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schedule
June 23, 2015 at 12:00 AM
The lack of explanation for the characters' behavior makes it impossible to buy into this story. Even hypno fics provide some sort of emotional context for the characters, here they're just having sex for no reason. There doesn't have to be love involved, but without any emotion the characters just feel like dolls.
schedule
November 30, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Long after the fact, I know, but you wanted a review so...
This is PWP, which isn't my taste but that's neither here nor there. Your spelling and basic grammar is pretty good, but your writing as a whole feels stiff and awkward. It doesn't affect readability, but it is noticeable. As far as the sex, your descriptions are good, but the scene as a whole felt far too short. That's all I really have to say. You definitely have potential, so keep on writing! :)
This is PWP, which isn't my taste but that's neither here nor there. Your spelling and basic grammar is pretty good, but your writing as a whole feels stiff and awkward. It doesn't affect readability, but it is noticeable. As far as the sex, your descriptions are good, but the scene as a whole felt far too short. That's all I really have to say. You definitely have potential, so keep on writing! :)
schedule
July 26, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Could have been longer
schedule
June 7, 2005 at 12:00 AM
..OK..Wheres Rinoa..??
schedule
October 9, 2004 at 12:00 AM
this made me laugh (in a good way)
schedule
September 26, 2004 at 12:00 AM
You didn't have to tell us that you're male. It was obvious, even before you used the word 'rod.'
New paragraph every time someone new speaks. Ending paragraphs with "..." doesn't add suspense. Longer sentences would be nice, too, because you've drowned this fic in monotony. Keep these things in mind next time you try to write. Please.
New paragraph every time someone new speaks. Ending paragraphs with "..." doesn't add suspense. Longer sentences would be nice, too, because you've drowned this fic in monotony. Keep these things in mind next time you try to write. Please.