schedule
July 29, 2005 at 12:00 AM
ehheheh...that was good, and the ending was funny. But arent they father and son...you do know that dont you? oh well...it was still good, keep up the good work!!
schedule
March 28, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Pah, I can't be bothered to log in. But I like it, I thought it was cute. Especially for adding Kiros in at the end, because I love Kiros. *sighs dreamily* Nice job.
schedule
March 28, 2005 at 12:00 AM
For a first lemon, that wasn't too bad, but I'm feeling especially nitpicky today, so I'm going to give my thoughts. Don't take this all as saying the story stucked, because it didn't.
Your Squall was very OOC. He's really not the kind of person to make the first move because he's too scared of being rejected. Laguna would be more likely to start it all off because he's emotional and impulsive. You wrote him very well.
The lemon itself was fairly hot, but I do have an issue with the lack of preparation. Since that was Squall's first time, Laguna should have had the decency to stretch him out beforehand or else he would have been sore, bleeding, and overall not enjoying that one bit. Well, unless he's a total masochist, but that's another story completely.
And it was all just a little too short. I wanted to see more dialogue (or attempted dialogue) between Squall and Laguna before the smuttiness started.
CP the critical
Your Squall was very OOC. He's really not the kind of person to make the first move because he's too scared of being rejected. Laguna would be more likely to start it all off because he's emotional and impulsive. You wrote him very well.
The lemon itself was fairly hot, but I do have an issue with the lack of preparation. Since that was Squall's first time, Laguna should have had the decency to stretch him out beforehand or else he would have been sore, bleeding, and overall not enjoying that one bit. Well, unless he's a total masochist, but that's another story completely.
And it was all just a little too short. I wanted to see more dialogue (or attempted dialogue) between Squall and Laguna before the smuttiness started.
CP the critical