Fatality I: Teasing

I’m not sure what woke me up this morning, but I know it wasn’t my alarm clock. There are still 10 minutes to go before its repetitive buzzing starts, guaranteed to be as loud as possible to wake me up, as well as probably the person in the dorm room next to mine.

There’s not much for me to do today other than meet Laguna and then take my first real vacation since being appointed commander. It’ll be nice to relax and not worry about anything for a change. Who are you kidding? You’re going to be worrying about at least one thing in the back of your mind, or one person to be more precise. I am not worried about the whole situation with Irvine, no matter what the little voice in my head tells me.

Finally I hear the noise signaling me that it’s time to get up and start the day, and I flip the switch, shutting it off completely as opposed to merely winning myself 15 minutes of silence before it begins again. I stretch slowly, sit up, get out of bed, head into the bathroom, and run water for a shower, my morning relaxation ritual.

The warm water never fails to ease whatever tension there is in my body, but it also never fails to wake up my mind and get it thinking about things, not necessarily things I’d put too much thought into any other time of the day. And today is no exception. It’s only been three days since I kicked Irvine out of my room, but he hasn’t said anything to me at all. Then again, he waited for me to make the first move last time and he might expect the same again. Who knows, he may even expect me to apologize, as if I’d done something wrong a few days ago.

But I’ve been through this all once before. I did what I had to do to spare myself more pain.

I wash up quickly, not letting myself think for a moment longer than needed, step out and dry off, then get dressed slowly as a sudden chill passes over me. Strange, nothing like that has ever happened to me before. It’s most likely nothing, so I ignore it and head out the door, ready to borrow a car, drive to Balamb, and start the most carefree week I’ve known in a very long time.

Before I get very far, the fluttering of paper somehow attached to my door attracts my attention and I turn around to see what it could be. I yank down the two sheets and get instantly stunned as soon as I read the first one. Irvine…resigning? I’ve got an idea of what he means by “personal reasons”, but he’s gotta be pulling my leg. He wouldn’t really leave; this is just some joke to get me to come to him.

The second letter makes me shrug, until I get to the end. He signed it “love”, a truly low blow even for him. Saying that isn’t going to make me apologize any sooner, because I’m not apologizing at all. What if he’s not joking though, what if he’s serious? My heart drops at that thought and I feel a little worried for a moment, then I look up from the papers and spot him in the distance, but do nothing to acknowledge that I’ve seen him.

Instead, I turn around, stick the papers in my pocket, and head out of the dorms, then turn left, walk to the garage, get a car, drive out, and head down the road to Balamb, parking outside of town. Out of the corner of my eye, I spot auburn hair and a long jacket, but my mind doesn’t fully register whom they belong to and so I just head into town and wait at the train station.

A voice over the PA system announces that the train from Esthar City will be fifteen minutes late. Just great, I get to sit on this hard plastic chair even longer. To pass the time, I watch the people going through the ticket line, trying to guess to myself where they’re going. But I soon drop that idea after I see Irvine standing there. Do something, Leonhart. Again, I feel that sinking sensation in my chest, and again I ignore it. Don’t keep acting like you don’t care if he leaves. You do care, and you’ll hate yourself for this later on. I won’t hate myself for doing what I know is the best thing, so that voice in my head can shut up anytime now.

Time seems to slow to a crawl as I sit there, waiting for Laguna, but eventually the train does arrive. He always gets off last because he says it’s easier than shoving his way through the crowds, and I agree with him. It’s easier waiting for him than having to look for one familiar face in a sea of passengers and their friends and loved ones. He walks off and heads towards me, one brow arched when he sees me. Guess there must be a strange look on my face or something.

“Hey there, Squall. How’s it feel to actually be on vacation for once?” he asks me as I stand up and we begin walking to the baggage claim area.

“It’s strange,” is all I say because I’m too busy digging in my pocket for those pieces of paper I know I shoved there earlier. Finally managing to find them, I hold them out and Laguna grabs them and looks them over carefully.

“He’s getting on the train headed back to Esthar right now, Squall. I don’t think this is some game, if that’s what you’re thinking.” I turn to my left, look up, and sure enough, Irvine’s in line, about to get on the train and out of my life for good. Some part of me is screaming right now but I don’t want to listen to it. You’re such a fool. I’ll be laughing at your misery in about an hour. Do I ever get a moment’s rest from that damned voice?

Laguna and I leave the train station then and walk out of town, neither of us saying anything until I say, in barely louder than a whisper, “I can’t apologize to him, which means he’s gone for good.”

“You can apologize, but what you mean is you won’t,” he tells me, but adds nothing else although I’m sure he’s thinking about it.

The drive back to Garden is silent, but my mind is a swirling mass of thoughts, going over conclusions I’ve already reached about my feelings and my perfectly justified reasons for keeping them hidden. And you’ve already told yourself that losing Irvine would hurt…well, you just lost him. I’ve got reason to stay here and ignore what Irvine just did, and I’ve also got reason to just give in, hop on the Ragnarok, and be waiting in Esthar for him when the train arrives.

I park the car, get out, but before I can walk to my dorm, my arm gets grabbed, making me turn around to look at Laguna for a moment before I pull back. “Just let me think right now, Laguna. I’ll meet up with you later this afternoon or tonight.”

He understands my confusion right now and merely nods before he heads off in the direction of the Cafeteria. I plod back to my dorm room, take off my coat and gloves, slump down on the bed, and think.

He relives every word they spoke in anger.
He walks the floor and punches out the wall.

Time holds no meaning for me as I go through every word of what happened three days ago, after Irvine’s admission of feelings for me. He was right all along, every word he said to me was the truth, I’ve admitted that to myself already. I’m scared of being hurt, of being pushed to the side once another pretty face comes along. He cares about you, Leonhart. Irvine’s not going to be looking for anyone else to be in his heart or in his bed.

I hope the person in the room next to me isn’t there because I’m so frustrated and confused that I scream and punch the wall. Maybe I shouldn’t have done that because now on top of everything else, I have a sore fist and a hole in my wall. Damn you, Irvine, for walking into my life and making it all topsy-turvy.

To apologize to her, would be so simple.
But instead he cries, “I'll be damned if I crawl.”

It would be easy to find him and apologize, but do I want to? That would be admitting I was wrong earlier, and I wasn’t wrong, merely scared. Hyne, I still am scared. But at least you’re thinking things over, which is an improvement from your usual stubbornness. Why am I even considering giving in to my emotions? I can’t apologize if I’ve done nothing wrong. Yes, Irvine’s gone, but I don’t need him around. I’ll be just fine by myself. I’ve made it this far in life without depending on other people and I’m not giving in now.

If he loses her, he's lost his best friend,
And more than just a lover can provide.

The more I think about it, the more I get myself confused and unsure of what’s the best choice to make right now. I’m just myself, cold and distant most of the time. Why does he want to stay around me? Why doesn’t he care about my lack of outward emotions like everyone else seems to? Because that’s what it means to care about someone, you idiot. Even before the events of the past week and a half, he was always around me, ignoring my moods and just being a friend. Everyone else tended to avoid me at the worst moments, but not Irvine.

So he wrestles with emotions that defeat him.
Chalk another love lost up to foolish pride.

I’ve lost him, the one person some part of me always counted on to see across the room, smiling in my direction. Maybe that emotional side of me considers him a friend, but it’s not going to win. I’m not giving in to emotions. They’re too unpredictable and only get people hurt in the end. It looks like your inability to trust emotions is what’s getting you hurt. No, what’s getting me hurt is unneeded complications to my life.

Turn out the lights, the competition's over.
The stubborn souls are the losers here tonight.

I care about Irvine, but I don’t need him screwing up everything in my life…that’s why I’m not going after him, isn’t it? Or is it that I’m just too stubborn to admit I was wrong? Telling him that I screwed up before, that I was wrong, would make him the winner of our argument and that strangely bothers me for reasons I can’t think of.

And while the bridges burn,
Another hard, hard lesson's learned
As in the ashes, passion slowly dies.

After Hyne only knows how much time goes by, something inside of me seems to snap and I suddenly feel everything I’ve been forcing myself to hold back – affection, confusion, loss, and the admission that worrying about my pride at a time like this is rather foolish. But even giving in and letting myself feel isn’t enough to override the thinking portion of my brain and make me chase him down. I simply can’t do something that contrary to my typical way of acting, even if it is to bring Irvine back to me.

And this romance goes down to foolish pride