Ceaseless Oblivion

"Brand New Day" by Forty Foot Echo is now the theme song for this story. Look it up if you wish to hear it. :D

I own nothing. Sadly. If I did, Sephiroth and Cloud would be my body guards. *sings Men in Black theme song*


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Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself. ~Harvey Fierstein

All of his life, Sephiroth only had one person he could rely on: himself. He was always there after all of Hojo's experiments, pain that had left him screaming into the night, into his pillow so no one would hear him. Those moments of weakness were his alone, for he would allow no one to see him looking so pathetic. It was pathetic to feel weakness and scared, lost and alone. So, he let no one else know anything about him.

Genesis and Angeal had the other, and they seemed content with their partnership. He would have been the legendary and clichéd third wheel, a man trying to interfere with their friendship lest he attempt confession to them. Besides, even if he told them what he was feeling, he was certain they would not understand. Genesis would wind up quoting LOVELESS to break the silence, and Angeal would never look at him the same again. Whatever friendship they would have had would be gone, all because he couldn't man up and deal with his own hurt.

That was the way he had always lived. Despite Zack's attempts at friendship, nothing worked. It was in Sephiroth's nature then to not let anyone in. His exterior was something cold to the touch, and he knew that if anyone felt his skin, it would be ice. Sephiroth was unapproachable as well for that reason. He didn't want anyone asking him how he was that day, or trying to tell him things he didn't need to hear. He was his own strength, stability, and stronghold. No other could be that for him.

Or, so he had thought. Now, in this oblivion, he had seen that that had been his downfall. When one was stoic, it not only made ones face turn into an unchanging mask, but it turned friends and loved ones into stoic beings as well. With his emotion of apathy and dismissive remarks, he had accidentally turned everyone away from him. Zack had died thinking that Sephiroth hadn't cared for him, as had Angeal and Genesis. All of that was cleared up now, and he knew that those three men did care for him, and once more, forgave him for all of the wrongs he had done. He had done too much to atone for in one lifetime…but there was nothing saying he couldn't try.

But, returning to his previous thought, he had thought that he had to be enough for himself. He was his best friend, and his thoughts were music to his ears. There was no one who could best him, or be greater than he originally was. Which had led to his hubris, his god like arrogance that had gotten him killed not once, but twice.

Sephiroth had so foolishly thought that since he was this grand hero, someone who the Planet looked up to, that he in return, could not look up to anything. There was no one he could turn to, for everyone was relying on him. That type of reliance was as stimulating as it was terrifying. When the fate of the world rested on your shoulders, there were only two options: fall, like Atlas, to your knees, or man up and take the pain. He had done the latter, but it only served to hurt him in the future.

But, those days were over. His time on the Planet had ended, and there was no vile alien in his thoughts, telling him to do this and that, urging him forward because he was her son. No. His mother was a woman who he had never met, and his father was a monster. He would not follow his father's path, and let history repeat itself here. This was his second and only chance to make something of himself, and he would not let his weakness or mistakes ruin that.

For right now, it was in his hands: his destiny, his fate, and his future. But, it was also halved by Cloud.

Cloud…the man who had seen him at his worst. He had been the face of insanity itself with the man, and in return, Cloud lashed out at him, throwing him in a river. He had told him that he would never be his anything, for he loathed him to the fibers of his being, and always would. Cloud had also seen his efforts at kindness, offering him a part of his shirt to help his cut finger. That was something that came to him on impulse, trying to help Cloud, though it was ridiculous to do that. But, to his disbelief, Cloud accepted the makeshift bandage. It appeared that he was not the only one who was struggling for self improvement.

The man had also seen Sephiroth at his weakest. He had not scorned him and run off into the distance, the light from his skin ebbing away into nothing, into oblivion. If Cloud had left him, he would have taken his last shred of hope. Not that Cloud was his everything. But Cloud's skin was alight, and when there was nothing but physical darkness all around, light became a necessity for sanity. He had been near tears when he revealed his deepest sin, that he had envied Genesis and Angeal for what they had. He had not said that he was jealous of Zack as well, for finding happiness in Aeris, the diamond in the slums that made flowers grow under excruciating circumstances. And he also had not mentioned that he was still envious of Cloud's abilities, his wings and the power that emanated from his skin itself. Everyone seemed to be so much stronger than him.

But, to his grand surprise, Cloud had comforted him the way no other could have. No one appeared, not Zack, Genesis or Angeal. It was only Cloud, the man who he had made a truce with for progresses sake, the man he was stranded with.

It was a flame in the shadows of his life, something that could not be denied. For the moment, Cloud had been the only thing keeping him from dissolving into the darkness all around him, the way a behemoth of the ocean's abyss would have done. With Cloud's reassurance, he knew that he was not a monster. With Cloud's words, he knew that he was a life that was worth living. And above all, it gave him the courage to try to be himself…whatever that meant.

Hope could come from oblivion.


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A week had passed, a week in which an undeniable change hit the pair. Sephiroth was attempting to be friendly with Cloud, something he knew he would never have done if he was truly immortal and on the Planet with Strife. But still, he tried it, and for the moment, it was working.

He and Cloud had a system that worked. Both rose with the dawn of the golden wings, and they exercised, pushing the other until they were both sweating, and wide awake. They added running to their work out, and they added friendly competition to their exercise.

"I've seen cattle run faster. Cattle with broken legs!" Cloud shouted this, and it made Sephiroth scoff. He ran faster, and tried to think of a comeback. He was actually "trash talking" with Cloud! That was something old friends would do, friends who teased in jest to prove that they cared. Did these humorous instigations mean Cloud cared about him?

"Keep talking like that, and your pride will surely be dust." To this "dust" Sephiroth left Cloud in his tracks, and his heels kicked up a fine cloud of earth. He heard Cloud huff, and Sephiroth was dumbstruck when Cloud took off, managing to not only keep his own blistering pace, but to best him as well. Cloud was the victor once again.

They stopped and hunted, killing two rabbits. Cloud walked with the gait of a mighty warrior, one who knew that he was the hunter, someone above prey. Yes, for he was the predator, one who had bested him three times. Sephiroth knew that he should not feel jealous or inadequate to something as foolish as a lost race, or to the past…but there was no helping that feeling. He saw no point in denying the obvious: that Cloud was so much stronger than him, in every aspect. But, for the moment as he chewed his food and could taste the splendor of the meat, he found that he didn't mind.

During the meal, they shared their daily confession, one thing that they didn't know about the other. Cloud went first that day.

"For the longest time, I was afraid of the dark." Sephiroth was about to place some dark meat into his mouth, but Cloud's confession startled him so much, he forgot all about his hunger. Sephiroth looked to Cloud as if he had told him that instead he was expecting triplets. Cloud blinked a few times, and he perked an eyebrow, almost as if he were wondering what was going through Sephiroth's head.

"Seriously Strife, what's the confession." Cloud shook his head.

"It's true. I was a scared child." Sephiroth found he could not believe that. No child that was afraid of the dark could possible rise above the strength that he had once had, and beat him three times. There was just no way! Though…that would prove that Cloud was stronger than him in many other ways as well. He had rose above his own weakness and joined SOLDIER, either to prove himself wrong or the world that told him he would be unable to be anything.

All of this Sephiroth thought about, and he had not realized he had been quiet for too long. Cloud's hand on his shoulder shook him out of his trance.

"Hey. You alright?" Sephiroth looked up and saw that Cloud had come to his left, his face inches from his own.

For a reason Sephiroth couldn't place, he felt his heart speed up. It knocked against his ribcage, almost as if it were angry with him for feeling this way. But what exactly was he feeling? He was resting, and a resting heart rate should not be this…active. What was the conduct, the purpose behind the act?

Sephiroth nodded, and chose to distract himself from his heart by speaking the truth. Internally, he swore he saw Zack smiling at him. That was enough for him to know that he should do this, tell Cloud what he had been thinking for a good two weeks now.

"Strife…my confession is also my reply. Would you care to know?" Cloud nodded and sat back down, confident that he was alright. He was…beginning to be better, and one day, he might be better than alright.

"If what you say is true, how you were afraid of the dark when you were a young child…then that makes me admire you." Sephiroth felt the words stick in his throat, as if he had swallowed a vile sip of medicine, one that would heal him but was disgusting to consume. Just like humility, for that was what it surely tasted like.

Cloud's mouth opened once, but Sephiroth decided not to stop talking. If he stopped now, then he would never open his mouth again. It was one of those situations where plowing through something difficult did all the good in the world for the individual.

"I mean that, Strife. I see a younger you right now, behind my eyes, shuddering away from the darkness in your room. It makes me wonder…how in the Planet's name did someone so young and frail become Gaia's hero three times?" Cloud's face did strange things then, emotions filtering through as if they had become part of an aurora, changing feelings the way those colors did.

"Sephiroth…I'm nothing special." Sephiroth looked to the man then, met his eyes, and shook his head.

"Why do you think that? You must be special, for you have saved the Planet three times from myself. You are its stronghold, something it could always rely on. You are…a hero." Cloud gasped then, and Sephiroth saw that he was experiencing something that one felt when getting severely praised. Shit. Was he embarrassing the man? He just meant to tell him how he felt, and what he was thinking at the moment. Had that been…too much?

Cloud looked at him for a long moment, and did not shake his head. He just stared at Sephiroth as if he were analyzing the inner workings of a clock, looking at all of the wires and gears that made it spin and work. It was the look of a man who wanted to know what Sephiroth meant, and why in the world he was telling him these things. Sephiroth had no knowledge of it himself, for he was just as perplexed. He had no idea why he was telling Cloud that he admired him, or sharing such personal information on his thought process. Hell, he had no idea if it was really him who was talking, and not Zack.

But…deep down, he knew that he had told Cloud these things because he wanted to be closer to the man. In a few weeks time, they had gone from being bitter enemies to an almost, not quite understanding. It was because Cloud had shared things about himself, his emotions when his wings were coming out, to his laughter and happiness. It was also because Cloud knew his own past, and instead of constantly telling him what he should have done, all he did was shove him in the right direction. In theory, they were both bettering the other by this communication.

Finally, after that long moment, Cloud spoke.

"I…don't understand you." Sephiroth felt a pinprick of pain hit his chest. This was the last thing he had expected Cloud to say. "I mean it. One minute, we're enemies. The next, we are getting along like we have known each other our whole lives. And now…we're opening up to the other." Cloud's eyes met his, and Sephiroth saw that they were sapphire's quintessence, eyes that were the ocean and sky themselves. They were eyes of a hard life, eyes that had once been dead hunks of gemstone in a handsome face. And now…they were filled with life. They sparkled like the sunlight on the curtain of the sea, and Sephiroth felt that emotion again, his heart palpitating in his ribcage. What a strange and wondrous feeling it was.

"I mean…once, I wanted to be nothing but your friend. I looked up to you Sephiroth." Sephiroth nodded, for he remembered Cloud telling him that when they had fought the second time, telling him that in haste, his blade swinging. Sephiroth had found that amusing before, but now…he found it tragic. Why would Cloud, in all of his good qualities, long to be as lonely and miserable as he once was?

"I remember. You said you wanted to be just like me." Cloud nodded his head almost sheepishly, as if he now realized the error of his ways. Sephiroth could not fathom why Cloud wanted that.

"I wanted it…more than anything. Also, this counts for tomorrows confession." Sephiroth looked to the man, and his face was deathly serious. Sephiroth felt a chuckle escape his lips. The man was not only pure of heart, but he was also utterly hilarious.

"Very well. And Cloud…don't continue if this makes you uncomfortable." Sephiroth brought a hand over his leg, letting it swing loosely from its perch. He understood not wanting to talk about things. Hell, he had once been the prince of silence. Cloud shook his head.

"Remember a week ago when I told you the exact same thing?" Sephiroth stopped swinging his hand. His eyes met Cloud's, and he nodded. He felt shock course through his body, for he realized that he was trying to adapt Cloud's persona, subconsciously. That meant that he was desperate to change, and he was leeching onto his goodness, trying to mimic it with good and pure words. Sephiroth felt a bad taste fill his mouth.

"Y-yes. Sorry I mimicked your words." Cloud raised his brow, and Sephiroth recognized that it was the same look he had once given Cloud, when he had been hesitant to spar with him because of past fear. It was a look that wanted an answer. Shit. He was going to have to tell Cloud his thoughts, wasn't he?

"Sephiroth…before I continue…tell me what you mean." Sephiroth sighed and began playing with a loose thread in his pants. This was beginning to get ridiculous. He may as well tell him, for there would be no such thing as moving on if he were to always be so quiet. This time…he had someone to talk to about his pain and hidden doubts. Though, he had no idea what it would come to.

He cleared his throat. "Once more Cloud…you are the better of the two of us. I subconsciously spoke almost the same words you did, simply because I desired to be good." He shook his head, feeling his frame fill with self loathing. "That is like the old phrase "a wolf in sheep's clothing." I can't fashion your words and have them make me good." Cloud listened to him carefully, and he nodded his head once.

"Sephiroth…don't be stupid." Sephiroth shot his head up, and he changed his posture until he was sitting ramrod straight. Yes, he felt defensive. But that was only because Cloud had called him stupid. "I mean it. Don't beat yourself up so much. So you used my words. That doesn't make you evil." Sephiroth felt as if he had gone through a few too many misunderstandings today. He sighed and ran a hand through his bangs.

Cloud continued to speak. "Sephiroth…the old you wouldn't have cared about me." Sephiroth looked to Cloud, and was certain his confusion was prevalent on his face. "I mean…you wouldn't have helped me with my wings the way you did. You would have laughed and spit in my face, telling me that only weaklings cried out the way I did. You would have called me stupid when I lay down, forgetting I had wings." Yes, he certainly would have done all of those things, and so much more. He had changed quite a bit since he had arrived in this world. But oblivion changed people, making what used to matter seem trivial.

"Sephiroth…open your eyes. You are changing, like me. And you saying something similar to me doesn't make you deceitful." Sephiroth couldn't believe his ears. Cloud was, once again, reassuring him. The silver haired man sighed and let his posture relax. He had once again, been stupid. Cloud patted his back once, something that he never would have done had they not been moderately close. If that's even what they were, close that is.

"It's…alright Sephiroth. Now…do you want to know why I idolized you?" That's right…Cloud was going to tell him a painful part in his past. Sephiroth nodded, and felt a little better. This was turning into one Hell of a morning. Still, it was necessary for them both to talk about these things. Communication was the key, even though it was ridiculous for them both to be talking to the other. Well, it had been ridiculous before. Now, it was necessary for them to get to know the other.

Cloud sat back and gestured to Sephiroth's half finished breakfast. He picked it up and resumed eating it, thinking all the while that even he needed nutrition.

"Eat. I'll talk." Sephiroth shrugged and bit into his meat, surprised that it was still warm.

"Alright. I respected you. You were a hero to Nibelheim, and the Planet itself. Everywhere I went there seemed to be a poster with your face, telling me to join SOLDIER and to better the world. It filled me with…inspiration. It was a wish of mine…something secret that I wanted to make real at last."

Sephiroth paused in his chewing. He saw that Cloud was looking in the distance, into the abyss of the skies around them, as if he were watching his life through a movie reel, projected onto some hidden screen. Nostalgia was about as poisonous as memory. He knew that well.

Cloud continued, not seeming phased by his recollection. "So…I began to worship you. I'm sure you were idolized by many women and men, boys and girls…but for me, it didn't matter how popular you were, or how looked up to you were. For me, it was about how…strong you were. You didn't take anything from anyone, and you made something of yourself, out of nothing. That made me so…inspired." Sephiroth felt something stir in his chest. He felt like there were multiple cocoons in his torso, and they were rattling back and forth, as if butterflies were hidden in his heart, waiting to be unleashed. That was really how it felt: soul stirring.

To hear from someone who had wished to change with him, someone who led him through oblivion itself that he was idolized…it was a magical feeling. Sephiroth could not believe this. The man who was pure, who had defeated him…had actually looked up to him, wanted to be like him. That was hilarious, but it was dark humor. The light longed to be like the shadow. The grass only seemed greener on the other side, for it was about as dead as the other side of the fence. Sephiroth shook his head. This was completely unreal.

Still…it made him feel…worth something. Yes, that was it. He had gone through most of his life with the mentality that he had to be better, stronger for the Planet and ShinRa. No one cared about him, thus he cared about only himself. Only, if he had bothered to look closer, he would have seen that Genesis and Angeal did care for him, as did Zack Fair. They just had a different way of showing it. Angeal's silence showed him that he cared not to disturb him with words. Genesis's randomized scriptures of LOVELESS told him that he cared enough to tell him deep and profound statements. And Zack…had always cared about him. He was worth something to them.

'Come on Sephiroth. Believe in yourself.' Sephiroth looked up and knew that those were the words of Zack Fair, words that existed only for his ears and mind to hear. He had a point, as always. This was a time for him to rediscover himself, and to finally put away the skeletons and ghosts of his past. He had to let it leave him alone, so that he could at last, move on. That's what he wanted, more than anything.

Sephiroth cleared his throat, for he realized he had been staring at Cloud the entire time.

"Cloud…I have no idea why you thought I was so great. I wasn't. I was just a man who wanted to feel…like I was worth something. So, I built up my pride until it was this…monstrous thing. Only someone like that could have been taken over by Jenova." To Sephiroth's surprise, Cloud began shaking his head.

"You're wrong you know. Stop beating yourself up over that. It could have happened to anyone." That was like something a doctor told a terminally ill patient, that cancer or some other awful disease could have happened to anyone. It didn't excuse the virus for being there and taking over the body. He had to take accountability for his actions. Death only came to those deserving of it. Hence, if he wished for the peace that death would bring, he was going to have to continue with this journey until the very end. And hopefully, he could salvage some of his identity as well.

Sephiroth found himself, instead of protesting the way he would have done for the past few weeks, nodding his head instead of shaking it. He agreed with Cloud in this almost philosophical argument. Inwardly, he was screaming at himself, saying that he should not have been telling Cloud any of this. Where was his silence, the man who hated revealing any part of himself? He scoffed at this, for that man had been his downfall. That man had been the reason why he had died three times, all because of his pitiful and foolish pride. There was no sense denying that he was the reason so much wrong had occurred in his life. All of his self generation had been his demise. He understood that then.

Thus, he allowed himself to nod.

"You know what? Once you told me that you had it with my self pity. That's all I've been doing lately. Pitying myself." Cloud blinked a few times, as if he were once again confused about what he was talking about. That was alright, for at least he was there with him, willing to listen and talk with him. He didn't think he would be able to sit and talk with his once enemy if he had once done so many terrible things. Cloud was, for the millionth time, the better man. But that didn't mean that he couldn't look up to Cloud for an example of someone better.

"I'm done with self pity." Sephiroth rose from where he was sitting, as if he were a man overcome by a great idea, something that would alter not only the world he lived in, but himself as well. This was what it felt like to have a revelation, to realize that you truly wished to go forward.

Sephiroth saw before him a great mass of opportunities, goals that he wished to achieve. They were only few, miniscule in comparison to others. But others didn't matter. Sephiroth wished to leave this world, and join the Promised Land, to find that blessed peace that had been the final resting place of the Cetra's. How he had thought that he was related to people who were so wise was beyond himself. Nevertheless, if he proved himself, that he was worthy despite all of the wicked things he had done, it would be worth it.

The second task would be much harder, the biggest thing he had ever tried to do. It didn't involve training. It didn't involve defeating any manner of monsters that came his way. It involved something deadlier: getting and gaining Cloud's trust.

That was such an asinine thought. Even the most kind hearted person could not forgive the murderer of their mother. That was asking such a huge thing, something he didn't think he could do. Upon that thought, he wanted to laugh aloud. Sephiroth really was changing, if he was thinking such words as forgiveness and trust. Besides, if he had not changed, he wouldn't have given two shits if Cloud was still hurting because of the people he had killed. Accountability had to be given, and blame had to be spoken.

But that was for later. For now, they had to get to travel, and actually cover a lot of ground that day. As hard as it was to imagine, one could not just stand there and expect something to happen. Sephiroth had to make something happen, by taking the right action.

Cloud looked up at him with his deep blue eyes, ones that were enhanced by mako. Sephiroth found himself in rapture with them when he looked at him. That was something he had to monitor, kill off, and then never think of again. He would not think, in long tabulated similes how Cloud was…handsome to him. That was stupid, ridiculous, and it would lead to no good.

Shaking his head, he held out his hand. Cloud looked at it, nodded, and took it. Sephiroth lifted him off the ground, and looked the man dead in the eye.

"Tell me how you admired me while we're trekking through oblivion." Cloud nodded his head once, and a ghost of a smile was seen on his lips. Both men began cleaning up their camp, Sephiroth burying his food remains and Cloud stomping out the fire.

"And Cloud?" Cloud looked up at him, a puzzled look in his eye. "Thanks." Surprise filled his eyes, and he chuckled lightly. He seemed at ease, despite this insane situation of their travel, and their forced circumstance.

Cloud shrugged. "Sure. Not sure what I did though." He shook his head. "This is crazy, you know that?" Sephiroth urged him to continue. "We're getting along. The Goddess must be reeling." Sephiroth chuckled lightly, having to admit that her methods might have been odd, but they were working; both men were getting along and were getting to know the other.

"I wouldn't say this is…getting along." In a playful manner, something that every fiber in his body fought against, Sephiroth shoved Cloud's shoulder, the way old comrades would do. Cloud stood appalled as Sephiroth stood there, a small grin on his face.

It was not the grin of someone who was loving the fact that their opponent was caught off guard. It was the look of a man who was having a good time, a man who was trying to let his own phantoms and regrets go. It was the expression of a man who had found his light, his flame in the shadows.

In a move Sephiroth had not anticipated, Cloud shoved him hard to his left. The silver haired man tripped over some sticks that were left over firewood, and nearly crashed to the ground. His arms flailed, and he reached for whatever was available, some manner of stability. That happened to be Cloud.

Cloud crashed on top of him, and both men froze, panic filling their eyes. With the way Cloud had fallen, he was directly on his chest, both of his hands on either side of his face. His face was only inches from Sephiroth's, and from this close of a distance, Sephiroth had a hard time thinking clearly.

This was insanity. What was he? Attracted to Strife? Cloud shifted his weight, and in doing so, his left leg brushed the upper part of Sephiroth's thigh. His breath hitched in his throat, and he scolded himself. This was not the way a man should act! No man should feel this way when their friend accidentally fell on top of them, especially when that friend was not a friend. He and Cloud…were not friends yet. They still had much to learn about the other. Even so…acquaintances and strangers should not feel this way. Yes, that was the end of that.

Sephiroth quickly dislodged himself from Cloud, and both men stood up without a word. They brushed dust off of their clothing, and avoided the other's eyes. This could not be.

Cloud began walking in front of him, and to break the silence, he apologized.

"Sorry for that. It was…stupid of me." Sephiroth sighed aloud and ran his hands through his bangs, feeling that this would be a nervous habit of his. Or, he would do that whenever Cloud said something like that, something he shouldn't have apologized for.

"I started it. Now, what was this about you admiring me?" Cloud turned around and heard the playful tone in Sephiroth's voice. His mood lightened, and his shoulders seemed to ease up a little. That made Sephiroth…glad, and worried at the same time. Was he saying those words in that tone…to be flirtatious?

"Heh. How could I admire someone who weighs a ton?" Sephiroth gasped and, on impulse, threw a rock at the man's head. Cloud laughed and a rock fight began. They took off running, and Sephiroth had never felt so…elated. Yes, that was the word. He was free, and he was chasing after something substantial, a spark of light in his own pathetic darkness.

"Yes, you better run!" Cloud scoffed in front of him.

"Try and catch me!"

If that was a challenge, then Sephiroth would certainly take it. He would catch the man and somehow, through trial, error, and communication, earn his trust. That was important. Nothing else mattered in oblivion, nothing other than gaining a companion who could shy away the physical and mental darkness. That was what mattered. This was who he was now.

Sephiroth had at last found his identity, and could be himself. Though, he could not help feeling a bit of fear at his newfound…reactions to Cloud. That could be monitored though. Upon finding fire, one could douse water on other flames. Certain things should never be brought to light.


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