Tiny Dancer

Title: Tiny Dancer
Fandom: Final Fantasy VII
Author: Lynsey
Website/Mailing List: See links under user information
Beta: None
Chapter: 15/?
Pairings: Sephiroth/Cloud
Rating: PG-13 this chapter
Warnings: Very AU, language
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Do not sue, all I got are college loans, and this isn’t helping to pay them off.
Summary: Opening night for Midgar Dance Company’s newest show may be the beginning of something more than just a hot new act.


Cloud had been staying in the apartment for an entire week before Zack tried to approach him. The blond had been visited by dozens of friends that Zack both ogled and cringed at in turn. Seriously, what was with that chain-smoking, swearing disaster that came by yesterday? Nice body, but he’d never hit that in a million years.

The occupants of the apartment had been avoiding Cloud and Sephiroth like the plague. Both were rather hard to deal with. It was hard to judge Cloud’s mood, as it fluctuated between sobbing at the drop of a hat and moody surliness. Sephiroth simply stalked around the apartment in an obvious fury.

And the fights.

It was pretty quiet when just Cloud was home. He spent most of the time sleeping and for the most part they left him alone. They all knew that the blond wasn’t eating for most of the day, since he never left the bedroom and none of the food magically disappeared from the fridge while they were gone. That was what most of the fights were about. Sephiroth would slip away for a few hours to work, he’d come back and head straight to the bedroom. A few minutes later the yelling would start, and Zack, Angeal, and Genesis would hide in their rooms.

Zack had tried to talk to Sephiroth about it, but the silver haired man was too anxious and upset to really have a constructive conversation. It wasn’t healthy for the pair to be arguing so violently, especially since they were so new to each other. Zack knew how attached Sephiroth was to Cloud. The general was head over heels in love with the small dancer, and Cloud…

Cloud didn’t know what he wanted yet.

The blond didn’t even know if he was in love with Sephiroth yet. He liked the older man well enough, that much was obvious. However, it was also obvious that Cloud wasn’t completely convinced that he was absolutely in love with Sephiroth, and Zack was afraid that meant Cloud would leave. There was something keeping him there, but all it would take was to be pushed over that edge and the blond would leave.

Zack didn’t know if it would be more detrimental to Cloud or Sephiroth.

Zack knocked on the door to Sephiroth’s room before he quietly slipped in. Cloud was sleeping and still looked ill, tired, and harried. The bigger man sat on the bed and gently stroked Cloud’s soft blond hair. Blue eyes blearily blinked open and took a moment to focus on the person touching him.

“Hey Zack,” Cloud croaked out. His voice was hoarse, and Zack assumed it was from crying. The blond’s eyes were even puffy and red, so he must have fallen asleep only a short while ago.

Feeling guilty about waking Cloud from much needed sleep, Zack smiled and said, “Hey, Spiky.”

“What’re ya doin’?” Cloud mumbled and sat up, wiping at his eyes.

Zack shrugged and helped put a couple of pillows behind Cloud’s back. “Nothin’. Just wanted to see how you were feeling.”

Cloud sighed and closed his eyes in exasperation. “Why does everyone have to ask me that?”

“Because we worry about you. I haven’t known ya long, kid, but you’ve grown on me. I just want to make sure you’re ok.”

Cloud blushed and averted his eyes. “You don’t have to do that. Sephiroth does enough babying for you all.” The last was said with a heavy amount of annoyance that boarded on severe aggravation.

“I take it you don’t like it?” Zack asked, trying to be as unobtrusive as possible while still analyzing the blond. Cloud didn’t know about Zack’s promise to Sephiroth, and he was going to keep it that way. It was terribly underhanded, and Zack hated it. However, he made a promise and he’d do what he could to help out the little blond, both because he wanted to see Sephiroth happy and because he really was growing to like the little shit. He was really rather cute, in a little brother kind of way.

He was going to have to give the blond a wet-willy later.

Cloud snorted and petted the blanket in an effort to not look at Zack. “He just gets so intense about stuff, ya know? He gets something set into his head and if it doesn’t happen he totally freaks the fuck out. I just…I need…time I guess.”

“Time for what?”

“To…shit I don’t know. I can’t just do shit. I’ve had my whole life thrown at me without so much as a by-your-fucking-leave, and this is…” Cloud trailed off, trying to search for words to describe what he meant.

“This is something you can control,” Zack said softly.

Cloud’s eyes widened a little bit and he looked at Zack sharply. “Sephiroth said the same thing to me at the hospital.”

Zack shrugged and leaned back on his hands. “Sephiroth’s a logical guy, Cloud. And, sorry to say, but it’s kind of obvious.”

Cloud’s face flushed a little in embarrassment and anger. “I don’t need you to be telling me how to ‘fix my unfortunate affliction’,” Cloud mocked in a parody of Sephiroth’s low baritone.

“That’s not what I’m trying to do Cloud,” Zack said with such honesty that the blond pursed his lips and didn’t snap out the comment that he had on the tip of his tongue.

“Then what do you want? You came in here for something.”

Zack looked at Cloud with an unwavering, honest gaze. “I just want to talk to you about it. I’m assuming you’ve never really talked to anyone about it before.”

Cloud looked down and picked at the blanket again. “No,” he replied quietly.

“Would you like to? You know I won’t judge you, Spike. I’m just here to be your friend.” And pry into your mind for my persistent fucking friend.

Cloud shrugged. “I don’t even know what to say.”

“How about starting with calling it what it is,” Zack suggested.

A blond eyebrow cocked upward. “I’m sorry?”

“Say it out loud,” Zack coaxed gently. “Say what’s wrong out loud. Say the word. Tell me what’s wrong with you.”

The blond swallowed and opened his mouth. He struggled for a moment then sighed a wavering, pathetic little sigh. He tried again, croaking for a moment before covering the side of his face with one hand. Tears came down the pale cheeks as Cloud lowered his head. “I can’t say it. That makes it real.”

Zack touched Cloud’s hand supportively. “It’s hard, and I’m really sorry for that. I can’t tell you that I know what you’re going through because I don’t. I’ve never had this happen to me and I don’t know what you’re feeling or what you’re dealing with. But I’m your friend, and I’m here to help you through it.”

Cloud sniffed loudly and clutched Zack’s hand in his own as he very quietly and very uncertainly whispered, “I have….I’m…I can’t eat.”

“Can’t?” Zack coaxed.

“I won’t eat,” Cloud correct as more tears rolled down his face. He shook with sobs a few times before he finally blurted out, “I’m a-a-anorexic. I’m trying to kill myself and everybody hates me for it.”

Zack shushed him gently and scooted so he could hold Cloud close. The blond buried his face in Zack’s neck and wept while the bigger man just rocked slowly back and forth. “Nobody hates you. We are worried for you. It’s not about being mad at you. Not at all.”

“Sephiroth hates me for it,” Cloud choked. “He gets so mad, and I don’t even have time to think he just…he yells so much. He won’t listen, cause he thinks it should be just so fucking easy,” the blond swore angrily through his tears. “He thinks he knows best, and he so fucking bossy. He keeps saying that he understands what I’m saying, and then he turns around and starts yelling at me again. And then,” Cloud bawled, obviously at the end of rope and not caring how hysterical he was becoming, “And then he’s such a fucking sweet, gorgeous, amazing guy, and I feel so fucking bad for being mad at him. I can’t be mad at him because he loves me, but I fucking hate him when he’s bossing me around. I just don’t know what to do.”

“You don’t have to know what to do,” Zack soothed, rubbing Cloud’s back slowly. “Just talk to me and we can figure it out together, alright?”

Cloud nodded, words failing him and unable to speak through the tears anyway.

It was quite some time before the blond calmed enough to breathe normally. Zack didn’t try to push anything, he just let Cloud sort out his thoughts and think for a bit.

“Feel a little better?” Zack asked, still holding the smaller body against his own. He felt Cloud nod against his shoulder and blond spikes tickled his nose. “Feel like talking to me a little bit?”

Cloud sniffed and nodded again. He pushed himself away from the other man and sat back against the headboard again. He huffed out a breath that stirred his bangs and reached for a box of tissues sitting on the side table. “I kind of made a mess of your shirt,” Cloud said with a watery smile.

Zack shrugged good-naturedly with a handsome smile. “Tee-shirts make great hankies.”

Cloud laugh a little, even though a few tears still managed to squeeze out of his eyes. The blond wiped his face and blew his nose before grabbing several more tissues out of the box and dabbing at his eyes every few moments.

It was painfully obvious to Zack that Cloud had never talked to anyone about his predicament, and probably never even thought of what he did or why. This was going to be hard. Really hard, and it wouldn’t be the work of a day no matter how hard Sephiroth wished for it to be. This wasn’t a battle, it was a siege. It was going to take time.

Zack started with the most important question. “Is this how you want to be? Do you like being the way you are?”

“Yes,” Cloud answered truthfully.

“Do you know why?”

“I like being thin,” Cloud said, gripping Zack’s hand tightly.

“Do you think it makes you look better?”

“I…I don’t really care how I look. I’m not big on looks,” Cloud shrugged.

Zack searched is brain for another question. “Do you think other people like you better when you’re thin?”

Cloud started to shake his head then looked thoughtfully at the bedcover. “My director likes it when I’m thin. They’ve always liked it when I was on the low end of my weight range. Even back to my dance teachers in school. The more weight I lost, the better parts I got.”

“So it makes you feel accomplished?”

The blond thought for a long minute. “I guess it does.”

“Is there anything else in your life that makes you feel good about yourself?”

Cloud’s eyes looked rather empty at that. “There is nothing else in my life. I dance. If I don’t dance well I have nothing. I have to be thin to dance. That’s all.”

“What about your friends?”

“What about them?”

“Doesn’t it feel good to have so many friends? You’ve had a lot of people in here checking up on you. Fuck, it’s practically a revolving door. Do you think they care whether you’re thin or not?”

Cloud’s forehead wrinkled in confusion. “I guess…I like having lots of friends.”

“Do you think they would stop being your friends because you gained weight?”

“…No.”

Zack nodded and rubbed Cloud’s arm. “Those people are your friends because they like you, not because they like the way you look. That’s a big deal, Cloud. They’re worried about you…”

“Don’t you fucking use them to guilt me,” Cloud said, but it came out more weak than the waspish reply he’d hoped to spit at Zack.

Zack held up a hand in supplication. “That’s not what I’m trying to do, kid. I’m trying to say that you have a lot of people that care for you, more even than I do. That’s a huge accomplishment. It’s something to feel good about.”

Cloud thought about it before nodding a little.

“They’ll probably be there for you every step of the way, won’t they?”

More tears were hastily wiped away as Cloud nodded vigorously, suddenly severely proud of himself.

“Well, that’s a start.”

****************************

Sephiroth entered the apartment with hesitance and no little bit of anxiety. He really didn’t want to have another fight, but it seemed like an inevitable part of his day anymore. He was tired and frustrated and at the end of his rope. He just wanted to magically wake up to a happy and healthy Cloud.

He didn’t want to go to sleep at night, wondering if Cloud would still be alive in the morning.

He’d been dead against Cloud leaving the hospital, but the blond had convinced Sephiroth it would be better to recover far away from that place of cold and white and doctors. Cloud had pleaded with tears in those big, blue eyes and the silver haired man couldn’t say no. Especially when Cloud had asked to go home with him. Cloud thought of Sephiroth as home. That was when he’d helped Cloud get discharged and brought him home, only to regret it not much later.

Cloud hadn’t got any better, and here there weren’t any IV’s or doctors to monitor Cloud’s chemical balances. He’d seriously contemplated pirating supplies from the labs and setting up his own IV drip for Cloud in their bedroom to make sure the blond was at the very least staying hydrated.

It was enough to make him insane.

Sephiroth sighed and wearily removed his boots as he heard someone rustling around in the kitchen. Curious, he neatly piled his boots in the little entry closet with everyone else’s and went towards the noise. It was Zack, head stuck in the fridge and shuffling around various items.

“Hello, Zack,” Sephiroth said as he leaned against the door frame.

The brunet came out of the fridge with bottle of beer in hand. “Hey,” he greeted as he popped the top off the bottle and took a long drink. “Do you want something?” he gestured at the bottle.

“I’ll have something, but not that horse piss.”

Zack chuckled and they both moved into the living room and the fully-stocked bar that resided there. Sephiroth poured himself a more-than generous tumbler of something clear and almost a hundred percent alcohol and knocked it back without a wince before pouring himself another.

“Ya know,” Zack said as Sephiroth downed his second drink. “Becoming an alcoholic isn’t going to solve anything.”

Sephiroth glared, but slowed down on his rapid liquor consumption. He put away the bottle he’d been pouring from and selected a scotch instead. A more normal helping of amber liquid was poured and Sephiroth flopped down on the couch. He closed his eyes and leaned back, swirling the liquor around in the glass but not drinking it.

The general’s eyes flew open when Zack said, “I talked to Cloud today.”

“Do you mean talked to him talked to him?” Sephiroth demanded.

“Ya. We spent a long time together, and Seph,” Zack shook his head. “This is absolutely not going to be a quick fix. You’re going to have to be patient, and you’re going to have to listen to me, and you’re going to have to let go of a lot of shit you’ve been carrying around in you’re thick head.”

Sephiroth bristled, but Zack cut him off with a sharp gesture. “If you want to keep him around, you’ll do what I say. If you want him alive you’ll do what I say. No more of this bullshit you keep giving me. You’re going to talk to me, you’re going to listen to what I say, and you’re going to do it. Am. I. Fucking. Clear?”

Thoroughly chastised and not wanting to show it, Sephiroth nodded and lowered his eyes.

Satisfied, Zack nodded and sank back into the couch he was sitting on. “Good. Now, we have a lot to talk about…”

TBC…