Citizen Snips

Citizen Snips



By: The Heartless



A/N: I don’t own Final Fantasy VII/Advent Children.



Summary: Post AC. Crack fic. Yuffie asks Tifa a question that might go too far when the two are chatting about a sensitive topic. Unfortunately, a certain someone is prone to watching the enemy and over hears the conversation… Added warning and an apology.



Rating: (Currently) Teen

Genre: General/Humor

Pairings: Yuffie/Sephiroth. Yuffie/Kadaj. Yuffie/Yazoo. Yuffie/Loz. Hm, Tifa/?



Warning: Nothin’ too much in this chapter. Just some OOCness in the form of Sephiroth and Yazoo. Just a wee bit more talkative and warmer than usual. : P



Chapter One: Bored Voyeurs



“And so the cocky, arrogant rogue General of Shin-Ra watched from his perverse version of the lifestream, as two chicks idly wondered--while washing dishes, no less--whether or not the General still had his foreskin,” Kadaj narrated, a contorted smile forming on his face, “Did I miss anything?”



“Yes,” Yazoo actually chirped, “That its utterly pathetic that someone of his stature is listening in on the idle chit-chat of two females he has nothing to fear from. As compared to say, his great rival and traitor brother, Strife.”



“That too,” Kadaj added snidely as Sephiroth seemed intent on ignoring the trio of Kadaj, Yazoo, and Loz.



Both Sephiroth and Loz were unusually quiet. One would expect that kind of behavior from Sephiroth, he was always like that… Probably because he didn’t know any better. Or knew all too well. Kadaj frowned, he disliked the silence that the group of four shared in Sephiroth’s very own lifestream.



Kadaj resented the fact that when he’d dissolved back into energy to return to “Mother,“ this silver haired…male…that his Mother had chosen over himself, had hijacked him. Forcing him to come to this stagnant entity that was a perversion of the grand lifestream where “Mother” awaited him.



He was particularly displeased when Loz and Yazoo arrived a short time later, and together, as siblings, they began bemoaning of their failed mission and the loss of Mother.



Kadaj turned his emerald eyes from Sephiroth to Yazoo from sheer boredom. It seemed that all Sephiroth had ever done in this void was…watch. Watch the everyday lives of Cloud and company. It was so damn dull too. At least with Yazoo, he got the benefit of seeing his other older brother move.



Sephiroth was too damn stiff, sometimes. ‘Not even remotely what I meant,’ warned Kadaj’s brain. You never quite knew who was your head in here.



They may have been a “living,”--he supposed that term was relative-- breathing part of Sephiroth, but the boss had made it clear, they were only around for small talk. Hell, if it weren’t for that, Kadaj doubted they would have their own consciousness or bodies.



Yazoo in turn shift his position, from one that was hunched over and expressionless, to one that was mocking Sephiroth’s. There was no need to fear retaliation--at least not now, later maybe--since they were little more than illusions, backed by energy.



“Boring…” Droned the once energetic youth, shifting from Yazoo to Loz.



Before he could actually stare at Loz--he’d die (heh) before looking in on humans--until his non-existent eyes began to rot, the much larger man had moved over to Sephiroth. A childish smile plastered on his face, if Kadaj didn’t know him any better, he could have sworn that Loz was going to ask for a favor.



From Sephiroth.



Of all people the guy could ask…true it was limited...



Sephiroth.



The cold, icy bastard that had all but used them and mother for that failed resurrection trick.



Really, Sephiroth!



Not even. Loz wasn’t that dull.



“Hey, brother,” Loz chirped.



Kadaj groaned inwardly, but kept watching. For a second, it was silent. Even Yazoo, who at times was unreachable in this place, had averted his eyes to his two older brothers.



“Shouldn’t that be self?” Sephiroth questioned, after a moment.



The oldest of the foursome had not relaxed his posture for the technique he was using to monitor AVALANCHE. Kadaj considered admitting the former General was better than he thought, but that would take away the fun of hating him.



“But…brother is a friendlier term. Isn’t it?” Loz questioned innocently.



Aw, warm fuzzies began to abound. At least for Kadaj, Loz was such a nice guy.



“Friendlier? Hm, I suppose,” Sephiroth replied, cracking an eye open to regard the younger man with slightly more respect, “What is it you wish?”



Loz swallowed, and it became clear he probably thought he wouldn’t get this far. Or his request was completely outlandish.



‘So which is it Loz? Problem with phrasing or is it outlandish?’ Yazoo wondered.



“Uh, brother, um, I was wondering…if, um, you’d, uh…” Loz trailed off, looking shamefully abashed.



Sephiroth regarded him coolly and with a good deal of patience. Kadaj supposed Sephiroth wouldn’t be Sephiroth if there was a total disconnect between him and other humans. After all, one needed to have some tidbit of social skills if they were to become a leader of an army.



“You wanted to…” Sephiroth said, smirking slightly, “Well, I can see why. However, after expending such great energy, it’s gonna take about a hundred days.”



“A hundred days? But I wanna-”



Sephiroth smirked, something in his eyes sparkled a bit. “Believe me, I am feeling the urge to go down there right now and shut the both of them up. But unfortunately, we’re stuck here. I could use the energy of this stream to reconstitute ourselves, but then, that’d be it. Kiss this stream goodbye.”



Kadaj cocked his head a little. The conversation the two girls had had hadn’t* affected him at all. He might have been more interested if Loz and Sephiroth hadn’t been so…so…invested in the girls’ conversation. Honestly, what did Sephiroth and Loz have that neither he nor Yazoo possessed.



Clearly, Loz had liked his part in their little talk. But why had he wanted to go down there? For what? For whom? What about Mother!?



“What about Mother!?” Kadaj screamed suddenly, “Loz have you forgotten Mother?”



A mumbled response, followed by a low pitched whine was Loz’s response. Sephiroth shook his head, smirk threatening to form a full-fledged smile.



“And you--” Kadaj exclaimed wildly, pointing to Sephiroth.



“Moi?”



“No, not MOI!!! Me!” Kadaj yelled enraged.



“Fine then. Me?” Sephiroth said stoically.



“Stop interrupting! I got somethin’ to say!”



“Oh? Well before you say, please speak proper English. Even that Wutain girl and that mutt from AVALANCHE can do it better than you.”



Kadaj grunted before continuing. “Don’t put ideas in his head like that! That’s horrendous! Chasing after human girls…”



“Aw,” Yazoo mocked smirking, “Is little Kadaj jealous the ladies aren’t feelin’ ‘im? Again.”



Loz chuckled. Sephiroth turned to stare at Kadaj, having been a near replica of the boy at sixteen, and having been very popular with the “ladies.” Kadaj on the other hand was only more agitated.



“Yeah, what’s up with that?” Loz questioned, eyebrows raised in a taunting manner.



“T-That’s completely ir-irrelevant to th-” Kadaj sputtered, shocked at his brothers’ teasing behavior.



Something in Sephiroth‘s mind clicked. “So wait…someone like you…died a-”



“Don’t say it!” Kadaj interjected.



Loz tried to finish for him. “A Vi-”



“DON’T SAY IT!!!”



“A virgin? A cherry? A filthy, godless son of a pig?” Yazoo finished quickly.



“I told you not to say it!” Kadaj said harshly, voice barely above a whisper. “And don’t insult Mother!”



“Unintentional self-burn!” Loz cheered, smiling impishly.



Kadaj’s eyes narrowed at the realization of what he’d done, before sending a glare at Yazoo, who looked a way innocently, a roguish smile on his pale face. Sephiroth snorted, though his eyes told them he was more amused then he let on.



With that said, Sephiroth returned to his daily visual, Loz, Kadaj, and Yazoo helping to keep tabs.



“Say, do we get Costa Del Sol on this thing? There’s this soap I wanna watch,” Yazoo questioned.



Silence met his question.



* That was odd, no? “Had had hadn’t” -- so weird, as Eiko would say.



A/N: Well that was kind of fun. I know, my humor sucks, but I going for mild humor rather LMAO funny. Hell, I don’t even like humor fics. Whatever, though. Hope you liked it.



Oh, and will no one catch the Futurama reference in the title? I don’t even like the show, but that guy screaming Citizen Snips in fear and panic never fails to crack me up. Also, that elephant, who never forgets…to kill. XD