Perfectly Flawed

GUILT



You should have lived…



Cloud buried his head further down against his pillow body shaking against his will. He tried to force his breathing back to a steady rhythm; desperately trying to allow sleep to take over his concise. The hot tears that streamed from his eyes were greedily sucked into his cotton pillow pooling wet patches on the fabric. His heavy breathing slowed into choked sobs and he squeezed his eyes painfully shut. His shaky hand viciously rubbed at the foreign tears spilling from his eyes. It was weak. It was disgusting and he hated how weak he felt. The tears brought no comfort only shame; he was not this weak nor did he want to allow himself to be. No matter what the reason.



She was so full of life; Cloud choked back a sob. Aerith, a girl that Cloud secretly knew to be a half sister, was now dead. The girl at only sixteen had fallen suddenly ill to leukemia. Her condition was stable for a while before she took a turn for the worst. It was abrupt and quick, and without warning.



Cloud remembered her asking for him to draw a silly picture of her favorite cartoon character; Cloud finding this out through his cousin having never going to the hospital to see the poor girl. He felt a pane of guilt sting in his chest. He never did grant the girl her wish; he swore this would pass over and she would return to her boastful self in all due time. But instead the frail girls’ body suddenly gave out. The struggle her body endured; the pain she must have felt. Cloud bit into his lip tasting the familiar copper of blood swarm around the area; nowhere near the pain that her parents’ felt when they had no other choice but to take the girl off life-support. Cloud shivered at the thought of having to make such a decision. The girl had gone completely brain dead. There was no coming back, no thoughts just emptiness. The empty look that must have overcome her eyes; the idea of the hollowness behind her once vibrant eyes made him cringe. He couldn’t even muster the courage to say his final goodbyes to her. The idea of seeing the girl lying in her coffin; the confirmation that this really was it she was gone.



Cloud felt another knife twist into his heart. He didn’t know the girl well. He knew, for a while at least, that the girl was related to him. A few sour notes passed through his mother’s lips about his father, she had refused to refer to the man by anything else, sleeping with the girl’s mother. She ranted on about how he tried to deny cheating on my mother but soon after his ‘affair’ with the other woman she had gotten pregnant. Cloud of course didn’t believe his mother’s none sense at first; he rarely did. But as he looked at his ‘sister’ he noticed more and more how much she looked like a strife; his father’s side of the family. Her chestnut locks and warm emerald eyes, the way she was built, her demeanor; she was nothing less than a beautiful female version of his father. Cloud’s throat ached and his head throbbed as he fought to control himself.



I didn’t try to know her… I just shut her out and I never gave her a chance… I’ll never have that chance now… she didn’t deserve this… Could she ever forgive me…?



Cloud’s thoughts swirled circles in his head. The pain growing in his chest and the sobs wracking his body; he wished it had been him. She had so much left for her and he had nothing, why was he allowed to live. Why couldn’t someone who deserved life; someone so full of life. Why hadn’t he fallen ill, why? His mind screamed and his body began to cave into exhaustion. His sobs died even though whimpers persisted as he was drawn into sleep curled up on his side grasping tightly at his tear soaked pillow.



Cloud found himself awaken by his phone as it rung painfully through his ears. As he gripped the covers to draw them away to swing his feet to the side of the bed he froze. He felt someone was here; his eyes darted around the room and his brows tensed together as his eyes narrowed. The room was glowing an eerie blue tint as light flooded through the open window. He watched as the small gusts of wind outside pushed the drapes up seemingly floating in the air. He cautiously placed his feet onto the floor as he looked forward; before he could push himself up to stand he felt the presence again.



Eyes; they felt like they burrowed into his skin. He held his breath and almost gasped; the lack of air in his lungs hadn’t allowed him and instead he felt dizzy. His eyes caught with the creature standing at the opposite end of the room just across from the bewildered boy. He froze as he examined it his eyes widening in fear. The creatures’ face looked to be a cross between a horse and a pig; but the skin was like leather pulled back tightly and wrinkled; not one hair on it. Its eyes were hollowed and all that was visible was two narrow black empty holes. Course and stringy black hair draped over the creatures head and it wore a black cape completely hiding its body. Cloud shuddered as he focused on the creatures’ lack of eyes. He was frozen in place and the creature refused to move as well. They were trapped by each other’s eyes for what felt to Cloud like an eternity before the creature finally motioned for Cloud to come forth. Uneasy Cloud hesitantly followed the creatures’ request; for whatever reason he found a voice commanding him to oblige to the beasts’ request. The creatures’ dried hands reached out from the cloak to cradle Cloud’s jaw in its palm. It tilted its head to lock eyes with Cloud once again and Cloud found his eyes involuntarily closing. He felt a warm glow over take his body; his eyes began to flutter open and he watched as streams of green glowing tendrils swirled around him. The beast all but gone from view; in the creatures stead a bright white opening lay ahead. Clouds’ feet moved on their own accord as they treaded into the blinding light. He felt himself being lifted and his stomach dropped; he closed his eyes tightly again and held his breath.



“Come Boy…” An elderly voice croaked.



Cloud blinked his eyes open to find a lanky old woman peering at him. Her skin was aged; wrinkles and deep crevices spread across her face and pale hands. Cloud was at a loss; he looked around desperately trying to find where he was. Cloud found himself standing on a wide ledge off the face of a tall brown stone mountain. He quickly dismissed the possibly of a mountain as he looked closer; he didn’t know ‘what’ this was.



A tall stone rose behind him and to his left; behind him the same blinding white archway he had stepped through before stood tall. The archway dwarfed by the incredibly tall rocks that seemed to climb endlessly towards the sky. The stones were a mixture of brown, crimson, and gold tones and layers. The sky held a pale blue completely clear and void of any Cloud’s; Cloud himself couldn’t find a sun settled in the sky either and wondered how it was light out without the burning star. He noticed a solitary shrub of a tree barely grown out of the ground. It was lifeless; no leaves adorn its thin and frail twigs. It was a gray color and the bark was flaky; Cloud focused on this for some reason and he felt his heart sink. He was unable to tear his eyes from it until the elder woman spoke again.



“She wishes to see you… Come Child…”



Cloud nodded not really aware of what the woman was talking about; he hadn’t the slightest idea what was going on but he somehow knew he needed to follow the woman as he did the creature that led him here in the first place.



The wide ledge off the face of the rock formation led them to a small wooden cottage. It seemed to float on the edge of the cliff. Something about it warmed Cloud’s heart as he continued to walk the path towards it; and he found his pace quickened. Nearing the small building Cloud found his voice, but barely, and spoke softly to the thin elder leading him towards the door.



“Who… Who is she?”



As they stood in front of the house the elder paused at the door before looking back to the young boy; her face was soft but she didn’t smile. She remained impassive and she opened the door standing aside as she ushered the boy in without a word.



“The dining room,” she commanded.



How he knew where to go was beyond him; he simply followed the woman’s’ orders and upon hearing a few voices from the next room over he knew he was headed in the correct direction. As turned a corner in the house and made his way through a narrow door way into the long dining room. It was short width wise; it allowed people enough room to walk around the lengthy dining room table that took up most of the rooms’ space. The table was a deep brown oak and four chairs were tucked on either side of it; and one chair on each end. He glanced to the seats looking over to find which were empty. All but three were occupied and Cloud wondered to himself where exactly that third person was for the last of the seats. He was guided to sit at the opposite end of the table in the fourth seat on the right side; his eyes stared at the empty chair next to him at the end of the table and wondered again who the elder had spoken about earlier. He looked to the other occupants of the room and he found their attire was scattered between different time eras. He was seated next to a younger woman who wore a tight corset dress. The bottom of the dress seemed to poof out at the waist. Her head adorning a rather large sun hat decorated by jewels and feathers; she wore long elegant white gloves with pearls wrapped around his wrist and neck. She was stunning; an elegant Victorian woman. His eyes drifted to the man sitting next to her. His figure being the complete opposite from the tiny woman bound by her corset; his stomach protruded under his western style suit. A glass lens clenched carefully in his left eye; his cheeks were rosy, his face sporting an odd goatee. Cloud’s eyes wandered across the table at this point to look over the other figures at in their seats chatting casually. There were two more males and one other female sitting across from him; all wearing far out dated clothing. And by out dated he meant century old fashions. Cloud was puzzled by their appearances but didn’t dwell on it for long as the elderly woman again drew their attention to her.



“Time to eat,” she stated as food was laid out before them. Cloud thanked the, what he guessed was the servant, and paused before picking up his fork. He tensed as he watched the other go to raise their forks and spoke quickly, “Wait, What about the girl?” Cloud blinked at his own question; he wasn’t sure why he knew that the two women sitting down weren’t the ones the elder was speaking about but he knew none the less. It was his gut feeling and he didn’t feel right eating while the person that was waiting for him wasn’t even there yet in the first place.



The elderly woman just smiled, “She’s here now…”



As she spoke Cloud’s eyes shot wide at the figure that walked through the narrow doorway at the opposite side of the room. Her chestnut bangs hid her bowed face and a sad smile was the only facial feature Cloud could make out from under her bangs. She moved passed him and sat at the table; picking the seat next to his at the end of the table. Her eyes never met his but her smile was present the entire time.



“Aerith…Aerith are you alright? Please Aerith,” Cloud wasn’t sure why he was pleading; or even what he was pleading about. He needed to hear her, he needed to apologize; he wanted to be forgiven for being so selfish.



Before he could continue the elder silenced him, “You will have time to speak later; now we eat. Enjoy this time together…”



She sat opposite to Aerith at the other end of the long oak table. Cloud complied but throughout the meal he couldn’t help but keep glancing at Aerith again and again impatiently. There were so many things he wanted to say; so much that was left unsaid. After everyone finished Cloud prodded her with more questions and pleading; not once raising a response from the pale girl.



“Are you ok? Is everything alright?” He received only a nod and a half-hearted smile. Of course things weren’t alright, “No… no, it’s not okay… I-I… Aerith, I’m so sorry… Come back, you can come back ok? It’s not right you shouldn’t be here… You have to go back….”



He felt the familiar sting of tears willing to spill from his eyes. Why wouldn’t she speak to him? Why would she only shake or nod her head in response? He tried to touch the girls’ face; she felt so cold. He drew his hand back only to have it fall to his lap in a defeated heap and he stared at the empty plate in front of him. He felt her cold finger tips reach under his chin to turn his face towards hers. She smiled reassuringly with her soft eyes. He felt at a loss of words; her eyes spoke what her lips did not.



She was going to be okay. He didn’t need to worry; and she would miss him dearly as he would her. They hadn’t known each other well but they shared an almost invisible bond together. And she promised that even now; even without really knowing one another that the bond would never break. And she would never be far from him.



“It’s time now… We must go boy,” the elder spoke and Cloud’s heart nearly stopped as he whipped his head to stare at her with wide eyes.



“No…Not yet, I don’t want to…” He was cut off by Aerith’s finger tips withdrawing from the bottom of his chin and he felt a warm kiss on his forehead before the girl moved away from him towards the doorway.



“Aerith, wait! Wait!!”



The girl hadn’t responded to his yell; instead she disappeared from sight. Cloud jumped from his seat and rounded the corner to look out from the door she had just left from and saw no trace of her. The elderly woman just placed a bony hand on his shoulder, “We must leave…”



Cloud did as directed, each step out the door and through the rocky cliff stung and jabbed at his chest. He wasn’t done speaking to Aerith. He wanted, no, needed to tell her one last thing. She needed to know. He wanted her to know that she was flesh and blood to him; if only partly. He wanted to apologize for being such a terrible brother. Before they reached the archway he paused stopping the elder in her tracks. She turned to him and glared at him solemnly in question.



“I...I need to say one last thing… before I go..,” Cloud confessed and thankfully the woman nodded.



She summoned a glass ball from her cloak; much like the same cloak the beast wore; and guided it to hover in front of Cloud’s eyes. A smoky image of Aerith came into view and Cloud desperately spoke everything he could. He spoke of their relation; of his guilt; of her importance. He needed to make her realize it wasn’t okay for her to leave. It wasn’t right and it wasn’t her time; she had so much ahead of her and he made sure he made his point across. The more he spoke the more his lungs began to feel as though they caved in his chest; his heart felt like it was beating in his ears; and his eyes began to blur again from tears springing freely from his eyes. When he could finally speak no more he leaned closer to the image of her searching her face for any type of response. His breath was ragged and choked. Before her image disappeared he saw her smile and mouthed the words ‘thank you Cloud’ before fading away.



He frantically looked about the orb and searched the elderly woman’s’ eyes, “Wait! No, she can’t go!”



The woman shook her head, “You must go back now…” She lifted a cord that appeared to run into the bright archway. “I have to cut the link tying this realm to your own… This will be the last you will be able to come here. You can’t come back.”



“What?? Why, why can’t I come back?! Why can’t …………,” Cloud watched as the woman took shears to the cord and he felt his body fall backwards into the archway. His entire body felt like it was being pulled down and his insides seemed to pull tight in his body as he fell backwards.



Cloud’s eyes shot open, fresh tears already falling from them. His body shook violently and he curled in on himself into a tight ball. He held his knees to his chest and nearly screamed at the pain that pierced his chest. His sobs grew louder and he felt his lungs burn at the sharp intakes of air. His heart felt like it was being crushed; and he could no longer hold back the yell of anguish that ran past his lips as he screamed at the tormenting feeling. I will never know her… I have lost her forever…