100 ideas

So Chaserofpeenor and I were talking about weird ideas, which then got followed by me showing her that video on youtube of the surprised kitten. You know the one, where the guy is tickling it then takes his hands away and the kitten's paws go out like it's surprised. Yeah, somehow that went into pickup lines, then Reno saying thos lines to Zack, then Sephiroth saying it to Cloud, then it being demanded that I write it. I have finished my homework, so here it is. I'm putting it in my prompt things because really, it kind of is.

Disclaimer: Characters belong to their respective owners.

Prompt: Final Fantasy VII Sephiroth/Cloud "I have a kitten in my pants. Want to pet my kitten?"

Warning: Bad pickup lines, molestation, a new word for penis, lying about kittens.

Rating: Not quite NC17, but still a very solid R.

No beta used.

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"I'm telling you it'll work," Zack whispered as he pushed Sephiroth towards the door, "He will totally go for it."

"Will you unhand me?" the silver haired male hissed as batted the younger SOLDIER away, "There is no way that he will simply allow me to proposition him like that."

"Just say what I told you to say and everything will work out!" the spiky haired youth snapped.

"Zachary Fair, I will not go up to an infantryman and say 'do you want to be my kitty, I can stroke you if you want'!"

Zack squinted up at his superior, a petulant look on his face before it suddenly brightened, a deep sinking feeling immediately sweeping Sephiroth and chilling him to the core. "Hey Cloud!" the brunet suddenly cried, "Sephiroth has to talk to you!"

The General's head whipped around, emerald eyes going wide as he took in the sight of a slightly confused blond approaching him. With a snarl he turned, intent on destroying his supposed friend, only to find that Zack had conveniently vanished into thin air. "Can I help you sir?" the voice that had been haunting the silver haired male's dreams asked.

A little shakily, Sephiroth turned back to the blond. Wide, innocent blue eyes stared up at him expectantly and the General felt his mouth moving even though he most definitely did not will it to. "I have a kitten in my pants," he said dumbly, "Do you want to pet my kitten?"

Cloud remained motionless for a moment before sapphire eyes moved down to stare at his superior's tight leather pants. Sephiroth silently berated himself as he tried to think of something, anything, to make himself seem less retarded and creepy. "Oh!" the blond suddenly exclaimed, catching Sephiroth off guard, "I can see the kitten!" The General almost lurched backwards when a slim hand shot out and began to stroke his bulge, only years of training allowing him to keep his poise. Unfortunately the part of his anatomy that Cloud was currently petting didn't have quite the same grace and gave a very interested twitch in response. "Hello little kitten," the blond cooed.

Dear god he's dumb, Sephiroth thought distractedly as that warm, surprisingly talented hand stroked over his encased length. "It likes you," he heard himself say and had to suppress the urge to smack himself on the forehead.

"But it's hiding," Cloud pouted, "Why won't it come out?"

Oh thank you sweet Gaia for giving me this idiot of a blond. I will never fantasize about destroying you again, Sephiroth vowed as he raised a hand to run his fingers through soft golden spikes. "If you pet it a little harder it's sure to come out," he purred.

Sapphire eyes brightened considerably as that small hand moved faster, more pressure causing Sephiroth to groan. The General's hand suddenly fisted in Cloud's hair, forcing his head back as a pair of lips descended on his own. The blond let out a little squeak, unconsciously grabbing Sephiroth's arousal firmly as he was pushed up against the hall wall, a tongue invading his mouth. A hand grasped his hip as the General ground against him.

Sephiroth broke off the kiss suddenly, growling out, "Keep petting my kitten. It wants you to pet it."

Cloud's mouth worked silently as he tried to form some sort of a response, realization of exactly what that kitten was finally dawning on him. Before he could come to any sort of a decision on how to handle the situation he found himself in, the blond felt the hand that was on his hip move to cup him through his pants. Gasping loudly at the feel of the General touching him, Cloud's hand unconsciously squeezed the length he was holding.

Sephiroth growled possessively as the blond squeezed him, his own hand mimicking the movement. Smirking as he felt the younger male's length respond to his touch, the silver haired male bent his head forward, lips coming into contact with the smooth flesh of the blond's neck. Cloud let loose a throaty moan as the General began to work his lips and teeth over the skin he found, intent on leaving a mark for all to see. The blond responded rather vocally when Sephiroth gave him another squeeze, urging the older male on. Bringing both his hands down to the front of Cloud's pants, the silver haired male barely restrained himself from ripping the fabric in his haste to get actual contact with the hard length beneath it. A stern, yet somewhat desperate, look spurred Cloud into motion, the blond deftly unfastening Sephiroth's leather pants and slipping a hand inside. The General moaned loudly when the blond's slim hand finally made true contact with his hot, aching flesh. He wasted no time in returning the favor, earning a sound that was somewhere between a mewl and a squeak.

"You like that don't you," Sephiroth breathed, his voice husky, "You like petting my kitten. Do you like it when I pet yours? Do you like me petting you like this?"

"Yeeesss," Cloud hissed, his head dropping back against the wall as he stroked the larger male.

"Does the kitten have some milk for me?" the silver haired male babbled as his hand moved in unison to the blond's, "Will it give me its milk?" Cloud simply cried out in response, his hips pushing into the General's grasp as his hand worked desperately over the hot flesh in his grasp. "Give me the milk," Sephiroth hissed into the blond's ear, "Give it to me Cloud."

The blond let loose a resounding wail, coming into the General's hand in thick spurts, his own hand tightening its hold and forcing the silver haired male into orgasm as well. Sephiroth bit down into Cloud's neck, teeth sinking deep without breaking skin, as he bucked in his release. After a moment the pair collapsed against one another, slowly sliding to the floor in a disorganized heap as they tried to regain their breath. Finally coming to his senses, Cloud raised his head and poked Sephiroth on the forehead. "You owe me a real freaking cat," he informed his superior, receiving a grunt in response.

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"That was fucking hot yo," Reno whispered from his hiding spot down the hall.

"I can't believe that worked," Genesis responded in hushed tones, "I mean really, I have a kitten in my pants?"

"I bet it'd work on someone else," the redhead said.

"Prove it."

"Follow me yo," the Turk smirked. Silently the pair left the scene, making their way to the SOLDIER cafeteria in record time. Scanning the area Reno found his target. "Watch and learn," he said confidently, "Yo Zack! Come here for a moment!"

"Hey!" the brunet said cheerfully as he jogged up to the turk and SOLDIER, "What's up?"

"I have a kitten in my pants, want to pet my kitten?" Reno said confidently, a slight leer on his face.

Violet eyes went impossibly large as the raven haired SOLDIER looked down at the redhead's pants. "OH MY GOD THE KITTEN'S GOING TO SUFFOCATE!" he shouted before grabbing the Turk's belt and ripping it away, the slacks soon following and revealing Reno's commando state to the entire cafeteria.

"Huh," Genesis said, that worked better than I thought it would," he averted his gaze to the somewhat stunned Turk commander standing next to him. "I've got a kitten in my pants too you know." Tseng's eyes swiveled to the SOLDIER for a moment, narrowing slightly before he struck out, his foot slamming into Genesis' manhood. "Oh my kitten," the redhead squeaked as he crumpled to the floor.

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Why yes, I am an idiot, thank you for noticing. But hey, it amused Chaserofpeenor and I to no end, so hopefully it will amuse you too.