Lost Angels

Summary: 5 years… Loved ones lost... Forlorn... Cloud finds himself in a chance encounter, being saved by someone he least expected. Will it lead to more, or will he self destruct along the way. Is Reno’s newfound feelings enough to keep him living?
Disclaimer: I do not own final fantasy or its characters. I also do not own Gackt, or his song “Lost Angels” or the lyrics for it. And do not make money off of this fanfiction.
Warnings: Angst, Yoai tidbits… nothing too bad…
Notes: This Fic is based on the Song “Lost Angels” by Gackt. If anyone wants the link to the lyrics, and translation… or the song itself.. just pm me or mention it in your review. The song … a portion of its lyrics will be the basis for each chapter. This fic will be 7 chapters long. Unless I decide to do an epilogue, but… lets cross that bridge when we get there.


“LOST ANGELS”
Chapter 2:
‘Tears to powdered snow’


The peaceful hum of a fan was what Cloud first became aware of. But his consciousness fought truly coming awake. So many reasons to stay asleep, and he couldn’t remember a one of them. He knew that the whole world around his senses felt, smelled, and sounded blurry altogether.


Fighting his own body his eyes slowly slit open. The smells became stronger. He could smell coffee, but he buried his face to the left into what was obviously a soft pillow that his head was on, the smell was so masculine and comforting. What was it?


The haze he was laying in, was mentally and visually, slowly lifting. He was in a comfortable bed, it was SO comfortable, warm, enveloping around him. It was like soft arms were cradling him, a thick plush quilt was tucked around him as well. The room he was laying in was dim, the slight lighting was coming from a natural source he’d concluded, as he turned his head to the right to see a thick curtain covered window. It was still letting just enough sunlight through the slit in the fabric to give the room its feel.


As Cloud went to sit up, his head began to throb and with that slow beginnings of aching pain, the memories of last night came flooding back as well. The very first thing that went through Cloud’s mind as the scenes flitted in the front of his mind, was utter remorse. Remorse for what happened years ago, and remorse for what he’d done last night. Oh Gaia last night…


Reno… Cloud remembered the beautiful teal blue eyes… and the first thoughts of brighter blue ones… Cloud felt such shame. The TURK hadn’t had to be so kind, and he’d helped him out of a serious incident that could have turned deadly. Cloud grabbed his face, burying it in his hands… he couldn’t do anything without screwing it up, or making it so that someone else had to look out for and protect him.


‘That’s why you got in this predicament in the first place strife…’ He mentally chided himself. He couldn’t remember the whole night, he only knew that Reno understood why he’d been upset, without a second glance or a disgusted look or anything. The lean and usually playful yet deadly TURK had enveloped him in an embrace and soothed him.


Cloud tried again to get up. He succeeded and looked down at himself, he was still clothed… so the TURK wasn’t taking advantage of him by any means. Not that Cloud even knew if he would be interested in someone of the same sex. And not that Cloud was even considering it. He hurt inside his heart so all consumingly so that he couldn’t even consider anything like that at this point in his life, if ever again… after…


Well, the TURK had to have carried him. His belts and shoes were gone. He didn’t have a clue where to look. The room was neat and spacious, but no sign of the items were in there at all. Must be Reno took them off somewhere out in the entry of main room perhaps.


Cloud, very carefully toed his way to the door. If Reno was here still, which he most likely was…why would he let CLOUD…Cloud Fucking Strife… be alone in his place, well, Cloud didn’t want to wake him up. He’d been so caring to him last night.


The hallway led out of the bedroom and into a nice spacious lodge style living room or den. Cloud smiled, he’d love a place like this, must be Shinra really made up for being a selfish dickhead… though really, Rufus WAS truly making new difficult steps to correct all the wrongs. He trailed his hand along the wooden back of the couch, this was a really nice and warm feeling place that Reno had on the outskirts of edge. He turned his head and looked… there was even a fire going in a nice fireplace over along the right wall, must have been what was keeping him so cozy in the bedroom.


He passed a bathroom on the left that was not far from the bedroom, or the doors that he was coming up to that must lead into the dining room or kitchen. They were nice French doors with etched glass panes. He couldn’t see much through them… it was still early in the morning and this was towards the west, the sun was barely coming in the bedroom window. And with no lights on it made it even more dim.


He slowly opened one door, quietly. It was a BEAUTIFUL all natural wood kitchen, the cabinets were merely sealed… not stained. And it all still smelled so fresh and new. It seemed brighter in here now that he was here. He turned his head to the left, essentially towards the south and saw why. There was a bright wide and clear glass sliding door. Reflecting the brightness of the outdoors the landscape functioned wonderfully and the glass door was letting it all in. He smiled…


There sat Reno his back to the room against the glass, only in pants, his bare arms and back so taut with lean muscles, no socks, no shoes… in a Midgar bitter chill of winter. Sitting on a small concrete slab that was like a back porch. He was smoking with an arm slung over a knee and his head cocked to the side slightly, as if he was lost in thought.


Cloud shuddered lightly. The other side of the door was wide open. Reno probably knew he was there even though he’d moved as quietly as he could. The TURKS though few, stayed and attained where they were for a reason…. Then were trained on top of that.


He smiled, Reno made for a VERY nice sight. A person could get used to waking up in such a warm and cozy home and then coming out to this sight first thing as well. The smile grew warmer as he went up to the open door, almost right beside Reno, yet where the redheaded TURK could still see him comfortably without having to crane his neck… but what had made his smile grow… was the very faint look of surprise that flitted across Reno’s face as Cloud came within his line of vision.


Reno was gently surprised out of his thinking, when a sleep ruffled Cloud came into the line of his side vision. He looked up and saw no hostility in the beautiful bright blue eyes and smiled. He’d gained a newfound respect for the man that stood before him. He smiled warmly and acceptingly, hoping Cloud would see his respect and newfound care for him..


Cloud felt a smile tug at his own lips when the red head turned and looked up at him. The smile reached his eyes, causing them to twinkle…sadly… and reverently at the same time. He’d had some anxiety thinking that he’d have to find where his belongings were and hurry and leave. He was worried that Reno would regret and feel awkward about last night. But all his apprehension left when he looked at that sincere face.


He suddenly turned his eyes to the background and breathed in quickly. “Oh Reno” He breathed, and smiled with one side of his mouth.


The red headed TURK turned his head in the general direct Cloud’s was looking and smiled again. They both sat and stood there, watching the small and light snowflakes fall like dust in the mostly blue and clear sky. It was beautiful. Chilly yet breathtaking, they were sharing something special together. It wasn’t often that it snowed…. Rare indeed.


Cloud leaned against the door where his leg was brushing Reno’s arm slightly, and they both stayed silent for a time. Cloud thinking how nice it was to not feel alone on this morning, and Reno thinking about what he’d missed in all this time…


It was Cloud’s voice that finally and softly broke the companionable silence they’d shared. “You know… It was a day like today that Aerith left us… The snow didn’t even feel wet, just like a chilly wind. It was so beautiful… as it fell around us, you could hardly see it. Sometimes I wondered if it was only me that saw it. Maybe it was the misty tears of the planet… or maybe it was simply the icy feel of what had happened that I was feeling. “


Cloud looked at his feet. “I couldn’t save her… it was like she knew and wanted it to happen. Why can’t I save anyone… I can’t save a life… even my own.” Cloud closed his eyes. It had been difficult for him to open up to Reno for many reasons and being sober wasn’t helping at all either. He could only hope that Reno understood.


Reno had simply stayed silent, though he and the TURKS had known all that had gone on. Tseng had been close with the flower girl. Reno never was, but knew of her… and all the details of one of the biggest things that happened in that small saga of Gaia history. He could sense that Cloud needed this. He needed to trust someone and open up. His sensitive heart needed to have someone to lean on right now.


Reno watched up at Cloud from his seat on the ground. And as the younger man talked he couldn’t help but notice how the pale lighting of this chilly day, reflected off of Clouds already pale and golden features, making his skin look almost milky in appearance. So creamy and smooth. So young… so hurt. Reno softly smiled at the sad thought. Clouds eyes turned a deeper stormy blue-gray as he talked about that day in history. But Reno knew what he meant, he too had felt the icy and bitter cries of the planet that day. Cloud’s face looked so lone, sad, and humbled when he tipped it down and closed his eyes. Reno wanted nothing more than to get up and kiss his eyelids… but he didn’t.


Reno took that moment instead… to wrap a hand around the calf of the leg that was nearest him and brushing his arm. He didn’t grab him maliciously, he simply touched consolingly and warm, rubbing his thumb gently over the seam on Clouds Cloud’s pant leg. It wasn’t a touch to invade personal space or to come across as harassment. He looked up at the now open and sparkling blue eyes and simply smiled again.


Cloud felt the warm touch on his leg and opened his eyes to see Reno hold only his lower leg so gently with his long fingered hand, and gently brush his thumb on the cloth of Cloud’s pants. His eyes widened slightly in disbelief. Reno was accepting of him, and shockingly… Cloud found his presence extremely comforting. He felt like he could open up to him. But… he still wasn’t ready to talk about Zack… When those blue-green eyes looked up at his own Cloud smiled warmly and completely for the first time in a long time. Cloud whispered… “Why did we lose so many angels…?” And the companionable silence settled again.


[…

“’Don’t cry any more…’ whispers the sky gently…

Winter comes to call, the melody of those that have fallen evokes spring…

Like you were on the day we met you showed a smile…

And disappear along with the children that clung to your pale hands…

The overflowing tears change to powder snow…”

…]


Reno’s mind wandered while he clung lightly to that strong leg… offering his own presence, while feeling soothed by Cloud’s as well. He grinned with a slightly confused look on his face when all of a sudden Cloud’s hand appeared in his face. He turned his face back up to look into Clouds. His pale angelic features drew him in… his eyes… Cloud’s eyes made him feel free, like when he flew … the sky. Cloud belonged to the name ‘angel’ even more than the others that he held onto. He was so drugged on the sight of Cloud’s face that he startled when he realized Cloud had cried again. Two trails of tears left the corners of the man’s face. But why was Cloud holding out his hand.


Cloud had been so deeply moved by the way that Reno looked at him. He looked at him as if he was something worthwhile… he wasn’t… but it was still so touching. He became slightly embarrassed and pulled his hand slightly back some. “Cold… you’ll die of hypothermia if you stay out here like this much longer” Cloud looked away from the intensely warm gaze and ducks his head. “Besides… you held me last night… I don’t think that… my hand is inappropriate.” Cloud sheepishly smiled and a pink hue tinged his cheeks lightly.


Reno reached out and took Cloud’s hand. But not just the way you would if you needed help. He had the nerve enough to link their fingers as he stood. He gave another reassuring smile to the hesitant blond. Cloud had created the opening for them… he was sure to take it with open arms. “Lets you an me get some joe…”


They walked back into the kitchen together… Reno led the way and Cloud let go of his hand immediately. Obviously they were pushing some personal limit that Cloud had reached. But the red headed TURK didn’t stop glancing at the man behind him, even as he puttered about the counter fixing them both mugs of steamy hot coffee he could see Cloud squinting more than usual and the place where his eye brows met was bunched tighter than normal.


He was suffering from a headache… from hangover? Crying? Or simply from the strain who knows? But Reno wasn’t going to let any more time pass by without him trying to help him…if he could. He pulled out a small bottle from the cabinet, it was a run of the mill over the counter pain reliever… but it’d take a bit of an edge off. “Hey…” He said sadly as Cloud sat at the breakfast bar with his head in his hand. “Here… take two of these.” He said with a caring timber to his voice.


Cloud looked at the small white bottle. He needed something a lot different than that. But he wasn’t about to start taking ANY pills right now. “Um.. no thank you Reno.” He said and dipped his face down again.


“Well, at least take this coffee. And… can you stay a while? I’ll make us some breakfast. Caffeine and some food will do us wonders. And I don’t work…?” Reno asked hopefully, gauging the body language of the man in front of him. When a still slightly saddened yet blushing face looked up at him… he could read it all in Cloud’s eyes. Self hatred… fear… loneliness… it was all there but in a flash it was wiped with a slight smile.


“I’d like that. Thank you. Can I help you at all?” Cloud asked while taking a good grip on the steaming mug of coffee


“Nope… I got it Cloudo.” Reno happily hummed and practically danced his way back to the counter. If grin’s could win money… Reno’d hit the jackpot… his grin couldn’t GET any larger. It’d break his face.


The next half hour was filled with soft conversation, a little bit of tender laughing in remembering fonder times. And the scent’s of breakfast being cooked. The bacon, eggs and toast were served perfectly cooked and happily inhaled by both parties who sat hip to hip at the breakfast counter.


“Cloudo???” Cloud suddenly broke out the question after they’d laughed about some of his embarrassing moments as a cadet this time. They’d been talking and happily sitting even though breakfast had been finished forever ago. The passage of time had no meaning to the two lost souls.


Reno had the decency to at least blush with his grin. “Um… it just seemed fitting I guess. I mean.. if you don’t like pet names…. Then….” Reno looked down at Cloud who now wore a faraway look again.


“I’ve only had one name like that before… I guess it’s ok” He looked back at Reno and saw his stormy sea green eyes. “I think I liked it…” He finished softly. The colors in the TURKS eyes seemed to shift a bit. They were blue… and they were green, a beautiful speckled sea. Tumultuous and filled in pain. There was more to everybody…


“Why…” Reno started barely above a whisper… his own eyes riveted to the unearthly bright blue ones that studied his own. “Why didn’t I open my eyes sooner… to see you and get to know you sooner…” He reached up and cupped the side of Cloud’s face.


Cloud felt so warm that second actually felt good. But when Reno’s hand touched his face… he felt the flood of tears threatening to break lose. He looked away and shifted so he wasn’t as near to this lean man that was more of a savior than himself.


Reno could tell he’d pushed Cloud too far. But ohh… did he want to. This moment was so perfect there could have been fireballs falling rather than snowflakes and it would still feel like the most beautiful love scene out of a comic…or a movie. The man that had just turned away… needed love… direction… and a supporting arm…and shoulder to lean on. ‘Oh Cloud… don’t you see fate has crossed our paths???’…


They both did the dishes. The easygoing, and funny attitude coming out for both of them again. The late morning crept into afternoon and found the two men splashing each other with the remaining soapy water, their laughter filling the house.


Cloud gave a heavy sigh but the smile stayed lightly on his face. “It felt good to laugh with you Reno… this was a … pretty nice day. Thank you” He said while averting his eyes. Reno’s face was turned towards his and his eyes were reading his every statement. He regretted thanking him now… because… he didn’t deserve this happiness that the TURK had gifted him with today.


Reno’s heart thudded quickly for a minute. He was just thanked by Cloud?... He didn’t smile he just ran his eyes over Cloud’s face… yearning to touch it with his fingers… his lips… He reached out and took Cloud’s damp hand with his own and while still watching his face he slowly brought the hand up to his lips. He so gently brushed his lips across the damp knuckles. He could smell the soap from the dishwater and could still smell that faint yet comforting scent of freedom on the blond.


He watched as Cloud’s eyes fluttered for the briefest of seconds when he’d kissed the man’s knuckles. So he turned Cloud’s hand over… still silent… still watching Cloud’s face as emotions washed over it. He found the sensitive skin on the inside of his wrist. Lips descended again… with a whispering and tickling brush of lips again… Cloud’s eyes closed longer and if Reno wasn’t careful he’d SWEAR the man leaned and swayed slightly towards him.


Cloud was feeling drunk and high… drunk on the laughter and high on the drug known as Reno… he was driving his senses awake… that couldn’t happen… but… it felt so good. He closed his eyes and leaned towards the red head. His body screamed ‘hold me’… his heart screamed ‘no…’ but his mind simply said…’take today … and curse yourself later…’


Reno grabbed Cloud by the arms till the blond looked into his eyes. He stood his full height straight over Cloud… he was just enough taller than the blond that he could feel like a protector…a comforter…a man that Cloud needed… He had to be… this felt too right. Confused yet yearning bright blue eyes looked up at him. Still slightly rimmed with pink and his face flushed, Reno could tell easily that Cloud had been crying last night and perhaps again this morning… but it didn’t make him any less appealing. He brought his hand up with his fingers splayed out and ever so gently, ran his fingertips ghosting from Cloud’s forehead, over his eyes fluttering shut, down his cheeks and stop to settle on the Blonds collar bone. “You’re so beautiful…” Reno whispered before wrapping his free hand behind Cloud and pulling him forward to him.


Cloud could have cried… it was the most beautiful thing anyone had done for him… since…Zack…
But he wouldn’t think about any of that now… He simply breathed… his eyes swimming…holding in the tears. He allowed himself to be pulled forward. Reno’s eyes closed and he found his own closing as the most chaste and simplest…yet sweetest kiss he’d had met his lips. His thoughts swarmed all around one thought… chivalry… as they said ‘maybe it’s not dead’…


Reno’s heart sang out so hard he could have cried… he’d seen the tears in Cloud’s eyes… but they weren’t sheer sadness… they were self condemning and thankful all at the same time. But when the Blond compliantly leaned into the kiss and breathed out so sweetly. Reno sighed and half moaned suddenly deepening the sweet and delicious kiss. As he did so, it stole both their breaths. Cloud suddenly clung around Reno’s back… It was life in that moment… life so fulfilling for the slightest of time. Their hearts hammered in their ears and the world disappeared… could it be real?


Cloud forgot everything in that second… all he felt, smelled, and tasted was Reno. He clung onto him…as a buoy for a lifesaver while awash in the ocean of his emotions. Reno was suddenly there claiming his body and pulling him out of that sense of drowning. But… did he want to feel like this? His heart thudded so loud it hurt his head…


The thudding grew louder and desperate for both of them.. but it pulled them out of their embrace and became louder still.. They both realized at the same time… someone was pounding on Reno/s front door.


“Shit….” Was all Reno said and leaned his forehead against Cloud’s.


Cloud was almost thankful… but at the same time he felt the same irritation that Reno did. His hands stayed around Reno’s back till they heard the banging even louder again. Cloud finally found his voice.. “Reno… where’s my stuff?” He looked away from the earnest oceanic gaze.


“uh… it’s in the closet over there.” He pointed to the small door by the back sliding glass door. “I… better get this” He motioned towards the living room…and front door.


Cloud nodded and watched the redhead trot off. This was his saving moment… all warning bells were screaming in his head now. He fought back the bile that wanted to rise in his throat. How could he do this. It felt so good… so warm…so welcoming… but he didn’t deserve that. Reno didn’t deserve to be held. What could he do… ‘Ohh Zack… why did you leave me…. I don’t know what to do… if you were still here I’d be by your side. But… Reno felt so right… No..’ Cloud grabbed his head and clenched two handfuls of hair… He needed to stop. Be calm. Get ready and leave… he needed to tear out of here as fast as he could go. Though… even that would hurt now.


Reno opened the door the hulking bulk of a man that was his partner. He knew it’d be Rude… certainly girl scouts and religious people didn’t bang for 10 minutes that way his partner did. “Yo Rude… s’good ta see ya.”


“Sure Reno… if you’re so happy to see you… why didn’t you open the door sooner? Wait… don’t answer that. We got notified by a certain bar owner across to edge that was worried about a certain red headed TURK of ours that paid off a large amount of money for some damage cause by one ‘Gaia’s hero’??? What the hell is going on Reno?”


“Yo Rude… chill man. Cloud was jus… havin a bad night. An… well it got slightly hairy. I’ve never seen him drunk before. But certainly a man is allowed the freedom to do so. I just didn’t want to see him hurt anyone including himself.” Reno finished up as vaguely as possible. Even though he trusted Rude with his life and more… he still wasn’t at liberty to share the personal information of what he and Cloud had shared or what he’d told Reno.


“So you brought him back here?” When Reno nodded Rude raised an eyebrow behind his trademark glasses. “Reno.. do you realize how much of a risk you are taking by having him here? This is your ‘sanctuary’ you say!” He shut right up when he saw one of the kitchen French doors start to open.


Cloud slowly came out and nodded politely to Rude. He respected the man every time he saw him. Rude took one look at the very emotionally wrung out man and his whole demeanor softened. He could see that Cloud had been crying… which he’d never once thought was possible for the sturdy man. Cloud was someone that hundreds if not thousands looked up to. His strength in defeating Sephiroth… not once… but twice. As well as many other things he’d done… was enough to earn the respect of anyone. But the younger man was filled with such self hatred ever since he’d gone missing with 1st Class Zack Fair all those years ago.


“Well wasn’t it a beautiful surprise today?” Rude asked while adjusting his glasses and looking out behind him out the front door to the ground below the raised front porch. “The snow’s so rare now. Boy Cloud … I don’t know how you did it in that mountain town… we get a tiny bit of the freezing wet stuff and there’s accidents everywhere around here.” Rude was trying to show respect to the young man and give him something to talk about. He could see the discomfort written on Cloud’s face.


Cloud stood gripping his fists. He didn’t know if his face was showing it. But the embarrassment of what the assumptions would be with him being here and what he and Reno had been doing… was really getting to him, on top of the need to run.


“So… it’s good you two decided to stick together. Two drunks don’t make a right. And it was nice of you to get him home by your bike Cloud. Or I’d have been called to get him. Thanks.” Rude lifted up his glasses and offered a rare smile.


“Ya know Rudy ole boy…” Reno went and wrapped an arm around the man’s neck. “Us two were simply two mangy mutts with tails between our legs last night. An us mangy mutts gotta stick together. Besides… I’m off work for two days… ‘member?” Reno stood back up and came to stand near Cloud. Suddenly wanting to feel his closeness.


Rude shifted from one foot to the other and looked at the florr for a minute not wanting to encroach on Reno’s privacy… but eventually he asked. “How ARE you holding up anyway? I’m really concerned about you…” He watched the red heads face go blank and turn away.


“I’m fine…” Was all that Reno said.


“Alright partner… well.. just remember you have these days off for a reason. Take it easy… ok?” Rude walked over to where Reno was still standing, turned with his face away. “Bye Bro…” Rude said quietly and affectionately patting Reno’s arm, before turning on his heels and waving to Cloud as he left.


Cloud didn’t know what was going on. He was still a mess from the emotional turbulence earlier. He felt warmed by being included by the two of them just then, but something was going on and he didn’t want to be the cause for Reno hurting, or pushing himself if something had happened to warrant required time off.


Cloud was internally panicking, he is not ready to be in this sort of a situation… he really wanted to get going… and showed it.


Reno pushed any other thoughts to the far back of his mind… he wished Rude hadn’t come… but at least wouldn’t have said anything to him to remind him… but this moment he had a very panicky looking Cloud that obviously wanted to be gone from his place right then. He was extremely disappointed. But he had no hold on the beautiful blond man… and had no reason or right to keep him there.


“I… Reno.. I’v enjoyed… but…” Cloud stammered and searched for the words.


“well yo… I have truly loved having you here Cloudo… I… I need to rest for a bit, and I’m sure you have things you have to do. I have these days off so I’m being a lazy bum.” He turned playfully to Cloud and gently brushed at his arm. He wanted to take the man in his arms and just hold him there. For Cloud’s sake…as well as his own. But if he didn’t give an opening for his newfound friend… he was sure to scare him away for good.


Cloud audibly sighed in relief, he could see that the sparkle in Reno’s eyes wasn’t as visible now. Something was making the vibrant man sad too. But right now he needed to get out of there. He felt like he was suffocating in his own breath. But… at the same time he didn’t want to say goodbye. Cloud looked down at his feet and rocked back a little. “Yeah…so… I’ll just be. I better go.” He couldn’t say goodbye.


Reno watched as Cloud was going to leave just like that. Neither of them brave enough to say goodbye or get any closer. But as the slightly more petite man walked past Reno into the doorway and turned to look back at Reno one more time, Reno bravely grabbed the man and wrapped him in a simple hug. He held him tightly wrapping his arms encompassing around his back so warmly. They both needed this.


Reno fought hard not to show the emotions he was feeling in his voice, but in a less than normal volume he shakily spoke to Cloud. “It’s ok to cry… If you ever need to talk… or simple want to… you know where I am now.” He tightened the embrace again and passed a whisper of a kiss to the man’s shoulder…most likely unfelt by him. “You can come back here you know… anytime..any reason..” he whispered and pulled away.


Cloud turned to leave. He couldn’t say thank you, and he couldn’t look Reno in the eyes. He simply nodded while facing away and headed quickly to the side of Reno’s house up the driveway where they must have parked his bike closer to the back of the house last night and jumped on, quickly turning Fenrir, he tore out of the driveway that led to the small piece of heaven he’d been allowed to feel.


Reno watched Cloud speed away. He felt such doubt. He wanted to say ‘see you soon,’ but he was so unsure if that’d be the case. He had a feeling in his gut that Cloud was so far out of his reach… Would he ever let anyone get close?


[End Chapter 2]