Viral Love

Bright sunlight against my eyelids awoke me. I groaned against the harsh light and heat, rolled to put my back to it. Once kneeling, I dared open my eyes. I saw Hojo first thing, since he sat a mere foot or two from me. He smiled with almost more bright cheeriness than the accused sun. “Sleeping Beauty awakes.”

I sat down, feeling disoriented. “We got out of the helicopter, obviously,” I said.

“Your doing,” he replied. “I’m glad you can fly. Even under threat of a falling death I don’t think I could have learned fast enough.”

All right, there was one piece of the puzzle. I’d transformed and flown us from the chopper. I looked out over the water and winced at the sun’s reflection. “Then, we’re between Midgar Continent and Upper Junon?”

“I guessed the same.” Hojo stood. “I hate to ask, but do you think you can sprout your wings and fly us somewhere else?” He crouched beside me, looking into my eyes. For a second I felt a blurring sensation in my mind, and his eyes suddenly overflowed with awe-filled lust. Then, I blinked, and thought I’d imagined it.

I could probably fly us out in an hour or so, and I told him that slowly. I felt very odd, almost outside myself yet so far inside that coming out to talk became a problem. It frightened me.

“What’s wrong?” Hojo put his hand under my jaw, tilting my head back. His eyes roved me quickly, examining my eyes with particular care. I felt better when he touched me, more grounded.

When he drew back, I grabbed his wrist. The mapping of his bones and beat of his pulse seemed far too familiar. I smelled blood everywhere. It had soaked this wet sand recently, mingling it’s essence with the salty brine. Hojo’s musk covered me, sandalwood, sweat and come.

“Valentine?” Hojo obligingly came closer again, but he vibrated with a delicious mix of admiration, fear and desire.

“I don’t feel right,” I rasped. “I’m either too far out or in.”

Hojo knelt, and I released him. But, I wanted to grab him again immediately. To stop, I dug my hands in the sand.

His bottomless black eyes held mine. “So beautiful in your pain, Valentine,” he murmured. “I see you lunging in there like a noble stag in quicksand.”

Oh god. I hadn’t heard that tone of voice from him in years. I might as well be back on his table. Shuddering, I closed my eyes. I should have never, ever let my guard down, or trusted him for even the smallest moment.

“It’s all right,” he said soothingly. “You’ll be fine. I think Chaos is pushing his way farther inside you. Is that what it feels like, maybe?” He straddled my legs and pushed me onto my back. “Lay still. It’s a mental battle, so physical effort will distract you. Believe me on that one.”

I sucked wind, feeling him crawl off of me. Yes, it did seem Chaos wanted to burrow deeper into my soul, but, it also didn’t. It felt like a strong part of me wanted recognition. “You did this, didn’t you?” I accused, anger flaring.

“If I did, it’s indirect,” he replied from right beside me. “Why do you never remember what you do while you’re Chaos?”

“Because he’s in control.” I threw an arm over my eyes. “Sometimes, if I ask and he feels generous, he’ll show me what we did.” What was he getting at? Could he do nothing on the up and up?

“We?” Hojo’s tone lilted leadingly.

I latched onto that. “Yes, we,” I insisted. “He’s not fully Chaos and I’m not fully Vincent Valentine. I’m a flesh prison to him.”

“Ah.” Hojo’s short response made me all ears. “Have you ever tried to see what he does without asking?”

“Yes, and failed,” I admitted. “Goddamn it, Hojo, if you’ve got explanations, give them over.” I wasn’t in a mood for cryptic questions and answers. Darkness coiled and uncoiled inside me, splitting and seeking homes in deeper crevasses. I felt waves of weakness and power alternating in my muscles.

“It’s just a theory,” he warned.

“Spit it out!”

“Well,” he said, sounding almost reluctant. “I’m not sure you haven’t always had your demons.” He coughed lightly. “It’s just that-.” He stopped. I heard him sharply inhale. “Oh, you beautiful, beautiful woman! You smart, clever, intelligent little scientific pioneer!”

Worry clawed at my heart. I sat up and glared at Hojo. “What? Just what?”

Hojo’s head slowly turned. The bright admiration for Lucrecia still shone in his eyes when he met my gaze. “She split your personality, Valentine,” he said softly. “She took all your inner demons, demons we all carry, and she gave them life. She strengthened you by letting your dominant personality, Vincent Valentine, have the control most of the time.”

It struck me like a blow to the gut. He spoke intuitively, but truly, combining my aspects, flaws and brilliance into a dazzling gem. I gaped at him, unable to speak or move.

“How did she do it?” Hojo asked the sky. “I have to know! If she’d done it to me, I might be able to get some work accomplished!”

He was right. Lucrecia had done this to me. Galian Beast, Death Gigas, Hellmasker and Chaos were all aspects of myself. They represented blind fury, impatience, determination and power. My last few transformations had relied entirely upon power, which was why I hadn’t used the other three.

It was all in my head. My demonic personalities were me and they had always been me. I was just as crazy as Hojo.

“Stop that.”

I snapped surprised eyes to Hojo, who sat beside me again. “I’m crazy,” I told him. “And I can’t even get any help with that.”

Hojo blinked rapidly twice. “Valentine, I’m going to go slowly and use small words, okay?” He touched my shoulder. “You aren’t crazy. This is not about your mental grip at all. This is about controlling emotional parts of yourself. You’re doing very well, you have to know that.”

I did do well with my demons. So, what had caused this new trouble, this swirling doubt and confusion? “Then, what caused this sudden epiphany?” I asked. “What’s different?” I knocked his hand off my shoulder. “It’s got something to do with you, Hojo, I know it!”

Hojo’s expression changed into affected blandness. “Oh yes, blame the mad scientist, blame Hojo,” he said tiredly, rolling his eyes.

His careful scorn set a fire in me. I dove upon him, pushing him into the sand and straddling him. “Damn it,” I seethed. “I know in my gut that this all centers around you!” I grabbed his shirt and hauled him closer to my face, feeling my blood teeth coming out. “It has to be you! No one else can cause me so much grief!”

“You’re right,” he said calmly. “It’s all my fault. All of it. Past, present, future, it’s all me.” He sat up, forcing me off of him. “Now, since you won’t be able to become your demon for awhile, help me figure a way off this island.”