CatMa

Disclaimer: I have no rights over The final Fantasy Characters nor is the script I based off mine either. The script used was acquired off the net from Movie script site.


Catma
By Sailor Poison
based off Dogma script

Chapter 2

Tifa is sitting in an IHOP with Cid and Silent Vincent. Tifa eats an creamcheese bagel as Cid and Silent Vincent watch her intently. Cid smiling with perverse anticipation. Tifa puts the bagel down and uses a napkin to wipe his mouth. Cid fidgets across from her.

Tifa, “Do you both live here?”

Cid, “ Damn.. I’m so hard it hurts.”

Tifa, “ Do you live in the city?”

Cid, “You have a friend? Cause if I have to share I get first dibs.”

Tifa, “ Please try to pretend you have manners. Where do you two come from?”

Cid, “We used to live in a small town in Jersey. Its so small, everyone knows who passed the gas.”

Tifa, “Why did you come to McHenry?”

Cid, “Hollywood.”

Tifa, “Hollywood?”

Cid, “You see we used to sell pot in front of Moovis rentals. Then one day, Mr Vampire wants to rent a movie. So we get Sixteen Candles. Ever watch it?”

Tifa, “ It is my favorite!”

Cid, “ Well, we rent The Breakfast Club. Only place to watch it is JC Penny. Then Weird Science where these two shit head make a girl. Damn shame nothing happened cause it was some PG movie. If I made it, it would had hell of alot of sex. Then we
Got Pretty in Pink. Because of this bitch, “ gestures to Silent Vincent, “ and we get kicked out of JC Penny.”

Tifa looks at Silent Vincent, “ What happened?”

Cid, “Remember that cute redhead gets together with her dream guy?” earns a nod, “ This vampiric pussy starts to crying like his cat was run over. I mean all loud and shit! The manager tells us to leave. I’m like ‘ Fuck you, ya damn jail bait! I’ll fuck you over so bad!’ and we got throw out.”

Tifa, “ How did this bring you here?”

Cid, “ Oh yeah... All these movies took place on some town called Shermer, Illinois. We thought, hey all this sweet pussy running around and only dweebs for competition! Well, not Judd Nelson. He just rules! Plus no one sells weed down here. We could be living phat! Now when we got here, we discover there is no Shermer Illinois. That was just movie bullshit! Someday we are gonna kick Hollywood’s ass, believe you me!”

Tifa, “That is why you live here?”

Cid, “ Hell no! This place sucks ass! That damn accent is getting on my nerves and it’s too fucking cold! We were about to hit the road, well till we met you.” As he kisses her hand.

Tifa pulls her hand back, “So when are you leaving?”

Cid, “ When your ready to go have some sex!”

Tifa, “ I mean, when are you going back to Jersey?”

Cid, “ Tomorrow... “ Looks at Silent Vincent, “This bitch is nosey!” looks back, “ We wanna go back and retire. Enjoy our salad years.”

Tifa, “ Oh... “ finishing her coffee off.

Cid, “ Yeah so do you take it anally? I wanna find out if chic fart when you blast them in the ass.”

Tifa, “ I’m not here to have sex.”

Cid, “We take oral!”

Tifa takes a deep breath, “ I want to go with you.”

Cid looks at Silent Vincent, “ I think she wanna be our girlfriend!” looks back, “ Okay, but you have to pay the rent.”

Tifa, “ No, I want to go to New Jersey with you.”

Cid, “ What? No chic I ever met wanted to get into Jersey! Most are too busy trying to get out!”

Tifa, “ So, when can we leave?”

Cid, “ Whoa! I thought we were gonna have sex!”

Tifa, “ I need you to lead me somewhere.”

Cid, “ Us? Lady, I am not some damn hero from a video wai waiting to whisk you away on my magic fucking plane.”

Tifa, “I was told that I would meet you. I didn’t believe it till you said something in the parking lot.”

Cid, “We only saved your ass and you promised us sex.” looks at Vincent, “ Didn’t she?” back to Tifa, “ Now you are saying you want us to take you somewhere.”

Tifa, “ Do you believe in god?”

Cid blinks, “ Damn.. Not another Jehovah’s witness! “ stands up, “ Lets get outta here, Vinny!”

Tifa, “ Wait!”

Cid steps back, “ Touch me and I scream rape!”

Tifa, “I’ll pay you.”

Cid sits down, “ Money? That is a chocobo of a different color.”

Tifa, “I just want you to be my guide. Not like you weren’t going there anyway. I’ll pay hundred dollars plus any expenses along the way.”

Cid to Silent Vincent, “I feel like I’m Locke and your Sabin leading the Terra on a quest. “ looks at Tifa, “ Can we still have sex?”

Tifa, “ Hell no.”

Cid, “What if we were gonna die and had only five minutes left, would you fuck us?”

Tifa, “ Not that anything near that is possible but.. maybe.”

Cid chuckles, “ You sexy slut. “ looks at Vincent, “ What ya think?”

Silent Vincent Shrugs.

Cid stands up, “Okay. But I get to drive.”

They are driving down road in Tifa’s car. The engine is racing unusually fast. Tifa can see they are going ninety-five.

Tifa, “ What gear are you in?”

Cid, “ This has gears?”

Not long after, the three stand around the car looking at the engine that was bellowing with smoke. Obviously the car was killed.

Cid, “Hey I never drove a car before! How was I suppose to know how to shift gears?”

Silent Vincent shrugs to Tifa who walks away disgusted.

Cid, “Chick are so damn confusing.”

Silent Vincent pulls out a tool from his jacket and the duo try to fix the car despite the damage done. A city bus drives past them. On this bus happened to be two angels Zack and Sephiroth.

Sephiroth, “We have to pass through these states to get to new Jersey.”

Zack, “ We need to stop in Cleveland!”

Sephiroth sighs, “ On yes... Then Return of the Angel of Death. That sounds like some Bad B movie.”

Zack snorts, “ Don’t start me. Those movies are so full of bullshit. Besides last time you criticized my job we were banished so shut hell up.” looks out a window, “Why didn’t we everve tve the state anyway?”

Sephiroth, “Because we might have been given a worse punishment.”

Zack, “Where could he have possible sent us?”

Sephiroth, “New Jersey”

Zack, “Ironic moment of the century!”

Sephiroth, “Are you sure about this Cait Sith thing? The world has changed. Rules are not the samy anymore. People eat pork. People even work on sundays.”

Zack, “ That is just little shit. The major sins never change. Believe you me, I can spot a real sinner any time of the day.”

Sephiroth rolls his eyes, “ If you say so.”

Zack, “ I’ll prove it!” looks around the buss and spots two people kissing, “ There he is one,”

Sephiroth, “ One what?”

Zack, “ He is committing adultery.”

Sephiroth, “How do you know?”

Zack, “ If you know better then me, fess up.”

Sephiroth, “ Oh I know, but do you?”

Zack, “You are testing me?”

Sephiroth shrugs.

Zack, “First off he is wearing a wedding band.”

Sephiroth, “ That d bed be his wife.”

Zack, “ No married man kissed like that. When you marry, you leave your passion at the alter. Talk shows prove that all the time.”

Sephiroth snorts.

Zack, “A man is using all his best moves when hunting a woman When he gets it, he stops trying. Then he discovers that the prize isn’t all that great.”

Sephiroth, “ Not a very romantic person are you?”

Zack, “What is romance? Old days people got married out of practical reasons. Love was invented by Hallmark and candy companies.”

Sephiroth, “And Lindt Chocolate.”

Zack, “Humans are so easy to misled. I once got the Adman in the garden to say to god ‘Thigh Master’. They will believe whatever you tell them. LIke those stupid John Hughes movies. Someone is gonna go looking for Shermer Illinois.”

Sephiroth, “ Not even humans can be that stupid. Okay back to this alleged adultery.”

Zack taps man on the shoulder, “ Excuse me?” man stops kissing, “Are you married?”

Setzer looks confused, “Why?”

Zack, “ Just asking.”

Setzer, “ Yes, I am.”

Sephiroth smiles as he watches the man resume kissing, “ Happy yet?”

Zack taps man in shoulder, “Are you married to her?”

Setzer, “No. Now leave me the hell alone!”

Zack looks at Sephiroth with a smug smile. Sephiroth just shakes his head. Zack calmly shoots Setzer in the head. This causes alot of screaming on the bus. The bus comes to a screeching halt as people soon flee off it. The two angels get off. Sephiroth glares at Zack.

Sephiroth, “ You are such a prick.”

Zack shrugs, “ You dared to test me.”

Dawn rises. Silent Vincent is still trying to bring back life to a car. Cid is offering his help as well. But despite it all, the car is dead. Tifa is quite upset.

Cid, “Shit... She’ll never fuck us now. Hmmm. well maybe you. Buy you have to tell me all the details!”

Tifa, “ Neither of you are fucking me!

Cid, “Not on the roadside we won’t.... “

Tifa, “I am sorry I even did this! What was I thinking? I am just going to go home.”

Cid looks in shock, “ You are leaving us?”

Tifa, “ Good work finding that girl in pink.” starts to walk down the road.

Cid, “Hey! You can’t go around breaking our heart like that! We’re both madly in love with you! Guys like us don’t come falling from the sky!”

How ironic as that is when a naked black man with beaded braids comes falling from the sky. His landing comes between two parties. All three just stare in shock as the man is laying face down on the road not moving. Tifa goes to check for a pulse.

Cid looks at the sky, “You know naked women don’t just come falling from the sky!” nothing happens. Looks to Silent Vincent, “ I had to try.”

Silent vincent nods understandingly. Tifa puts her ear to man;s chest and then sits up shaking her head.

Tifa, “ No pulse.”

Cod, “ Maybe he was trying nude sky diving and forgot his parachute?”

Tifa tries to give the man chest compression, “I would expect him to be more of a mess. “

Man, “ Not always.”

All three back away quickly. The man sits up and rubs his neck before he slowly stands up.

Cid, “ Its a zombie! Kill it!”

Man, “Thanks for the deja vu... “

Tifa, “ Christ are you okay?”

Man, “The name is Kiros.. and I am fine.“

Cid, “I tell you.. he is one of the evil undead!”

Kiros, “ I see your car is dead. Went ninety in first gear?”

Cid, “ Never you mind!”

Kiros, “ Look goldie-locks, I just crashed on the road and my head hurts. If you don’t calm down, I’ll neuter you.”

Cid looks at Silent Vincent, “ I told you! He wants to eat me fucking brains!”

Tifa, “ Wrong brains.” looks at Kiros, “Shouldn’t you get some clothing?”

Kiros looks at Silent Vincent, “Hey, tall, dark, and creepy.. How about you lend this brother your coat?”

Cid looks at Vincent, “Dude he fell out of the sky!”

Silent Vincent shrugs and hands Kiros his coat.

Cid, “Dude! His dick is gonna be touching the inside of your armor!”

Kiros, “I’ll do my best to control that, man!”

Silent Vincent nods, understandingly and then looks off to the side of road. He swears he hears something out there.

Tifa, “ Where did you fall from?”

Kiros, “ Some say grace.”

Cid, “Dude... He’s talking about ya momma!” But notices VIncent isn’t behind him.

Silent Vincent was too busy checking out the bushed on the side of the road. Something was there and his instincts told him it was evil.

Tifa, “Normally I wouldn’t be able to believe this but what I’ve been through, this fits like a glove.”

Kiros, “Believe me, you haven’t even seen all of crazy shit that normal people don’t know about.”

Silent Vincent looks closer at the bush. Suddenly a blitz ball comes flying out of bush ands smashing him in the face making the tall man fall backward. The three Turks come out into view. Elena and Rude go after Cid and Tifa. Kiros tackles Rude before he can get her. Cid manages to pull out a magazine of HoneyBee. He rolls it out and starts smacking Elena with it. Silent Vincent grabbed the ball and throes it back into Tseng’s stomach, winding him. Silent Vincent Hurries over and pile drives Elena in the throat before throwing her at Tseng. Tseng grabs Elena and jumps through a strange hole to escape.

The Turk wrestling with Kiros was slowly losing ground, Kiros throws him through the hole Tseng made. Then hole seals shut. Tifa, Cid and Silent Vincent look in shock at how the three Turks escaped.

Cid, “Okay.. what the hell is going on?! That is second time the Wonder triplets attacked her!”

Kiros, “Whoa.. I got here just in time then.”

Tifa, “ How can you be so calm when we could have died?”

Kiros, “ Just you die. I’m already dead. All I have to fear is decay and the odd necrophiliac.”

Cid, “ Told you he was a zombie.”

Kiros, “ I am not undead. Just Dead. You know Christ once told me secret to resurrection but I was drunk and I forgot it at that wedding in Canna. “

Tifa, “Whoa... You knew Jesus Christ?”

Kiros, “ We used to bathe together.”

Tifa, “ Are you an angel?”

Kiros, “ Naw... I’m a human. Just like you guys, “ looks at Cid, “ Well, maybe not like him. I have beead ead for two thousand years. Read this.” handing her ta little scroll.”

Cid, “ I knew he took drugs! “

Tifa, “ It is a scroll. “ Looks scroll over, “ What language is this?”

Kiros, “It’s Sanskrit. Says: Hey Kiros! See you in two years, Jesus. He told me when I was gonna die. Not exactly a cheery note. Listen, we have to get out of here before they send a meaner monster to eat us. Speaking of eating, mind if we stop somewhere?”

Tifa, “Whoa... I am a rational person. I just want to know where you and those freaks come from.”

Kiros, “ They are from hell. I am from heaven.” as he walks down the road, “ Lets get moving!”

Cid, “ We have to walk? That sucks!”

Kiros, “Back in the old days, we walked everywhere. That is why you never seen a fat apostle.”

Tifa looks to Cid and Silent Vincent for their opinion.

Cid, “ Hell, might as well get some grub!”

This the three follow the apostle down the road.


~ go to chp 3 ~