Absolution II: Redemption

Disclaimer: Seifer would be nice to have as a bodyguard, but he’s not real and he’s not mine. Neither is anyone else. They all belong to Square Enix. Not making any money from this, I’m just developing my skills as a writer and getting relief from my inner demons.

WARNINGS: Mild violence, lots of angst.

People don't know about the things I say and do
They don't understand ‘bout the shit that I've been through
It's been so long since I've been home
I've been gone, I've been gone for way too long
Maybe I forgot all the things I miss
Oh somehow I know there's more to life than this
~ Kid Rock – Only God Knows Why
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Well, it looks like I was right about one thing. Squall is a kinky little pretty boy. He let me tie his wrists with his belt, fuck him hard, bite him, and, most surprisingly, he let me take total control of the situation. Just the way I like it.

Before I can close my eyes and start fantasizing, though, Dr. Kadowaki walks back in and drops a small pile on the foot of the bed. A quick glance tells me that they’re my clothes. Good, now I won’t have to wear these pieces of shit any more.

“Since you’re obviously doing well enough to bite Squall’s shoulder – though I won’t ask exactly how that happened – I think you can get up and walk around Garden,” she tells me while holding what looks like some weird bracelet.

“This is a monitoring device. The only two conditions Cid has placed on staying here are that you don’t carry a weapon and that you wear this on your ankle so we can be alerted if you leave Garden grounds.”

What the fuck?! I thought Squall told me I wasn’t wanted for anything. If that’s the case, why are they putting those limits on what I can carry and where I can go? Fucking bastards. I don’t want to be treated like some common criminal.

It’s almost like she can read my mind, because Doc looks at me directly. For some reason, she’s never been scared to look me in the eyes. “It’s for your safety, not everyone else’s. There are people, even some Garden students, that would enjoy seeing you suffer, Seifer. I know you don’t like it, but the other alternative is giving you a constant escort. You can talk to the Headmaster in a few days, when he and Edea get back from a little trip they’re on.”

Fine, whatever. Though if someone else killed me, I wouldn’t have to do it myself. I still don’t see the point in being alive. I nod at her, allow the monitor to be put on my ankle, walk into the bathroom, and change. Damn, it feels good to have real clothes on again.

I walk out into the main hall and just let myself look around before actually walking. It doesn’t seem like anything’s really changed at all. Squall became a SeeD, the world nearly ended, and yet there’s still the same bench near the Training Center with my initials carved in the side. I did that with my first pocketknife. Couldn’t have been more than nine or ten at the time.

And on that note, Zell walks out of the Training Center and freezes when he sees me.

“How’s it going, Dincht?” I ask while smirking down at him a little. Ain’t callin’ him “Chickie” because I’m gonna try to apologize for the first thing I did that really fucked up someone’s life.

His hands ball into fists and I watch his stance shift into one I’ve seen a few too many times. Zell’s moving into self-defense mode because he’s scared of me. That kinda makes me laugh to myself because I know that I’m not going to be doing a damned thing to him today. Don’t need to end up feeling even worse about myself than I already do.

There’s nobody else in the immediate area, so I take a couple steps closer, look down at him, draw in a slow breath, and choose my words strangely carefully. Well, carefully for me at least.

“Ain’t the same Seifer that fucked up his chances at making SeeD, I ain’t the same Seifer that chose to follow his dream, and I sure as hell ain’t the same Seifer that raped you in the locker room, Zell. Always gonna be a sadistic bastard, but I know I’ll never be that person again. I’m sorry for fuckin’ you up like that.”

Zell’s gloved fist connects with my nose a moment later.

I can almost hear it breaking. Can definitely feel it, too. Warm, sticky blood gushes from between my fingers and it’s possible to hear the hatred in his words.

“You were a sick fuck, you are a sick fuck, and you’re always gonna be a sick fuck. Nobody could ever change that much. If Squall had let you die, I would’ve cheered at the news.” He spits at me before walking away.

I hurt in more ways than one right now. My nose fucking hurts because it was busted, but the bigger blow wasn’t physical. I made an honest effort to apologize and tell him that I’m not the person I used to be, but he just ignored me. Did you really think it would be that easy? He’s right. Squall should have just left me for dead. Then I wouldn’t be here, hating every bit of it and wishing for what nearly happened.

Although it hurts to pinch my nose and stop the bleeding, I do it while sitting on the closest bench. There’s blood on my clothes and leather gloves, but they’ve looked a lot worse in the past and they’ll probably look worse in the future. My head’s down so that nobody walking by can see the tears on my face. I, the “heartless bastard” Seifer Almasy, am crying.

Time passes, the blood dries, and I can hear the occasional whisper of my name as students pass me by. Nobody cares enough to talk to me, though. Wouldn’t have expected them to, anyway.

As I’m about to head back to the Infirmary and find some way of killing myself, like a scalpel or a whole lot of pills, a hand rests on my shoulder. Instinct tells me to grab it and find out who in the hell is touching me, so I do that and glare right up into a worried, scarred face.

“Zell told me that he punched you, but Dr. Kadowaki said you hadn’t been there to have anything done for your nose,” Squall states flatly. Yep, now he’s back to the familiar monotone. I can deal with that.

I don’t say anything, just stay sitting there. Why does he fucking care about my nose anyway? It’s sore, but that’ll go away soon enough.

He’s not leaving me alone. Crazy fucker. It’s like he wants me to go nuts and hurt him. “Leave me alone, Squall. I don’t need anything for my nose. And why in the hell do you keep trying to butt in when I just want to be left alone?”

Next thing I know, I’m being grabbed by the jacket and staring directly into his eyes. And I’ve pushed his buttons again. Damn, I’m already back in full form with him. It’s always fun to get Squall mad.

“What the fuck is wrong with you, Almasy?” he nearly growls. “I save your life, bring you back here because I thought this of all places was where you might feel you belong, and you act like being able to breathe is a crime.”

I backhand him to get him away from me and just glare. There’s no way in hell he could understand. Guess I’ll have to try and make him understand. “Your sorceress is still alive, Squall. You can’t even imagine what it feels like to have that part of you ripped away by her dying. And you're the one who killed her. Did what you were told to do. But I followed my heart.”

He wipes blood from his split lip and matches my angry look with one of his own. “She brainwashed you, manipulated you so you thought you were following your dream. How else do you explain suddenly going from the lunatic we saw threatening to kill Deling in Timber to the perfectly obedient little lapdog in Deling City? You never liked following orders from anyone else.”

Hyne, I’m glad I’m not armed, or else there’d be at least one more scar on that pretty face. “I didn’t have a reason to follow orders before. She gave me the chance to do what I’ve been dreaming of since before I had hair on my balls. You just fell into the job of being Rinoa’s knight. I chose my path willingly.” Lucky little Leonhart, never having to choose a damned thing. Everything just happens to him.

And then I get slapped – hard. What is this, National Pick on Seifer Day or something?

“You might be able to talk to other people like that, Seifer. But I know you better than that. You’re powerful, determined, and driven to be whatever big thing you can think of being. Even if you really were her knight and not her puppet, you wouldn’t have been content with just following orders. You would’ve wanted more.

“But go on, believe whatever the hell you want. Disappear again, leave me without the person that pressured me to get better and better instead of being satisfied with natural skill. Not everyone hates you. Can you wrap your one-track mind around that?”

I’m not even going to comment on the fact that’s he’s speaking in sentences instead of words now. Just gonna resist the urge to punch his face in and walk away. I don’t need him tearing apart every little thing I believe in, everything that I’ve been telling myself for months. How would he feel if someone did that to him, huh? I already feel like something’s missing and I didn’t need that.

Nobody deservess to have their beliefs torn apart, especially when those beliefs are all that gives at least something resembling a happy thought. You could always think about what happened in the Infirmary earlier. I don’t want to think about Squall. He’s the reason I feel like this. Was doing no worse than usual until he came around.

Been one long, messed up day. Suppose I better go lie down somewhere since I’m tired. And my dorm’s probably been given to someone else, so I walk back to the infirmary. Doc’s there. Means no way I can find a way of killing myself tonight. I lie down on the bed and roll onto my side, but sleep refuses to come. Too much on my mind for me to sleep.
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A/N: I must give credit to seishi_no_tenshi_duo for being the one to give me all the reasons for believing that Seifer was brainwashed or at least temporarily insane while he was serving Ultimecia. This fic wouldn’t be going the same without it. I’d planned on having more sex, but the muses said it wouldn’t seem right. Guess I have a slightly cliched insomnia relief chapter coming up next.

And as for the chapter title deal, you get two clues. First, the author is British. Secondly, you’re better off searching for the answer in the children’s section. Remember, email calliopepurple@gmail.com when you think you know.

Review responses (and many thanks for all the love!):

Havi – The threat of J coming over dressed like that is truly disturbing. You’re the first person I ever RPed Seifer with, so you’ll have some idea of how this might go. Don’t spoil it for everyone else. And Reno can borrow Irvine whenever he wants.

Tsubasa No Koe – What made you think Squall was about to say something before he left? I hadn’t intended for it to seem like that. But if he were going to comment, it probably would have just been something like, “Fuck you.”

Iron Dog – I just have a very fragile ego. I’m scared nobody likes this stuff. Gonna continue at the muses’ pace, but I have faith I’ll like how it goes.

Evildemoncat – Glad you like my writing. I hope people don’t hate the extreme Seifer abuse in this chapter.

Rissie – You and an MSN buddy have both commented to liking my style. I’m not sure what’s so great about it, but it comes naturally and I’ll stick to it because it’s fun to get inside Seifer’s head.

LadyCaos – Sudden, pointless sex can be fun to write. This chapter was a pain in the ass and I’m sorry I didn’t get to more smut.