A Year with a Psycho, Vampire and Co.

I don’t want to offend anybody with a statement I’m going to make in the story. I don’t condone suicide but this line that my friend once told me struck me as humorous and I’m going to use it (he tried to commit suicide before I knew him – now he laughs about it). Why? Because Squall is like that in this story: slightly off and he’s pissed/annoyed/agitated/fed up/loathing Rinoa. This is still in Irvine’s POV.

Squall (the Psycho) and Rinoa (the Bitch)


Ah, well that is a day to remember ya’ll: the day Squall finally got rid of Rinoa, that pompous bitch he went out with for a year. Only Hyne knows why he stayed with her because FUCK! She was annoying. If I had to hear her whiny voice talk about how sore she was, or how tired she was, or how hungry and if Squall would get something for her to eat all the way across the damn town, I would have to kill myself or her. Most likely her because I was and still loving Vincent and Vincent’s sweet ass.

ANYWAYS...all this break up business started about five months after we all moved in together.

Squall, by himself and his boys (his roommates and Vincent, was sane and completely normal. But when Rinoa was around, or hell, when someone mentions her name, his eyes darkened to midnight blue and he would start twitching uncontrollably. I mean, Squall looked like he was having a small seizure; that’s how bad she was.

Sometimes when she was around, I would’ve liked to shove her head into a wall, but Vincent wouldn’t allow me, fortunately for her. Though I am going to say that there are times I saw him grabbing at his holster to pull out his gun and shoot her. Let me tell you: I wouldn’t have stopped him.

Zell and Seifer weren’t around enough to witness her in all her gaudy glory, lucky them. Actually Zell did once and almost admitted he was gay; I should have invited her back around just to get a confession but I didn’t want to torture myself more than necessary.

Well, the day the soon became the Rinoa Drop-Kick Day, Squall had been planning meticulously for at least three months, or since the last time he tried to break up with her. See, this is the third attempt for Squall to rid himself of the leech known as Rinoa. See, he tried the normal approaches for breaking up with your girlfriend. They were performed well and the any normal soon to be ex would start crying or just leave silently or hell, scream and yell. But not this bitch, Hyne damn it. Let me paint the picture for you:

Rinoa and Squall were sitting on the sofa, Rinoa clinging to Squall as if she weren’t attached to him, she would die or something. The only reason I know what happened was because Vincent and I were eating in the kitchen and I was eavesdropping. I knew that was his plan for this evening. Dump Rinoa, be happy.

They were having a cup of tea in silence, or rather, Squall was silent and Rinoa was running her mouth like she had diarrhea of the mouth. She never shut up until Squall said, “Will you shut THE FUCK UP for once?!”

She looked at Squall as if he had no right to talk to her like that. Oh, I forgot, she can be dense too. “What do you mean, Squally?”

Squall twitched hard enough to bite his tongue (he showed me later) at the stupidity of the question. I thought ‘will you shut the fuck up’ was pretty damn straight forward, but clearly, she didn’t get it.

“I mean, Rinoa, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do us anymore.” Squall resumed his normal quiet tone as if he was almost sorry for breaking up with her.

“What? Are you breaking up with me?” Dense I say, fucking dense.

“No Rinoa, I’m asking if you would marry me. YES! I’m breaking up with you.”

“What? Why? Did I do something wrong?” Then the tears came. “Please don’t do this to me. I have no friends. I left them because I wanted to be with you. I love you, Squally.” I could practically hear him gagging on the love part. If love meant waiting on her like you were her personal servant, then she loved him too much.

“You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s me, not you.” Famous last words.

“Oooooooh Squall!” she wailed, throwing her arms around his neck. “It’s not you. I’m sure you’re just tired and that’s why you’re having these crazy thoughts. You should just lie down and go to sleep. You’re worn out. You study too much.”

I could hear Squall cussing under his breath, knowing that this time he had failed. That night, she put him into bed, and sang him songs to put him to sleep; in all actuality, he was cringing at her completely tone deaf singing. Somewhere around two or three in the morning, she left. I saw her leave when I was looking through Vincent’s bedroom window.

Unfortunately, Squall didn’t have another chance to break up with her until about two weeks later. He had to scheme to get this to work out for him.

He set it up to make her upset with him enough to leave him. So he put on one hell of a theatric.

He had Seifer be his accomplice in this. Vinny and I sat in the kitchen watching strategically around the cabinets. Rinoa was sitting on the couch as she usually does, waiting for Squall. Squall stormed into the living room with his gunblade in his hand, looking mighty fierce. The man was scary looking: he had messed up his hair, ripped his shirt, he was bleeding from some deep gashes on his stomach and arms, and he was breathing raggedly.

“MOTHER FUCKING SON OF A BITCH!” He shouted at the top of his lungs. In the next instant, Seifer was swinging open the door, gunblade in hand, looking about as bad as Squall, if not more: he didn’t even have his shirt and was severely bruised all over his neck and chest. To me, I could tell it was some sort of costume makeup. I just sat there and tried as hard as I could not to laugh out loud.

“What the hell is wrong with you Leonhart?! Why can’t you just clean up after yourself in the kitchen? Is it too much to put your cup in the dishwasher; that’s why the fuck we have it! You fucking prick! You ruined my day with this shit, and now you’ve destroyed my favorite shirt.” They’re really good actors because Rinoa was scared shitless. She was cowering on the couch, biting her fingernails nervously. I’d be nervous too, being between two crazy looking guys with large blades in their hands, waving them freely.

Squall points his gunblade at Seifer and says in the most deadly tone he could come up with, “I’ll kill you.” And with that, he rushed towards Seifer, gunblade raised, poised over his head in attack. He jumped onto the couch, and planted a foot right beside Rinoa’s head. He pushed off with that same foot and literally flew towards Seifer, slicing through the air and across Seifer’s chest. Blood sprays from the open wound, but its nothing fatal. Seifer fell to the ground in a bloody heap on floor, twitching slightly.

Squall stood from his crouched landing position, looking at the blood on his blade. For added effect to the ‘carnage’, he stared directly into her eyes and licked the blood off. To any normal person, he would look fucked up and maybe on drugs, but to Vincent and I, he looked pretty damn sexy.

He eyes were wide as he head and then her expression turned to one of compassion and love, to Squall’s horror of course. “SQUAAAAAAAAAALLL!”

“...fuck.” I heard him say to himself as she pounced on him. He was NEVER going to get rid of her.

“That mean old bastard attacked you over a cup, didn’t he? He deserved to die.” She cooed at the bloody man.

“Get. The Fuck. Off of me. Now.” Squall ripped himself from her death-grip and pointed the gunblade at himself point blank. “Can you not see what happened, Rinoa? I just killed my best friend in the world over a cup. I’m crazy. I’m a lunatic. Give me a straight jacket. I...I...I’m going to kill myself.” He says with wide eyes, acting the part very well. “I can’t stand it any longer, I’m miserable.” He’s good at adding affect because when he said he was miserable, he let a tear trickle down his cheek as he partially squeezed the trigger.

“NO SQUALL! Don’t do it! If you do it, I’ll kill myself. I couldn’t live without you in my life.” She pleaded with all the gusto she had. Seeing as he didn’t really want to kill himself or have her killing herself he relented and dropped the gunblade and ended up in counseling for a month. Everyday for a month. Man was he pissed!

Apparently during that month, he planned the third and final breakup, planning it for a very special day, their anniversary. Thus the day known as Rinoa’s Drop-kick Day came to be.

First, let me tell you what Zell and I did. We wanted to see the fireworks of this drop-kick; we setup a webcam in the living room, hidden in a small houseplant we bought just for the occasion. We didn’t want to miss any of this; we knew it was going to be good. Seifer, Zell, Vincent and I actually watched the main event on my computer as it happened.

Squall had bought several nice presents for the bitch: an mp3 player, a new laptop, digital camera, and other various toys he liked himself. Actually those were incentive presents for him so he wouldn’t be hesitant in finishing the job later in the evening.

He had set up the living room in a sort of bistro fashion, trying to make it as romantic as possible: candles, a rose on the table and three small boxes wrapped in blood red paper. He turned on some quiet music and put on his best leather pants and a tight black shirt, making him into a rather sexy beast if I may say.

Well, when Rinoa came into the house, he was leaning against the couch, looking handsome and dashing. He guided her over to the chair in front of the small boxes.

“EH?! Are these for me? You’re so sweet!” She squealed, nearly killing our ears in the process.

“Whatever...” He sat across the table from her with an eerie smile on his face. He said for her to open the first box. As she opened the first box, we could all see she was getting excited, but for what? A chewed piece of bubblegum.

“Squall? What is this?” She asked in a wary voice, not even hiding the disappointment.

“I’m glad you liked it. Hurry, open the next one.” He went back to smiling eerily. She looked at him and smiled nervously, not really wanting to open the next ‘surprise’. If I had been in her shoes, I wouldn’t want to open the next ‘present’.

She slowly unwrapped the next box and found a piece of crumpled paper in there. She looked like she was starting to get angry that there was nothing worthwhile in the boxes. She didn’t even open the paper before she threw it down on the table.

“I’m glad you like that one too. Next...”

Squall was really creepy like this but I didn’t have time to think about that because that was when it got good – the last box.

Rinoa frowned as she opened the last box. She found a small razor blade with a note attached. It read:

Dear Rinoa,

Maybe you’ll get it this time you trifling bitch. I’m sick and tired of your bullshit. You treat me like trash and like I’m your personal slave. You once said that if you couldn’t be with me, you’d kill yourself. Well here’s a razor because we’re through. Go fuck yourself.

I hate you,
SL

From the monitor, her face went through two different emotions: first, sadness, and second, anger.

Seeing as she didn’t get the full meaning of what was on the paper, which looked vaguely like a kidnapper’s ransom note, he leaned forward, smile gone and said with a deep growl, “Get out.” She sucked in an angry breath, gritting her teeth together in anger and resentment.

“You are such a...a...jerk.” She flung herself out of her chair and made a beeline through the door.

As she exited, Squall goes for one last stab in the metaphorical heart of the relationship.

“Remember, it’s down the highway, not across the tracks.”

We could hear her screaming down the street, yelling curses and other various things about Squall being gay and depressed. Squall merely chuckled as he sat back in his chair. He hadn’t even prepared dinner for them.

We all congratulated him on a job well done, high-fiving as if it were a sports game our team just won. Since that day, Squall has been seen with a small smirk on his face whenever he passed by her old sorority house.

Oh yeah, she left. I don’t know if she killed herself, but she didn’t stay at B-Garden. She left the next day in fact. A tiny rumor had spread about how Squall was slightly crazy the day she left, but a bigger rumor about her trying to kill Squall because he didn’t want to marry her, overshadowed the crazy Squall rumor, crushing it in its baby stage.

And that was the Rinoa drop-Kick Day. Next time I’ll have to tell you how Zell figured out he was gay and what roll my baby Vincent had in it. Until next time, later.

...TBC...

AN: Let me explain the Psycho, Vampire thing. Squall is the psycho because he does stuff that is reserved for people who like straight jackets. He’s very strange. And the vampire is Vincent, which I’ll explain in the next chapter.

Please R and R, please! I need reviews. No flames.

Thank you to those who have already reviewed. I appreciate it.