Death 101

Shit, I’m gonna kill her. Screw the bad buy and his stupidly long sword. I’m gonna find her and kill her. I’ll push her off a cliff, or into oncoming traffic.

No, To easy.

I turn my back for a minute. A MOTHER FUCKING MINUTE! She’s so fucking dead. I’m pacing now, and the grass beneath my boots are paying the price. I thought a hippie would be hard to loss. Especially a bright pink one.

Again I have to prove myself wrong.

I look around the playground once more, which is pretty much the same way I left it. Well minus the hell spawn and her crush. I could try her house again but right now rational thought is beyond me. She is so dead. When I find her I’ll hang her by her hair. No wait, I’ll set her on fire.

“Yeah, fire.”

With that resolved I stop and walk over to the swings. When in a playground you have to play on the swings. Its a law. I’ve always liked swings. Find them calming. Soon I’m off the ground and acting like a 5 year old. I hear myself giggle and slow down. I can’t believe I just fucking giggled.

Now that my inner moron has been satisfied I can think clearly. From what I remember you have to save Aeris from somewhere. There better not be stairs. I fucking hate stairs.

By now I know better then to believe myself.

I climb out of the swing and pat the seat goodbye. I start walking. I keep walking. After an hour I realise I’m more or less where I started. I repress the urge to kick something to death and pat my jacket for my smokes.

“Score.”

Funny how the smallest things make everything better. I watch the smoke rise into the air and see the weirdest building I’ve seen in my entire life. So far the city has been weird, but recognisable. Almost pretty if your into bizarre urban landscapes, but this fucking monstrosity looks like it came out of one of those horror movies. I know that if I want to find the flower licking imp I’ll have to climb all the way to the top.

“I should have fuckin' stayed in bed.”

Grumbling aside I suppose things could be worse. I could be that guy over there with the stupid red hair. Doesn’t he know red and blue clash? He looks pretty familiar, and then of course it hits me. Not after I make an ass of myself by staring at him for a few minutes.

“Well, fuck me.”

I skip over to Rudolph, pleased that no one can see me. Actually that’s been happening a lot since I’ve been here. I think being invisible is going to my head. I might even skip all the way up to Aeris. She would die from shock a lot faster then being set on fire. If not I can do both.

“Lead me to Santa.”

He ignores me of course, not that I really thought otherwise. He’s leaning against a wall and I can tell his suit has seen better days. I can’t help but notice his hair. Only here can hair defy gravity. I think i might try it out sometime. Something rings and he swears.

“Reno.”

He’s smirking now and starts walking. I stop myself from skipping and watch his long hair sway behind him. It takes a very confident guy to think he can pull off a bright red mullet. Or arrogant.

“Have you bagged the bird yet?”

I think I love him. So much so that I want to poke his scarred cheeks. Then maybe gouge out his pretty green eyes with a wacky straw. Where did that come from? Eh, might as well have a little fun.

“Take me to you leader.”

“What‘s in it for me”

“Cookies, and maybe a strap on.”

“Your gonna have at do better then that.”

“Don‘t knock it till you’ve tried it.”

“I‘ll be there in an hour.”

I follow him, and he leads me to the centre of the city. Not after stopping in a few bars first, and hitting on everything with breasts. Cocky bastard. When we finally get there, Rudolph is greeted by a blond in impressive heels and a big guy in shades. Like a bouncer but all muscle. I think I’ll name him Prancer.

“What took you so long?”

She strikes me as a Dasher.

“Lets see, where to start?”

Yes, Dasher would do nicely.

“Actually, I really don’t want to know.”

He slings his arm over her and end up with an elbow in his stomach. I like her.

I leave the three stooges and wonder off into the building. It can’t be that big can it? One hallways leads to another and I already hate this place. It’s too clean. No trash anywhere. I love trash. Nice and dirty,

I finally find the elevator, after ignoring the stairs I’ve passed 5 times. I look at the buttons waiting for one to tell me to push it but it doesn’t happen. I close my eyes and push a few. Yeah, that was the master plan alright. Pushing some fucking buttons and see where I end up. I rock back and forth on my feet in time with the surprisingly cheerful elevator music.

Yeah, I’m so fucking cool it hurts.

The metal box that I’m currently rocking in stops and the doors open. The music changes, for the worst I might add. I know I should know his name, but I don’t. They all had weird names anyways. He’s tall. Really fucking tall and decked out in leather. He’s got the longest hair I’ve ever seen on a guy. If that wasn’t enough its silver. Its kinda neat, not that I would ever admit it. If that wasn’t kinky enough he’s got a sword on him like you wouldn’t believe. He steps in after glaring at the air.

With all the leather, he could be in a member of cradle of Filth .

Well, without the make up, and the peircings. Not to mention the headbaging and english accent. OK so maybe not Cradle of Flith. I'm pretty sure they wear shits too. Why isn’t he wearing a shirt? Not that I’m complaining or nothing. It’s just weird. Why a leather trench and no shirt? He turns his head and glares at me some more. Fuck his eyes are strange.

“What you looking at?”

He doesn’t reply and watches the doors close. He’s hot, but so is every guy I‘ve some across so far. Maybe it’s a requirement or something. He’s glaring at me again. Or well, in my general direction.

“If you keep that up your face my stay like that.”

He quirks an eyebrow and looks forward. I don’t like the way he looks in my direction. Why can the coral coot see me anyways? I really should have paid more attention to the game. No, I made fun of all the stupid names in the manual and insist that my brother give them normal names.

What have I learnt so far?

Guys with silver hair should always wear leather. Crazy red mullets are not cool no matter how much the wearer thinks other wise. Magical reindeers can join the FBI. During thunderstorms don’t run through a field with a metal ‘kill me’ sign on your back.. Not everyone can juggle. My brother has no imagination what so ever. Sandwich’s are the bane of humanity.

It was a fucking good sandwich though.

The elevator stopped again and the doors opened. I man with glasses and a labcoat entered. I don’t like him. He's way too clean.

“Good evening Sephiroth.”

“Hojo.”

See what I mean about the stupid names?

Soon enough the doors opened again. Pookie exits, not before glaring at me again. He’s kinda freaky, in a dominatrix kinda way.

Wouldn’t say no though.

I figure I should follow Dr. Frankenstein. Whenever there’s a guy in a lab coat a good time is ensured. I skip after him, a little disturbed by my own good mood. We pass through some large metal doors and we enter a lab. He wonders over a steel table muttering something about a Chocobo, Jenova and an omelette.

Speaking of Jenova, I walk over to the vault like monstrosity on the other side of the lab with ‘Jenova’ written on it and peer in. You can’t see much, but its enough to see that it’s a head. A head that is rather familiar in the most fucked up way I can imagine.

“Enough of that.”

I tried not to sound freaked out, but I guess it didn’t work. Oh well. After looking round the room, in all his cages and bottles, I can honestly say this Hojo fucker is the most vile human being I’ve ever had the displeasure of skipping after. Usually a little gore doesn't bother me. Ok, alot of gore.

Who am i kidding? I love gore. However, not when it involves innocent creatures who im fairly certain haven't hurt anyone. And to be completly honest, this fucker is sick. I find some stairs and decide that its better to ascend the evil things then stay in the same room as the sadistic bastard before i puke all over the way to white floor.

I fucking hate stairs. One flight is enough to last me a month. I push open a door and enter another lab. I like this one, not a sadistic fucker in sight. Awe Crap. Thought too soon.

“Jack! Where have you been? I was worried.”

I crack my knuckles and walk over to her. Whatever remained of my good mood vanishes. Come to think of it I’m kinda bi-polar aren’t I? Anyways, I’m about to all Darth Vader on her ass cause the dark side is so fucking where I’m at..

BANG.

Umm how did I get on the floor? She’s laughing at me again. This is becoming a habit isn’t it?

“Jack, you should really learn to look where your going.”

Well no shit! I shake my head and scoot up against the glass that seemed to beat the dark side out of me, for the time being. I turn my head and look her over, making sure they didn’t like cut her legs off or nothing. Not that I care or anything. There’s a big pile of red fur a few feet away.

“Whatcha got there?”

“Oh this is Nanaki.”

It rolles over, legs going up in the air. That has to be the weirdest dog I’ve ever seen. Is it even a dog? It’s the fucking size on a lion, with flame at the tip of his tail. No, wait, it’s a dog. You can tell by the way it moves its legs in its sleep, occasionally barking like its chasing a cat. In its case a fucking huge cat.

Is that an eye patch?

Ok, this is the coolest fucking dog that’s ever existed. I watch as the crazed bohemian scratches the dogs belly, causing one leg to kick wildly. I slouch against the glass and light up a smoke.

“You wouldn’t believe what you missed.”

“I‘m not really that interested.”

“There was a pimp, and Cloud in a dress.”

“I‘m listening”

I really do miss all the best stuff. I listened intently as she explained there little cross dressing escapade. She then went on to explain all the other members of her little beatnik group. Helpful, if not a little biased. It's coming back though, well all the main characters anyways. And by main I mean the ones that didn’t piss me off.

“Are you even listening to me?”

Damn it.

“Yeah.”

“What did I just say then.“

“Do I look like a parrot?”

“Prove me wrong.”

“It’s a waste of time.”

“Your Dead.”

“Your point being?”

“You have all the time in the world.”

“Doesn’t mean I should waste it.”

And she’ stumped. She should have known better. I can bullshit with the best of them.

“Aren’t you gonna get me out?

“Nope.”

“Your just going to sit there and watch Hojo mutilate me?”

Like i would do that. Well if she keeps this up...

“More or less, yes.”

“That’s horrible.”

“That’s life.”

Ahh silence.

“Please Jack!”

Oh she’s gonna die! Her already high pitched voice changes to a shrill whine.

“Please.”

I will gut her, then hang her by her own intentions, and impale her heart on a chopstick.

“Please Jack.”

Then set her alight and watch the little crackpot burn.

“Goldie will show up sooner or later.”

“His name is Cloud”

“Talking to yourself is one of the first signs of mania.”

Just like that, I’m saved. God bless huge red dogs.