A Heart Filled With Darkness

CHAPTER THREE:



The pips that dotted the ceiling kept blurring together into an image of Rinoa in the throes of an orgasm. Squall tried squeezing his eyes shut but the blackness behind them had the same effect.; He couldn't extract the image from his mind, couldn't stop it from replaying behind his eyes. It was permanently burned there. His memories were haunting him, the memories of his time spent with Rinoa. He could try to lose himself in another, but she would be there stalking him, just out of sight, waiting to ambush him once again, to jump up and shout in his face You're in love with your sister! You lust after her! You'd have sex with her again if you could!



It was more than he could deal with. After Rinoa left, his dreams had been plagued by her. Over and over, every night, they'd made love in his mind. He'd clutch her naked body to him as their hips pumped together. And she'd whisper in his ear, over and over, "I'm your sister... I'm your sister... Oh yes!!! I'm your sister!!!" He'd wake up just as they were orgasming together. He'd wake up sticky and sweaty, messy from his own semen. There was one time he'd woken up before reaching an orgasm and he'd masturbated thinking about her, disgusted with himself but unable to stop. He wondered if he were sick, if he actually enjoyed that fact that she was his sister.



Eventually the dreams had stopped. But the guilt remained. And now he'd hurt Quistis. He'd ran out without even explaining himself. Would she ever talk to him again? He doubted it. The look on her face as he'd left, trying hard not to see her, not to look at her confused, sad expression. She'd called after him, but he didn't look back, didn't even slow down. He heard her sobbing as her door whisked closed.



Pain. All his life ever caused was pain. Pain to himself and pain to all those around him. He'd closed himself off from everyone for so long, hoping he could keep from causing, and experiencing, more pain. But it hadn't worked. He didn't try to make friends; they were almost pushed on him. Yet, even while he tried to distance himself, he'd only found himself closer to them, more vulnerable. He'd simply stopped fighting then and let them in. But the curse hadn't gone. It was only biding its time, waiting until he was most vulnerable.



Well, that was it. He couldn't escape it. But he refused to hurt anyone else ever again. If he was cursed and there was nothing he could do to stop these horrible circumstances that kept plaguing him, then... he'd have to stop it the only way he could. He walked into the living room of his apartment, his head down. He knew what he had to do. He had to put an end to it.



The glass reflected Squall's face back at him as he reached for the handle to pull open the door. The display case was his favorite piece of furniture, sleek wood and glass that gleamed, the perfect way to show off his hobby. It housed his collection of weapons. He pulled the door open and reached in, his hand clutching the handle of a short dagger.



And just then a robotic voice reverberated throughout his apartment. "Quistis Trepe!" it announced. Squall considered ignoring her. But she banged on the door, begging him to let her in. And if he didn't, she might find a way in on her own. She might find him as he lay in the bathtub, his life seeping out of him. She might revive him. He couldn't deal with that. He decided he'd have to talk to her just to get rid of her.



"Open," he commanded, and the door slid open, revealing her sad frame standing there.



"What do you want," he asked her, standing in front of her to bar her entrance.



"Can I come in?"



He sighed, but moved out of her way, allowing her passage into his apartment.



"Squall..." She reached out to touch his face but he moved away, and so she sunk down onto the couch instead. "What happened?"



"... I don't want to talk about it."



"You'll hurt me worse if you don't tell me."



How did she know his fears so well? "I... I looked down at your face and... I saw Rinoa instead."



"I understand."



"... I wish you wouldn't say that."



"It was just too soon!"



"I don't think so."



"So... what, you're just never going to be with someone again?"



"How can I?"



"You're just not over her yet."



He turned away from her. "I doubt I ever will be."



She grabbed his arm, pulled on it until he turned back around to face her again. "You will, Squall. You will. You just have to let yourself get over her. You're still punishing yourself."



"I can't help that. I can't stop it. I've tried. Nothing seems to work."



"You can't force it. It has to happen naturally."



"... Isn't that what we were trying to do tonight? Force it?"



She sighed. "I guess so. I just... just thought it would help."



"You don't owe me an apology. I owe you one."



"No, it was just... too much too fast... too soon."



"... I'm cursed."



"What?"



"... Nothing."



"You're not cursed."



"Then why does this stuff keep happening to me?!"



"It's just life..."



"No one's life is like this."



"Lots of people have a worse life than you."



"... The misery of others doesn't make me feel any better."



"So you're cursed and you're just going to avoid people and avoid anything that might cause pain?"



"Why not?"



"Look, hon, it's like this with everyone. You open up and you feel good and you're happy and then something happens and you feel bad. You can't feel happiness without pain. Life isn't easy. But that's no reason to shun happiness just so you won't get hurt. You have to take the bad with the good."



"I know. But I can't just be that selfish. I'm not the only one being hurt, after all."



She looked down at her feet. "The happiness… the pleasure… is worth the pain. It's worth being hurt to experience the rest of it."



Squall had to stop and think about that. His time with Rinoa had been so wonderful, so filled with joy--he'd never been happier--but was it worth the pain he was experiencing now? That was such a difficult question to answer. If he could go back in time and ask himself that while he was still with Rinoa, his past self would certainly have said that it was. But now he could only remember that time in the abstract. He could no longer experience the happiness or feel the joy. His memories were all tinged with regret, colored with shame, tinted with sadness. He could derive no pleasure from them now.



"Maybe you're right. I just wish… I wish my love life didn't have to be so complicated. All I want is to… to protect my loved ones from pain and hurt. I don't want to cause it to them. There's no point to having a lover if I'm just going to hurt them eventually."



"But Squall… you hurt people by shutting them out too. And there's always the inevitable pain that others will feel when they love you and want to be with you, but you turn them down or don't even acknowledge their feelings for you."



"Are you speaking from experience?"



"It's not just me… At least you noticed my feelings for you."



"… Who?" But just as he asked that question, Squall realized the answer.



"Irvine."



Of course he'd noticed the way Irvine had looked at him. But Squall had chosen to ignore it, to chalk it up to admiration. He'd actually convinced himself that Irvine simply looked up to him, even though Squall could tell that there was more to Irvine's stare than admiration, more emotion behind those crystal clear eyes. And why would Irvine look so embarrassed if he was only admiring Squall as a younger brother would to his older brother? Why would he turn his head so quickly? Why would he blush so deeply? And then another memory, much older, began to tease its way into Squall's mind. He had the corner of it, but he had to struggle to pull it into the light. And before he could, Quistis started talking again.



"I know you saw the way he always looked at you. All of us saw it, and we say you ignoring it as well. Didn't you ever see how hurt he was when he'd try to flirt with you and you'd just shoot him down with an off-hand remark? And… he told me about the time at the lake."



That wasn't the memory that he'd been struggling to recall, but remembering it brought a smile to his face. He'd completely forgotten about that! During their long journey to defeat the witch, they'd all had to camp outside on several occasions, though usually not for more than a day, since they were always close enough to a town that they could stay at an inn instead. There had been a few times, though, when a town was more than a day's journey away. So usually if they had to camp outdoors, they'd be able to get a hot shower afterwards, just a little later in the day. But there was one time when they'd been far out in the wilderness and had had to camp outside for three days, which meant that they had to take turns bathing in a nearby lake--Rinoa, Quistis and Selphie first, then Squall, Zell and Irvine.



"Irvine couldn't keep his eyes off of me. I remember… I'd just woken up with an erection, and it hadn't gone down completely yet…"



Quistis smiled, glad she'd brought up this memory as it seemed to make Squall happy to remember it. And of course she was enjoying it as well, recalling the way Irvine had described the scene:



Dawn had past half an hour earlier and the sun was creeping up slowly, slunk low over the horizon. Its soft yellow beams played through the leaves of the trees surrounding the lake, making the waters glitter gold and orange. Each of them--Squall, Zell and himself--had a bar of soap with a piece of cord attached, the cord tied around their wrists so they wouldn't lose the soap in the depths of the lake. Squall scooped up water that resembled gold coins and rained it down upon his naked body. How could Irvine resist watching such a perfect, beautiful man as he bathed himself in the water like that? Squall slowly stroked his hands up and down across his broad, youthful chest, using the soap to lather himself up. He, Irvine, stood mesmerized, watching Squall, picturing himself as the bar of soap, his naked body being rubbed up and down against Squall's bare, beautiful chest. He had, without realizing it, lathered up his hands with his own bar of soap. He slowly smeared the lather against his chest, his fingertips catching his hard nipples between them, giving each nipple a sharp little tweak before his hands trailed further down. He caressed his smooth, flat stomach as he watched Squall, who had moved his own hands down to his genitals, cupping and caressing his balls with one hand as he softly rubbed the palm of his other hand along the shaft of his semi-erect cock. A smile flickered across his face, Irvine saw, and his eye was turned to watch Irvine watching him. And, Irvine realized, he had been masturbating while he watched Squall. He looked down upon himself in shock and embarrassment, as he saw the way his left hand cupped his balls, the palm below them, his thumb over top, so that he could tug lightly on them, and his right hand curled into a fist as he pumped it up and down along his swollen erection. Before he could stop himself, a spasm of pleasure jolted through his body, and his penis jerked in his hand, a long stream of semen spurting out of the head, flying through the air to land in the water with a soft plop. His face turned as red as his erection had just been, though this reddening was from embarrassment rather than pleasure. He dove into the cool water to escape Squall's smirking stare, eventually swimming away to the shore. He got dressed with his back to the lake and then ran into the forest, away from Squall. When Squall and Zell returned from the lake, Squall said nothing to Irvine about the incident, and Irvine didn't bring it up. But he stopped staring at Squall, his eyes not even able to meet those of the man he had been, and still was, in love with.