Remembrances

I never meant to catch your eyes, beautiful as they are. If I said I meant to, it’s a lie. You should know. I think I did nothing to catch your eye but walk through the door. Perhaps it was walking down that pathway that did it. I felt eyes before I even walked through the door and I know it wasn’t anyone else. There was no one else around. Not that day.

If it was all an accident, why wasn’t it a mistake? Maybe it was. Or perhaps it was a set up. You know the company. It may as well have been. Perhaps it was you all along and you never told me. I could never be sure. I have my own ideas, but they only count for part. Why that place, why then, why you? But then again, does it even matter? Not really, not any longer. Unless it does in your eyes and in your heart and in your mind. Then it just might.

I had wanted to be alone. I was angry and alone. My anger was so violent but so precisely held in check. Nearly pristine with care. I didn’t want your eyes or your gaze. I did not want your attention, as comforting as it was. I wanted Rachel back. And he was gone. Lost to the depths of nameless numbers lost disappeared to suits.

I wanted to think of a way to bypass those orders, to find a loophole somewhere. But there was none. They always see to that. Unless one of us died, we would not see the other until they saw us as fit. And I was miserable. I didn’t want you near me. You never did seem to care about anything like that though, now did you? You saw and you went. And you always aimed to get your goals regardless of what they were.

Your newest target seemed to be me, since the moment I was there. I know I never stood a chance. But the question is, did I want to stand a chance? I honestly don’t know. Beyond the wreckage made by a lost childhood and an ill begotten life, past the catastrophes set in motion by a horrid, greedy, power mongering company, there was you. After all of that mess, no matter what it was and how it came to be, you were there.

I wanted to remain loyal. I always did. To so many things. To stay so true. It is in my nature. It is part of who I am, despite everything that has happened, or maybe because of it. I don’t know, but it really doesn’t matter. Not any more. The fact still remains. And it tore me. To so many pieces.

I never understood completely how to do it right. But eventually it all fell away. I just knew. Because of them I would never see him again. My loyalty to him could remain true no matter what I did, if I held it in my heart. And I never did see Rachel again. I don’t even know what happened to him. But you took complete advantage of my failing defenses before I had even realized what I had done. You were there.

And with your coming, there was so many things. Truths, realizations, coincidences, I don’t know on some of them, but they were. Most should not have been. Coercion or not. The beginning is only the foundation for that which comes later. And you used that to your advantage as well. Later I would come to your side willingly, wherever that may have been. And eventually it was your bed to which you led me so patiently.

I don’t know what to think any more. But it really doesn’t make a difference. The things that have happened, happened. If there was reason or rhyme so be it. But no matter what, I know it always comes back to you. It has to; it always does. But oh, the beautiful things that you create, not even I can deny that. I do not think I would ever want to.