Perfectly Flawed

Gulit - My Child



Cloud’s eyes were covered in a glossy layer; the stinging in his chest and eyes daring for the glistening shield of tears to fall. He felt he didn’t deserve to cry; they made the decision. It was for the best; of all parties…. Wasn’t it? The pounding in his ears and the harsh tearing of ragged breaths making past his shaking lips told a different story. There was no denying that in all logic it ‘was’ the correct decision; right or wrong, but the pained feeling radiating throughout his being screamed in agony at the cruel nature of it all.



Nothing in particular had brought forth the sudden surge of raw emotion. There was no trigger; no warning and this happened often. Out of the blue Cloud would find his thoughts drifting over what they had done; what they had chosen to do.



Alone in the house curled his bed Cloud broke the comfortable silence of the room, “I refuse…to be like…her…” The sentence came in a harsh, distasteful whisper. The words seeming to hover in the stale air over his head as they repeated in his mind; not like her… not like mother… Cloud shifted in the bed slightly; the first movement he had made for what seemed like hours. He reflected on his own words as they danced through his mind dully.



His mother was young and naïve; she was still selfish and it didn’t matter how much she cared for her children. Desires of the heart and desires of the body are both powerful but the funny thing is, Cloud had come to realize, the body tends to win most of the time. We are weak beings; Cloud mused. Physical desire held a power over our mentalities. Our minds are tricked from sensible actions and common sense. Why? Because we crave… Because we desire… Because we need to feel; lust, passion, pain… all these emotions are starved for the physical. Our logic is completely disregarded and we give in. She had given in…, Cloud’s hands tightened into fist as they clenched at the blankets around him. She had given in to it all; and he refused to follow her path. His face twisted. He wondered how she had managed to look at her children before running off to numb herself with drugs and fulfill her desires. How could she hold them and say she loved them even though she would selfishly leave them with the most unbecoming children as babysitters while she went with her friends to the bar. Cloud would have laughed sinisterly at his next thought but it was choked back by a defeated sob; He felt a strange tugging at his heart as he remembered how she cradled the pills before she swallowed them. She held them more delicately than her own kids. They were her salvation; they were her escape. Cloud smiled bitterly; and they were her priority for so long….



No. He couldn’t be like her; would never be like her. He would never be so selfish. He wouldn't treat his children with the same disregard that she had. It was common for him just to take off or tell her he was leaving and she would say next to nothing. It didn't matter what Cloud had said. He could have told her that he was going to jump into a cage with hungary lions with chunks of raw meat to his back and she was just far to incoherant to notice or care.



He would never wish his life on anyone. He sighed, he didn’t have the worst life; that he knew. But that didn’t matter to him. So what if others had it worse? Sure he felt bad for them but honestly, Cloud was Cloud, not the poor starving child on the television. And hearing that he could’ve been worse off didn’t heal the emotional scars that marred his flesh. It didn’t change the fact that his father struggled and fought just to provide him and his brother a decent living. It didn’t change the fact that his mother bounced from apartment to apartment skipping out on bills and drowning herself in countless bottles of prescription pills. It couldn’t tear the memories of his beaten mother or raging father; wouldn’t dissipate the smoky haze clouding his mothers eyes; couldn’t take away all the years Cloud fought to hold his family together trying to take care of his mother and brother; couldn’t mend the bitter words shot out like venom through his mother to his father and vice versa; it would ‘never’ take any of that away.



Cloud buried his head farther into his pillow as slow beading tears made their way down his face soaking into the cotton fabric. Of course it wouldn’t have been the same situations or events; but the fear was still there. It wasn’t that he thought he was weak enough to give into what his mother had; or afraid of having to work as hard as his father did. He just wanted to provide something better, something stable and normal; he didn’t want to struggle and raise a child in the type of environment he had grown up in. He didn’t want to stare into his child’s eyes and say everything’s fine than drown himself in booze or pills or worse. He wanted a home; a stable income; all in arm’s reach of course. He didn’t need a mansion or a fancy BMW; truth be told he was still only 18 and living with his girlfriends sister and brother in law and their child at the time. What kind of life is that for a child? The familiar gut wrenching feeling of a knife twisted and he whimpered he did what he thought was right… Not right… He knew such a terrible thing could never be completely just.



A large burst of air left his lungs as he struggled to take a breath. He remembered Tifa as she came home from his doctor’s visit. It other wise was any routine day; he relaxed playing video games after a long day at work. Tifa would come home they would eat with the rest of the family. After he would play with his niece until the little girl was tuckered out and ready for sleep; which Clouded smiled softly wouldn’t usually take very long. The girl was not blood related but in Cloud’s eyes blood hadn’t mattered. He would even dare say that Tifa’s niece was closer to his own child than a distant niece. His smile was ripped from his face completely at the thought as his mind shifted back onto topic. Tifa had sat down on the bed holding a few sheets of paper grasped tightly in her balled up fist. She hadn’t said anything; she couldn’t; she simply kept her gaze on the floor and struggled to carry a small tormented smile. Cloud had inquired as to why she was so upset but she had said nothing. When Cloud took in a closer look at her stressed features he noticed the girl’s eyes were red and puffy and every muscle visible to the eye was tense. He didn’t need to see that what wasn’t visible was tense; her body was square and the feeling of her tenseness radiated from her. All she could do was slowly pushing the papers to Cloud’s hands as they shook. Cloud took the papers and watched Tifa’s unsteady hands before his eyes finally settled over the paper. A barely audible, ‘I’m sorry’ were the only words that passed her lips. Cloud went to look up in question but Tifa took the opportunity to shove her index to point out the key sentence on the page. Cloud’s eyes dropped to the sentence and his heart all but froze in his chest. His body became still and ridged; his breathing stopping all at once. His eyes remained over that one sentence for what felt like an eternity for the young couple. And finally Tifa could take no more of the silent reaction of her beloved and she quickly brought her hands to cover her face as tears sprung from her eyes. Her chest seemed to be caving in with her short unsteady breaths; as she tried desperately to breathe. Cloud reacted slowly drawing Tifa into his arms holding her tightly in his grasp. He soothed her as he pet her long hair whispering that it would be okay even though he knew it wouldn’t be. He tried to be strong for her but he couldn’t hide the tears that washed down his own cheeks. Cloud tried to reason with her; he wasn’t positive of his words but he knew he needed to speak of their options. Tifa was pregnant… Now what? The question plagued him; what should they do. They would be able to provide a decent living at least, they would receive help no doubt and he was sure they could make it work. Cloud even went as far as trying to decipher how they could financially overcome the situation. But his thoughts were interrupted as she spoke softly against his neck, “Cloud… we’re too young…We can’t…it’s too soon….”



Cloud’s eyes went wide as he realized what Tifa was really saying; what she had said without saying rather, “A-An……” Cloud couldn’t find it in his vocabulary at the moment; he couldn’t speak the foul word. Thinking of it made his tongue go dry and feel like a mouthful of sand. She repeated herself; Cloud wasn’t sure if she was trying to convince him or reassure herself, “It’s just too soon…”



Cloud went to speak in protest but the words wouldn’t form themselves. His heart felt heavy and his stomach felt like it was in knots. He could feel the tension of his stomach wanting to spew bile and expel it from his system. But instead he held her; motionless and heart broken as she continued, “If…If we had… Cloud we live with my sister… We work at minimum wage jobs; we can’t offer anything…”



The words strummed a painfully string in his heart and he recalled his own childhood. She was right; they were young and they didn’t have much to offer. Cloud frowned; they could offer love and compassion… but… was that enough? To Tifa that didn’t seem to be the case. And in Cloud’s mind he felt like the love he could give his child would make up for material items without a doubt, but did he really want his child to feel as trapped as he did? He could struggle to make a good living but that would sacrifice the time he would have just like it had with his father. Did he really want that? He knew he wanted nothing more than to carry his baby in his arms but the harsh reality of things set upon him. Was it selfish to want the baby? Was it selfish to want to have that child and make him or her to grow up like Cloud had?



Cloud tensed in his bed and sobbed as he drew his legs closer to his chest; was it selfish to want the child or was it selfish to allow that child to go? Were they both selfish decisions? Cloud’s mind stretched over a vast array of questions swimming through his mind.



Almost a year….. Cloud sighed as his trembling continued and his heart ached even more. He wondered what his child might have looked like; what he or she would’ve accomplished by now. Would his young love be crawling or saying their first words? Would he or she be smiling and cooing as she/he swatted at his spiked blonde locks. Would it have his eyes or Tifa’s? Tifa would often try and make light of the conversation joking on about how the world wasn’t ready for such a beautiful child. I wondered how she could joke about such things; it seemed almost inhuman in nature. The words settled uncomfortably in his mind as she spoke them and he couldn’t help but feel a sting in his eyes. He sighed deeply he remembered how Tifa spoke of the day she went to the clinic. How awkward and uncomfortable she felt. How the eyes focused on her as if she was the devil himself made her shrink. The most bothersome to her, as she had said, was the looks of pity she received. She didn’t want to use the suction method; instead she had to take two pills. One to stop the pregnancy; the other to release the embryo from her womb…. The thought in itself scared Cloud but she didn’t seem to react in the same way. Instead she reacted with a low burning flame of anger. She told Cloud about the doctor handing her the small blue pill as she stared at it as it sat in the palm of her hand trying to fully digest what she was about to do. She quickly dismissed her thoughts and swallowed the pill quickly washing it down with a small cup of water given to her. She told Cloud that her heart ached but the pain in her chest turned into a burning sensation as she looked to her mother who was sitting next to her the entire time. The look of pity and sorrow in her mother’s eyes enraged her. She didn’t want to be felt sorry for. This was her doing and she was fully aware of what she had just done. She didn’t need her mother’s eyes to remind her or make her feel any worse than she already had.



Cloud had memorized the look; he had received it so many times from her mother. It broke his heart and he felt the anger build in his chest just as Tifa’s did. They comprehended what they had done; what they felt they had to do at the time. No one needed to look at them as if they were dumb struck lost and naïve children. Especially not Cloud. The pain would never subside he knew that. There wouldn’t be a day that he didn’t see his niece and longed to see his own child. His tears fell from his eyes as he accepted the pain. The lingering question continuing to float in his mind; what is right?