Scandal

~*Part 4*~

No. Seifer didn’t die, or something drastic like that.

He left. Quistis left. They both left Esthar to go home to Galbadia garden two days later. No warning, no letter, no clue. I didn’t know till I woke up one morning, and both Seifer and Quistis were gone.

I woke up that cloudy, gloomy morning, and went down to breakfast to find that they were missing. I didn’t ask why they weren’t there, or when they had left, and no one offered an explanation. I didn’t speak, let alone ask. Still, I managed to get the gist of it. They left the previous night, right after I had gone into hiding. I could assume from there on that Seifer had taken my advice, and left me. I was basically a lost cause. No one could save me, or help me.

Fine. I could deal with that. I thI thought.

Well, the others soon followed their example. Raijin and Zell had a mission to complete for Laguna. Laguna and Kiros had a meeting in Deling City to attend. Ellone had promised to see Selphie, and wouldn’t be back for a few days.

They all invited me to join them, but I got the idea. None of them wanted me, they were tired of my moping. So I declined, and quickly went on with my business while they went on with theirs. I wasn’t going to fall apart yet. If they were tired of me, then I was tired of them.

At least I got what I wanted.

Again, I got what I wanted, but like a child, I didn’t want it anymore. I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t want to be ignored. I wanted to talk; I wanted to be helped. I wanted to be pestered. I wanted them all back. I wanted them back here, with me.

I wanted to be loved.

God. I am 5 years old, aren’t I?

So far everyone, excluding the servants, who only came when I called (which I hadn’t) or during meals, had been gone for two days. I was all alone in a huge palace with every room you could possibly dream of; with every possible form of entertainment that could be bought at the mt (et (except prostitutes for sexual favours), and I was bored stiff.

At first, the silence was great. I could do what I wanted and I didn’t have to worry about someone leaning over my shoulder, asking if I needed something. I mean, if I’m reading, or otherwise preoccupied, why the hell would I need anything when I hadn’t asked for it? You could guess my response.

‘Ya, to be left alone.’

I don’t know how many times I said that, but it didn’t discourage anyone. Well, no one but Seifer. It was the first and only time I said it to him and what did he do? He started a trend! First he left, dragging his wife with him and of course Raijin, who is still close friends with Seifer, soon followed, taking his lover and my good friend Zell with him. Then Laguna decided that he had some business to attend to and Kiros had to go with him, and then Ellone feels the need to jump off the boat as well.

Seriously!!!

Ya think they were trying to make a point, eh?

Well, they’ve made it. Loud and clear. I know it now. I was being selfish, uncaring, and basically a cold bastard. And once again everyone left because of my imperfections. Abandoned me again because of my mistakes and idiocy.

I always wanted to be perfect. I think I did achieve perfection at periods during my life. My calculated, almost robotic - that was how Quistis described it - actions were without any thought. I simply moved in what was the mandatory way. I simply did what I was supposed to do, without questioning it, or wondering why.

I think that was what drove Seifer insane while we grew up.
Somewhere along the way, I figured out that I was abandoned all the time because I wasn’t perfect. No one wanted me because I didn’t do what I was supposed to do. I was too complicated, too stupid, too annoying, too loud, too thoughtful, too . . . whatever. Just simply not perfect.

So I thrived for the ultimate perfection. That not even those things we consider ‘human faults’ would be in my weakness category. I didn’t tolerate any imperfections, I became like a machine. Life didn’t matter. Only the mission did. I was a soldier. I wasn’t allowed to have faults, because of those who depended on me. I refused to be weak, and I would do only what was expected of me.

All that hard work went to waste; I never actually achieved that perfection, because subconsciously (more often than not) I longed for human touch. Just to be loved for who I was. An unconditional love, which I never truly had. I never grew up with a mother’s love, let alone a father’s, but I had something else. Something like a sibling’s love, but so much more.

The ‘Orphanage Gang’ like Selphie liked to call us. We were siblings, best friends, worst enemies, and lovers all at the same time. Not when we were young of course, but now we see all the roles that we played in each other’s and our own lives. Each and every one of us played a part in the other’s lives and no matter the hurt we might have caused each other, the wrongs we might have committed against each other; deep in our hearts we knew that we’’d always be there for one another, no matter what. That we’d always love each other.

Like Seifer…… I hated him, but I loved him in a way that I can’t fully understand. I didn’t understand it till I started to become his friend. That was when I realized that I loved each and every one of them, including him, to a different degree.

They were my family.

Still, I was abandoned again. I knew that they would return, but it didn’t dull the ache, the pain of the fact that they had to get away from me. Wanted to get away from me. Just wanted to disappear; to leave me to my own devices, which could be a bad thing.

Well, maybe not that bad.

I’m currently sitting in the sunroom, even though there is no sun on this cloudy, unforgiving day and drinking a shot of whiskey. I didn’t look at the brand when I pulled ut out of the cupboard - it was alcohol. Do I need to say anymore?

Typical, I suppose. The first place any normal person goes to dwell on their sorrows. I wonder why I didn’t think of it before. It’s nice. Just enough to take away the stress that’s eating at me, but not enough to let me forget my problems, so I can still wallow in all my self pity, anger, and other faults.

I’m not sure if I can continue like this –– with this absence of everything. I really don’t have anything to do. I mean, there are books to read, movies to watch, places to see, a pool to swim in, and other forms of entertainment, but there nothing constructive to do. Nothing that will have some sort of gain to it.

I can’t help, but sigh. There is nothing constructive to do here, other than wait for the time to pass. Especially when you are alone. Not even a Training Center to kick some monster’s ass . . .

Wait.

There is an outside, Leonhart. Monster do live outside, and you can easily go upstairs, pull our your gunblade that never leaves your side, and go for a little stroll outside around the wonderful city of Esthar . . .

Duh!

Maybe the booze is getting to me a little more than I like.

So with that, I got out of my seat and force the spinning to go away. I’m not that drunk, for Christ’s sake! I just had . . . oh don’t remember how much! That doesn’t matter. I can just work off the alcohol on a few pointless monsters. Sweat it out.

After fetching my gunblade, I made my way out of the city, and to the barren fields that surround Esthar. I can still remember that red glow that the sand used to have during the Lunar Cry. It was eerie, and even now when I look at the sand, I still see the red even though it’s its normal purple, beige, and grey colour.

I wandered around aimlessly, looking for a victim - monster, same thing, though I am out of practice. It’s hard to get out of the office once you become someone fairly important like the Headmaster. I have no idea how Cid Kramer did it.

Also, I haven’t had any real challenges. After the war, nothing seemed to be that great of a challenge. T-Rexaurs, which were feared by many, were like child’s play when we returned. We had become too good and confident in our own abilities after we returned form our adventure. We needed new challenges, and found them outside of the battlefield.

I’m talking about the life a lot of us avoided.
I was bored, until Seifer returned. We didn’t fight like the rivals we were when he returned, but we fought like friendly rivals (if there is such a thing), or at least weren’t as bloodthirsty as we seemed during our years in class. Almost in good-natured fun.

I guess that’s another reason I let myself sort of wither away. I had no point to fight other than for myself. No Seifer to mock my latest laziness. No worries about him coming to challenge me, cruelly or just for fun, and have him beat me. It was a matter of pride then. We both refused to be second best. I didn’t tolerate imperfections, and Seifer questioned my faults by challenging me. I wasn’t going to admit to faults, nor be second best.

Neither was he.

While considering this, I battled some low-level monsters that had turned up. Not taking a whole lot out of me, but warming me up, and making me a tad dizzy. I refused to use a Cure for the small amounts of wounds that I carried. It simply wasn’t worth it –– not till I went back, at least. Just a waste of magic.

Just then an Elnoyle turned up.

I wasn’t frightened, even though the thing was pretty large, and I could tell, even though I was quite disoriented and the thing was at a fairly high level. Something that I probably shouldn’t have attempted to fight in my condition, or I should have at least Scanned it before I even considered fighting it. Especially half drunk (maybe more, but I wouldn’t admit it), and out of practice.

However, my pride wouldn’t let me turn around, and run like wuss. So there were many factors against me at the moment, and I was alone. Having others beside you helps in battle, but they had left me. I could do it without them. I have before, and I could continue. I refused to be weak.

So the fight began.

At first, I found myself enjoying the battle. I stuck to mostly physical attacks, and cast Aura on myself. Using my Limit Break Renzokuken while it used it’s own physical attacks with its Toil Needle. It seemed to enjoy that battle as much as I did. Like we both had finally found a worthy opponent.

I could feel Shiva shifting in my mind. Reminding me that she was there, and I knew she wanted to fight. There was also an uneasiness, like she was almost demanding me to call her, while she nudged at me with insistence. She knew that Elnoyle was strong, and intelligent, but I believed that I could win without her.

She’s wasn’t at all comforted by my confidence.

Still, I didn’t call her, but I started to use more magic. Ultima, Blizzaga and other strong magic, and it seemed to like this, and attacked me with stronger magic. It seemed that the monster was much smarter than I would have liked to believe.

Ignoring the bad feeling in my gut and Shiva’s persistence, I continued to battle the creature. Finding that I had to use a Cure to heal some wounds that were becoming unbearable. Adrenalin was pumping as fast as the blood was through my veins. I began to realize that I had missed this. I needed the action, but I was still rusty.

I was yet to realize that Elnoyle had backed me up slowly as we fought. Slowly, but surely it had back me closer and closer to the stone-walls that separated Esthar from the forest and it was now only a few feet from my back. I didn’t notice till I was thrown back by a powerful spell.

I absently thought that I had been right to think the thing was at a high level. I was thrown back into the wall of rocks by the magic of Quake. My neck snapped back letting my head crack against the rocky surface, and I felt the sharp rocks cut into the back of my skull as a dull ache began to form there. Flashes of light and stars started to glitter in my vision.

Before I could begin to recover or even think of retaliation, it spreads its wings as it physically attacked me, causing my body to crash brutally into the cold stone. I gasped in pain as the rock dugs painfully into my back, and scratched me on my bare arms and though the thin material of my shirt. I slumped down against the wall, panting for breath as I tried to gather all the energy that I had left. I was pushing it before, but those two attacks took a lot out of me. I now knew that the last chance I had had, I should have used a Cura, or maybe even have called Shiva.

Cursing my pride and overconfidence, I hardly saw the flame of Firaga till it was upon me. That was the last thing I saw as I was thrown back against the rock with such force that my herashrashed again on the boulder surface, and I crumpled to the ground unconscious. The darkness filling my vision, and senses.

It certainly was not my best fight.


~*TBC*~