Remembrances

You’re always in my head. You always were, you still are. Was it some sort of mental conditioning that you did? Honestly. Or did I deserve it, to feel this way. To see you nearly every time I close my eyes. To feel you so close. To know you were just there. Not moments ago but decades. But it’s new as freshly spilled blood in my mind. You always are, and that never changes.

I can see you there, so close. But does it ever matter? I don’t even know anymore. I don’t know much, and I will be the first to tell you. Admittedly. I do not mind. I can’t understand. Do I want these images in my head or do I want them gone? So burned, ingrained behind my eyes like bittersweet profanity. But you, you never could do wrong. Only in the eyes of everyone else. We all have our faults, my dearest.

It was summer. I remember that because there was a damp humidity that clung to the air. It was so odd, the evenings in that town. Night was something that seemed to never come. It was almost rapturous on its own. The lights would glare from so many places, and that is saying something as it was a small town in the foothills of the mountain. But there was this time, it was so perfect.

The night would seemingly be always imminent, leaving a bluish tint to the sky. It was just light enough then. Just dark enough, too. The lights would never come on in those times. It was then that the world could be seen in all its majesty. Just like you.

I remember you standing out on the small overhang. It wasn’t quite a balcony, and there really isn’t a name for it. But it was there, and you were standing, serenely watching sky as it turned to pale, dark shades of blue, painting the sky in black. A velvet cover. It was near your room, but it didn’t matter. I would have followed you through that place. All it took was your smile. And proffered hand.

The soft glint in your eyes, you knew I was lost. It didn’t matter why. You would show me the way. Yet again. The way to an outcome of some inner battle which you must have seen me fighting. I fought so many. Which one was it that was so plain in my eyes? Or was it visible in my actions, or perhaps lack of them? I do not know. You saw something, and took me down with you.

But your beauty in the fading light is like nothing there is to compare. Except perhaps candle light. The soft glint in your eyes never left. Not once. You had your reasons and purposes, but I didn’t care. You could make me feel as if I were not living death. You took time enough to elicit those responses from me. Not many have ever taken time for me. And that will always make you shine so much more beautifully in my mind. Elegant grace.

I remember so vividly so many things. The look of you in the night, the soft gentle candle light. I remember your tender sigh and your ever teasing caress. You have done so much and so little. Lured me in, and sometimes I wonder why. Or what it was for. Whatever could you have seen in me unless I was just a new face; was that enough? All that, to simply return to the hazy memory of your stilling touch.