Mutation

Have you ever felt as though time is standing still around you? That things are slowing down steadily and all you can do is watch? Have you ever felt like this, only to then realize that it's not the world that is slowing down, but you?

That is how I feel these days, watching the world go be as though time has no meaning for me.

I am still myself, and yet gradually am becoming something more. They worry about me. I can sense it, but only when they are close.

They think I might die from this, and perhaps, before the incident, I would have. True I will have scars from that night for years to come. But at the same time, I am grateful for it.

I can feel my blood changing inside me; mutating to something more. At times it feels as though my blood is on fire, burning me from the inside out. It makes me want to scream, curling up in a little ball and just die from it. Luckily, that pain never lasts more then a few days at a time.

The days in between leave me feeling tingly, quick to catch gooseflesh. As though every nerve ending it waiting with alert anticipation for the next loving caress. It's almost like being in a constant state, of those few precious and intimate moments that arise only when you have spent the night with your heart's desire, proving your love to each other.

I think I am going through what the others warned me of. I could either die from this, or become one like my beloved is.

It is taking a long time though to change or die.

I can feel how nervous my love grows each passing day. Not knowing whether it'll be my last or the final day of this mutation. He is careful with me, and what we do together. It's gradual samples of his DNA that are the cause of this.

Kadaj explained all of this to me at the time that Yazuu and I first became involved. At the time it did bring up some concern; but truthfully, I didn't care that much. All I knew was that I had finally been given the chance to be with the one I had thought about from afar. I didn't care at the time if it would kill me sooner or not; just as long as I could be with Yazuu.

I knew I was starting to change before the incident. It was only minor then. My strength increasing, my senses slightly improved. I could feel even then that my blood was tingling.

Then the incident happened, when Kadaj raped me. He left me broken and beaten, slipping into a coma.

I thought I would hate him for it, that I would never be able to forgive him for it. But when I was finally brought home from the hospital by Yazuu, and my memories restored, I remembered a few things.

It took a while to piece them together, since they were fuzzy and choppy images. After Kadaj was finished with me, I could faintly sense his regret. I didn't pay much attention to it at the time, for obvious reasons. But since then I have had time to reflect.

Not only did I sense regret, but guilt as well. I remember drifting in and out of consciousness, and one time seeing tears in his eyes as he was carrying me. He left me in the emergency room of the hospital, and that is when I blacked out.

As I said, I thought I would hate him for it; but I don't. Instead I am indifferent, almost numb. I think I still have to deal with it. Once I know whether I am dying or not.

On a different side of that whole ordeal, I think I might just have to thank Kadaj for what he did. In essence, giving my body a break from being bombarded with Yazuu's DNA. Allowing my body time to adapt to what was in it already.

It has been five months now since I have allowed anybody to be intimate with me. Not to say that I haven't made love to Yazuu after I had mostly recovered from what Kadaj did. It's just that we are being more careful now, since we don't know if another 'dose' of
Yazuu will kill me or not.

I know he worries about me, and how he'll blame himself, and even Kadaj a bit, if I die from this. He's afraid he'll loose me, like he lost Loz.

He doesn't think I've heard him, late at night when he believes I am sleeping. He holds me close and cries. It's only been a few times in the past two months, but it's more then he should have had to.

I hate seeing and sensing him like that. It breaks my heart. So the next day I try to do whatever I can to lift his spirits. It helps both of us to forget our worries, if only for a few days, or until my blood starts burning again.

I think I am close to completion of all this. I have noticed my eyes are flickering to a green color, and are glowing softly all the time. My hair is almost paler and has the same sort of shimmer that Yazuu's and Kadaj's has. Of course I didn't really notice it much until a few weeks ago.

I know that Kadaj's DNA sample has had a bit of effect on me as well.

I've been thinking it over, and I have come to the conclusion that I need another 'dose'. If Yazuu doesn't comply, then I will threaten to go to Kadaj. I hate having to even consider doing that to Yazuu, but I am tired of living this way. Not knowing it I'll die or not.

If I'm going to die from this, then one more 'dose' won't matter. But if I am to survive the change, then another time might just do the trick.

I will give Yazuu time to consider this, it's not like I'm only going to give him 30 seconds to decide.

I hope he can understand this choice, and just how much I love him.

I was going to wait until after all of this was over; but I think when I ask him tonight, that I will also give him one of my parent's wedding bands.