To Love a Cop
folder
Final Fantasy VIII › Yaoi - Male/Male › Seifer/Squall
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
6
Views:
1,282
Reviews:
38
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
Final Fantasy VIII › Yaoi - Male/Male › Seifer/Squall
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
6
Views:
1,282
Reviews:
38
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
Belongs to: Squaresoft. Profits: None
4
Warnings: angst
Beta: none
Notes: At least some of you are still with me.
4
Squall opened his eyes and realized that it was morning already. He lay still for a moment and tried to figure out why this disturbed him. When the feeling of dread and stress returned he realized what it had been. Up until that moment he had felt… peaceful.
He had, somehow, slept through the night and he had woken up like a normal person. No nightmares clinging to his subconscious, no overwhelming desire to run. Of course, that all came back now when he realized he wasn’t feeling it. Squall sighed and got up. Still, the feelings weren’t quite as strong, he could much easier battle it down. Perhaps one good nights rest was all it had taken to banish the ridicules behavior.
He still picked up a change of clothes before getting to the bathroom. The need to shower was still strong but that he could blame on the sun baking him in the bed. Hyne, what time was it? Felt like it ought to be noon. Squall exited the bedroom, not at all feeling as skittish as he had a week ago. That could be because he was sort of mentally preparing himself to face the black giant.
To his surprise the kitchen was empty. Walking further he stopped frozen in the living-room. Beside the big TV, where a huge floor to ceiling shelf had stood, was a door. The shelf had been moved to cover the window beside it instead. Squall was utterly surprised because one, he had cleaned that shelf and not noticed a bloody door hidden behind it and two, who hid a door in the first place?
A noise from the room behind the open door made him flinch. His stomach knotted as he heard muffled curses uttered in estharian. Should he go investigate what the giant was up to or just silently sneak back to the bedroom? Maybe making a ruckus as if he had just woken up? What if there was something in that room which Raijin wanted to hide?
That thought made fear seize the brunet. Memories of dwindling corridors leading to a soundproof room flashed through his head. No, Raijin was not like that. There was nothing hideous hiding in that room. Nothing like that. Still it was weird, he had to admit that. He ought to investigate it, just to be sure right? And what if that room did hide something… weird? Fear seized his throat and mouth. Turning them both dry.
Ridicules. If there was something scary in there he could just sneak up without the man knowing. Squall would be out of the apartment before Raijin even noticed. At least that’s what he told himself while he silently and slowly sneaked closer to the door. This close he could hear the big man rummaging around in there and he was mumbling to himself in estharian. Squall couldn’t tell if it was something else than curses. He only knew a few words of bad language after all.
His heart was hammering inside him and he easily recognized the signs of adrenaline coursing through his body. Sneaking up the last steps he hesitated minutely before glancing inside. All he saw was stacks of boxes. Taking a step further all fear was replaced with astonishment. It seemed… to be a storage room. Seifer had complained about Squall having a lot of boxes littering his apartment but this…
The room’s every wall where lined with boxes from floor to ceiling. There was an old bookshelf in wood to one corner that was drowned in stuff. Papers and tech looking stuff, a ball of some sort. In the middle of the floor was a huge machine that, Squall guessed, was some kind of training equipment but it didn’t seem to be in use. There were a couple long boxes or suitcases that were far too long and rectangular for Squall to guess its contents. In one corner long staffs made in wood leaned. There was a window in there too but it was hidden behind a blind and a bookshelf.
He hadn’t realized he was staring in astonishment until Raijin rose from a kneeling position and turned around with a box in hand. Raijin froze in surprise, dark eyes going intense and focused. It reminded him again of Seifer and Squall wondered if it was a fighter thing or a police thing and if; was Raijin an officer or something else similar?
“Squall? Ya up and about sorry, did I wake ya?” The man smiled before blowing of a cover of dust.
Squall lamely shook his head. Raijin made a huge sneeze from the dust that only managed to stir up more particles. The man was cussing again and Squall backed away as he felt the dust starting to tickle his nostrils. Raijin soon followed him out, carrying a box. He dropped it down just outside with a disgusted curl to his lips.
“It’s a damn mess an’ most of it is just garbage anyway. Don’ know why I’ve kept it so long. But if we throw it out an’ clean it up it’ll make a nice room,” Raijin continued and smiled.
Squall nodded silently. He guessed there wasn’t anything left to clean in the apartment and Raijin was right to use the extra help when he had it. With a sharp pang he reminded himself of his own apartment and all his boxes. Sure, a lot was things he could be without but there had been a lot of things that was dear to him too. What would happen to it? He hadn’t asked Seifer about it. Then again there were a lot of things he hadn’t asked.
“Hey.”
The soft words still managed to make Squall jump and he glanced up at the towering man. To his utter embarrassment he felt tears slip down his cheeks. What the..? He didn’t even feel the normal reactions before crying. His throat wasn’t in a knot, neither his stomach, his eyes weren’t burning. The tears just seemed to be running like you breathed. Horrified he fled to the bathroom.
Once the door was closed and locked next embarrassment came. What a stupid, foolish reaction! He could have said it was the dust. Although then the pain came. His chest constricted as if a giant hand was squeezing him. With barely muffled sobs he sunk to the floor by the door. He desperately fought the panic/grief/fear. This was bad. It was getting worse. It wasn’t just the monster hunting his dreams any longer. That other blond was seeping through his veins like poison. Why?
He had known getting so involved was bad. Hadn’t experience taught him that there was nothing but pain in relationships? There was no such thing as love.
*****
It was amazing that Raijin hadn’t barged through the door. Squall didn’t know how long he stayed in the bathroom. He showered and he brushed his teeth twice and that only after an awful long time whimpering in a heap on the floor. Once he dared to get out, he fled to the bedroom where he dressed in his thickest, most covering clothes. He could smell the breakfast in the air and knew he didn’t have a choice other than to get out there.
Raijin was in the kitchen fiddling with some tech looking thing spread out on the table. Squall couldn’t decide what it resembled. When the man looked up the dark eyes were full of concern and something close to scrutinizing. Squall had to look away. He was embarrassed as it was without having to endure that gaze. There were sandwiches on a plate on the table and a cup with milk prepared in the microwave. The microwave was already preinstalled so all Squall had to do was push the start button.
Squall hadn’t truly realized what technological difference there was between Galbadia and Esthar until then. He hadn’t been able to imagine what Teo meant when the teacher had tried to explain. Apparently these expensive looking things like the microwave and the TV and the stereo in the kitchen was something everyone had in one form or another. Even the stove and the refrigerator and cooler were far better than what you normally got in Galbadia. Squall had never heard of “induction” stoves or automatically defrosters before he got to Esthar.
“What made ya freak out?” Raijin suddenly asked quite bluntly for being him.
Squall froze all over and just barely managed a shrug. How could he explain that? It was so ridicules.
“Is it the room? Somethin’ about the mess or the dust disturbing ya?” he continued.
Squall shrugged again and crossed his arms over his chest. It was an action he knew was defensive and he couldn’t help it at that moment.
“Bad enough that ya can’t sleep in there once we fix it up?”
Squall turned at that and he knew he was wide eyed in confusion. Raijin was still staring at him with that scrutinizing gaze. As if he was gauging Squall’s every reaction. Sleep in there? Sure, he could do that, but that sounded like a lot of extra work for no reason. Just kick him out instead. Or better yet, why couldn’t Squall take the couch?
“It’s not necessary…” he started softly.
“Can ya or not? Will there be anything in that room bothering ya this much?” the man continued.
His gaze and his forcefulness made Squall cringe.
“No.”
Raijin nodded
“What happened?” he then asked much softer.
The microwave pinged at that moment and gave Squall the excuse to tend to the cup. He was soon seated with the hot chocolate and had nowhere to run. Hyne, he didn’t want this. When Raijin had said he needed to speak about stuff he hadn’t believed the man would push. If he dared to look up he’d meet the expectant eyes of the man. He couldn’t eat under that pressure.
“Nothing important just ridicules stuff,” he finally admitted.
“Like what?”
“Why do you ask?” Squall bit back and regretted it.
“’Cause it’s not unimportant. If ya’r supposed ta sleep in there ya can’t go freaking out, then we just have ta switch bedrooms,” Raijin explained bluntly and Squall stared at the man.
There was such honesty and clarity in the dark eyes it was unnerving. How could a person be so… true? Raijin didn’t seem to have a single façade, not a single hidden motive. Squall didn’t know if he should be more frightened or not. He fundamentally couldn’t trust a person like Raijin, they simply didn’t exist. Everyone wanted something others weren’t ready to give easily. Everyone had an ulterior motive, why was it so hard to figure out what this big black man wanted?
“I had boxes with stuff… I’m probably not going to see them again,” Squall said lowly.
That wasn’t it, he thought. That had just been the catalyst that made him think of… things he didn’t want to.
“But really, you shouldn’t make such a problem for yourself, I can use the couch just fine,” Squall argued.
“Wasn’t we agreed that ya’re going to stay for some time?” Raijin countered with a raised eyebrow.
Squall prepared to argue that too. Obviously they had a different view of what was “a while”.
“An’ it’s no problem. The room needs clearing but ya’ll still have ta chare it with some stuff,” Raijin shrugged.
Squall couldn’t argue anymore. Besides, he had money. At least it eased his mind reminding himself of that as long as he ignored the fact that Raijin had still to take any.
“Are ya going to leave that?” he man asked with a nod at the sandwich still sitting untouched at a plate.
Squall eyed him and made a shrug. He really didn’t have an appetite and he had really made an effort to eat what Raijin had kindly made for him.
“Alright, don’ tell me I didn’ ask,” Raijin grinned and snatched the sandwich. Squall narrowed his eyes. Just maybe Raijin purposely made too many just to get more himself…
It was almost a routine to get a bucket with water and a rag while Raijin got the vacuum-cleaner. It felt good doing something like this. However as he got a proper good look on it and realized what they had to do he almost wanted to argue again.
Squall got the outside. He took the boxes and whatnot Raijin sent out and whipped them down. After he man’s directions he put them in two different piles. Apparently it was the “save” and the “maybe save”. He fleetingly wondered how his save and maybe save piles would look like. Probably his save pile would be larger than Raijin’s.
Suddenly Raijin came out with a smaller box, but he didn’t hand it over but put it on his own in the save pile. It was explained when Squall saw that it was full of weights for a handle. He shouldn’t be surprised, really he shouldn’t, but still his stomach knotted some and he felt a kind of awe at subconsciously realizing how much the man handled with somewhat ease.
“Do ya know any estharian at all?” he asked while dusting of his pants.
“Some,” Squall admitted.
“Like sentence some or words some?”
“A little in both. Like presenting myself and ask for simple directions…”
The man nodded as if it was as he expected. Then he cruelly said something in Esharian and smiled. Squall blinked. He had understood the word for “good”.
“I’ll get ya some stuff ta read, ya’ll be speaking estharian in no time,” Raijin smirked.
“Right…” Squall said slowly.
*****
It took them most of the day to sort through all the stuff and clean the room up bearably. Although, Raijin did most of the sorting stuff since Squall didn’t really know what was what. Once they were prepared to drive the junk to the tipping centre, Squall realized just how high-tech the man’s car was. The car was a little bigger than most he had seen but when Raijin started leveling seats and walls and whatnot, Squall felt his eyes grow rounder and rounder in surprise. Sure, he knew you could take down the backseat in most cars to get a larger space but this was ridicules how much the car could be transformed.
The space that opened up behind the driver seat and passenger seat was huge, like a cave. He didn’t say anything though the feeling of being in an entirely different country was slowly transforming to a entirely different planet… Squall left the packing of the vehicle to the other. Which proved good since he had never managed to get everything inside in one trip. Raijin was a magician or he had done that sort of things enough times to learn a few tricks.
“Ya want ta come with me?” the man smiled when they were ready to go.
Squall only nodded silently. He knew it wasn’t really an open question, otherwise Raijin would have asked before he started packing the car so he knew if he could have used the front passenger seat as loading space too.
The ride to the tipping centre was silent, part from the radio playing some music he didn’t understand the words in. He had thought it wouldn’t be a deal just going to a tipping centre. After all, huge piles of garbage tended to scare off people that didn’t absolutely have to go there. However, the tipping centre they went to was so far from Squall’s expectations he just gawked.
It was a huge area with large, green containers put in a sort of pit. Cars in all forms and shapes with or without trailers, was parked everywhere and people. Lots of people running back and forth between their veicels and the designated green container for whatever junk they had. Squall just stared as they drove around and up the sort of platform so it was just to haul whatever junk you had over a railing and down in a container.
Each contained had a sign by the railing stating, Squall guessed, what was supposed to go in it. There was one for wood, one for large plastic stuff, another for metal and so on and so forth until he was ready to laugh at the enormity of it. What was this? Was this company buying this stuff to make other things out of it or even auctioneering it away? Bu everything looked a smite to worn and torn for that. Squall followed Raijin’s example once the car was parked close to a container.
Still all the people, all the movements… inside the car it hadn’t been so bad but now Squall found himself pressing his back to Raijin’s car while trying to watch everything at once.
“Here ya go, it goes in the second container from here,” Raijin explained while giving Squall a box.
The brunet griped it tightly and slowly made his way to the assigned container. Everyone was zipping about with determination and experienced ease. Seeing a large lady dump a pile of planks in the container Squall was to dump his in, he simply mimicked her. He regretted it though as he didn’t see any other boxes among all the debris.
Back to the car quickly. Raijin had already unloaded a great deal and he gave Squall what looked to have belonged to a bicycle once.
“In the fourth, the one with all other metal stuff,” Raijin directed with a smile.
Squall followed the order. Once back at Raijin’s place he would ask what this was all about. Right now he tried to put all his focus in getting the metal piece to point B and get himself back to point A. He threw the metal piece into an almost empty container and turned to go back. Someone bumped into him and he received a fleeting apologetic smile and some uttered apology in estarian from the man.
The reaction that assaulted Squall took him completely by surprise. Irrational fear seized him and his body seemed to kick into overdrive like a racing horse hearing the bell. His heart started drumming, his breathing came in short gasps, his mouth turned dry.
When he got back to the car he knew he wasn’t anywhere near getting control over his shaking body. He didn’t want to know what Raijin saw in his face to make the dark eyes sweep the area and dark eyebrows furrow in concern.
“Why don’t ya wait in the car? There’s not much left,” Raijin offered softly.
Squall didn’t argue but dove into the car as if it was a safe haven. Inside he could hear his own labored breath and feel the cold sweat run down his back. His hands were cold and clammy. Hyne, what was wrong with him? It had just been an accidental bump of shoulders. The man had even been brown haired, above middle age and hadn’t at all looked dangerous. This was utter ridicules. Telling himself that didn’t work though. The fear was like a poison in his body. The shakes got so bad he had to clench his jaws hard and press his hands between his knees to somewhat stifle it.
It took forever, he thought, for Raijin to be finished, close the car and get back in it. When he didn’t start the car immediately, Squall was forced to look into those concerned dark eyes.
“Something special setting ya off?” Raijin asked softly, his voice a deep rumble.
Squall shook his head and for once he thought it to be true enough. Raijin accepted the answer and took them away from there.
Squall managed to find his calm again on the ride back, but another kind of unease had started in him. He could understand his fears in situations like that in the grocery store. That man had been too close to familiar shapes and colors after all. But this… What had set him off so? Was this how things would be from now on? That which He had done… had it damaged Squall in a way the brunet couldn’t see? Was something broken that couldn’t be healed?
His facial wounds and those in his body were healing well. There was almost no trace of them left if you didn’t know what to look for. Squall forced the thoughts away as they arrived at the correct street. He silently followed the big man as this reassembled the car and then took the lead up to the apartment.
“Why don’t ya make a neat stack of those things while I put this together? Should have done it a long time ago…” Raijin muttered with a gesture to what had to be a training machine.
Squall happily and eagerly attacked the “save” stuff. He let his mind shut off and completely focused on cleaning the things before methicolusly putting them in a nice stack in a corner of the room. Sadly it didn’t take long and Squall noted with apprehension the evening and night closing in. Raijin stretched and eyed the room critically.
“It’ll do for now. We’ll fix it up nicer later on,” he nodded before giving Squall a long look.
“Say, how about ya fix us some dinner while I go out and run some errands?” Raijin suggested and Squall was far to eager to accept that offer.
He thought one trip outside the doors and into crowds was far enough for one day. That was before he was actually faced with the task of making something eatable. Cooking back… home, had been difficult enough. Standing in the alien kitchen made him feel lost again. It had to be something simple.
He knew Rajin didn’t like noodles, said it was too small a meal to actually be noticed. Squall could understand that. Such a mass must be hard to maintain even Seifer ate like a horse and he wasn’t really close to Raijin. So Squall boiled potatoes and managed to fry some big pieces of meat without melting the stove or setting the place on fire.
*****
The food was finished and the table set long before the man returned. It made nagging, dark thoughts crawl up Squall’s spine and he shoved them away with a vengeance. He desperately searched for something to occupy himself with and started flipping through a magazine. It was some sort of health magazine with pictures of food and very well trained women and men and training equipment Figured Raijin would fancy such things. Squall didn’t understand much though he tried to read some articles. He could make out some words, even make sense of some sentences but it was too much work. Fortunately the man returned then.
Raijin stepped inside with boisterous energy and Squall was appalled at the sight of a full bed frame and madras. The panic was back, the need to run slammed down like a fist. He stood trembling and fighting with himself as Raijin unpacked the large sets and jovially talked on. Soon enough he stopped and looked up and Squall knew he hadn’t managed to mask the panic and flight. Fear and irrational thoughts was running in his head.
All those bad thoughts which he had managed to drown out the last days surged up with a vengeance. As Raijin moved Squall flinched and adrenaline shoot through his body like a flash. He had to steel himself to no step back as Raijin stepped up close to him. Those dark eyes were studying him with that strange concern and something else.
“What’s the matter?” the man lowly asked.
Squall shrugged and crossed his arms over his chest as if he could cage the irrational fear. Raijin sighed and they stood silent for a while.
“I’m not throwing ya out and I’m not gonna take any money ya don’t have,” the man said lowly.
“But I can pay, this is too much,” Squall desperately shoot back.
The need to make right for himself slammed trough him like a fist. He had managed to ignore it but it was back. Raijin sighed again and looked Squall up and down.
“Don’t worry, this is nothing I can’t afford.”
Squall wanted to angrily ask why. Why do this for a complete, fucked-up stranger? He didn’t though, because he didn’t want the answer and his subconscious was squirming at the prospect of sooner or later finding out. He felt the panic rise and he had to take a step back from the giant and he hated it. He couldn’t look up in the dark eyes that would be showing odd concern.
“Ok, here’s the thing,” Raijin started and seemed to prepare himself.
Squall did too and his hands gripped his upper arms tightly.
“Ya can’t get a job if ya don’t know the language and look like ya do now. Ya need to stay patient for a month at least, get some meat back on your bones and manage the language ok. Then we’ll see if that fake pass ya got is anything worth. After that ya can get a job and we can start discussing rent; until then just bear with me ya hear?” Raijin explained calmly.
Squall had to process that for a while. The panic and worry didn’t want to ease at first. He had to consciously go through what had been said, see it for himself and convince himself to believe in it. It sounded alright. It still left the itching question of why. Squall weighed back and forth and debated with himself about the sanity in placing that question. In the end he stayed silent. Still too cowardly to ask such an important question.
“So, wanna set this up tonight or should we wait until tomorrow?” Raijin asked with a smile and a gesture to the unfinished bed.
“Tonight,” Squall nodded and forced the knot in his stomach to uncoil.
Raijin was complimenting him on the food, Squall didn’t say anything as the man put some seasoning on it though. He knew he wasn’t a good cook but didn’t care. He was starting to grow tired.
It took them a good hour to set up the bed and make it. Squall moved his things to the odd little room and when he sat down on the new bed an odd sense settled over him. Having this space without interfering on Raijin’s made everything easier. The plan the older man had explained earlier had settled some. It was a good plan, something Squall could understand. And what if, on a later note, the big man pushed for intimacy? Squall shivered, his gut clenched.
That had to be addressed then. He couldn’t allow himself to lock on that issue now. However, thinking such brave things was far different from actually doing it. Squall hung his head and massaged his temples. Unbidden but not surprisingly thoughts of the cop came to him. Remembering that last time in the blond’s kitchen. The man’s words… Squall stifled a sob but the tears still welled up without hindrance. Seeing how he was all alone he let the chaos inside fully seize him.
It was a pain worse than whatever torturous game Seraph could have come up with. It clawed inside of him over and over, digging deep gauges in him and he thought that perhaps that was what was broken and couldn’t be healed. This day was the worst ever and he wished, when exhaustion drove him into darkness, that he wouldn’t wake up to another like it.
Author’s Note:
Ok, I miss writing the hot lemons from the prequel, but I guess I only have myself to blame.
Beta: none
Notes: At least some of you are still with me.
Squall opened his eyes and realized that it was morning already. He lay still for a moment and tried to figure out why this disturbed him. When the feeling of dread and stress returned he realized what it had been. Up until that moment he had felt… peaceful.
He had, somehow, slept through the night and he had woken up like a normal person. No nightmares clinging to his subconscious, no overwhelming desire to run. Of course, that all came back now when he realized he wasn’t feeling it. Squall sighed and got up. Still, the feelings weren’t quite as strong, he could much easier battle it down. Perhaps one good nights rest was all it had taken to banish the ridicules behavior.
He still picked up a change of clothes before getting to the bathroom. The need to shower was still strong but that he could blame on the sun baking him in the bed. Hyne, what time was it? Felt like it ought to be noon. Squall exited the bedroom, not at all feeling as skittish as he had a week ago. That could be because he was sort of mentally preparing himself to face the black giant.
To his surprise the kitchen was empty. Walking further he stopped frozen in the living-room. Beside the big TV, where a huge floor to ceiling shelf had stood, was a door. The shelf had been moved to cover the window beside it instead. Squall was utterly surprised because one, he had cleaned that shelf and not noticed a bloody door hidden behind it and two, who hid a door in the first place?
A noise from the room behind the open door made him flinch. His stomach knotted as he heard muffled curses uttered in estharian. Should he go investigate what the giant was up to or just silently sneak back to the bedroom? Maybe making a ruckus as if he had just woken up? What if there was something in that room which Raijin wanted to hide?
That thought made fear seize the brunet. Memories of dwindling corridors leading to a soundproof room flashed through his head. No, Raijin was not like that. There was nothing hideous hiding in that room. Nothing like that. Still it was weird, he had to admit that. He ought to investigate it, just to be sure right? And what if that room did hide something… weird? Fear seized his throat and mouth. Turning them both dry.
Ridicules. If there was something scary in there he could just sneak up without the man knowing. Squall would be out of the apartment before Raijin even noticed. At least that’s what he told himself while he silently and slowly sneaked closer to the door. This close he could hear the big man rummaging around in there and he was mumbling to himself in estharian. Squall couldn’t tell if it was something else than curses. He only knew a few words of bad language after all.
His heart was hammering inside him and he easily recognized the signs of adrenaline coursing through his body. Sneaking up the last steps he hesitated minutely before glancing inside. All he saw was stacks of boxes. Taking a step further all fear was replaced with astonishment. It seemed… to be a storage room. Seifer had complained about Squall having a lot of boxes littering his apartment but this…
The room’s every wall where lined with boxes from floor to ceiling. There was an old bookshelf in wood to one corner that was drowned in stuff. Papers and tech looking stuff, a ball of some sort. In the middle of the floor was a huge machine that, Squall guessed, was some kind of training equipment but it didn’t seem to be in use. There were a couple long boxes or suitcases that were far too long and rectangular for Squall to guess its contents. In one corner long staffs made in wood leaned. There was a window in there too but it was hidden behind a blind and a bookshelf.
He hadn’t realized he was staring in astonishment until Raijin rose from a kneeling position and turned around with a box in hand. Raijin froze in surprise, dark eyes going intense and focused. It reminded him again of Seifer and Squall wondered if it was a fighter thing or a police thing and if; was Raijin an officer or something else similar?
“Squall? Ya up and about sorry, did I wake ya?” The man smiled before blowing of a cover of dust.
Squall lamely shook his head. Raijin made a huge sneeze from the dust that only managed to stir up more particles. The man was cussing again and Squall backed away as he felt the dust starting to tickle his nostrils. Raijin soon followed him out, carrying a box. He dropped it down just outside with a disgusted curl to his lips.
“It’s a damn mess an’ most of it is just garbage anyway. Don’ know why I’ve kept it so long. But if we throw it out an’ clean it up it’ll make a nice room,” Raijin continued and smiled.
Squall nodded silently. He guessed there wasn’t anything left to clean in the apartment and Raijin was right to use the extra help when he had it. With a sharp pang he reminded himself of his own apartment and all his boxes. Sure, a lot was things he could be without but there had been a lot of things that was dear to him too. What would happen to it? He hadn’t asked Seifer about it. Then again there were a lot of things he hadn’t asked.
“Hey.”
The soft words still managed to make Squall jump and he glanced up at the towering man. To his utter embarrassment he felt tears slip down his cheeks. What the..? He didn’t even feel the normal reactions before crying. His throat wasn’t in a knot, neither his stomach, his eyes weren’t burning. The tears just seemed to be running like you breathed. Horrified he fled to the bathroom.
Once the door was closed and locked next embarrassment came. What a stupid, foolish reaction! He could have said it was the dust. Although then the pain came. His chest constricted as if a giant hand was squeezing him. With barely muffled sobs he sunk to the floor by the door. He desperately fought the panic/grief/fear. This was bad. It was getting worse. It wasn’t just the monster hunting his dreams any longer. That other blond was seeping through his veins like poison. Why?
He had known getting so involved was bad. Hadn’t experience taught him that there was nothing but pain in relationships? There was no such thing as love.
*****
It was amazing that Raijin hadn’t barged through the door. Squall didn’t know how long he stayed in the bathroom. He showered and he brushed his teeth twice and that only after an awful long time whimpering in a heap on the floor. Once he dared to get out, he fled to the bedroom where he dressed in his thickest, most covering clothes. He could smell the breakfast in the air and knew he didn’t have a choice other than to get out there.
Raijin was in the kitchen fiddling with some tech looking thing spread out on the table. Squall couldn’t decide what it resembled. When the man looked up the dark eyes were full of concern and something close to scrutinizing. Squall had to look away. He was embarrassed as it was without having to endure that gaze. There were sandwiches on a plate on the table and a cup with milk prepared in the microwave. The microwave was already preinstalled so all Squall had to do was push the start button.
Squall hadn’t truly realized what technological difference there was between Galbadia and Esthar until then. He hadn’t been able to imagine what Teo meant when the teacher had tried to explain. Apparently these expensive looking things like the microwave and the TV and the stereo in the kitchen was something everyone had in one form or another. Even the stove and the refrigerator and cooler were far better than what you normally got in Galbadia. Squall had never heard of “induction” stoves or automatically defrosters before he got to Esthar.
“What made ya freak out?” Raijin suddenly asked quite bluntly for being him.
Squall froze all over and just barely managed a shrug. How could he explain that? It was so ridicules.
“Is it the room? Somethin’ about the mess or the dust disturbing ya?” he continued.
Squall shrugged again and crossed his arms over his chest. It was an action he knew was defensive and he couldn’t help it at that moment.
“Bad enough that ya can’t sleep in there once we fix it up?”
Squall turned at that and he knew he was wide eyed in confusion. Raijin was still staring at him with that scrutinizing gaze. As if he was gauging Squall’s every reaction. Sleep in there? Sure, he could do that, but that sounded like a lot of extra work for no reason. Just kick him out instead. Or better yet, why couldn’t Squall take the couch?
“It’s not necessary…” he started softly.
“Can ya or not? Will there be anything in that room bothering ya this much?” the man continued.
His gaze and his forcefulness made Squall cringe.
“No.”
Raijin nodded
“What happened?” he then asked much softer.
The microwave pinged at that moment and gave Squall the excuse to tend to the cup. He was soon seated with the hot chocolate and had nowhere to run. Hyne, he didn’t want this. When Raijin had said he needed to speak about stuff he hadn’t believed the man would push. If he dared to look up he’d meet the expectant eyes of the man. He couldn’t eat under that pressure.
“Nothing important just ridicules stuff,” he finally admitted.
“Like what?”
“Why do you ask?” Squall bit back and regretted it.
“’Cause it’s not unimportant. If ya’r supposed ta sleep in there ya can’t go freaking out, then we just have ta switch bedrooms,” Raijin explained bluntly and Squall stared at the man.
There was such honesty and clarity in the dark eyes it was unnerving. How could a person be so… true? Raijin didn’t seem to have a single façade, not a single hidden motive. Squall didn’t know if he should be more frightened or not. He fundamentally couldn’t trust a person like Raijin, they simply didn’t exist. Everyone wanted something others weren’t ready to give easily. Everyone had an ulterior motive, why was it so hard to figure out what this big black man wanted?
“I had boxes with stuff… I’m probably not going to see them again,” Squall said lowly.
That wasn’t it, he thought. That had just been the catalyst that made him think of… things he didn’t want to.
“But really, you shouldn’t make such a problem for yourself, I can use the couch just fine,” Squall argued.
“Wasn’t we agreed that ya’re going to stay for some time?” Raijin countered with a raised eyebrow.
Squall prepared to argue that too. Obviously they had a different view of what was “a while”.
“An’ it’s no problem. The room needs clearing but ya’ll still have ta chare it with some stuff,” Raijin shrugged.
Squall couldn’t argue anymore. Besides, he had money. At least it eased his mind reminding himself of that as long as he ignored the fact that Raijin had still to take any.
“Are ya going to leave that?” he man asked with a nod at the sandwich still sitting untouched at a plate.
Squall eyed him and made a shrug. He really didn’t have an appetite and he had really made an effort to eat what Raijin had kindly made for him.
“Alright, don’ tell me I didn’ ask,” Raijin grinned and snatched the sandwich. Squall narrowed his eyes. Just maybe Raijin purposely made too many just to get more himself…
It was almost a routine to get a bucket with water and a rag while Raijin got the vacuum-cleaner. It felt good doing something like this. However as he got a proper good look on it and realized what they had to do he almost wanted to argue again.
Squall got the outside. He took the boxes and whatnot Raijin sent out and whipped them down. After he man’s directions he put them in two different piles. Apparently it was the “save” and the “maybe save”. He fleetingly wondered how his save and maybe save piles would look like. Probably his save pile would be larger than Raijin’s.
Suddenly Raijin came out with a smaller box, but he didn’t hand it over but put it on his own in the save pile. It was explained when Squall saw that it was full of weights for a handle. He shouldn’t be surprised, really he shouldn’t, but still his stomach knotted some and he felt a kind of awe at subconsciously realizing how much the man handled with somewhat ease.
“Do ya know any estharian at all?” he asked while dusting of his pants.
“Some,” Squall admitted.
“Like sentence some or words some?”
“A little in both. Like presenting myself and ask for simple directions…”
The man nodded as if it was as he expected. Then he cruelly said something in Esharian and smiled. Squall blinked. He had understood the word for “good”.
“I’ll get ya some stuff ta read, ya’ll be speaking estharian in no time,” Raijin smirked.
“Right…” Squall said slowly.
*****
It took them most of the day to sort through all the stuff and clean the room up bearably. Although, Raijin did most of the sorting stuff since Squall didn’t really know what was what. Once they were prepared to drive the junk to the tipping centre, Squall realized just how high-tech the man’s car was. The car was a little bigger than most he had seen but when Raijin started leveling seats and walls and whatnot, Squall felt his eyes grow rounder and rounder in surprise. Sure, he knew you could take down the backseat in most cars to get a larger space but this was ridicules how much the car could be transformed.
The space that opened up behind the driver seat and passenger seat was huge, like a cave. He didn’t say anything though the feeling of being in an entirely different country was slowly transforming to a entirely different planet… Squall left the packing of the vehicle to the other. Which proved good since he had never managed to get everything inside in one trip. Raijin was a magician or he had done that sort of things enough times to learn a few tricks.
“Ya want ta come with me?” the man smiled when they were ready to go.
Squall only nodded silently. He knew it wasn’t really an open question, otherwise Raijin would have asked before he started packing the car so he knew if he could have used the front passenger seat as loading space too.
The ride to the tipping centre was silent, part from the radio playing some music he didn’t understand the words in. He had thought it wouldn’t be a deal just going to a tipping centre. After all, huge piles of garbage tended to scare off people that didn’t absolutely have to go there. However, the tipping centre they went to was so far from Squall’s expectations he just gawked.
It was a huge area with large, green containers put in a sort of pit. Cars in all forms and shapes with or without trailers, was parked everywhere and people. Lots of people running back and forth between their veicels and the designated green container for whatever junk they had. Squall just stared as they drove around and up the sort of platform so it was just to haul whatever junk you had over a railing and down in a container.
Each contained had a sign by the railing stating, Squall guessed, what was supposed to go in it. There was one for wood, one for large plastic stuff, another for metal and so on and so forth until he was ready to laugh at the enormity of it. What was this? Was this company buying this stuff to make other things out of it or even auctioneering it away? Bu everything looked a smite to worn and torn for that. Squall followed Raijin’s example once the car was parked close to a container.
Still all the people, all the movements… inside the car it hadn’t been so bad but now Squall found himself pressing his back to Raijin’s car while trying to watch everything at once.
“Here ya go, it goes in the second container from here,” Raijin explained while giving Squall a box.
The brunet griped it tightly and slowly made his way to the assigned container. Everyone was zipping about with determination and experienced ease. Seeing a large lady dump a pile of planks in the container Squall was to dump his in, he simply mimicked her. He regretted it though as he didn’t see any other boxes among all the debris.
Back to the car quickly. Raijin had already unloaded a great deal and he gave Squall what looked to have belonged to a bicycle once.
“In the fourth, the one with all other metal stuff,” Raijin directed with a smile.
Squall followed the order. Once back at Raijin’s place he would ask what this was all about. Right now he tried to put all his focus in getting the metal piece to point B and get himself back to point A. He threw the metal piece into an almost empty container and turned to go back. Someone bumped into him and he received a fleeting apologetic smile and some uttered apology in estarian from the man.
The reaction that assaulted Squall took him completely by surprise. Irrational fear seized him and his body seemed to kick into overdrive like a racing horse hearing the bell. His heart started drumming, his breathing came in short gasps, his mouth turned dry.
When he got back to the car he knew he wasn’t anywhere near getting control over his shaking body. He didn’t want to know what Raijin saw in his face to make the dark eyes sweep the area and dark eyebrows furrow in concern.
“Why don’t ya wait in the car? There’s not much left,” Raijin offered softly.
Squall didn’t argue but dove into the car as if it was a safe haven. Inside he could hear his own labored breath and feel the cold sweat run down his back. His hands were cold and clammy. Hyne, what was wrong with him? It had just been an accidental bump of shoulders. The man had even been brown haired, above middle age and hadn’t at all looked dangerous. This was utter ridicules. Telling himself that didn’t work though. The fear was like a poison in his body. The shakes got so bad he had to clench his jaws hard and press his hands between his knees to somewhat stifle it.
It took forever, he thought, for Raijin to be finished, close the car and get back in it. When he didn’t start the car immediately, Squall was forced to look into those concerned dark eyes.
“Something special setting ya off?” Raijin asked softly, his voice a deep rumble.
Squall shook his head and for once he thought it to be true enough. Raijin accepted the answer and took them away from there.
Squall managed to find his calm again on the ride back, but another kind of unease had started in him. He could understand his fears in situations like that in the grocery store. That man had been too close to familiar shapes and colors after all. But this… What had set him off so? Was this how things would be from now on? That which He had done… had it damaged Squall in a way the brunet couldn’t see? Was something broken that couldn’t be healed?
His facial wounds and those in his body were healing well. There was almost no trace of them left if you didn’t know what to look for. Squall forced the thoughts away as they arrived at the correct street. He silently followed the big man as this reassembled the car and then took the lead up to the apartment.
“Why don’t ya make a neat stack of those things while I put this together? Should have done it a long time ago…” Raijin muttered with a gesture to what had to be a training machine.
Squall happily and eagerly attacked the “save” stuff. He let his mind shut off and completely focused on cleaning the things before methicolusly putting them in a nice stack in a corner of the room. Sadly it didn’t take long and Squall noted with apprehension the evening and night closing in. Raijin stretched and eyed the room critically.
“It’ll do for now. We’ll fix it up nicer later on,” he nodded before giving Squall a long look.
“Say, how about ya fix us some dinner while I go out and run some errands?” Raijin suggested and Squall was far to eager to accept that offer.
He thought one trip outside the doors and into crowds was far enough for one day. That was before he was actually faced with the task of making something eatable. Cooking back… home, had been difficult enough. Standing in the alien kitchen made him feel lost again. It had to be something simple.
He knew Rajin didn’t like noodles, said it was too small a meal to actually be noticed. Squall could understand that. Such a mass must be hard to maintain even Seifer ate like a horse and he wasn’t really close to Raijin. So Squall boiled potatoes and managed to fry some big pieces of meat without melting the stove or setting the place on fire.
*****
The food was finished and the table set long before the man returned. It made nagging, dark thoughts crawl up Squall’s spine and he shoved them away with a vengeance. He desperately searched for something to occupy himself with and started flipping through a magazine. It was some sort of health magazine with pictures of food and very well trained women and men and training equipment Figured Raijin would fancy such things. Squall didn’t understand much though he tried to read some articles. He could make out some words, even make sense of some sentences but it was too much work. Fortunately the man returned then.
Raijin stepped inside with boisterous energy and Squall was appalled at the sight of a full bed frame and madras. The panic was back, the need to run slammed down like a fist. He stood trembling and fighting with himself as Raijin unpacked the large sets and jovially talked on. Soon enough he stopped and looked up and Squall knew he hadn’t managed to mask the panic and flight. Fear and irrational thoughts was running in his head.
All those bad thoughts which he had managed to drown out the last days surged up with a vengeance. As Raijin moved Squall flinched and adrenaline shoot through his body like a flash. He had to steel himself to no step back as Raijin stepped up close to him. Those dark eyes were studying him with that strange concern and something else.
“What’s the matter?” the man lowly asked.
Squall shrugged and crossed his arms over his chest as if he could cage the irrational fear. Raijin sighed and they stood silent for a while.
“I’m not throwing ya out and I’m not gonna take any money ya don’t have,” the man said lowly.
“But I can pay, this is too much,” Squall desperately shoot back.
The need to make right for himself slammed trough him like a fist. He had managed to ignore it but it was back. Raijin sighed again and looked Squall up and down.
“Don’t worry, this is nothing I can’t afford.”
Squall wanted to angrily ask why. Why do this for a complete, fucked-up stranger? He didn’t though, because he didn’t want the answer and his subconscious was squirming at the prospect of sooner or later finding out. He felt the panic rise and he had to take a step back from the giant and he hated it. He couldn’t look up in the dark eyes that would be showing odd concern.
“Ok, here’s the thing,” Raijin started and seemed to prepare himself.
Squall did too and his hands gripped his upper arms tightly.
“Ya can’t get a job if ya don’t know the language and look like ya do now. Ya need to stay patient for a month at least, get some meat back on your bones and manage the language ok. Then we’ll see if that fake pass ya got is anything worth. After that ya can get a job and we can start discussing rent; until then just bear with me ya hear?” Raijin explained calmly.
Squall had to process that for a while. The panic and worry didn’t want to ease at first. He had to consciously go through what had been said, see it for himself and convince himself to believe in it. It sounded alright. It still left the itching question of why. Squall weighed back and forth and debated with himself about the sanity in placing that question. In the end he stayed silent. Still too cowardly to ask such an important question.
“So, wanna set this up tonight or should we wait until tomorrow?” Raijin asked with a smile and a gesture to the unfinished bed.
“Tonight,” Squall nodded and forced the knot in his stomach to uncoil.
Raijin was complimenting him on the food, Squall didn’t say anything as the man put some seasoning on it though. He knew he wasn’t a good cook but didn’t care. He was starting to grow tired.
It took them a good hour to set up the bed and make it. Squall moved his things to the odd little room and when he sat down on the new bed an odd sense settled over him. Having this space without interfering on Raijin’s made everything easier. The plan the older man had explained earlier had settled some. It was a good plan, something Squall could understand. And what if, on a later note, the big man pushed for intimacy? Squall shivered, his gut clenched.
That had to be addressed then. He couldn’t allow himself to lock on that issue now. However, thinking such brave things was far different from actually doing it. Squall hung his head and massaged his temples. Unbidden but not surprisingly thoughts of the cop came to him. Remembering that last time in the blond’s kitchen. The man’s words… Squall stifled a sob but the tears still welled up without hindrance. Seeing how he was all alone he let the chaos inside fully seize him.
It was a pain worse than whatever torturous game Seraph could have come up with. It clawed inside of him over and over, digging deep gauges in him and he thought that perhaps that was what was broken and couldn’t be healed. This day was the worst ever and he wished, when exhaustion drove him into darkness, that he wouldn’t wake up to another like it.
Author’s Note:
Ok, I miss writing the hot lemons from the prequel, but I guess I only have myself to blame.