CatMa

Disclaimer: I have no rights over The final Fantasy Characters nor is the script I based off mine either. The script used was acquired off the net from Movie script site.


Catma
By Sailor Poison
based off Dogma script

Chapter 4


The place is the boardroom of the Golden Cait Sith. This was much like Barney or the teletubbies but not as gay. The board room, though has representations of their mascot around them, was a rather nice one. There was a long table in center of the room with six people around it: five men and one woman. They talk among themselves till the CEO comes in and sits at the head of the table.

Caraway the CEO tosses file on the table, “Has anyone see the overnights results?” He smirks, “We wasted them all.”

Everyone all cheers.

Caraway, “And last that was just a rerun. When a very Cait Sith Christmas comes out, I predict the largest sales number in history. All records will be broken. “ sniffs the air, “ Smell something weird?”

Zack and Sephiroth are sitting just outside the room on a black leather couch. Zack was carving something out of a strange cheese with a very strong odor. Sephiroth was too enthralled by the comfyness of the black leather couch.

Caraway and his staff stare at them confused.

Caraway, “Who are these people?” No one can answer him so he addresses two strangers, “ Excuse me.”

Zack continues carving. Sephiroth looks at Zack and then back into his own little world.

Zack, “ Yes?”

Caraway, “ We are trying to hold a board meeting.”

Zack, “ We’ll go. But first, my friend here has something to say to you all. But I want to make sure we are in the correct place. Is this the Cait Sith Headquarters?”

Caraway, “ Yes, you are in the right place. Now I ask, who the devil are you? Why are you interrupting out meeting?”

Zack, “ Go ahead, Great one.”

Sephiroth gets up, “ First I must apologize for my friend. He likes to be dramatic when he works. I prefer straight to the point, but this is not my show. “

Zack, “Stop farting around.”

Sephiroth sighs and begins, “ Cait Sith.. created by Reeve who used to run a small day care. Small station named Shin-Ra bough the rights and began Cait Sith fun time show. It became popular. It spawned sixteen records and cds, a park called Cait Sith World, and a motion picture.”

Caraway, “ Your point?”

Sephiroth in a dark and grim voice, “ You are all idolators.”

The room is filled with confusion and silent till Zack speaks up.

Zack, “ They also have their own nationwide magazine!”

Sephiroth rolls his eyes.

Zack stalks over to Caraway, “This figure I made is you.” Sets it on the table., “Voodoo. Not quite Satanism but close. It is not a faith or a doctrine. It is combination of superstitions. This is a voodoo doll. “ Zack sneezes and waits but gets only silence, “This mockup of you if subjected to is suppose to cause some nasty effects.”

Caraway to Don, “ Call security.”

Zack points at the phone and it blows up. “ Beep! Wrong answer!”

Sephiroth, “ Once again, I must apologize. Zack tends to get excitable.”

Zack, “ Hurry up!”

Sephiroth huffs a second then looks at Caraway, “ You made Cait Sith into an Icon that draws worship away from God Almighty! You broke one of the biggest commandments. Infact, all of you are the most disgusting sinners.” Looks at one board member,” Like you Mister Gorki. Last year you cheated on your wife. You even had sexy with her sister while your wife was giving birth to your child.

Zack, “ Cheated in the same bed you share with your wife.”

Sephiroth moves on, “You.. Palmer! You got your boyfriend drunk last Halloween and had some person dressed like you fuck him. When the poor kid confessed this, you broke up with him. You wanted to be guilt free. He killed himself soon after.”

Palmer is in shock.

Sephiroth not liking his job continues, “ Mister Josef disowned his son because he was mentally retarded. Martine went to the Philippines to have sex with child prostitutes. Don okayed the production of toys that were both toxic and flammable!

Sephiroth pauses next to Quistis, “ You are the only innocent one here. Led a good and never misused your powers.” Kisses her cheek.

Quistis stares at Sephiroth speechless. Zack pats Sephiroth ion the shoulder.

Sephiroth, “ But you Caraway. You are the most disgusting one here. It is so vile I can’t say it out loud.” whispers into his ear.

Caraway goes white as a ghost.

Zack, “ You were her father you sick bastard!”

Caraway cries into his hands.

Sephiroth, “ Can I sit down now?” yearning to feel that couch again.

Zack smiles, “ Sure. Have a ball! You do have a disturbing love for black leather.”

Sephiroth goes back to the couch. Zack turns and gives the group a dark and menacing look.

Zack, “Not one of you deserve to live. The exception is Quistis over there. You sit in your chairs, feeling safe from all judgment. You believe you can hide your dark little sins from everyone but you forgot about God. He sees all.”

Zack pauses as if he mileavleave, “I forgot my little dolly!” looks at Caraway, “ You know it does look like you if you were cheese. Maybe if I believe hard enough?”

Zack puts his hand over the figure. Caraway looks horrid at what Zack is going to do. Caraway is sweating with his eyes glues to the cheese figure. Zack without a word smashing his fist into the figure and into the table to make a cheesy smelling mess. Caraway freezes with his hand over his eyes. He slowly opens them to realizing nothing happened.

Zack chuckles, “ I have no belief in Voodoo.”

Zack swiftly exits the room. All the board members are relieved silence. Then Zack slams doors aside as he returns swiftly with his gun out.

Zack, “ I believe in this!”

Gun fires as he shoots down all the men in the room. Not even the CEO is sparred. Only Quistis is sparred. She was covering her head with her arms. Zack walks over and ouches her cheek.

Zack, “Awwww. Its over now. They were just bad evil men. You are a good girl. Right?”

Quistis stares at him too terrified to speak

Zack then looks serious, “ But when I sneezed you forgot to say ‘God Bless You’ so now you have to pay.”

Zack puts his gun to her head. She squeezed her eyes shut expecting to die till Sephiroth’s voice calls to Zack.

Sephiroth, “Zachary!!!!”

Zack puts the gun away with am embarrassed chuckle, “ Sorry. I sometimes get carried away. “

Zack exits the room leaving the poor woman in the middle of the massacre. She slowly opens here eyes and realizes she is alive, alone, and for the moment safe.

Back at the strip joint, Cid and the barret were surrounded by Silent Vincent and the gang. They are laughing and chugging beers as if they were old friends.

Barret, “Listen to this shit!” looks at Cid, “ Do Auron again!”

Cid chugs his beer first and imitates Auron, “ We called it ‘Sin.’ “

The gang laugh hard.

Biggs, “Final Fantasy X kicks ass!”

Tifa, Kiros, and Laguna sit at a table not too far away talking.

Kiros, “I forgot you were on earth! How long has it been for you?”

Laguna, “ Only three years. What about you? Get thrown out again?”

Tifa, “Thrown ou
L
Laguna, “Kiros tends to get thrown out now and then because of his protests. They always take him back after a month or so. Just to get some quiet from the rebel rouser.”

Kiros teases, “Whorish artistic nut”

Laguna, “ I am not a nut!”

Kiros, “ Laguna used to hang with us on Jerusalem. Was a kick to watch.”

Tifa, “ He the fourteenth apostle?”

Kiros, “This is no man.” Looks at Laguna, “ No offense, hun.”

Tifa, “Looks human.”

Laguna, “ I am not human because.... “ takes Tifa’s hand and presses it against his groin and she feels lack of something, “ I lack the tools.”

Cid just sees Tifa with hand on Laguna’s groin, “ No fair! Free feel!”

Tifa in shock, “ Like Reno the Metatron.”

Laguna, “You met the Metatron?” Looks at Kiros,, “ How can she know Reno?!”

Kiros, “ Last Scion kind of thing,”

Laguna looks in awe, “ No way... “

Kiros, “Don’t you see the resemblance?”

Laguna stares at Tifa, “ Lil bit. She is much cuter.” Then it dawns on him, “ Shit! If you tapped her, then something major must be happening!”

Tifa, “What are you two babbling about?”

Kiros, “ Laguna is not really an angel or a human.”

Laguna, “Amen to that!” as he swings his beer and spits it out.

Tifa, “ Who is he?”

Laguna, “ More.. what am I? I am part of the Anthropomorphic club. I was an abstract.”

Tifa, “Say that again in english.”

Kiros, “Laguna is an idea.”

Laguna, “ One? I am all the ideas! Give me a little more credit.”

Tifa, “That means?”

Laguna, “ I am a muse... “ with a smile.

Tifa stares at him for a moment looks to kiros. Kiros nods affirming this.

Tifa, “ This is too much, “ as she drinks her beer down.

Kiros, “ Poor Tifa met the voice of god, a dead man, and a muse. Be gentle with her.”

Tifa, “ So you inspire people?”

Laguna, “Yeah. Like I was the one who gave your friends the idea to sing ‘ Otherworld’ from Final Fantasy X.”

Kiros, “Or the boys would in body bags on their way to the morgue.”

Tifa, “You made them sing?”

Laguna, “ Naw... I gave them an idea and they took it.”

Tifa, “ But their so stupid. I wouldn’t even leave them alone with a box of matches.”

Laguna, “Stupid people are the most open to suggestion. Its the smart people who don’t take to ideas so well.”

Kiros, “Amen brother!”

Tifa, “ Try and give me an idea.”

Laguna, “ If I do, I would only prove you were an idiot.”

Tifa, “ Okay. never mind then! So what kind of people did you help?”

Laguna, “I work with the arts. Writing, theater, movies... Etc.”

Tifa, “ Movies?”

Laguna, “ I do it all except screw the people on the casting couch.”

Tifa, “ What movies did you help make?”

Laguna, “ Too many to keep track off. I am responsible for the nine of the top grossing films of all time.”

Tifa, “ Only nine?”

Laguna, “ That movie about the kid leftne one on Christmas is not my work. Only satan could have got that piece of shit popular.”

Kiros, “ Why are you stripping? Not that I’m complaining... “

Laguna, “ First, do you remember why I left?”

Kiros, “ You wanted credit for your work.”

Laguna, “I was so tired of my brilliant ideas going to people and them fucking it up. so I quit and tried to go solo. I was given a body, fifty bucks, and was sent out to make my fortune.”

Tifa, “ What went wrong?”

Kiros, “ I bet he got writer's block!”

Laguna nods, “ Yeah. Isn’t that a bitch! I, a former muse of ideas, can’t even write a grocery list.”

Tifa, “ But you gave Cid and Silent Vincent a great idea.”

Laguna, “The clincher of the cosmic joke. I can give anyone a zillion plus infinity ideas but I can’t keep any for myself. She has such a funky sense of humor.”

Tifa, “ She?”

Laguna, “God of course.”

Tifa, “ I thought god was a male.”

Laguna, “ Hello! God is a woman. Not my fault people who hold the pens, who happen to be all stupid as hell, decided god has to be a male. That gets so annoying. I keep telling them God is a woman but they never listen!”

Kiros, “ Plus you can’t get off!”

Laguna, “Oh hush, Kiros. “ To Tifa, “ The high priests couldn’t stand the idea of a woman lording over all mankind. So She became a He. That is not all. Whole bible is gender biased. Like a woman is responsible for the first sin. Or a woman cutting off Samson’s hair and making him a wimp. The woman is the biggest villain, bigger then Egyptians or the Romans combined.”

Tifa can’t get over the idea of God being a woman.

Laguna, “It shouldn’t be a big surprise. Women are the only gender to create life, like God created the universe. Mother is patient with her children, much like God is with mankind. A woman can give birth and nurture both sexes, and is only gender both sexes can be comfortable around. Both genders feel comfortable with God. In time of trial, we always seek God, like a child seeks a mother.”

Tifa, “That makes perfect sense!”

Kiros, who is impressed, “ Damn.. you still got a way with speeches.”

Laguna, “ I know!”

Kiros, “ But why stripping?”

Laguna sighs, “An effort to be creative on my own. Though, I have only fooled myself into believing any of this was an artistic expression of my body. But it paid the rent. Problem is there: dance leaves nothing behind you can savor. Not like painting or poems which one can enjoy long after the creator of it dies. The irony is killing me.”

Kiros, “ When are you gonna give up?”

Laguna, “ I thought about it. But the idea of crawling back is too much. Though I am tired of this half way crap! I wanna have genitals. I have to keep the body clean and trim, might as well be able to have pleasure also. “ Whispers to tifa, “I would love to have an orgasm someday even if I do look stupid.”

Kiros, “ Hey, we could use your help. We need some good ideas and you are only guy who can make them up. You recall zack and Sephiroth?”

Laguna, “ One used to be the Angel of death and the other has a leather fetish.”

Kiros, “ They found the old loophole.”

Laguna in shock, “ On no.. not that Plenary Indulgence loop hole?!”

Tifa, “ You know about it?”

Laguna, “I always hated it! But.. go figure the Catholics to destroy existence as we know it.”

Kiros, “ Tifa is a catholic.”

Laguna, “ Well, no one is perfect.”

Tifa, “ Why do you hate catholic church?”

Laguna, “ Catholics turn religion into a burden. Like bad sex: Up down, up down, kneell, and leave. Whole time you are not even listening. Catholics mourn it like some run over dog. People should be celebrating it.”

Tifa, “ If the catholic religion is wrong, which one is right?”

Laguna, “It is not about right or wrong. It is really all about faith and that you believe. Plus it helps not to bore people to death.”

Cid and Silent Vincent come back wearing bandanna just like the gang members. Both of them with huge grins on their faces.

Cid, “ They made us members of their gang!”

Suddenly the backdoor blasts open as something stands in strange dim light. The vapors around this creature is brown with a septic smell.

Figure, “I am Heidegger. You shit.. therefor I am.”

The heroes stare with open eyes. That is when Cid smells the air.

Cid, “ Someone crap their pants?”

Laguna, “Sweet lord... someone wants you dead bad!”

Tifa, “ Huh? What is that?!”

Kiros, “ That is a shit monster!”

Laguna, “ I think the smell is a dead give away.”

Tifa, “A what?”

Kiros, “ A Golgothan or shit demon.”

The Monster shuffles out of the doorway towards the heroes.

Heidegger, “ Come... face your death. “ he gurgles.

The gang join the others as they all cover the noses from the disgusting smell that seems to fill the room from the Heidegger shit monster.

Barret, “ Your friend?”

Cid, “ Hell no! That smelly mother fucker is trying to attack us!”

Kiros, “ He is after Tifa.”

Cid, “ Go smoke his ass!”

Barret, “ I knew I was gonna kill something! Lets go kill that fucker!”

The gang charge the Heidegger monster quite bravely. Their guns go blazing. Then the creature attacks. Screams and wet slurps fill the air. The group stand in shock as the Heidegger monster kills the gang effortlessly. The gang lay dead around Heidegger, covered in crap. Their faces frozen in terror. Heidegger wipes some crap off barret and eats it. Doesn’t notice the group’s slow retreat.

Cid, “Does that make me gang leader?”

Tifa, “ What just happened?!?!”

Laguna, “Go to the bar. We might have a chance if we can hide. Maybe he will forget about us. He has shit for brains.”

Cid, “I think shit is all he is made of.”

Kiros, “Anyway to take him down?”

Laguna, “ We can always ask the gang he just killed?”

Kiros, “ Lets get outta here!”

They dash for safety. The Heidegger monster sees them and lobs a pile of shit at them. heroes duck behind the bar as the glob of shit misses them. It hits the mirror and seems to cover it. The blob like matter burns the mirror like an acid. Cid was horrified by this.

Cid, “God damn that is fucking strong shit!”

Laguna pulls at a trap door in the floor, “Get inside!”

Tifa, Kiros, Cid, Silent Vincent, leap inside. Laguna follows them in and pulls the door shut. They hide in the basement.

Cid, “ What the hell was that?!”

Laguna, “ You ever hear of Golgotha?”

Tifa, “ That is the hill where Christ died.”

Laguna looks up nervous, “Alot of criminals died there also. The Romans loved to use the spot to crucify people. When people died, their bowels would loosen. The result is that pile of crap. He is hell’s top assassin and he wants to kill Tifa.”

Cid stares at the floorboards above their heads as some shit drips through.

Tifa, “He is going to come through any moment!”

Laguna, “Heidegger has a short attention span. Maybe he might go away.”

The drops of shit soon turn into a steady stream.

Kiros, “ I don’t think he is forgetting us.”

Laguna, “ Jump!!”

They leap off the stairs as the door explodes in a torrent of crap that covers the stairs. The body of Heidegger Reforms anew. The group try to regain their bearings and crawl backward.

Laguna, “ Time to say our prayers and die...”

Silent Vincent was staring in fear at this Heidegger monster. Then an idea comes to him. He stands his place as the others keep backing up.

Tifa, “Vincent, get down!”

Cid, “ No, you damn vampire! Get ya ass back here! Don’t be a hero!”

Silent Vincent stands his ground in the demon’s path. Heidegger snarls a mean grin as he moves towards Silent Vincent. Vincent reaches into his coat and pulls out a small canister. He points it at Heidegger and sprays a mist at its face. The creature pauses and drops to the floor. Tifa, Kiros, Laguna and Cid climb to the feet and cheer Silent Vincent. Look to the fallen Heidegger and back at Silent Vincent.

Tifa reads the canister out loud, “ Glade Air freshener. Knocks out strong odors.”

Kiros, “ Way to go, vamp!”

Tifa, “ But why have air freshener?”

That answer comes quickly as Cid farts. Silent Vincent sprays it behind Cid. The others just stare at Cid.

Cid, “What the hell you freaking about now?!”

Kiros looks at Laguna, “Who hantrontrol over this thing?”

Laguna, “ Only Lucifer can make it follow orders. But this thing never leaves hell!”

Kiros, “Think you can interrogate it?”

Laguna with a grin, “Try me.”

Cid, “ I wanna see this!”

Laguna, “ Bad idea! That demon can fuck up the simple minded.”

Cid, “Hey I’m not fucking stupid! See? Me and Vinnychan can talk to him in the ultimate language there is!” Gives universal metal sigh, “Everyone knows this!”

Laguna just sighs and looks to Kiros, “Whoever sent this is not playing nice. Better get going before his back up arrives.” Looks at Tifa, “I am going to get to know Heidegger and I’ll get back to you.”

Tifa, “ Thanks. By the way, you were a great stripper.”

Laguna, “I’m a better singer.” Looks at Cid and Silent Vincent, “ Will you two start acting like prophets and start foreseeing trouble before it comes!”

Cid to Tifa, “Why the hell are we getting grief?”

Laguna, “ Just protect Tifa. Now go!”

Tifa takes the boys upstairs leaving Laguna alone with Kiros.

Cid, “Damn.. that guy is sure bitchy.”

Tifa, “ Laguna said if you behave, you will both get blow jobs.”

Cid, “ Really?!”

Tifa, “ No. You are very gullible. That demon would play you bad.”

Laguna and Kiros watch them go.

Cid can be heard saying, “Shut the fuck up!”

Laguna, “I like her!”

Kiros, “ She has good breeding in her.”

Laguna, “Have you told her anything about who she is?”

Kiros, “ Not yet.”

Laguna, “ She looks alot like him. From the eyes to the lips....”

Kiros, “ And the nails!”

Laguna smacks Kiros and laughs. Kiros also laughs as the lean against each other a moment.

Laguna, “ Stop spreading thy Blaspheme “ with a grin.

The creature grumbles.

Laguna sighs, “ You better go.”

Kiros hugs him, “Be careful “ and leaves him alone.

Laguna looks at Heidegger, “ Okay shit head. Time to wake up and talk.”


~ go to chapter 5 ~