Scandal

~*Part 5*~


I opened my eyes, and the bright flourescent light instantly assaulted them. I clenched them shut quickly as I threw an arm over my eyes to cease the glare that was glowing through my eyelids. I could feel the dull ache in the back of my head.

While lying there, I evaluated the situation.

I couldn’t see at the moment, and there wasn’t much to hear, but by the smell of aesthetics and cleaners, I knew I was in the Esthar hospital. Meaning, that someone found me after that embarrassing (What the HELL was I THINKING?!) battle. That Elnoyle had me wrapped around its purple claw.

Bastard.

I totally misjudged that fight to the last hit. My overconfidence, pride, and other emotions that walk right along beside those two, were my downfall. Instead of looking at the damn battle, realizing that this wasn’t an ordinary monster and calling Shiva, I decided to play with the damned thing.

Boy! Was that ever a mistake.

You know, I think it’s times like these that are humbling. Embarrassing, but humbling. I won’t do that again, and I realize that I am only human. I’m not invincible, and I can be killed. So I’m hurt, but they are probably millions out there that have, are, and will be hurt in their lives. So my life has been exceptionally weird, and unusual as lives go, but again I’’m being selfish. Only considering my own needs.

That’s probably why they left. They wanted to talk to me, make it better, but I just brushed them off, and they felt like bad friends because they couldn’t do more. Finally doing what I wanted, they left, and I went and tried to kill myself.

It wasn’t on purpose.

But it may as well have been.

That had to be one of the most singularly stupid things I have ever done. Well~l, other than that time I . . . er . . . oh never mind! I don’t even want to think about that.

Now I can say that the alcohol hazed any logical thought, which it did, but I still should know that drinking and battling do not go toer. er. I should have admitted that I had a little too much to drink, and that I didn’t have a clear enough mind for battle. Especially when I have been out of training for the past…… little while.

I still didn’t move when I heard the click of the door opening. I listened as I heard footsteps, light, but not tiptoeing, walk into the room. By the scent of vanilla that wafted towards my nose, clashing with the bitter smell of a hospital, I knew that it was a woman.

“Squall? Are you awake?” I heard Quistis’ voice as she walked around to the side of my bed, her soft fingertips gently poking my arm on my eyes. I simply grunted, not moving otherwise.

“Could you please turn the light off? I don’t want to go blind yet.” I muttered, and I heard Quistis quickly go to the door and shut the overhead light off with a ‘click’. I carefully pealed my arm away as my eyes adjusted to the darkness.

“Better?” Quistis asked as she came back to my side, and snapped the lamp beside the bed on. I sighed, and nodded as I stared at the ceiling. I wasn’t sure what to say now. It’s pretty pathetic when you’re 27 years old, and you still act like a 5-year-old. That’s what I’ve been acting like all this time. A stupid, naive 5-year-old.

There was silence as Quistis sat beside me and I stared at the ceiling, but watching her from the corner of my eye. She was watching me while sitting on the orange plastic chair that had its back to the wall. She looked tired, and weary, but immensely relieved. Her white shirt was slightly wrinkled, as were her navy pants. She looked as if she had been sitting there for quite a while.

“Do you have anything to say for yourself?” Quistis finally asked, and I couldn’t help, but sigh. I could her the Instructor, now Headmistress, tone creeping into her voice, like she was about to lecture me. Much like she use to do when Seifer and I had fought or had gotten into some other kind of trouble.

“It was a smart monster?” I offered dryly. I knew that it wouldn’t work, even if it was true. I swear; I’m going to go out there as soon as I can, and find that monster to kick its ass. I’ll use its corpse to -

“A smart monster, Squall? Or just a dumb action?” Quistis retorted as she crossed her arms. Her scowl was deep, and I could feel the sparks flying at me from her eyes. “Tell me, Squall. How would you feel if you came back to find the place empty with no note or anything telling us where you are. Then all of a sudden we get a call from the hospital telling us that they have you in Intensive Care, because you’re in a coma and pretty badly banged up. How would you feel?” Quistis asked, her face taunt in anger as she leaned over me.

I said nothing. That’s pretty much what I had done, and I wasn’t proud of it, but what could I say in my defense? I already tried the excuse of it being a smart monster. I think I’ll get slapped, or something drastic, if I offer it again.

It was stupid. I know that now, but it’s a little late, isn’t it?

“Getting down here, and finding you pale, knocked out, and possibly never to wake up again! Then the doctors told us that they had found alcohol in your bloodstream, that it could be part of the reason that you are here and so badly banged up! You wanted us to leave, and we did, but then you went out and did this! Do you want us to baby-sit you?” She was practically yelling now. I knew I had to calm her down before she went completely hysterical.

“No.” I answered her last question, ignoring the pain from the stiffness that shot through me as I sat up. She came instantly to my side as I did so. Pushing pillows to aid me as I hissed at the tinges of pins and needles that shot through me in various places that had fallen asleep.

“Squall, what do you want us to do? We left you alone like you wanted, but then you did this? What do you want?” Quistis asked as she sat on the bed, and held my hand. Her fingers tracing the lines on my palm, comforting me.

“I want it to stop hurting, and I want to be loved.” I answered truthfully. That’s what I wanted. I wanted it to stop hurting, and I wanted to be loved. To be loved for who I am, not what everyone wants me to be, makes me be. I just want to feel wanted.

“Oh Squall. I love you. We all do. Why do you think we freaked out?” She asked as she hugged me. I reached to hug her in return as she held me close. I sighed, inhaling her vanilla scent.

That’s when I felt the tears start to fall. I let them go freely as a sob wracked my body. Quistis crawled farther onto the bed, and pulled me to her. I cried as she rocked me back and forth, calming me and cooing at me as if I were a young child.

I needed the affection. The comfort. I needed those few moments of bliss where I felt loved, and cared for. I knew that she did, and always would. Now I don’t doubt it. It wasn’t the same love Rinoa gave me, but it was enough. Quistis loved me even though I was fucked up, even though I wasn’t perfect. She didn’t care. She loved me anyway. Just as much as I loved her.

At least a half an hour passed before I had successfully ceased my crying. Quistis reached over by the lamp, and pulled a few tissues from the box before handing it to me. I took some, and blew my nose, whiping my tears away as I gently pulled away from Quistis.

“Sorry about the emotional breakdown.” I muttered, blinking to get rid of the tears that clung to my eyelashes. My voice was raspy from the sobs, and I took the glass of water Quistis offered me gratefully, when she returned from the washroom.

“No need to apologise, Squall. It’s normal, and you need to get it out. It isn’t healthy to keep it all in. That’s why we are here, Squall. Friends are for talking to.” Quistis reassured me while brushing my unruly hair back. I gave her a small smile. The first one in weeks, and she returned it in relief.

“How long have I been out?” I asked, giving a quick glance around the room. However long I’ve been here, I was planning on leaving as soon as possible.

“Close to 6 days.”

“What?!” I asked, blinking. That was a long time for a little bonk on the head. I didn’t think it was that serious. I guess that explains her worry lines.

“You had a concussion, and you had a bit of swelling in the brain. The doctors were able to fix that all up, including all your physical injuries, in 2 days, but you still didn’t wake up. They thought that because of your depression, you were happy with the absence of everything and just wanted to get away and rest. They weren’t sure if you would ever wake up.” Quistis said, and I could hear her voice crack near the end. It had been painful for her. I didn’t mean to scare anyone.

“I’m sorry.” I murmured as I pulled her into a hug. She was one of my best friends. I never wanted to hurt her. To think, I hurt her while hurting myself.

Is that true friendship?

“I guess I never really wanted to be left alone. I got depressed and bored, drank, and then went out monster hunting. The monster was tough, I was out of it, and I guess I basically really fucked up.” I explained, half snorting at my own stupidity. Certainly not one of my better moments.

“I’m sorry we left, Squall. Seifer thought that some time to yourself would help. He was getting tired of your silence; we all were. We though that maybe a little fear about being left alone may help - we intended to return.” Quistis said, wrapping her arms around my neck as I closed my eyes and leaned my forehead against her shoulder.

“It’s not your fault, and it worked. It really got me thinking. I do need you all. More than I think I’ll ever truly admit, but I need you. Especially now.” I whispered, and she hugged me tighter.

“Get some rest, Squall. The doctors will want to look you over tomorrow. Then we can go home.” Quistis said as she helped me lie down. I sighed, and curled back into the covers. She tucked me in, and I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at her motherly ways, but I was comforted by her care.

I never remembered my mother, but Quistis was a good replacement at t. I . I love her, and I will never stop. I never did, and I never would.

“‘Night, Squall.” She whispered, kissing my cheek. Between her ministrations, and her comforting presence, it didn’t take long for the darkness of rest to embrace me.

It was then I wondered at how much I love her.


~*@*~


I let out a large sigh of relief when I was back in the palace. Laguna was right behind me. The doctors had looked me over, poked, prodded, and basically done every possible test to make sure I was in good condition. I felt fine, and I told them so, but since I was the president’s son, they didn’t want to mess up. Better to be safe then sorry.

Really. Who would want the president on their ass for not doing their job?

Not to mention, Laguna was a scary person when he was angry. He’s usually quite happy and doesn’t get angry often or easily, but when he does . . . oh boy! I had been on the receiving end once, and I did not want to repeat the experience.

Quistis had left, and told the doctors that I had awoken, but was resting. I had slept really well that night, and awoke with Laguna at my side, not to mention a doctor. Laguna and I didn’t have a chance to speak before nurses came in - taking blood, taking my temperature, and doing other tests to verify my condition.

I watched Laguna, feeling guilty for what I had done to them; for what I had put them through. He was sitting, watching, but I could see the relief in his eyes. There were dark circles under them from lack of sleep. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he had been up worrying about me.

They really know how to make me feel guiltier without even saying a word.

It wasn’t till we were in the car when Laguna and myself finally got a chance to talk. I didn’t say anything, because I was lost in my own thoughts. I wanted to say something. I wanted to let him know I was sorry, but I wasn’t sure how he would react, or what he would say. I wanted to say something that was meaningful, and let him know that I still cared and that I was sorry.

“I’m sorry.” My father spoke as we drove down the road. I snapped my head to look at the side of his face, blinking. He was sorry. Sorry for what? What did he do? I was the one who was supposed to be sorry. He was supposed to be angry at me for my actions, but relieved that I was alive and okay for the most part. I was the guilty one!

Right?

“I’m sorry I failed you Squall. I should have been there. I should have pushed you to talk about it instead of letting you hide. I should have been there before, when I knew you and Rinoa were falling apart. I should have voiced my concerns about you two marrying. I should have made you see that you didn’t have to be a certain way. You shouldn’t have had to marry Rinoa just to make other people happy. I should have showed you that your own happiness means more than anyone else’s. I failed you as a father.” He said, and I noticed tears were welling up in his eyes. I felt my guilt increase ten fold. He blamed himself for my mistakes.

“God dad.” I choked, leaning my elbow on the armrest of the door. Holding a fist to my mouth as I controlled my anger, sadness, and guilt at his words. I took deep breaths to control the strong emotions that threatened to burst.

“I am sorry Squall. I missed the first 17 years of your life, and then I screwed up the last 10 when I had actually been there. Maybe I should give up, eh?” Laguna said, his voice tight as a tear ran down his cheek as he stopped to let a person cross the street.

“What about me?” I asked, reaching out to brush the tear off his cheek. He looked at me, questioningly. “What happened is not your fault. You’ve been the best father ever, and you’re proving it right now. Yes, things are screwed. Especially me at the moment, but I’ll eventually heal. It hurts, and I’m willing to admit that I need help. Just don’t hurt yourself because you think you failed me. Maybe you have at times, but I’ve failed you too. No one’s perfect.” I said, smiling at the irony of my statement. I used to be so bent on perfection, and it seems that Laguna wants it as much as I do at times.

Maybe we were more alike than we knew.

“Squall . . .” Laguna started to protest as he took a left turn. I wouldn’t hear it.

“Dad. You weren’t there while I grew up. You weren’t there every time I needed you in the past few years. You didn’t stop me in making the worst, and probably most memorable, mistake of my life, but it is just as much my fault as it is yours. I’m not perfect, and neither are you. We weren’t there for each other when we needed to be.” I interrupted him. I looked at him, and he glanced my way. “But I need you now, dad.” I murmured, fighting tears that threatened to spill over.

“Oh Squall . . .” Was all the warning I got before the car was parked on the side of the street with a screech, and I was wrapped in a tight hug. I returned it in earnest as I silently started to cry into his warm shoulder.

I always considered crying a weakness, but I always feel strong and relieved when I do. I figured that emotions were weaknesses. Just another misconception, I suppose. Whatever it is, I don’t plan to stop this sort of release. I always feel so much better when I do.

“That’s right. Let it out. You can’t keep it all inside forever, and I’m here for you now. No more running. No more denying. No more punishing yourself for whatever reasons you have. You are perfect the way you are, and we all love you for it. Don’t let anyone break you.” I could hear the tears in my father’s voice as I latched onto him.

I’m not sure how long we sat on the side of the road as cars passed us. He held me close, and rubbed my back as my sobs subsided. I could feel his tears drop down my cheek from time to time. I never meant to hurt him, but hurting myself seemed to hurt him. I don’t fully understand why, but I guess I would feel the same if Laguna tried to kill himself because that was practically what I had done. I would be angry if any my friends did.

Another of those human tendencies that I never properly learned growing up. All this family and friend thing is still new to me. Even if I have had it for a decade. I feel like a child sometimes, and I’m close to thirty.

Kinda pathetic, don’t you think?

“Okay. Let’s go back. The gang was worried about you.” Laguna said, as he pulled away and wiped at his eyes. I sniffled, and wiped at my nose with a knuckle. Laguna then handed me a tissue, which I took gratefully.

“Thanks. I don’t think I’ve ever cried so much in my life.” I muttered, before blowing my nose. I then remember the time as a child in the rain. “Actually, I did once when I was around 7 when Ellone left. The climax of my childhood. Everything went downhill after that.” I sighed, shaking my head.

“You’re not going to be abandoned again. I plan to stay with you forever. Or at least till the decision is taken out of my hands, but that is not going to be for a long~g time. I can promise that.” Laguna said, ruffling my hair as I instantly swatted his hand away and tried to tame my hair again. I glared at him while he laughed. “Let’s get back.” Laguna smiled and I returned it, feeling much better.

I think my healing process started that day.

The servant took my father’s jacket as we came in. I didn’t have one, but waited for my father, who smiled with reassurance as we walked to one of the main living rooms where I could hear voices.

I was hesitant because I was afraid of their anger. Their disapproving looks. The pity, and everything else. I hurt them, and I was ashamed of myself for that. I didn’t mean to hurt them. I was selfish in only considering myself when I acted. Something like that, I was affecting everyone - not just myself.

“Squall!!!” Ellone wailed as she ran to me when I entered the room behind my father. He moved out of the way so I could be seen, and Ellone promptly latched herself onto me. I smiled and embraced my sis. “I was so worried about you, little brother.” She whispered in my ear.

I wasn’t her brother in blood, but in every other way, the important attachments, made us siblings. Blood didn’t matter, and far as I was concerned she would always be my sis. Just like Laguna would forever treat her as a daughter. She was apart of our family, just like the gang was. We were all attached with bonds that some blood-relations could never match.

“I’m okay now, big sis.” I whispered in return. She pulled away, and looked into my eyes. She smiled, but shook her head.

“You’re not okay yet, but you are starting. It will be okay, and then much better soon. Time heals, Squall.” She replied, and I knew she used her empathy powers. Ellone was right. Not everything was okay, but I knew that it would soon be.

“Time, friends, family and fun heals anything, man.” Zell said as he came up beside Ellone. I looked at him, slightly wary of his next reaction. He voice was fairly monotone when he spoke, so I wasn’t sure what he was feeling.

“Zell . . . I’m - ” I started, turning to him as Ellone took a step back. I didn’t have a chance to continue because I was suddenly embraced by the short, strong spiky blond.

“You’re okay, that’s all that matters.” Zell said into my ear as he pulled away. His lover, Raijin came up beside him, and thumped me on the back.

“It’s good to see you’re all right, ya know!” Raijin said, as I patted his shoulder as I coughed a little at his over enthusiasm. He was a big man. I gave him a small smile as he moved away to let the other black man come to me.

“I could tell you a great many things right now, But I think you’ve already heard them and don’t want to hear them, or will eventually be told. However, whether you like it or not, I going to say something. You are like a son to me. You hurt yourself, you hurt Laguna, and then you hurt me. Not to mention everyone else. Hurting yourself is not the answer.” Kiros said, simply. He was always the voice of reason.

“Thanks Kiros, and whether you like it or not. I treat you like you’re my other father. I just don’t ask me to call you ‘dad’, or ‘father’, okay? One’s enough.” I said, joking and he smiled as he pulled me into a hug that I easily returned. Kiros had always been like another father. Ward was more like an Uncle, but I treated them both as family. Much like everyone else did.

“If you did, I would probably kill you, but it’s good to see that sense of humour’s still there.” Kiros threatened with an air of teasing as he released me. With one nod, and a pat on the shoulder, he moved on to let the next person through.

The people left were Quistis, who already bitched me out and held me. She gave me a nod, and a relived smile as I looked at her. Laguna, whom I also had been lectured and shown care by, and last but not least, Seifer.

Seifer, who was probably still angry at me for earlier, and more so now.

I raised my eyes to the glowing jade ones across the room. He stood there stiff, and tall. I could feel the waves of negativity practically shoot at me. He was angry, relieved, pissed, frustrated, yet concerned. I could read that all on his face, and in his eyes,

People say I’m moody.

Ha!

I couldn’t help the nervousness that waved over me. I shifted my hips, and crossed my arms as I stared back at Seifer, emotionlessly. I blinks his his eyes narrowed. The room was quiet as we engaged in a staring - or rather glaring - contest. I could see his hands curling and uncurling into fists as we watched one-another.

Then without any word from anyone, Seifer approached me. I titled my face to look up at him because he was - and always would be - 6 inches taller. Not fair if you ask me, but he stood close enough that if I looked straight I could see my reflection on his silver collar necklace. It’s a nice necklace, but I want to see his face, and emotions, not his possession.

“What the hell were you thinking?” He asked, finally and the tension in the room seemed to increase as I scowled. I didn’t have an answer to that because I wasn’t even fully sure myself, why I had done it.

“I wanted to go out?” I shrugged, making it a question. That was the best thought I had to my reasoning. Seifer didn’t seem satisfied, or pleased with my answer.

“And hopefully get yourself killed at the same time, I suppose.” He growled, and I had to look away. That wasn’t my purpose, but maybe subconsciously that’s what I was doing. In my drink-hazed mind I saw it as an answer to my pain. Just to end it all.

I didn’t answer as I looked out the window. I couldn’t deny it, but I couldn’t say it was my intention either. Both were lies, and I didn’t want to lie. Not now.

“What happened, Squall?” Seifer asked softly as his fingers went under my chin and turned my face back to his. His jade eyes not as stern anymore, but more scared, vulnerable, and beseeching.

“I got drunk, and decided to go out and kill monsters. I haven’t trained in a long time, and I didn’t use Shiva and cured myself at bare minimum. I think I was punishing myself for my weaknesses. Punishing myself for not being perfect because everyone left me. Rinoa, and then everyone else kinda followed. All reminding me how I was abandoned so long ago.”” I said, somewhat wistfully. To think that Ellone leaving me made such a impression on my life. I was a child, and I thought I had been abandoned, thus creating my fear of being left alone again.

“I’m sorry.” Seifer replied after a few moments of silence settled between us. I looked at him and gave a crooked smile.

“Everyone keeps saying that they’re sorry, but I’m the one that should - and am - sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone, but myself. Though when hurting myself, I hurt the ones closest to me.” I frowned, letting my arms fall to my sides.

“Yes, because we aren’t sure if we could live without you. Promise not to do it again.” Seifer demanded, also pulling me into a hug that I gratefully returned.

“I promise.” I rolled my eyes as he pulled away a little, but still holding me in his arms. He scowled, and his hands on my hips tightened causing me to squirm.

“You better mean it Leonhart, or I will personally kill you and feed you to the monsters next time.” He snarled, his jade eyes narrowed, but they were laughing.

“Yes sir!” I saluted as I clicked my heels together, and straightened my back. “You see, unlike you, I follow orders.” I added smugly, which earned me a pinch on my side, right under the rib causing me toe a e a little, rather unmanly squeal.

Seifer was the only one to know I was ticklish, and knew the exact spots. He liked to torture me relentlessly because of it. I really wished he hadn’t found it. He was the only one that found out. Not even Rinoa knew of it, and she was my ex-wife. Funny how little we did know about each other.

“Seifer!!!” I hollered as he laughed, still not releasing me. He wasn’t ticklish, or at least to my knowledge. I hadn’t found his sensitive points yet, other than his left arm in battles, but that was only when we were sparring. He knew that my right knee wasn’t strong, so we were even on the field, but not off.

“Still ticklish, I see. Well since you are out of practice, maybe we should go out for some sparring a little later, eh? Can’t have my rival, my nemesis, and the one who defeated mttintting lazy.” Seifer exclaimed, and I wholeheartedly agreed. I missed our little duels.

“A matter of pride, is it?” I asked, arching an eyebrow.

“You could say that, but I more inclined to say it’s to prove that I am indeed better.” Seifer shrugged, sounding careless. I scowled and placed my hands on my hips.

“Whatever.” I snorted, and Seifer chuckled, shaking his head.

“You never change.” Seifer sighed, and before I could retort, Seifer lips were on mine.

The lips didn’t linger, but it had an intent. It wasn’t a brief or stutile kiss. Not a quick peck, but not a deep, passionate one either. I could feel Seifer’s nose brush my cheek, and his lips move gently over mine with his eyes closed. I could smell Seifer spicy cologne mixed with his musky scent as it filled my nose. I could feel his muscles move under my hands as I touched his chest. I barely realized that I had responded.

He then pulled away, and smirked. His jade eyes glowing with an emotion that I couldn’t quite put my finger on, because I had never seen it before. The kiss may have lasted only 10 to 15 seconds, but to me it was an eternity, and I didn’t understand the feelings that were suddenly washing over me. Seifer had only intended it to be a comforting, brotherly kiss. Not one of a lover.

Then why did I feel so disorientated?

Seifer has always been bi-sexual. His interest in men was apparent from the day he started getting interested in sex. I had never been on any of his lists of sexual interest, but I had often been curious about how it would be to be with another man, let alone a woman.

I did often wonder at times, especially after certain dreams that he and I starred in, if I hadn’t been with Rinoa and he hadn’t been with Quistis, would we have been together. We were friends, but if I hadn’t been with Rinoa, he wouldn’t have gotten together with Quistis and maybe we would have shared something more than friendship.

I did often wonder what would have happened if I never refused Quistis. I sometimes wonder if she only said she loved me like a brother because I showed interest in Rinoa. My very first interest in sex at all. Maybe even we would have been together.

Though now it didn’t matter.

They were married, and I was divorced. They were happy together and I was not going to dwell on ‘what if’s’. They were together and happy while I still tumbling towards misery, begging for happiness. They were my best friends, and I wasn’t going to destroy what we had because of dreams, curiosity, or just plain because I was lonely.

I think Seifer probably just saw that I needed comfort, and gave me a kiss to show me that I wasn’t alone. That he was there for me, and he would never leave me again. A comforting kiss; a purely platonic kiss.

Wasn’t it?

“Let’s grab some lunch! I’m starving!” Zell exclaimed, and his stomach promptly growled in response. Everyone laughed, interrupting the somewhat tense moment that had been created because of Seifer’s and my kiss.

“You’re always hungry, ya know?” Raijin muttered, shaking his head. I knew there was a story to go with this, but I was too busy trying to decipher my feelings on what had just happened. Seifer was my best friend, Quistis’ husband, who was also my best friend. I shouldn’t be so surprised that he would offer comfort.

But it had been so . . . arousing.

As we sat for lunch I talked, and joked with the rest, but I often found my gaze wandering to Seifer. He would occasionally catch my gaze, and give a smile before going back to teasing and joking with the others.

I found myself re-evaluating my feelings for Seifer, and becoming more lost than when I started. I couldn’t figure out what I was feeling.

What had happened there?


~*TBC*~