Vincent's Horrid Poetry Hour
folder
Final Fantasy VII › General
Rating:
Adult
Chapters:
9
Views:
1,007
Reviews:
30
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
Final Fantasy VII › General
Rating:
Adult
Chapters:
9
Views:
1,007
Reviews:
30
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Final Fantasy VII, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Everyone Dies Part 3
Authors' Note: We're back! Now with three horrible poems for the price of one. Thanks to those who rate and review. By the way, we do take suggestions from our reviewers so if you have any ideas sock em' to us. Now, enjoy watching Final Fantasy VII characters die for no apparent reason.
YUFFIE
A teen sat at a bar
Cloud: Are a priest and a rabbi there too?
Staring in her glass
Holding a small vile
As she remembered her lover
The ex Turk Vincent Valentine
Cid: Vincent, you cradle robber, you!
Vincent: Jealous?
She looked at the ruby liquid
Yuffie: Mmmm… NyQuil.
Inside the vile
And poured it inside her drink
Tifa: Oh, drink it straight up, you pansy. You’re worse than Cloud.
Cloud: (looks down at his Rainbow Melon Starburst cocktail and blushes)
She looked inside it
As the clear mixed with red
And then drank the fluid
And put the glass down
First Vincent had died
Killed by Cloud
Then Cloud had killed himself
Finally Cid had been killed
Blown up on his ship
Yuffie: I just wanted to fit in with the crowd.
Aeris: And Cloud’s method of dying seemed like the one to imitate?
3 members of AVALANCHE had died
Now it would be four
Tifa: Hey, what about me? I died too.
Cloud: Maybe you’re back as a zombie.
The poison took effect
She fell to the floor
Gasping for breath
Yuffie: Shit, I thought it was Jager!
Sephiroth: One could argue that there is little difference.
While her blood was on fire
Tifa ran over
Tifa: BRAAAAAIIIIINS!!!!
But it was to late
Vincent: Yuffie had no brain.
Yuffie: And you have no materia!
Vincent: (hastily gropes his pockets) Damn it, Yuffie!
The small ninja took her last breath
And that was the end
Of Yuffie
For there she fell
For there she died
And now very few people cried
Four the fourth member of AVALANCHE had died.
Sephiroth: And she had died. Boy, had she ever died. Did we mention she died? Died, died, died.
RED 13 AND CAIT SITH
A lion like dog ran
Cid: Whatever he is he’s going to die.
Red VIII: (sigh) I was always afraid I’d die a virgin.
Trying to keep ahead
Of the monsters that followed him.
The cat on his head
Was in a panic
And so was Red 13.
Barrett: Quick, Cait Sith! Turn around and shout at them through your magical megaphone!
Cloud: Now do you see why you’re never on the team?
Cait Sith: (sulks)
Pain flashed through his flank
As claws raked his side
He could not stop for that meant his life.
A monster jumped before him
He was conerned’
He was trapped.
Red XIII: Which was like being cornered, but spelt differently.
He growled to no avail
He knew today he would die
Vincent: I think we all knew that.
But not without a fight.
Soon he was down
The fragments of Cait Sith
Lay on the ground.
Sephiroth: He’s just a robot; it’s not as if there’s a living being in there. Not exactly a tragedy.
Cid: It’s more like, “Shit, this is going to cost thousands of gil to replace.”
Cloud: But the one time you think you have the bastard killed off for good, another one pops up to take its place. I swear they breed like fucking Moogles.
Never again would the mechanical cat be a spy
Now Red 13 knew
Today he would die.
Red XIII: Alright already! I knew I was going to die when I saw my name at the top of the poem!
A man stood there shaking his head
Tifa: Where did this man come from?
Red XIII: And why did he just watch me get dismembered?
Yet another member
Of AVELANCHAVALANCHE was dead.
Cloud: Could someone dust the poem? It seems to be skipping.
End
BARRETT
He can’t hide
No matter what room he’s inside
Cloud: You could try that sailor suit disguise…
Barrett: You could go get that pretty purple dress and dance for us.
His eyes changed
He looks deranged
His girlfriend opens the door to the room
Barrett: I have a girlfriend?
Tifa: Well, you haven’t gone on any psychotic rampages lately…you’re looking good by comparison here.
And shuts it with a boom
She grabs a gun and stand in front of a child
Cid: And shoots the little fucker!
The fear she feels is only mild
Sephiroth: (singing) Sleeeeeep, in heaaavenly peace…
Cloud: That’s somehow deeply ominous.
Yuffie: Don’t you mean “deeply arousing”?
Cloud: …Shut up. I need popcorn.*
When the door is kicked down it isn’t a man she aims for
Her guy isn’t a sane man anymore
She cocks the safety and pulls the trigger
Cid: Bitch was gonna kill that –
Barrett: YOU HONKY MOTHER --
The bullet hits him in the heart as you can figure
He falls to the ground
She looks at the mound
This was a sad day
Barrett: I am…now a mound.
For there Barret lay
And there Barret died
And it was very few now that cried
For he was the second to last AVALANCHE member to have died.
End
Tifa: Is that it? Are we all dead?
Vincent awakes under the couch to Yuffie braiding his hair. With little yellow barrettes at the ends. Panicked, he throws the first thing that comes to hand, which unfortunately happens to be the raven, who revives in mid-launch quite startled and tries to grab at a secure footing, which unfortunately happens to be Yuffie’s hair.
We hurriedly fade to black amid ear-splitting screams, crashes, and the sound of something large hitting a piano.
*Popcorn- A joke used from our MST3K of Against Fate in which popcorn was a euphemism for masturbation... this story is also on the site by the way if you haven't suffered enough.
YUFFIE
A teen sat at a bar
Cloud: Are a priest and a rabbi there too?
Staring in her glass
Holding a small vile
As she remembered her lover
The ex Turk Vincent Valentine
Cid: Vincent, you cradle robber, you!
Vincent: Jealous?
She looked at the ruby liquid
Yuffie: Mmmm… NyQuil.
Inside the vile
And poured it inside her drink
Tifa: Oh, drink it straight up, you pansy. You’re worse than Cloud.
Cloud: (looks down at his Rainbow Melon Starburst cocktail and blushes)
She looked inside it
As the clear mixed with red
And then drank the fluid
And put the glass down
First Vincent had died
Killed by Cloud
Then Cloud had killed himself
Finally Cid had been killed
Blown up on his ship
Yuffie: I just wanted to fit in with the crowd.
Aeris: And Cloud’s method of dying seemed like the one to imitate?
3 members of AVALANCHE had died
Now it would be four
Tifa: Hey, what about me? I died too.
Cloud: Maybe you’re back as a zombie.
The poison took effect
She fell to the floor
Gasping for breath
Yuffie: Shit, I thought it was Jager!
Sephiroth: One could argue that there is little difference.
While her blood was on fire
Tifa ran over
Tifa: BRAAAAAIIIIINS!!!!
But it was to late
Vincent: Yuffie had no brain.
Yuffie: And you have no materia!
Vincent: (hastily gropes his pockets) Damn it, Yuffie!
The small ninja took her last breath
And that was the end
Of Yuffie
For there she fell
For there she died
And now very few people cried
Four the fourth member of AVALANCHE had died.
Sephiroth: And she had died. Boy, had she ever died. Did we mention she died? Died, died, died.
RED 13 AND CAIT SITH
A lion like dog ran
Cid: Whatever he is he’s going to die.
Red VIII: (sigh) I was always afraid I’d die a virgin.
Trying to keep ahead
Of the monsters that followed him.
The cat on his head
Was in a panic
And so was Red 13.
Barrett: Quick, Cait Sith! Turn around and shout at them through your magical megaphone!
Cloud: Now do you see why you’re never on the team?
Cait Sith: (sulks)
Pain flashed through his flank
As claws raked his side
He could not stop for that meant his life.
A monster jumped before him
He was conerned’
He was trapped.
Red XIII: Which was like being cornered, but spelt differently.
He growled to no avail
He knew today he would die
Vincent: I think we all knew that.
But not without a fight.
Soon he was down
The fragments of Cait Sith
Lay on the ground.
Sephiroth: He’s just a robot; it’s not as if there’s a living being in there. Not exactly a tragedy.
Cid: It’s more like, “Shit, this is going to cost thousands of gil to replace.”
Cloud: But the one time you think you have the bastard killed off for good, another one pops up to take its place. I swear they breed like fucking Moogles.
Never again would the mechanical cat be a spy
Now Red 13 knew
Today he would die.
Red XIII: Alright already! I knew I was going to die when I saw my name at the top of the poem!
A man stood there shaking his head
Tifa: Where did this man come from?
Red XIII: And why did he just watch me get dismembered?
Yet another member
Of AVELANCHAVALANCHE was dead.
Cloud: Could someone dust the poem? It seems to be skipping.
End
BARRETT
He can’t hide
No matter what room he’s inside
Cloud: You could try that sailor suit disguise…
Barrett: You could go get that pretty purple dress and dance for us.
His eyes changed
He looks deranged
His girlfriend opens the door to the room
Barrett: I have a girlfriend?
Tifa: Well, you haven’t gone on any psychotic rampages lately…you’re looking good by comparison here.
And shuts it with a boom
She grabs a gun and stand in front of a child
Cid: And shoots the little fucker!
The fear she feels is only mild
Sephiroth: (singing) Sleeeeeep, in heaaavenly peace…
Cloud: That’s somehow deeply ominous.
Yuffie: Don’t you mean “deeply arousing”?
Cloud: …Shut up. I need popcorn.*
When the door is kicked down it isn’t a man she aims for
Her guy isn’t a sane man anymore
She cocks the safety and pulls the trigger
Cid: Bitch was gonna kill that –
Barrett: YOU HONKY MOTHER --
The bullet hits him in the heart as you can figure
He falls to the ground
She looks at the mound
This was a sad day
Barrett: I am…now a mound.
For there Barret lay
And there Barret died
And it was very few now that cried
For he was the second to last AVALANCHE member to have died.
End
Tifa: Is that it? Are we all dead?
Vincent awakes under the couch to Yuffie braiding his hair. With little yellow barrettes at the ends. Panicked, he throws the first thing that comes to hand, which unfortunately happens to be the raven, who revives in mid-launch quite startled and tries to grab at a secure footing, which unfortunately happens to be Yuffie’s hair.
We hurriedly fade to black amid ear-splitting screams, crashes, and the sound of something large hitting a piano.
*Popcorn- A joke used from our MST3K of Against Fate in which popcorn was a euphemism for masturbation... this story is also on the site by the way if you haven't suffered enough.