Vincent's Horrid Poetry Hour
folder
Final Fantasy VII › General
Rating:
Adult
Chapters:
9
Views:
1,009
Reviews:
30
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
Final Fantasy VII › General
Rating:
Adult
Chapters:
9
Views:
1,009
Reviews:
30
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Final Fantasy VII, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Death by Onomatopoeia
We rejoin our heroes in the library, where a growing number of empty bottles have been arranged into a pyramid. Our host is nowhere in sight; the camera pans back and forth in search of him until our ears are suddenly assaulted with a ghastly cacophony of noise. We discover Vincent and Yuffie (along with the disembodied voice of Chaos) staggering back into the room, arms slung around each other’s shoulders, belting out “What Do You Do With A Drunken Demon” at full volume.
Appalled by the impending Yuffentine-ing, we hastily fade to black.
Quicksilver
note:"bang bang" refers to the shots Vincent takes to his heart .
RedXIII: Oh great, an author’s note at the beginning of a poem, not a good sign.
Those who live by the sword
Die by the sword.
The same is true for a gunman.
Vincent: …Except that he uses a gun.
Bang Bang
Cid: Uh, “bang bang” to you too.
Devastation and pain follow in my footsteps.
Death is never far behind.
Tifa: That asshole just won’t stop stalking me, and after I filed the restraining order and everything.
Piles of lead and pools of blood are my mark on the world.
Bang bang
Yuffie: As in, Chitty chitty?
A short and lonely life
Is the existence of a gunman.
That is my curse.
Bang bang
Vincent: Feuer Freil! (madly air-guitars Rammstein)
Bang bang goes the gun.
Another life is extinguished.
What have i done?
Sephiroth: You have shot someone. I would have thought that was obvious.
Bang bang
Tifa: (singing) ...bang went the trolley, whoops, wrong musical.
I should be cold in the earth by now.
But why then must I keep on living every day?
I wish for death, but it's not my own.
Yuffie: Dear Santa, I’ve been such a good girl this year… please bring me a pony, a pile of materia, and death.
Bang bang
Cloud: Tifa, can I bang-bang you?
Tifa: Don’t make me kill-kill you.
My gun is my only link to life, to mortality.
How ironic that it steals life from others
RedXIII: You keep using that word, I do not think it means what you think it means.
Just so I may live.
Bang bang
Aeris: I have a lovely recipe for bang-bang Thai shrimp…
She watches me like I'm a monster.
Is that what I am in her eyes?
Is that what I am?
Bang bang
Cloud: (singing) …bang, on the door baby! (thump thump)
All: (singing) Love shack! Baby, love shack!
Every step I take towards her
She takes two back.
She is scared of me.
Bang bang
Barrett: Sorry guys, that was me (continues firing his gun-arm at the door, trying to blow off the lock and escape)
Those green eyes pierce me.
Sephiroth: As apparently the bullets do not. How many times have you shot yourself at this point?
Why does she stare?
Sometimes she even says " I hate you"
Bang bang
Yuffie: I always thought guns went “pow pow.”
Cid: Or even “rat-tat-tat.”
Aerith: What about “pewm-pewm”?*
She peers into my eyes
Looking for something.
But she sees nothing but my gun.
Vincent: Which I naturally keep in my eye. Apparently my Crimson Mako Orbs double as a holster.
Bang bang
Tifa: Stop stop!
Vincent: Help! I’m shooting bullets out of my eyes!
An enemy has come to kill the one I love.
Sephiroth: Deliberately left unnamed for fangirl self-insertion purposes.
I have killed so many,
Can I possibly save one?
Bang bang
Yuffie: Who’s there?
Vincent: Interrupting gun.
Yuffie: Interrup –
Vincent: (fires Cerberus)
My body is pierced with the hot bullets that would have destroyed my love.
It doesn’t even hurt.
Vincent: Yes it does.
Peacefully I will die in the arms of my love.
Aeris: You know, I’m not sure that’s true.
Cloud: I really doubt that you’re actually ever going to die.
Bang bang
Sephiroth: …went the gun, and I fell with a clang clang
Yuffie: I had accidentally shot off my wang wang
Cid: I cursed, saying dang dang
Cloud: And it hurt with a pang pang
Tifa: Then the phone rang rang
She cries for me not to go.
But death calls to me,
Vincent: Death? Is that you? Oh, thank god! You’ve come to take me out of this language rape called a poem.
Which love will I choose?
Cid: Yes, which will I choose, the girl or my necrophilia?
Bang bang
Vincent: Why am I not out of bullets by now?
Her tears are hot and my hands are cold
All I can see is her sad face.
Slowly darkness takes me.
Yuffie: Take me, darkness! I’ve been saving myself for you!
Bang bang
RedXIII: Never have I suffered so at the hands of onomatopoeia.
Silence.
Death.
That is the life of a gunmen.
Bang bang
Aerith: (singing to the tune of “Hazy Shade of Winter”) Bang, bang, bang, see what’s become of me / while death proves itself an impossibility / Why can’t I seem to see?
Those who live by the sword,
Must also die by the sword.
A gunman is no different.
Vincent: …except for the minor detail that he uses a GUN!
Bang bang
Cid: Oh, fuck fuck off off.
End
Tifa: (counts the “bang bangs”) So he shot himself in the chest thirty-two times??
Red XIII: Because he can apparently neither 1) die, nor 2) realize that he cannot die.
Vincent: The combination of immortality and a suicidal disposition is tremendously inconvenient at times. …Still, one would think I could figure it out after the first eight or ten bullets to the chest.
Back in the library, where several of the characters have dragged out an ancient karaoke machine and are tormenting each other with Leonard Cohen songs, Vincent and Yuffie are once again out of sight. A quick search finds them sprawled behind the couch with Yuffie in Vincent’s arms, both very naked.
Vincent is the first to revive. Much to his horror, he discovers the identity of last night’s drunken conquest, and accidentally facepalms with his metal gauntlet, dealing himself 100 HP of damage.
*The authors debated extensively on the correct spelling of the word “pewm.” The Oxford-English dictionary was of no help.
Appalled by the impending Yuffentine-ing, we hastily fade to black.
Quicksilver
note:"bang bang" refers to the shots Vincent takes to his heart .
RedXIII: Oh great, an author’s note at the beginning of a poem, not a good sign.
Those who live by the sword
Die by the sword.
The same is true for a gunman.
Vincent: …Except that he uses a gun.
Bang Bang
Cid: Uh, “bang bang” to you too.
Devastation and pain follow in my footsteps.
Death is never far behind.
Tifa: That asshole just won’t stop stalking me, and after I filed the restraining order and everything.
Piles of lead and pools of blood are my mark on the world.
Bang bang
Yuffie: As in, Chitty chitty?
A short and lonely life
Is the existence of a gunman.
That is my curse.
Bang bang
Vincent: Feuer Freil! (madly air-guitars Rammstein)
Bang bang goes the gun.
Another life is extinguished.
What have i done?
Sephiroth: You have shot someone. I would have thought that was obvious.
Bang bang
Tifa: (singing) ...bang went the trolley, whoops, wrong musical.
I should be cold in the earth by now.
But why then must I keep on living every day?
I wish for death, but it's not my own.
Yuffie: Dear Santa, I’ve been such a good girl this year… please bring me a pony, a pile of materia, and death.
Bang bang
Cloud: Tifa, can I bang-bang you?
Tifa: Don’t make me kill-kill you.
My gun is my only link to life, to mortality.
How ironic that it steals life from others
RedXIII: You keep using that word, I do not think it means what you think it means.
Just so I may live.
Bang bang
Aeris: I have a lovely recipe for bang-bang Thai shrimp…
She watches me like I'm a monster.
Is that what I am in her eyes?
Is that what I am?
Bang bang
Cloud: (singing) …bang, on the door baby! (thump thump)
All: (singing) Love shack! Baby, love shack!
Every step I take towards her
She takes two back.
She is scared of me.
Bang bang
Barrett: Sorry guys, that was me (continues firing his gun-arm at the door, trying to blow off the lock and escape)
Those green eyes pierce me.
Sephiroth: As apparently the bullets do not. How many times have you shot yourself at this point?
Why does she stare?
Sometimes she even says " I hate you"
Bang bang
Yuffie: I always thought guns went “pow pow.”
Cid: Or even “rat-tat-tat.”
Aerith: What about “pewm-pewm”?*
She peers into my eyes
Looking for something.
But she sees nothing but my gun.
Vincent: Which I naturally keep in my eye. Apparently my Crimson Mako Orbs double as a holster.
Bang bang
Tifa: Stop stop!
Vincent: Help! I’m shooting bullets out of my eyes!
An enemy has come to kill the one I love.
Sephiroth: Deliberately left unnamed for fangirl self-insertion purposes.
I have killed so many,
Can I possibly save one?
Bang bang
Yuffie: Who’s there?
Vincent: Interrupting gun.
Yuffie: Interrup –
Vincent: (fires Cerberus)
My body is pierced with the hot bullets that would have destroyed my love.
It doesn’t even hurt.
Vincent: Yes it does.
Peacefully I will die in the arms of my love.
Aeris: You know, I’m not sure that’s true.
Cloud: I really doubt that you’re actually ever going to die.
Bang bang
Sephiroth: …went the gun, and I fell with a clang clang
Yuffie: I had accidentally shot off my wang wang
Cid: I cursed, saying dang dang
Cloud: And it hurt with a pang pang
Tifa: Then the phone rang rang
She cries for me not to go.
But death calls to me,
Vincent: Death? Is that you? Oh, thank god! You’ve come to take me out of this language rape called a poem.
Which love will I choose?
Cid: Yes, which will I choose, the girl or my necrophilia?
Bang bang
Vincent: Why am I not out of bullets by now?
Her tears are hot and my hands are cold
All I can see is her sad face.
Slowly darkness takes me.
Yuffie: Take me, darkness! I’ve been saving myself for you!
Bang bang
RedXIII: Never have I suffered so at the hands of onomatopoeia.
Silence.
Death.
That is the life of a gunmen.
Bang bang
Aerith: (singing to the tune of “Hazy Shade of Winter”) Bang, bang, bang, see what’s become of me / while death proves itself an impossibility / Why can’t I seem to see?
Those who live by the sword,
Must also die by the sword.
A gunman is no different.
Vincent: …except for the minor detail that he uses a GUN!
Bang bang
Cid: Oh, fuck fuck off off.
End
Tifa: (counts the “bang bangs”) So he shot himself in the chest thirty-two times??
Red XIII: Because he can apparently neither 1) die, nor 2) realize that he cannot die.
Vincent: The combination of immortality and a suicidal disposition is tremendously inconvenient at times. …Still, one would think I could figure it out after the first eight or ten bullets to the chest.
Back in the library, where several of the characters have dragged out an ancient karaoke machine and are tormenting each other with Leonard Cohen songs, Vincent and Yuffie are once again out of sight. A quick search finds them sprawled behind the couch with Yuffie in Vincent’s arms, both very naked.
Vincent is the first to revive. Much to his horror, he discovers the identity of last night’s drunken conquest, and accidentally facepalms with his metal gauntlet, dealing himself 100 HP of damage.
*The authors debated extensively on the correct spelling of the word “pewm.” The Oxford-English dictionary was of no help.