Blonde Ambition

"Just look at the ease in which you can … Chop up celery! Dice tomatoes! Cube Chicken without even getting your hands dirty! Cut perfect cheese for that important party!"

I'm not convinced yet.

"Not convinced yet? Well take a look at this! If you order in the next five minutes, you will not only receive the Kitchen Summon 5000, but ALSO the Kitchen Summon 1000! Like juice? Well this handy little gadget allows you to freshly squeeze all of your own juice, in seconds!"

What if I don't like juice?

"And if you don't like juice, just watch these vegetables go from ordinary to extraordinary with the touch of a button!"

Sephiroth had seen this infomercial more times than he could count. This particular night, he had been watching it in a vague, post-flu sort of consciousness for approximately twenty minutes. And it was all for what was about to happen riiight … Now!

"Watch as this poor woman suffers through the old way of chopping vegetables!" The woman took a butcher knife, and literally stabbed her own hand with it. She then clutched it to her chest in mild discomfort, "Ouch! That must have hurt!"

If Zack had been around, they both would have been in stitches.

But all alone, he only smirked, flipped off the television, and rolled over.

He listened to the hum of the ceiling fan, the waxing and waning rumble of cars every now and then, and the airy sounds of his own respiration. He was tired, and in bed, and therefore should have been asleep by all laws of nature. But sleep seemed like an impossibility with the pounding in his chest, the flexing in his toes, and the electrical activity zapping around in his brain with nowhere to go and nothing to do.

‘Must be wound up from work,’ He lied to no one in particular.

He breathed against his pillow, and closed his eyes.

Feeling uncomfortable, he unceremoniously rolled over to try the other side.

Switching polarities, he grabbed his pillow and followed behind it to the other end of the bed, laying out flat on his stomach.

General Sephiroth was a faggot. That much, he knew to be true.

But not before dating several women in his time. The last of which was a blonde haired, blue eyed train wreck named Kristen. At first she was simply a sweet girl, obviously beautiful, and it was such a relief not to have to hunt down a random date for those 'Please Bring One Guest' events. To Zack, she was a hot babe! But To a twenty-one-year-old male, that was more than enough for an extended commitment. But as time passed by, the more he revealed about his true self to her, the more she felt the need to force him into the role of the emotionless, stoic hardass.

He had to be that guy. It was fun to be that guy. He was really good at being that guy. But he never felt that he was that guy, at least not out of uniform, not with his friends, and never with her. But she insisted that Sephiroth be some sort of puzzle for her to solve. It started with small things.

He didn't like to wear underwear.

Her reason: He was sexually molested as a child.

Real reason: He liked the feel of leather against his bare ass.

He preferred not to eat red meat.

Her reason: It reminded him of dead, bloody comrades on a battlefield.

Real reason: It gave him raunchy gas, and he thought cows were fairly cute.

He liked to write freehand instead of typing.

Her reason: He expressed himself best with his own two hands, because it was the only way he could really connect with people.

Real reason: He knew his handwriting was atrocious, and was scolded all his life for it. He got sadistic pleasure from forcing people to figure out what he was trying to say.

He always wanted to be on the left side of her.

Her reason: He was a control freak, and was herding her just like troops in the war.

Real reason: He was left-handed. If there was danger, he could protect her much more easily with her on his right side.

Eventually, Kristiroth, as people like to say, had slowly transformed from a comfortable dating scenario/armchair psychology project, into an epic romance movie. She called him every single day ’just to hear his voice’. She was always waiting for gusting winds to compliment his hair and her skirt. Every time their eyes met, she would hold his and lift her eyebrows desperately. The most casual of kisses left her breathless and her bosom heaving. All they needed was a boom mic, and maybe a fucking script so he could figure out what the hell she wanted.

He soon found out. Her fingers traced over the belts on his chest as they lied together in her bed one not-so-special evening. She undid them, and kissed along the slightly indented skin of his shoulders where the leather had been hugging.

"Wanna do pizza?" He had asked softly, making a lazy motion to get up.

"Sephiroth!" She had moaned desperately, " … You're always denying yourself everything."

He had wrinkled his forehead, "Huh?"

"Why don't you ever just … "

Then she took his hand by the fingers and slipped them up her skirt. His twenty-one year old brain grinded to a dull halt. And all too quickly, clothes were coming off.

What should have been one of the most important moments of his young adulthood culminated with the most confounding and humiliating. In her bed, completely exposed for the first time ever, with both of his hands full of woman, he looked down at her expectant, makeup streaked face …

And couldn't have been less aroused if she had been a corpse.

As he rolled off of her and quickly pulled on his pants and refastened his belts, Sephiroth knew the deepest shame a man could ever know. He had always thought that he would have exceptional prowess in bed, at least after a few rounds of practice. Lord knew that in his torrid mind, he was no virgin! But actually there, actually between her legs … Nothing in him burned. Absolutely Nothing.

He relayed this tragic information in private to his favorite nurse, hoping that some unfortunate mix of prescriptions could be blamed for the malfunction in his libido.

Rhonda put down her clipboard and rolled her chair over to face Sephiroth directly, "Well, General … We've known each other for quite some time."

"Quite some time," He agreed, fearing the worst.

"I mean, when we met you had zits and I was a red head. We go way back. I know you. Think about that."

"Thinking about it," He echoed, and looked at the ceiling, just knowing he was about to be told that he would never be able to have sex, and that a surgery was already on the schedule to chop of his cock and float it in a jar.

She drew in a long breath, "You didn't 'malfunction' … You're a homosexual."

Sephiroth walked out of medical lab. The place was crawling with Shin-Ra employees, most of whom were male, most of whom seemed to have contractual obligations to be insanely attractive. He was astounded by his own ignorance.

A million little things in his life suddenly made sense. Why did he prefer to examine the plain tighty-whitey and tube socked male models decorating the background of lingerie catalogues? Why did he sometimes catch his eyes wandering over his friends? Why did he love to shop for clothes?

And why, oh why, did a twenty one year old virgin not have the desire to have sex with his girlfriend in four entire months of dating?

When General Sephiroth masturbated, the involuntary images in his head were never of curves. He saw narrow hips and shoulder blades. And felt kisses that didn't involve worrying about lipstick stains, but rather flowed out of the person beneath him with a wild abandon that Kristen never possessed, even on the literal brink of making love. He was dreaming of rough, short, tenor sounds of pleasure. Of a smooth, hard chest. Of something salty and male.

He thought he had been thinking of himself. But it was what he needed.

Of course, he immediately bid farewell to the girl the world had expected him to settle down with. And apparently she had expected it too, letting tiny fists fly in attempts to destroy him. He would never dream of hitting or even defending against a lady, and took the feeble little beating until she wore herself out. Her acrylic nails didn't hurt, but her angry words did … Sort of. But he listened to them. He felt that he owed it to her to listen to them.

According to Kristen, Sephiroth was a teasing, prude, frigid, uncaring, self centered, stupid, boring, not-as-hot-as-everyone-says … Faggot.

Faggot. Faggot?

He never much thought about that word. It wasn't in his vocabulary, but he had heard it plenty, knew what it meant. But actually being referred to as one was like hearing it for the first time. She leaned in the doorway as he left, and cried the fat, mascara streaking tears of Scarlett O' Hara. And he gave her the one thing she always seemed to want from him: A hardass exit line.

My dear, Sephiroth frankly didn't give a damn.

He went directly to Nurse Rhonda's flat that she shared with her girlfriend, Julie. They opened the door to find him there, unannounced and not wearing any shoes.

"It's over with Kris … "

Both had made identical faces of concern.

" … And I'm probably a faggot."

The two faces contorted with identical jolts of shock.

Then he laughed. He laughed long and hard, until his stomach ached and he was on his ass on their kitchen floor. He laughed harder when the two women joined in with him, unsure of what was so funny, but unable to keep the unhinged, completely hysterical sound from infecting them. After several minutes he winded down into long, melodic chuckles, and he wiped the tears from his face.

His soul had had an orgasm.

Rhonda lent him a book, 'I'm Gay and That's Okay' by Violent Rodriguez, a plain, lawyerly, forty something year old man by day, fabulous drag queen by night. Sephiroth accepted the book that he 'simply had to read' like it might turn into a snake at any moment.

"If I die and they find this at my place, I'm going to haunt you forever," He had warned them.

After skimming the book, he decided that it was the biggest waste of time of his adult life. Those were two precious hours of doing nothing that he'd never get back. But one particular phrase had rung out in his head when he read it.

"You like what you like, honey."

Easy enough. But what did he like? Nothing stuck out in his mind about any of his prior girlfriends that he particularly missed. So, without really meaning to, he started to notice tiny things about the males in his life.

Zack's hair smelled like cinnamon. Like. Brian had a deep, deep line down the center of his back. Like. Wilson's arms were long, and gently muscled. Like. Ender always had white crusty deodorant in his armpit hair. Don't like. When Max sweat, it made his cheeks and chin rosy. Like.

But he could never be truly interested in one of his SOLDIER buddies. He could recognize their individual droppings by sight alone. The quarters had been far too close during the war.

So, with a wish list of qualifications, and feeling rather sheepish after the supreme disappointment of his first attempt at sex, he decided that he was never, ever going to settle again. Especially not for just ’pretty’. He was going to wait until someone came along who was perfect. As time passed, there was nobody who wandered into his line of sight that encompassed any of his 'likes', without a slew of major 'don't likes'. Handsome smiles and gorgeous eyes always belonged to complete bores. And great personalities always belonged to … Well …

"Looks aren't everything! Put a bag over his head!" Zack suggested. A best friend has a way of finding out fucking everything, and General Sephiroth's sexual orientation was definitely a big topic of conversation the week he figured it out. Every five minutes the phone would ring, and an excited Zack would be on the other end.

"So, are you the bitch or the butch?" Click.

"Do you think I'm cute? Be honest! I'm pretty cute, right?" Click.

"So, if you didn't go all the way with Kristen, and you never banged a dude either … Are you like, extra virginy?" CLICK!

Sephiroth sighed presently, his face pressed into his pillow.

And, presently, he was not wound up from work. He was … Distracted.

When the little foreign kid asked Sephiroth what kind of music he liked, he decided to give a little extra attention to the poor thing, since he was obviously … Off. After their brief but amusing conversation on the phone, it was evident that little foreign kid wasn't mentally challenged, but … Something.

The fantastic CD made it obvious what that little something was. The little foreign kid had some sort of crush, and the audacity to let it be known. Sephiroth was somewhat curious, and a little investigation proved that Cloud Strife was neither little, foreign, or a kid. He was a developing, exotic young man. And he had a personality on him. And he walked and stood so …

Sephiroth hadn't found many things difficult about mentally accepting his own homosexuality… But he found it very troubling and a little embarrassing to check out another man's ass. But this young man drew attention to his in ways that left Sephiroth's jaw aching from clenched teeth.

Cloud Strife was absolutely gorgeous.

And General Sephiroth felt absolutely filthy.

It wasn't exactly about age. It wasn't even about rank. He just felt like a big, creepy pervert. And those were his exact thoughts, sitting alone with a full-blown erection in the dark.

‘Oh no! I'm a big, creepy pervert!’

After the transfixing video feed was over, he turned off the computer and ran for a few hours to think.

‘How do guys do it?’ He had wondered.

Well, he knew how they did it. But not how they … Dated. When he had wanted to ask a woman out, he had simply talked to her. Turned on the charm. Took her somewhere chicks like to go. Brought flowers.

Where would Cloud Strife want to go? Hm … He hadn't yet met a man who would turn down food, so he decided to take Cloud Strife out for whatever meal was convenient for whatever time he was next in Midgar. And what would make good flowers for Cloud Strife? … A CD, of course! He would buy him a CD! Too easy!

And those were his plans. Then one morning a little tiny blue pill, unnoticed in his daily cocktail, went past his lips and down into his body. Then the next day, and the next day. And so on. Until one night he was freezing, then boiling, then vomiting, then shitting, then was unable to sleep for more than an hour at a time although he was beyond exhausted. The next morning, he was shocked by what he found in the mirror. He was white, bone dry everywhere, and looking like he had just risen up from the grave. A plague was upon him.

Every once in a while, the doctors that raised Sephiroth from an infancy liked to shake things up and test his immune system. By trying to kill him. So far, Sephiroth's body had survived every major disease in human history. This time, the culprit was innocent enough.

Vitamin A. Just one of those little blue pills was enough to poison a well.

Sephiroth had laid on the white paper lining of the patient's bed, while the doctors were busy cooing at him and congratulating him over his remarkable ability to not die.

"I didn't prepare a speech," The General whispered raspily. The vitamin A toxicity had opened the door to an epic flu, "But I'd like to thank whoever it was that decided to try poisoning me over shucking out another epidemic. The Bubonic Plague was sort of fun last time … " His voice trailed off until his lips were moving but no sound was coming out.

"You wasted your voice being a smartass," Dr. Hojo scolded gently, handing Sephiroth a throat coating lollipop.

Sephiroth unhappily tore off the wrapper and stuck the thing in his mouth, and made a writing motion. After a notebook and a pen were given to him, he continued his rant on paper.

Dealing with being almost poisoned to death, and taking care of his usual workload, which did not give him any time to recover, consumed all of his thoughts and energy.

Life went on as usual.

Until Cloud Strife entered the dark conference room like an angel on a sunbeam. For the first, real time seeing him in person, Sephiroth had been completely floored by those big, blue eyes, that edgy blonde hair, the delicate nape of his neck, those long, slender limbs, his interesting sense of style, his soft looking skin, his flirtatious attitude.

And hearing that smooth voice with that tiny purr beneath it, Sephiroth, who unfortunately hadn't slept in two days and was still ass deep in vitamin A, antibiotics and flu residue, was stricken almost bloodless. A strange emotion that was a mixture of flu delirium and frustration at not meeting with Cloud on his own terms came over Sephiroth, and he did everything short of making a direct order to get him to leave the premises. But Cloud was a persistent little bastard. Like.

Inviting him to Zack's annual shit face fest, purely impulsive, as he had zero intentions of actually attending that year due to his current condition. But he didn't want to leave the copy room without making sure that they would meet again soon. Giving Cloud the banged up CD wasn't a part of the original plan either, but he hadn't had the chance to buy him one, and actually wondered if maybe an old one of his own would be even better 'flowers' for Cloud.

"I'm going to the Halloween thing after all." Sephiroth told Zack over the phone.

"What made you change your mind?" Zack crunched something in his ear.

"I just did. And Cloud Strife is coming, too."

" … That's what I like to hear!" Zack had said. Whether or not that was suggestive was left unclear, as Sephiroth knew better than to question it. But then again, his best friend always knew every fucking thing anyways.

In letting his mind travel the course of the past few, strange months of his life, Sephiroth's lower stomach went on the journey also. First, it was twisted in knots over his anxiety. Then, it dipped a little thinking about humiliating moments, it heated in anger at times, it rolled over and over thinking about his little crush.

And now it had an erection pressed in between it and the mattress.

Sephiroth allowed his mind to yet again replay the sequence that had haunted him for the last six days.
A piece of paper floated to the floor with a gentle swooping noise, just loud enough to draw up his green eyes. Cloud had cursed under his breath, and squatted down to pick up the stray sheet. And as he crouched, his tight little excuse for a pair of pants slipped lower … And lower … Until the gentle curve of softer flesh popped up from the waistband like a muffin.

What he would have given to have grabbed a hold of those hips and dipped his tongue down into that exposed crack. What would that blonde school boy have done? Gasped? Cried out and fumbled to pull his pants up? Ran out of the room in embarrassment?

"No Sir," Cloud quietly corrected. "I would have done this..."

Copy Room Cloud arched his back and invited Sephiroth to work his tongue between the starchy roughness of his jeans and the baby softness of his skin. He grinned when he noticed those gorgeous blue eyes peeking over his shoulder to watch. He gave those eyes a show, slowly dragging his tongue across the partially exposed curves and finally down in between them.

Sephiroth drove his tongue as deep into Cloud as it would go, wrenching out a series of sharp gasps, then ran it up the smooth expanse of exposed lower back and up the dry, cottony plain of his yellow t-shirt. He covered Cloud's back as his tongue finally arrived at soft lips, and pushed past them into a warm mouth. The wet little tongue inside was gently flicking against his when he heard the quick rip of a zipper. Cloud's fingers snaked down his back and into the waistband of those silly, silly black jeans, tugging them down until they bunched around his spread knees. Cloud gripped the side of the copier that creaked in plastic protest under his weight, and presented that ass, cute and round and turned up and begging … To get …

Six intense seconds later, the General was finally asleep.


-.-.-.-.-.-.-


" … Seph … "

Cam and Psycho looked at other. This was the best quirk that came from living with Cloud Strife, by far. Better than properly folded shirts, and way better than shower singing.

Sleep talking.

If this situation was handled delicately enough, his subconscious would ramble on for minutes on end. The subject matter ranged from a possible betrayal in the ranks of G.I. Joe, to how to best cook a chocolate omelet, to how disgusting the vanity of peacocks could be, to of course how desperately he wanted to get into General Sephiroth's pants.

Cam put a finger to his lips at Psycho, then leaned down close to the small ear poking out through his edged blonde tresses. Making his voice silky as he could, he called, " … Cloud?"

He shifted, then went completely still, " … Yar?"

Psycho snickered, and Cam waved him to silence, " … What are you doing?"

"Ohhh joost thiiinkin' about pe'haps gettin' a bit o' somethin' … " Cloud's sleeping voice lilted at absurd volumes and tones, and was so heavily accented it barely registered as English. He rubbed his face against the pillow violently, then again went still.

"What do you want?"

Cloud rolled over with a fling of his arm, and began to snore loudly.

Psycho tilted his head, and Cam called again, "Clooud?"

His brow furrowed. He babbled enthusiastically for several moments, then turned his head quickly to the side. He began to breathe anticlimactically.

Psycho and Cam shrugged, figuring the show was over, when his small, unassuming voice sighed, " … Please, Mr. General?"

It was all over. Cam and his cat laughed long and hard until water blue eyes fluttered open in confusion.
"Happy Halloween!"

"Noooooo!" Cloud wailed, and rolled over into his covers in an attempt to slide back into the dream world.

"Today is the fuckin' day, my friend!"

Cloud sighed deeply. Today was the fucking day. But … But … He snuggled the pillow that was Sephiroth just moments ago.

"Aww get up, it's already one o' fuckin' clock! We gotsta go get costumes!" Cam grabbed one end of the comforter and tried to yank apart the little blond burrito. After much tug of warring, he tossed the end to the other side of Cloud instead of pulling, thus rendering him completely exposed.

Blue eyes opened to glare as he was scooped up and tossed into the bathroom.

"Exfoliate somethin'!" Cam commanded before slamming the door closed.

Cloud stood in the silence for a little bit, letting consciousness seep into his sleepy head. Just a dream. But what a dream it was! Hubba hubba!

He caught a glimpse of his shirtless self in the mirror. Turning to the side, he took an assessing look.
He and Cam had spent every single night that week in the gym. They both had serious love interests now, so that meant they needed to be packing some serious heat. Why Cam was putting in the extra effort baffled Cloud, because he was turning into quite the little wet dream with just the regular schedule. But he himself … Well, could kind of see abs if he squeezed his ass to the left, flexed his stomach to the right, tilted his head forward, and didn't breathe. But it wasn't exactly the hottest look. Just standing naturally, the only definition he had was a shallow line down the middle. That's some mighty weak sauce. The weight he had been trying to gain seemed to all go to his chest, which had transformed from a skinny, concave disaster to almost … Muscular. But just almost.

He threw back his head and shrieked, "I wanna be riiipped!"

"Shut da fuck up!" Was the universe's only reply.

Cloud sighed and let his sweatpants drop to the floor.

"Oh. Hello."

"Good afternoon, Cloud!" His morning wood exclaimed.

"Sorry for having to wake up from that dream. You know how it is," Cloud stepped into the shower and tested the water with his toes.

"Don't worry, I underst-hand. Get it? GET IT? Hahahaaaa. Soooo. Is it your intention to help me out here or … "

"I already told you," Cloud sighed while working shampoo into his hair. "From here on out we're saving up all our reserves for Sephiroth."

"Riiight. I know we agreed to that but I still can't help but feel a tad … Apprehensive."

"That's not the attitude I want from you right now! You need be a team player," Cloud said while scrubbing every inch of his body, including his outie belly button and in between his fingers and toes.

"I'm all for the cause. But I've been doing some research and there are some facts about the male anatomy that I think you'll find as troubling as I do."

"How exactly did you do research?" Cloud asked while swiping at his underarm stubble with a disposable razor.

"If the male anatomy is denied proper and regular ejaculation, it becomes testy and irritable. The sensory glands are so over stressed that when stimulation is finally granted, they're too bitchy to take the time to draw out the experience, and thus, the male is rendered a 'minute man'."

"You're making this up."

"Not really."

"Go to sleep, now," Cloud commanded, jerking the dial to the colder side of the spectrum, and rinsing the conditioner out of his hair.

He was just about finished when there came a banging on the door. Cloud quickly finished and wrapped a towel around his waist, "Naked!" He warned.

"Phone call!" Cam announced anyways.

He cracked the door open and poked his dripping head out, "Is it … "

"All I know is someone knocked an' said phone's for you … Run bitch, run!"

Cloud let out a wild sound and threw a second towel on top of his head before dashing out into the hallway and downstairs to the house phone.

He had gotten a call earlier in the week by Zack. He managed to hide his thorough disappointment that it wasn't his beloved, but spent a couple hours chatting happily with his long lost pal instead. Zack was being pretty vague about what they were going to be doing this evening, but had given him directions to his apartment, and had advised Cloud consume as many carbs as possible and take a few aspirins. He knew what that was; hangover protection. In some parts of the world, it was called a Nibelheim Condom.

But he had been waiting oh-so-patiently to hear something from his General, and after that hot ass dream, he knew it just had to be him. Fate works like that. In the hallway by the phone, a small group of cowboys were … – Cowboys?

‘Oh yeah, it's Halloween,’ Cloud remembered.

He picked up the receiver and prepared to sound sexy yet casual, not bored but not trying too hard, not desperate yet completely interested, naked and lying in wait not naked and shivering in the hallway with a bunch of cowboys, " … Hello."

"What the fuck is wrong with Midgar? How does a little boy just waltz into a fucking tattoo parlor and get a fucking hole shoved through his face?"

"Hi mom … " Cloud snickered shock into his hand. He hadn't been able to decide on what words to say to his mother regarding the new addition to his face, and opted to simply email her a picture. Perhaps that wasn't the most sensitive route. "It's not a big hole."

"Oh, good! It's just a little one."

"Mh! Mom!" Cloud repeated, shooing away a group of guys who had congregated to hear Mrs. Strife scream over the span of continents. "It's just a little spike under my bottom lip! It's nothing bad, I promise!"

"Clow? Are you sure it isn't a … Sex thing?"

That just about did it. Cloud's shocked laughter echoed throughout the Rufus building.

"Little bastard!" She gritted out, before returning the infectious laughter against all of her will.

"Oh don't you even pretend to be so straight edge, mom. I know about you. Grandma said when you were my age you - "

" – Fine," She interrupted indignantly. "Congratulations. You have a hole in your face."

Batman tapped Cloud's shoulder and held up five fingers. Cloud nodded, "Mom, I only have five minutes, so say something nice to me."

"I miss you like hell," He heard her light a cigarette.

"I miss you too. So … Hey. My dad … "

"Yeah."

"Can I ask some questions?"

"Sure."

"And you'll answer them? You won't be stricken blind by a headache, or pretend you don't remember, or be PMSing too hard to think about it?"

" … Sure."

"Okay," He said slowly. "How did you meet him?"

"At a concert."

"Who was playing?"

"He was. He drummed for some shitty little band that opened up for Noble Man."

"Are you even serious?" Noble Man was a very well known metal band from back in the day. Their codpieces left nothing to be desired.

"I wish I wasn't! Me and my friends hitchhiked to Junon to see those assholes play. And, there your dad was."

"Were you a groupie?" Cloud asked dreamily.

She laughed, "… Maybe just a little."

"Were you in love?"

"Yes."

His face burned. His mother never answered these questions. Never. "Was I an accident?"

"You were a … Surprise."

The truth didn't hurt. Cloud smiled, "Is that why he left?"

"Hell, no! He was ecstatic. And … He was a good dad to you while he was around. But things just didn't work between us."

"What happened?"

"There was someone else."

Cloud threw up his hands, "Your best friend? One of your sisters? His own sister? A guy? A goat? Who?"

"Christ, it's not a soap opera! He wanted someone else, someone that wasn't me."

"Why didn't you choke a bitch?"

She exhaled thoughtfully, "Your dad was, and still is … " She laughed, "Cloud, he's so fucking boring. And he was always so depressed. And a hypochondriac! Ugh! And if you ever disagreed with him, he would just skulk off for days on end. Cloud, when he told me that he wanted to leave, I let him go."

Cloud laughed with her, "Well if it isn't some perverted, sordid ordeal, why didn't you ever just tell me?"

"Hm. Well, it's easy to laugh about it now, you're grown up. I honestly didn't expect him to … Never try to see you. I felt … " She exhaled. " … Guilty, I guess. What did he have to say to you?"

"Oh, that…" Cloud fidgeted with the towel around his waist, "Well, it was a boring note in a generic card. And a check for … " He glanced at Batman who was shamelessly staring him down, covered up the mouthpiece and whispered into it.

There were several moments of silence, "What the hell did you do with it?"

"I did the responsible thing and opened up a bank account!" Hey, it was the truth.

"Don't blow it, kid."

He closed his eyes and nodded, "Oh I won't. I have a plan."

"This I have to hear."

"Well, I'm in quite a stressful situation! So I believe that it will not only help me mentally, but downright spiritually to every so often indulge in a spot of retail therapy."

A sigh from Mrs. Strife.

"The only thing I'm going to spend any real money on is the courting of my life partner. Then, after I'm a SOLDIER, and of course a military wife, I won't need money anymore. I'll save the rest for my kids."

There was a long pause, " … Kids?"

"Me and my life partner are going to adopt."

"And your life partner is?"

Batman was still staring, so Cloud opted for: "He who must not be named."

" … I see. How goes your courting so far?"

"We have a date tonight!"

She gasped in delight, "No shit!"

"Yeah! I kinda ran into him last week, and I saw hiiim and he saw meee … The next thing I knew he was asking me to help him with his work, very important um … Official Shin-Ra documentations. Then he told me that he had been thinking of me for weeks, and he couldn't bear the distance between us anymore, and that he needed to see me again personally."

"That's a very interesting interpretation."

Cloud kicked his feet a little. His mom always said that when she knew he was fudging details.

"Alright, alright. I stole his coffee from the office bitch boy, gave it to him, and bugged the hell out of him while he tried to work. But, momma!" He clutched feverishly at the towel covering his head, "He is SO beautiful! And he's so cool! And he gave me his favorite CD! And he did ask me out! Well, maybe not out out, it's to a Halloween get together thing. And we're not really going together together … But we'll be together!"

Mrs. Strife chuckled softly.

"So!" He said brightly, changing the subject, "Since your little love child has left the nest, have you gotten back into the dating scene? Mmm?"

"Christ … "

"Oh, come on! The kids at school used to say that you're a MILF!"

She choked, "CLOUD STRIFE!"

Cloud laughed freely. Being on another continent was awesome. Batman cleared his throat and hovered his finger judicially over the hang-up button.

"Mom, I have to go before this asshole has a cow."

"Alright, baby. I love you. And hey … Get him."

"Oh, I will … I get it from you, MILF!"

"I'm fucking hanging up!" And she did.

Cloud handed the phone over to Batman, who seized it and dialed. After a few moments he said, "Delivery."


-.-.-.-.-.-.-


Halloween in Midgar was apparently a very big deal.

Back in Nibelheim the extent of the holiday was that the little kids did their thing. But then, there were only like ten little kids at any given time. And usually there was a like a party at school on the last hour of the day or the friday before, and everyone talked and ate candy. Well, Cloud only supposed that they talked and ate candy, because he was always hiding alone in the bathroom stall.

The train station's walls were plastered with colorful advertisements of local house parties. Grown men and women walked around in full costume. All the ladies were some trampy version of something, all in short skirts, thigh highs and wigs. The guys were all gory monsters or kinky occupations like cops or firefighters. When Sephiroth so naughtily suggested that he wear a costume, he thought maybe being a little extra punky would cover it. Not so, Cam had informed him.

"Do you already know what you're going to be?" Cloud asked when they strolled out of the station and into the afternoon air of the downtown slums.

"Maybe. Michele's already got hers, she's gonna be a fuckin' nurse," He wiggled his eyebrows. "So I figured I oughta be a doctor."

"That's so cute! You're going to match!"

"You's supposed to match who you's with!"

Cloud chewed on the back of his spike in thought. He hadn't the foggiest idea of what Sephiroth would show up as. The thought of that man in costume was almost too much to bear. What he would give to match him! But … They weren't together.

"Is this where you live? Lived?" Cloud asked. This wasn't the main strip of downtown, but a slightly more residential area.

"Close. Our neighborhood is a few blocks dataway." They stopped at a crosswalk. Cam punched the button in a strange Morse code-like pattern, and the light immediately turned in their favor.

Cam led the way down the sidewalk to a vacant-looking storefront with a single flickering neon sign, Vacancy. They entered.

What Cloud saw were aisles and aisles cluttered with costumes and props. But to get to them, they had to cross a graveyard infested with the undead, a grisly crime scene, a minefield of moving mechanical demons hanging from the ceiling, and a horde of monsters clustered at every aisle entrance.

Cloud's stomach dropped straight to his balls.

But Cam trotted off without hesitation through the graveyard, side stepped the gore, swatted away the demons, and nimbly slid between the group of vampires at the far aisle.

Cloud zipped his red track jacket up to his chin. ‘It's just a store.’ He told himself before taking the path that Cam had blazed.

He hopped over a rubber hand sticking up from the ground in the graveyard, edged around a knee high pile of oozing intestines, bent over and scuttled well beneath the demons' reach, and closing his eyes and holding his breath, slid between the vampires.

And yelped like a little puppy when one grabbed him.

The vampire laughed heartily.

"Hey! Look at this!" Cam called.

Cloud socked the vampire in the arm, who 'ow'ed but laughed even harder, and went to see what Cam was looking at. He was holding up blue striped pajamas, bandages, and a defibrillator.

"Maybe I should be a fuckin' patient, eh? Eh? EH?"

"Yeeah, that's good and kinky," Cloud wheezed.

Cam seemed satisfied, "Now lets' find one for you. Any ideas?"

"Not exactly. I just want to shoot for cute."

"Pirate!" Cam immediately suggested. Cloud scrunched his nose.

"A baseball player! A priest! Austin Powers! A zombie! A ninja! Bam Bam! Heeey, General Seph kinda looks like Bam Bam!"

Cloud gasped sharply, "No he doesn't!"

They scooched past a gaggle of serial killers and into the next aisle.

"A detective! Frankenstein! A sailor! A knight! Spider Man! OHH! Speed Racer!"

"Speed Racer?" Cloud smiled, and picked it up. It came with a very realistic looking helmet. "I think I'm gonna pass. No hats."

"Why da fuck not?"

"My hair is … Ya know. Glorious."

"But dis costume. It is outstanding…" Cam lingered over it for several moments before popping open the package and placing the helmet reverently on his head. He ditched the kinky patient costume.

They squeezed through a herd of witches and walked into the next aisle. All the costumes seemed to be for girls. Slutty girls.

"Um..." Cam said underneath his visor.

"I'm not that gay!" Cloud soundly declared, and they shimmied past a bunch of mad scientists to the next aisle.

"A ghost! Phantom of the Opera! A gangster! A demon! A slice of pizza!"

" … Shit," Cloud drawled.

"Didja find something?"

He held it up to show Cam.

"Well, I'd say dat is definitely you, Cloud."

It was perfect. Cute in an obvious way. Funny in a nerdy way because of who he was hanging out with tonight. And if he needed it to be for a certain someone … It could also be sexy. He had long since admitted to himself that he had a uniform fetish. One of the many loose screws that he didn't feel like tightening up.

"To the fitting rooms!"

When the boys emerged from their respective stalls, they had a good, long, abdominal scorching guffaw at one another.

One was a muscular version of Speed Racer.

The other, a far too thoroughly convincing Condor Scout. Brown pleated shorts, bruised knees, brown button up utility shirt, white knee high socks, a sash full of merit badges, and a red scarf tied around his neck. The only parts that gave him away were his dirty shin high combat boots, and a facial piercing. He decided to wear it out of the store.

The costume was dirt cheap, as was the case with most of the things he wanted in life. Bright shoes, old punk records, magazines, tiny pants. He didn't have very expensive taste. While Cam paid for his costume, Cloud sadly counted what he had left until the following month's mail day when he would get his bankcard. One hundred and twenty gil, not much! He closed his wallet huffily, determined to make good on his plans and to not spend any money that wasn't necessary.

When they exited the costume store, they shared an awkward pause. Cameron was going to a party at a friend's house, with his oldest little sister and his new girlfriend. Cloud was going to head back to campus, then to Zack's. Their paths were not aligned this day.

"You gonna visit home, now?" Cloud asked.

"Yeeah."

They both ground their feet into the sidewalk uneasily.

Cloud sighed, "Well, I guess I'm gonna go … "

The boys realized why this parting felt so strained. It was going to be their first day apart since school started.

Cam burst, "You sure ya don't want me to come with? Fuck Joe's party. He's a fuckin' twat."

Cloud shrieked protest, "Don't worry about me! Go see your friends … And your girlfriend! You gotta!"

"You sure?"

Cloud swung a fist into the side of the helmet, sending Cam stumbling and laughing into the direction he was headed anyways. They waved goodbye and went their separate ways.

Alone, he strolled along the sidewalk in his Halloween costume, swinging the bag with his normal clothes around, heading vaguely towards the train station and with the entire afternoon to kill. His stomach growled. So he bought a pretzel. One hundred and fifteen gil left. Then he became extremely thirsty. He bought a gallon of orange juice. One hundren and ten gil left. He sat down on the curb, started to think about Sephiroth, got nervous, and downed the entire thing. Ten minutes later, he ducked into a convenience store, bought a music magazine while dancing around in front of the register, and bolted into the restroom for about an hour while he read the whole thing on the pot and recovered. One hundred gil left.

After that, Cloud found a playground. He swung for about half an hour, trying to go all the way around the bar. Unsuccessful. Then he got conned into pushing two blushing, giggling pre-teen girls for another half an hour. He walked around the surrounding park until he found a wishing well. After asking several people for change for a gil, he found an ice cream man. He bought a grape push up pop with Bam Bam on the package, and made four wishes with his change.

‘Sephiroth, please love me.’

‘SOLDIER, please accept me.’

‘Anal Orgasm, please have a reunion tour.’

He thought hard to get the most out of the fourth and final wish.

‘Please let me be 6 feet tall!’

Ninety-Seven gil left.

Then there was the quick, carby bite to eat at a mom and pop restaurant. Ninety gil left. An hour at an arcade. Seventy gil left. A very talented violinist on the corner. Sixty gil left, and a thrift store t-shirt that had a picture of a vinyl record, and a caption that read 'Ask me about my 12 inch'. Fifty gil left.

Cloud Strife did not have expensive taste. But he was a financial tornado.

He grimaced at his wallet, and firmly decided not to do anything else but get on the train back to the plate. As he passed by a small record store, he didn't dare look in the window. He didn't dare. He really wasn't going to look in the window. He wasn't going to look. He didn't dare.

He quickly ran in and began rooting around in the barrel full of buttons next to the cash register. Mostly stupid bands, but then he found his final purchase for the evening.

A Touch Society button. He triumphantly pinned it on his Condor Scout sash.

Forty-nine gil left.


-.-.-.-.-.-.-


Zack had suggested that he drop by around eight. Cloud didn't want to appear too eager, so he loitered around the outside of the upper plate apartment complex until five minutes past eight. He then lunged for the glass double doors and leapt up the checker patterned staircase with both of his feet and hands.

He skidded to a stop in front of Zack's door. Before he decided to announce his presence, he expelled all the air from his body, looked at the ceiling, clasped his hands, and gave a wordless prayer of utter, soul deep desire.

Then he unclasped his hands, made two tight fists, and knocked a short little rhythm on the door.

It opened as wide as the chain latch would allow, and one familiar blue eye peeped out.

Cloud grinned, "Would you like to buy some cookies?"

The door slammed shut, then swung open again, and Zack scooped him up into a hug.

"How you doing?" He shouted with joy.

"Fine!" Was the shaky reply. All Zack had on was a pair of boxers, and the contents were smooshed against Cloud's stomach.

"Don't just say 'fine', that's lame. How are you?" He babbled, pulling Cloud inside.

"I'm in the worst pain of my life!" Cloud made a large motion to his body in general. "And I have to do two papers by next week … And I have a math test but I think I go retarded whenever I try to study … Aaand I can run for forty-five minutes before I begin to see black dots!"

"God, your life sucks!" Zack sighed happily. "Want anything?"

"Whatever," Cloud shrugged, and Zack bounced into the kitchen.

Cloud scanned the residence, not exactly surprised to find the eclectic décor of a bachelor pad, but was slightly surprised that the pad itself was quite the hip little loft situation. It was a low key, homey place, and obviously lived in. Here and there were little touches that made Cloud smile, the foremost being a theater sized movie poster for The Omen taking up a huge amount of space on the brick wall behind the red sofa. Only a single man would be able to get away with that. But the place smelled clean, like fresh laundry and faintly of something sweet and hot, like yummy cookies. Cloud ran his finger down a DVD tower in the corner that was as tall as he was, to find only scary movies, with a raunchy comedy here or there.

Eesh! Some of the titles made Cloud's lower lip pop out. I Spit on Your Grave, Flesh Eating Wantons from Sector Four, Dead Alive, Materia Diphtheria … Gorgasm?

"You never said you liked horror so much!" Cloud commented as Zack clanged around in the kitchen.

"Nah, I can't stand that crap. Boring," He answered, trotting into the living room with a soda in one hand and a Yoo-hoo in the other.

"Why do you have so many?" He asked, taking the Yoo-hoo.

"Huh? Those are Seph's," Zack said as if Cloud were ignorant, and cracked open his soda, slurping up the initial fizzy explosion.

Cloud blinked rapidly.

"This isn't my place. We're just meeting here."

Cloud looked around in utter disbelief, at The Omen poster, and the cold Yoo-hoo in his hands, and back to Zack in his underwear. Then at a pile of bills sitting on the television, at the black and yellow striped blanket bunched up on the corner of the red couch, at the huge television screen that had what appeared to be Full House on pause. At the bamboo shutters on the windows, at the black cadet cap tossed on the coffee table, at the coasters scattered next to the hat that had 50's pinups on them. At the shiny, hard wood floors, at the slowly turning ceiling fan, at the rusty, exposed, yet oh-so-ironically-cool pipes coming out of the walls and ceiling. At the bag of cheese puffs sitting open in the black lounge chair. At the red hallway leading down to more rooms, all of which were behind closed doors. His blue eyes went schizophrenic until they saw something that made them stop. It was a shape, really. A long, long, long, skinny, black shape. A sheath. Propped up against the wall next to a light switch.

"Where is he?" Cloud was dangerously close to tears, and felt like the worst kind of intruder. Everything he saw, he was cherishing, and had no right to. He looked only at Zack and nothing else.

Zack had said nothing during all of this, but had just watched in complete amusement, "He'll be back soon."

A key turned the lock of the front door.

"Speak of the devil!" Zack shouted loudly.

The clicking of the lock sound sent a thousand chills up Cloud's spine. He stood in frozen anticipation as the key was removed, and the door swung awkwardly open.

A gas masked SWAT team member with long, silver hair swinging down his back came in backwards, holding several brown grocery bags against a bullet proof vested chest, and went strolling right into the kitchen.

Then slowly and empty handed, came out and stood in the large, empty space of what might have been a dining room. The gas mask tilted and a muffled voice came out, "Where are your clothes?"

Cloud turned beet red.

"Bathroom," Zack answered.

" … Why aren't you in the bathroom with your clothes?"

"Cloud showed up, someone had to open the door!" Zack sipped his soda loudly. "And quite frankly I hate your guest bathroom."

"Then fuckin’ shower at home."

"Let me use yours."

" … Fine. Don't do anything weird, though."

Zack grinned and headed down a hall on the other side of the kitchen that Cloud hadn't noticed before. He watched helplessly as the crazy black hair of his lifeline turned a corner and was out of sight. Somewhere, a door slammed shut.

Cloud looked back to Sephiroth, who was still standing there with a gas mask on. Water rushed through the pipes. "I'm sorry..." Was the only thing on his lips to say.

"What for?" Sephiroth's gloved hands went to the back of his head to loosen the belt of his gas mask. It dropped to his chest and pale hair sprung up and out, as if it was happy to be released.

He smiled. Cloud smiled back.

For no reason at all, they shared a short little breathy laugh.

The first thing Cloud noticed about Sephiroth was his eyes. They really were that bright, impossible SOLDIER green, rested and almost playful. His skin was perfect and smooth as always, and this time it extended also to his soft lips, which were puckered gently to one side in a smirk. Cloud's eyes refocused from the delicate, angelic face to the harsh gas mask right beneath it.

Oh, yeah, Cloud Strife had a uniform fetish all right. And he had no doubts in his mind that this one was real. Black, bulletproof vest. Thick, padded utility suspenders. A tight black shirt that ended at his elbows, leaving exposed his long, lean forearms. Black gloves that ended just below the jutting, masculine bones of his wrists. Black fatigues that weren't exactly tight, but they seemed that way what with the delicious assortment of belts and harnesses tied around his long legs. The miracle of the way the buckle around his left thigh was fastened and the way Sephiroth was standing, a fascinating bulge was created between his legs, and it was observed for several moments.

Finally, some sense crept into Cloud's skull and told him that gaping openly at someone's crotch wasn't exactly polite. He tore his eyes away from it and back up at Sephiroth's face. And was surprised to find that those green eyes were taking their own turn running over his appearance. He swelled inside with pride and terror as he watched the eyes run down the length of his merit badge sash, across the line of his waist, down one leg to the boot, up the other, and back up across his chest to find his eyes again.

"Where's your costume?"

Cloud sputtered and looked down at himself, " … Hey!"

Sephiroth grinned, "It's good."

"Yours too! Is it … Real?"

"Yup. I borrowed most of it."

Most. Which of those items of clothing did Sephiroth just have laying around in his closet?

"What's that?" He asked.

Cloud blinked, "What's what?"

Sephiroth touched a gloved finger to his own chin a couple of times.

Cloud's tongue popped involuntarily out of his mouth and found his spike, "Oh! It's just a thing I got."

"What's it for?"

He shrugged, "Nothing really. Just for fun."

Sephiroth looked at it for another moment, before turning on his heel slightly, "Do you want anything?"

"Oh," Cloud held up the Yoo-hoo, which was partially hidden behind his leg.

Sephiroth's face fell, "I knew I was forgettin’ something." He turned the rest of the way on his heel and disappeared into the kitchen. Cloud cautiously followed him.

Sephiroth had literally disappeared in the kitchen. The corner where it was nested was very black. Almost everything in it was black, including the cabinets and oddly enough, the faucets. And with the lights off and Sephiroth's getup, he almost looked like a disembodied head, until he got close enough to the refrigerator light to be seen putting away his groceries. All of which were liquids. Jugs of iced tea, Gatorade, vegetable and fruit juice, sodas, water bottles. Cloud peeked and saw that inside the refrigerator there was almost only empty containers of said liquids already in there. That, and things like butter and ketchup and one sad little jar of pickles.

Sephiroth caught him looking, "Gettin’ over the flu."

Cloud nodded in heavy understanding. He'd had to do the liquid diet thing many times in his life, and if Sephiroth was anything like him, he was feeling like shit, and had been for a long while. Although obviously looking a hell of a lot better than last weekend, Sephiroth still looked too thin to Cloud, and just a little tired around the edges. A whole new world of guilt hit him in the face like a dirt clod. He had intruded into the nest of Sephiroth, who was sick and probably not even remotely in the condition to go out. The flu could be a real bitch.

A tremor of complete terror passed through Cloud's core, and he stepped closer to his beloved.

"Are you on antibiotics?" He asked, serious as a heart attack.

The handsome face looked a little surprised at the question, "Yeah."

"I'm from Nibelheim," Cloud informed him, "And if there's one thing I know about flu season, it's that mixing alcohol and antibiotics could cause intestinal failure! Or … Heart failure … " He thought about it then waved his hand dismissively, " … Some kind of failure!"

Sephiroth looked at him in wonder.

"Please don't drink tonight!"

A brief silence passed through the blackness of the kitchen, until Sephiroth sputtered with laughter, "You're an outstanding Condor Scout!"

"I'm serious!" Cloud whined over the laughter, then immediately went frigid when it abruptly stopped and

Sephiroth moved closer to him, and lowered his voice.

"It's liver damage, not heart failure. But I give you my word that I won't drink tonight."

Cloud's heart leapt with joy …

"If you don't."

… Then broke into pieces. He was from Nibelheim, after all. But he quietly agreed, " … Yes, Sir."

"Aerith just called!" Zack bellowed from somewhere in the loft.

"So what?" Sephiroth answered, exiting the kitchen to drop down onto the red couch. Cloud sat gingerly on the edge of it.

"Said she's almost here!"

Sephiroth gave Cloud a weary look.

"I heard that!" Zack shouted.

Sephiroth hiked an eyebrow, "I didn't say anything!"

"I heard it!" Zack repeated, and strode into the living room with a duffel bag, and now dressed as Prince Phillip from Sleeping Beauty. Black tights, brown boots, a khaki tunic and a red cape. He looked perfect! He hadn't put any effort into his hair though.

"Nice tights!" Cloud grinned, and received a swat on the head as Zack passed by to the window, and pressed his nose to it.

"She's here!"

"Better open the window," Sephiroth advised.

"Why?"

Sephiroth winked at Cloud. "So she can just fly right on in on her broomstick."

Zack gasped, "I'm telling her you said that!"

Cloud giggled in delight, and the two friends looked at him in slight surprise. They weren't used to having a laugh track to accompany their usual banter.

Someone pounded on General Sephiroth's door. He rolled his eyes, and Zack rushed to answer it.

When the door was opened, there was a flurry of pink, and the wet pops of kisses. Zack wrapped his arms tightly around the girl in the doorway, and pulled her inside. She was very pretty, and dressed as Sleeping Beauty. Again, not much effort in the hair department, but her pink gown was to die for.

"Aerith, that's Cloud, my little sister."

"Hi!" She waved.

"Nice to meet you, Aerith!" Cloud answered with a wave of his own.

Her dazzling smile dampened considerably, " … Sephiroth." She politely acknowledged.

"Hrmph," Was his own chilly greeting.

Zack threw his duffel bag over his shoulder, "The gang's all here! Everyone's probably waiting for us! Let's scoot!" He galloped a little towards the open door.

Sephiroth and Cloud stood up, and followed Zack and Aerith out into the hallway. While Seph fidgeted with the key and lock, the couple didn't bother to wait, and started down the hallway together.

Cloud was put in an awkward position. Scurry to tag along with the two of them, walk slowly and be neutrally single in between the couple and Sephiroth … Or stand and wait for him?

While he nervously pondered, the choice was made for him. Zack and his girlfriend had already disappeared down the stairs, and Sephiroth turned around, sliding keys into his pocket.

"Ready?"

Cloud nodded.

Sephiroth moved to Cloud's left side.

And together, they walked.


A/N

Chapter 7 Image can be found here! ---> http://owmyhearteries.deviantart.com/gallery/?offset=120#/d1co9s4

1- Mmkay, first and foremost, Crystalwind, you made me blush like a schoolboy. Thank you so so much for that badass picture of queerbait Cloud! And Cannibal and Jaime, you are the wind beneath my wings.

2- Hiatus Excuse #1. Tragedy struck. I wrote this chapter. It was done. I was almost ready to post. Then…Microsoft Word ate it. :mourns: But then I realized that Word was trying to convey to me, in it's own hardass way, that it wasn't good enough. So, I rewrote it, figuratively and literally. And looking back, Word was right.

3- Hiatus Excuse #2. I have a convention coming up, and I've been working like the rent's due on a multi story SephxCloud doujinshi. I'll definitely put up some pages here when it's all done.

4- I hadn't really been inspired to draw the past couple chapters, but I couldn't even resist drawing Seph's hot ass in a SWAT team outfit. And Cloudy as a Condor Scout, well isn't that just precious incarnate? So, enjoy the images. Anything you want to see from chapters 5 or 6? Holla at ur grrl. I'll whip something up.

5- Again and again and again, and a million times over, thank you for reviewing. It makes Sephiroth really horny.
Cloud: Someone register me an account up in this mother! ASAP!