Vincent's Horrid Poetry Hour
folder
Final Fantasy VII › General
Rating:
Adult
Chapters:
9
Views:
1,010
Reviews:
30
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
Final Fantasy VII › General
Rating:
Adult
Chapters:
9
Views:
1,010
Reviews:
30
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Final Fantasy VII, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
And They Called it Sephy Love
Authors’ Note: Our apologies for the delays, Faithful Readers, for we have travailed the grueling trials that are Senior Psychology Comprehensive Exams. (Like dragons, but with Freud.) Then there was spring break, and let’s face it, we were too smashed to type… Anyway. We’re back. Enjoy this new installment of horrid poetry.
As we rediscover our heroes in a drunken mayhem amid pyramids of empty bottles, Barrett doing a keg stand held up by Cid and Cloud, Tifa dancing on a table with Aerith stuffing gil-notes in her bra, Vincent is hiding behind a couch with a panic-stricken expression.
GuardianKiune: Vince, get out here! We need you to host the next poem.
Vincent: (motions frantically) Shh! Don’t let Yuffie find me. She has become…clingy.
GuardianKiune: Heh, well, you fucked her, man.
Vincent: Technically speaking I did not. …That was Chaos.
CraicRocker: Kinky.
Yuffie emerges from one of the corridors leading into the room, a covetous glint in her eye. The authors, out of pity, hastily write in a pile of materia on the opposite side of the room, and Yuffie dashes toward it with an ear-splitting squee.
Vincent steps out from his impromptu foxhole, adjusts his bandanna, sweeps his cloak back with a dramatic flourish, and stands silhouetted against the fireplace. He scoops the slowly-reviving raven from beneath a chair and plants it firmly on his shoulder.
Raven: …Khaa?
Vincent: Good evening, and welcome to another installment of Horrid Poetry Hour…you masochists. In a surprising twist, the following pitiful excuse for verse does not actually feature me. Enjoy…if you can.
Across the room, Barrett collapses to the right, taking Cloud out with him; his gun-arm fires reflexively and takes out a couple of windows.
Vincent: (winces) Let’s just get on with this.
Reason in my Heart
By, Honeyberries
How I’ve longed for you
My handsome angel in black
Sephiroth: If this poem is about me I am so skewering everyone.
To release me from my pain
From these chains that hold me back
Cid: What’s the matter, don’t you like bondage?
To embrace me in your strong arms
To kiss me with your sculpted lips
Yuffie: Damn, his lips are muscular?
Aerith: It’s a little known fact that Sephiroth can lift 15 pounds with his lips alone.
To feel the sweet caress of your hands
From my head down to my hips
Tifa: Where they stop before they can do anything useful.
To hold me tight
And never let go
No matter what Gaia decides to throw
Cloud: A curve ball?
Tifa: A tantrum?
Cid: A party?
Be it Jenova, Lifestream or that bastard Hojo
RedXIII: Alright, I understand Jenova and Hojo, but how does one throw a lifestream?
To see the green glow of your emerald eyes
Your luxurious flowing silver hair
The sexy smirk you wear on your face
Cloud: “Smirk” – by Loreal.
Sephiroth: Because I’m worth it.
That makes my body tingle everywhere
I want to re-live that night we shared
To re-experience the pleasure
Tifa: To experience the excitement between your legs.
Cloud: ?!?
Tifa: What? It’s the Chocobo race slogan.
The way you made my blood rush
As I watched you strip off your black leather
Aeris: You mean that stuff comes off?? I thought it was a part of your skin! I mean, you’re wearing it everytime you manifest out of…whomever you’re manifesting in.
Sephiroth: You know, I’m honestly not sure how I do that.
As I felt your hot breath down my spine
As you placed your perfect lips on mine
Vincent: …How is this physically possible?
Cid: What the fuck, are your lips on your back?
Aerith: Maybe Sephiroth has a blowhole.
Yuffie: I thought that would be his mouth.
Cid: You mind telling me how a teenager has such a filthy mind?
Yuffie: I got it from you, old man.
Narrator: Excuse me…the one without alcohol would like to finish this travesty and get home to their family…
The pleasure I felt was intoxicating and divine
Tifa: Godly butt-sex makes me drunk.
It was simply driving me out of my mind
The way your thrusts had always hit home
Barrett: Which is why his dick was nicknamed “Babe Ruth”
It was all I could do to just pant and moan
When we came it was utter bliss
Yuffie: Sticky, gooey bliss.
Nothing else in the world made me happier than this
Then one day it all came to an end
It was the day of that tragic event
Cloud: When Sephiroth ran out of conditioner.
Aeris: When I died?
Vincent: When Cid ran out of cigarettes.
Cid: Hey, don’t joke about that shit! That wasn’t funny.
Tifa: Yeah, last time we almost ran out of Phoenix Downs before we got to the next town where he could resupply.
When you said you heard “her” call
RedXIII: Scarlet?
And then you just got up and went
It tore my heart to pieces
Yuffie: (singing) And threw every piece into a fire.
When I saw how you were
When I saw what you had become
All because of “her”!
Barrett: Elena?
I could hardly bare the pain
When you had chosen “her”
Sephiroth: Hillary Clinton?
Vincent: …What?
That bitch that fell from the sky
Your so called ”mother”
Yuffie: By the way, I’ve been meaning to ask – does that make you a motherfucker?
Sephiroth: …I will not dignify that comment with a response.
That’s when I decided
To put a stop to all the madness
Cid: By assembling a nine-man fuckin’ freakshow to hunt you down with huge fuckin’ weapons and inbred Chocobos.
Vincent: When, in fact, did the madness stop? Remind me.
To put an end to your evil deeds
I’ve had enough of sorrow and sadness!
Cloud: So I’m going to go angst for awhile.
I want you to return
Barrett: That lawnmower you borrowed.
To the man I had once admired
To once again become
The General that I desired
Cloud: Wait… Is this poem supposed to be from my perspective??
Tifa: Well, duh.
Cloud: What do you mean duh?
Aerith: Cloud, it’s only the most obvious pairing in the history of slash.
I will do it!
Cid: I will get that sex change!
Vincent: Well… that will certainly make things interesting.
Cid: What? No! I meant him, not -- Shut up!
I swear no matter what it takes
I will get you back
My one-winged angel in black.
Yuffie: (sings) Here comes the onewingedangelinblack.
RedXIII: Doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue does it?
--End
Sephiroth stands up slowly, hand on the hilt of the Masamune and a murderous glint in his eye…more so than usual, that is.
Cid: Oh shit RUN! Grab the booze and head for the hi—ggaaauuh! (dies)
After wiping Cid off his blade, Sephiroth dispatches the drunken Avalanche revelers one by one in lightning strokes until he stands in a field of carnage.
Tifa: See what you’ve done…Honeyberries…you’ve killed us all. (dies)
Cloud: And I didn’t even get a decent sex scene out of the deal… (dies)
Sephiroth stabs Cloud once more for good measure.
The authors throw a fistful of Phoenix Downs at the cast and fade to black once again.
As we rediscover our heroes in a drunken mayhem amid pyramids of empty bottles, Barrett doing a keg stand held up by Cid and Cloud, Tifa dancing on a table with Aerith stuffing gil-notes in her bra, Vincent is hiding behind a couch with a panic-stricken expression.
GuardianKiune: Vince, get out here! We need you to host the next poem.
Vincent: (motions frantically) Shh! Don’t let Yuffie find me. She has become…clingy.
GuardianKiune: Heh, well, you fucked her, man.
Vincent: Technically speaking I did not. …That was Chaos.
CraicRocker: Kinky.
Yuffie emerges from one of the corridors leading into the room, a covetous glint in her eye. The authors, out of pity, hastily write in a pile of materia on the opposite side of the room, and Yuffie dashes toward it with an ear-splitting squee.
Vincent steps out from his impromptu foxhole, adjusts his bandanna, sweeps his cloak back with a dramatic flourish, and stands silhouetted against the fireplace. He scoops the slowly-reviving raven from beneath a chair and plants it firmly on his shoulder.
Raven: …Khaa?
Vincent: Good evening, and welcome to another installment of Horrid Poetry Hour…you masochists. In a surprising twist, the following pitiful excuse for verse does not actually feature me. Enjoy…if you can.
Across the room, Barrett collapses to the right, taking Cloud out with him; his gun-arm fires reflexively and takes out a couple of windows.
Vincent: (winces) Let’s just get on with this.
Reason in my Heart
By, Honeyberries
How I’ve longed for you
My handsome angel in black
Sephiroth: If this poem is about me I am so skewering everyone.
To release me from my pain
From these chains that hold me back
Cid: What’s the matter, don’t you like bondage?
To embrace me in your strong arms
To kiss me with your sculpted lips
Yuffie: Damn, his lips are muscular?
Aerith: It’s a little known fact that Sephiroth can lift 15 pounds with his lips alone.
To feel the sweet caress of your hands
From my head down to my hips
Tifa: Where they stop before they can do anything useful.
To hold me tight
And never let go
No matter what Gaia decides to throw
Cloud: A curve ball?
Tifa: A tantrum?
Cid: A party?
Be it Jenova, Lifestream or that bastard Hojo
RedXIII: Alright, I understand Jenova and Hojo, but how does one throw a lifestream?
To see the green glow of your emerald eyes
Your luxurious flowing silver hair
The sexy smirk you wear on your face
Cloud: “Smirk” – by Loreal.
Sephiroth: Because I’m worth it.
That makes my body tingle everywhere
I want to re-live that night we shared
To re-experience the pleasure
Tifa: To experience the excitement between your legs.
Cloud: ?!?
Tifa: What? It’s the Chocobo race slogan.
The way you made my blood rush
As I watched you strip off your black leather
Aeris: You mean that stuff comes off?? I thought it was a part of your skin! I mean, you’re wearing it everytime you manifest out of…whomever you’re manifesting in.
Sephiroth: You know, I’m honestly not sure how I do that.
As I felt your hot breath down my spine
As you placed your perfect lips on mine
Vincent: …How is this physically possible?
Cid: What the fuck, are your lips on your back?
Aerith: Maybe Sephiroth has a blowhole.
Yuffie: I thought that would be his mouth.
Cid: You mind telling me how a teenager has such a filthy mind?
Yuffie: I got it from you, old man.
Narrator: Excuse me…the one without alcohol would like to finish this travesty and get home to their family…
The pleasure I felt was intoxicating and divine
Tifa: Godly butt-sex makes me drunk.
It was simply driving me out of my mind
The way your thrusts had always hit home
Barrett: Which is why his dick was nicknamed “Babe Ruth”
It was all I could do to just pant and moan
When we came it was utter bliss
Yuffie: Sticky, gooey bliss.
Nothing else in the world made me happier than this
Then one day it all came to an end
It was the day of that tragic event
Cloud: When Sephiroth ran out of conditioner.
Aeris: When I died?
Vincent: When Cid ran out of cigarettes.
Cid: Hey, don’t joke about that shit! That wasn’t funny.
Tifa: Yeah, last time we almost ran out of Phoenix Downs before we got to the next town where he could resupply.
When you said you heard “her” call
RedXIII: Scarlet?
And then you just got up and went
It tore my heart to pieces
Yuffie: (singing) And threw every piece into a fire.
When I saw how you were
When I saw what you had become
All because of “her”!
Barrett: Elena?
I could hardly bare the pain
When you had chosen “her”
Sephiroth: Hillary Clinton?
Vincent: …What?
That bitch that fell from the sky
Your so called ”mother”
Yuffie: By the way, I’ve been meaning to ask – does that make you a motherfucker?
Sephiroth: …I will not dignify that comment with a response.
That’s when I decided
To put a stop to all the madness
Cid: By assembling a nine-man fuckin’ freakshow to hunt you down with huge fuckin’ weapons and inbred Chocobos.
Vincent: When, in fact, did the madness stop? Remind me.
To put an end to your evil deeds
I’ve had enough of sorrow and sadness!
Cloud: So I’m going to go angst for awhile.
I want you to return
Barrett: That lawnmower you borrowed.
To the man I had once admired
To once again become
The General that I desired
Cloud: Wait… Is this poem supposed to be from my perspective??
Tifa: Well, duh.
Cloud: What do you mean duh?
Aerith: Cloud, it’s only the most obvious pairing in the history of slash.
I will do it!
Cid: I will get that sex change!
Vincent: Well… that will certainly make things interesting.
Cid: What? No! I meant him, not -- Shut up!
I swear no matter what it takes
I will get you back
My one-winged angel in black.
Yuffie: (sings) Here comes the onewingedangelinblack.
RedXIII: Doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue does it?
--End
Sephiroth stands up slowly, hand on the hilt of the Masamune and a murderous glint in his eye…more so than usual, that is.
Cid: Oh shit RUN! Grab the booze and head for the hi—ggaaauuh! (dies)
After wiping Cid off his blade, Sephiroth dispatches the drunken Avalanche revelers one by one in lightning strokes until he stands in a field of carnage.
Tifa: See what you’ve done…Honeyberries…you’ve killed us all. (dies)
Cloud: And I didn’t even get a decent sex scene out of the deal… (dies)
Sephiroth stabs Cloud once more for good measure.
The authors throw a fistful of Phoenix Downs at the cast and fade to black once again.