The mighty have fallen

“The mighty have fallen”
Part 7


Once he was sure Sephiroth was sleeping as peacefully as possible, Cloud left to find Tifa. She hadn’t come back since showing the doctor out—probably because she felt too uncomfortable. He had to talk to her, had to tell her truth about himself before this went any further. She would be hurt if she found out on her own before he could come clean.

He locked his house up as he left and shivered a little at the chill in the air. Winter was on its way. ~Was it this cold while we were riding from Junon, or has the temperature dropped since the sun started setting?~ Cloud didn’t remember the bite in the air being this severe but he was angry at himself. ~Shouldn’t have exposed Sephiroth to cold air like that. I should have just paid for a bus ticket and gone back for Fenrir later.~ He was self-blaming again, but how could he not with Sephiroth lying so ill in his house? Even if the cold air hadn’t made it worse, it certainly didn’t help the man’s condition.

He didn’t notice the curious looks people gave him as he walked down the street. He didn’t care that they’d seen him arrive with Sephiroth and were burning with questions. He was burdened with secrets that he’d kept from his childhood friend for too long. He paused outside Tifa’s house/bar and looked at the cottage style building with trepidation. The warm light of the downstairs bar glowed through the big bay window and he could hear glasses clinking as they were washed and put away. What would she say? How would she react? She’d always been there for him and it made a cold lump form in his gut to think of her turning her back on him now.

~Don’t be an idiot…she’s stuck by you so far. Just walk up the path and go in. The bar’s closing so you can have a drink with her and get it all out of your system.~

With a decisive nod, Cloud set foot on the cobblestone path leading to his friend’s front door. The “closed” sign was hanging in the small window and Cloud knew it would be locked. He knocked on the door—hesitantly at first, then more firmly. It opened a minute later and Tifa stood there, seeming unsurprised by his arrival.

“Jessica, I can finish up the rest,” Tifa called over her shoulder, “why don’t you go home early tonight?” She held the door open further for Cloud to enter, giving him a worried, friendly smile. He took her invitation and stepped through the doorway, heading to the bar to have a seat.

“Goodnight, Jessica,” he said to the cheery-faced blonde that worked for Tifa. The girl smiled at him bashfully and waved on her way out the door.

Tifa locked up behind the other barmaid and approached the bar. “I think she has a little crush on you,” she said to cloud with an amused smile. “Then again, most of the girls in this town do. You’re too pretty, Cloud.”

Normally that would have provoked a blush from him, followed by humble denials. Tonight it hardly fazed him. He sat hunched over on the stool, resting his arms on the bar and staring moodily at the bottles of liquor shelved against the wall. Tifa’s teasing smile faded. No, Cloud didn’t need friendly jibes right now. He needed a friendly ear and a drink.

“What would you like to drink, Cloud? It’s on me.”

The sapphire eyes focused on her and the grim suffering in them momentarily stunned Tifa. She’d seen him look like that before but now it seemed…magnified. Like everything that had ever made him get that look was all bundled up together in a knot. “I want something hard,” he said softly.

She nodded. “Something hard” translated to “I’d rather be having a root canal than feeling the way I feel right now.” Cloud generally stuck with beer and kept it down to two, maybe three when he drank. He only touched the heavy stuff when he was partying with friends or very upset. She made him a mixed drink that was three parts whiskey and one part soda, twisting a lime in it to ease the bite. Setting it before him, she propped her elbows on her side of the bar and waited silently.

“Thanks,” Cloud said as he picked up the glass and took a couple of hefty swallows. He set the glass down and lowered his eyes, appearing to struggle with whatever he wanted to say.

~Oh Cloud; I think I already know what you’re here to tell me. Please don’t be afraid to talk to me!~ It was crystal clear to Tifa that Sephiroth was a major part of the blonde’s angst. She knew why Cloud hesitated to tell her and she thought maybe she should show some support, to encourage him. “How is he?” She asked aloud when he didn’t say anything.

Cloud sighed. “No better. He’s sleeping right now so I ducked out to come and see you. I have to tell you something, Tifa. You…you have to know.”

She nodded patiently. “Okay. So tell me.”

He looked at her again, blue eyes full of hesitation and doubt. “I…I…oh hell, I’m just going to come out and say it.” He took a deep breath. “Tifa, I’m gay.”

She almost giggled. Almost. She’d known that for years and he was so cute, looking at her now like it was a thunderous revelation. He obviously didn’t realize that his sexuality wasn’t as big a secret as he thought, with his expression so earnest and wary. She hid her amusement and shrugged. “I know.”

Cloud’s earnest expression faded, becoming one of surprise and discomfort. “Huh? How?”

She reached out and combed her fingers through his soft, fluffy hair. “It kind of dawned on me when Aeris and I both kept throwing ourselves at you and you never reacted…except uncomfortably. At first I thought you were just shy, or maybe it was a problem with me or Aeris or both of us. But, you’ve had plenty of other women throwing themselves at you over the years and you’ve never shown the slightest interest. You like to be around women, but you’ve never wanted to be with one. Eventually a girl figures things out, Cloud.”

Cloud seemed to contemplate this, his golden brows furrowing with thought. “Oh. I guess I wasn’t as stealthy as I thought. Does…anyone else know? Besides Reeve, I mean.”

Tifa raised her eyebrows. “Reeve knows?”

“Yeah,” Cloud said uncomfortably, “Yeah, he figured it out…at least he hinted at it.”

Knowing that he wouldn’t divulge further information until she answered his question concerning the others, Tifa picked at a napkin and shook her head. “I don’t think the others know. Maybe Vincent—he’s so much more observant than other men—but it’s hard to tell with him. I can’t believe anyone would think less of you if they did know, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“I don’t know…Cid seems like the type that would freak a little,” he said uncertainly.

Tifa considered this for a moment, before shaking her head. “Maybe a little at first but Cid’s surprised us before. Most of his gruff rudeness is an act. His friends are more important to him than he lets on.”

Cloud knew she was right. He felt a little giddy, finally having admitted his preference to one of his closest friends. ~I’m not finished yet, though,~ he thought, ~Telling her I’m gay was cake compared to what I’ve got to tell her now.~

Cloud downed the rest of his drink and set it aside. Then, to Tifa’s surprise, he reached out a gloved hand and took one of hers in it, laying the other hand over the top. He looked into her eyes and said; “Here’s the part that’s really been tearing me up. When I tell you this, please try not to judge me, okay?” His emotions boiled up again and he swallowed, determined not to give them an outlet through tears.

Seeing his pain and his struggle, Tifa nodded. She knew what was coming…she’d already seen it earlier when she watched him nursing Sephiroth. “Go on, Cloud.”

He swallowed again. “Tifa, I think…no…I know…I’m in love with Sephiroth. I’ve been in love with him since the first time I saw him in the flesh, heard his voice, and watched the way he moved. I…I didn’t want to love him and I thought maybe after everything we went through—even though most of it wasn’t actually him—would change that. When I saw him again, lying there in that bed…I knew, I still loved him. It’s wrong and sick, but I can’t help it!”

He stopped and pressed his lips together, looking at her with quiet desperation as his emotions choked off anything else he might have said. The guilt in those blue eyes was painful to look at and Tifa averted her gaze. “I know,” she said in a more subdued voice than she had with his admission that he was gay.

He blinked, looking stunned and a little horrified. “You know that, too? How did you know and why didn’t you tell me!”

“Calm down,” Tifa said gently, squeezing his hand. “I think I’ve always known on some level, Cloud. Nobody hangs onto that much angst over fighting someone they don’t have feelings for but I’ve always told myself it was hero worship…until this evening. The way you look at him and how gentle and caring you were when you were trying to help him earlier…it was like having a veil lifted from my eyes. I didn’t say anything because the doctor came and it wasn’t the time for me to start interrogating you over your feelings. I also needed a little time to collect myself and think about it.”

His eyes were still wide—she didn’t understand why he still looked so horrified when she was being as understanding and patient as she knew how. Then he said; “How can you stand to even look at me?”

“Don’t do this, Cloud,” Tifa begged, reaching clumsily across the bar to hug him as best as she could. “You can’t choose who you love and I can’t torture you for it!” She pulled away, her vision blurring with tears, and she cupped his face in her hands. “I just want you to be careful. It’s dangerous Cloud. You’re his warden and if you let your feelings for him get in the way of common sense, innocent people can be killed. I’m not asking you not to love him but I’m asking you to please wait until you know it’s safe before you act on it. Maybe when he learns the truth, he can let go of that hatred that drove him before. Maybe it’ll just make him crazy again. Until you know, please be careful.”

Cloud nodded and stroked her silky brown hair. “I promise, Tifa. It’s not easy but I’ve been reminding myself of those facts every single day since I took on this responsibility. The safety of my friends and the planet comes first, you know that, right?”

She sniffed and brought her emotions to heal, smiling a little. “I know, Cloud. In the end you always do what’s right. I trust you.” She sighed. “Now I want a drink, too. Refill for you?”

“Yeah, thanks. I’ll have to get back and check on him after this one, though.”

“He’s lucky to have you looking after him,” she said seriously as she mixed them both a strong drink. “He’d better learn to appreciate it.”

Cloud snorted. “That may never happen. Even if I do eventually think it’s safe to act on how I feel he’ll probably never return the favor. I don’t know if he’s into guys, or if he is he doesn’t seem to be into me. He makes comments that almost sound like it but I know him well enough to know they’re just to keep me off guard. Even if he does feel something, he could probably never…uh…” Cloud trailed off, realizing that he was not only babbling but saying way too much.

“Never what, Cloud?” Tifa said with a frown, setting his fresh drink down before him.

“Nothing,” he said quickly—too quickly. He was blushing.

Tifa studied her friend and it began to dawn on her what he was hinting at. She remembered the doctor mentioning impotency as a side effect of all the drugs Hojo kept Sephiroth on. “Oh,” she said, blushing herself. Of course Cloud would want to eventually…do…that. She knew enough about anatomy to have an idea of how two men would do…that…together. “Um, even if he couldn’t…you could still…right?”

Poor Cloud was blushing so furiously that it was creeping down his neck. Even the tips of his ears were turning pink. “I could, but…it wouldn’t be the same. It wouldn’t feel…it’s not the way I…”

“Oh, right,” Tifa said as his meaning dawned on her. “You want him to be…and you would be…I probably should have guessed that.”

“And it wouldn’t be fair,” Cloud rambled, feeling his pulse in his face. “Not if he couldn’t really…you know…the way I can. I’d want him to like it as much as I do.” He gulped too much of his drink and coughed, his eyes watering from the sting in his esophagus.

Tifa nodded rapidly and was just as red-faced as he was. “Of course! You wouldn’t want…I mean you’re so nice…Cloud, can we change the subject?”

“Hell yeah,” Cloud gasped with relief.

They met each other’s eyes and Tifa let loose a giggle. “You look like a boiled lobster. I’ve never seen you blush this bad before!”

“Oh yeah? Your face looks like a turnip.” He grinned.

“Well, let’s have a toast for getting through that conversation without passing out from embarrassment,” Tifa laughed, raising her glass. Cloud clinked his against hers and together, they downed the rest of their drinks.

“I’d better get back and check on him,” Cloud said anxiously as he put his now empty glass down. “I put him to sleep before I left but I’d rather try those pills the doctor gave me if I can.”

Tifa bit her lip. “You compelled him to sleep?”

He frowned. “Yeah, it was the best way I could think of to ease his pain fast, why?”

A tiny part of Tifa almost kept her from pointing out the danger of that. She shoved it aside; knowing that if Sephiroth died because of something Cloud inadvertently did the blonde would never forgive himself. She couldn’t do that to him no matter how much part of her wanted to see Sephiroth destroyed. “Cloud, if he starts vomiting again and can’t wake up to roll over…”

All of the color drained from Cloud’s face. “Oh god,” he cried, and then his feet hit the floor and he was running at breakneck speed. Tifa closed her eyes and tried to sort the tangle of mixed feelings, hoping for Cloud’s sake that what she’d said didn’t come true.

~****************************~

Sephiroth stood on the cliffs outside of Midgar, overlooking the ruined city. The place was trashed and he only knew a little bit about how it got that way. He felt oddly light, as if his body were trying to float but couldn’t quite manage it. He caught a glimpse of something from the corner of his eye and he turned his head to look directly at it. He froze.

~I know that sword…Zackary’s sword? What is it doing here, impaling the ground?~

“It’s my grave marker,” said a familiar, light-hearted voice from behind him. “Cloud put it here as an epitaph.”

Sephiroth whirled around, reaching for his masamune.

A young man with feathered and spiked black hair stood a few feet away. His blue-violet eyes held the glow of Mako and they regarded Sephiroth with easy friendship. The young man held his hands up in a surrendering gesture. “Whoa, easy Seph. I’m not here to fight with you.”

Sephiroth held his stance for a moment, scanning the other man with suspicious green eyes before murmuring, “Zackary.” He slowly replaced his weapon. “Is it really you?”

The young man flashed a white-toothed smile that pierced Sephiroth’s heart. “In the flesh. Well, not really since I’m…you know, dead. You get the idea, though.”

“This is a dream,” Sephiroth said with certainty.

Zack leaned against the cliff casually, resting one boot against the wall of it and crossing his arms over his chest. “Yeah, but that’s the thing about dreams—sometimes those of us on the other side can get into them and have a chat with old friends.”

“Or enemies?” Sephiroth asked unhappily.

Zack uncrossed his arms and straightened up, his bright eyes soft. “You’re not my enemy, Seph. You know that.”

Sephiroth looked away for a moment, struggling with the ache in his chest as well as old anger. “Zackary,” he said slowly. It felt good to speak his name. He looked at the other man and his eyes flashed. “Why did you have to get in my way?”

“Because it was the right thing to do,” Zack answered with a tender smile. “You burned Nibelheim, Sephiroth. Those people were innocent—they never deserved any of it.”

Sephiroth’s head ached and he rubbed the bridge of his nose, trying to remember the events that led to his destruction. “They did. Mother said—“

“No, she didn’t,” Zack insisted. “The voice you were hearing when all that was happening wasn’t your real mother, Seph. It was Jenova; a virus put into you and the rest of us by Hojo. She wasn’t your mother and you were just her puppet.”

“Shut up,” Sephiroth growled painfully, “You don’t know…you couldn’t possibly know! Jenova—“

“Was a nasty, world-devouring life form that Hojo mistook for an Ancient,” Zack interrupted, walking towards him. “I know you don’t want to believe that right now and I don’t blame you. That pigfucker father of yours set you up, but you’ll see for yourself later on.”

“How would you know all of this?” Sephiroth questioned with a snarl.

Zack shrugged. “Hey, when you’re dead you learn a lot of things. You get to watch over your friends and see things you never saw in life. The tricky part is interacting with you living dudes. You have no idea what a pain in the ass it was for me to get here to talk to you.”

Sephiroth forced himself to calm, rationalizing that this was all in his head. He might as well play along with it because he truly did miss Zackary. He also regretted how things ended between them and here in the dream, he could finally say so. ~I can tell him…tell him how sorry I am, without pretending I didn’t care.~

“Zackary, I…never meant for you to get hurt. I never wanted to end up fighting you.” There he said it…or at least he’d explained it. ~Why can’t I tell him I’m sorry? Why are those two little words so fucking hard to get out?~

Another voice—his conscience—answered the question for him. ~Because saying you’re sorry means admitting that Zackary’s injury by your hands was your fault instead of his. Because you’ve been telling yourself that if he hadn’t interfered you wouldn’t have hurt him…and ultimately because if you say you’re sorry now, you’ll have to take responsibility for Nibelheim.~

Sephiroth breathed heavily, fighting between his conscience and the incessant pull of Jenova’s will. Could it be true that Jenova had lied to him? Was everything he found just more fabrications and if so, would he ever find out what was real?

“Seph, look at me. Please.”

The general slowly raised his head and looked into the eyes that were suddenly very close to his own. Zack reached out and put his hands on his shoulders. “I know what you want to say. It’ll come in time and for now, I’ll take what I can get. I didn’t come here for that, but it’s nice to know you still care.”

“You’re a ghost,” Sephiroth whispered, “and if it weren’t for me you wouldn’t be.”

Zack laughed softly, running his fingers through his hair. “I missed your hair, Seph. It’s like silk.”

~Why in the hell is he going on about my hair? I’m trying to tell him something important!~ Sephiroth worked his mouth in frustration.

“You know what else I miss, Seph?”

The silver-haired man swallowed and shook his head.

“I miss the way you say my name.”

Sephiroth closed his eyes, feeling a curious burn behind them. “Zackary,” he whispered.

“Like that,” the other man said, kissing Sephiroth’s lips briefly. “Like you’re caressing it…so sensual and intimate. You only do that with people you REALLY like, Seph. Do you even know you’re doing it?”

“I…I don’t do that,” Sephiroth denied, shaking his head.

“Sure you do. But that’s the way you are. Do you want to know the nickname that Cloud used to call you when he and I would talk about you? Oh, he didn’t know about us or he never would have said it out loud. I played by your rules and kept our secret.”

Sephiroth opened his eyes and looked at Zack curiously. Zack grinned wolfishly and said: “Sexyroth.”

The general felt one eyebrow migrating to his hairline. “You must be joking.”

Zack chuckled and winked at him. “Nope. He only let it slip one or two times and when he did, I thought his face was going to explode. The kid’s always had it bad for you.”

Sephiroth frowned. “Strife is far too bashful to…you’re pulling my leg, Fair.”

“I’m not, scout’s honor! He really cares about you, you know.”

Sephiroth huffed. “Zackary, stop your playing. If Cloud feels anything for me it’s nothing more than physical infatuation.”

Zack sighed. “Okay, let’s say it is just physical…why is it so hard for you to believe? You’re beautiful, Seph.”

Sephiroth averted his eyes and Zack smiled again. “I miss making you blush, too. Funny how a man who’s meant to be the aggressor can still have qualities of a submissive.”

“You would know,” Sephiroth whispered.

“I took what you could give me,” Zack agreed. “I’d have been up for some turnabout if we could have. You’re a natural for the role.”

Sephiroth’s eyes flicked to him again and he smirked a little. “Tell that to my cock.”

Zack’s eyes traveled lower for a moment and he grinned like a fiend. “You never know. I can tell you this, you’d put someone’s eye out with that thing—“

“Zackary,” Sephiroth warned, huffing a little with unwilling laughter.

“Ha, made you smile.”

Sephiroth gazed at him and shook his head. “That was always your goal at the end of the day.”

“Yeah, well that and to hear you say my name. Hey, you know you say Cloud’s name like that too, don’tcha?”

Sephiroth recoiled. “I do not.”

“Yeah, you do. You know what that means, don’tcha?” Zack was giving him a sly, knowing look that was all-too-familiar.

“I don’t have time for this,” Sephiroth said petulantly.

Zack’s expression changed, becoming earnest and a little urgent. “No, you really don’t. I need you to do two things for me, Seph.”

Puzzled, the silver-haired man nodded.

“First, I need you to roll over. Second, give my regards to Cloud.”

Sephiroth frowned, blinking at the other man. “’Roll over’?” He echoed, “Zackary, what are you talking about?”

Zack nodded empathetically. “Yup. I need you to roll onto your side. Do it now, Seph. I mean it.”

Sephiroth backed away from the man as he found it suddenly difficult to breathe. “I…I don’t…”

“Roll over, Sephiroth! Hurry!”

The general felt his body then, though he was still with Zack overlooking Midgar. He felt himself on his back and for some reason he was choking. The realization of what was happening struck him and he fought to make his leaden body respond. His muscles were reluctant to comply at first and he started to wonder if it was even worth the fight. Zack was yelling at him, telling him to get his ass rolled over. It was ridiculous and yet all too real.

Finally he managed to twitch to the side and he was coughing, fighting for breath while his stomach heaved.

~Fantastic…choking in my own vomit. What a ridiculous way to die.~

“That’s it, Seph…you did it!”

Zack, Midgar and the cliff began to fade from his vision and Sephiroth tried to reach out, tried to say those two damnable words that wouldn’t come before.

“Remember what I said. Give Cloud my regards. Oh, and remember he’s just trying to help you. Don’t be too hard on the kid.” Zack’s form was now only a blurred shadow that was waving goodbye to him.

~******************************~

“Sephiroth! Wake up!” Cloud was at his side immediately, cradling his head and putting the pan underneath to catch the bile and foam that came up. He’d made it into the bedroom to find Sephiroth getting sick again, but somehow the silver-haired man had managed to turn to the side so that it wasn’t drowning him.

Sephiroth’s eyes fluttered open and he coughed desperately, reflexively grabbing hold of Cloud’s sweater as he expelled more poison from his system. The blonde held his head steady, managing to get his hair out of the way as he heaved.

“I’m sorry,” Cloud was saying over and over again, his voice panicked and relieved at once.

Sephiroth didn’t understand and his stomach and throat burned too much to try. After what seemed like ages of heaving, his stomach was empty again and the spasms slowed and stopped. Gasping for breath, he lay there trying to separate dreams from reality. He closed his eyes as Cloud wiped his face, mouth, neck and chest off with a soapy washcloth, hardly aware that he’d gotten some of the mess on him.

Remembering what Zack asked of him, Sephiroth raised his head with effort and looked into Cloud’s worried blue eyes. “Zackary…sends his regards.” He collapsed on his side and closed his eyes, leaving Cloud to stare at him in confusion.

“Delirious,” Cloud whispered. “That’s all it is.”

~*********************************~

-To be continued