CatMa

Disclaimer: I have no rights over The final Fantasy Characters nor is the script I based off mine either. The script used was acquired off the net from Movie script site.


Catma
By Sailor Poison
based off Dogma script

Chapter 7


It is early morning at the Turnpike. Two figures emerge from the shadows and cross the street. They both pass sign that says Welcome to New Jersey. Sephiroth has a cold grin on his face

~~~~~

The heroes sit in am empty bar. A bartender is only person aside Tifa, Kiros, Cid and Silent Bob.

Tifa, “ I can see the news.. “ Existence Erased. Last Scion a Total flop. Cardinal a deaf asshole.”

Kiros, “ Its a crime that someone like him can get into that position of power!”

Cid, “That's nothing! Look at what we stole from his office! “ looks at Silent Vincent, “ Pull it out.”

Silent Vincent pulls out a golf club.

Tifa laughs, “Oh shit! We are so damned.”

Kiros even laughs, “ You stole the man’s driver?”

Cid, “ I told him to do it! Besides he was such a prick to Tifa! You wanna have it, babe?”

Tifa, “ I’ll pass. So what now?”

Kiros, “Let them keep it. After all, if existence ends, no one will miss it.”

Tifa, “ I mean the renegade angels.”

Kiros, “We have to stop them, even if it means killing them.”

Tifa, “But I thought they couldn’t be killed.”

They hear a voice say, “I can’t let you kill them.”

They turn and see Kuja sitting on the bar counter.

Kuja, “We are all going to sit here and behave, until the two morons enter the church.”

Cid, “ Hey!”

Tifa, “ He was talking about Zack and Sephiroth.”

Another familiar voice is heard, “The only moron is you, Kuja.”

They turns and see Laguna standing in the doorway of the bar.

Laguna, “Hi Kuja, miss me?”

Kuja, “ The muse. Just in time to join us for a drink.”

Bartz the bartender, “Hey, where did you get here?”

Kuja, “From nothingness. I shall be going back very soon too.”

Bartz, “ Whatever. Just move on out of my bar!”

Kuja, “ Please, can I have just one more drink?”

Laguna joins Tifa and Kiros.

Laguna whispers, “ I was looking for you guys. I know who is behind this.”

Kiros, “ Who is it?”

Laguna, “ The last person I would have thought of.”

Tifa, “ Who?”

Laguna, “The worst possible person.”

Bartender sighs, “One more drink then. What do you want?”

Kuja, “ A Holy Bartender.”

Bartz, “ I never heard of that. How do you make it?”

Kuja looks at the group, “ He doesn’t know how to make A Holy Bartender? I know you do, Laguna.”

Laguna, “Kuja, please... don’t do it.”

Kuja ignores him, “I’ll show you how to make a Holy Bartender.”

Kuja pulls out an Uzi and blows the bartender off his feet. The Turk triplets burst into the room. Everyone jumps to the feet, except Bartz, who is very dead.

Kuja giggles, “Get it?”

Laguna groan, “Sweet jesus, why are you doing this?”

Kiros, “ Come on, asshole! Lets see if you can fight someone already dead!”

Turk triplets hold him back as Kuja aims his gun at Tifa.

Kuja, “That kind of attitude is going to get people killed. You want to see the Christ-bitch join our friendly bartender?”

Laguna, “I can’t believe you’re behind this! This is the dumbest idea ever. Do you realize they will destroy existence the moment they enter that church?”

Kuja, “ I am counting on it, sweet Laguna.”

Then suddenly Cid starts to laugh.

Cid, “ I get it! Holy Bartender! That is a fucking good joke!”

~~~~

Outside Saint Xu’s Church, a crowd of parishioners surrounds a small stage. There are banners that says ‘Final Fantasy - Catholicism’ as well as one advertising the Centennial of Saint Xu’s. The media is eating up everything Cardinal Rufus says.

Rufus, “ I want to thank, Governor Scarlet, for coming out and helping us celebrate the one hundredth year of Saint Xu’s. True, she is a baptist, but we’ll forgive her anyway.” The crowd laughs, “ Now let me tell you something about the history of this little church.... “

Sephiroth voice rings out, “ God no longer lives here, Cardinal Rufus.”

The crown turns and gasps as Sephiroth pushed his way forward through them. Zack follows with a sheepish expression.

Sephiroth, “ God is tired of your superficial faith. He can no longer hears your prayers. He has grown bored and abandoned you to us! It is time for you all to go to hell!”

Zack, “ On come Sephiroth, lets just leave.”

Sephiroth, “ You had your body count. This is my show. But this time we both get to rain down judgment upon the sinners!”

Rufus grabs a cop from the crowd and makes him deal with the pair.

Rufus, “These are the men I told you about, officer. I want them locked up.”

Officer Raijin grabs Sephiroth’s arm, “Time to go for a nice little ride, ya know.”

Sephiroth grabs Raijin by the shoulder, “You touched me. That means you must die.”

Raijin, “ A tough guy? I eat your kind for breakfast, ya know!”

Sephiroth grabs his head and breaks his neck in a swift twist. Zack looks in shock as Raijin’s body falls limp onto the sidewalk. The crowd start to panic.

Sephiroth, “Ladies and Gentlemen, you have been judged by God Almighty. This is your last day on earth. I assure you, you all pay with your blood. “ to Zack, “ Bring out your wings.”

Zack hesitates, “ Are you sure about this?”

Sephiroth glares, “ Do it now!”

~~~~~

Kuja is holding the Heroes hostage still. The Uzi pointed at the mortals only. The Turk Triplets wait nearby with brass knuckles on their hand.

Tifa, “Are you also a muse?”

Laguna, “ He is a former Muse. He got kicked out a while back.”

Kuja scowls, “ Tell them the real story, Laguna. Tell them about how I was unfairly banished!”

Laguna rolls his eyes, “You deserved it, asshole.”

Kuja, “ I was hoping that you left paradise because you finally realized how much full of shit our God really is. That maybe you missed your sweet, dear brother.”

Tifa, “ He is your brother?”

Laguna, “ Sort of. We were created on the same day.”

Kuja, “We were made to compliment each other. Two spirits to gift people with our pure inspiration.”

Tifa, “ But what happened?”

Kuja, “ One day, Lucifer got restless and decided to throw a rebellion in heaven. Heaven was divided into two sections. Those who followed God and those who followed Lucifer. The ethereal planes were filled with chaos. Angels fighting angels. When it was all over, all the rebels were sent into the abyss.”

Laguna, “But Kuja didn’t choose a side. He wanted to see who would win first.”

Cid, “ What a chicken wuss!”

Kuja, “ I was an artist! I was pure inspiration! No muse should have to battle. We are made to create beautiful things.”

Laguna, “After the rebels went to hell, God sent down all the people who refused to fight. My brother was sent down with them.” with some sarcasm, “He calls it a grave injustice.”

Kuja, “You never once questioned that ruling? I mean, God was being very rash.”

Laguna, “ I bet you wanted to ask me that for all these millions of years.”

Kuja, “Answer me.”

Laguna smiles, “Not for one second. You stood behind your job like a little whining baby. Who gives a fuck if you were an artist! Prince Edward was a bard.. and yet he went to help the heroes fight to save the world. That is why he became king and you are nothing but a schmuck!”

Tifa, “Is this all about revenge on god?”

Kuja, “ After a few million years, revenge is hardly even a motivation. I want to escape hell. I studied all your religions and waited for the chance to come along. Finally, it fell into my lap in the form of Plenary Indulgence. Through I could not do this, I knew two angels who would be stupid enough to go for it.”

Kiros, “Sephiroth and Zack... “

Kuja, “After that, it was just a matter of time. I just used some old inspirational tactics by sending them an article laced with ideas. An old spell I learned in hell kept them off the celestial radar. Aside Heidegger and the Turk Triplets. no one in Hell had a clue what I was doing.” Gives a proud smile, “ Lucifer would weep if he knew what I did. “ Shakes his head, “But no plan would work with the Almighty around. So I dispatched him in a clever way.”

Tifa, “ How did you do it?”

Kuja, “ I seen too many bad Bond movies to fall for that. Lets just say, the Catholics are helping me whether they realize it or not.” Stands up, “ But that only left one problem. The last n gen getting involved. I was surprised someone actually thought to activate you! Especially since no one in heaven can scratch their balls without his say so. But, alas, you proved powerless to stop me.”

Tifa, “Look, asshole, if you do this then existence will be destroyed. All of us will cease to exist!”

Kuja just smirks at her, “Have you ever seen hell? I doubt it. You know, hell once was just the absence if God. If you ever been in God’s presence, then you realizes that the lack of it was a nasty punishment.”

Tifa, “ How can humans change hell? Humans are not even a tenth as evil as you demons.”

Kuja, “ Evil is an abstract. It is something humans created. Humans can’t even own up to their own farts, let along being the engineers of evil. They like to blame their sins on us demons. Mankind turned Hell into a pit of eternal suffering Fire, wailing, Darkness, non stop Barney! The place anyone would try anything to get out of. Why? Because a human can’t forgive himself. It is simply beyond your capability to regret and say sorry. You people get so melodramatic. You bring your guilty and inner decay to the pit, infecting it like a plague. If you knew what horrors were spawned from mankind down there, you would scream. Wanna see?”

Kuja puts his hand over Tifa’s eyes. For ten seconds, she sees all the chaos and misery of Hell itself. Kuja pulls his hand away, leaving Tifa convulsing uncontrollably on the floor.

Kuja, “I will not go back there! If I have to take everyone out with me, so be it.”

Laguna scowls, “ You are still such a selfish baby!”

Kuja, “On calm down. I know, lets watch some television.”

Cid, “Hey, turn to channel nine! I hear the air show is starting about now!”

Elena smacks Cid upside the head.

Cid, , “Hey! Back off bitch!”

On the Television they see a Reporter barking into the Camera. Behind him is chaos. Screams of panicking people is heard.

Yuffie, “I repeat, men with huge wings are killing people all around me! Bullets seem to be bouncing off them! All the police are dead. The remaining people are on their knees begging for mercy. They say this is the end of the world. I have to agree with them here!” Looks up, “ NO! Stay away from me!” Pulls out a gun, “ Please..easeease me alone!” Puts the gun in his mouth.

Last thing heard is his gun fire as he shoots himself, Then the screen goes blank.

Kuja, “I told them to keep a low profile. This is pissing me off. “ sighs, “ No matter. They will go through the archway and I will be free!”

While he rants, Laguna looks at Silent Vincent. He looks at her, then the gulf club, and then back to Laguna, giving him a nod. Kuja catches this.

Kuja, “Giving him an idea?”

Laguna acts innocent, “Me? I have something in my eye. I think it is an eyelash.”

Kuja gets up and looks at the club, “What are you trying to do, get him killed? I am a fucking demon! What do you expect a club to do to me?!” He picks it up and looks it over, “But I am a demon with sense of humor, “ hands it to Silent Vincent, “Go and take a shot! Call it an early christmas gift.”

The Turks snicker as Silent Vincent looks perplexed.

Kuja, “Give me your best shot.”

Silent Vincent looks at Laguna who nods with a smile. He shrugs and swings the club with all his might into Kuja’s chest. His chest caves in, blowing much and shit everywhere like some pumpkin that decayed inside and finally blew up. Kiros, Cid and Laguna turn on the Turks, grabbing them by the throats.

Laguna, “ Tifa! Bless the sinks!”

Tifa leaps over the bar, stepping over the body of Bartz, and blessing the three sinks filled with cold water. Laguna urges them to push the Turks heads into the water. Once submerged the Turks heads in. They start to smoke , then convulses and fall still.

Kuja, “ But.. I’m a fucking demon!”

Kuja clutches his chest as he faintointo his knees. Silent Bob out of the reaches Kuja falls forward and lays still.

Cid, “What the fuck did you eat this morning? Cause I want some!”

Silent Vincent and looks at the gulf club.

Tifa, “ What just happened?”

Laguna picks up a Blitz ball, “He said it just a minute ago. He is a demon. You hit him with an instrument of God. “

Cid, “ And I thought Vincent was just a Vampire wannabe!”

Laguna, “ Silent Vincent is human. The driver was blessed.”

Tifa, “ Rufus has the ego to bless his own clubs for a better game. But tink?ink?”

Laguna, “ You have a Divine Heritage. Blessing things are only part of the package deal.”

Tifa, “ That water into wine will make me a hit at parties. So how fare away is this church?”

Cid, “Three towns over.”

Tifa, “ We need to get there ASAP! Kiros, get his gun.”

Kiros holds it up, “ Got it right here.”

Tifa searches Bartz and finds his keys, “Lets borrow the bartender’s car.”

Cid, “ Not like he can use it anymore.

Tifa and Laguna rush to the car.

Cid, “Think we’ll make it in time?”

Kiros, “Not if we stand here talking.”

Cid, “ Fuck it, I ain’t going down without a fight. Lets go kick some angelic ass!”

Cid and Kiros exit the bar. Silent Vincent looks down sadly at Kuja’s body, till Cid comes back and drags him out.

Cid, “ Stop being to damn angst!”


~ Go to chapter 8 ~