Vincent's Horrid Poetry Hour

When we return to the mansion, our heroes are sitting up dazedly, brushing the Phoenix Down feathers from their heads. The raven rolls onto its feet and preens worriedly at the place where Sephiroth had run it through with the Masamune (yes, he even stabbed the raven). Vincent, shaking the feathers from his cape, strokes the raven’s head briefly before feeding it an eye from a jar he keeps on the mantelpiece.

Vincent: Well, in the interests of not angering Sephiroth again, we – where is my scotch?

Sweeping the room with a glance, Vincent discovers Sephiroth lounging carelessly in Vincent’s chair by the fireplace, having usurped his place, his scotch, and his dramatic lighting.

A mighty battle ensues.

While the two immortals are tearing through the mansion, Tifa resignedly takes up Vincent’s script.

Tifa: Tonight we will be reviewing…oh, dear lord. Really? Not that I oppose the idea of those two together…hmm…but poetry about it? Well, with no further ado, I present to you: Valenwind poetry. (shudders)

Bitter-Sweet

Have you ever woken up

Tifa: A couple times, yeah.

night after night,
morning after morning,

Sephiroth: Afternoon after afternoon
Cloud: Evening after evening
Aerith: 2:30pm after 2:30pm

with this sense of worry?
This ache in your chest
that won’t ever go away.

Cid: Nausea?
Vincent: Heartburn?
RedXIII: Indigestion?
Aerith: Upset stomach?
Yuffie: Diarrhea?
Cloud: Hey, Pepto-Bismol!

Doing nothing to lessen the pain.
Feeling fates cruel joke
as it jerks your strings around?

Cloud: My…strings?
Sephiroth: Yes puppet, your strings.

Your shadow merely being there
to remind you of the darkness
that is shrouded in utter misery.

Vincent: This is certainly a very murky place.

Like a broken blade that
can never be fixed
Your scars burn

Cid: My scars burn like broken blades?
Sephiroth: But then the Elvish smiths of Rivendell reforged the broken blade, and made Anduril, Flame of the West!
Cloud: And you are a geek.

for they can never heal
My vision darkened
My senses heightened

RedXIII: This seems like something of a contradiction.

I am a monster

Vincent: Boo.

Why don’t you look frightened?

Cid: Cause your costume sucks.

You look at me
like I’m as normal as can be.
Even after Hojo has done

Tifa: His laundry.
Cloud: Long division
Yuffie: Your mom…
Everyone: …Eewwww

all this to me...
You still wish to talk to me
Were so different
but also the same

RedXIII: Yet in our sameness, we differ, with a very same differentness.

We have both lost
Yet, you have gained
Your eyes of the sky

Vincent: You have gained your eyes?
Aerith: Did you save up box-tops for them, or did you just get them after a random battle?

burn into these crimson of mine.
You sense my dread and worry
You still say nothing
Don’t I turn your stomach around?

Cid: Right round. Like a record, baby. Right round, round, round.

Drive you into deep mounds of depression?

Cid: I can think of some other mounds I’d rather be driving into, if y’know what I mean.
Tifa: Subtle, Cid. Very subtle. Your poetic grace astounds me.

Is your charisma so great?
Your hope for life so strong?
You live so freely
and say what you want.

Cid: Goddamn fuckin’ right.

You always drag me along
as if I belong.
There’s a sensation in my chest

Barrett: Might want to get that looked at.

as you look at me so.
It makes me feel happy

Vincent: What is this… “happy” you speak of?
Cloud: Somehow the idea of a happy Vincent is a little creepy.

But scared as well...
Oh great captain,

Tifa: Don’t inflate his ego more than it already is.
Cid: ‘Bout as inflated as your –
Tifa: (smacks Cid)

what would you do,
If I said “I love you”..?

Cid: Probably knock some sense into you and make you drink whiskey until you man up.
Yuffie: Yeah, but wouldn’t whiskey just make him more—
Cid: SShhh!

Would my declaration be rejected?

Aeris: Or will it be marked Return to Sender?

Or would fate be kind
and you happen to accept it?
Either way I’ll be happy

Vincent: I don’t actually care if you return my feelings. I am perfectly content to stalk you.
Cid: You needed half an hour of god-awful half-assed poetry to tell me you’re ambivalent?

for I’ll know this is true
I’ve finally moved on
and it’s because of you.

Cid: Oh, thanks to Odin’s magical balls, that’s over.

Suddenly, thunder rumbles the seats in the theater and dramatic music booms from the very pits of hell. DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUN!

For You, my Prince

Barrett: Aw Christ, not another one!
Sephiroth: Sweet Mother, what sins have I committed to deserve this endless torment?!
Aeris: (glares)
Sephiroth: …Oh. Right. Those sins.
Vincent: (grimly pours another round of shots)

To the Azure Duke of the Sky,

Cid: To the what now?

I wish you don't see me,

Tifa: Exploring my gun fetish.
Vincent: What gun fetish?
Everyone: (Slowly turns to look at him)
Vincent: (Sheepishly picks up Cerberus and strokes the barrel) You’re the only one who understands me Cerberus.
Aerith: Do the two of you need to step out for some popcorn?

My fate is to drown,
Alone and crowded

Red XIII: Alone and…what…that doesn’t…oh, never mind.
-
To the Crimson Marquis of Strength,

Yuffie: What the fuck’s a Marquis?
RedXIII: (Manages to thumb through the Oxford-English Dictionary without thumbs) Hmmm…. Marquis: noun, in various European countries a nobleman ranking above a count.
Vincent: Sooo… I’m a European Nobleman?
Cloud: Of strength apparently.
Sephiroth: Does that give you dominion over all strength or just European strength?
Barrett: What the hell is Europe?

Why'd ya think yer alone?
Ya stand away from me,

Cid: How drunk was I supposed to be when I was reciting this shit?

Please lemme take away the pain

Aeris: You could start by taking away this poem.
-
Veteran Pilot of the Winds,
You fly so freely above me,

Yuffie: When we're having manly buttsex
Vincent: Oh really now, he’s not always on top… Uh… I mean…(broods).

Bringing hope and dreams,
I would keep you grounded
-
Lone Gungslinger of Hearts,

Barrett: That’s it, I’m outta here.

You shut yerself away from others,
Believin' yer a monster,

Yuffie:…in bed!

I don't see that, none of it

Cid: What the holy flying fuck is this accent and where on Gaia did I get it?*
-
Cid Highwind,
You're too good for me,
I'll hurt you anyway,

Vincent: Or at least Chaos might, he does have a penchant for blondes.
Cloud: (Looks simultaneously worried and intrigued)

Just spare yourself the hurt

Cid: And what if I want to be hurt?
-
Vincent Valentine
Don't ya see yer hurting me now?

Vincent: Not half as much as you’re hurting my spell-checker.

I jus' wanna be close to ya
I want ta give ya the sky

Cid: Again, how supposed drunk to be I am…in the poem, thing? (hic)
Tifa: Oh, about as drunk as you are now.
-
Why do you keep trying?
There is no hope for me.
-
There is always hope.
I'll never stop

Everyone: OH PLEASE GOD, STOP!
-
Maybe I can let you in,

Yuffie: …to my ass!
Tifa: Stop that!
-
Maybe I can help you live,

Vincent: The more humane option would be to put me out of my misery after reading this.
-
To You, my Prince, I love you.

Everyone except Cid and Vincent: (singing) Did you ever knoooow that you’re my heeeeero…’cause you are the wiiiiiind beneath my wiiiiiiings…


End

Cid and Vincent stare at each other for an awkward moment, then grab a full bottle of alcohol each and stomp off in different directions, muttering.

Cid: Monster trucks…beer…Tifa’s chest…
Vincent: Playboy bunnies, lawnmowers, other sundry beacons of heterosexual manliness…
Sephiroth: (smirks) Methinks the ladies doth protest too much.

*The authors really want to know why Cid seems to be from Arkansas in Dirge of Cerberus. It’s confusing and a little disturbing. For that matter, why is Genesis suddenly Russian?? Gaahhhh! (Authors wander off ranting)

And now it’s time for some reviewer ass-kissing!!!

Asphyxiate.Me.Baby: Thank you for your consistent reviews. Your name intrigues us, let’s talk kink sometime!

Naria Lacour de Fanel: We love your quirky reviews, we even quote “Barrett’s a mound poor bastard” to one another quite often.

Jessifer: Thank you for helping us clear up the mystery of the “pewm pewm”

Nadia: We love you too, but these rabid fan children scare the living hell out of us.

KuroSakura: Thank you for recognizing the suffering we have to endure for our “art”.

Mel: We’re glad we made your crappy day better, please don’t sue us for making you choke on your girl scout cookie.

Kain McAllister: We need you too… I mean we really really need you… (shifty eyes)

Calix: Thanks to you, the whole cast is now roaringly drunk… more so than usual. Believe us, they appreciate it.

Kamisori: Well, okay, just because you seem to like Cid’s dirty mouth we’ll reduce his time out in the naughty seat.

Thanks! We’re always open to suggestion and always open to new material! Like Seven-Eleven, were not always working but we’re always open.