Vincent's Horrid Poetry Hour

Author's Note: We've made our triumphant return! And you foolish mortals thought you were rid of us... It's been awhile because we've graduated and have gotten our degrees in Sex Theory and Mind Control... I mean Psychology. Unfortunately we now live 500 miles apart. Now that we're visiting one another we finally got around to updating... after getting in a car accident that should have killed us and getting arrested in an unrelated incident within 6 hours of our little vacation, proving that we are epic fuck-ups in real life too. On a related note, here's a horrible poem that happened to us and is about to happen to you because we are terrible people who want to share our misery with you.

A fine layer of dust has settled over the mansion and its occupants, where they lay like discarded toys in a sea of empty bottles and the occasional condom (one of which has been turned into a balloon animal). Barrett is propped against the bullet-ridden door, snoring like a walrus. Yuffie is curled up in a pile of pilfered materia, and Tifa seems to have fallen asleep on the table where she was dancing. Cid is sprawled on a couch, his face wedged between the cushions, with Vincent draped over the back of the couch like a brooding throw blanket.

Guardian Kiune: Rise and shine, assholes! We've got a shitty poem with your names written all over it.

Cid: Hmmff, wha? Fuck? ...Where's my shirt?

CraicRocker: You stuck it down Vincent's pants about six months ago.

Cid rolls groggily off the couch, causing it to capsize backwards, launching Vincent off his perch.

Vincent: Whaaaagh!

Cid: (notices a scrap of blue near Vincent's waistband) Oh, there it is. (fishes it out of Vincent's pants and puts it back on)

Vincent: ......

Yuffie: Ew?

Sephiroth, unconscious in the wreckage of some unidentifiable furniture, grabs Cloud around the neck and pulls him in a tight embrace, burying his face in his hair with a contented sigh. Cloud wakes up to being affectionately strangled and tries to loosen the arm around his windpipe.

Cloud: (wheezes) Ghhkk...help...

Tifa: (kicks Sephiroth firmly in the ribs)

Sephiroth: Oof. (notices where his arm is, and shoves Cloud away abruptly, trying to locate his dignity)

Guardian Kiune: As much fun as this is for the voyeurs, we have a poem to mock.


Lucrecia

By, darkgod99


Lucrecia, Lucrecia, what did you do.

Vincent: …(gauntlet twitches)

You loved my father, but that didn’t last. For I well knew.
I find myself with your clutches, inside green thick stew.

Tifa: Why is she…. Clutching him in…green ste—WHAT!?
Sephiroth: WHY WHY WHY?? (smacking himself on the head with the hilt of the Masamune)
Yuffie: What the hell? Was Hojo going to eat him? Were there carrots floating around in there too?
Cid: Jesus Christ! It’s only three fucking lines into the poem!

It Feel’s like jelly upon my damp cold skin.

RedXIII: Well that can’t be pleasant.

Why did you let him do it?

Vincent: Why did you let him cover me with jelly and stew. I am most unhappy. (brood)

…The man you also hated and despised.

Aerith: But slept with…for some reason.

Do such horrible things to me, and thus shielded me from the light.

All I see is darkness, and time has no meaning.

Sephiroth: Much like time has no end since we’ve started reading this abomination.

How long has it been since that day for I cannot recall? I’ve lost all sense of meaning.

Cloud: So have I, and I blame this poem.

You found me lying on the floor, and all I saw was your face.
The tears that ran down it made me want to cry.

Vincent: I would have, except at that point blood was seeping from my eye sockets.

To hold you close and comfort you, and shield you from the pain.
While that man laughed, and laughed you cried, saying ‘what have you done. Will you treat my son the same when he is to be born?’

What you said before I slept, I made me think. ‘I have a son’.

Everyone: (Really awkward silence)
Sephiroth: …Vincent?
Tifa: Did you and Lucrecia ever…you know.
Vincent: …yes, many times actually.
Sephiroth: (sits frozen for a moment, then drops his face into his hands) This is going to give me another identity crisis isn’t it?
Yuffie: Hey, it beats Hojo being your dad.

Darkness surrounded me from then,…

Cid: What the fuc—Oh, right! There’s still a poem going on…damn it!

…but I was not alone, this voice tortured me, for forever and a day. And something dark and sinister also speaks to me in my quiet solitude.
Then I see the light of day, and two bright blue eyes.

Vincent: …the light of day? …in the basement of Shinra Manor?
Cloud: Yeah, Barrett had a little accident with his Hammer Time limit break.
Barrett: It’s Hammer Blow, damn it!
Tifa: Hey, Barrett isn’t the one who actually wears parachute pants, Cloud.

They said they found me, perhaps by the clues that vile man left behind.

Cloud: No, we cheated. We had a strategy guide.

So I go with, to seek him out, for revenge and for you. To avenge you and our son.

Sephiroth: AAAAAAHHHH!!!!

But still does he live, and after I am through with that vile man, I shall seek him out and reunite, with father and his son.

Tifa: And we’ll go to the father-son picnic and win the three-legged race.
Sephiroth: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Yuffie: Now that’s a really weird image.

When I find him, I see that thing has twisted him also,

RedXIII: That thing? What thing?
Cloud: Piano wire?
Barret: A wrench?
Aerith: A taffy puller?
Cid: Twist and shout?
Sephiroth: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

…can that man just stay well enough alone.
It seem he poisons and corrupts everything he touches…

Cloud: …and laughs at while randomly calling himself a genius.

never satisfied never willing to stop.
Until everything’s in his clutches.

Aerith: Or in his stew.

Yet I have to take you down my one and only son, for this I’m sorry, but it has to be done.

Sephiroth: Enough! I must find the truth! (runs down to Shinra manor’s basement).

For the needs of the many out way the needs of the few.

Barrett: I knew it! Valentine is Mr. Spock!
Cid: That would explain the headband, trying to hide his ears n’ shit.
Vincent: Live long and -- (attempts the Vulcan salute but realizes his gauntlet doesn't work that way) -- oh, fuck off and die.

So afterwards I go out and spend my time in quiet solitude.

It has been three years from that awful day, for when I took my son’s life away from him forever.

Tifa: No, just for a few years; Sephiroth can’t stay dead for long.
Sephiroth: (cold laughter from the basement)

Then I find that man can not leave well enough alone, for even when he turns in his God damn grave, he still cause trouble,

Cid: By downloading his brain on to the internet…and sending it to Deepground… and then… doing a weird holographic synchronized dance with some albino super soldier who looks like Cloud and Sephiroth’s love child.
Yuffie: Would that mean that Vincent killed his grandchild?
Sephiroth: (voice echoes from outside the theater) Oh Gods, it’s true! (Sephiroth charges out of the out the door of the mansion and into town.)
Cloud: Oh shit, that can’t be good. And Cid, you can just go to hell for that lovechild remark!
Aerith: Awww, come on! You’d make an excellent mother.

…but yet I finish it once and for all.
So I confront him once again, but in green pale light, and I finish this once and for all.

Barrett: Yeah, your game did have one damn strange plot.

And as see that vile man die once again, I smile, knowing that this is for you.
I picture you smiling face your white hair waving in the wind; as to do I pass into deaths sweet surrender.

Tifa: Sephiroth’s smiling face?
Cloud: It was always a very bad sign when he smiled.
(outside in Nibelheim, sounds of carnage, mayhem, and pyromania)

And so I join you, when purple and green do clash, high above the world.
So I fall into darkness once again thinking I’ll be with you.

Yet fate is cruel and nasty to one such as I.

Vincent: As evidenced by the fact that I had to endure this run-on excuse for a poem.

I end up by your side, but the place where you doth lie.
In crystal’s beautiful and cold hold. Like a doll you do sit

Yuffie: Wait – Sephiroth’s in the crystal thingie now?
Tifa: No, the poem seems to have switched back to Lucrecia.
Cid: Can this poem make up its damned mind who it’s talking about?

So I stand look and stare;

Vincent: Then I stop, drop, and roll.

now I think life is not so bad.
For I shall carry on, knowing that I will someday be with you.

By James Howard (A.K.A darkgod 99)

So what did you all think of my little sweet and lamentive poem?
Pour out your hearts feelings, everyone. All comments are welcome.

Cloud: Oh, I don’t think you’re going to welcome ours…
All: (pour out their feelings loudly, angrily, and profanely)
Vincent: (brood)

END

Sephiroth, returning from the very unlucky town flecked with blood and soot, stalks through the door with his face set in grim, manic resolve and paces deliberately to Vincent.

Sephiroth: Father…I’ve had an epiphany.
Vincent: !!!
Cloud: No, no. I’m not defeating him this time. The Planet can go fuck itself.
Aerith: Would you mind sparing me this time, Sephiroth?
Cid: Damn it, Vince, your kid just burned down the liquor store!
Vincent: ……