One Last Breath

Please come now, I think I’m falling
Holding on to all I think is safe
Seems I’ve found the road to nowhere
And I’m trying to escape
I yelled back when I heard thunder
But I’m down to one last breath...


The note had been short, very concise, scrawled in a curving, barely legible script with blue ink and taped to the bathroom door. The author had been in a hurry when he’d written it, that much was obvious. Long, thin fingers pried the confining tape away from the door and took the paper in hand. The message was clear enough.

“Cloud-

“I’m sorry, but something important came up. I don’t know when I’ll get back. Don’t wait up for me.

“Love ya,
“Zack”

The recipient of the note was staring blankly at the piece of paper in his hand, trying not to feel anything. It’d be easier that way, Zack would come back in a few days like he always did when he had a mission like this, and he’d apologize for missing Valentine’s Day and he’d make up for it by buying Cloud something or another and everything would just go back to how it was. Don’t think about it, don’t reflect on how much it might otherwise hurt, and then it won’t.

Study. The SOLDIER exam was coming up and he couldn’t afford to do badly. He’d spend the rest of Valentine’s Day curled up in a blanket on Zack’s sofa studying about different types of materia and the methods of materia growth. That’d keep him from his own thoughts and he’d get some studying in as well. He had just been getting up to summon materia, anyway, which he had always found fascinating.

He found the fluffiest, warmest blanket he could and wrapped it around him so that he likely resembled someone who spent his time near the Gaea Cliffs. Then he settled on the couch with the book “A Guide to Materia” and opened it to chapter eight, the chapter on summon materia.

It took him an hour to read the first page. Thoughts of how much he had been looking forward to this day clouded his interest and he often found that whatever he had just read had not been processed through his brain properly. It didn’t seem like a whole month ago when Zack had told him to get the day after Valentine’s off because he had had something planned for the night prior. A nice dinner, and then to a certain somewhere he wouldn’t mention, and lastly back to the apartment for some “down time”, which Cloud understood the double meaning to easily.

Now, he was eating a microwave dinner alone and reading about an ice queen named Shiva he’d probably never get to use anyway. It seemed ridiculous, somehow. He might have laughed at the sheer stupidity of the situation if there hadn’t been tears in his eyes.

He blinked the wetness away in frustration, swiping at the corner of his eyes. Crying wasn’t going to do him any good. If he’d cried every time there was the hint of something being a disappointment, he’d have been crying his whole life. That didn’t matter anymore. He had to learn Shiva’s attack rating, her growth leveling, and her weaknesses. Four thousand to level two, fifteen thousand to level three, reduces strength by two percent, uses thirty-two magic to cast...

He wondered if Shiva ever got lonely. He wondered if she ever wished she could be free from her summoning duties and be among people so that she wouldn’t feel alone. He wondered if she knew it wasn’t any less lonely outside the little red ball she supposedly lived inside when not Diamond Dusting monsters for the cost of thirty two magic. He also wondered if it meant he was going nuts to be thinking this deeply about a summon he’d never even get to see.

Just to make the night a little worse, he managed to give himself a paper cut when he turned the page.

He murmured a curse under his breath, reflecting how his mother would have likely slapped him for saying something like that when he’d been in Nibelheim, and then looked at his finger. A single pearl of crimson welled up from the cut, resting at the tip of his finger for a moment before trickling to the side. He blinked momentarily, not remembering the last time he’d gotten a paper cut that actually bled like this. Slowly, he stood and walked into the bathroom, discarding the blanket.

The water was bitingly cold as he ran it over his finger, washing away the trail of scarlet the blood had left. He wrapped a bandaid over the small cut and then again found himself staring blankly at his finger. Something about the blood there had kept him transfixed, and the pain from the cut had stopped him from thinking about the events of the evening. But now, the blood was gone and the pain subsided, and he felt the angst from the evening creeping back into his chest.

Keeping clean-shaven had never been much of a problem for Zack; he was one of the lucky ones who only found need to shave once or twice a week. Still, he kept a small box in the back of the cupboard with extra blades and a cleaning kit in it, saying he’d never use it up but his mom had gotten it for him before he left home.

Cloud now found the box in his hand, the cover open and one of the extra blades against his bandaged finger. He didn’t consciously remember taking the box from the cupboard or opening the cover. He didn’t stop himself from removing one of the blades, however, even as he watched his hands close the lid and place the box back in its spot in the back of the shelf.

His feet soundlessly carried him back to the couch and he sat again, next to his open book, blue eyes focused solely on the blade between his fingers. The thought of what he was about to do suddenly hit him like a brick in his chest. He’d heard of people who had intentionally hurt themselves before, though he hadn’t known any personally. The thought of his made his stomach twist. He couldn’t do this. What would Zack say when he saw?

But he could hide it from Zack. He could say that he had gotten scratched in training or that he’d slipped or something. The only time Zack saw his arms was in bed or in the shower anyway, what did it matter? One little cut was something no one would see or bother to care about. Even if Zack did see it, he probably wouldn’t care--

Stop it.

He shook his head once, upset more than ever that the thought would ever even occur to h He He knew his doubts about Zack were unjustified, but sometimes it just seemed like no one, not even the man who said he loved him, really cared that much. Zack said he cared, but his words were only words and he was always left wondering if Zack hadn’t said these words before, to someone else. Zack could have whoever he damn well pleased, after all, and he knew he wasn’t Zack’s first.

The blade was sharp, and if he actually did anything, it wouldn’t take much effort to get the same effect as the paper cut. His hands were trembling. What the hell are you doing, Strife? What would Zack say? What about Tifa? Your mom? He closed his eyes, his head swimming with the thoughts fighting for control.

When the razor finally scored his skin, everything in his mind shut up as though someone had just knocked everyone else out. The pain flashed through his mind, silencing everything else, and the familiar crimson began to appear on his pale forearm. He felt calm watching it well up, and everything was all right for a long moment.

A few moments later, when the feeling had faded, he stared at his arm, panic and horror building in the back of his throat. Nothing was any better than it had been; now everything was worse. He felt weak for giving in, stupid for letting himself go.

He curled into a little ball and cried himself to sleep.

---

It was a sharp twang and a familiar thud following that woke him up, breaking him from a nightmare he didn’t really remember but that managed to seem familiar regardless. He shifted slightly, keeping his eyes closed and ignoring the footsteps entering the living room area of the apartment. After an expectant pause, though, and no whispers or kisses or anything of the sort, he reached up and rubbed his eyes.

Zack was kneeling next to the sofa, as though he had intended to nuzzle his lover awake, and probably drag him to the bedroom, all the while admonishing him for waiting up for him when he had said not to. Instead, however, he was looking to the side and frowning thoughtfully. It took Cloud’s tired eyes a moment to process the scene and thusly note that Zack was holding the discarded razor blade in his hand, which was what he was looking at.

A fresh wave of panic flooded through him as the memories of a few hours prior came back to him, and he pushed himself into a halfway sitting up position. “Zack,” he managed out, his voice tumbling from his lips and sounding decidedly worried, even to him.

“Cloud...” Zack’s burning silvery blue eyes turned and focused on him, his ebony eyebrows knitted together in a look of genuine concern. His free hand reached up, his thumb gently rubbing the skin below Cloud’s eye. “You’ve been crying.” There was a pause as he looked away for a moment, and then held up the blade he’d recovered from the coffee table. “What did you use this for?”

Cloud’s eyes focused on the pale silver, glinting ever so slightly with a hint of scarlet at one end. His breath had caught in his throat and all the excuses he’d piled in his brain in case this situation arose suddenly dissolved in a flood of fear. He opened his mouth, but Zack had already reached up and taken his left wrist. He didn’t pull back when the older man pushed back his sleeve and saw the thin red line on his forearm.

“I...I’m sorry, Zack,” he whispered, turning his head away and closing his eyes, suddenly ashamed of what he’d done.

Unexpectedly, he felt Zack’s arms wrap around his shoulders, pulling him close and lacing fingers through his hair. He allowed his head to rest on Zack’s shoulder, face buried in the folds of raven hair, breathing in the scent he’d long since associated with the older man. The gesture had surprised him, but it also comforted him. Something in him had said that Zack would reject him for this, would eventually discard him and find someone else. But instead, Zack had showed concern and care and it felt surprisingly good just to melt into the embrace.

He could feel Zack’s sigh, and the vibration of his throat when he began to speak. “It’s all right, just.. just promise me you won’t do it again, okay?” He did not let go, but only pulled Cloud closer to him, tightening the embrace. Cloud could feel Zack’s breath in his hair and he nuzzled closer, feeling suddenly safe, at peace. “I’m sorry I got called away, babe, it was one of those spur of the moment things where they decide they don’t want anyone else having fun since they can’t and call us all in for something stupid..,” Zack was saying, but Cloud wasn’t really listening.

Of course it was okay, he thought. It wasn’t Zack’s fault he had gotten called away, that’s what happened when you were a first class SOLDIER. There were a lot of people vying for your time, and if you wanted to keep your position, your personal life had to take the back burner. He didn’t like it, but it was just the way things were and he’d accept that.

At least, he’d try. That night he had tried too, but things hadn’t gone so well. Now he was all curled up in Zack’s arms because he had given in to some silly whim and managed somehow to make the both of them sad. He was being nothing but a burden to Zack, selfishly wishing for him to the point where he’d actually succumbed to injuring himself as an escape. He felt so weak, so dependent.

“...are you okay, Cloud?”

He paused, wondering how to answer that question. He could lie and say everything was fine and probably get admonished because Zack knew better. He could say no, even if he felt better than he had, although weak and dependent. “I’m...better than I was,” he whispered. That was the truth, at least, even if he didn’t feel up do actually doing anything.

Zack gently unwrapped his arms from his lover’s midsection and placed his hands gently on Cloud’s upper arms. “Cloud...I know I’m not so good at this kind of thing, but you mean so much to me. I can’t stand the thought of you hurting that much when I’m not here. I love you, Cloud, and to see you sad makes me sad too,” he said, his voice quiet, but brimming with emotion.

“I...god, Zack, I’m sorry.. I don’t know what I was thinking, I--”

He was cut of as Zack suddenly leaned in and pressed his lips against Cloud’s mouth. Cloud let himself be swept up in the kiss, the guilt and pain seeming to dissolve from the pit of his stomach. He let his eyes fall shut and his hands splay across Zack’s chest, returning the kiss as though nothing else mattered. And maybe, for a minute, nothing else did.

Zack ended the kiss all too soon, but remained forehead to forehead with his young lover. “That isn’t what I meant and you know it,” he whispered, his eyes glowing faintly silver in the light of a single lamp. “What I mean is that when you hurt.. I hurt too, yeah? You’re not alone.”

Cloud closed his eyes again. Zack always seemed to be able to sense a bad mood, no matter how hard he tried to hide it, and it felt nice to have someone care enough to notice. He’d never thought of it that way, though, that when he was upset, Zack was upset too. Part of him was grateful that someone cared that much about him, but part of him hated himself for being sad so that his partner had to suffer too. “I...I don’t want you to be sad, Zack,” he said softly.

Another kiss, this one on his cheek under his eye. “I don’t want you to be sad either,” came the quiet reply, and he felt those strong arms wrap around him again, and he gratefully slid his own arms around Zack’s neck, entwining his fingers through the mess of black hair. He allowed Zack to stand, lifting him up in his arms and start walking towards the bedroom. He rested his head on Zack’s shoulder and simply left his eyes closed. For this moment, anyway, he felt safe.

---

It was an odd morning, he reflected, rolling onto his back and listening to the sounds of the shower across the hall from the bedroom, that they woke up together, neither of them having somewhere to be, no need to rush out of bed and get ready. It was a luxury just to be able to lounge around, to lie there knowing that Zack would finish his shower and then come back to bed.

He was still in his clothes from the day previous; the both of them had been too exhausted to undress once they finally made it to bed. He figured on taking a shower once Zack was finished, and he began to unbutton his shirt, even as he heard the sound of the water being turned off. Sliding out of the shirt, the single red line on his arm caught his attention, and he found himself studying it intently. A scab had formed on it during the night. It was shallow and might not even leave a scar. Still, he thought the very fact that it was there was a horrible blemish, and he turned his arm so that it was no longer in view.

The door had been open a little ways, letting a beam of golden light filter through, but now it opened further as Zack quietly entered the room, clad only in two light blue towels, one wrapped around his waist and the other around his hair. Seeing his companion sitting up in the bed, a grin spread across his somesome countenance. “Hey, you’re up,” he commented. “Did I wake you?”

He shook his head, watching Zack cross the room over to the bed and sit on the edge, next to him. “Nice to have the day off,” he said, feeling his lips slide into an almost smile.

“Come on, you can do better than that,” the other man remarked, taking on a decidedly mischievous guise. He leaned closer, sliding his arms around Cloud’s bare arms and chest and leaning down as if to kiss him. Instead, however, Zack’s fingers slid down his midsection.

He squirmed against the tickling fingers, allowing himself to squeak in protest and pushing his hands against Zack’s chest in an attempt to get him to stop. Even as he was pressed back down on the bed, he finally dissolved into laughter, unable to hold it back any longer. He attempted to stuff a pillow in Zack’s face, but even that didn’t work.

Finally, Zack stopped, leaning down over him, still grinning. “You’re so gorgeous when you smile,” he said quietly, causing Cloud’s cheeks to warm. The towel had fallen from his hair and the whole wet mess of black seemed to curtain around them. He leaned down, pressing his lips against Cloud’s gently, yet firmly. Zack’s hand found a spot on his lover’s chest, causing the younger to moan slightly, even into the kiss, and he searched for a better place for his own hands.

He settled for stretching his arms up, embracing Zack’s neck, fingers splayed across his shoulder blades. The weight on the bed shifted as Zack settled, lying on top of Cloud, his mouth moving downward and tasting his throat. His hands were moving downward, working already past the waist of his pants. He fumbled with the button a moment, still nibbling at Cloud’s neck, before grunting something about the clasp and pulling partially away to undo them.

Cloud sat halfway up, content to allow his lover to remove his pants and boxers completely, and then reached around, undoing the towel about Zack’s waist. He left his arms in the half embrace, resting his head in the dip between Zack’s shoulder and his neck, nuzzling his face against the tanned skin there and allowing Zack to take the initiative.

The older man fumbled about in the relative darkness of the shaded room, searching for the lubricant in the top drawer of the nightstand. Upon retrieving such, Cloud allowed himself to be pressed back down against the mused blankets and sheets, and parted his legs slightly as an invitation. Zack wasn’t wasting time either; he had already slicked himself, it seemed. He could feel a hand waiting at his opening, waiting to get him ready for intercourse.

“I’m ready,” he said, and closed his eyes.

It was the worst part, he sometimes thought, the cold fingers sliding up into him one at a time, each one a little less painful and intrusive than the last. It seemed to take far longer than it should, even if Zack was only trying to help. Finally, though, the worst was over and he felt a flash of pain mixed with pleasure as Zack finally coaxed himself inside of him.

Zack always made the strangest of noises in the back of his throat during this part, the part where Zack would lean forward and he would find he had somehow thrown his arms around Zack’s neck, lifting his back up off the bed and his ear pressed against Zack’s throat. He reflected later that this might be why he heard the noises, and sometimes he would wonder if he too were making them, but, as always, in the moment, his thoughts were not on the sounds.

He’d know it was over when Zack hissed his name, when they were suddenly apart, when they both collapsed to the bed in a sticky, sweaty, but happy tangle of arms and legs. This time was no exception, and he managed a contented sigh curled up to Zack’s chest, listening to his heartbeat. Zack shifted slightly, adjusting his grip on his young lover. “Mmm,” he murmured, “and I just took a shower.”

Cloud felt a smile touch his lips as he snuggled closer. “I love you, Zack.”

“I love you too, baby,” came the gentle reply, coupleth ath a kiss on the top of his head. “I love you too.”

---

He noticed later that night that the shaving kit Zack’s mother had given to him was now missing from the bathroom cabinet. He stood there for a long moment with the mirrored door standing open, staring at the somewhat obvious empty space on the shelf, thinking about what this meant. The gesture had obviously been meant for his own well-being, but something inside him was screaming that Zack wasn’t giving him enough trust.

“Hey.” Zack poked his head around the corner of the doorway. “I ordered out for dinner from that place you like.. what’s wrong?”

He had turned around in the middle of the sentence to face the other man, and he knew he was frowning. His chest suddenly hurt a bit and he bit his lip, looking away. “I...it’s nothing,” he said quietly, and started to turn away again.

Zack’s hand landed on his shoulder, keeping him from turning all the way. “I’m letting a friend hang on to it,” he said, probably noting the open cabinet and the rather obviously missing kit. “I like electric shavers better anyway.”

He swallowed slowly, his throat suddenly feeling rather dry. “Zack...I promised you I wouldn’t do it again. Isn’t that enough? Don’t you trust me?” Saying it didn’t make him feel any better as he had hoped it would.

“Don’t think of it like that,” he responded, his voice becoming a touch more serious. “Think of it like this. Say you’re...I don’t know, studying for your SOLDIER exam. You’re really hungry, but you promised me you’d have dinner with me and that you wouldn’t eat before that. You’re not going to go study in the middle of a bakery or a restaurant or something, right? ‘Cause that’ll just make you hungrier.”

He leaned in, brushing Cloud’s bangs away from his forehead and kissing him lightly. “There’s no way that I could stop you from hurting yourself if you really want to, short of tying you up and putting you in a padded room,” he continued. “But I can help you not be tempted to. You know? There are going to be times when you’re angry or sad or I’ve been a jerk or something and you just want to do it again. And maybe, since it’s just a little harder now, maybe it’ll be easier not to.”

Cloud stood completely motionless, still rather unsure what to think. Zack’s logic made sense, in some weird way, but part of him told him that this was wrong, thack wck wasn’t trusting him. That didn’t make any sense either, though. Zack wasn’t going to change his lifestyle so that he wouldn’t be able to hurt himself. Zack wasn’t getting rid of every sharp object in the apartment. Zack was going along with the fact that he’d be able to handle himself. Zack was trusting him, and trying to help him out.

He slid his arms around Zack’s chest and hugged him, resting his head just below Zack’s shoulder. He loved to lay his head there and listen to the heartbeat of the man he loved, to close his eyes and just pretend like nothing else mattered. He was beginning to think that nothing else really did, that everything else was just a dream or something generating the same amount of reality and that this, the part he’d always considered to be the dream, was what really mattered.

And maybe, just maybe, he was right.


Please come now, I think I’m falling
Holding on to all I think is safe...