The Hojo's

Rating: R (For cursing and sexual themes later in these chapters)

Genre: Parody/Humor (may contain several or all of the following at some point; Romance, General, Action/Adventure, Horror, etc.)

Warnings: The mouths’ on the four Hojo’s? They are pretty, pretty bad. Other than that... not too much, maybe each episode will have something different.

A/N: This is a parody of the Osbournes after I ate too much bad shellfish and watched a marathon of them BEFORE I went and played Final Fantasy VII. And to make it more fun, I added Beth, the Sephiroth’s Twin chick, who is the ‘Kelly’ Figure in the household. She is certainly a looker. The twins are about nineteen in this fic, and all the other’s have their game ages. Let it be noted here and now that the author does NOT, repeat does NOT, like the pairing of Vincent and Yuffie. She hates it. She LOATHES it. But, she does however, like the pairing of Tifa and Cloud, so that is what is used here, and keep in mind that this so very, very A/U! Thank you, and enjoy.... this extremely cheesy fic! I wrote this a loooooooooooong time ago, when I was a horrible fic writer. I am trying to clean it up, make it funnier, because it suppose to be a comedy!

The Hojo’s!

Episode One; Moving in and meeting the neighbors!

**(Corny Theme song music)**

Announcer Dude: Welcome to the Hojo’s! Staring.... *pans to Lucrecia, holding her cat, Cait Sith, and talking on the phone* Lucrecia Hojo as herself! Also Staring...

*camera pans to Sephiroth Hojo sitting in his room playing Final Fantasy X-2, junk food and other porn all around him* Sephiroth Hojo as the annoying boy twin! And Staring

*camera pans to Beth, painting her toenails and listening to music, Nanaki, the family dog, lays by her side.* Beth Hojo as the girl twin!

*Camera now pans to Dr. Hojo, down in his basement laboratory, about to mix two test tubes together.* And staring Dr. Hojo as ‘The Dad’.... Life with this bunch has never been better!
*Pans to the outside of the Shin-Ra Mansion just as an explosion is heard*

(Chours singing: “The Hojo’s!”)

*Camera pans over the Shin-Ra mansion as it is being painted outside*
Lucrecia: *voice over* We chose the Shin-Ra Mansion because of it’s great location and wonderful neighborhood. The school system here is good and the view is just breath-taking. I personally thought it was nice. Eugene, on the other hand...

Dr. Hojo: *Voice over too* Don’t CALL ME EUGENE WOMAN! Fucking idiotic, I hate this damned house.

*Camera pans to one of three large moving trucks parked outside of the mansion*

Beth: *sitting on a stone statue of a lion, her long silver hair is blowing in the wind. She is wearing a pair of black baggy pants and a ‘I love myself’ pink tee shirt* Be fucking carful with that fucking piece of shit! That is mine! *She yells to some workers*

Lucrecia: *standing in the front yard, wearing her long trench coat* Oh, look! The neighbors are here to come and introduce themselves... what a nice bunch of people....

Sephiroth: *he is wearing a black pair of jeans and a black long sleeved shirt, digging in one of the boxes on the first truck* Hey, mom... which truck did I pack my god damned fucking PS2 in?

Lucrecia: *sighs* I don’t fucking remember, we will find it later...

Sephiroth: BUT I WANNA PLAY MY FUCKING FINAL FANTASY SEVEN DIRGE OF C....

Beth: Can it you cock sucking bastard!

Sephiroth: Who you calling a cock sucking....

Lucrecia: *nicely* We are having company. If you two don’t shut your fucking mouths, I am going to... *smiles*

*The camera pans to the neighbors of the city, all coming up to see who is moving in. There is Cloud and Tifa Strife; Cid and Shera Highwind and Vincent and Yuffie Valentine. Others that live in the town but are not here to introduce themselves are Barret and Marlene Wallace who live in a small cottage on the edge of town, and Reno, Rude, Elena, Tseng and Reeve of the Turks, who live in the ‘inn’.*

Cloud: *walking up and nodding to Lucrecia* Hello, my name is Cloud and this is my wife, Tifa.

Lucrecia: *nods and smiles* Hello, my name is Lucrecia Hojo... and these... (looks around for her children* BETH! SEPHIROTH! GET THE FUCK OVER HERE AND MEET THE NEW FUCKING NEIGHBORS!
*The Twins walk over to their mother.*

Cid: *laughs* My kind’a family!

Lucrecia: *clears her throat* Excuse me, as I was saying... these are my twins. This is Beth and that there is Sephiroth. *Points to her children*

Tifa: *a little thrown back by the cursing* Well, uh, it’s very, very nice to meet you all. I hope that you like living here.

Cid: *walks up next* I’m Cid Highwind, an’ dis es my wife Shera! *Pulls Shera up to stand next to him*

Shera: *smiles nicely* It’s so nice to see someone finally move into this house.

Lucrecia: *nods and smiles* Thank you Shera, I hope I get to talk to you some more. Feel free to come over anytime and chat.

Vincent: *walking up and shakes Lucrecia’s hand* Hello Lucrecia... I am Vincent Valentine, and this is my wife, Yuffie Valentine.

Beth: *interrupts rudely* How old is that little cum-guzzling gutter slut bitch? I have got to be at least twice her fucking age!

Yuffie: *grumbles* I am sixteen!

Beth: *looks at the one called Vincent* I am nineteen. And how old are you sir?

Vincent: Twenty seven... let’s just say that it was a planned marriage that neither of us like...

Sephiroth: *laughing as he jumps onto a rock to sit down* What a pedophile of a man.

Lucrecia: *ignoring her children* Well, it is nice to meet all of you, after we get our house in order, what do you say to a little get together? Hmm?

*Lucrecia and the guests are talking and making plans for a get-together when a loud crash, followed by lots of yelling is heard*

Hojo: *clearly irritated* God fucking damn it! I told the mother fucking bastards NOT to drop that fucking box, and now all my hard fucking work is fucking laying in the middle of my new fucking living room! Damn it all to HELL!!

Lucrecia: *calls from outside* Dear! We have company!
Hojo: *walks outside, tripping over Nanaki, the family dog and lands on his face after he tumbles down the stairs* FUCKER!!!

Lucrecia: *sighs* Dear... our neighbors are here!

Dr. Hojo: *goes over and introduces himself to all the neighbors.*

Sephiroth: *Yelling to some random guy that is unloading an overly big, heavy box* That is my fucking porno collection! I have it fucking indexed so don’t try to steal any of it you fucking cock sucker!

Beth: *goes inside the house for a drink of water*

Hojo: *talking to the group of neighbors* Yes... we would be glad to have you all over for a god damned cock sucking get together.

Beth: *screams, running outside*

Lucrecia: *looks at her daughter* We haven’t called the exterminator back yet. There are still a few dorky faces. Be careful in there.

Beth: *mumbling something, walks over to a couch that is in the grass, just being loaded off of the truck and sits down with her “Mako Lust” magazine*

Announcer: We will be right back to The Hojo’s right after a word from our beloved sponsor!

*The camera fades out and then fades back in, showing Rufus, the president, talking about mako energy.*

Rufus: Mako Energy, clean... resourceful, and replenishing, no more harming the world for the new way we power the homes! Make it Mako! *cheesy smile* Because you have no other choice!

*The camera fades back in to the Hojo’s new house; it is now dark and late on the first day. The camera pans to Lucrecia, in the kitchen, standing next to the counter with several large pizza boxes on it.*

Lucrecia: *taking a slice of pizza, talking to the camera* We better live in this house for a while, because my husband went and had it decorated and painted right before we moved in. There are crosses EVERYWHERE!*The camera pans around the house, showing all the crosses all over*
The twins painted their rooms too, *the camera shows Beth’s room, painted black, then Sephiroth’s room, painted in bright blood red*
so now, we are all trying to relax after a hard day of working. Hojo is downstairs in his lab, after he finally had hinted to the neighbors that they had outstayed their welcome, he went downstairs to fix things up.
*She walks into the living room and sits on the couch, next to her cat, Cait Sith* See... the movers managed to bring everything inside today and we even managed to unload most of it. The exterminator is coming first thing in the morning for a follow up.

Hojo: *coming upstairs, in his lab coat, his black hair is dyed red at the ends, ala Ozzy; and he is sporting major tattoos on his arms and hands and neck* I am going to bed now... fucking idiots, almost made me loose three fucking thousand dollars in rare mixtures of liquid materias! But do those fucking bastards care? NO! *He walks off upstairs*

Lucrecia: *calls after him* Honey! Don’t forget our room is the fourth on the right, not the third door on t he right... that is.....

Beth: *upstairs, screams*

Lucrecia: *laughs and then yells* That’s BETH’S ROOM!

Hojo: *grumbles from upstairs* Why didn’t you fucking tell me before? I almost saw my own fucking daughter doing lord fucking knows what!

Lucrecia: *sighs and turns to the camera* And so, starts our first day in our new home...

*The camera fades out to the credits*

Announcer Dude: Next Episode of The Hojo’s!

Beth: I don’t care if she is a black belt in Karate! I think that he shouldn’t be forced to marry that little fucking slut! I think that he should fucking marry anyone he pleases!

Sephiroth: *cuts scene from another part of the show* My sister is trying to be a f***ing home wrecker!

Announcer: Only on... (Chorus singing: The HOJO’S!)