Behind These Hazel Eyes

Disclaimer: They aren’t mine, they’ll never be mine, I’m just borrowing them and leaving them relatively intact for some other fanfic author to come along and play with. The song isn't mine, either. That belongs to Kelly Clarkson and whoever wrote it.

A/N: This is what happens when authors listen to songs entirely too many times. My mind links “hazel eyes” with Seifer, so this was almost a natural result. I hate American Idol and everything associated with it on principle, but this song is too damn catchy to ignore. *Hits self over the head.*
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Why couldn’t I see it coming? You were colder than usual for a few days, I should’ve known there was something going on inside your head, but leaving me? Fuck, Squall, I can’t believe it.

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me

Knowing that you were always there, believing in me and knowing I could change myself while everyone else doubted and now I’m fucking alone again. No reason to smirk or walk the same way because my support network left the moment you took off for Esthar, too chicken to break up with me to my face. Should’ve known that something as good as what we had would never last.

I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong

I haven’t gotten more than handfuls of sleep in the past three days because every single time I close my eyes, I picture how damned hot you were spread out beneath me, eyes closed and your chest heaving while you gripped my shoulders and begged to be fucked harder. Hell, Leonhart, you’ve succeeded where everyone else failed – you got me to cry.

Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

It’s as if the past six months have been erased and I’m alone again, feeling like some part of me has been yanked out to leave me less than a person. Only this time, the part isn’t a crazy sorceress, but you. Was it because I never said what I felt? Didn’t think I needed to say it; we always could almost read each other’s minds and I thought you knew that I loved you – no, love you. Might’ve been thrown to the side, but my feelings ain’t gonna change, Princess.

But nobody can know how much you’ve damaged me.

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

You were the only person who knew every damn thing that I went through as her knight – all the times I felt as if I weren’t the one in control of my body, the way she knew just what to say and do to get me to serve her, and how much of a fuckup I felt like after it all ended and she was dead. Nobody else knew why I wanted to die so badly. Shit, Squall, it felt right to have you with me all the time, felt like I actually mattered to someone.

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life

Everyone else here at Garden just thinks that I’m going through another pissy phase; they’d never fucking understand that I’ve had my heart yanked out of my chest by the person they think is nearly incapable of relating well to others. Chickie’s found himself dealing with most of my anger, just like the old days. Back before us, before Ultimecia, before things got so Hynedamned complicated and we were just students.

Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside

I’m thinking of dying again, Leonhart. Can’t imagine having to stay here and look at you going about your perfect little life without me. I belong in your bed and in your heart. Can’t you fucking see that or were you too afraid of life outside the iceberg inside your mind that you ran scared? I want to understand, but I just can’t.

‘Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on

All I can do is sit here and try not to walk into the bathroom. There are new razor blades in there and it would be so easy to just cut my arm open and make my body hurt just as much as my insides do. I can’t fucking live without you, Squall. Hyne, that sounds cliché as hell, but it’s the truth. I have no reason to stay alive without you.

Can’t fuck you, can’t hold you, can’t look at you and know that you’re all mine to hurt and protect. I don’t wanna think about anyone else being with you ‘cause they don’t know all the places to bite that make you scream or how to turn you into a virtual puddle of begging goo, pleading to be fucked harder and faster. It’s so tempting to get those blades– but I promised you that I’d never hurt myself again.

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I want to hurt you and make you know just how much pain I’m in right now. I want to hate you even though I know you’re everything I’ve always envied and needed in my fucking life. Why, Squall? Please tell me why in the hell you did this to me.

If I see you again, I’ll probably try to punch in that pretty face while trying not to cry. I can’t let them see that I’m falling apart right now. Nobody would understand. My eyes are burning, but I won’t fucking cry and show just how much of a fucking wimp I really am. Tears are for emotional fools.

Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...

Better be glad I’m trying to keep that promise I made or else you’d end up being called back here to investigate a suicide. I feel like you’ve broken me into a million little pieces and I can’t pick them back up all by myself. I’ve finally realized that I can’t be alone, but you’re gone and you’re probably too damned stubborn to come and give me another shot, whatever I did wrong in the first place.

I love you, Squall. Please come back here and let me tell you that.

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
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A/N: Haven’t written a songfic in a while, so that probably sucked dick. There will most likely be a companion piece up in the next day or so, depending on my creativity.