Attack of the Toads

Disclaimer: We have no claim or ownership over the ff7 characters of this story. Just two fangirls providing a funny story. There is some cussing (aka Mature lagnuage) in this story. Also some character Death. Thanks to my partner in crime for making this story so awesome


Attack of the Toads
By Sailor Poison and Seraf Sephiroth

Trouble started off small as most things did. This trouble appeared in the middle of what was once a room. Not just any room, but one Hojo maybe held many other experiments in. The broken cages and lab equipment was the best hint of what this trouble may have been.

Wiggling out was the oddest of terrors to be found upon the planet. This creature’s round black eyes looked about. Its green skin was both a little rough and bumpy. This creature that would strike terror into hearts of many… was a toad.

This mutant toad hopped from the wreckage to begin its reign of terror. Simple at first, the hops gained in speed and took it closer and closer to town

At the same time, there was indeed a special gathering in the very same town. Heroes of not so long ago were visiting Costa Del Sol in a reunion. The young man with blond hair and mako blue eyes was leader of this odd sort of group... His name was Cloud. By his side were two lovely women. A tall, dark man in red brooded in corner. Another sat smoking and drinking as he laughed at the story the leader told the group, to Cloud’s dismay, as it was a serious story. One younger female was edging around the room trying to steal materia from the large brute of a black man.

Cloud sighed as he finished the story, “and that is how we found out about the Don’s plot…”

Cid, the smoker, could not control his laughter, “Damn! Did you wax ya legs?!”

Cloud muttered, "No..." As Aeris and Tifa, the two girls at his side, were laughing at that too.

Barret, the brutish man, exclaimed, “Damn… How did ya get into the pantyhose?”

Cloud smirked at Barret, "Hey, speaking of clothes, still have that sailor suit?"

Those nostalgic words promptly shut Barret up.

Tifa giggled, “Cloud did look cute in a dress.”

Cloud just sighed, as he knew one of the girls would add that.

Aeris commented, “I thought I looked cuter.”

Tifa replied sharply, “Not as cute as me.”

Barret grabbed the thief, Yuffie’s, wrists as the Ninja tried to snag one of his materia. This was a no-no in his book. As he was about to give her a piece of his mind a local of the resort town ran into the room.

The local shouted, “The town is being attacked by toads!”

This was no worry to them. Toads were annoying monsters that at most could curse someone to be frogs for a short bit till they are hit hard enough or take a Maiden’s Kiss. That was hardly anything to get scared over!

So Cloud, Cid, and the dark man Vincent went out to check things over. The heroes made their way to the sight where the toads came out of hiding briefly. To their shock, the scene before them was of a couple humans after being mauled by small but deadly wounds.

Cid blurted out, "You can’t fucking tell me a toad did this!"

Cloud looked over the damage, “The bite marks are so small.”

Tifa wasn’t sure about this situation, turning to Cloud, like always, “So how should we do this?”

Cloud exclaimed, “Let’s spilt up!”

Barret went to Tifa’s side, “I’m going wit Tiff.”

Tifa inwardly pouted, “Awww…” Yet acted happy, bit wanted to go with Cloud.

Aeris squealed, “I have Cloud!”

Cid found this rather stupid, “Fuck all this picking! I’m going to kill some frogs!” With that Cid marched out with Vincent following silently to keep an eye on pilot.

Yuffie was disgusted, “Ewwww… I hate frogs! I’m going to stay at the Villa.”

That was the last Cid heard from the others, as he was soon too busy looking for frogs to spear. Vincent soon caught up, to Cid’s relief. There was no better person he wanted to kill things with than the Ex-Turk.

Cid scratched his head, “I don’t get it. The frog monsters were never this damn bold. Oh what does this damn crap mean!”

Vincent nodded solemnly, “Yes. It is indeed a mystery.”

There was rustled noise of something scurrying on either side of them in the plush woods. Cid and Vincent looked each other in the eyes… A strange mutual understanding seemed to occur between them. No need for words, as they understood each other well. Both went off to investigate the noise on either side.

Cid spotted a frog just down the ways of his path. For the moment he forgot that he had to stay close by Vincent as he chased the frog down. The creature was a little faster then he could recall. He paused as a bad feeling entered his soul. Suddenly, many eyes of frogs and toads peeked up at him from the grass. The pilot realized he walked right into am ambush!

“Awww.. Shit!” He cursed, his voice echoing throughout the scenery.

Vincent heard a scream from the pilot, pausing mid-stride and heading towards the sound. This brought him running along the tracks of Cid to see his trail stop at pack of smokes and spear lying on the grass. His heart seemed to stop at that moment. There was no sign of human blood but the marks on the ground indicated a bit of a skirmish. Was Cid still alive?!

Meanwhile Cloud and Aeris were also hunting Frogs. Well, Aeris was trying to hint that Cloud could steal some kisses. Unfortunately for her, Cloud was far to interested in hunting frogs to smooch.

His wish was soon granted as a barrage of frogs surrounded them. Cloud and Aeris held their weapons tight as they proceeded to kill the green little terrors. The little monsters proved to be harder to kill then anticipated as they often dodged a close blow.

To Cloud’s horror, he turned in time to see Aeris stuck with a major blow! The Cetran turned into a cute little frog with a pink bow! The horror!!!

Cloud shrieked at the sight, “Aeris! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

That was when familiar white-haired general leapt into the scene. His Masamune sliced into some monster frogs causing all of them to scatter, including Aeris-frog, into the brush!

Cloud was spellbound in shock, glaring at the tyrant, “Sephiroth! Have you brought this plague upon us?!”

Sephiroth just looked at him coolly, “No. Father is the creator of this mess. Besides I tend to take a more direct approach, puppet.” He sneered.

Cloud and Sephiroth looked for the others who had less luck. Vincent was last to reign the group, ansgting for letting Cid down.

Cloud sighed in dismay, “It seems we lost two allies already.”

Tifa cried in pity, “Poor Cid! …. Uh, and Aeris.”

Barret growled, “Damn... we gotta stop them now! And why the hell is Sephiroth here?!”

Cloud explained, “Community service. The more important question, how do we stop them?”

Sephiroth suggested darkly, “We should draw them all to the same location and caste meteor on them…”

Cloud shot back, “Not all problems can be solved with a large rock!”

Sephiroth muttered bluntly, “…… Yes it would.”

Tifa chimed in, “Maybe we should bring the frogs to us where we can kill them all?”

Cloud lofted a brow in question, “But what will lure the frogs to us?”

Sephiroth uttered, “I suggest we use Tifa.”

Tifa and Cloud blurted, “What?!”

Vincent finally spoke softly, stepping up to them, “No… It was my fault they took Cid. I must redeem myself and become bait.”

Tifa exclaimed, “Yeah!” and paused, “I mean... only of you insist.”

Barret scowled, “Why don’t we make the white haired freak be bait?!”

Sephiroth uttered deeply, “Because I have the large pointy sword.” As he showed Barret how pointy it was.

Barret gulped, “I see ya point.”

They decided the best plan was to lure the frogs into a warehouse. There they could cast spells and attack the frogs that would not have the advantage of grass for hiding. Vincent wore the spray of fly-blood upon his clothing as he sprinted through the frog-infested woods. His speed and natural light step made him a good lure for the frogs and toad monsters as his potent scent perfumed throughout the area.

Vincent ran into the warehouse to discover the others were not inside. This placed him in a dangerous spot, as he was unable to leap to the higher and safer levels. The frogs and toads were in abundant numbers now. There was no way he could kill them all before he was also torn to pieces by their little jaws, as his limit not even half way charged.

Vincent lowered his head solemnly, “My punishment for failing Cid...” whispering, unaware of the package of cigarettes falling from his pocket.

There was a stir among the frogs, as one seemed to leap impossibly high and smacked right into a button. This lowered a hook within jumping range of Vincent from above. His red eyes darted down at the heroic frog as it struggled to get a smoke with its little frog hands.

Vincent gasped, “Cid?!”

The ex-Turk swiftly grabbed the frog and leapt for the hook. He could see his allies taking options above as well to kill the creatures. He held Cid-frog close as he climbed to safety, Cid-frog contentedly to sitting in his arms.

Tifa shouted, “Vincent, a frog is on you!” As she was about to save him.

Vincent shook his head, “I believe this is Cid. The frog saved me.” As he used a Maiden’s kiss on the frog… but nothing happened.

Tifa suggested, “Maybe you need to kiss it?”

Vincent furrowed his slender black brows at the very thought of it, nearly feeling the tingle of a blush, yet quickly suppressed it. He looked down at the frog and into its blue eyes and sighed softly, “You owe me one, Highwind.” and kissed the frog on the lips. He quickly noted the change in weight and fact he was now kissing the humans lips of the pilot, red eyes snapping open in fluster.

“Hey!” Cid protested as he was promptly dropped on his ass.

Meanwhile the others were attacking frogs and toads left and right. It was a massacre of red and green! Sephiroth soon executed the use of spells to use his Masamune on the masses. One frog seemed to slice in half quite nicely and its most remarkable feature was a pink ribbon… Plus the fact it changed into Aeris as it fell to the ground was the biggest clue.

Cloud gasped, “You killed Aeris!!! …Again!”

Sephiroth uttered blandly, “... Oh.” and went straight back to the business of killing.

After it was all done, the warehouse was filled with the many dead frogs and toads.

Cloud clapped his hands and rubbed them together, “So! Who is up for frogs legs?”

That earned Cloud a mass groan from his comrades and a smack from Cid. They all neatly burned the place down with help of Sephiroth, who was too overly eager about burning the building down. The danger seemed over… But was it?

Sephiroth turned sharply, “I hear something strange.”

They all turned and looked into a tree to see a strange white squirrel with green catlike eyes staring at them from a branch. It held a tiny Masamune on one hand as it yelled in an evil way, “Give me all your nuts!”

Cid’s mouth gapped, “You gotta be fucking me!”


~ The End! ~