IIGTHAC

IIGTHAC?:
Isn’t It Great To Have A Cock?

By: No_Just_No

Summary: Yuffie is irritated with Godo and is sulking at Seventh Heaven. Tifa is more than “irritated” at Cloud. But its okay, Vincent is there to help... Right? Crack-ish fic.

Pairing: (A considerate writer should always have this, no?) Cloud/Yuffie/Vincent/Tifa.

IIGTBD: Isn’t It Great To Be Drunk?

“Yufi-chan!” called Godo in an irritated sing-song like manner, “Yufi-chan! What are you up to? The prince from the Western providence is here to see you… Meet you… Marry you…”

The young girl slammed the door to her bathroom. “Go away! I am not coming out! Not in this. Not ever!” She growled.

Godo was taken aback slightly. “Yufi! Come on, it can’t be that bad. If you want, I can call someone to help you fix yourself up if you want.”

The girl made a noise, not unlike a dying moose being sodomized and in its last throes of life. “I am too ugly. Nothing will save me! I am ugly!” She wailed.

“You are not. You just need some help! I’ll do it myself even, so long as you go down there and meet the prince.” Godo offered, unusually amiable about the situation.

“You won’t comment then?” Came Yuffie’s voice, somewhat muffled.

“No comments, I swear. But you have to meet the prince though.”

“Okay,” said Yuffie, and the door creaked open, slowly.

There stood the girl, in a hot mess of matte, pale cream fabrics and matte, deep peach fabrics. The crimson eye shadow, rouge blush and lipstick, did not help any. The girl was a hot mess of pink and red. The Leviathan scales--her mother necklace--did her mo favors either.

‘This could take a while,’ Godo thought absently, stupidly walking over to his daughter. “Now which do you want to wear, the Leviathan scales or the kimono? Don’t wear both, the turquoise of the Leviathan scales is far too beautiful to be drowned in pink and red!”

Godo’s aging hands reached up to fix his ruffled mess of a daughter, as the door began to drift shut.

“Momma’s scales, definitely.” Yuffie said, mood picking up a bit.

“Ah, but the scales draw too much attention to your non-existent chest,” Godo declared jokingly, “Stick with the kimono, its thickness makes up for boyish figure.”

Yuffie growled, “I know lots of men who would actually like that!”

“Well the prince ain’t one of them,” Godo said, “If we keep that avant-garde kimono though, the prince will look at your face. That’s not bad, but he won’t like your hair no matter what excuse you give. Its too short!”

“Why don’t I just wear a sign that says, ‘Too manly to be a woman,’” Yuffie said snidely.

“Change that to ‘Too ugly to live,’” and I’ll say, ‘Which do you want it on? The scales or the kimono!”

“GODO!!!” Yuffie growled.

-

She felt Cloud lean over and stroke her short, inky tresses as she sulked on the table, head unapologetically on the table, staring blankly at the wall.

“Arigato, Cloud. Hontou,” she said softly, enjoying the blond swordsman’s gentle touch.

“Its sh’onna be…okay!” the swordsman slurred drunkenly, “Sh’fa, s’more beer!”

“Sure, Cloud,” the pretty barmaid replied curtly.

Her wine colored eyes eyed the growing number of beer bottles at the table occupied by Cloud and Yuffie. The swordsman pulled Yuffie closer, hugging her (almost crushing the tiny girl) to his black leather clad chest in drunken sympathy.

'Its probably about time to cut him off,' Tifa thought, 'Its a shot glass for you, Cloud."

“You know, Sh’uffie. To be honest, you were sh’always my favorite. I sh’like you s’more than Sh’fa and Sh’erith,” The swordsman said, pulling the young girl closer.

The grey eyed girl looked up, stunned, amazed, and an unmistakable “what-the-fuck” look on her face. Tifa stopped and glared furiously at the pair, waiting for Cloud to say more.

“Shure, Sh’fa has big sh’its and Sh’erith has…uh, a sh’ersonality…but they were sh’o annoy--ying,” Cloud finished, “I mean, at sh’east you didn’t s’hang all o’er me…”

Cloud hiccupped. Tifa and Yuffie translated.

Had Cloud really just said, “Sure, Tifa has big tits and Aerith has…uh, a personality…but they were so annoying. (Pause.) I mean, at least you didn’t hang all over me…”

Before Tifa had realized what she was doing, she found herself standing in front of Cloud, with his drink ready…and threw it on him.

“You SHREW!” Cloud countered shrilly, surprised to find himself all wet, “Do that again!”

Tifa made a mad dash for the (mostly) full bottle of beer on the counter. And repeated the motion again.

The blonde’s hair and handsome face were covered with the cool, brown, alcoholic beverage.

“Again!” Cloud said, less shrilly this time around.

She repeated.

Cloud licked at the liquid as it ran down his face, somewhat enjoying the new way of drinking the beverage.

“Again!” He ordered defiantly.

And Tifa, still having not caught on, complied, repeating the action.

This time, Cloud leaned forth, unabashedly enjoying the supposed punishment. Opening his mouth, he let the beer flow into his mouth, swallowing what he could quickly and opening his mouth again. By the second time his mouth had opened, the beer-slap had already ended and now he was tonguing…air.

Tifa backed away as the blonde’s head began bob up and down, azure eyes crossed and face scrunched the Hell up. The drunken idiot was obnoxiously--if not disturbingly--moving his tongue around in empty air as if he were magically pulling beer particles from the air and lapping them up.

Or maybe he simply had something else in mind.

The shinobi and the barmaid watched, exchanging only one look with each other.

Tifa used all the self-restraint that she had left not to punch Cloud through the wall and instead made a disgusted face. Yuffie, on the other hand, cracked up, wishing she had a camera.

“Itsumo……arigato! Hontou…Cloud,” Yuffie said through her fit of laughter.

A/N: Thanks for reading, I hope you like what I have so for, be gentle since its comedy. :)

The rating may or may not change. It depends really. Haven’t quite decided where to take this story.

Japanese Terms:

Hontou - really. Alternatively, it can also mean truth, reality.
Arigato - thanks.
Itsumo - always, forever.