Apparent Pains of the Misguided Soul

A/N: This is COMEDY. That's not what I intended when I was writing...I actually felt quite serious. But...I was kind of drunk. Yeah. Read on and find out why people who love Jesus, wine, Kadaj, Cloud, Reno, and all of those things all at once, should not write fanfiction when they're plastered. *Shazam!*

Apparent Pains of the Misguided Soul

“I like Kadaj. I like the way his lips look, especially when he’s pouting,” said Cloud. And then he said, “I’m actually in love with him but I NEVER WANTED to admit it because I was a macho man who knew what I was all about.”

KADAJ looked at him and said, “Wow. I had no idea from the way you were kickin my ass. It kinda hurt.”

“Love hurts, man.” Said Cloud.

“So screw me.” Said Kadaj.

“But I don’t want to,” Said Cloud. “Cause I love you more than that.”

“mORE than what? More than…fuckin sex? I don’t think so.”

“wELL damnit, Kadaj. You keep on sayin things like that--it makes me mad. And you don’t wanna make me mad. Cause I’m….horny when I’m mad.”

“Well, fuck it. Come on. What … are you .. Waitin for? I want you, I told you.”

“yOU DID not,” said Cloud. “You did not tell me anything.”

“fUCK that. I told you so much stuff about Jenova and how she was hot and she ruled the world.”

“bUT I just couldn’t believe, man, my heart wasn’t in it.”

“Where was it?”

“IT WAS with you man, all along.”

“Damn, don’t you get it Cloud? We were together on this. I am not the one for you. And Jenova wants your soul. She wants your fuckin soul, man. Like the devil. And all that fuck.”

Quickly, Kadaj grabbed his teddy bear from Cloud who had stolen it. And that had made Kadaj very mad. Because…It was a special gift to him, the high priest of Jenovaism, from Jenova, the goddess who owned his love. She gave him.. A teddy bear. And that was very special. And it proved to Kadaj that Cloud did not really love him if he would consider stealing his teddy bear that was holy.

Kadaj then gave Cloud a drink of holy water because he loved him although he had sacrificed him in many ways, and he wished to bless him in spite of his sinful nature. Kadaj also wished to bestow upon Cloud the gift of breasts. But…he thought perhaps it would demasculinize him if he did that. So he saId to himself, “I will hold…my blessings. Let them not overfloweth.”

Kadaj was full of blessings. He was a fucking leader. He loved God. He loved Him so much. He would die for God. God was amazing and full of love. God wanted to bless everyone but they sinned. So he had to punish them by sending them trials. But through Jesus, love still came and it kissed them. A lot. And they were saved in their souls because they finally loved him back…as they should. No duh.

Then Jenova came along…and she wanted to murder everybody but keep their souls. Kadaj was okay with this, because she gave him a teddy bear. Jenova was really sweet deep down. And Kadaj could sense that with his love that God gave him. So he decided to worship Jenova if it would make her feel better.

Sephiroth was a sexy man. He lived in a universe far away and he wanted to take over Kadaj’s body because it was hotter than his own. Kadaj was dressed in leather and he had this item in his pants that was holy. Because it had been blessed by Jenova to procreate Sephiroth, the one who was destined to rule for being a fucking idiot.

Sephiroth then took off his shirt. And Cloud was wowed because he thought to himself that he had never seen such nice pecs, even on his own body. Cloud felt a little bit insecure, so he begged Kadaj to change back into himself because he had a nice package and a really nice teddy bear that Cloud loved to hold.

They named the teddy bear together because they wanted to be its parents. They named it Bethel because their fucking mom Lucretia had not purchased Bethel for them, and they were bitter. Yazoo came along and shot Bethel in the forehed. Bethel begaqn to cry and he said, “Fuck you ..man.” ANd Yazoo said nothing.

Kadaj was the leader of his gang. He thought it waws hot to watch his underlings fight for him . So he sent them to do his bidding because he could. He was a little bit full of himself. But that’s okay. Cloud still loved him, although Kadaj didn’t think that he did. Because Cloud kept on acting like a horny perv.

Cloud said that more than anything he wanted to be forgiven. He tried really hard not to be a perv with Aerith but that didn’t work so well because she was hot. She tried not be hot. She thought maybe…it was the dress. So…she took it off and then Cloud had an orgasm and he felt really guilty.

So…Aerith died when Sephiroth stabbed her and Cloud never got to apologize for being a horny perv around her. He went to counseling and he screwed Tifa for a while to try and get over it, but he kept on being an insufferable bastard. So, he then proceeded to spread his horny perversion to Kadaj, who is like, the hottest man in the world. And Kadaj then felt guilty for being born, because he didn’t want to affect Cloud in that way.

He longed for purity for Cloud’s soul. He wanted Cloud to go to Heaven and sing with the Angels on high. So when Cloud was sinning with lust over his body he wanted to kill himself and dismember his body because if he didn’t, then perhaps Cloud would continue to lust, and if he did that, he might go to Hell.

Kadaj had been to Hell once with Loz and Yazoo. And he knew that it was not a pleasant place because all the demons there were shooting people in the foreheads, and they quickly spread their bad habit to Yazoo who never recovered. AT least he looked cool while he was doing It. And … the demons just looked pretty fuckin mean.

There was this man standin around in Aerith’s Church and he’d been livin there for a long time and sometimes he felt sad because he’d killed so many people. And sometimes he thought that he was in Hell already.

But God, in his glorious mercy that is neverending, spoke to Cloud and tried to show him that he loved him in spite of the wicked things he’d done. God had a salvation plan for Cloud. He decided to use Kadaj to touch his heart and free him from the clutches of Satan.

Let me make this clear…all you who tread here…Satan fucking hates you. He wants your soul. Do you know what he’ll do with it if you let him get it? He’ll eat it fast, like it’s a fucking enchilada. Because those things are so damn good. But…he wants to kill you in a way that so ouch-vicious that it is not even fucking hard-core damnit, so don’t go praising him for how hot you think his evil is, cause believe me, fool, you ain’t got no idea.

But guess what, child? The Lord sure does. And he’s got your back man, one hundred percent. And he loves you even though you spit in his face and said, “Damn, I don’t care.”

And that’s how much he loved Cloud too.

So he manipulated Jenova in all of her evilness to use her for the glory of Christ, our Lord and Savior who bled all his blood…that’s right…not just a little bit. All of it. If you can comprehend.

So Jenova was actin like a shithead cause that’s the only way she knew how. She was a bitch that way. And Kadaj knew that but he loved his mama anyway. He decided to appeal to Cloud for all of their sakes.

“Cloud, you’re hot. You are. But I just ain’t gay.”

“What can I say to make you love me?”

“You can’s say anything since I don’t swing that way. But listen…this will help you…convert to Jenovaism. The bitch thinks you’re hot and you can serve her in many ways.”

Reno came in around this time and he had a bottle of vodka, and a bottle of rum, and some red wine too. Cloud whistled and said, “Man, you are loaded.”

To which Reno replied, “What happened? I thought you were mister pissy angst y don’t fuckin touch me cause I’m a bitch boy.” And he smiled as he said, cause Reno is nice and laid back that way.

Kadaj dropped his pants and said “Check out my hotness.”

Reno said, “I didn’t bring a fucking ruler, man. Quit showin off, cause I got even more than you but I need the ruler to prove it.”

“Hey Reno, you’re a gangster, right?” Asked Kadaj.

Cloud came up behind him as he was asking Reno this question, and pulled up Kadaj’s pants, because he wanted to protect Kadaj’s modesty.

Reno, ignoring Cloud’s prudiness, said cheerfully, “Yeah, bro. I’m a Turk. And I can kick yo ass anyday. Even…when I’m drunk.” With that, he tilted his head back and began chugging from all three bottles at once; both Cloud and Kadaj were very impressed upon seeing this because they had never seen it done before and indeed, it was so difficult an act that I find it impossible to describe here. But you can imagine it if you try.

“So…” Reno said. “I walked into the middle of a love confession?”

“Somethin’ like that,” admitted Kadaj, looking a little bit sheepish. He was not embarrassed for himself but he was embarrassed for Cloud who was blushing avidly.

“I don’t love him, “ Cloud said forcefully.

“I have to pee.” Said Reno, as though he didn’t care. And he turned around and dropped his pants and began to piss in Aerith’s flowers.

Cloud was a little bit offended at this, but he didn’t say anything because he was trying to be polite, and he thought that maybe his good manners would rub off on Reno if he was lucky.

Reno was peeing for a very long time. Kadaj silently marveled at how strong and steady his stream was and wondered if maybe there wasn’t something wrong with his own manhood if he couldn’t pee like that and an ignorant redhead Turk could do so quite easily.

Finally, Reno finished and he pulled up his pants again and turned around, decent once more. “So you don’t love him?” He asked Cloud.

“WEll..” said Cloud. “It’s complicated.”

“Yeah,” said Reno. “I know what you mean. I had a bitch like that once.”

“HEY,” kADAJ said. “I ain’t nobody’s wife.”

“aRE you sorry?” REno asked him.

“Not exactly.” Kadaj replied. “There are times that I pity the fools that fall in love with me. Often they succumb to my sexiness after one mere glance, and I don’t respect that because it’s weak.”

“And what? You aren’t?” Said Reno mockingly. “Aren’t you the baby that was cryin for his mommy? Jenovaaaaa….Jenovaaaa…Why don’t you love me…Jeno-”

“Guess what? You suck.”

“I’ll agree with that,” said Cloud, who had thus been silent in an attempt to live up to his lone wolf image.

“You ain’t got nothing on me.” Bragged Reno.

“Get out of my church.” Cloud said, in a way that was so pissy it was kind of scary.

“Well, damn I guess I ain’t convertin to Jenovaism now.” Said Reno, laughing as he swaggered away like a sexy drunk.

Kadaj went into a psychotic fury when he heard this. “Cloud!!! You idiot!!! YOU just lost us a soul!!! He’s going to Hell now and it’s your fault!!! It’s…Alll…YOUr….Fauuuuuullltttttt!!!!!!!”

Cloud winced and tears filled his mako blue eyes as he stared after Reno with his mouth hanging open. “Wow.” He whispered, in a way that belied his heartbroken state. “I guess…Religion is a really touch y issue.”

The ENd

A/N: You've been waiting all your life to review this story. And tell me what an idiot I am when I'm drunk. Ha ha ha.

P.S. I left the grammar unchecked, as it was when I wrote the story, for the purpose of not detracting from the humor. If this is, for some reason, not a valid reason for posting it as is and is not found to be in accordance with the policies of this site, I will of course remove the story entirely. I'm merely trying to amuse people, but I understand if that's not cool. 'Nuff said.