Remembrances

You. It always comes back to you, doesn’t it? One way or another. Always you.

You haunt my dreams and caress my nightmares. Sometimes I don’t know the difference. Not any longer. Though honestly, I don’t think I have for a long time. Lately it hasn’t mattered. It’s been you.

It makes me wonder if it has truly grown that sad, if it really is that pathetic. But it doesn’t matter no matter how it is. It hasn’t for longer than I can remember. You know as well as I do that if it ever truly mattered, I wouldn’t be here. And neither would you.

Nothing would be as it is. Nothing could be. And you know, home is so far away. I don’t think it even exists any more. Perhaps but in the heart of a soul, lost from here. I lost it somewhere along the way. So long ago.

I think that was before I met you.

Before you there was a place in my heart that I could always return. But it was never home. That place had long since been destroyed. Do you ever remember hearing about the one of us, Turks that is, with the beautiful hair of fire? He had a personality to match. He made that place closer to a home than I have ever had in my life.

So I had a street rat and a raven. They made the small apartment home. But then my fiery rat died. And everything turned slowly downwards. The little I had of my own was nothing. And it always had been. It was just shoved in my face again. Not that I had ever minded, but alone, with nothing. Sometimes it’s more than someone can handle.

So they made me leave. What more was there to do? I had nothing but the gun Father had given me and an old materia I had found as a child. Not even my name, if I had wanted my job. And I did need to eat. So I left. And that’s when I saw you. Or was it you found me?

Broken and angry, it still always comes back to you. I was nothing and they so desperately wanted me to find something in nothing. But I knew I never would. Not without what I had for so long. The little keeping me together, if just barely. But it was always enough to keep me neat and tidy. Presentable. Without that, I was nothing.

It was like the waves of Leviathan washing through me just under the surface, just below what anyone could see. How did they expect that to just die down and go away? They had been the ones to cause such deep pain. Leviathan help us all. Wash the waters clean.

And then there was you.

In the distance so calm and coy. Standing there with purpose and reason. It mattered little. I mattered less. Did you even know? I stood not a chance. Not when there was only you and the waters of confusion, everywhere. Everywhere and nothing. All around. There was really nothing to do but let all defenses fail. And only for you.