Mystery Science Dementia 3000

WARNING: This an adult story. It contains adult situations. Such as sex and obscene langauge. This fic is NOT for the weak of heart or stomach. If you are reading this, you consent that you are responsible enough to read this. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!


Mystery Science Dementia 3000

DISCLAIMER: This fic is *NOT* mine. It is the property of PJ, and only PJ. Thank god. Now, of course I do not own Tifa, Cloud, Aeris, or anything affiliated with Squaresoft. I just play the games. Dino appears by my selection. Jase appears at Jase's discretion. All others characters, well...you get the idea.

DRIVE-IN TOTALS:
143 Dead Bodies
1 Returned-From-The-Dead Body
1 Massive Plot Contrivance
3 Consensual Sex Scenes
4 Rape Scenes
2 Beastiality Scenes
Gratuitous Monster Penis
Gratuitous Plot Contrivance
Gratuitous Oral Sex With the Elderly
Kung Fu
Materia Fu
Tentacle Fu
**** 1/2 Stars

(Satellite of Dementia. Jase and Dino are sitting tinkering with what looks to be massive laser cannons. Ana enters stage left carrying a suitcase.)
Dino: See I told you! Having lasers would rock!
Jase: I never disagreed!
Ana: Well, finished packing!
Dino and JAse: What?!
Ana: I'm going home! You didn't get the memo?

(Ana holds up a peice of paper that has released on it. JAse and Dino eye two peices of what could have once been paper on the wall, but has large burn marks all over it.)
Dino:....maybe?
Jase: I thought that was Dr. Demento's joke for the week!
Ana: Nope! *strikes a superhero pose* I'm going back to home!
DIno: .....That's lame
Jase: UNFAIR!
(Commercial sign flashes.)

Ana: Commercial!
Dino: *grumbling*
Jase: ....we'll be back *taps it muttering*

******
(Commercials for genital herpes treatments, Nightwalkers shameless self plug, and God of War: Chains of Olympus)
******

(Resuming Feed. Ana and JAse are in a heated argument with JAse threatening with his laser cannon. Dino is, of course, studying the burnt remains of the memo)
Jase: How come you get to go home?!
Ana: I dunno! But I am! MWAHAHAH!
Dino: .....I think it says Ana...
Ana: *fwaps Dino with her memo copy* Read it and weep!
Dino: .....well too late for the weeping bit
Jase: What God did we piss off to have to stay?!
(MADs light flashes)
Ana: Goodie! The last one I'll ever hear! *taps it*

(Department of Demented Projects. Dr. Demento is working vigorously on scribbling something. His assistant Luna sitting off to the side clearing her throat, in a vain attempt to get Demento's attention.)
Luna: .....Umm Dr?
Dr. D: WHAT?!....oh...*leans back in his chair* Good evening kiddos! How's my favorite guin.....er. People today?

(SoD)
Dino and Jase: HOW COME SHE-*cut off imediately by an iron wrench nailing both in the head*
Ana: Hiya Demento-kins!
Dino: ...ow....Demento-kins?
Jase: ....SHE SUCKED UP TO HIM! THAT'S HO- *slammed with the wrench again*
Ana: SHADDAP!

(DoD. Dr. Demento's giggling like a schoolgirl.)
Dr. D: I see we got the memo? So, Ana, ready to go?
Luna: The teleporter's ready sir!

(SoD. Ana has collected her suitcase and spins to the guys)
Ana: ...I hate goodbyes....SEE YA LATER LOSERS! *flees into the teleporter and in a poof of smoke, Ana's gone*
Dino: ...How come she gets to go home?
Jase: YEA!

(DoD)
Dr. D: Home? Why she's being teleported to Pluto...or the sun, whichever Luna put in.
Luna: ...I haven't touched the co-ordinates sir...
Dr. D: Oh...well.....then she's going to *leans over to the screen* Krypton apparently.
Luna: That place doesn't exist anymore Doctor!
Dr. D: Well....she'll be in for a shock won't she? No matter, seeing as how Ana is gone, we'll be doing casting trials for her replacement. Starting now!
Luna: I hit the button now?
Dr. D: Oh for Chrit......YES!

(SoD. Lights begin flickering and strange ghost like sounds echo through out the place)
Dino: SWEET! We're getting a poltergeist?!
Jase:....How you manage to not kill yourself as a child still amazes me. It's a Xenomorph..
Dino:....crap

(The lights finally return to normal, and sitting by the switch is Kat.)
Kat: Damnit, I got caught
Dino: ......is too late to get a poltergesit?
(Commercial sign flashes)
Jase: Again? What is this the season opener?
Dino: ...yup
Jase: ......crap *pushes it*

============================================
(Commercial ads feature God of War: Chains of Olympus, again. Final Fantasy VII: Crisis Core, and a man in a taco suit)
============================================

(SoD)
Dino: So...she permenant?
Jase: ....
Kat: ......You guys are silent a alot.
Jase: IT'll rub off.....especially after you witness the horrors we've seen.
Kat: Pff how bad can it be?

(DoD)
Dr. D: That's the spirit Kat! Now, for the season opening Fic! We've got a PJ! The Quest for Aeris!
Luna: Now Doctor?
Dr. D: No!

(SoD)

Dino: PJ!?!? AGAIN?! NOOOOOOO!
Kat: Bit over dramatic aren't you?
Dino: Not really....*points at Jase*
Jase: *curled up in a ball rocking back and forth sucking on his thumb* No mommy, I don't wanna, please mommy!
Kat: .......wow.....
Dino: ..yea..

(DoD)
Dr.D: Now Luna! MWAHAHA! Enjoy the show kiddies

*Klaxons wailing*
Jase: We've got a fic siiiiiiiiiiiiiign
Dino: .....joy!
Kat: .....a what?
Dino: ...this way *shoves Kat towards the theatre*

(Door 7-A Dog Bone, of course)
(Door 6-It's Doug Herzog. You kick him in the groin, laugh at his pain,
and leave.)
(Door 5-It's an ad for Scream 3. Depending on your preference, you
either tear it to shreds or bow down and worship it, then move on)
(Door 4-You walk into a chat room right in the middle of a huge,
incomprehensible roleplay. Confused, you walk out, shaking your head)
(Door 3-An ad for Nightwalker's RP. You note the shameless
plug and move on)
(Door 2-A solid wall of ice. You grab a flamethrower and melt an
entrance)
(Door 1-Death stands before you. He points beyond him, and you hurry
by.)
(Door .69-A black hole opens in the fabric of reality, sucking you into
the theater)

(New Order, New Season: Dino, Kat, Jase)
Kat: Is it really that bad?
Dino: Yup
Jase: ...Think about slamming your cans in a dresser drawer multiuple times
Kat: .....ouch...
Dino: times that by a million
Kat:........
(Everyone sits)

>FINAL FANTASY:

Dino: The last one, honest
Kat: Hey don't bash Final Fantasy!
Jase: ....The fic will do the job, I'm sure


>THE QUEST FOR AERIS

Dino: And the holy grail.....
Jase: ..........maybe
Kat: Do you two always finish each others sentences?
Dino: Some..
Jase:...times

>by PJ

Kat: Hey! I could insert a pajama-
Dino: BEen there
Jase: Done that.
Kat: Damnit

>---

Dino: We already have to sign a waiver?
Jase: That can't be good
Kat: I'm sure you two are just making it worse than it actually is
Dino and Jase: .....

>(I)

Kat: And it's a fullllll moon tonight


>The hot desert wind

Dino: Tattooine?
Jase: What the hell?
Kat: Isn't this Final Fantasy not Star Wars?

>washed across Tifa Lockheart

Dino: (Tifa) Ahhh....nothing smoothes the skin like 'Hot Desert Wind' body wash
Kat: ...ookay

>as she marched resolutely

Jase: Holy crap!
Dino: What?
Jase: She has a purpose!
Kat: ....

>towards the looming steppe. She held the right hand of Marlene Wallace

Dino: Pedophilia?
Kat: What?
Jase: Marlene and Tifa, Kat, keep up.
Kat: She's just holding her hand!
Dino and Jase: ...it's a lemon..
Kat: ....oh...well....

>tightly,

All: *makes crunching noises*

>keeping the little girl upright and moving forward.

Jase: (Drill Sargeant) C'mon! Double time maggot! We got days to go!

>The sun slowly descended into the western horizon,

Dino: ...Into?
Jase: There's no explosion?
Kat: You'd figure something with that much energy would at least make some smoke or something.

>but the wind was still as strong as ever,

Kat: The wind must work out
Dino and Jase: (Vague Austrian Accents) We vant to pump *claps* YOU UP!
Kat: ugh...

>doing its best to discourage Tifa from her goal.

Kat: But she wanted to use those free BReast Enlargement coupons she got in the newspaper
Jase: Wouldn't they explode?
Dino: I'd think so

>The buxom young woman

Jase: Indeed she is....
Kat: Jase...you're making a river
Dino: *snickering*

>hugged her gray cloak closer to her body,

Dino: BINKIE! My blanky

>bending herself down

Kat: Is she going to get it already?
Jase: It wouldn't be the first time..
Dino: ...and definately not the last

>to keep the hood upon her head.

Dino: Would a hermaphodism joke be really good or bad here?
Kat: *turning a bit green*
Jase: ..I'm sure you'll have your chance later
Dino: Okay

>The wind blew across her back,

Dino: So...who's doing th blowing?
Kat: The wind...
Jase: I'm sure Tifa won't be far behind in this lemon

>flapping the edges of her cloak

Kat: (Tifa) I am the cleavage that flaps in the night! I am BOSOM GIRL!
Dino: Two points
Kat: THanks

>as she reached the foot of the immense step.

Jase: The Jolly Green Giant's in Final Fantasy?
Kat: IT would appear so

>Tifa began the climb up the gentle slope of the steppe

Dino:I guess ya just gotta take it steppe by steppe ...
Kat: .....that was one of the worst puns...EVER
Jase: I have to agree

>just as the sun disappeared in a blaze of red-purple light.

Dino: SEPHIROTH!
Jase: Huh?
Dino: Obviously he must be using Super-Nova
Kat: ...obviously, but he isn't
Dino: Damn I was hoping for a premature ending
Jase: Oh I'm sure somethings will be premature
Kat: *snickering*

>Marlene watched the sunset with wonder, until Tifa tugged her forward.

Jase: (Police Officer) Move along nothing to see...move along show's over

>Night was fully upon them

Dino: I wonder if it's heavy
Kat: What?
Dino: The night

>when the two girls eventually reached the summit of
the steppe.

Kat: (Tifa) I claim this mountain in the name of silicon enhanced whores everywhere!
Dino: Which mountain? The left or the
Jase: Calm down, spunky

>They stumbled up the last few steps to the entry arch,

Dino: (Marlene) Water ... water ...
Jase: (Tifa) Silicone ... silicone ...

>where they halted to catch their breath.

Kat: That air's not moving to fast, obviously

>"Halt!

All: *singing* In the naaame of looove ...

>Who goes there?" asked a young man with a stout spear.

All: *snicker*
Dino: I know it's a lemon, but geez...give a bit of time for the innuendos

>"My name is Tifa Lockheart,

Kat: (Tifa) Is that a spear in your pocket or you just happy to see me
Dino: (Guard) Actually it's just a spear
Kat: (Tifa) Poopie no lemon for you then

>and this is Marlene.

Jase: (Guard) Yea and I'm the wicked witch of the East, you got a point sister?
Dino: (Tifa) No, but you'll have one when you watch me walk off

>I'm here to see Nanaki."
>"Tifa Lockheart? One of the Heroes?

Dino: (Tifa) No. One of the whores he sent for!
Jase: Wouldn't put it by PJ, I really wouldn't

>I must alert the elders at once! Please wait here a moment!"

Jase: (Guard) Or a few hours...it's nap time you see, then we have to change them, then they'll be right down

>shouted the boy before he sprinted back into the village.

Kat: Good to know they have a chance at the Olympics this year

>"Tifa, I'm hungry and thirsty,"

Dino: (Marlene) Are we there yet?
Kat: (same) I have to go to the bathroom!
Jase: (Tifa) Shaddap! I told you, go before we go or you'll be forced in a bad lemon!

>murmured Marlene through cracked lips.

Kat: Carmex works wonders

>"I know, honey. So am I."
>Tifa continued to hold Marlene's hand

Dino: They're there, right?
Kat: Yea
Dino: So why is Tifa still holding her hand?
Jase: *snickering*
Dino: Nevermind, I don't care
Jase: Poopie

>until the young guard returned with an elder of Cosmo Canyon.

Dino: (Elder) Codfounded silicone-enhanced whipper-snappers always wantin to use the canyon in the middle of night dagblasted teenagers

>"Please forgive the delay.

Jase: (Elder) We now return you to your regular scheduled lemon
Dino: ah crap

>I offer you the hospitality of Cosmo Canyon,"
>said the old man with a beckoning wave of his hand.

Kat: Come into my lemon said the elder to the silicone


>"Is Nanaki here?" inquired Tifa,

Dino: Inquiring minds must know!...oh yea, and Tifa too.

>with Marlene close behind her.

Jase: One rip and MArlene's done for
Kat: Huh?
Dino: *falls off his chair laughing*

>"Oh, yes.

Kat: (Elder) YES! YES! YES!
Dino: (Tifa) you ok?
Kat: (Elder) Sorry I was thinking about my HErbal Essence shampoo again

>He's patrolling outside of town right now.

Jase: Yea. "Patrolling". That's what he calls getting hammered at the bar
Dino: Sounds the same, patrolling the bar for any ho-
Kat: ....Stop there. Nanaki sex *cringe* Bad thought

>He always checks the perimeter of Cosmo Canyon at dusk. He should be
>back soon."

Dino: (Elder) After this commercial break?
Jase: Another one?!
Dino: Dude it's a show, lighten up
Jase: ...oh...right

>"Is there somewhere with food and drink, we've been traveling quite a
>while."

Kat: (Elder) What is this...food and...drink you speak of?
Dino: Apparently Tifa believe people in Cosmo Canyon are just...there
Jase: ...Is that the best riff you two could come up with?
Dino: Didn't see you trying

>"Of course, Miss Lockheart.

Jase: (Black Southerner) Why YES'M Miss Lockheart, I bes sho' nuff gittin yous all sum stuffin' for yas
Dino: Holy crap, that actually sounded like a typical redneck impersonating a slave in the 1800's
Jase: I try

>We have several excellent taverns,

Kat: (Elder) The beer tastes like cat piss though

>I shall treat you to a fine meal myself."

Jase: ....So he's ordering out for Chinese?
Dino: Sh! Squaresoft. Japanese maybe

>"Thank you, elder," nodded Tifa gratefully.

>The small group entered one of the first level eateries,

Dino: So why not just stop there?
Jase: First level. Bad food.
Kat: BEcause they'd have such WONDERFUL food being in a freakin desert.

>where Tifa and Marlene gorged on roast chicken, corn, and freshly baked
>bread.

Dino: Thought little did they know, there was a tasteless and odourless poison in their foods. Later that night as they slept the poison acted much like acid eating them from the insides
Kat: What the hell was that?!
Jase: A little early to be dark isn't it?
Dino: Never too early

>They drank sweet wine and devoured several rich pastries for dessert.

Jase: (Tifa) Mmm..toaster Stru-....wait! This is a freakin Pop-Tart! DAMN YOU CHEAP COSMO CANYON BASTARD!

>Marlene sighed contentedly,

Dino: And belched loud enough to shake the walls of Cosmo Canyon

>sitting back in her chair with a pretty smile. Tifa sipped from a mug
>of wine,

Jase:(Tifa) The mug goes straight to your head!
Dino: And we just lost the Aussie readers on that joke
Kat: *snickering*

>listening to the elder's tales of life in Cosmo Canyon after the fall
>and destruction of Meteor.

Dino: (elder) You woulnd't IMAGINE the crap that fell form the sky after that
Jase: (Elder) Rocks, machinery, the New York Yankees
Kat: (Elder) and Playboy, but we kept those

>"Someone is looking for me?"

Kat: I dunno....you tell me. Someone scream? HEY DIPSHIT!
Dino: wow....she's touchy
Jase: Very

>growled a deep feline voice from the doorway of the tavern.

Dino: What the hell? Tom all of a sudden got a bad ass side?

>"Nanaki!" exclaimed Tifa happily,

ALL: NORM!
Dino: Two points if anyone gets that reference

>jumping from her chair

Jase: Bouncey-bouncey-bouncey
Dino: Jase...
Kat:.....puddle

>to rush forward and hug the large, red furred cat.

Dino: (Tifa) Such a pretty red pussy...
Kat: Dino!
Jase: YEa! He's orange!
Dino: ...whatever

>"Tifa," purred Nanaki, rubbing the area between her

Jase: Wow...Red didn't waste anytime did he?

>neck and shoulder with his warm muzzle.

Jase:......or not

>Marlene rushed to Nanaki's other side, hugging his neck with her small
>arms.

All: Awwwww ...

>"It's so good to see you again,"

Kat: (Darkly)....Clarice

>whispered Tifa into Nanaki's ear.
>"Where's Cloud?"

Jase: Who gives a damn about Cloud!
Dino: YEa! Where's Waldo!

>"He's…gone," murmured Tifa

Kat: (Tifa) Yea, damndest thing...we were, yanno, doing it...I leaned down to kiss him and POOF......he was gone.
Jase and Dino: *snickering*

>before she broke away from Nanaki, her eyes sorrowful and downcast.

Kat: Wow, she was really torn apart by their seperation huh?
Dino: Well you know, the story of a girl and her pu-
Kat: DINO!
Dino: WHAT?!

>"While I'm honored by your visit,

Jase: I really can't stand you, so.....get. out.

>I don't think you came all this way just to say hello."

Dino: (Nanaki) How much money do you need -this- time?

>"No, I didn't.

Jase: (Tifa) I came here to say, "Icky-icky-nig-num-ding-dang-foom."
Dino: (Tifa) Or "Nih" will suffice.
Kat: What the hell? That was random
Dino: They usually are

>Something's happening, something strange,

Jase: (ominously) Something lemony this way comes.
Dino: Emphasis on "comes" ...
Kat: No! There's enough innuendos without you two helping!

>and I think Aeris is involved."

Dino:....ah freakin hell
Jase: What?
Kat: I bet it's another bring back Aeris from the dead thing?
Jase: I thought it was obvious. The Quest for Aeris? Hello? Nazis! Hitler! RINGING ANY FREAKING BELLS

>"Aeris? That can't be, she's dead," replied Nanaki

Dino: It never stopped MArvel....
Kat: OR countless Soap Operas

>with a shake of his mane.
>"After the planet destroyed Meteor, there was

Jase: (Nanaki) One HELLUVA mess, lemme tell ya...

>a massive deposit of

Dino:...crap?
Jase:....plot holes?
Kat: ..Silicone?

>Mako energy

ALL: Damn

around Midgar. Plant life began to grow at a phenomenal
>rate,

Dino: Things got bigger, and meaner
Jase: The venis fly trap rose above it all, in superiority
Kat: And children came up....missing

>births increased, it was a burst of fertility, an explosion of life.

Jase: (Announcer) And it's an EXPLOSION of life! I'll be damned that monster Mako's at it again!
Dino: That's going to be on pay-per-view

>Cloud seemed to feel the massive pool of Mako around us,

Kat: IT looked....lemony

>it made him stronger…

Jase: Faster....stronger.....-better-
Dino: He was the 6 million Mako man

>more virile," hesitated Tifa with a deep blush.

Dino: Mako. Nature's Viagra.
Jase: If Bob Dole starts making Shinra commercials now, I'm going to be
sick ...
Kat: Right behind you there

>"Go on," encouraged Nanaki with a toothy grin.

Dino: (Nanaki) Kids today. I know. Experimenting with Mako, orgies...it's natural

>"As the vegetation around Midgar continued to blossom,

Jase: The damn hippies showed up! And wouldn't share any of *their* grass just wanted ours

>Cloud disappeared for long periods of time.

Kat: (tifa) He'd step behind a curtain and say 'Alakazam' and then nothing

>At first I thought he was helping the city militia clear the area of
>stray monsters,

Dino: I suddenly see farmers with pitchforks, shotguns and torches trying to take down a hell house
Jase: Remembering your family reunions again?
Kat: *laughing*

>but then I found him in a deserted church,

Jase: (Tifa) He had magic marker tattoos on his face, rambling about Cthulu and sacrificing Kittens for something called an erection!....oh, or was it resurrection

>watching two small children

Kat: (tifa) Watching them a little too closely I think

>tend a wild indoor garden. Cloud didn't respond

Dino: His server must've went offline
Jase: Doesn't take much

>when I called him and he seemed to be in a strange trance.

Kat: (Cloud) Bill Clinton's innocent. Carrot Top is funny. Hulk Hogan is the best wrestler ever.

>He finally woke up,

Dino: (Cloud, drowsy) No way. I'm not lemoning without my wake up coffee.

>then pushed me away and stomped out.

Jase: (Cloud) Damn girls with their huge knockers and concern and woman stuffs!

>For a second, at the edge of my vision, I thought I saw a

Kat: A putty-tat?

>transparent image of Aeris,

Kat: Laaaaaaaaaame

>kneeling next to the border of the garden.

Dino: (Aeris) Dear planet, why must they make lemons? Why must they have horrible plot contrivances? Please save them

>I followed Cloud back home,

Kat: *singing* and every where that Cloud went, the Tifa was sure to go!

>where he said he had to go somewhere.

Jase: And so she believed him...must be important obviously. He;s going somewhere for something for someone.
Dino: MAkes senses to me
Kat: Ditto

>I asked him where,

Kat: *singing* oh where, oh where is my little Cloud going
Dino: You sing a lot don't you
Kat: Not really

>but he wouldn't say,

(Suddenly a cell phone rings. Dino lifts it up and speaks)
Dino: Ya don't say? Ya don't say! Ya don't say! *hangs up*
Kat: Who was it?
Dino: Didn't say
Jase and KAt: Laaaaaaaaaame.

>he just grabbed Ultima Weapon and left. I waited for days,

Jase: (Tifa) and I finally got hungry and...here I am

>then finally I found Barret and

Kat: (Tifa) Shagged him rotten
Dino: Course

>told him what happened. He left Marlene with me while he went looking
>for Cloud.

Jase: Because she's just someone I want my daughter to be like..
Dino: You don't have a daughter
Jase: Exactly!
Kat: ...? What just happened there?

>Neither one of them ever came back.

Jase: Dull suprise!

>I didn't know what else to do.

Kat: (Tifa) So the only rational thought was....walk across a scorching desert or two dragging a child to see what you were up to
Dino: She's a thinker

>So I came here. I hope you can help me find them."

Jase: (Nanaki, drowzily) Huh? Zoned out thre for a minute, would you say?

>"You're right, this is strange," replied Nanaki

Dino: I'd say so, his tail is on fire and he never feels pain

>while he sat on the floor, twitching his tail idly in thought.

Jase: (Nun) Tsk! Idle tails do the devil's work young man...cat...thing

>"I've modified the Planetarium to scan the planet for

Jase: (Nanaki)PORN! On a universal scale! Think of it! Tentacle he-
Dino: Alright! Stop right there!
Jase: What imagine it!

>anomalies, I'll use it to look for Cloud in the morning.

Kat: (Nanaki) Trust me. It works, I even found Waldo. That sneaky bastard.

>Cloud has a unique Mako signature since he's

Dino: .....a walking...talking...plot contrivance

>the only SOLDIER left on the planet. Don't worry, Tifa,

ALL: *singing* be happy now!

>I'll find him and Barret."

Kat: (Nanaki) For a price! *evil laughter*
Dino: (Tifa) *sighs* If you want to have sex with me, I do that for free
Kat: (Nanaki) oh well...I'll have to think of something else then

>"Yay, Nanaki!" clapped Marlene happily.

All: *apathetic* Yay.

>"Thank you, Nanaki. I knew you could help us," smiled Tifa before she
>leaned down

Jase: *gawking*
Kat: .....he realizes it's just text, yea?
Dino: Doubt it
Jase: STOP RUINING THE FUN!

>to kiss the big cat on the forehead.
>Nanaki stammered in embarrassment

Dino:(Nanaki) Uhhh, doi-doi-doi ...purtty gurl

>then offered to show Tifa and Marlene to their temporary quarters.

Jase: (Nanaki) Don't mind the hole in the shower. Norman BAtes will take reallll good care of you

>Tifa and Marlene walked on either side of the red feline,

All: *singing* Walk this way, talk this way ...

>keeping up with his quick pace until they reached the observatory

Dino: Operated by minions who carry their brains in jars.hahaha
Jase: O_o
Kat: Good. I thought I was the only one who thought that's creepy
Jase: What in the hell are you talking about?
Dino: ..No. Clue.

>at the top of Cosmo Canyon. Nanaki settled Marlene into bed,

Jase: (Nanaki) Good night. Sleep Well. Oh and don't mind the Xenomorph in the corner. HE's friendly


>then showed Tifa to her room.
>"Rest well, Tifa.

DIno: (Undertaker) Rest ... in ... peace ...

>I think that we shall have to find some of the others

Dino: Wow
Kat: What?
Dino: Red...just...I dunno.
Jase: I think he confused Dino


>before we begin our search for Cloud.

Kat: Star Trek 7: The Search for Cloud
Dino: Or the real title 'Star Trek 7: We're out of ideas'

>He and Aeris are tied closely to Mako,

All: *singing* Maaa-ko, Maaaaaa-ko ...
Dino: The lemon come and me want to go home!

>and Mako is the lifeblood of the planet.

Jase: So let me get this straight. We stab the planet it'll bleed Mako?
Dino: I guess so
Jase: All I ever get is freakin dirt.....main our planet's lame

>If something strange is happening, it must be very serious."

Kat: Or it could just be a big plot to have one giant lemon...
Dino: Kat's suggestion sounds right

>"You're right, Nanaki. I think Vincent is in Nibelheim.

Kat: Like he ever leaves it. Bastard
Dino: Didn't he though? He always was found at that cave worshipping that scientist chick frozen in MAko
JAse: *groans* Please stop analyzing the game again

>I heard rumors that he returned to

DIno: .....The Darkside.

>his home in Shinra Mansion."
>"Then once I discover where Cloud is,

Jase: (Nanaki) We'll all get TOTALLY wasted!
Kat: (Tifa) And have an orgy!
Dino:....so that's like four guys and one chick
Jase: She can handle it
Kat: I'm sure she has before

>we shall go collect Vincent," nodded Nanaki.

Kat: What the hell?
Dino: Hmm?
Kat: Is there a set now?!
Jase: Yup, and Vincent's their last peice

>"Good night, Nanaki," murmured Tifa before she kissed him again on the
>forehead.
>She rubbed her nose in the big cat's thick, musky fur,

Kat: And then immediately hacked and sneezed her brains all over the floor and Nanaki, damn those pet allergies
Dino: Told you we'd rub off on you

>then broke away when she felt a stirring in her sex.

All: ...
Dino: ...No way!
Kat: Heh..heh. You guys must be driving me insane. I thought I read that she was getting turned on by NAnaki....
Jase: .....
Kat: PLEASE TELL ME I DIDN'T SEE THAT!

>It had been a long time since Cloud had vanished

Dino: In a galaxy far, far, away....but pretty close by

>and her body yearned for attention.

Jase: ....oh....no....
Kat: ...this...isn't happening

>"Tifa," growled Nanaki

Dino: (Nanaki) You're ... on ... my ... tail.

>as he nuzzled beneath her short black leather skirt,

ALL:....
Kat: IT'S HAPPENING!
Jase: HAppy place! Must. Go. To. Happy. Place.
Dino: ..heh..heh *weakly* looks like Red's going to a...*gags a bit* happy place

>licking her pussy through her thin white panties.

Jase: (Nanaki) Female Viagara....works everytime
Kat: *begins turning green*
Dino: Jase, I think she's going to blow...this is too much for a first timer

>"Nanaki, don't," panted Tifa,

Jase: Yes, please! DON'T!

>her cunt becoming hot with arousal.

Kat: Wh..WRGH! *bolts to the side, wretching noises follow*
Dino: ....she has the right idea.
Jase: FAST FORWARD! FAST FORWARD!

>Nanaki gently pushed Tifa backward into the bedroom, knocking her
>against the foot of the bed and making her fall onto her back.

Jase: The one place where she can't bounce back
Kat: *more wretching noises*
Dino: O_o what the hell did she eat before she got teleported here?

>The large cat slid between her bare legs, slicing her panties apart

Dino: IT's the all new and improved Red XIII. HE slices, he dices...he stars in BEastality scenes!
Kat: *another violent wretching noise*
Jase: ...That sounded ....horrible.
Dino: The noise matches the scene...

>with his sharp fangs.

Jase: SHould we...yanno console her or anything?
Dino: ...Nah, she'll be fine. Maybe.

>He lapped at Tifa's cunt with his rough tongue,

Jase: Haha...
Dino: What?
Jase: He's exploring HER cosmo canyon
Kat: *another noise* GUYS!

>caressing her tender pussy flesh until it dripped with her juices.

Jase and Dino: RED! TABLE MANNERS!
Jase: Dear god this scene's getting worse
Dino: Always darker before the dawn
Jase: ...
Dino: Intercourse JAse
Jase: OH GOD! NO!


>"Nanaki, please," moaned Tifa, her large breasts pumping for air.


Jase: Pump! Pu-pump! Pu-pump it up! *breaks down in a bit of a sob* I CAN'T GO ON!
Dino: *now moved over to console Kat* IT's okay...just hang in there. IT'll make you a better person

>She closed her eyes, relishing the sensation of Nanaki devouring her
>melting cunt.

Jase: Hey Dino...can a cunt melt?
Kat: *another wretching noise*
Dino: ....Well, she's about done I think
Jase: How do you figure
Dino: I swear I saw a bit of egg in that last one

>She pulled her white shirt over her head,

Jase: THE GOLDEN LIGHT! TIFA'S BREASTS!
Dino: *flops KAt over, dive back to seat*
Jase and Dino: *drool*

>releasing her tits from confinement.

Dino: (Tifa's breasts) ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA!

>Tifa fondled her own breasts,

Jase: Not like Red's going to do much fondling
Dino: KAT WOULD YOU STOP ALREADY! GROW A PAIR!
Jase: Or fondle em like tifa's doing

>her hands caressing and stroking the warm, smooth flesh. Nanaki purred

Jase: Who's a good pussy?
Dino: Wow, double innuendo, how funny
Kat: *returns to her seat, looking pale* ...I think I'm done...

>softly as he ate Tifa out,

Dino: All you can eat Tifa buffet! Yummy!
Jase: *bolts to the side, begins wretching*
Kat: ....it's not over?
Dino: Nope

>his wet nose pressed into her vagina, his tongue insistently probing
>her womb.

Dino: (Cop on speaker) Alright! We know you're in there! Come out with your breasts up!
Kat: ...How can you riff this?!
Dino: It makes it hurt less really
Jase: *violent wretching noises*

>Nanaki removed his muzzle from Tifa's pussy,

Dino: So her pussy was rabid? BAd kitty
Kat: Ughh...
Jase: *snickers, wretches*

>then briefly licked her creamy inner thighs.

Kat: (Nanaki) ...made with pure cream... *silent sob*
Dino: It's ok, just keep on a brave face

>He climbed on top of Tifa,

Dino: (Nanaki) I claim these mountains in the name of Cosmo Canyon!
Kat: Wasn't he in her canyon a minute ago?
Jase: *plops back in his seat* ..WHY IS IT NOT OVER?!

>lowering his maw onto her bare breasts,

Jase: (Foreman) Alright, a little lower, a little lower. GEntly gently!


>licking her large nipples until she groaned with pleasure.

Kat: While we groan from naseua

>Nanaki bit Tifa's nipples gently with his fangs,

Kat: (Tifa) OW! WHAT THE HELL?!?
Jase: And then Tifa reacting by instinct slammed a peice of rock into Red's semi-cat skull breaking through and into the brain killing him instantly.
Dino: ...Wow...couldn't have said it better myself

>then licked up and down the cleavage between her tits.

Dino: As I lick through the valley of doubt I shall fear no lemon...but dear god how I hate this one

>Tifa buried her hands in Nanaki's mane,

Jase: (JR) MAH GOD! Tifa's hands have just been buried alive!
Dino: (King) NAnaki's done it! He's the new champion!

>moaning blissfully as he suckled on her throbbing melons.

Kat: ....*small wretching noise* food...bad right now

>Tifa felt Nanaki's cock

ALL: O_o....a rooster?
Dino: (Foghorn LEghorn) I say! Now listen here, I say, keep me the hell out of this

>slide into her pussy, she spread her legs wider apart

Jase: Well...I bet cavity searches aren't so hard to Tifa
Kat: ...She's used to assuming the position

>so he could shove himself deep into her moist slit.

Dino: (Nanaki) *singing* I wanna fuck you like an animal, I wanna feel you fro-
Kat: Dino. Shut. UP!


>Nanaki growled while he pumped in and out of Tifa's cunt,

Jase: Obviously Nanaki doesn't like his role in this?
Dino: I'll trade with him
KAt: UGH!

>his shaft thrusting far into her warm belly.

Dino: And into her uterus splitting it wide open and she bled to death. The End.
Kat: Does that mean we can go home now?
Jase: Sadly, no. It doesn't

>Tifa held tightly onto Nanaki's furred body,

Kat: Hold on tight! IT's going to be a bumpy ride!
Dino: There ya go

>she pressed her thighs against his flanks as he rammed himself

Jase: Du HAst?
DIno: Close, the author does though

>into her yielding pussy.

All: YIELD! YIELD!

>Nanaki stopped nursing on Tifa's tits,

Kat: BEcause he needed to move onto solids at some point.

>he raised his head to lick the girl's smooth shoulders and graceful
>neck.

Dino: I'm sure that drives the girls wild. Cat drool
Jase: Could be worse
Kat: DON'T go there

>Tifa giggled as she felt the sandpaper tongue slide across her skin.

Kat: Did she giggle?
Dino: Obviously being the sole sex goddess of the Final Fantasy world finally made her go loopy
Jase: Not like they all want her for her brains so it's okay

>She pursed her mouth open,

Kat: To find her compact?
Dino: She thought she lost it in the desert.

>inviting Nanaki to kiss her passionately.

All: *attempt to keep their lunch down*
Dino: Ok, I went along with the scene until now. I just gotta know.
Jase: Hmmm?
Dino: HOW?!?! How in the HELL can he KISS. Much less kiss passionately. HE'll choke her with his tongue!
Kat: SH! Let's watch and hope...

>The cat covered Tifa's lips with his mouth, his tongue slid down her
>throat,

Dino: And choke her?! Dear god she's gotta choke on it!
Kat: If she's a slut like everyone says, this tongue will be just another walk in the park
Jase: *fals over laughing*

>caressing the girl's delicate tongue

Kat: *makes shattering noises*
Jase: Must've been more delicate than he thought.

>as it entwined with his.

Dino: O_o...well there a spin on tongue tied
Kat: ...Laaaaaame

>Nanaki's thrusts became more forceful, they rocked the bed

All: *singing* I wanna rock ...

>as he plunged faster into Tifa's tight vagina.

Jase: DIVE! DIVE!
Dino: FASTER! FASTER!

>Tifa's legs trembled

Dino: (Scotty) SHE CAN'T TAKE MUCH MORE CAP'N! SHE DON' HAVE THE POWUR

>as she felt her orgasm approach,

Kat: *singing* She told me to come, but I was already there ...

>her hands dug into Nanaki's fur until both lovers climaxed together,
>the cat's seed spurting into her empty void.

Jase: In Tifa's vagina....no one can hear you come.
Dino: Or even notice you've been there

>Nanaki rubbed his muzzle in Tifa's sweaty hair, then climbed off of the
>panting young woman.

Dino: *singing* Oh you can tell by the way I use my walk, I'm a woman's man...no time to talk

>He quietly left the dark bedroom, closing the door behind himself.

Kat: THAT'S IT! How did he do that?!


>Tifa lay limply on the disheveled bed,

Jase: She can take a lemon scene like no one else, but a beastality scene pushed her to far...she's broken

>her legs spread apart and her bare breasts heaving.

Dino: If I didn't read what I just read and was violently ill.....that'd be sexy

>She fell asleep with the taste of Nanaki's tongue on her lips.

Kat: Which obviously is Friskie's
Dino: Or meow mix

>
>***

Jase: That's it three?! Apparently someone missed with the rest of the clip

>
>Tifa slept soundly that night,

Kat: I really don't see how she can sleep with herself after that...
Dino: I guess you get used to it

>but awoke when Nanaki padded into her room. He gave her a toothy grin,

Jase: (Nanaki) I ate you like an ice cream cone...heh..heh

>then waited as she washed her face in a water basin.

Dino: (Tifa) Man what a weird dream...I must've had too much to drink. I had a dream a giant cat was screwing me

>she tugged her shirt back on

Jase and Dino: *make sounds of disappointment*
Dino: It's not goodbye but so long for now

>and flattened her leather skirt with her hands.

Dino: (Tifa) Oh you can tell by the way I use my walk I'm a woman's...uhhm
KAt: Let it go, trust me.

>Tifa followed Nanaki into the dining area, where a local woman had
>brought breakfast for Nanaki and his guests.

Jase: Which consisted of! Everyone's favorite! GRUEL!

>Marlene sat perched on the edge of a dining chair,

Dino: MArlene's a kid, not a bird. Silly author

>devouring a pile of scrambled eggs, sausage,

Jase: ....Sooo..should I point out
Dino: ...No..I'm just now getting over the nasuea

>and warm sliced bread covered in honey.

Kat: Tifa's honey?
Dino: *darts off, vomits*
Jase: YES!
Kat: FINALLY!

>Tifa sat opposite Marlene, wished the girl good morning,

Kat: (British) Good morrow, Abbot.
Jase: (Same) Good morrow.
Kat: (British) Good morrow, Abbot.
JAse: (Same) Good morrow.
(Pause)
Jase: Dino, that's your cue!
Dino: *weakly* Hey Abbot!
Jase: (British) I HATE that guy ...

>then took a long drink from a glass of milk.

Dino: *returns to his seat* ...Why am I not suprised I leave for two minutes and Tifa's swallowing a glass of white stuff
Jase: ...Well, you go with what works

>Nanaki jumped onto a chair between Tifa and Marlene,

Kat: (Nanaki) HEllloooooo laddiieeess....

>then lowered his face down to chew on some sliced ham and toast with
>jam.

Dino: Wow...Nanaki is kicking it old school
Kat: Huh?
Dino: That's a hood breakfast

>"Did you find Cloud?" asked Tifa before she raised a fork laden with
>eggs.

Jase: What the hell? Forget Cloud! I still haven't found Waldo
Dino: Check the last place you'd look
Jase: I did!
KAt: Too bad for you then

>"Yes, Tifa.

Kat: (NAnaki) I found lots of them. They're in the sky. Duh.

>I'm afraid he's in the City of the Ancients."

Dino and KAt: *apathetic* Who would've thunk it

>"Why would he be there?"

Jase: The weather is phenomenal this time of year.

>"I detected another Mako signature,

Kat: Is it Elvis? Holy crap!

>it could be Aeris."
>"How could she come back from the dead?"

Jase: Well...Marvel could give you a good story for it.
Dino: So could any daytime soap
Kat: Evil twin, escaped at the last minute, it was someone else, demonic influence, 'it never really happened'...they've got heaps

>"With enough Mako energy, anything is possible."

Dino: Except the hardest thing EVER
Jase: Wha's that?
Dino: Making infomercials interesting to watch

>Tifa sighed,

Kat: (Tifa) Should've known...a major plot contrivance...why did I even ask

>then ate quietly while Marlene regarded both adults with her wide eyes.

Jase: Okay.....the kid is freaking me out
Dino: How so?
Jase: I. don't. know.

>"Did you see Papa?"
>"I'm sorry, Marlene, I can only detect Mako entities with my equipment.

Jase: (Nanaki) So obviously I can't find the token black guy
Dino: You figure that'd be easy to spot. A oil spot in milk
Kat: Ouch. Racism?
Dino: Not really

>I'm sure that if Cloud made it there okay, your father did too."

Dino: Or we could just assume he's dead, just like in all horror movies
Kat: This isn't a horror movie
Dino: You telling me that scene with Red and Tifa didn't scare the hell out of you?
Jase: Good point

>"Can we go get Papa now, Tifa?"

Jase: (Announcer) And when you're hungry go for Papa. Papa John's

>"We will soon, honey. Uncle Nanaki and I have to go get some

Dino: I swear to god if that's a lead up for another Red/Tifa sex scene I will kill someone

>of our other friends first.

Dino: Good
Jase: Wait...is she going to get others like she did with Red?
Kat: Dear god! No! Cait Sith sex!

>Nanaki,

Dino: (Tifa) *pulls out a revolver and plugs Red in the head* THAT'S FOR LAST NIGHT YOU TWISTED THING!
Kat: o_o
Jase: It's okay, Dino...let it go

>can Marlene stay here until we get Cloud and Barret back?"
>"Of course, Tifa.

Kat: (Nanaki) Meh, whatever. She can play Playstation till we get back

>I'll instruct the elders to care for her."

Jase: Wait are we talking priest care? Or daycare care?
Dino: There a difference?
Kat: ...Don't go there

>"I want to go with you! I want to see Papa!" argued Marlene.

Dino: (Tifa) Well I didn't want to have that scene with Red BUT we don't always get what we want do we?!
Jase: (Nanaki) So suck it up Princess and eat your damn veggies!

>"You will soon.

Jase: IN HELL!
Kat: One can only hope they all meet there soon

>Just be patient for a little while longer."
>Marlene scowled,

Kat: (Marlene) I hate you
Dino: (Tifa) YEa, most other video game chicks say that...they're just jealous though

>then stuffed her face with more eggs.

All: *make pig sounds*

>Nanaki smiled sympathetically at Marlene,

Jase: (Nanaki) I think I'll kill you last....

>then turned to regard Tifa with his bright eyes.

Dino: HEY! Dim switch asshole!

>"Do you want to head for Nibelheim today? To get Vincent?"

Kat: Would a Van Gogh joke be bad here?
Dino: Go for it, not like many would get the reference
Kat: Bah, nevermind then

>"Yes. We should go at once."
>"Finish your breakfast, Marlene.

Dino: Who just told MArlene that?
Jase: I dunno, why?
Dino: Just because he has sex with Tifa doesn't mean he gets parenting rights

>Someone will be here to show you around the village soon.

Kat: (Nanaki) ...maybe... or maybe you'll just get lost and something will eat you. Have fun!

>You can pick out a few things that you want from any shop in Cosmo
>Canyon," offered Nanaki

Jase: (NAnaki) You can even go to the adult shop and get a..
Kat: Just stop right there

>as he hopped down from his chair.

>"Really? Thanks, Nanaki!" smiled Marlene

Dino: Typical, offer em a toy and they perk up like the world's sunshine and lollipops

>before she bent down from her chair to hug the big cat.

Jase: Now that's a big pussy!
Kat: Jase! Innuendo!
Jase: WHAT?!

>Tifa grinned at Nanaki's generosity, then followed the cat

Dino: All the way to hell!
Jase: Or outside
Dino: same difference

>as he went outside.

Kat: Did she bring everything? Silicone, check. Boots, check. Pooper Scooper? Oh darn she forgot the pooper scooper!
Dino: She could get fined

>The duo descended down to the first level of

Dino: ... HELL!!!

>Cosmo Canyon

Dino: Damnit! Why is it never Hell?!

>and made their way to the entry arch.

Jase: McDonald's know about this shameless plug?
Kat: Possibly, it maybe subliminal advertising

>The young guard stood at attention

Dino: Usual fanboy seeing Tifa reaction, check
Jase: *snicker*

>briskly when he noticed Nanaki approaching.

Kat: (Guard) Now that's Brisk baby!
Dino: And the advertising continues
Jase: You already landed a contract?!

>Nanaki nodded a greeting,

Jase: Then mauled him to death for a goodbye.

>then began climbing down the long staircase to the desert below.

Dino: It's slinky! SLINKY!
Jase: Am the only one who didn't land a contract?

>Tifa adjusted her long cloak,

Kat: I just suddenly thought of Tifa in a Sith cloak
Jase: (Obiwan Kanobe) Use the boobs, Tifa

>raising the hood to cover her head. She walked down the steep staircase
>after Nanaki, then

Jase: ....tripped fell, rolled down the stairs, broke every bone in her body and died. The End. Who wants ice cream?

>stopped next to him at the foot of the steppe.

Kat: Apparently someone just learned the word 'steppe' in geography class
Dino: Could be worse
JAse: Could be he just learned the word labia...
Dino: ...very true

>"It will be faster if you climb onto my back, that way I can run across
>the desert."

Jase: See Tifa. See Tifa climb on Red
Kat: ....Jase
Dino: See Red. See Red, run. Run, Red, run.
Kat: Okay that ended better than I thought it would

>"Alright," replied Tifa warily

Kat: Wow, she's obviously timid of mounting Red, she had no problems last night...
Jase: He mounted her
Dino: That just changes the whole world doesn't it?

>before she slowly climbed onto the large cat's back. She wrapped her
>legs around his flanks,

All: Ugghhhhh
Dino: BEastality scene...
Jase: ....flashback....bad
Kat: ...must press...on

>then entwined her fingers within Nanaki's thick mane.

Kat: (Tifa) When was the last time you brushed these naps?!

>"Ready?"

All: BREAK IT DOWN!

>"Yes."

Kat: No!
Jase: Maybe!
Dino: SIX!

>Nanaki sprinted forward,

Jase: And fell into quicksand, which was quicker than normal and they died.

>almost flying over the red sands

Kat: *singing* Flyyyyy like an eagle ...

>as he raced north, in the direction of Nibelheim.

Dino: *hums the theme to Bonanza*
Kat: ...Wow that's ironic
Dino: IT is?
Kat: No

>
>====

Dino: Is that a steel girder?
Jase: I think it's the clip...they're reloading
Kat: HURRY UP! KILL ME


>
>(II)

All: ....
Dino: Right moving on...no one has a comment

>
>Nanaki ran across the green plain,

All: SCENE JUMP!

>Tifa holding tightly to his red mane.

Jase: It's a bumpy ride! Watch em bounce! *drool*

>The duo glanced at the Nibel Mountains

Jase: Eh, her's are bigger
Dino: Agreed!
Kat: Ugh

>as they closed in around them,

Kat: (nervously) The moutnains....closing....in......must....
Dino: flee.....the...lemon...
JAse: You can run, you can hide...but it all comes back to the lemon

>guiding them to the town of Nibelheim that lay at the range's feet.

Kat: So...is this the one that exists or...
Dino: Don't
Jase: What?
Dino: She;s trying to figure out the Nibelheim plot hole...it won't end well

>Dark clouds slid over the mountains' summits, casting a black shadow
>over the valley.

Dino: Foreshadowing?
Kat: Nah it just always looked that creepy in a town that doesn't exist
Dino: ohhhh

>Tifa clasped her cloak around her body, warding herself from the
>chilling winds that blew from the north.

Kat: If she wore more clothes...
Jase: There wouldn't be any fun

>The duo reached the edge of town,

Jase: And Nanaki too
Dino: *snickers*
Kat: Another breast joke....original

>Nanaki slowing his pace to a walk,

Dino: And trot!
Jase: ...more of a canter I think

>allowing them both to examine the quiet settlement.

Dino: (Nanaki) It's quiet....
Kat: (Tifa) ....too quiet...
Jase: It's that awkward moment before the lemon scene begins

>Thunder rumbled from the mountains

Dino: Wow, there's a Gladiator up there, wonder what the event is
Jase and Kat: What?
Dino: ...nevermind it's an Australian thing

>as Nanaki walked down a cobbled street,

Kat: (Roman citizen) Why, sir, cobble you.

>the buildings on either side of him dark and falling into decay.

Jase: So this place doesn't exist right?
Dino: ...Well it did, then burned then...some plot holes and a few twists later. IT does now
Kat: ....Though it looked pretty new
Jase: Obviously plots effect Nibelheim stronger than must

>Tifa watched the passing shops and homes with regret,

Dino: (Tifa) Oh, there's where I bought my first bra back when I was 5!
Kat: (Tifa) And there's the back seat where I first lost my virginity!
Jase: (Tifa) And is that the street corner where I first started selling my body to strangers?
Kat: Jase ...
Dino: If you think about it, and how Tifa is in this fic, is it really that far off?
Kat: Good point ...

>she remembered how alive her hometown had once been.

Kat: Yanno....when it had people in it, and before it burned down

>"Do you want to stop by your old house?"

Jase: Oh sure, and while we're at it, let's go visit the graves of Tifa's parents. Why not?

>"No, let's just get Vincent and go."

Kat: See! IF you say it really fast, they're going to get Vincent Van Goh
Dino: Do you think Tifa even knows who in the hell that is?
Jase: (Tifa) The fourth person I lost my 'virginity' too?

>Nanaki followed the streets northeast

Jase: Look at that, following the scent of Vincent to find him. NAtural hunter
Dino: Or he's just following the street signs
Jase: ...and cunning that bastard

>until they found the fence that protected the Shinra Mansion grounds.

Dino: That had a 'Beware of Shapeshifting Psychopath' sign hanging on it.
Jase: And dog too

>Tifa dismounted from Nanaki's back, then made sure her Premium Heart
>gauntlet was secure upon her right hand.

Dino: Bah, what a lame weapon. It completely sucks without a full limit meter
Jase: ...So there's going to be a rape scene soon, eh?

>"Stay here, Nanaki.

Jase: (Tifa) Stay Red! Good kitty! Who's a good kitty, Red is...

>It'll be better if I go to see Vincent alone."

Dino: (Tifa) That way I can be brutally raped and no hero can come and save me to ruin the lemon rape scene
Jase and Kat: *apathetic* yay

>"Are you sure, Tifa? There could be some left over monsters living in
>the mansion."

Jase: You know, like Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhies, Micheal Myers, and Barabra Streissand

>"If there are, I can take care of them."

Kat: (Tifa) With my Flashing Boobs of Justice!

>Tifa straightened her back,

Dino: Which is pretty impressive for such a top heavy woman
Kat: I bet she has killer lower back pain

>thrust out her large breasts,

JAse: And knocking out half of Nibelheim

>then kicked open the fence gate.

Dino: Couldn't just, you know, push open the unlocked gate?

>She walked down the cobble path to the mansion's main entrance,

Kat: I wonder if the flashing neon "Entrance" sign gave it away

>then carefully went inside. Thunder shook the mansion's walls while
>lightning eerily illuminated the house's dark interior.

Jase: Foreshadowing again?
Dino: Either that or a bad horror movie

>Tifa clasped her right hand into a fist,

Kat: (Tifa) BOOB POWER!
Dino: There goes the neighborhood

>then walked quietly to the main staircase.

All: *make sounds of boards creaking*

>Rain began to fall onto the mansion's roof,

Jase: As opposed to rain falling on the Mansion's floor, I guess
Dino: Silly human

>the noise echoing in the building's wide empty interior.

Kat: ECHO! ... cho ... ho ... o ...

>Tifa went up the stairs, walked right, passed through one room,

Dino: Then turned left, turned right, went down, went up...stuck her left arm in, pulled her left arm out
Jase: Shook it out all around
Kat: *suddenly slaps both of them on the side of the head* No hokey pokey
Dino: OW! There'll be some pokey I'm sure
Jase: *snickerin*
Kat: Why do I even bother

>then entered another with a rounded bookshelf.

Jase: (Tifa) Let's see...'How to write horrible Lemons', 'Everything you need to know about BEastality scenes'

>She activated the secret door built within the shelf,

Kat: Wow, I never would've thought of that...

>then descended a long, spiraling staircase.

Dino: Which it is, fifteen minutes later I finally got to the bottom of it in FF7

>The young woman reached the foot of the staircase and

Kat: Then stepped on it
Jase: (stair case) ...you're crushing my foot...you mind?

>proceeded down a roughly hewn rock tunnel

Dino: BEcause a clean hewn would be too expensive

>that was lit with dim purple light.
>The air was very warm, making Tifa's skin perspire

Kat: So her shoes wouldn't perspire?
Dino: Weird thing that, I guess

>after only a few minutes of walking.

Jase: You'd figure, all the walking they did around the world, she'd be in better shape

>Her white shirt clung to her ripe tits,

Jase and Dino: *drool*
Kat: ...

>whose nipples poked against the thin fabric

Kat: Did it suddenly get cold in there and I missed it?
Jase: Maybe PJ didn't go to Sex-ed?
Dino: That'd explain a lot

>as she made her way to the entrance of Vincent's chamber.

Jase: And was met with a swift gunshot between her eyes, splitting her skull open and killing her. Game Over. Load Game or End?

>Suddenly, a flurry of high-pitched squeals assaulted Tifa's ears.

Dino: I KNEW IT! Pigs! Those sneaky pork bastards!

>She pressed her hands against the sides of her head,

Jase: *holds his hands out* She;s got a headache this big, and it's screaming for Excedrin

>then gasped as she saw a flock

Dino: The Flock? Raven's flock? Holy crap Vincent's got some good friends
Jase: What about me? What about Raven?

>of black bats swirling towards her. Tifa crouched into a combat stance

Jase: (Yu-Gi-Oh) IT's time to du-du-duel!

>and punched out with her Premium Heart.

Kat: (Tifa) Megaton Punch!

>The gauntlet splattered the first bat to bits,

All: Ewwwww ...
Kat: I bet BRuce Wayne's going to be pissed when he hears about this

>then ripped deeply into two others.

Jase: Wow, I didn't know she had claws on her gloves
Dino: Me either, she finally got some usefulness

>The injured bats screamed in pain,

Jase: I can relate...

>which only made the surviving bats even more enraged.

Kat: (Bats) OH MY GOD! SHE KILLED KENNY!
Jase: YOU BITCH!

>Black wings slapped against Tifa's face,

Dino: (Bats) Smack our bitch up...smack our bitch up
Kat: What?
Dino: Well, she's been pretty much everyone's bitch...so why not the bats?

>forcing her to raise her arms in defense.

Jase: Ahh...good old "Turtle" duck and cover defense, next thing it'll be the fetal position

>Sharp fangs and wing claws bit into her shirt, creating several shallow
>cuts on her breasts and stomach.

Kat: Pff...they won't do any damage there..
Dino: They're just damagin the goods
Kat: ....

>More bats attacked her bare legs, ripping painfully into her flesh,

Kat: Little to their dissappointment Tifa didn't shave for quite sometime....ripping their flesh too
Dino: ....eww

>then drinking deeply from her veins.

Jase: Obviously vampire bats
Dino: Or a demented sex scene made bats

>Tifa felt her strength draining away

Kat: She should've charged her batteries more

>as she swung out with both of her fists,

Dino: (Tifa) DOUBLE FIST STRIKE!
Jase: Are you two going to name all of her attacks?
Dino: Why not? The one's in her Limit were lamely named

>slaying many more bats;

Kat: (Bat) Oh, Tifa, you SLAY me!

>but their comrades flapped forward,

Jase: If they flap forward, won't they go backwards?
Dino: ...so he missed zoology to write this lemon

>eager to feast on her hot lifeblood.
>A particularly large bat crashed into Tifa's chest,

Kat: In which then it was propelled at high speed velocity backwards as it bounced off her massive silicone injections, solattering into little bity bits

>making her flail her arms helplessly for balance

Jase: Wow, add a couple of more pounds to the front and she no longer has balance
Dino: What do you expect carryin 50lb watermelons on her chest plus a bit more finally the legs gotta give sometime

>before she fell backwards with a jaw vibrating impact.

All: *THUNK!*


>She lay stunned on the cold stone

Dino: When the hell did Steve Austin show up?
Jase: Sometime after the crashing glass

>while bats dived down upon her, digging their claws into her smooth
>skin,

Kat: I don't think they're going to find any fossils there

>fastening themselves to her

Dino: Seatbelts for safety!
Jase: What?
Dino: ....What?

>so they could bury their fangs inside her, gorging on her rich fluids.

All: ?!?
Kat: ....so...she just came?
Dino: I guess being attacked by bats does it for Tifa
Jase: ....there's not much that *doesn't* do it for Tifa

>Tifa attempted vainly to rise,

Jase: BEcause Judge Judy just enetered the court

>then fell back, her strength gone,

Dino: ....
JasE: You ok?
Dino: Just kind of wondering, she helped beat Sephiroth, countless bosses.....but a group of bats is just tooo much for her
Kat: It's the useless female gene acting up

>and her arms and legs limp from blood loss.

Kat: (Medic) We need 10 CCs of O Negative STAT!
Dino: ......ER?
Kat: Sometimes

>The large bat landed on her collarbone and struck out with his fangs,

Jase: Go west, young bat ...

>biting deeply into her throat, sucking loudly on her blood.

All: ...!!!
Kat: IT's over then?!
Dino: Obviously! She's dead!
Jase: YAY!

>The roar of a rifle echoed down the passageway

ALL: ....crap


>as Vincent shot the large bat dead center, making it explode from the
>impact.

Jase: (Vincent) Suck my boomstick
Dino: Don't worry she will

>Bat ichor splattered across Tifa's slack face

All: (Old guy) Slacker!!!

>before Vincent fired off a series of rounds, each bullet killing a
>feeding bat.

Kat: (Vincent) Let's see ... Vlad *bang* ... Varnae *bang* ... Brad Pitt
*bang* ...

>The remaining members of the flock

Dino: Went on to compete in WWF I think.
Jase: Nah some got cruiserweight titles

>flapped away in a panic,

Kat: (Bat, British) Run away! Run away!

>getting extra encouragement to flee from several more loud blasts of
>Vincent's rifle, Death Penalty.

Dino: (ominous) The Penalty is DEATH!

>The red cloaked man walked over to Tifa's prone form,

Kat: (Vincent) Well, well, well ... look what the bat dragged in ...
Dino: Oh that pun was horrible
Kat: Meh, sue me

>then bent down to pick the girl up. He gently carried her to his
>chamber,

All: *hum the wedding march*

>lying her inside one of the shattered coffins that lined the room's
>walls.

Jase: (Undertaker) Now she shall rest ... in ... peace ...
Dino: *imitates sound of a bell gonging*

>Vincent removed Tifa's green Restore materia from her gauntlet

KAt: (Vincent) Just take this for safe-keeping ... heh heh heh ...
Dino: What the hell? Yuffie was the MAteria theif
Jase: ...Well, he's got Tifa being OOC...so why not?

>and fastened it to one of his arm braces.

Kat: So his arms are broken? How the hell did he shoot the gun?
Jase: Skill. Uncany skill.

>He placed his hand over the woman's heart, then concentrated,

All: *make grunting sounds*
Dino: (Vincent) Damn ... peanut butter ...

>commanding the materia's magic to activate.

Dino: (Vincent) WORK! WORK! DAMNIT WORK!
Jase: (Materia) YEa, yea. Hold yer horses, I'm getting to it

>A green glow surrounded Tifa's body,

Kat: Suddenly, she has a refreshing mint flavor!

>sealing all of the bats' bite marks

All: *make suction cup sounds*

>and replenishing her depleted blood supply. Tifa took a deep breath,

Dino: Where to?
Jase: Huh?
Dino: She took a deep breath
Kat: ...Ha....ha....ha

>then slowly opened her eyes, gazing up at Vincent in confusion.

Jase: (Tifa) Binky?
Kat: (Vincent) Close enough

>"The bats?"
>"Gone. I took care of them."

Dino: (Vincent) I replaced them with Val Kilmer.

>"Thank you, Vincent. I came to see you."

Kat: (Tifa) You see we ran out of lemon scene ideas, got any?

>Vincent didn't reply,

Jase: BEcause he had Tifa's screen name on ignore...

>he removed the Restore materia from his bracer, then handed it back to
>Tifa.

Kat: (Vincent) Take your materia, I don't want any part of this lemon

>She replaced the green orb on her Premium Heart

Dino: That makes it sound like Tifa has gangreen in her breasts and one fell off
Kat: ....ewwwwwww

>and tentatively climbed out of the coffin.

Jase: Well, hopefully she didn't wake up on the wrong side of the coffin

>Vincent backed away several feet, regarding Tifa with his cold eyes.

Dino: Which were close to freezing temperature

>"Cloud and Barret have disappeared.

Kat: (Tifa) They alakazamed themselves away and now we don't know where they are!

>I went to Nanaki for help, he told me that

Jase: (Tifa) ... I was a slut and nobody liked me.

>both of them are in the City of the Ancients."
>"Why did they go there?"

Kat: Ohh...I dunno. To advance the already horrible plot?
Dino: BEcause it's great weather this time of year?
Jase: BEcause they don't want to be in this story anymore than we want to see it?

>"Cloud went looking for Aeris, I think.

Dino: Hence the title, "The Quest For Aeris".

>Barret went after Cloud to bring him back to Midgar."
>"What do you want with me?"

Kat: (Tifa) It's been at least three pages since I had a lemon scene! I HAVE NEEDS YOU KNOW!


>"I need your help. I need you to come with me and Nanaki to help rescue
>Cloud."

Jase: (Leia) Help me, Obi-Wan Kinobi ... you're my only hope ...

>"Perhaps he doesn't want rescuing.

Dino: Ouch. *ZING!*

>I observed that Cloud and Aeris were quite close during our past
>quest."

Kat: The moaning sounds from their room was a bit o a clue was it?
Dino: Either that or Vincent's a peepy

>"Things are different now. He needs me."

Dino: (Tifa) Besides that hussy's dead!

>"So you say. Why should I help you?"

Jase: Uhm...because you claim to be their friend? You helped Cloud in Advent Children?! What the hell?!

>"What do you want?" asked Tifa with a frown.

ALL: ....
Dino: Welp that proves it
Kat: What?
Jase: She's as bright as a black crayon

>"Do you want money…materia?"

Jase: (Tifa) Because, after all, it *is* a materia world, and I *am*
a materia girl ...

>"No. I want love, for one night."

Kat: *singing* Do a little dance, make a little love. Get down tonight!
Dino: ....
Jase: Kind of a catchy tune

>"What? You're kidding!"

Dino: ...so she willingly had sex with Red, but not with Vincent?
Jase: YEa, I was kind of lost about it too

>"I am not."

Kat: (Tifa) Are too!
Jase: (Vincent) Am not!
Kat: (Tifa) Are too!
Jase: (Vincent) Am not!

>Tifa gazed down at the floor,

Kat: (Tifa) Uhm ... what the hell, I did it with Nanaki, I just need to get Cid, Vincent, Yuffie, and Barret...again.
Dino: No Cait Sith!
KaT: TRAITOR!

>noticing that her shirt was heavily torn, exposing more of her belly
>and chest than she was comfortable with.

Jase: YEa, it's okay Tifa...we know you're out of shape

>She blushed and glanced up at Vincent, then looked away when she saw he
>was staring at her in deep concentration.

Dino: (Stupid) Duh-huh, pretty girl ...

>"Okay," whispered Tifa softly,

Kat: Of *course*. After all, what are women but mindless sex toys?
Dino: ...another woman power candi- *suddenly smacked by Kat* OW! WHA THE HELL!?
Kat: SILENCE!

>hardly believing what she had just said.

Jase: Yea...well, when you're written OOC, and badly, what can you expect?

>"Excellent," hissed Vincent just before he shuddered violently.

Dino: (Vincent) Woah ... what just happened? I wasn't acting really,
really out of character again, was I?

>Tifa backed up against the rock

Kat: (The Rock) Hey chick, get your roody-poo candy ass off the rock before the Rock lays the smackdown
Jase: Holy crap! Stone Cold, The Rock. The Flock! Who's next?

>wall of Vincent's chamber as he doubled over in pain,

Dino: *sadly* He shouldn't have had that last burrito

>his clothing ripping loudly.

Kat: Good thing he got that Polo shirt for cheap

>Vincent began to grow,

Jase: Eh, don't feel bad, Vince. That's a normal reaction around Tifa.
Kat: ugh ...

>his skin turning into a deep purple

ALL: .....
Kat: He wouldn't!
Jase: He couldn't!
Dino: ..? HELLO! A Beast scene with Red?! You think he has morales?!

>while his handsome features contorted and changed.

Jase: ...wasn't Vincent's face always covered?

>The man became seven…eight…nine feet tall,
>his arms and legs bulged with purple muscles,

Jase and Dino: (Vincent) I here to pump ... *clap*
Kat: It's been done!
Jase and Dino: Poopie

>and wide red wings sprouted and spread apart from his large back.

>"Chaos," murmured Tifa,

Dino: "Crap," muttered Dino
Jase: "...damnit," muttered Jase

>her eyes wide with fear.

Kat: I thought her eyes were like that naturally?

>"Tasty sweet meat,"

Jase: (Chaos) Me likey meaty

>growled Vincent/Chaos before he lunged forward,

>claws grasping.

Dino: (Chaos) BOOBIES!

>Tifa raised her arms across her breasts

Jase: (Tifa) My breasts! You can't have them!

>but Chaos ripped her torn shirt from her body, then tore off her short
>leather skirt.

Kat: I take it Chaos doesn't know how to work the simple things then? You know, material, buttons....zippers

>Chaos slammed Tifa into the side of a coffin

Dino: (JR) MAH GAWD! Chaos just slammed Tifa against the coffin! Wht kind of monster.....?!

>so hard it shattered beneath her

ALL: *making crunching noises*

>and she fell into the container's cushioned interior.

Kat: ....didn't the coffin shatter?
Jase: Don't try...it might hurt

>Chaos sniffed Tifa's crotch with his purple muzzle,

Jase: (Chaos) I smell BACON!
Kat: ...Jase...
Dino: ...or tuna...
Kat: DINO!

>prying her legs apart with his clawed hands.

Dino: Only to be disappointed because Tifa's crotch is protected with the Club (tm)!

>He licked Tifa's pussy

Dino: When did Tifa's cat get involved?

>with his long, red tongue, then began lapping up
>her cunt,

Jase: So her cunt fell then?
Kat: ...ew...bad mental

>moving faster and faster

Kat: (Chaos) Faster...faster....must...go...faster.

>until Tifa was moaning with bliss.

Dino: Well...for someone who didn't *want* this..she's enjoying it

>Chaos crushed Tifa's tits with his claws,

Kat: *winces*
Dino: ...You ok...?
Jase: Now you know how we feel about the penis chopping shtick

>digging bloody red furrows into her white skin

Dino: I take it he's going to bury his bone and dig it up later?
Jase: In more ways than one....

>as he squeezed the round melons until her nipples were hard and erect.

Kat: Damn squeezing fruit turns Tifa on...
Dino: Like JAse said...
Jase: There's not much that doesn't do it for Tifa

>He gnawed on Tifa's brown nipples,

Jase: (Chaos) Tastes like chicken ...

>pinching them with his fangs while Tifa groaned and writhed.

Kat: ....Well, looks like she's going to need a new boob job at this rate

>Chaos backed away from Tifa's naked body

Dino: (Cop) Take your hands off the CGI character and slowly back away!

>and dragged her up by her shoulders. He positioned his huge erect cock

All: Oh, of *COURSE*.
Dino: It had to be HUGE
Kat: Of course, I think the author is compensating
Jase: ...Stop KAt, just stop

>in front of Tifa's face,

Jase: (Chaos) Does this bug you? I'm not touching you. Does this bug
you?

>rubbing the dripping head against her soft red lips.

Kat: You know...correct me if I'm wrong, but it's not supposed to drip...right?
Dino: That's perfectly natural....if you gonorhea

>Tifa inhaled his arousing, heady musk,


Dino: (Butthead) Huh-huh-huh-huh. He said "head".

>then fastened her mouth over the throbbing tip of Chaos' tool.

Jase: So it's a wrench?
Dino: huh?
Jase: Obviously she's sucking on Chaos' wrench

>The monster purred with ecstasy,

Kat: ...So Chaos is actually part cat? What the hell?!

>thrusting out his hips

Dino: Look out, he's doing the Time Warp again!

>while Tifa licked her tongue all over the top of his pole.

Kat: And now she's licking a random pole in the room? Digusting

>She slowly slid the humongous cock into her mouth, her cheeks becoming
>taut as she sucked deeply on his member.

Jase: You must lick it, before you stick it

>Tifa rubbed her hands back and forth over Chaos' tool,

Dino: (Tifa) Wax on, wax off ...

>caressing his rod of meat

Kat: Damnit! How many different names does this guy have for a penis?!

>while she suckled loudly upon it. Chaos growled deeply

Jase: (Chaos) OUCH! Watch the teeth there, Tifa ...
Dino: You figure she'd be better at this

>as he pumped his cock back and forth inside Tifa's hot mouth, her
>throat caressing

Dino: Before you give blowjobs to giant evil demons ... Caress!

>every pulsing inch of his blade.

Jase: Can we please leave Wesley Snipes out of this?
Kat: ....So far six different names

>Tifa slid her lips across the underside of Chaos' cock,

Dino: (Chaos) And to think, I wasted my times with those bats

>then sucked wetly on his large balls.

Jase: (Imitating prankster) Excuse me, do you have 10-pound balls?
Dino: (Imitating bowling manager) Yes we do ...
Jase: (Imitating prankster) How on earth do you walk, then?

>She rubbed her beautiful face in his batch of purple pubic hair

Dino: (Tifa) Nope, Cloud's not in there, better keep looking....after this scene
Jase: Kat, you haven't riffed in a while
Kat: SH! I'm counting how many different references this guy has

>and licked his testicles with her delicate tongue

Dino: Didn't Nanaki break her tongue?
Jase: Nah, we just riffed that
Dino: Oh

>until he almost climaxed.
>Chaos sat down on his ass

Jase: *singing* He sits on his ass, she works her hands to the bone
Dino: Literally so...

>and leaned back onto his outspread wings.

Dino: So really, he's just hanging out, getting a blowjob...playing some Nintendo

>Tifa crawled on top of Chaos,

Kat: That's the way to stay on top of things!

>then slowly covered his glistening cock with her dripping pussy.

Kat: ....IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT
Guys: O_o...it's ok, KAt
Kat: No it isn't! Has this guy *EVER* been laid?
Dino: ...I think you just answered your question right there

>Tifa moaned loudly,

Jase: (Tifa) GET ME OUT OF THIS STUPID LEMON!!!

>her eyes squeezed shut with pleasure as she sat down on Chaos' lap,

Jase: (Tifa) Now, Chaos Clause, I want a new boob job, some Viagara for Cloud..
Dino: (Tifa) And the super enhanced Vibrator
Kat: guys...

>forcing his member deep into her tight vagina.

Guys: O_o
Dino: She's whoring like Kelly Bundy and the authot says she's still TIGHT?!
Kat: Excercises work miracles...
Dino: Oh piss off!

>The naked girl placed her hands on the monster's wide, firm chest and
>began humping back and forth,

ALL: *singing* You and me baby ain't nothing but mammmals so let's do it like they do it on the discovery channel

>shoving her cunt onto her lover's shaft.

All: SHAFT!
Dino: Man, I tell you, that Shaft is one bad mutha ...
Others: Shut yo mouth!
Dino: I'm just talkin' bout Shaft!


>Chaos moaned, baring his white fangs

Kat: I see Chaos has been brushing with new Extra-Strength Colgate.
Jase: And those Whitening strips are working wonders

>while Tifa fucked his cock, her large breasts bouncing with each thrust
>of her shapely hips.

Guys: *drools*
Kat: *singing* Follow the bouncing breasts ...
Dino: Hey, she's doing the Macarena! Well, the French version, anyway

>Tifa's bare ass slid back and forth,

Jase: What's another word for pirate treasure?
Dino: BOOTY! BOOTY! BUH-BUH-BUH-BOOTY!
Jase: That's what it is ...
Kat: ....I swear you two...

>the buttocks spreading apart to make room for the huge cock

Dino: Hey, there's always room for Jello ...
Kat: Or a huge monster penis

>that barely fit her moist pussy.

Kat: New Sara Lee Pussy Mix. Now 200% more moist!

>Tifa and Chaos moaned in unison, their ecstatic cries

All: *apathetic* Yay.

>reverberated along the stone chamber's walls as their bodies rammed
>together,

Jase: (Commander) Approach the lemon, men ... RAMMING SPEED!

>the girl's cunt coating the monster's cock with her sticky honey.

Dino: Honey-coated Cocks! The new delicacy from Shinra Foods, Inc.
Kat: *sickly* eww....

>Tifa fucked Chaos again and again until he roared with an orgasm,

Kat: So she had to fuck him multiple times then, eh?
Dino: Obviously

>his screams shaking the room so badly

All: *singing* Whole lotta shakin' goin' on!

>that rock chips fell from the ceiling.

Jase: Which was followed by a cave in, killing them both..End

>Tifa climaxed more quietly,

Dino: (Tifa) Did the room shake for you, too?

>and then slid off the panting monster to retrieve her torn clothing.

Kat: (Tifa) Ow ... ow ... ow ...

>Chaos lay limply on the floor,

Kat: (Tifa) Oh, poo. I broke him.

>shuddering as he shrank back into the body of Vincent.

Jase: Shrinkage is a sad thing ...

>"Are you ready to go?"

Dino: You mean they haven't started yet?!?
All: ARRRRGHHHHH!!!!

>"Yes, Tifa. I will accompany you until your quest is over."

Dino: (Vincent) So the author can write lots more trite monster-sex
scenes
Jase: (Nanaki) Coupled with beastality scenes!
Kat: *apthetic*.....yay...

>Tifa nodded in acknowledgment.

>then waited while Vincent put on fresh clothes.

Dino: You mean he actually has more than just that one outfit?! LIES!

>He gathered several spare sets of clothing, placing them in a leather
>satchel that he slid over his right shoulder.

Kat: (Vincent) Claw-like gloves, check. Multiple face coverings, check. Clean underwear....ah hell no time for that

>He hung two belts of ammo over his shoulders, then picked up Death
>Penalty,

Jase: The part of Vincent Valentine will now be played by Rambo ...

>idly brushing rock chips off its polished surface.

Dino: Vincent Valentine. Shapeshifter and member of the NRA.

>Tifa straightened her shredded shirt,

Kat: Wait...didn't Chaos just like...completely tear it off?
Dino: Not like there was much of it to begin with

>the garment almost see-through with rents.

Dino: Which works better, now she can really flaunt those cannons.

>She smoothed out her torn skirt, that left her thighs bare to her hips,

Kat: So...it's pretty much just a band of leather that wraps around?!
Dino: Well...it's better than nothing
Jase: Considering it was torn to SHREDS..I'd say so

>and led the way out of the catacombs.

Jase: Stopping to kill a few Gremlins and Salem Witches along the way
...
Dino: Wrong game
Jase: I can hope Alucard shows up and runs the whole lot of them through and end this horrible horrible thing.

>Vincent followed quietly behind Tifa, dispelling the purple light as he
>progressed up the tunnel.

Kat: (Motherly) And turn the lights off when you leave!
Dino: (Vincent) Yes, mother ... pain in the ass
Kat: (Mother) I HEARD THAT!

>The couple climbed the stairs back to the mansion,

Dino: Five hours later, they reach the top

>passing through the immense entry foyer

Kat: Do not pass the foyer, do no collect 200 gil.
Jase: ha...ha...ha

>before re-emerging outside into the rain.

All: *singing* Rainddrops keep falling on my head..

>"Tifa! Are you okay?" growled Nanaki as he raced forward through
>puddles of water.

Dino: And new meaning to raining cats and dogs...

>"Yes. Vincent saved me from some black bats.

Jase: It's always a color thing

>They managed to get a few bites in before he chased them off."

Kat: Which would explain the enormous, gaping tears in her clothes ...

>Nanaki examined Tifa for overlooked wounds,

Jase: (Nanaki) You smell strangely like demon sperm ... you weren't
forced to have sex with a huge shapeshifting demon, were you?
Kat: (Tifa) Oh, of course not! Hee-hee ... heh ...

>then turned to offer Tifa fresh clothes from the bag that lay across
>his right flank.

Dino: When the hell did that get there?
Jase: Well, why not?! Her clothes were torn to SHREDS and she puts them on anyway

>"Let's get inside first. We'll wait out the rain before continuing."

Kat: (Tifa, singing) You know I'd like to keep my cheeeeeks dry
today-yay-yaaaay ...

>Nanaki and Vincent nodded their agreement

Dino: (Nanaki) Humor her for now. Which hole do you want when we get
her in the sack?
Kat: Crow ...

>and followed Tifa as she sprinted for her childhood home.

All: *British* Run away! Run away!

>The trio entered the dry silent house, the two males walking into the
>living area,

Kat: Wha ... so the house is alive?
Jase: Yup, just like Castlevania.

>while Tifa closed and locked the door behind them. She shook out her
>long, black hair,

Dino: Because in this dead town, the locks on the door will protect them from EVERYTHING

>then combed it with her fingers, squeezing out the cold rainwater.

Kat: (solemn) Yet it could never be as cold as Tifa's cold, cold heart
...

>Vincent built a fire and ignited it

Jase: Ah, so it was VINCENT that started the fire!
Dino: *singing* We didn't start the fire...

>as Nanaki closed all the windows and climbed upstairs to seal the upper
>panes.

Jase: They're freshness sealed so you know you're getting high-quality
upper panes at a premium price!

>Tifa entered the living room, her eyes gazing out the wide windows at
>the storm that raged outside.

Dino: *singing* The thunder rolls...and the lightning strikes!
Jase: *suddenly smacks Dino*
Dino: OW! WHAT THE HELL?!
Jase: A country song, you hate country
Dino: ...oh, thanks

>Lightning lit up her pale, drawn face

Kat: Damn it Thor a little more to the East and you can take the lot of them out

>as she turned to look at the old piano that sat within a dim corner.

>Tifa walked over to the dusty instrument,

Dino: Apparently she hasn't got Final Heaven yet..

>then sat down before it. She tapped the filthy keys softly, then played
>a short tune,

Kat: (Tifa) You got the right one bay-bee-yeee ...
Others: Uh-huh!

>remembering lessons from her youth.
>"I put your dry clothes in one of the bedrooms, so you'd have privacy
>for changing," said Nanaki

Jase: Abit pointless.....her goods are already out, why does she need to change elsewhere?
Dino: To humor her

>as he re-appeared from upstairs.
>"Thank you, Nanaki," smiled Tifa wanly

Kat: Man, Tifa has seen better days.
Dino: Well, she's been treated like a bargeful of medical waste in this
fic so far. What do you expect?

>before she kissed him softly on the head.

ALL: NO! NOT AGAIN!


>Nanaki purred happily as Tifa left the room for the staircase.

All: *breathe sighs of relief*

>She climbed up to the second floor and stumbled into her old bedroom,

Dino: (drunkly) I sware to drunk...I'm not god, occifer

>which happened to be the room Nanaki had left her clothes in.

Kat: (Church Lady) How conviiiiienient!

>Tifa collapsed onto her bed,

Jase: To wait for the next lemon scene, I'm sure

>weeping for her innocent childhood and for

Kat: ... her FAR from innocent adulthood ...
Dino: Let's just hope PJ doesn't decide to re-write her childhood. We'll
be seeing PLENTY of pedophilia scenes if he does ...

>the man she feared she had lost forever.

All: *singing* Those days are gone forever ... I should just let 'em go,
but ...

>
>====
>

Kat: PJ ++++ Lemon ==== Crap.
Dino: Still think this is easy?
Kat: ...I want to die, is that natural?
Guys: Yup

>(III)


>Nanaki slowed to a stop,

All: *make sounds of brakes squealing*

>Tifa clinging to his broad back. Vincent halted on Nanaki's left,

Jase: (Drill Sargeant) Company ... HALT!

>barely breathing hard from running beside the agile cat.

Dino: See...he obviously keeps in shape. Though just running a couple of feet doesn't really make you breathe hard.

>The trio gazed at Rocket Town. The village was not nearly as impressive
>as the first time they'd seen it,

Kat: Yeah, after the first time, it's never quite as good ...

>now that Cid's rocket was gone.

Dino: And the massive burn mark in the middl of the town from the launch it left

>A large black crater

Dino: OK, so we have a phallic symbol disappearing, and a vaginal symbol
taking its place. This is some heavy-duty psycho-stuff.
Kat: Y'know, there's times when I almost think PJ is smarter than he
lets on ...
Jase: But then you remember the Tifa/Red XIII sex scene, and abruptly
change your mind ...

>marked the former resting-place of the enormous vessel.

Kat: The Enterprize NCC-1701?
Jase: The Millenium Falcon?
Dino: The Nostromo?
Kat: Deep Space 9?
Jase: The Super Star Destroyer?
Dino: The Titanic?
Kat: Chief?
Dino: McCloud!

>"Will Cid help us?" inquired Nanaki.

Dino: Well...Vincent didn't want to help, and he changed his mind
Kat: after convincing

>"I'm sure I can convince him," replied Tifa.

All: *imitate porno music*

>Before the companions could enter Rocket Town, a throaty roar bellowed
>from within the village.

>The trio turned to look in the direction of Cid's house,

Dino: (imitating tour guide) and if you look this way, you'll see the house of the drunken pilot of the FF7 party
Others: ooohhh....ahhh....

>where a twin-engine plane looking very similar to Tiny Bronco

Jase: ... and yet, wholly unlike it ...

>was rumbling to life. Cid stood near his home, jumping up and down,

Kat: (Cid) GET ME OUT OF THIS *&^^ING LEMON!!!
Dino: Comic cursing just doesn't have the same affect in real life, huh?
Kat: Not even close

>waving his arms angrily, yet too frightened of the spinning rotors to
>advance on his craft.

All: Wha-wha-whaaaaa ...
Jase: Guys, I do believe this fic just broke the Goofy Meter.
Dino: Cid had long been a secret victim of rotorphobia ...

>"Run, Nanaki!" urged Tifa sharply.

Jase: *apathetic* See Nanaki run. Run, Nanaki, run.

>The large red cat sprang forward,

Dino: Spring forward in Spring, fall back in fall
Kat: ...Is that the time?

>eating up the distance to the revving airship.

Jase: With some fava beans and a nice cianti ... *slurps*

>The Tiny Bronco rolled away from Cid's house,

Jase: *singing* Tie 'em up, ride 'em down, ride 'em down, roll away,
from the lemon, RAWHIDE!
Dino: Is that how it goes?
Jase: How what goes? I just made it up

>and began to accelerate down a wide strip of cleared land.

Kat: (imitating narrator)Ah, looks like those crazy Dukes of Hazard are at it again ...

>"Vincent! Transform into Chaos!

Jase: (Nanaki) Tifa's horny again, and I don't think beastiality can stop it this time!
Dino: (Optimus Prime) Transform and roll out!

>Slow the Bronco down!"

ALL: FREE THE JUICE

>Vincent quickly grew into the demonic Chaos,

Kat: Obviously when it's not a sex scene he doesn't waste time

>then launched into the air,

Jase: (Mission Control) 3 ... 2 ... 1 ... Chaos, you are cleared for
launch ...

>beating his wide, red wings.

Dino: So Chaos isn't a Detroit fan, we can agree there, I guess.

>Chaos caught up with the Bronco while it roared across the cleared
>field,

Jase: Because transmutating matter from a plane into a lion takes hard
work ...
Kat: Unless you're Ed Elrich
Jase: Touche

>landing on its tail section with a loud crash.

Dino: *makes crunching noise* (Chaos) Ooppps...Chaos breaky

>The impact shook the airship,

Kat: Huh? When did we jump back into FF2?
Jase: Next thing you know, Sephiroth will turn out to be Cloud's brother
Dino: I don't put it by PJ, they'll prolly be lovers
JAse: And adding Yaoi to this already sickened fic, D?

>slowing its take off immensely.

Kat: NO! The fic doesn't NEED to go any slower!
Dino: FASTER! PLEASE!

>Nanaki appeared on the field,

Jase: What the hell?! He can teleport?! WHY NOT JUST TELEPORT TO THE END! GWA!


>running urgently towards the Bronco

Dino: (Nanaki) I'm late, I'm late, I'm late for an inane lemon ...

>before it picked up speed again.

Jase: Because God help us if Sandra Bullock makes ANOTHER sequel ...
Dino: (Keaneu Reeves) Pop quiz, hotshot. You've got a really crappy
lemon and yet another senseless plot device. What do you do? What
do you do?
Jase: Shoot the author and be done with it?
Kat: Guys ...

>Tifa held tightly onto Nanaki's mane, her own black hair billowing
>behind her from the speed.

Dino: So...Tifa's a druggie?
Jase: Apparently just her hair is
Kat: Oh, it would explain a lot if she was though

>When the duo drew within range of the swift craft,

Kat: (Robin) Holy Wright Brother, Batman!

>Tifa jumped from Nanaki's back onto the tail section of the Bronco.

All: *hum the music from the train scene in Back to the Future 3*

>Nanaki hopped onto the crowded tail

Dino: I remember the Tiny Bronco...which makes me question
Jase: Hmm?
Kat: How the hell all of them are on the tail?
Dino: PRecisely

>just as the Bronco leapt into the air, sailing gracefully over the
>nearby ocean's surface.

Jase: It flies through the lemon with the greatest of ease ...

>A high pitched whine

Dino: NO! Not a crossover with Sailor Moon!
Others: TENTACLES!

>was the only warning when a large sharp projectile spun from the
>cockpit and slammed into Chaos' wide chest.

Dino: (Krillin) DESTRUCTO DISK!!!

>The monster roared in pain as his grip failed,

Kat: (Sadly) If only he'd used his Isotoners ...

>he spun away from the Bronco

Jase: (Choas) Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa ...

>before slamming into the churning water below.

All: *SPOOSH!!!*
Dino: Three points!

>Tifa brushed stray hair out of her eyes,

Dino: Looks like Nanaki was shedding last night ...
Kat: DINO!

>and spied a small human figure piloting the Bronco.

Crow: (Tifa) I spy with my little eye ...


>The spinning weapon returned to the pilot's outstretched right hand
>just before she turned to regard her unwelcome passengers.

>"Yuffie!" exclaimed Tifa in shock.

All: *groan*
Kat: Oh, great, the Brat Attack is back, Jack ...

>"Hold on!" warned the young girl before she sent the Bronco

Kat: ... to fetch a pail of water?
Dino: ... straight to Hell in a handbasket?
Jase: ... spiraling down into the deep ocean where they all died a
horrible, watery death?
Kat: Wouldn't the fic be over then?

>roaring high into the air.
>Tifa and Nanaki held on for dear life,

Dino: At this point, I figured Tifa would welcome her death, I do...

>the turbulence desperately tearing at their bodies.

Jase: (Stewardess) In case of turbulence, please make sure your tray
tables are in their full upright and locked positions. In case of
lemon scenes, please make sure your airsick bags are in their open
and ready-to-barf positions ...

>Yuffie giggled maliciously as she

Dino: Suddenly turned into the Joker......?
Kat: We've had a lot of Batman riffs...
Jase: yea...it's the running joke of this episode

>guided the Bronco west across the calm blue sea. After several hours,

KAt: ....the lemons still going?! After several hours and countless days?!
Dino: Yup, precious hours of your life you'll never see again...


>the Bronco approached a narrow island.

ALL: *groan* ...great

>Yuffie turned the Bronco sharply to port

Jase: ... causing it to spiral out of control and crash down to a firey
death. The end.
Dino: This fic is really bringing out your dark side, dude...

>and dove down towards a small village. The ground rushed up to meet the
>swift airship

Kat: (Ground) Hey there! How's it going?

>until it smashed into a small stand of trees.

Dino: Good thing Jimmy-Joe's Trees-While-U-Wait was there to break their
fall ...

>Branches snapped


>across the Bronco's wings while other limbs beat painfully upon Tifa
>and Nanaki.

Jase: Looks like they whipped it ... whipped it good!

>Tifa lost her grip first, disappearing in a flurry of clutching
>branches. Nanaki yelled after Tifa,

Dino: (Nanaki) MY NOOKIE!

>then was knocked from the Bronco's tail section by a particularly wide
>tree limb.

All: Wha-wha-wha-wha-whaaaaaaa ...
Kat: So the PLANE missed the limb, but Red didn't? What the hell?!

>The Bronco bounced onto a flat plain after passing through the wood,

Guys: Huh-huh-huh, huh-huh-huh, "wood".
Kat: ...Great, a horrible lemon, and now you two are becoming BEavis and Butt-HEad..could it be worse
Jase: Already forgot? The lemon is still going, and if you become permenant on this show, you have to endure this weekly
Kat: ....

>grinding to a halt battered and covered with leaves.

Jase: Takes a licking and ....
Kat: Somehow doesn't explode...

>Yuffie jumped out of the Bronco's cockpit,

>examined the craft briefly,

Dino: (Yuffie) It stinks!

>then ran north towards the village.
>
>***

Dino: They loaded two clips and only hit three times?!
Jase: Apparently Vincent's aim is getting slack lately...

>
>Tifa groaned,

ALL: Along with the audience..

>then staggered to her feet.

Kat: (Tifa) The last time I drink and fly...pre-take off take off, my soft supple ass

>She looked down at her torn shirt and bruised bare legs, then vainly
>brushed the dirt and foliage from her clothes

Jase: Because god forbid, one of the main character chicks be able to do something without being helpless

>before stumbling out of the ravaged wood.

Guys: *snicker*
Dino: Yeah, Tifa's ravaged some woods in her day, I'll tell you ...

>The beautiful girl left the stand of trees,

Kat: *singing* can't see the forst for the trees...can't smell your own shit on your paper!
Jase: O_o
Dino: She was insulting the author
Jase: Oh

>entering a green plain with the ocean lapping to the east. Tifa looked
>around for Nanaki, then walked north after failing to find him.

Jase: (Tifa) Heeeere, kitty-kitty-kitty ...

>She approached the village, which she remembered was called Utai.

Kat: Gesundheit.

>A squad of armored guards rushed to the edge of town

Dino: (Guard) HEY! It's Tifa! I call first!
Jase: (Guard) Aww c'mon man, I'm sure she'll take us all at once


>when they spied her, pikes held at the ready. Tifa raised her gloved
>fists,

Kat: (Tifa) Black Power!

>then charged into the soldiers.

All: *make sounds of trumpets blowing* CHARGE!!!

>With the power of Premium Heart,

Jase: (Darth Vader) You underestimate the power of her breasts

>Tifa easily beat the guards into unconsciousness.

Kat: Instructions: Put soldiers in bad lemon and beat thoroughly.

>She marched into Utai, her guard up for further obstacles.

Dino: In which she was so paranoid she missed the small mound and fell flat on her face...
Jase: ...then proceeded to bounce back to her feet

>The town was strangely quiet,

Kat: ... a little TOO quiet ...

>no villagers walked the streets,

ALL: Ooooffff cccooouuurrrsseeee

>and none of the shops were open.

Jase: No International House of Pancakes? The horror!

>Tifa went to Godo's house,

Kat: Godo? Star Wars?
Dino: No, that's Guedo
Jase: Do not pass Godo, do not collect $200.

>carefully sliding the paper door open. The town elder did not appear to
>greet Tifa,

Jase: He appeared instead to be sleeping.
Kat: Lazy bastard..

>the house was deathly silent.

>Tifa closed the door behind her, then walked to the candle-lit shrine.

Dino: (Tifa) Odd ... I've never seen a shrine devoted to the Overfiend
before ...
Jase: ...Isn't that a FFX thing?
Kat: FFX-2 actually..

>The square room was filled to capacity,

Dino: ... for WWF RAW, live from Utai!
Kat: You know...I've had it, the place is 'WUTAI'..In think anyway
Jase: I've past the point of caring...

>villagers pressed tightly together as they knelt in worship.

Kat: (Villager) Ohhh, mighty lemon god, please deliver us from PJ ...
Dino: And us too!

>A gorgeous woman with long flaming red hair

>sat in a lotus position facing the prostrate villagers.

Kat: (Woman) Hello there. Did you bring a dish to pass?

>Writhing purple tentacles

Dino: ...
Others: YES! OH MY GOD YES!

>traveled from her naked body to each of the worshipers.

Dino: ....why...me....
Jase: Finally some tentacles!
Kat: Bout time!

>Yuffie knelt directly in front of the woman,

Dino: (Yuffie) Bless me, oh tentacle demon, for all I think about is
sinning ...
Kat: (Tentacle woman) ...It's ok, we're in a lemon, I'll help you!

>a tentacle burrowing deeply into the base of her neck.

Jase: She's raping her neck?!
Dino: Dear Discord I pray so...

>"Jenova?" whispered Tifa, recalling the evil creature's glistening,
>purplish flesh and overpowering stench.

Dino: ....I have a bad feeling about this....

>"Yes. You missed a piece of me," smiled the woman

Kat: I didn't miss her, you?
Jase: Nope...
Dino: The battle music, yes. Her...no. A ball with tentacles...not really threatening as a boss

>while she rose gracefully to her bare feet.

Jase: And so the tentacle demons did rise up, and smote the large-
breasted heroine utterly ...
Dino: I have bad feeling it begins with an s, but it's not smote...
Kat: hehehehehe

>She retracted her limbs back into her naked body, the openings sealing
>over with new pale flesh.

Kat: (Jenova) When I need to grow new flesh, I use Shinra brand
moisturizer to make sure it stays smooth and clean ...

>The worshiping villagers fell into an unconscious heap

Dino: Yeah, all that bowing and scraping takes a lot out of a fellow

>as Yuffie turned to face Tifa, her Conformer shuriken ready to cast.

Kat: (Yuffie) You WILL like the Backstreet Boys, or face my wrath!
Dino: Huh?
Kat: Conformer ...
Jase: Ah.

>"Why did you have Yuffie steal the Little Bronco?"

Dino: (Jenova) OJ took my other one.

>"I need transport to the City of the Ancients.

Jase: (Jenova) There's an undergarment's 50% off sale. and I MUST go!

>There is an enormous gathering of Mako energy there, I must have it."

Kat: OK, when did this fic become Highlander?
Dino: Just as long as Duncan beheads somebody, I'll be happy ...

>"No, I'll kill you first," swore Tifa

Dino: Famous last words. Right alongside "At least it can't get any
worse" and "your outnumbered; we'll kick your butt!"
Jase: and 'I'll be back'

>before she sprinted towards the smiling woman.

Kat: (Imitating model) Love the joker brand

>Yuffie hurled Conformer at Tifa, the huge shuriken tearing the air as
>it spun towards the young woman.

Dino: (Marv Albert) 3-Point attempt!

>Tifa knocked Conformer aside with Premium Heart,

Dino: (Same) DENIED!
Jase: Unfortunately for the bright thinker, she is, it sliced her arm completely off...

>then jump kicked Yuffie, knocking the girl into the wall behind her.

All: *singing* Everybody was kung-fu fighting ...
Guys: HA!

>Jenova grew three long tentacles,

Jase: Because a lemon's just not a lemon without some tentacle rape ...

>the limbs shooting out like gleaming spears towards Tifa.

Dino: And our next contestant on the javelin throw ... miss Jenova!

>The girl jumped over the tendrils as they smashed into the floor,

Dino: *singing* If you're happy and you know it, smash the floor

>then she charged Jenova, slamming Premium Heart into the woman's face.

Jase: (Tifa) BITCH!
Kat: (Jenova) WHORE!
Dino: This is just like Jerry Springer ... only with more tentacles, and taste

>Bone crunched loudly

ALL: *makes crunching noises*

>within the dimly lit room as Jenova staggered back, her nose a
>flattened ruin.

Dino: Just like Nibelheim after Tifa stretched her back

>Blood dripped from Jenova's mouth as she laughed mockingly.

Kat: (Jenova) OH, that Carrot Top cracks me up ..
Jase: Don't spoil the moment with that name!

>The three tentacles retracted from the floor, then dove after Tifa

Dino: Hey, it's diving for Tifa! The hip new game for the whole family!

>as she tried to evade their approach.

Jase: (Tentacle) I am approaching the vagina, over.
Kat: (Tentacle) Roger that, Tentacle 1. We'll cover you, over.
Dino: ...this isn't going to be pretty..

>One tentacle punched Tifa in the back of her left leg, forcing her to
>her knees.

Dino: Ah, taking out the legs. A good strategy when facing a larger
opponent.
Kat: Or the helpless female types..

>A second limb smacked her in the head,

Dino: (Tentacle) Smack my bitch up!
Kat: (Tentacle) Youse best have my money, sistah, or youse be eatin'
through a straw!
Jase: TENTACLE TO THE HEAD!

>making her dizzy with pain.

Kat: (Tifa) Duhhh ... I like muffins ...

>As the third tendril dove down, Tifa punched it with Premium Heart,
>splattering it apart in a cloud of gore.

All: Ewwww ...
JAse: Awwww. Well, guess we don't get to see the anal raping this time ...
Dino: Hopefully....

>Jenova screamed in agony

Kat: (Jenova) MY BINKYYYYYY!!!

>then aimed her human arms at Tifa.

Dino: As opposed to her, what? Robot arms?

>A blue cloud formed around Jenova's hands

Jase: (Jenova) Ooops, sorry! Shouldn't have eaten Taco Bell before we
started filming ... heh ...

>before a shaft of compact water burst out,

Dino: (Jenova) SHINING AQUA ILLUSION!
Jase: Now you're naming her attacks?!
Dino: I gotta stay ane somehow!
Kat: I think you're past that point, Dino
Jase: *
ZING!*

>slamming into the prostrate Tifa. Tifa slid across the shrine room,

Jase: (Tifa) Glub-glub ... this is gonna KILL my hair ... glub-glub ...

>bumping into unconscious villagers until she crashed into a dense pile
>of them.

Kat: DOGPILE!

>Water gushed over Tifa's chest and face, it filled her nose and mouth
>until she was coughing for air.

Dino: Fire Hose 1, Tifa 0

>When the water assault ended, Tifa staggered to her feet, then fell
>back

Kat: (Tifa) Jump back! Kiss myself!

>when Yuffie jump kicked her in the stomach, sending her flying over a
>pile of prone bodies.

Jase: (KI announcer) HYPER Combo!

>Tifa fell with a splash,

Kat: He-he-he-ho, wipeout ...
Jase: She's makin' a big splash in this fanfic ...
Dino: Da-dum-chiss...

>landing in a puddle of chilling water.

Dino: Y'know, she should really just chill ... heh-heh ... ARRRGHHHH!!!
It hurts it hurts ithurtsithurtsithurtsssss ...
Jase: There, there, Dino, it's OK. We made it through, the Pokemon fic...and the Sailor Moon, right?
Dino: *sniffles* But they weren't this LOOOONG ...
Jase: True...but at least you don't have to see Charizard raping Misty..
Dino: Good point. *straightens up* C'mon, PJ! Gimme your best shot!
Jase: Thatta boy!
Dino: BITE ME!

>Yuffie marched to where Tifa lay, then kicked her cruelly in the face.

All: BOOT TO THE HEAD!

>Tifa's body lurched back,

Kat: (Tifa) You raaaang? Uhhhhhhh ...

>then returned down to the water soaked floor.

Jase: It's always good to see a girl return to where she came from ...
Dino: Where the hell do you see silicone?

>Tifa lay helplessly on her back, her face burning with pain, the taste
>of blood thick in her mouth.

Kat: So, she should lap up some water and thin it out..

>Yuffie bent down to grab a handful of Tifa's hair, then dragged the
>girl

Dino: (Yuffie) Yuffie like girl. Girl stay with Yuffie. EEEGAAHHHH!!!


>back to the altar where Jenova stood with a triumphant grin.

Kat: (Jenova) I'm the only non-useless female in this story! Woo-hoo!

>"Very good, my child," praised Jenova as Yuffie deposited Tifa before
>her.

Dino: Unfortunately for Yuffie, the deposit wasn't enough so the bank rejected it and foreclosed her house

>"Take her."

Jase: Man, it's hard to be the author's favorite character in a lemon
...
Kat: (Yuffie) Take her where? Can we go to McDonald's?
Dino: (Jenova) *sighs*

>Yuffie knelt next to the limp Tifa,

Dino: A little viagara works wonders...
Kat: STOP! You'll give him ideas
Jase: As if, PJ wouldn't hermaphodise Tifa...
Dino:........I hope....

>then crudely tore off the girl's clothes.

Kat: Does Tifa really have any clothes left?
Dino: Who cares?!
Jase: Not me!

>Tifa moaned weakly as Yuffie spread her legs apart

Jase: (Tifa) Not again ... can't PJ have somebody ELSE get raped for
once?

>and bent down to suck on her pussy.

Kat: ..THAT DOES IT!
Guys: o_o
Kat: I'm sick of this peon! It doesn't work like that! You just don't SUCK on it. It's not a rod or a pole or a blade...WHAT THE HELL!?
Guys: *inch away from Kat*

>Yuffie licked up and down Tifa's pussy mechanically, like a zombie.

Jase: Somewhere, George Romero is crying.
Dino: *singing* Zo-ombie, zo-ombie ...

>Jenova purred with delight,

Kat: As she lapped up the warm milk from her bowl.
Dino: What the hell?
Kat: I dunno....

>then descended from the altar, her bare breasts full and alluring.

Dino: Well, that supports my theory.
Kat: What's that?
Dino: All of the cleavage in the FF7 universe was siphoned off and given to Tifa and Jenova. It explains not only their emormous chests, but why Aeris and Yuffie are flat as washboards.
Jase: That would explain A LOT...

>She straddled Tifa's head,

All: *chanting* Hed, Hed, Hed, Hed ...

>then lowered herself down

Jase: (Bellman) On the bottom floor, registration, lingerie, and tentacle rape ...

>until her red-bushed cunt hung within reach of Tifa's mouth.

KAt: ....
Dino: We know KAt, it doesn't hang, we get it.
Jase: (Tifa) Wow! She IS a natural redhead!

>"Suck my pussy, slut."

Dino: (Tifa) Well, since you asked so nicely ...
Kat: (same) and used my secret pet name..

>When Tifa failed to comply,

Jase: ... the IRS audited her.

>Jenova extended a tentacle from her side.

Kat: Oh, look, Jenova's going to do a scene from Hamlet!

>The tendril slid under Tifa's head and dug into the helpless girl's
>neck. Tifa gasped sharply, then became slack,

Jase: ...as she drank the magical kool-aid to beam up the mothership of Church Bob

>her eyes flat and empty.

Dino: ...Her eyes are gone now?
Jase: ..well, they're empty, so ...I guess?

>She pressed her mouth into Jenova's pussy, her tongue sliding deep into
>the woman's musky vagina.

Kat: (Tifa) Mmmm ... Old Spice.

>"Yes, that's it," groaned Jenova,

Jase: (Jenova) I'll make a new soft drink and name it *Crystal* Pepsi!

>her eyes clasped shut with ecstasy. She thrust her hips back and forth,
>running her cunt over Tifa's wanton mouth.

Kat: The new olympic sport!
Dino: What's that
Kat: Cunt running!

>Yuffie continued to suck on Tifa's hot pussy,

Dino: ...back to basics...

>her young lips chewing on Tifa's tender labia folds. Tifa moaned with
>pleasure,

Jase: While we moaned in pain.

>then licked repeatedly on Jenova's clit,

ALL: *singing* Now lick it! Into shape! Lick it good!

>washing her tongue against it over and over

Dino: So clitorii used to be like what, washboards?
Kat: Obviously so

>until it was hard with arousal. Jenova slid a tentacle out of her back,

Jase: (Jenova) Yow! How'd THAT get there?
Dino: This isn't so bad...I think

>then sent it between Yuffie's slim legs.

Kat: Now that's an unusual mission plan ...
Dino: Only in non-lemons Kat

>The tendril nuzzled past the girl's shorts and panties, then thrust
>into her tight little cunt.

Dino: And the tentacle rape begins... *deep brathe, sigh, apathetic* joy

>Yuffie moaned blissfully then redoubled her sucking on Tifa's wet slit.

KAt: Then just to be safe, because sucking on a slit is tricky, she triple and quadrupled

>Jenova buried her long fingers in Tifa's rich thick hair,

Jase: Which hair?
Dino: I'm guessing head

>forcing the girl's face to press even harder into her melting crotch.

All: Ewwww ...
Kat: It's an unexplained anamoly! The Melting Cunt!

>Tifa's tongue slid up and down the entire length of Jenova's pussy,
>adorning it with warm saliva until it dripped with moisture.

Dino: Adorning huh? So what? The saliva is the crown?

>Jenova's labia quivered with lust,

Jase: Looks like it's that time again, folks. Dino, if you would?
Dino: Gladly. *coughs* (Frank N. Furter) I see you shiver ... with
anti-
(LONG pause)
Dino: -pation.
Others: *cheer*

>and the flesh was hot

Dino: *collapses to the floor, clutching his head* AARRRRGHHHH!!!
HOT!!! CHARIZARD! CHARIZARD AND HIS MASSIVE CO-
(Suddenly, JAse moves forward, and smacks Dino upside the head with a wrench)
Dino: -CK ... wha? What happened?
Jase: Pokemon flashback. It's ok now
Dino: Ah. Good. *returns to his seat*

>and engorged with blood; it shone with a deep pink sheen,

Kat: Man, Charlie Sheen MUST be hard-up for work to take that role ...

>glistening with heady feminine juices.

Jase: Lemon juice, most likely.
Dino: Da-dum-chiss

>Tifa devoured Jenova's honey,

Kat: Just like she did with toast....
Jase: Winnie the Pooh would NOT be pleased ...

>her mouth caressed every inch of moist pussy flesh, licking the sweet
>fluid as fast as it poured from Jenova's ripe womb.

Dino: You know...PJ puts a lot of detail in pretty much, what some would consider vaginal snot..
Kat: ....that's gotta one of the most original ways I've heard someone describe that...

>Yuffie rubbed her face against Tifa's naked thighs, then sucked on the
>girl's clit, making Tifa groan huskily.

All: (Tifa, masculine) MMMMMM ... BEEFY!

>The tentacle in Yuffie's cunt pumped faster and faster,

Jase: V-8 Horsepower makes all the difference..

>making the girl's ass bob up and down rhythmically.

Kat: Somewhere, Funkmaster P is crying ...

>Honey dripped from Yuffie's pussy, coating Jenova's tendril, allowing
>it to push even deeper into the young girl's belly.

Dino: In which the digestive juices took hold of the tentacle...
Jase: All our tentacles come with an extra thick coating of vaginal snot for good high quality rape scenes!

>The shrine echoed with the moans of the three females, their cries of
>lust reverberated back upon them,

Dino: Until finally, the volume grew so loud, all three of their heads
exploded, splattering brains and gore everywhere.
Kat: That was pretty dark...so who wants ICe Cream?

>increasing their hunger for sex. Jenova orgasmed with a scream,

Jase: (Jenova) I....AM.......SPARTICUS!

>her pussy releasing a fresh torrent of cum while her tentacle popped
>out of Yuffie's cunt in time to spurt a stream of violet ichor across
>her shorts and legs.

Dino: *sickly* That's NOT Brisk, baby ...
Kat: I wonder, because of Jenova's tentacle in Yuffie, does that make Jenova a hermaphrodite?
Jase: A Debtable point, Kat. One would assume, because Jenova is a shapeshifter, she's sexless.
Dino: ...right-o...then
Others: What?

>Jenova took her tentacles back into her body,

Jase: (Jenova) No more tentacle rape for you two!
Kat: Awww...

>then staggered away from the two prone girls. Yuffie stood up,

Dino: And fell back down because of all the slick honey everywhere...

>awaiting further commands, while Tifa lay limply in a puddle of water
>and purple cum, her naked body filthy with Jenova's fluids.

Kat: (Tifa) I've fallen ... and I can't get up.

>Jenova claimed a patterned silk robe from the altar

Jase: (Jenova) I claim this coat for Spain!
Dino: No one ever expects the Spanish Inquisition...

>and pulled it on, then fastened the garment shut with a silk belt.

Kat: Say what you will about this tentacle demon ... at least she has
plenty of fashion sense!

>"Yuffie, take Tifa

Dino: AGAIN?!? NOOOOOOO!!!!

>to the Little Bronco,

Dino: *breathe sighs of relief*

>we depart for the City of the Ancients immediately."
>Yuffie silently walked to Tifa and grabbed the naked girl's wrists.

Jase: (Yuffie) You have the right to cum. You have the right to get
raped repeatedly, if you cannot find a rapist, one will be provided
for you ...

>She pulled Tifa out of the shrine, dragging her across the slick wooden
>floor.

Kat: (Yuffie) *grunt* Jeez, Tifa, what've you been EATING? *grunt*

>Jenova regarded the unconscious villagers,

Dino: (Jenova) And you, bite me!
Jase: Which would start another tentacle scene..
Dino: *apathetic* yay

>then extended out her slim arms.

>The villagers' bodies began to glow with a brilliant green light, and
>streams of energy leapt out towards Jenova's outspread hands.

Dino: Alright! I call rip off! That's clearly a rip off of Parasite Eve's Central Park scene!
Jase: He has a good point
Kat: Well, true, but there's been lots of rip offs over the years. Even George Lucas says parts of Star Wars were ripped from other movies
Guys: ....You have a point
Dino: But it's still horrible...
Kat: No argument there.

>Jenova moaned with pleasure as she absorbed the life energy from Utai's
>citizens.

Kat: (Jenova) Friends! Utaians! Countrymen! Lend me your souls!

>The woman's naked body became brighter and brighter,

All: *put on sunglasses*

>suffused with spirit energy.

>When all of the villagers had been emptied, Jenova lowered her arms

Jase: Which saved the rest of the world, because Jenova forgot to put on deorderant this morning

>and walked cheerfully out of the shrine to rejoin her slave and >prisoner.

Kat: (Jenova) Walkin' on sunshine ...
Dino: . . .
Jase: THE DOORS ARE OPEN!
Others: *Cheer*
(Everyone flees the theatre)

(.69 ... 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 .... 7)

(SoD. Kat and Jase are sitting on the couches as Dino, with an extandable pointer, points at roughly drawn pictures of stick figures. One of them is poorly draw with big circle on either side of it, clearly labelled Tifa.)

Dino: So as you can see. Tifa would clearly be the author's favorite character of the FF7 game.
Jase: But usally an author gives their favorite chracter superhuman powers and major plot twists to make them awesome.
Kat: Yea the only thing Tifa has in this fic is horrible lemon scenes.
Jase: And a very very disturbing beastality scene.
Dino: Good point. The conclusion is this.
Others: *lean forward to not miss the point*
Dino: PJ...is one..sick...Puppy.
Others: Ohhhhhh
(Commercial sign flashes)
Jase: We'll be back *taps it*

==========================================================
(Commercial Ads. A plug for Gladiators on Channel Seven, another shameless plug for Nightwalker RP community, and News updates)
==========================================================

(SoD. The theatre doors are open and the crew is staring into the theatre)
Kat: Do we have to go back...?
Jase: Obviously the fic isn't over.
Dino: ...Joy. We must've really pissed him off this week
Kat: But I just joined this show!
Jase: ...it didn't save us from Pokemon
Dino: Good point

(7....6....5....4....3....2....1... .69)

(All re-enters the theatre, grumbling about Tifa.)

>
>====

All: *singing* Dashing through the snow, in a crappy lemon fanfic ...

>
>(IV)

Dino: (Citizens on Patrol)
Jase: How are you doing that?!

>
>A bright shaft of blue light

All: SHAFT!
Dino: That Shaft is one ... ah, skip it, we've done this riff already.

>dominated the central chamber of the Hall of the Ancients.

Kat: I picture Shat joining the Justice LEague HAll. Not the Ancients
Jase: Nah, Shaft's too awesome for a group

>The pillar of light was pure Mako energy, generated from deep within
>the heart of the planet.

Dino: And BOY, did the planet have a majoy case of heartburn!

>Two human figures floated within the Mako beam, Aeris and Cloud.

All: *groan*
Kat: Well, here comes cliche!
Dino: Hey at least PJ's trying to be normal, he might fail miserably but at least he's TRYING.

>Cloud levitated behind Aeris,

Jase: ... as he began to go Super-Saiyan, his rage at being typefied as
a cliched asshole fueling his power ...
Dino: Well...if he does make it, we'll never notice the difference

>his strong bare arms wrapped around the girl's slender waist.

Kat: *SNAP!*
Jase: (Aeris) AHHH! My spine!

>Aeris' long brown hair fell freely down her naked back, ending at the
>curve of her waist and small ass.

Dino: I take it PJ doesn't know a non-obscene word for parts of the anatomy
Kat: He possibly does, but what fun would there be in that?
Jase: She has a point

>Cloud slid his hands up Aeris' flat stomach, then cupped her tiny
>breasts.

Kat: Pfff...he wouldn't have to use his hands, just two fingers
Guys: Ouch! *ZING!*

>Aeris moaned softly, her spirit form as solid as flesh within the beam
>of Mako light.

Jase: Soo...Cloud is using the power of the lifestream just so he can bang Aeris again?
Dino: Selfish ain't he?

>Cloud nuzzled the right side of Aeris' neck,

Kat: Oh, look, I think he's trying to tell us something!
Dino: What is it boy?
Jase: Is Timmy stuck in the well again?

>his nose buried within her thick hair. The nude warrior

Dino: Kekko Kaman?
Jase: Who?!
Dino: Long story..

>squeezed Aeris' tits, squashing them together while he rubbed his
>hardened cock between her firm buttocks.

Kat: ...Aeris just doesn't strike me as an anal chick.
Jase: And Tifa doesn't look like a beastal scene person, your point?

>Aeris groaned in ecstasy, molding her naked body against Cloud's,

Dino: Damn. Sephiroth killed her and she became silly puddy...talk about reincarnation twists.

>her hands pressed firmly upon his muscled thighs.

Jase: Wow, I didn't know Cloud used a thighmaster

>Cloud massaged Aeris' breasts, caressing the soft mounds until her
>little nipples were pert with arousal.

ALL:....
Dino: I think PJ's making an attempt at a sweet lemon
Jase: Other than the fact of them being highly out-of-character...it might work

>He moved his hands to Aeris' crotch,

Kat: Because property tax was a lot cheaper there, and he could get
cable.

>parting the soft lips of her pussy with his gentle hands.

Dino: He must'ce been there when Moses parted the sea and took notes

>Aeris gasped softly as Cloud fondled her cunt, his fingers rubbing her
>tender labia until it glistened with her juices.

Jase: The sequins helped out too!

>The naked girl rubbed her ass against Cloud's crotch, his cock
>throbbing when it contacted her wet slit.

Kat: Dammit, PJ ... I can't take it anymore!
THE VAGINA IS NOT LOCATED IN THE ASS!!! IT'S ON THE COMPLETELY OTHER SIDE, YOU TALENTLESS-
Dino: *clamping a hand over Kat's mouth* WHOA, there, chick! We don't need to get flamed for this
Jase: Yeah. Besides, we can make it through this. We've survived
worse.
KAt: Well, I haven't. This guy needs a MAJOR anatomy lesson!
Dino: Volunteering?
Kat: Get bent

>"Fuck me, Cloud," begged Aeris desperately,

All: ...
Jase: Aeris! LANGUAGE!
Dino: Jesus Christos! Is anyone CLOSE to being in character?!
Kat: Honestly. Even as cynnical as I am, I can't picture Aeris even THINKing the word 'fuck' much less saying it..

>her eyes closed with bliss while Cloud poked a finger into her melting
>cunt.

Kat: ANother one! What the hell?!
Dino: The fic must be hell...everyone seems to be melting

>Cloud grabbed Aeris' hips with both hands, then slowly shoved his
>member into the girl's tight pussy.

Jase: Uhm, Cloud? That's NOT how you do the Time Warp again ...

>Aeris' eyes snapped open as she gasped in shock,

Kat: (Aeris) Ewww! Boys!
Dino: She must now be seeing how OOC everyone is in this fic.

>then her eyelids fluttered to slits as Cloud's shaft dove deep into her
>belly.

Jase: (Aeris) Poor guy ... it's so small ... ah, well, I'll humor him.
Others: *cracks up*

>Aeris' vagina wrapped firmly around Cloud's tool

Dino: So obviously, Aeris got Cloud a wrench for Christmas...and...is wrapping it with her vagina?
KAt: Weirdest I ever seen to wrap a present

>while he began pumping in and out of her cunt. The two nude lovers
>moved rhythmically as one,

Jase: Dino...kill me!
Dino: O_o why?
Jase: I just had the strongest urge to do a Spice Girls riff...
Kat: ....ditto


>flesh sliding against flesh as Cloud rammed himself into Aeris'
>yielding love hole.

Kat: Holy hell! He didn't use an obscene word!
Dino: It's a miracle!
Jase: Or he ran out of obscene words to describe the vagina
Others: ...

>Cloud seized a handful of Aeris' long hair,

Dino: He's pulling the hair! Ref that's illegal!
Jase: Dino...you ever see that stop anyone wrestling?

>then held on dearly while he shoved his cock harder into the girl's
>moist slit. Aeris fondled her own small breasts, thrusting out her ass
>so Cloud's member could penetrate even deeper into her warm void.

All: ...
Jase: I saw this being...different..
Kat: I was thinking missionary...
Guys: Ditto...

>Cloud released Aeris' hair,

Kat: ... after tagging it, so he could study its progress as it grew in
the wild.

>then slid his hands along Aeris' sides, making his way to her tits. He
>placed his hands over Aeris',

Dino: (Cloud) HEre...like this...
Kat: Now you completely can't see her tits

>enfolding her palms and her breasts

Jase: Which isn't that hard to do, except for maybe the hands...

>while he pumped faster against her ass.

All: (Aeris, apathetic) Ooooo. Harder. Faster. Oh God.

>Aeris closed her eyes,

Kat: (Aeris) It's ok....the scene's almost over....

>her mouth slack and inviting

Dino: Apparently, she's trying to catch flies.
Jase: Probably attracted by the stench of this story ...

>as she felt her orgasm approach.

Kat: (Mission Control) Uh, Roger, Orgasm-1, you are cleared for approach,over.

>The girl moaned breathlessly,

Dino: (Peter Graves) By this time, my lungs were aching for lemons!

>her pussy becoming white hot

Jase: ... as the atoms in her body suddenly achieved nuclear fusion,
blowing her, the hideously OOC Cloud, and the entire City to bits.
The end.
Dino: Holy crap, that's a new way to go.

>until a flood of her honey burst out,

Dino: Looks like the damn just broke.
KAt: (Oil Driller) WE GOT A GUSHER!

>coating Cloud's cock and legs. Cloud grunted when he released his own
>load,

Jase:....was a vain attempt to make money off the same named Metallica CD

>his seed filling Aeris' small womb.
>Aeris straightened

All: ATTEN-CHUN!

>from her bent over position, snuggling back against Cloud's strong
>torso.

Dino: (Aeris) My binky!

>Cloud replaced his arms around Aeris' waist,

Jase: Since the last pair fell off...

>then kissed her sweaty mane of hair.

Kat: (Cloud) Mmmm ... B.O. ...

>"You must go now, Cloud.

Dino: (Cloud) But I went before we started ...

>Tifa will be looking for you."

ALL: ...wait
Dino: Isn't this story the Quest for *Aeris* not Cloud?
Kat: I honestly don't think even PJ is paying attention anymore..

>"No, I want to stay with you," replied Cloud

Jase: (Cloud) I want to be an ignorant asshole without concern for the
feelings of anyone other than myself!
Dino: ...Well, that's close to be in-character, I guess...

>as he rubbed his nose against Aeris' scalp.
>"I'm just a spirit, I can't leave this Hall."

Kat: So ... if Aeris is still dead ... does that make Cloud a
necrophiliac?
Jase: The way this story's going, I wouldn't be surprised.

>"Then I will never leave."

Jase: (Cloud) I'll die a slow and agonizing death from starvation!

>"Oh, Cloud, you're

Dino: ... an idiot?
Jase: ... a poorly-written asshole?
Kat: ... in dire need of a new haircut?

>alive,

ALL: ...that too...

>you should be with the living."
>"You are everything to me, I don't want anyone else.

All: *singing* I don't want ... anybody else ... when I think about you
I touch myself ...

>I love you."

Kat: Well, I hate you, so nyah!
Dino: Kat, he's just text. HE can't help the way he's written
Kat: Your point?

>"Cloud," murmured Aeris before she turned to face her lover.

Kat: (Aeris) I never noticed this before, but ... DAMN, you're ugly!

>Cloud held her tightly against himself,

Jase: (Aeris) Uh ... Cloud? A little too hard there ...
All: *make sounds of bones breaking*

>then tilted her head back to kiss her.

Dino: Unfortunately snapping her neck at the same time.
Kat: You two are starting to scare me ...
Guys: *cackle madly*

>Aeris surrendered to Cloud's embrace. Although she knew it was false,

Jase: ... though, the question was phrased in such a way to make it appear true.

>she felt alive with Cloud beside her.

Kat: Must....resist.....cuddle....moment....must....riff....

>
>***
>

Jase: Is that a UFO?
Dino: I swear to god if there's an alien lemon scene, someone will die
Kat: Mighty big talk for someone stuck in a theatre and forced to read this...
Dino: *sadly* I know..

>It was well into the night when Nanaki finally awoke.

Jase: Lucky bastard...I wish I could've slept through that

>He groaned as he rose to his feet,

Kat: (Nanaki) Ooooo ... I really gotta lay off the catnip tequilas ...

>then he sniffed around for Tifa. Failing to find the girl, Nanaki left
>the small wood,

All: *snicker*
Dino: That's OK, Nanaki ... LOTS of anthropomorphic cats have that
problem ... *snicker*

>emerging into the plain south of Utai. The large red cat sprinted to
>the dark silent town,

Kat: Then, when he found Tifa wasn't in Sonotropolis, he searched in
Utai instead.
Guys: Wha?
Kat: Long story..

>then caught a faint trace of Tifa's scent.

Dino: (Nanaki) Is that tuna I smell?
Jase: (same) She must be near!

>He followed the trail to Godo's house, which he cautiously entered.

Kat: Hate to tear those fine paper walls, after all.

>Nanaki entered the pitch-black shrine, the candles burnt to stubs hours
>previously.

ALL: Obviously...

>Dead bodies littered the room,

Dino: Wait...didn't he rip PArasite Eve?
Kat: Yea, your point?
Dino: There shouldn't be any bodies left!
Jase: Well...nyah. That's what I'm sure he would say

>strangely dry and wrinkled.

Kat: As opposed to moist and juicy.

>Nanaki twitched his nose in disgust,

Dino: (Nanaki) Ewww! I slept with THAT?

>continuing his search of the room until he found Tifa's torn clothing
>on the floor near the shrine's altar.

Jase: (Nanaki) Oh, she must be getting raped again. Eh, no change in the weather then.

>The cat twitched his ears

Dino: (Nanaki) Is that Rob Zombie I hear?

>when he discovered Yuffie's scent as well as one other, the monster
>known as

Kat: ... Bill Clinton?
Dino: ... Rod Stewart?
Jase: ... Barabra Streissand?

>Jenova.

All: Ohhhhh ...

>Fearing for his friend, Nanaki raced out of the village,

Kat: Nanakis come running for the rich taste of lemons!

>scouring the countryside until he found the crash site of Tiny Bronco.

Dino: It turned out to be hidden under a small pebble and under seige by a fire ant.

>The plane was gone now,

Jase: Or it could be like Wonder Woman's see through plane
Dino: How did she find it, I wonder
Kat: It's like the Tootsie Pop mystery, the world may never know..

>but Nanaki sniffed the surroundings

Dino: Including, oddly enough, a nearby cat's butt.

>until he verified that Tifa, Yuffie, and Jenova had been here. Nanaki
>sat down on his haunches, lowering his head in thought.

Kat: (Nanaki) Thinking is hard ...
Jase: Apparently lowering the head does NOT help brain operations...

>"Hey! Who are you?"

Dino: I'm Dino, former citizen of the United St-...oh well...obviously not talking to me

>inquired a young female voice from the darkness.

Jase: (Nanaki) Well hello, Lucy.....fer.

>Nanaki leapt to his feet, spinning to face the unknown speaker, his
>fangs bared threateningly.

Kat: (Nanaki) WHAT?!? I have NOT had my coffee this morning, and I'm
in a REALLY bad mood!

>"Whoa! Nice kitty!"

Dino: Hey, watch your mouth!
JAse: Dino, she said nice kitty, not nice pus-
Dino: AHEM!

>soothed a girl dressed in a black body suit and masked hood.

ALL: ...
Dino: Who the hell is that?
JaseL An amish ninja I guess...

>She held a short sword tightly with both of her small hands, the blade
>gleaming in the starlight.
>"What's your name, little girl?"

Kat: (Girl) Ick-ick-lemony-ginglar!
Dino: (same) Or Gina

>"I'm Hikaru, a famous and deadly ninja!"

Jase: (Hikaru) And BOY, is CLAMP gonna be pissed when they find out I'm
gone!

>"Famous? I never heard of you."

Jase: (Hikaru) Well, famous in Britain, anyway.
Dino: (Nanaki) Ah, that would explain it.

>"That little bitch Yuffie gets all the attention. I hate her!"

Kat: A NEW IDEA!
Guys: What?
Kat: Character development!

>"Right now I don't like her much either.

Dino: (Nanaki) That's why I kill her first.

>Did you see them leave?"
>"Yes, they flew southeast.

Kat: Those bastards are running for the border!
Jase: What the hell? Mexico's west-ish
Kat: Hey, I'm a product of the American educational system, leave me
alone ...

>I overheard the tall woman saying that they were going to

Dino: (Hikaru) ... the White Sale at Penny's! And they didn't take me
along, the little sluts!

>the City of the Ancients. That tall lady looked really creepy and
>mean."

JAse: Because she had tentacle prottruding from odd angles? Tsk, racist

>"Damn. Do you know anyone on this island who might have

Kat: (Nanaki) ... any Grey Poupon?
Dino: (Hikaru) but of course

>a boat or airship?"
>"Yes! There's a crazy old man named Metsua who lives in the western
>mountain range."

Kat: He keeps screaming at me to "Head for the mountains of Busch!"

>"I will go there to get his help," said Nanaki

Jase: (Nanaki) I shall accept what you say as the truth, though you have no proof and I've never met you before in my life!
Dino: Ahh good ol' blind trust

>before he turned to begin running west.

Dino: Go west young pussy
Kat: Dino!
Dino: What?! He is!

>"Hey! Wait for me!"

Jase: (Hikaru) I haven't been raped yet!

>"I do not require further help from you.

Dino: (Nanaki) You are little girly-ninja, pathetic and weak.

>My quest is dangerous and no concern of yours."
>"I want to help you against Yuffie. If that little slut is up to
>something,

Kat: (Hikaru) ... it probably involves sex scenes, and I haven't been
laid in months!

>I want to help you stop her."
>"Very well," sighed Nanaki.

Dino: (Nanaki) Fine, ya big BABY ...

>"Climb onto my back."
>Hikaru giggled as she slid onto the big cat's body.

Dino: *praying* Oh, please, Goddess Eris, let this not be another
beastiality scene ...
Kat: I thought Discordians didn't pray? And we did you become a Discordian?!
Dino: Remember the fifth rule Kat; never believe what you read.

>Nanaki waited until she had a firm grip on his mane, then he shot
>forward into the night.

Jase: *singing* Blue streak speeds by ... Sonic the Hedgehog ...

>Hikaru laughed with joy,

Kat: And the dish ran away with the spoon.

>relishing the feel of the wind against her masked face.

All: *hum the theme to "Bonanza" again*

>The duo traveled all night, approaching the mountainous home of Metsua
>just as the sun broke

Kat: *CRASH!*
Jase: (Nanaki) Uhm ... ooops?

>across the eastern horizon. Nanaki stopped to catch his breath,

Dino: (Nanaki) *Huff* ... I'm getting too old for this ... *puff*

>allowing Hikaru to dismount and stretch her stiff legs.

Dino: Thank Eris that's the ONLY thing that's stiff ...

>"That was some ride. You're really fast!"

Kat: (Nanaki) Well, y'know, I did install a V-8 under my hood, and I
try to keep myself in good condition ...

>"Wait here. I will climb up to Metsua's home."
>"No! I'm a ninja! I can climb too!"

Jase: (Hikaru) I'm only here for rape fodder, but dammit, I'll do my
job and do it well!

>Hikaru defiantly attached climbing claws to her hands and feet then

Jase: ... went out of business when nobody bought her comic books.
Kat: Y'know, she could always summon Rayearth to help her out here ...

>began ascending the rocky surface of the mountain. Nanaki sighed in
>frustration,

Dino: (Nanaki) Kids these days ...always wanting to be raped

>then followed after the ninja girl, extending his own sharp claws from
>his paws to climb the steep slope. Girl and cat

Jase: G'damnit, if Earnest Miller makes an appearance in this, somone's getting thrown out of an airlock

>climbed most of the morning, eventually reaching the old man's
>dwelling.

Dino: Only to see a sign that read, "Closed for the summer. Please come back and visit us next fall!"
Kat: Da-dum-chiss
Dino: Hey! You're stealing my shtick!

>Nanaki and Hikaru stopped to rest on the small ledge that led into
>Metsua's cave. Nanaki led the way into the cave, his sharp cat eyes
>watching out for traps.

Jase: Unfortunately, his eyes were so sharp that when he turned his head too quickly, they neatly sliced Hikaru's legs off at the knees.
Dino: In which she fell backwards tumbling down the mountain for the next two hours and killing her at the bottom.

>The duo traveled twenty feet into the cave,

Kat: (PJ) Yes, that's right, EXACTLY twenty feet, to the inch.

>then halted before a flat stone wall. Engraved sigils formed a crude
>doorway upon the rock,

Kat: Ominously proclaiming, "Eat at Joe's."
Dino: Hey, look, it's one of them Stargate thingies!
Jase: Think there's any chance that Ra guy will show up and fry their
brains?
Dino: We can only hope, Jase

>but they did not react when Nanaki and Hikaru drew close.

Kat: (Nanaki) Maybe it needs the blood of 43 virgins to open it?
Dino: (Hikaru) But where on Earth are we going to get 43 virgins on a Tuesday?!

>"How do you open the portal?"

Jase: (Hikaru) You must say the words, "Wiki wiki wowa mocha latte!"

>"I don't know, I've never been here before," shrugged Hikaru.

Kat: ...what a way to help the team, loser

>The sigils suddenly brightened with greenish radiance,

Dino: Cocoon?

>heralding the appearance of a door sized opening.

Kat: ... as Quinn, Rembrant and company slid into yet another alternate
Earth.
Guys: *groan*

>Nanaki glanced at Hikaru, then slowly walked through the now open
>portal.

Dino: Though sadly the portal was one-way and Nanaki was going the wrong way..

>The ninja girl drew her short sword,

Jase: In a lovely pre-Renaissance style.

>scanning the area beyond the door with her

Kat: ... Hewlett-Packard Scanject 5100C.
Dino: Another shameless plug!

>expert eye. A small entry chamber greeted the two visitors,

Jase: With a large sign that said, "Greetings to the two visitors".

>with a single door in each of the room's remaining three walls.

Jase: Door number 1! Take Door number 1!!
Kat: Door number 2! I say Number 2!!
Dino: Three damnit! Take 3!

>The central door opened, revealing a bent old man with a balding head

Jase: Mr. Miagi?
Kat: Mini-me?
Dino: Grandpa Simpson?

>dressed in filthy red robes. Nanaki wrinkled his nose from the old
>man's stench,

Jase: (Nanaki) Phew! Smells like 70-year-old crap in here ... oh.

>but tried to look respectful.
>"Honored sir, I am in need of transport off this

Dino: (Nanaki) ... stupid lemon. I don't know if I can take the OOCness much longer ...

>island. Hikaru here said that you might be able to help me."

Jase: (Nanaki) But then, she also said something about a place called
Cephiro and flying God-rabbits, so ...

>"My, what a charming little girl," leered Metsua as he looked up and
>down Hikaru's black garbed body.

Kat: More originality, a dirty old leecher...shock!
Guys: (Metsua) Hellloooooo, nurse!

>"I'm a ninja! You better not forget that!" warned Hikaru with a shake
>of her blade.

Jase: (Hikaru) I'm a female in a lemon where we only exist to cum and be raped, but fear me anyway!

>"Oh, ho!

Dino: (Hikaru) WHAT'D you call me?

>Spirit! I like that!" cackled Metsua.
>"Sir? The transport?"

Kat: (Nanaki) Could we get back to the plot point, please?
Dino: (Metsua) YEs, but first! WE LEMON!

>"Yes, I heard you!

Jase: (Metsua) My Bel-Tones are a little off these days, so sue me!

>I have a flyer that you could use.

Dino: (Metsua) It has a banner "Eat at Joe's" that flies behind it.

>What can you pay?"
>"I have no money. Would you consider a trade of materia?"

ALL: ....*groans*
Kat: ...Gratiutious Elder sex...joy

>"No, no!

Dino: (imitating Clinton) No, no, no, no, no, no ...

>I have plenty of materia! How about something else?" smiled Metsua
>cunningly.

Jase: (Metsua) I want ice cream! Lots and lots of ice cream!
Dino: What the hell? You have an addiction to ice cream today?
Jase: Bite me!

>"Oh, no, you don't!

ALL: *sickly* Oh, yes, he does ...

>I won't let a dirty old man like you touch me!" snarled Hikaru.

Kat: Oh, if only we could believe that ...

>"Then I guess we have no further business," shrugged Metsua as he
>turned to leave.

Dino: (Metsua) Please feel free to call my number should you reconsider,
or visit my website at www.oldperverts.net/metsuasorgy ...

>"Please, Hikaru. I need to rescue Tifa and Cloud!"

Jase: (Nanaki) C'mon, all I'm asking you to do is have sex with a smelly old man who could have all sorts of diseases to help someone who
you've never met before rescue two other people you've never met! Is that so much to ask?
Dino: (Hikaru) Well...when you put it that way. Okay I'm in!

>"Will you watch?

Kat: Is she giving us a choice
Guys: *sadly* no
Kat: Damnit!

>To make sure he doesn't do anything really weird to me?"
>"Very well," nodded Nanaki.

Dino: Let's see ... Vincent's a rapist, Cloud's an asshole, Aeris is a
potty-mouth, Tifa's a slut, and Nanaki's a voyeur ...
Jase: Well...it could be worse...
Kat:...don't even give an example

>Metsua cackled with joy,

Kat: (Metsua) I'm cucko for cocoa puffs!

>then led the way into his inner sanctum.

Jase: (Metsua) Ignore the pentagrams and sacrifices to Cthulhu here ...

>The trio entered a snug room with floor cushions

Dino: Isn't floor cushion a fancy way of saying 'bean bag'?

>and braziers emitting clouds of sweet smelling incense. Materia orbs
>sat on shelves all across the room's walls,

Jase: Hey!
Others: Hmm?
Jase: One of those orbs say 'Utai bowling Champion '85" What the hell?!

>their light illuminated the richly draped chamber. Metsua discarded his

Dino: pointless waste of time and just gave the ship to them?
Kat: Oh ho, silly plee

>food-encrusted robe,

Jase: Never thought to wear a bib I take it

>exposing his thin, wrinkled body.

All: AIGH!!!
Kat: DEAR GOD I'M BLIND!
Jase: I CAN'T SEE!
Dino: *rplaces sunglasses on everyone*
Jase: ...way to ruin my way out, huh?
Kat: BAstard

>Hikaru frowned with distaste,

Jase: Well...now she knows how we feel

>then removed her mask and hood,

Dino: Girls in the hood; as raped as they wanna be.

>revealing a lovely sixteen year old girl's face and neck length black
>hair.

Kat: Yet she had the mind of a fifty year old construction worker, and
the body of a 30-year-old stripper from Topeka, Kansas.

>Metsua grinned with pleasure

Jase: As Jase frowned in horror

>than pointed to the floor in front of him.

Kat: (Metsua) Clean this up this instant, young lady!

>"Kneel down and suck my cock,

All: AIIIIIIIIGHHHHH!!!
Dino: Dear god, I thought it was a bluff!!
Kat: FOR THE LOVE OF SOME GOD!
Jase: DAMN KARMA!

>then you can have the flyer."

Jase: (Metsua) And then you can read about war bonds where ever you go!

>Hikaru obeyed the old man without a word,

Kat: Not even a word to ' yo momma!'

>removing her body suit, then kneeling naked at his feet.

Jase: Well...at least the chick's not so bad
Dino: You do realize she's jail bait, yea?
Jase: So?
Kat: She's text...
Jase: way to go KAt..

>She took Metsua's small cock in her right hand,

Kat: (Cock) Hey, lady, all I wanted was to crow at the rising sun ...

>then began rubbing it back and forth.

Jase: (Hikaru) Wax on...wax off..

>When the member was adequately stiff,

Dino: He must've died and rigor mortis set in!

>Hikaru placed her small mouth on its tip, sucking lightly on the
>engorged head.

Kat: Why...why must he take his sweet time with these scenes?!

>Metsua groaned with bliss,

Dino: (Metsua) Matlock is on!

>placing his hands on his bony hips and thrusting his crotch towards
>Hikaru's young face.

ALL: *groans*
Kat: Can't I just die?
Jase: C'mon just riff it'll make it fly by!
Kat: ...*sickly* then he died the time warp....again
Dino: There ya go!
Kat: Get bent...

>The ninja girl allowed Metsua's cock to slide down her throat,

Jase: Unfortunately activating her gag reflex and causing her to vomit
all over the old man's lap.
Dino: Which prolly turned him on ever more..

>she sucked deeply on the shaft,

Jase: (stoner) Dude ... that's deep.
Kt: *turning a bit green*

>her cheeks taut with strain. Hikaru's head bobbed back and forth,

Dino: (Busta Rhymes) Now bob ya head to start to feel ya neck break!

>her mouth making wet smacking sounds as she slid her lips across the
>old man's tool.

Kat: *weakly* mmm...finger licking....good..

>Nanaki became aroused despite himself.

Dino: In shame he tossed himself off the mountain

>He could feel his cock hardening in response to Hikaru's wanton cock
>sucking.

Jase: as Jase could feel his stomach churning at it...

>He watched the young girl's ass bounce in front of him,

Dino: (Nanaki) Duuuuiii ... bouncy-bouncy-bouncy ...

>and he could see the slit of her pussy teasing him.

KAt: (Hikaru's pussy) You're ugly and you smell bad and you'll never
have a girlfriend!

>He inhaled deeply with his snout, savoring the scent of her womanhood.

Kat: (Nanaki) mmmm Tuna...

>He could tell she was a virgin, her cunt was fresh and untouched.

ALL: ....No, no no! PLEASE NO!

>Unconsciously drooling with lust,

Dino: Bad Nanaki! Outside!

>Nanaki licked his lips, then slowly advanced on the unaware girl.

Dino: (Nanaki) Nibbles and bits, nibbles and bits, I'm gonna get me
some nibbles and bits ...
Kat: You are a sad, strange little man.
Dino: Aww, thanks

>Metsua watched the cat sneak closer to Hikaru's vulnerable ass;

Jase:...so there's a donkey in the room too?

>he smiled but said nothing.
>Hikaru was lost in her sucking

KAt: ... so she was ENJOYING it ...
Jase: *muttering* Spirit of the Winds, I invoke thee ... Spirit of the
Earth, I invoke thee ...
Dino: The hell you doing?
Jase: Trying to summon Cthulhu to eat this abomination ...

>until she felt two paws slap against her bare back,

Jase: (Paws) Where our money, biznitch?

>she glanced back to see Nanaki mounting her,

Dino: In reality he already had the saddle and everything on her and was slipping his paws into the stirrups

>his rock hard cock disappearing between her tiny buttocks.

Kat: ...Well...David Copperfield..

>Hikaru moaned in protest,

Jase: (Hikaru) Hmmm hmmmhmm hmmm hmm hmmmm hmmmm hmmmmhmm hmm!
Dino: Say what?
Jase: I said, (Hikaru) Hmmm hmmmhmm hmmm hmm hmmmm hmmmm hmmmmhmm hmm!
Dino: Ah. That's what I thought you said.

>her mouth full of Metsua's cock

Kat: BAD HIKARU! Don't talk with your mouth full!

>while Nanaki rammed his member into her virginal pussy.

Kat: ...Wait, wasn't Nanaki getting her in the butt?
Dino: LEt it go KAt..
Kat: ..Fine! Seriously, has this guy EVER seen a naked lady? I mean..the interent has MILLIONS of pictures...

>The girl groaned loudly with pain,

All: DEEP HURTING!!!

>her hips twitching as a trickle of blood escaped from her violated
>cunt.

Dino: (John Leguisamo) You've been VIOLATED, girly-man!

>Nanaki growled with pleasure, his cock squeezed by Hikaru's super tight
>vagina.

Kat: ...I hope she crushes it
Jase: Uh..Kat?
Kat: I KNOW! It can't happen, but still

>He ripped her hymen open,

Jase: Revealing a nice, shiny new Beast Wars toy underneath!
Dino: Wow...I was just thinking that

>then shoved his member into the girl's little belly. Hikaru became limp

Kat: I expected Metsua to go limp first...

>with shock, her hands falling away from Metsua's shaft.

Dino: Because it was one bad mutha ... ah, forget it.

>The old man grabbed a handful of the naked girl's hair

Jase: Which hair?
Kat: Jase...
Jase: WHAT?!

>to keep her upright, then increased the violence of his thrusts into
>her slack mouth.

Dino: Welp...the story started PG...then hit R...then X....XX so what the hell are we at now?!

>Hikaru moaned while the old man rammed his cock into her mouth

Kat: ...so obviously...she's enjoying this

>and the big cat fucked her bleeding pussy.

Dino: Simba, NOOOO!!!

>Nanaki's claws unsheathed and bit

Jase: As does this lemon.
Kat: He said bit...not bite..
Jase: ....same difference...

>into the smooth white flesh of her back.

Dino: BAD KITTY!

>The red feline grunted with each thrust into her cunt, his member
>filling her vagina, making it ache as it struggled to widen for the
>large pole.

Kat: And the barber pole gets re-used as a reference...

>Hikaru trembled,

Dino: (Hikaru) Suh-suh-SSSSUUUURRRGE!!!

>both of her orifices dripping with male excretions.

Jase: Y'know, empty beer cans, greasy pizza boxes, cigar butts ...
Kat: ...and right over the line we go!

>Drool flowed down the naked girl's chin,

Dino: Looks like they both need a bib

>and her tiny breasts shook as Nanaki rammed his member in and out of
>her shaved slit.

Kat: ...She's a virgin yet she shaves...
Jase: I figured she kept the katana sharp that way
Dino: *snickers*

>"I think the little whore likes it," smiled Metsua maliciously,

Dino: Well, of course; it IS Lemon Cliche #2034, and Eris knows we gotta
get our cliche quota in.

>his crotch smacking against Hikaru's beautiful face. "Fuck her
>asshole."

Kat: (Nanaki) what did you call me?!

>Hikaru groaned in denial,

Jase: Before the cock cums, she shall deny it three times ...
Others: JASE!

>but Nanaki was consumed with animal lust. He removed his cock from her
>burning pussy,

Dino: Hell, I don't blame him...gotta be hot

>then shoved his engorged shaft into her little anus.

Kat: Looks like she's getting the shaft ... heh-heh ... ugh.

>Hikaru screamed in agony,

Kat: I scream, you scream, we all scream in AGONY FROM HAVING TO READ
THIS *&(^ING BEASTIALITY RAPE SCENE!!! ARRRRGHHHHHHHH!!!!
Jase: I have a feeling she might have a heart attack before this over...
Dino: Kat. Blood Pressure.


>her cries stifled by the pole of wrinkled meat in her mouth.

Kat: *calmly* If you two excuse me...
Guys: ...Okay
(Kat calmly stands walks off the side of the screen, and begins vomiting)
Dino: Poor KAt...
Jase: Told her she shouldn't have eaten during that commercial break..

>Nanaki bared his fangs while he started thrusting inside the naked
>girl's nether hole.

Dino: ...Wow, that's a first
Jase: I wonder if Melgoblia knows about this
Kat: *slowly stumbles back to her seat and sits* ...

>Metsua grabbed fresh handfuls of Hikaru's sleek black hair,

Kat: *weakly* (Metsua) I see you use Vidal Sasoon

>pumping his cock back and forth between the limp girl's lips.

Jase: Poor girl, I bet she never follows a big pussy again

>Hikaru was dazed

Dino: ... and confused?

>with pain and arousal, her pussy quivering as a stream of honey poured
>out to pool between her bent knees.

Kat: ...and ensu the waterfall effect

>Nanaki thrust into Hikaru's ass again and again uncontrollably,

Dino: JAAAAANE, stop this crazy thiiiiiing ...

>his hindquarters slapping loudly against the prostrate girl's creamy
>buttocks.

Jase: (Hikaru) Dammit, I never had to put up with this crap from
Rayearth ...

>Metsua climaxed swiftly, cumming inside Hikaru's mouth,

Kat: THAR SHE BLOWS!

>making the girl drink all of his sticky seed.

Jase: (Hikaru) Tastes like chicken!
Dino: ...

>Nanaki orgasmed inside the girl's ass, his fluids flooding her anus

Kat: HEll why not?! Everyone seems to just spray fluids on orgasms in this fic, WHY NOT

>until they gushed out to cover her bare cheeks. The cat pushed away
>from Hikaru,

Dino: BEcause he was a loner by nature..

>flopping weakly to the floor in exhaustion.

Jase: (Nanaki) Boy, am I tired. Wake me up for the next rape scene,
alright?

>Metsua nodded in satisfaction,

Kat: ...bastard...
Dino: huh?
Kat: PJ...

>then walked to a nearby shelf where a glowing red materia sphere lay.

Jase: (Metsua) shiny...shiny....

>"So, my materia of Lust works.

ALL: MATERIA OF LUST?!
Dino: And the plot thickens...
Jase: Or just gets a new contrivance..

>I'll make a fortune from pimps and brothel houses," cackled Metsua
>greedily.

Kat: ...wow...so he believes there are pips in FF7...

>"Hikaru wasn't affected," protested Nanaki as the shame of his actions
>crashed upon him.

All: SHHAAAAAAMMME!!!

>"I wasn't using it on the bitch, I was using it on you.

All: Wha-wha-wha-whaaaaaaaa ...

>If the materia can turn you into a sex-crazed monster, imagine what it
>can do to a young girl reluctant to fuck a customer."

Jase: (Metsua) And this, too, can be yours, for only $19.95!
Dino: (same) plus $45.95 for shipping and handling...

>"You're the monster!" roared Nanaki

Kat: (Metsua) No, you're the monster!
Jase: (Nanaki) No, YOU'RE the monster!
Kat: (Metsua) No, you are!
Jase: (Nanaki) You are!
Kat: (Metsua) You!
Jase: (Nanaki) You!
Dino: Guys...we're already losing our audience thanks to the fic, if you don't mind?

>before he leapt forward,

Jase: MANNIX!

>tearing into Metsua with his razor sharp claws.

Dino: TOOOOG!!!

>Metsua screamed briefly,

Kat: (Metsua) Oh, poopie!

>until Nanaki tore him into a mess of blood and gore.

All: *cheer wildly*
Kat: One rapist down....a bazillion to go!
Dino: Maybe Nanaki will kill himself?!

>Hikaru watched in a daze, fingering her blood soaked pussy

All: GYAHHHH!!!
Jase: What the hell! She's a twisted nympho!

>and ravaged anus.

Dino: ...alright...that's just weird.

>She stumbled to her feet, and moved to recover her discarded clothing.

Jase: But luckily enough, she activated Nanaki's trap card and it took 400 life points directly from Hikaru

>When Nanaki left Metsua's butchered remains, Hikaru stood near the
>exit, her arms wrapped around her stomach.

Kat: (Hikaru) I'm hungry! Can we go home?

>"I'm sorry, Hikaru. I can never make up for what I did to you."

Jase: Suicide is a start for us...

>"It wasn't your fault, the materia made you fuck me."

Kat: Touche...
Dino: So what's he excuse for getting Tifa?

>"Can you find Metsua's flyer?"

Jase: (Hikaru) Look around! They're everywhere!

>"Yes. Let me get the keys from his robe."

Kat: ...So they couldn't just kill him to start with?
Dino: Kat, remember...Pj is sick puppy
Kat: *grumble*

>Hikaru walked painfully to the old man's fallen robe,

Jase: (Hikaru) Ow-oo-ow-oo-ow-oo ...

>retrieved his keys, and then left the room, leaving Nanaki behind until
>he reluctantly followed.

Jase: (Nanaki) I just know I'm gonna walk right into another lemon scene
...

>
>====

Kat: Look a Highway! We're saved!
Dino: Unless it's a Highway to Hell
Jase: It's gotta be better than this!


>
>(V)

Dino: (The Empire Strikes Back)
Jase: ...

>Yuffie left the concealment of the tall trees to walk upon the curved
>smooth walkway that led into the City of the Ancients.

Kat: A wrecked hive of villiany and darkness...
Jase: Perfect for a few lemon scenes...
Dino: *apathetic* joy...

>The young thief gazed at the strange, twisted structures,

Dino: Anyone want twizzlers now? Or is it just me?
Kat: *burps* ...No thanks

>with their almost living appearance,

Jase: The guy with the weird hair and lab coat who ran around screaming
"IT'S ALIIIIIVE!!!" might've been a clue ...

>then dismissed them in her search for hidden enemies.

Dino: Damnit Google! Hidden Enemies! Not porn!

>Finding no signs of ambushers,

Kat: But I have a feeling lots of sign of bush

>Yuffie motioned briefly at the forest behind her,

Jase: (Forest) You can get bent too slut!

>then proceeded to follow the smooth path deeper into the abandoned
>city. Jenova emerged,

Kat: (Jenova) Hellllloooo, Aaaancients!

>dragged a naked Tifa along after her.

Dino: (Jenova) See, if you just wanted to come along in the first place...

>Tifa's wrists were lashed in front of her by one of Jenova's slimy
>tentacles.

Kat: More tentacle rape?

>Tifa struggled against her captor,

Dino: (tifa) You may take my clothes, but you'll never take MY FREEDOOOMM!!!

>but the monster's strength was too great. Jenova smiled without looking
>at Tifa, she enjoyed the mortal's pathetic writhings.

Jase: (Jenova) It's so CUTE when they try to DO things ...

>The tall robed woman followed her slave until Yuffie motioned for her
>mistress to halt.

ALL: *singing* IN THE NAAME OF LOOOVE

>"I detect

Dino: (Data) ... another stupid lemon scene up ahead, Captain.

>noises up ahead. It could be Cloud or Barret, I'm going forward to
>check it out.

Kat: (Yuffie) So this way I can have another wildly OOC gangbang, hopefully!

>Please hide in one of these dwellings, Mistress. I will be back soon."

Dino: Arnold Shwartzennegar IS Yuffie Kisaragi in "The Quest For Aeris."
Jase: Now there's a horrible mental... Arnold in drag

>"Very well, slave. Hurry.

Kat: ...for JEnova's twisted lemon sale! We got elder scenes! We got beastality scenes! We got more lemons than a lemon grove!

>I sense the Mako fountain nearby."

Jase: So what? She's going throw in a penny and make a wish?

>Yuffie bowed quickly and disappeared into the ruins.

Dino: (Yuffie) SUUUURGE!!!

>Jenova entered a dimly lit house, the living area illuminated by
>sunlight that poured through holes in the roof.

Jase: I bet they pay out the ass to keep the place cool in the summer

>The coldly beautiful woman sat in a sculpted chair, staring at her
>lovely nude prisoner.

Kat: She was fascinated at the detail the sculptor went for in sculpting this beautiful peice.

>Tifa squatted as far away from Jenova as her bonds allowed,

Dino: ...She going to the bathroom?
Jase: (Jenova) BAD TIFA! We do that outside!

>glaring at the evil woman constantly. Jenova smiled maliciously

Kat: (Jenova) I like you. I kill you last.

>and tightened her tendril around Tifa's wrists. The girl scowled as the
>slick tentacle slithered across her skin,

Dino: So it's a rule that tentacles have to be slimy?
Jase: Yup
Dino: Oh

>pressing her arms together until they were numb with pain.

Kat: Which my soul is becoming...

>Jenova chuckled sadistically,

Jase: (Naga) OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!
Dino: ...please, as a friend I say this. Never do that again

>her eyes burning with lust and greed.

Kat: (Ben Stein) Clear eyes is awesome. Wow.

>Desiring more intimate interaction, Jenova

Dino: Called in to vote for her favorite Idol?

>started pulling Tifa closer to her. Tifa growled in protest,

Jase: (Tifa, apathetic) Grrr.

>her bare feet scrabbling against the cold stone floor for purchase.

Dino: Wait, are they playing scrabble? Or are her feet trying to buy something?

>Jenova waited until Tifa lay before her, then she extended two more
>tentacles from her torso,

Kat: Yup more tentacle love
Dino: *apathetic* joy...

>wrapping them around Tifa's ankles. Tifa screamed with fury,

Jase: (Tifa) I DON'T WANNA GO TO THE DOCTOR, DAMMIT!!!

>her naked body thrashing violently. Jenova laughed with amusement,

Kat: (Jenova) Dance, my pretty. DANCE!

>elongating her tongue until it tickled Tifa's helpless labia.

Kat: (Tongue) Coochie-coochie-cooo!
Dino: Literally ...
Kat: Wha......oh. *sickly* great....

>"Damn it! Leave me alone!"
>Jenova hissed with laughter and inserted her tongue into Tifa's pussy.

Jase: (Jenova) Right...so insert tab B into slut A...or is it Slut A over Tab C?

>Tifa bit down on her teeth,

Dino: So what? Tifa has flase teeth in her mouth?
Kat: ...That's the only sense I see in that..

>refusing to give Jenova the pleasure of hearing her cries.

Jase: (Tifa) I'll never say "NIH!"

>Jenova rammed her slick tongue into Tifa's vagina, the thick probe
>wriggling deep into the girl's belly.

Kat: And all that's missing from this is an anal probe...
Dino: Kat. Don't give him ideas.

>Tifa arched her back, her large breasts out thrust and firm.

Guys: *drool*
Dino: I know I shouldn't enjoy this...
Jase: I know, but...can't...resist...

>Jenova spread Tifa's legs wide apart, then pumped her tongue back and
>forth inside Tifa's moist cunt.

Kat: (Jenova) Mmmm! Is this Sara Lee?

>A gasp escaped from Tifa's lips

Jase: (Tifa) Oh noes! The iron's on!

>until she bit her mouth shut. Blood trickled down her chin

Dino: ...well there goes the Gene Simmons impersonation...

>as her hips shook with each thrust of the monster's obscene mouth
>probe.

Kat: 'Obscene Mouth Probe'? That's...oddly original

>Two more tentacles sprang out,

Jase: BEcause there's NEVER enough tentacles in a rape scene

>wriggling forward to wrap around Tifa's heaving tits.

All: HEAVE!!!

>The slimy tendrils caressed and fondled her ripe melons, coating them
>with clinging slime.

Dino: Well....there goes the resale value of those fruits.

>Tifa moaned with revulsion,

Kat: Is that anything like crying with pleasure?

>then gasped again when a thrust pierced particularly deep into her
>warming crotch.

Jase: I may have read that wrong, but it sounds like Tifa got her vagina peirced...

>"I know you enjoy this.

Dino: (Jenova) It says it right here in the script.

>I can feel your pussy growing wet," teased Jenova before she returned
>her tongue to Tifa's throbbing slit.

Jase: (Jenova) This thing's completely totalled! I want a money back refund!

>The monster lapped her tongue up and down Tifa's cunt,

Dino: Dejavu!
Kat: No...PJ's just running out of ideas
Jase: ...ideas?

>lavishing saliva until the pink flesh dripped with it.

Jase: What a drip.

>Jenova concentrated her licking to Tifa's clit, rubbing it again and
>again until Tifa moaned uncontrollably with arousal.

Kat: (Scottish) I canna control it much longer, cap'm! If she don't
moan 'fore long, the whole thing'll blow!

>Tifa struggled in her wrist and ankle bonds, fighting to escape
>Jenova's wanton attentions.

Dino: As usual, failing completly. Of course.
Others: *apathetic* Of course...

>Jenova moved her tongue to Tifa's crack, running her tongue between the
>naked girl's small firm buttocks.

ALL: ...
Kat: I swear I was kidding!
Guys: Good one! Great Effin Job Kat!

>The monster's tongue tickled Tifa's anus, then lapped it over and over,

Jase: Wow...Tifa's anus has no chance of winning this race if the tongue keeps lapping it

>saliva trickling into the tiny opening. Tifa groaned loudly,

Kat: (Tifa) The BAckstreet boys are on tour AGAIN?!

>her breasts flushed from Jenova's squeezing tendrils.
>"Please, stop," begged Tifa,

Dino: Yes PLEASE!
Others: Silence!
Jase: We've had to sit through two horrible beast scenes.
Kat: Yea! We deserve some tentacle action!

>honey escaping from her quivering pussy.

Jase: (Pooh) Ahh, my tummy is rumbly for honey

>"Your body wants more, little slut," Jenova chuckled,

Dino: She says no, but everyone always just hears yes...

>her tongue snapping out to slide slowly over Tifa's cunt, making the
>girl moan ecstatically.

Kat: (Tifa) 50% off on all DDD bras! Hoorah!

>"When I impregnate you with a fragment of my body, you will always know
>this kind of bliss.

Jase: ...Ok, so the sexless theory is out...

>"No, I won't be your slave."

Dino: Wait...is Jenova arguing with herself?
Jase: I guess having peices of yourself means you get MPD too

>"I think you will," retorted Jenova

Kat: (Jenova) Though, I also thought Bill Clinton was innocent, oh well.

>just before she thrust her tongue into Tifa's pussy,

Dino: Mew?

>filling her vagina until it ached from the strain.
>Tifa's breasts and crotch thrust out,

Jase: O_O
Dino: You ok?
Jase: O_O! FINE! I'M fInE!

>her body shaking from each violent shove of Jenova's tongue into her
>belly.

Jase: O_O!
Dino: ....uh oh
Kat: What!?
Jase: *singing* jiiiiiggglllyyyy puuufffff, jiiIIiiIIIiggglllyyy PuuuuFFFFfff
Dino: ...Jase's brain has left the building...too much hentai...

>Jenova held Tifa's outspread legs apart by her knees, the woman's
>nostrils contracted as she inhaled Tifa's sensual musk,

Jase: TUNA! TUNA!
Dino: *reaches over calmly and nails Jase with a crowbar*
Jase: x_x *tumbles out of seat*
Dino: He'll be fine, just give him a bit

>making her even more urgent with her tongue probing.

Kat: (Jenova) OH NO! I'm late! I'll never make it to the lemon now!
Jase: *snorts and sits up, rubbing his head* ...Overload?
Dino: Yup
Jase: *sits back in his seat*

>Tifa's juices spat out of her cunt

All: *PATOOIE!!!*

>to drip down her inner thighs, merging into a puddle just beneath her
>curvaceous ass.

Kat: You know...you figured at this point. Tifa would be dehydrated with all the flooding she's done in this fic

>Tifa cried out as she orgasmed, her labia throbbing with excitement.
>Jenova savored Tifa's pussy discharge, licking the girl's slit until it
>was dry.

Dino: Wait, wait...How is licking it going to make it dry?
Jase: Don't try...
Dino: ...He just doesn't make sense!

>"I hope Yuffie takes her time," said Jenova

Kat: (Jenova) Because The OFfice starts soon and I've been wanting to this episode for a long time

>as she used the two tentacles that had encircled Tifa's breasts to pull
>her into a sitting position.

Jase: (Jenova) Now sit up straight or you'll be raped again!

>Tifa watched in horror while Jenova's cum dripping tongue slithered
>towards her slack mouth.

Dino: That's really disturbing....

>
>***

Kat: *singing* When you wish upon a star ...
Jase: I've tried it three times...and this lemon is still going!

>
>Aeris rode Cloud's crotch,

Dino: Wow, and back to our previously scheduled OOC sex fest with Cloud and Aeris
Jase: (Aeris) RIDE EM COWBOY!....er girl!

>her small breasts bobbing with each thrust of her hips. Aeris threw
>back her head,

Kat: Unfortunately throwing her head back to hard and snapping her neck....again.

>her mouth open from panting as she fucked Cloud desperately once
>more.

Dino: Well...at least she knows it's desperate I guess

>Cloud gazed up at Aeris' naked body lovingly,

Jase: (Cloud) Duh-huh-huh, girl pretty ...

>he reached out with his hands, folding his fingers around the nude
>girl's tits.

Kat: So...he's origamying her tits? Owch...

>Aeris looked down at Cloud, smiled at him,

Dino: ....then stabbed him RIGHT IN THE FREAKIN EYE!
Kat: whoa...that was out of left field...

>then continued her forceful hip thrusts.

Jase: YEa...I hate it when my hips fall asleep too

>She felt Cloud's stiff cock slide deep into her womb, her vagina
>clenched and slippery with her lustful juices.

Kat: Goes without saying...slippery when wet....

>Aeris pressed her small, delicate hands against Cloud's bare chest,

Dino: (Aeris) Must...get...offf...
Jase: I'm sure she will...and in gallons too

>holding herself erect while her tiny ass humped back and forth.

Kat: (Aeris' but) Oh sure, I'll just do all the work!

>Cloud placed his right hand behind Aeris' head, then pulled her down so
>he could kiss her.

Jase: (Aeris) EWWWW!!! COOTIES!

>Their mouths locked together,

Dino: Locked and loaded...

>lips writhing sensuously while their tongues caressed and entwined.

Jase: (Dark HElmet) I hate when my schwartz gets tangled....

>Cloud inhaled Aeris' scent,

Kat: (Cloud) *gags* Take a bath or something!

>her spirit form still rich with the smell of flowers that he associated
>with her when she was alive.

Dino: Ahh...Ode de Flower Toilette...

>They parted lips, allowing Aeris to kiss Cloud's cheek, his forehead,

Jase: So is she saying goodbye now?
Dino: Hopefully this lemon says it soon

>then the left side of his neck. She nibbled playfully on his left ear,

Kat: Then took a bit out of his ear
Dino: Funny, I didn't know Mike Tyson had a white prodigy...

>making Cloud laugh joyfully.

Jase: (Cloud) Oh that Kramer cracks me up!

>Every minute coupled with Aeris was ecstasy for Cloud,

Dino: ...so the marijuana they smoked before this has NOTHING to do with it?

>he had never known such happiness, such a feeling of completeness.

Kat: (Cloud) OOC is fun!

>He took Aeris' beautiful, angelic face into his hands, then kissed her
>softly on the lips, savoring the fruity taste of her mouth.

Dino: Fruity as in fruit? Or fruity as in lesbian?
Jase: Would a lesbian taste like fruit? or Tuna?
Kat: ...guys...

>"I love you, Aeris," murmured Cloud after he parted from the girl.

Kat: (Aeris) I hope you di-...err I love you too

>"I love you, Cloud," replied Aeris, her eyes glimmering with tears.

Dino: YEs...I guess being OOC would bring me to tears too

>"I never want to leave you."
>"You must. Jenova is coming.

Jase: (Cloud) So? I am too...
Kat: ..yea and Jenova came like multiple times already..

>She wants the Mako energy stored here."

Dino: ...and the batch of hash brownies they made...

>"I'll kill her, I've done it before."
>"No. You must leave.

Jase: (Aeris) Seriously...I'm getting sick of you...

>There's a good reason. I know a way to return to the living."

Kat: (Aeris) Seriously, there's this book. The Necronomicon...good stuff

>"Really? You're certain."

Jase: ...maybe...
Dino: possibly...
Kat: Okay

>"Reasonably so," admitted Aeris while she continued to fuck Cloud's
>cock.

ALL: ....
Dino: So wait, there;s still boinking?
Kat: And having a fairly serious conversation in the process
Jase: I guess I was wrong, Cloud can multi-task...

>"I've constructed a soul materia.

Jase: ...Lust MAteria, Soul Materia...
Dino: (Pilot) Plot bombs ready to fire sir!

>You must take the orb and place it over the heart of a dying girl.

Kat: (Aeris) And the click your heels together three times....

>The essence that I've placed inside the materia will heal the body and
>transfer my soul into it."

Dino: ...You know...if it wasn't in such a complete OOC manner...that's not a bad idea
Jase: BEsides...Aeris forcing another soul out and not saving the life?
Kat: And that they're having sex while discussin this?
Dino: OK OK! I said if it wasn't completely OOC...geez

>"What about Jenova?" grunted Cloud,

Kat: Who cares about Jenova? What about Raven?

>his cock throbbing with approaching orgasm.
>"I'll leave a shade of myself here to fight her.

Dino: So obviously, Aeris believes Jenova needs sunlight to survive...what a thinker..

>Hopefully it will be able to kill her."

Kat: Yea...right. She was nothing but a load.
Dino: Well, she was a good healer and such
KAt: Whatever! A waste of time
Jase: Shaddap you two. The lemon's not going away any faster with you two fighting

>"It sounds risky,

Dino: ...and OOC...
Kat: .... and trite...
Jase: ...Though original...
Kat and Dino: Shaddap...

>but if it will bring you back to me, I'll do it."

Dino: What a shock...Cloud will sacrifice his morals for Aeris, and to get laid...

>"Thank you, beloved. Just make sure to get me a nice body."

Kat: Because Aeris was soooooo vain...

>"I'll do my best to find a girl as divine as you,

Jase: ....I hate to see a demon

>but it'll be hard," Cloud grinned

All: *groan*
Kat: Oh that was a laaaaame pun

>before he closed his eyes and groaned in climax.
>Aeris sighed,

Dino: (Aeris) Poor man ... has the stamina of a wet noodle ...

>her pussy relaxing as a river of honey poured from her womb,

Jase: ....I told you! Gallons!
Dino: ...and a river runs through it
Kat: ...dehydration must not be that fatal in this fic

>making a sticky pool around Cloud's shivering cock.

Dino: (Aeris) Cold?
Kat: (Cloud) Nope, why?
Dino: (Aeris) well....the shrinkage and all....

>Cloud kissed Aeris one more time,

Jase: ...and then killed himself?!

>slowly, tenderly, then rose into an upright position

All: AGAIN?!?
Kat: We get it PJ! Enough! Please, stop!

>before descending to the stone landing below. He left the shaft of Mako
>energy, retrieving his discarded clothes and blade, Ultima Weapon.

Jase: (Aeris) well...there goes my dildo
Kat: ow...

>Aeris floated down to where Cloud stood

Dino: (Aeris, stoned) Woah ... this is some heavy Mako, man ...

>and reached out to the edge of the Mako beam to give her love her soul
>materia. Cloud accepted the small white orb carefully,

Jase: (Cloud) I'd like to thank the Academy ...

>then placed it inside a padded belt pouch.

Kat: And then accidentally crushed it to peices.

>Aeris smiled affectionately at Cloud, who reached out with his right
>hand to touch Aeris' ghostly palm.

Dino: I'm getting "Cable Guy" flashbacks for some reason ...

>Absorbing Aeris' beautiful image into his mind,

Kat: (Borg) We are Cloud. You will be trapped inside an evil lemon.
Characterization is futile.

>Cloud reluctantly turned and marched out of the large Hall. Aeris
>watched Cloud depart,

Jase: (Aeris) MAn..his as has gotten HUGE

>then she inhaled deeply, preparing for the conflict about to occur.

Dino: So she gets Pay-per-view there? I heard the WWE title was on the line tonight...

>
>***

Kat: I hope that's not his rank. If it is...we're screwed...

>
>"My search is complete.

Jase: HOORAH! Aeris found. The End. Can we go now!?

>Barret is trapped in a giant spider's web not far from here.

Dino: (Yuffie) There was a naked fairy there, too, but that's not
important right now.

>I decided to let the spider have him for lunch," giggled Yuffie.
>"The Mako fountain?"

Jase: (Yuffie) Geez always with the Mako, can't we just ever talk?!

>"In the Hall, just as you guessed, Mistress."
>"Excellent.

Dino: ... Snively.

>Guard Tifa, I must enter the Hall alone."

Kat: (Jenova)....for...reason unbeknownst to me

>"Yes, Mistress."

Jase: You think PJ has a bondage fetish?
Dino: The question is...is there a fetish PJ doesn't have

>Jenova glanced briefly at Tifa's exhausted, prone form,

Kat: (Jenova) A little cosmetic surgery will fix that right up...

>then walked gracefully out of the house. Yuffie knelt in a corner of
>the room, holding Conformer at the ready if Tifa tried anything.

Dino: (Dirty Harry) Ya gotta ask yourself just one question ... how bad
do ya want out of this lemon? Well? How bad do ya, punk?
Jase: ...I'd be willing to die to get out..

>Jenova made quick progress to the Hall of the Ancients

Kat: She must have broadband..

>and entered the large domed building without hesitation. She could feel
>the Mako in the air,

Dino: *singing* MAko's in the air....everytime I turn around..

>it fairly crackled with eldritch power.

Kat: Somewhere, some author is weeping now...

>Jenova breathed in deeply, growing drunk on the vaporous Mako until her
>head became dizzy.

Dino: Y'know, inhaling Mako is the third leading cause of drug-related
deaths in Midgar ...
Jase: Right next to lemon scenes

>She walked regally into the Hall, raising her head to stare in awe at
>the floor to ceiling shaft of Mako energy.

Kat: (Jenova) Hellooooo, nurse!

>Jenova's face broke into an avaricious smile, then began laughing so
>loudly that it practically shook the walls and ceiling.

Dino: Does she take that happy gas with her everywhere?!
Kat: I'd say so

>Her laughter was victorious, smug, gloating.
>Her laughter seemed to go on without end

Jase: Like this fic
Dino: (PJ) PRecis-...hey!

>until she spied a female form floating within the Mako fountain.

Kat: (Aeris) Don't mind me...trying to find my penny...

>Jenova's smile faded, and was replaced with an angry glower.
>"Who dares partake of my Mako fountain?" screamed Jenova

DIno: (Jenova) No fair! I called first dibs!

>as she marched furiously forward.
>"Mako belongs to all living things, not to greedy monsters like you."

Jase: Paradox warning!
Kat: Huh?
Jase: If Jenova is living then technically it does belong to her...

>"Ugly bitch!

Dino: BEcause JEnova has SOO much room to talk

>I shall destroy you for your impudence!" spat Jenova before her lovely
>female body exploded

ALL: !!!!
Dino: The END?
Kat: Dear god! PLEASE!

>into a mass of writhing tentacles and purple/gray flesh.

ALL: DAMNIT!
Jase: Look she's assuming Lemon scene form

>Aeris extended her right hand, invoking Fire 3. Huge fireballs fell
>from the ceiling,

All: It's KANE!

>immolating Jenova.

Jase: Looks like Aeris just won the Inferno match ...

>The monster screamed in agony, her flesh melting in thick globs.

Kat: (Jenova) I'm meeeltiiiing ... what a world, what a world ...

>She raised a tentacle, then cast Ice 3. A cloud of freezing mist
>surrounded Aeris, inflicting great pain on the girl's spirit form.

Dino: ...I'm so lost about this spirit form crap

>Aeris cast Mbarrier on herself, then cast Bolt 3 before Jenova could
>react.

Kat: Obviously..she used Haste too

>Four jagged lightning bolts crackled around Jenova, severing several of
>her trembling limbs.

Jase: Final Fantasy 7 2 ... ELECTRIC BOOGALOO!

>Jenova bellowed with pain,

Dino: (Jenova) Gad, you uncouth ruffian ...

>but managed to cast Debarrier,

Kat: Wow...I don't remember JEnova havin ANY of these spells..

>shattering Aeris' Mbarrier. Aeris recoiled from the broken magic, then
>screamed when Jenova cast Tornado upon her.

Dino: (Aeris) NOOOO! Bill PAxter! Helen Hunt!
Kat: Twister, Dino..
Dino: ohh..same freakin thing!

>A whirling cone of air engulfed Aeris, slicing much of her spirit form
>to tatters.

Jase: It slices! It dices! It make thousands of horrid fanfics!
Kat: IT'S PJ!

>Barely able to maintain her form, Aeris summoned all of the Mako she
>could absorb. As Jenova watched in growing horror,

Dino: (Jenova) Oh poopie!

>Aeris cast the most powerful spell she could, Ultima.

Kat: Didn't you get Ultima AFTER Aeris died?
Jase: You honestly think PJ cares at this point?

>The Hall began to rumble,

Dino: (Michael Buffer) LLLLLLLLEEEETTT'SSSS GET READY TO ...
Jase: (DX) SUCK IIIIIIIIIIIIITTTT!!!

>then everything began to shake as the terrible magic Aeris invoked drew
>closer.

ALL: *singing* Whole lotta shakin' goin' on ...

>Jenova screamed with hate,

Dino: (Jenova) I don't like you! You're not invited to my birthday party!
Kat: (same) SEE IF YOU GET A CHRISTMAS CARD!

>cursing the composed Aeris who waited calmly for destruction to come
>for her.

ALL: YES!
Dino: Now all we need is Ultima to destroy Cloud, Tifa, Yuffie...BArret and everything will be right again

>A huge wave of energy tore into the Hall,

Jase: MAn...looks like Guyver is entering the HAll

>disintegrating everything in its path. Jenova roared futilely, waving
>her remaining tentacles

ALL: *does the wave*

>until the Ultima wave engulfed her, consuming her body until not even
>ash remained.

All: WHOO-HOO!!! UL-TI-MA, UL-TI-MA, UL-TI-MA ...

>An enormous ball of Mako energy erupted into the air, shattering the
>Hall to dust and sealing the fountain shut forever.

Dino: Both the evil rapists are dead! Let us rejoice!
Jase: ICE CREAM!
Kat: WHAT THE HELL!?
>
>***

Jase: Oooo ... pretty stars ...

>
>Yuffie gasped loudly, then fell limply to the floor.

Kat: (Yuffie) Damn these sudden heart attacks ...

>The fragment of Jenova that nestled within her neck oozed out and died.
>Tifa moaned, slowly rising to regard her unconscious captor.

Dino: (Tifa) Alright, I'm free of the tentacle chains...not to exit the lemon!

>She stole some of Yuffie's spare clothes,

Dino: Yea...right
Kat: Those would so fit...
Jase: Well...I got nothing for that

>a tight T-shirt that barely covered the tops of her breasts, and a pair
>of green shorts that hugged every curve of her hips

Jase: Must ... resist ... description ... must ... riff ... lemon ...
Dino: You sounded oddly like Shatner..
Jase: Get.....bent....

>and bit painfully into the crack of her ass.

Kat: (Tifa) Ouch! Wedgie!

>Tifa relieved Yuffie of one of her knives, then left the house to see
>what the loud noise was.

Dino: A small nuclear explosion, what else?
Jase: The end of the fic I was hoping..

>She blinked from the bright sunlight, then gasped when she spotted
>Cloud gazing at something within the City of the Ancients.

Kat: (Cloud, sadly) My real personality was in there ...

>Tifa ran to Cloud,

Guys: *singing* Run to the hills ...

>heedless of the sharp stones that bit into her bare feet.

Jase: Obviously the stones are carnivorous...
Kat: Obviously..

>"Cloud! You're alive!" shouted Tifa before she crashed into him,

All: *WHAM!*
Dino: Promptly toppling them both off a cliff. The end.

>wrapping her arms around his neck.
>Cloud remained silent,

Jase: Sadly his real personality died in the explosion along with his vocal chords...

>disentangling himself from Tifa's embrace, then backing away to a more
>neutral distance.

Kat: (Cloud) Ewww, breasts!

>"Cloud! What's wrong?"

Dino: (Cloud) I'm gay. Haven't you figured that out yet?

>"You shouldn't have come after me, Tifa.

Jase: Would've saved us a LOT of torture...

>I told you that I was looking for Aeris."
>"Did you find her?"
>"Yes.

Dino: (Cloud) She was in the last place I looked, oddly enough ...

>She's with me now."
>"Where?"
>"I can't explain. I have to leave."

Kat: (Cloud) The voices in my head don't like you ...

>"Let me come with you."
>"No, I want to be alone with Aeris."

Dino: (Cloud) Let me be a spiky-headed asshole, dammit!

>"Cloud! I love you, ya dummy!"
>"I don't love you, Tifa.

All: BOOOO!!!

>We're not playmates in Nibelheim anymore. I've found my true love, and
>it's not you."

All: ...
Kat: OK, what the hell happened to CLOUD?!?
Dino: Way to let her down gently there, buddy ...

>"Cloud, don't say that!" sobbed Tifa, her eyes brimming with tears.

Jase: Y'know ... I'm beginning to really hate this version of Cloud ...
Kat: I've always hated Cloud outside the video game..

>"Good bye, Tifa. Don't follow me anymore," said Cloud before he turned
>his back on Tifa and walked into the thick trees surrounding the city.

KAt: *growls* So thus far, Tifa's been raped four times, gone through a
plane crash, been beaten, battered, and bruised, and now the asshole
she's gone through all this for tosses her away like a bargefull of
medical waste ... DAMN YOU PJ!!! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!
Jase: Whoa-whoa...calm down Kat. Blood pressure...! It'll be alright
Kat: NOTHING'S ALRIGHT!!! CLOUD'S A STUPID ASSHOLE, AERIS IS A HEARTLESS
SLUT AND TIFA GETS LEFT OUT IN THE COLD!!!! ARRRRRGHHHHH!!!
Dino: Kat calm down before you have a hea-
Kat: *suddenly gasps and falls over clutching her chest*
Dino: ...I'll get the machine *stands and walks off*

>Tifa stared after Cloud, her tears dripping down her soiled cheeks. She
>sniffled loudly, then wiped her eyes with the back of her right hand.

Jase: Well...that was a waste, eh Tifa?
Dino: *returns wheeling a machine and paddles, rubs paddles together* Clear! *shocks KAt*
Kat: *jerks back to life* ....wha happened?
Dino: You had a heart attack


>"Tifa!" exclaimed Nanaki from the flyer he rode within.

Jase: Oh yea, this is going to make things better...
Kat: *sits again* Damn you PJ
Dino: *pushes the machine off screen and sits*

>Tifa looked up at the red cat crouched in the tiny flyer's cockpit with
>Hikaru, then laughed painfully,

Dino: (Tifa) Hahahahaowhahahahowhahahaow ...

>her grief forgotten for now. Hikaru waved the flyer's wings up and down
>and began a long descent to pick up the lone girl.

Kat: And another horrible rendition of a great video game...

>
>***
>
>"Help!" yelled Barret from the large spider web that held him trapped.

All: WHAT THE HELL!?!
Dino: Aeris is found, Cloud's an ass. WHY IS THE FIC STILL GOING?!
Kat: ...Pj hates us...

>A giant black spider slowly descended towards him, its mandibles
>dripping with poison and drool.

JAse: They always have to drool huh?

>Barret tried to move his gun arm, but the appendage was stuck fast.

ALL: ....
Kat: I swear to god, if he does a beastality scene with BArret and A FREAKIN SPIDER...!
Dino: Calm down KAt!
Jase: Geez..

>Barret watched the spider's inexorable approach, cursing under his
>breath that he had ever left Marlene to chase after that idiot Cloud.

Dino: That makes two of us...
Kat: HE's actually in character...

>Barret grimaced as the spider landed on his upraised arm,

Jase: (Spider) Hello, good sir! How are you enjoying my web site?
Dino: ...bad pun Jase

>then stared when a large shuriken flashed out and cut the spider in
>two.

Dino: (British) He's split Robin's arrow in twain!

>Spider guts and ichor splashed on Barret's face, making him sputter and
>cough to clear the goo from his mouth.

Kat: (Barret) %$*#! Tastes like Bondage Fairies!

>Yuffie recovered her Conformer, then rubbed the back of her neck
>gently.

Jase: (Yuffie) Gotta see a chiropracter about this ...

>"Bout time someone showed up! Cut me out of here!"
>"Don't be so impatient," Yuffie grinned. "What do I get?"

Dino: And Yuffie's back to being a cunt...
Jase: I think I miss the bondage zombie...

>"Don't play with me, you little tramp! I've had a really bad day! Get
>me out!"

Kat: (Barrett) You always holdin' the black man down, foo!

>"I'm sure we can negotiate some kind of exchange. You scratch me, I
>scratch you," giggled Yuffie while she stalked towards a cringing
>Barret.

Jase: Aw hell why not? Get some inter-racial in the lemon too

>
>====

Dino: Another line this lemon has crossed...

>
>EPILOGUE

Kat: IT's almost over?!

>Cloud knelt at the side of the coughing girl,

Jase: (Cloud) Aeris? Aeris who?

>wiping the sweat from her deathly pale brow. The girl's mother was
>gone, scrounging for food and something to sell in the garbage piles
>that were once the homes and shops of Midgar.

Kat: Eh...it's a living...

>The girl's eyes fluttered, the whites showing as her breathing grew
>weaker and weaker.

Dino: ...so did she and Cloud...?
Kat: wouldn't suprise me

>Cloud stroked the girl's shoulder length brown hair, then he slowly
>withdrew the soul materia from his belt pouch.

Jase: (Cloud) I'm just going to take your body for my own selfish needs, because I'm that OOC. That cool?

>The small orb nestled in Cloud's palm brightened as he moved it closer
>to the dying girl's body.

Kat: Hey, it's a Magic 8-Ball! I love those things!

>He gently placed the materia between the young girl's budding breasts,
>then backed away from her.

Dino: (Cloud) SHE'S GONNA BLOW!!!!
Jase: Much like the plot....

>The materia flared with eye-searing white light, surrounding the bed-
>ridden girl's limp body. She gasped faintly, then closed her eyes.

Kat: Her last words were, "Cloud Strife's a deusche"
Guys: Agreed

>Healing Mako energy poured into the girl's flesh, restoring its
>youthful sheen and vitality.

Dino: Moisturizing Cream of the Gods!

>The materia disappeared with a flash, consumed from its use.

Jase: (Materia) Eh, I'm outta here. Go have your stupid plot devices
somewhere else ...
Kat: Another one who gets out early...

>Cloud reached out to take the girl's limp right hand, stroking the warm
>skin lovingly.

Jase: (Cloud) I killed an innocent child for you, Aeris. Aren't you happy
with me?

>The girl's eyes slowly opened--Aeris' eyes. She turned to stare at
>Cloud, her expression filled with love.

Kat: ... as she turned the pistol to center directly between Cloud's
eyes, and pulled the trigger, sending high-speed lead into the spiky-headed bastard's brain ...

>"Aeris?" asked Cloud tentatively.

Jase: (Girl) Is that the HO you been cheatin' on me with?!
Dino: ...I didn't know she was black...

>"Yes, beloved. I'm back," smiled Aeris, her happiness filling the
>dreary room with the warmth of a newborn star.

ALL: .....

>
>THE END

ALL: YAY! *cheering*
(All exit)

(.69 ... 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 ... 7)

(SoD. Dino and Jase are debating the fic, like usual. Kat is around the bar area, drinking heavily from a container of what looks like Orange Juice. The camera zooms in and Jase and Dino's arguement becomes louder.)
Dino: Like I say, it's all Cloud's fault that the girl died at the end.
Jase: No way..it was Aeris' totally. She made the materia, so she had the idea in the first place!

(Kat stumbles towards them and plops down on the couch)
Kat: It's all PJ's fault. That bastard!
Dino: Still hung up about the Cloud/Tifa thing, eh?
Kat: *throws the cup at them* What an asshole! She gets raped multiple times..!
Jase: ..Twice..
Dino: YEa, the first bits she did for free...
Kat: Shaddap! She goes through all this crap for Cloud and he dumps her. What a cock!
Dino: Yea well...at least he wasn't taking the cock in this fic, like usual FF fics...
Jase: True...

(MADs light flashes)

Jase:*pushes it* So we survived! Horrah!
Dino: *apathetic* yay...

(DoD. Dr. Demento leans back in his chair eyeing them over crossed fingers.)
Dr. D: So my little kiddies, you liked that? How about you Kat? Still interested in the job?

(SoD)
Kat: Hell no! I signed up because I thought I was getting a free hamburger! What the hell you twisted freak?!
Dino: ..Wow...that's one of the most original ways he's gotten somebody
Jase: ...He got me because I thought I was getting a free tentacle sex subscription...

(DoD)
Dr D: *cackling* Well, too bad! You're hired Kat! Conratulations are in order! And I've just the thing! More fics!

(SoD)
ALL: *groans*
Dino: Weee...
Jase: I think I just heard my soul wimper...
Kat: ...

(DoD)
Dr D: Until next time kiddies!
Luna: Now sir?
Dr D: Yes!
Luna: *pushes the button*

(FWOOOOOSH)