Final Fantasy VII - Why do we

Title: Cloud’s Reflection on loss

Author: J’dee

Genre: Emo angsting

Series: Final Fantasy VII (no spoilers honest)

Rating: General (also no beta forgive me)

AN: I owe a fic up somewhere I haven’t posted on in sooooo long… this is more a one shot reflection from one friend to another, why because while playing Crisis Core I was reminded of that same hurt when I lost a friend so close to my heart (only three months older than myself) I promised her father mentally I would live long enough for the both of us. And now that I’m about to go on to the next stage of my life leaving my friends and my family behind me I realised I was Cloud emo angsting and ended up writing this.

Why do we…

Take people in to the heart?

It’s the biggest form of love and trust one could have, yet for so long I seemed to avoid accepting people in to the heart because of the pain of their unintended depart, it always hurt the most more than any battle injury I ever received.

Yet I’m reminded that life isn’t forever when they go that’s what hurts the most. The pain is too great for my mind, as if to cause my emotional state deep in perpetual suffering, nothing ever helps me forget that pain.

But they say isn’t it better to remember them as they were in life than as they appeared in death. The lost of a friend a mentor someone so close to your heart that they were a part of you, like family, the other half of yourself, your soul; that pain is what rips away your will need or want to ever trust or love anyone ever again. Love me once it’s bound to come again love me twice introduces more strain.

I spent so long shutting myself off from the world then that one person comes in and messes it up completely throwing me off my balance and I learnt to accept more and more people in to my life, then suddenly as they came in to my life and hit it off with me, they were yanked away.

What does one do shut themselves off again, it’s like a mental form of rape, and you loose yourself to the completely emotional state of breakdown so weak you can’t move you lie in bed for weeks not moving not eating and letting yourself die more and more inside, the recovery of loss is a great price to pay for the body that you mentally and physically taught to be strong to prove you could make it to the world.

The mental rape of loss can be the worst kind of rape there is at first it feels like guilt then betrayal, then the hurts rips at your insides and you can’t cry anymore you can’t scream and that one person was the one you went to when it hurt this bad is lying there not moving their form so cold, you wish the rain would wash away the pain but all it does is induce the inner agony so much more.

Friends that remain try so hard they hold you they hug you reassure you and you mentally wish the humanity of individuality didn’t exist they are not that one you lost, they are not that person and you wish for that fleeting moment you wish everyone was the same so you would not loose that familiarity of the one you lost, it would ease the pain so much more but as fast as it comes it goes that thought that wish nothing more than that your own jagged thoughts frantic to curse the pain you’ve been endured.

No matter how much time passes it does not ease that ache of loss. All you can do is live and curse your very life. Life is short and the emotional pain of it makes you wish that every single hurtful moment was gone it’s not as easy to do as a rope round the neck or a knife to the throat as some people think, especially when you promised to live long and adventurous, to smoke that occasional cigarette to drown your self in to a liquor induced stupor, to jump from a plane or climb that cliff face life no matter which way you look at it is forever to short and you will never achieve all the goals you wished for…

The question is why do we still try to milk each day for what it’s worth, and why do we cry when we want to be strong, why do we yearn for a life to be extended when no matter which way we look at it’s going to be short, why do we yearn for a love that will never be returned, why do wish to open our hearts when it’s just going to get hurt, why do we look to the lonely sky, why do we wish for better things in our lives?

All the time I wonder if they’re alive somewhere, possibly living it up wherever else just going on with their life without me, yet missing me as much as I miss them. While I’m surrounded by people who care and love me yet it’s always that one person I will always miss more than life itself waiting for me, standing at the gate with wings so inviting.

Yet I’m listening to your words and doing my best to live for us both, the when I’m suffering like days like this by myself I wish I was feeling the invisible blanket of your comforting embrace. Teaching me of a brand new warmth.

While you are free floating in the life stream I still remain so awkward. Yet I feel you want to see me smile one last time.

Standing over the mark of your grave I managed that smile and bid my farewell and hope that one day we shall meet again on the gates of the world above…