Paper Tiger Folding
Paper Tiger Folding
Walking to a Total-Mart at two in the morning did cause a few stares, especially since he didn’t bother to conceal his identity. His part in taking down the Shin-Ra hierarchy had already circled the globe on various news circuits. Consequently, he had twice the notoriety as before.
Sephiroth couldn’t deny it gave him a thrill to march through a street full of night life and interact with the wildlife. Most people thought he wore a costume for a party. He got all kinds of compliments. Some people wanted to touch the Masamune, and he threatened them coldly, which only got him more compliments for “realism”. It tempted him to be utterly realistic and set the town on fire, but he did need that breast pump.
Total-Mart smelled of pine cleaner. He sneezed violently a few times before getting his sinuses under control. He hated artificial cleansers. He could taste them when he smelled them. If he’d had to work with that odor around him, he’d definitely start killing people. Breathing almost exclusively through his mouth, he read the overhead signs and pivoted toward maternity.
Even if they thought him in costume, people still parted from his path. But, he picked up three little boys as he walked by an arcade. They trailed after him like iron filings to magnets. Feeling mischievous, Sephiroth stopped suddenly. He listened to them gasp and pile up on each other to avoid running into him. He turned, giving them his coldest stare. “Is there something you want?” he asked.
“No!” The one at the bottom of the pile, who must have once been the leader, managed to gasp out.
“I wanted to look at your sword,” the smallest said. His companion slapped a hand over his mouth.
“Sorry, we just like your costume,” the slapper said.
“I’m telling you, that’s not a dude in a costume!” The bottom boy wheezed. “Get off me, Beloc!” He shoved, pushing the other two left and right. “That’s really him!”
“Get outta town,” the youngest replied. “He’s dead. He offed it a long time ago.”
“He’s still an adult and we shouldn’t bother him,” the middle child said.
Sephiroth couldn’t resist. They were standing near the sporting goods section. “What will you give him,” he said, pointing at the only one who believed he was who he looked like, “if I prove him right?”
“Shit,” the youngest said. “I’ll give him my tokens.”
“So will I,” the middle child piped in. “So, how’re you gonna prove it?”
Sephiroth sliced the security camera overhead and put the Masamune away before they stopped looking at the sparks. He walked to the left and up onto a platform made to display a weight bench. The platform dispersed the weight of the barbell so that it didn’t push through the tile floor. As the attentive boys watched, he picked up the weight by wrapping his first finger around the middle of the bar. He stepped over to the ledge of the dais and dropped it. It crashed through the floor. Sephiroth heard the squeal of tires as it landed in the parking garage below them.
While his audience gaped, Sephiroth ambled over to the helpline phone on the wall and lifted the handset, pushing in the intercom button. “Cleanup in sporting goods,” he said. As he walked unhurriedly away, he heard the sounds of coins dropping into a particular boy’s hands.
Thankfully, the maternity section sat as far away from the scene of the crime as possible. Sephiroth wandered in and examined the wares. There were three different models of pump available. The most expensive one looked the most useful, naturally. He picked it up and got a few acrylic bottles with liners and disposable nipples. As he turned the end of the isle, he saw the boys again, lurking behind a cut-out of some celebrity and desperately trying not to be seen by anyone.
Amused now, Sephiroth put his items on the checkout counter and waited to be noticed by the matronly looking woman stocking diapers only a few feet away. The boys crept closer, arguing in stage whispers about whether or not he’d seen them. He turned to look dead at them, then beckoned with the crook of his finger. “What now?” he asked. He heard shouting coming from the far away sporting goods section.
“Why are you in here?” the mouthy, youngest one asked, looking almost angry.
Sephiroth held up the breast pump.
“Ew, gross!” the oldest exclaimed. “My mom has one of those.”
“Not very manly,” the middle one agreed.
“Is that so?” Sephiroth restrained a smile. “You wouldn’t go buy tampons and bras either, I suppose?”
“Hell no.” The youngest gave him a look that clearly said he thought Sephiroth was crazy.
“So, it wouldn’t mean anything to you at all that it told the world you had a woman at home?” he asked. “And, like in my case, managed to get her pregnant?”
The oldest looked at him with his mouth open. “I never thought of that,” he said.
The clerk, who had wandered to her station in time to hear most of the conversation, glared at all of them disapprovingly. “Are these your children, sir?” she asked. “They’re really not allowed in this section unsupervised.”
“That’s inappropriate, considering their mothers were shopping in here for them less than a decade ago,” Sephiroth countered. “And, one would think you’d encourage them to know about this section. The more they understand what unprotected sex brings, the better.”
“It isn’t our responsibility to teach sex education,” she replied, sniffing disdainfully. “That’ll be seventy gil.”
Sephiroth paid her. “Fine. Remember that when one of them has sex with your granddaughter.” He winked at the oldest boy and stalked out of the department.
Sephiroth stopped in the women’s clothing and looked at a few dresses. By now the chaos in the sporting goods department was spilling out into the rest of the store. A manager walked by him, muttering about security footage. The boys were now hiding behind a bra rack.
Really amused now, he picked out three dresses for Aerith in earth tones, all of the same cut and soft material. The oldest boy stuck his head out from behind the rack. “Pssst!”
Sephiroth glanced at him. “Afraid to be seen in the girly section?”
“No.” He clearly was, however. “Come here a minute!”
Sephiroth obliged him, trying not to laugh. “Yes?” He stooped down so the boy didn’t have to shout.
“If your woman needs one of those,” he said, pointing the bag with the breast pump in it, “she needs one of these!” He held up a bra. “Mom got one. It’s so when they leak they don’t ruin their clothes!”
“Aw shit, Ryan!” The middle one groaned. “That’s nasty!”
“It certainly isn’t,” Sephiroth said, taking the odd looking, padded bra. “You all drank it, and happily I might add.” He threw the bra over his arm. “Thanks.”
“Sure.” The boy looked embarrassed again. “You really Sephiroth?”
“Yes.”
“Why aren’t you dead?”
“My mad scientist of a father brought me back to life,” he answered. “If you watched the news, like your parents, you’d have seen me on television.”
“Wow.” The littlest boy shook his head. “You got a video game, did you know?”
“No, I wasn’t aware.” Sephiroth found this quite amusing. “Do you play it?”
“Yeah, but you whip our asses,” The oldest said. “It’s a simulation. You pay ten tokens and get to fight.”
“Is that what you’re going to use your tokens for?” Sephiroth really felt glad he’d met these boys. They’d restored his faith in being a magnet for odd happenings.
“Probably.” They all grinned at him.
“Is this a popular game?”
“It’s really popular.” The middle child remembered he could speak. He’d been staring at the hilt of the Masamune for several minutes. “No one’s ever beaten it. It’s the same program used at SOLDIER, only made weaker for the public.”
“What’s it called?”
“Sephir-Wrath.” The oldest grinned.
Despite the insult of being reduced to such a thing, Sephiroth had to admit it was almost clever. He gave a short, genuine laugh. “And these are all over the nation?”
“Dude, they’re all over the world!” The youngest gave him a look of sheer incredulity.
“Excellent.” Sephiroth handed them each a fifty gil note. “The next time I see you, maybe you’ll have learned how to kick my ass?”
“That’s too cool,” the smallest said.
Sephiroth paid for these last items and left before his fan club could follow him home.