But I Still Can't Hate You

.: Come what will and come what may, :.
.: I'll stand beside you to fight this day :.


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Kain had no idea why he continued to torture himself. Then again, maybe he did. It was only a matter of admitting it.

Everything in Baron had changed, and some of the changes were for the better. After Cecil's triumphant return a great weight had lifted off of the kingdom. The people still bore a certain amount of shame for Baron's part in the war, but ties with Mysidia had been reestablished now and matters were progressing smoother than anyone had hoped for. The fact that King Odin had been murdered and replaced was now common knowledge, and the Mysidians seemed keen to leave the whole matter behind them - it was only too obvious how much Baron as a whole regretted stealing the crystal. Cecil and Rosa had both been very busy of late, working hard to rebuild their home.

Kain stayed with them. There was still enough of his honor left for him to want to help any way he could.

He stayed, but he could not bear to be near his friends.

Mostly he filled his days with tasks he knew would take him out of the castle. He forced himself to smile and be optimistic when he was around Cecil and Rosa, but it was only to ease their minds. Being near them at all after what he had done was almost too much for Kain to stand. There was no forgiving his actions, no matter what they said.

He remembered everything in clear, painful detail. Every slash his spear had dealt Cecil in Fabul, every drop of innocent blood he had spilt in Golbez' name. Every indignity he had swallowed in his prolonged service.

And every second of pain he had caused Rosa. He thought that the image of her face, bruised and tear streaked, would be burned into his memory forever. As far as Kain knew, Rosa had never mentioned the events in the Tower of Zot to anyone else. She had never broached the subject with Kain and her behavior did not indicate that she held it against him. But he knew how much pain he had caused her.

Standing on the roof of the west tower in the castle, listening to the wind through the trees and gazing out across his homeland, and thinking back on everything he had done, there was nothing he wanted more than to fall down to his death. He ground his teeth together violently, closing his eyes in a vain attempt to stop the memories.

Pressing himself against her… feeling her shallow breath on his shoulder as he buried his face in her hair… the scent of blood…

Rosa's blood. Blood that would never wash off even if he scrubbed away his skin.

He remembered the first agonizing moment of returning to himself, feeling the weight of Golbez' power lifted from his mind. The wave of agony that had washed over him, pushing everything else in his mind out and leaving only pain. Excruciating, all-consuming pain. Waking up and realizing that he had forced Rosa, brutally attacked her in such a way, had almost killed him. He had collapsed forward, hardly feeling the pain of his fall, praying that a bolt from heaven would come and deal out the punishment he so rightly deserved.

Inexcusable. Unforgivable.

Monster.

He was a monster for doing this to her.

It was a moment of infinite, crippling pain. It did not end; it merely faded into the back of his head and settled in - never leaving him completely but allowing him to function. When Cecil had forgiven him, assured him that none of it had been his fault, he had wanted so much to blurt out the truth to his best friend, his brother. The full story of what he had done would surely drive Cecil to slay him where he stood, and Kain could think of no better punishment. He had been on the brink of telling him everything, when Cecil had asked where Rosa was.

Golbez' plan to kill her rushed back to him then, and it was all Kain could do to lead Cecil to her in time to save her. During their reunion he had held back, not even daring to look at the woman he loved, knowing that he wasn't fit to even be near them. Briefly he wanted to slip away and go to someplace else: somewhere they wouldn't have to endure him anymore. But Rosa had seen him and called out to him, and no matter how ashamed he felt Kain could not turn his back on her - not when he heard such desperation in her voice. Reluctantly he had turned to face her, allowing some of his remorse and agony to show through. He knew that she had seen it, but the understanding in her face did nothing to ease it. If anything it only twisted the dagger into his heart further.

Only because Rosa asked it of him did he stay, though it was beyond him to understand why she would want him nearby. He had no hope of ever earning her forgiveness, how could he after what he had done? But he was determined never to hurt her again, or to let anything else hurt her. If he had to cut his way through every monster in Golbez' army he would make sure that Rosa was safe.

That had been the only thing that stopped him from ending his own life the second time he was broken to Golbez' will. Now, after the war was over and Baron on its way to a full recovery, he no longer had that comfort. The battle was won, and there was nothing left to fight. How much simpler it would have been if he could have fallen in the final battle.

Bitterness filled his mouth like sour wine, and he could not stop a shiver of self loathing.

The sun was setting now, he realized. The sky to the west was beginning to turn pink and gold, a prelude to the reds and purples cast by the fading light. Kain's eyelids closed halfway as he thought about what he should do now. All he really wanted was to go away somewhere, to be alone with his guilt and his misery. But there was one thing he still had left to do. Cecil's coronation would be soon, within the week, and his marriage to Rosa would follow soon after. As much as he hated the thought of Rosa belonging to anyone else, Kain knew that it was the right thing for her. She would never be happy with anyone but Cecil.

With mixed frustration and apprehension, Kain wondered what Cecil would think on their wedding night. Would he blame Rosa? Would he be angry? Would he think that she had betrayed him? Shame welled up within Kain whenever he contemplated the full extent of what he had done. He knew that Cecil loved Rosa, but he also knew how painful it could be to feel betrayed. He hoped fervently that Cecil's love for Rosa would be enough to work past the barrier Kain had created for them, because he knew that Rosa couldn't live without Cecil. As much as he wanted her for himself, even after all that he had done to her, Kain wanted Rosa to be happy.

It was a dilemma. He wasn't sure that he had the courage to tell Cecil himself, but leaving the pain of an explanation to Rosa after all he had put her through already was almost more than he could stand.

Eventually, Kain settled down on the edge of the roof. He let one leg hang limply over the edge and tilted the other up to support his arm. The sun was almost completely gone now: in his peripheral vision he could see the first stars winking to life, and the wind had developed a cold bite. He welcomed the physical discomfort - it sharpened his senses and his mind as he wrestled with his thoughts. Eventually the sun was gone completely. The moons were not visible tonight; the planet had come between them and the sun. It was the dark phase of their orbit. He sighed, realizing that he would have been missed at dinner. He hoped that no one was worried, but he couldn't quite bring himself to leave the comparative peace of the rooftops. From far below he could hear the chirrups of hidden insects and the gentle swish of leaves brushing against one another. It was a peaceful, thoughtful sound and it calmed him the way almost nothing else could.

"Kain?"

Ah, Rosa. He thought sadly, recognizing the soft - almost inaudible - sound of her voice. She was below him on the balcony, he knew, probably addressing his dangling foot. He couldn't refrain from answering her. There was nothing that he could refuse her.

"I'm here," he called back softly, and heard the gentle tap of her footsteps as she moved to stand directly below him.

"May I join you?" She asked, her voice low and musical to his ears. Her perfection never ceased to amaze him.

"Of course," he said, sliding down smoothly to stand before her and landing with a metallic tap on the balcony. The light from the hall illuminated her from behind, shining across her hair and along her skin, very faintly reflected in her expressive, clear eyes. Her hands were clasped in front of her near her waist, her weight balanced evenly across her feet, her posture relaxed but elegant. Kain felt his heart lurch painfully, aching with love for her and burning with disgust for himself. "Shall I help you up?" He extended his hand to her, palm up, and bowed very slightly.

Her lips pulled upward into a graceful curve and she took his hand. Very gently he took her around the waist and leaped lightly back onto the roof, releasing Rosa the instant she got her footing. It was both heavenly and hellish to be near her, something he craved and dreaded in equal measure. She settled smoothly down onto the roof, folding her legs to the side and smoothing her dress. He sat a respectful distance away from her, wondering why she was here and, as he always did, how she could stand to be with him.

"You've been avoiding us lately." She said quietly, a hint of accusation in her voice now, and his stomach plummeted down the side of the tower. He had dreaded either Rosa or Cecil drawing attention to his seeking solitude. Briefly Kain considered denying it, but dropped the thought the instant it occurred to him. There was never much use in lying to Rosa.

"I have." He was relieved that his voice remained steady. Rosa sighed, closing her eyes and shaking her head.

"Oh, Kain, I'm so very sorry." There was such sadness in her voice, such pain, that Kain couldn't help but look at her in shock.

"Sorry?" He gasped, his mouth hanging open. "Why? For what?"

"I knew that you wanted to leave… I just…" Her eyelids dropped and she brought one hand up to her throat. "I couldn't bear the thought of… of losing you again." She closed her eyes and shook her head almost violently. Kain was in shock. -She- was apologizing to -him-? This was so wrong in so many ways: Rosa hadn't done anything.

"Rosa," he turned to look at her, allowing himself that much at least, "You owe me nothing." He waited until she looked up, and he saw an argument behind her eyes. He would have to stop it, before she made herself feel any worse. He raised a hand before she could speak. "No. Listen to me." She blinked, looking at him curiously. He took a deep, shaky breath, steadying himself for what he knew he had to say.

"Nothing in the world can absolve me of my guilt. The things that I have done are inexcusable," She opened her mouth to repeat the same rebuttals she had been using all along, but he raised his hand again to silence her. "What I did to you was base, contemptible and there is nothing I could say to express the regret I feel." The hand he had raised to silence her moved to his helm and slid it off of his head, revealing his face to her for the first time in years. Her eyes swept across his features, and the warm glow that rose behind their cerulean depths made him heartsick. Closing his eyes and swallowing, Kain forced himself to continue. "There is nothing that I could do to earn back your trust or Cecil's, nothing that I could say that would pass as an appropriate apology. Do not pity me, Rosa." He fought the urge to bury his face in his hands. This was no time for him to grow weak. "No request you could make of me is too much, and whatever pain I feel should not concern you. You are blameless in this matter. You have been from the start."

He turned away from her and stared out over the, now pitch dark, landscape before them. For an eternity there was silence between them.

"So…" Rosa began, her voice barely more than a whisper, "This is what has been troubling you. All of this time…"

Kain clenched his teeth. She was going to argue with him now, he knew. Why couldn't she see what a monster he was? She should be screaming at him, pushing him away, she should not be offering forgiveness that burned worse than his guilt.

"You listen to me now, Kain Highwind, and you listen very carefully." Her tone was so suddenly stern, and even a little angry, that he was momentarily shocked out of his self pity. Blinking almost stupidly at her, he did listen as she continued. "It’s about time you stopped blaming yourself for everything that went wrong." Her tone softened gradually as she continued speaking, but the firmness never left her voice. He felt rather like an errant schoolboy. She took an unsteady breath of her own and continued.

"I will not deny that you hurt me. We both know that you did, and ignoring that fact won't help anyone. But dwelling on it doesn't help either of us. I know why you did what you did, and I also know that if you had been yourself it never would have happened. Argue with me, Kain," she raised her voice a little to block his, "and I will push you off of this roof. I saw more than you may have thought during my time in the tower. I saw the pain in your eyes when you left me. It was buried deep but it was there."

Her hand reached up to his face and her fingers gently brushed his cheek. "I do love you Kain. I always have, and I always will. You have been there for me my entire life - since before I can remember, in fact. You are my brother, my friend and a part of what makes me who I am. I know that Cecil feels the same." Her eyes were soft, understanding but still slightly reproachful. "Do you have any idea how much it hurts us to see you this way? What's done is done and there is never any going back. But there is always, always, a way forward."

She stood up slowly, taking his hand and pulling him up with her. "I won't ask you to stay here any longer. If you truly wish to go then go. But," and she smiled that full, glorious smile he loved so much, "I know that Cecil and I wouldn't be the only ones to miss you. It's your choice, Kain." He watched her as she knelt down to swing over the edge of the roof and onto the balcony below, his insides in turmoil. Quickly he slid his helm back onto his head and reached out to touch her arm, still not totally sure of his course of action.

"Rosa," he called softly, wanting her to stay a moment longer. She stopped and straightened up again, traces of her smile were still on her face and in her eyes. For one moment longer he hesitated, warring with himself, fighting a battle so much worse than any he had faced before. "Do you trust me?" He finally asked, blurting out the words. She blinked once, then smiled and nodded.

"With my life."

It was enough. Returning her smile at last, Kain bent down and brushed his hand gently behind her knees catching her shoulders with his other arm. He heard her surprised breath and the laughter that followed it, and was somewhat shocked himself when he heard his quiet chuckles joining hers.

"Hold on tight," was his only warning before he crouched down and leapt off of the roof. Her arms flew to his neck as they fell, the wind rushing past them swept their laughter back behind them. It seemed to Kain that a weight had lifted off of his shoulders as they plummeted down to the courtyard below. He bent his knees to soften their landing with the ease of long practice, and set her down gently on the flagstones. They were both still laughing, an old piece of the puzzle slid back into place between them and a shadow Kain hadn't noticed before now fled from his mind. Offering Rosa his arm he walked her to the door to the castle, the old heartache was still there but it was not quite as painful. He was able to smile through it and wish her a good night. Once her answering smile would only have brought him pain, but now he was able to smile back with sincerity.

When she was gone he turned, crouched down, and leapt up as high as he could, landing a minute or so later on the roof of the castle. He had forgotten the simple joy that came with his jumps, the pleasantness of pushing himself to his full capacity, the softness of the air rushing past him and the roar of the wind in his ears.

Tomorrow he would go to Cecil. It was time to stop shrinking from what he knew he had to do. Rosa was right. She usually was, he thought with a wry grin as he reached the apex of another jump, hovering for an instant before falling again. It was his responsibility to tell Cecil the whole story. His brother deserved that much at least. He would deal with whatever happened afterward when it came. A captain of the Dragon Knights never shrunk back from his duty, and there was still much work to be done.

For the first time since he had returned to Baron, Kain felt hopeful for the future.

~Fin~