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Chapter Twenty-Two: Run-Around

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It had been seven days. Seven long days, and he wanted to see him.
When the helicopter finally picked them up from the cave, Zack ordered the helicopter pilot to fly to Kalm instead of back to Midgar like they were scheduled. The pilot refused, but after a few...choice words, the pilot finally agreed and made a little detour.

Reno didn't mind. He said it beat filing paperwork back in the office.

So they exited and searched through the town, and through the remains of the festival. They questioned the townsfolk about Mejia, but no one seemed to want to talk about him. In the end, they found nothing but the aftermath of a fire down in a storage room beneath the shops with nothing but wreckage from the crates, and a magazine to a 9mm handgun, but no handgun.

On the ride back, both Zack and Reno were silent and had their attention focused on their cellphones. A knot was in Zack's stomach as he had been sending Kunsel text messages asking about their mission in Kalm, and if everything had gone okay, but the man never responded. He was normally very quick to respond, and quite possibly could text with his eyes closed, but throughout the few hours back to Midgar he had not received one message back from him. That knot grew bigger.

And Reno seemed preoccupied with something on his phone, once he was able to get it working again, and Zack had figured he was sending a mini report back to Tseng. Reno would glance up every now and then from his phone, and their eyes would meet, but nothing else.

When they had touched back down in Midgar, Reno had motioned for Zack to follow him. Zack scoffed and shook his head, but when Reno showed him the waterlogged screen on his cellphone Zack mouthed a four letter word. The screen showed a text message from Tseng saying, "That's an order, Zack."

Unwillingly, Zack followed him and he soon found himself in the infirmary, locked in a room with several grunts outside the door guarding with the excuse that he needed to rest because of his eyesight. He was enraged, and each time he would try to leave or speak with someone, he was denied. He figured it was because of his usual stubbornness for medical attention when he was injured, but they hadn't even come in to inspect him for any injuries.

So after spending half the night trying to bribe the guards to let him sneak out, and the other sleeping because he was actually pretty tired, he was finally released with a silly bottle of eye drops the next morning and that was it. Now, had the staff actually evaluated him and let him speak in his defense, they would have known that his eyesight was perfectly fine and had been since the morning he got back. He threw the bottle of eye drops away in the first trash bin he saw.

He had headed towards the infantry barracks despite being ordered to immediately report to Director Lazard and then Tseng's office for debriefing, but as he rounded the corner, there was Reno again motioning for him to follow. Luck was just not on his side.

And it wouldn't be for four more days.

He would be assigned a mission, and he would complete it as fast as he could, and then race back to the building to see Cloud, only to find himself being assigned another mission immediately after. At first they were decent and understandable, and that was fine. But after the fourth night where he had spent two hours trying to round up some escaped lab monsters, only to have the scientist in charge let them loose again on accident – or what he assumed was on accident – and then spent another three hours getting them back, he was starting to believe that these things were happening on purpose.

And on the seventh day of not seeing Cloud, he went into Director Lazard's office, marched right up to the man's desk, set his cellphone down in front of him and simply said, "I'll be back for this tomorrow. For now, leave me alone." and walked off. He heard Lazard calling after him, but at that point he didn't care. He was tired of getting, what felt like, the run-around. But what the run-around was about, he wasn't sure. He just knew it felt like something was behind the insipid missions, and what felt like a distance everyone was putting between him and Cloud.

He normally wouldn't have thought much about it, as Shin-Ra did have their fair share of stupid missions, but the fact that Kunsel, of all people, was being quiet, he knew something wasn't quite right. He would find him later, however. Right now he didn't want to see anyone else but Cloud.

But now, Zack poked his head around the corner, taking in each slight movement in the hallway. He was particularly looking for a black suit crowned with a head of red hair, as that was all that he seemed to have been seeing lately hanging around the barracks and waiting for him.

He sighed a rather relieved sigh when he realized that Reno was nowhere near, and he slipped into the double doors with a perhaps too jubilant-looking grin on his face. Two days of being on his mission, one stuck in the infirmary, and then four days of extra missions was a long time away from Cloud. And after his failed mission in finding Mejia, only to find out that the man was possibly in Kalm the entire time, his impatience and worry seemed to have doubled. And when no one was providing him with answers, or at least keeping him away from even asking any questions to get those answers, his worry tripled.

Cloud was nowhere to be found.

"Fuck!" he said as he looked around in disbelief. The only blond he was able to spot was Ratcliff lounging around on his bunk above Cloud's.

A few of the infantrymen saluted him and greeted him with excited clamors, and this he noticed got Ratcliff's attention, which was then quickly turned away in what Zack thought looked like nervousness or fright.

He now knew something wasn't quite right.

After politely speaking with some of the men, he excused himself and headed straight for Ratcliff who was now sticking his nose so far into a book that it must have been impossible for him to read it.

"Hey."

Ratcliff slowly peeled the book away, smiling crookedly down at him. "Sir. Good to see you."

"Get down here."

"Sir?"

"Now."

He slowly lowered himself down off of the bunk, looking all the more scared now, and this caused Zack to rethink his approach. Ratcliff seemed like the type to freak out and bolt if cornered aggressively. Zack blocked him from a salute that was about to be made when the man straightened in front of him.

"Don't, it's not necessary."

"Yes, sir."

"At ease," Zack said, motioning to the beds. They took a seat, and Ratcliff was forcing a meek smile at him. "How was the mission?" He wasn't going to waste the time and little patience he had at this point with small-talk.

"It went fine, sir," Ratcliff said, with no hesitation.

Zack was surprised to hear that, actually. He then began to think that perhaps his worrying was for nothing. He relaxed, if only a little, and shook his head at him. "Please, don't call me 'sir' right now. I'm tired of being called that the past few days with all my missions."

"Sure."

"Well, I'm glad to hear that your mission went okay. What did you guys end up doing?"

"Just patrolling the festival. It was pretty much a boring night."

Zack nodded a few times. "Nothing of interest at all? With all those people and all that alcohol?"

"Nope, just a festival," he said casually. "There was a slight skirmish between two people manning neighboring booths, but that was just over smoke from the barbeque blowing into the other man's face."

"Smoke, huh?" He thought of the storage room that was burned. It was definitely caused from a recent fire, but he wasn't good at determining time frames on that sort of stuff, and Reno didn't really seem to know either. He couldn't pinpoint it happening on that exact night.

"It was a funny argument, actually. They called me and Kunsel over to have us handle the fight, but Kunsel just asked them what they wanted us to do. It's not like we could place the smoke under arrest or anything."

Zack laughed. "Yeah, that sounds like something Kunsel would say!" He relaxed just a little bit more, giving Ratcliff a warm smile, who returned it, but stiffly. "So, has Kunsel been busy lately or something?" He didn't want to get to asking about Cloud just yet. Something still didn't seem right to him.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, it feels like he's been avoiding me lately. I've been texting him but he doesn't text back."

"He is the only one watching over the unit, since Mejia is gone. He eats and breathes this barrack on his own, now."

"True..." He trailed off for a moment, watching as Ratcliff shifted on the bed, almost nervously. He had spent enough time with the man to know his behavior. He couldn't quite place what was so strange about this conversation yet, but there was definitely something there, or lacking, that was making him uncomfortable. "So, where's Cloud? I really wanted to see him."

"He's out getting something to eat I think," he said, not missing a beat. "He said he was pretty hungry. Should be back soon, if you wanted to wait for him."

Zack sighed once more, his shoulders sinking in complete alleviation. He felt guilty for doubting Ratcliff, and he felt even worse for suspecting Kunsel from keeping secrets from him and avoiding him. He bounced up and down a few times on the bed, getting comfortable, and glanced around excitedly. "Sure, sounds great. I can't wait to see him."

"I know he can't wait to see you, too."

"He said he missed me?" Zack said, lowering his voice, but he knew that the sparkle in his eyes spoke volumes, however.

Ratcliff smiled again, and it was no longer nervous-looking, but something else. It was almost sad. "He said something like that."

Zack hummed pleasantly to himself then, and could almost feel his face heating up. All he could picture doing in the past week was embracing him and holding him in his arms. He wanted to know that he was safe, especially after all his worrying he did about Mejia possibly being in Kalm. "Got any playing cards?"

"Pardon?"

"Might as well do something while we're waiting for Cloud, right? Want to play a few games?"

"Sure, I'll play, yeah."

And that's when it hit him. He froze, staring at Ratcliff for quite some time with their eyes locked. Neither moved from their position, neither blinked, neither even breathed. They just sat and listened to the men around them laughing and carrying on carefree conversations.

Eventually, the sound of Ratcliff swallowing loudly caused them both to force smiles at each other, and reminded them to breathe again.

"So. Those cards?" Zack said, still staring into him intently.

Ratcliff just nodded, his eyes reflecting everything that Zack feared, and yet he said nothing as he got up to find a deck of cards.


~*~*~
Every few minutes through the bouts of silence, she would ask Cloud questions. What type of music did he like, what movies had he seen recently, what his favorite part about being in the Shin-Ra army was, what he thought about the current weather, and every other inane question she could possibly think of asking to get him to talk.

And it wasn't like he didn't say anything to her. In fact, by the second day of his sessions he said a record-breaking six words to her.

"I don't want to be here."

And on the fourth day, it was a record-breaking seven words.

"I don't want to be here, please."

The psychologist had just smiled at him and said that she 'felt that it was in his best interest' if he were to just stay for a bit and try to tell her 'what brings him in today'. All of her carefully worded questions made him all the more careful about not answering.

And they both knew the real reason why he bothered to enter her brightly lit, clean-lined and contemporary decorated office and spend sixty minutes sitting on an oddly shaped, but surprisingly comfortable sofa – he was ordered to.

They had even bothered to type up the order and hand deliver it to him as he tried to ditch his appointment with Dr. Arolin on the fourth day. The first three in the infirmary she had come to visit him as he lay in the bed hooked up to machines that he thought no one was really paying any attention to. And she said her usual speech to try and get him to talk, but he just did his usual ignoring and stared down at his legs beneath the blanket.

Finally, he was discharged from the infirmary. The doctors had explained to him that a side effect of getting hit with strong electricity from Thundara would bring about mood swings and anxiety. He was still suffering through muscle spasms and his joints constantly ached, so a slew of muscle relaxers, pain killers and anxiety medication was dispensed to him, which he just threw out in a trash bin as soon as he left down the hallway. He had rounded a corner to immediately head out to find Zack, but a redheaded Turk stopped him and simply handed him the typed up order to head down to the psychologist's office.

"Failure to follow through with this order will result in disciplinary action which includes, but not limited to: Trial through court-martial, honorable discharge and/or corrective custody."

The Turk just shrugged his shoulders with eyebrows raised as if to say 'shit happens, bro', and casually walked off. Cloud just stood staring down at the nonsensical order in disbelief. He was being forced to see the psychologist, that part he could somewhat grasp, but to go as far as sending him to the brig if he failed to go to one quack session left him utterly stunned.

He knew that the company didn't care about his wellbeing that much to threaten him with a discharge if he were to disobey. If they cared that much, they would have been more forceful for him to go see Dr. Arolin the first time around when Mejia had attacked him. Something was going on behind the scenes; he wasn't that ignorant of the inner-workings of this business titan to not know that. But for reasons why Shin-Ra would be so persuasive about insuring he followed through with his sessions, he wasn't so sure.

So now he sat staring at a rather pointlessly decorated pillow beside him as the psychologist asked him pointlessly decorated questions which were all a poor attempt in tricking him to talk about things he'd rather soon forget. He took a somewhat uninterested note in the pattern of the beading work on the pillow, and wondered if those beads even did anything to change the pointlessness of the pillow itself.

Would the pillow be viewed in a different light if one bead was sewn too high, or too low? Would it be any different if the curvature of the spiral pattern was any more arched or tightly coiled? Would he think it had more value or function had the beads been a different color?

This pillow really was useless. It was too small to be used to sleep on, and it did nothing but sit in the corner of the couch taking up space that could be used for someone's legs if they wanted to stretch out. It did nothing to comfort him, or make him feel as if he were at home with his own familiar pillows, and it certainly did not make him want to talk about his feelings. All it did was sit there and distract him from the constant mantra of the psychologist for the duration of his session.

Perhaps the pointlessly decorated pillow wasn't so pointless.

"So is there anything you'd like to talk about today, Cloud?"

"Not especially."

She watched as he reached over and grabbed the pillow on her sofa, and he fingered the beads as if testing the strength of the sewing job. "Well," she began, adjusting her glasses so that he could see her eyes, if he were to only make eye contact, "how are things going with Zack?"

Cloud's fiddling with the beading stopped, and he became still. It was not a sign of uncomfortableness that he was displaying, but an aura of solace in the mere mention of the SOLDIER. But he just shook his head, trying to hide the bubbling feelings she knew he was experiencing at that moment, but failed as a small smile appeared on his face.

"Things are going well?"

"I...suppose. We hang out sometimes..."

She nodded. His words suggested a casual acquaintance with the man, but she could tell by his subtle demeanor that it was more than just that. She was glad that this boy at least had some light in his life at the moment, given the circumstances as of late. "He seems like a caring person. I think it's good that you associate with each other."

"Yeah." He seemed to clutch onto the pillow tightly before he set it back down onto the couch where it once was. He adjusted it to nearly exactly how it sat before he picked it up.

"What qualities do you have, do you think draws Zack to you as your friend?" She watched him closely as he became still once more, but that aura disappeared.

"You're only good for fucking, my little slut."

Cloud whimpered inaudibly, or at least what he thought was inaudible, as he wrapped his arms around himself, looking down at the floor. "I-I...I don't...know," he whispered.

Her voice came out softer now, seeing as he became more withdrawn. She had said something that caused him upset, but she wasn't exactly sure what he had been thinking. "You have many wonderful qualities in you, Cloud."

"I don't want to be here, please."

She stood as he was gripping himself tightly, causing his muscles to visibly shake in his arms. "Cloud, please, you can relax." She sat next to him, unsure if she should make physical contact with him. "You don't have to answer the question. I just wanted you to see what Zack sees in you."

He was narrowing his eyes as tears began to swarm in them, and she could tell he was trying to fight them back from falling onto his face.

"Cloud." She watched as he began to dig his fingertips into his skin. She repeated his name again, but he continued to stare ahead with eyes that darted about as if he were watching something. "I need you to relax for me, okay? It's all-"

"Please," he muttered, but his eyes remained fixated on nothing before him. "Don't make me."

"Cloud, no one is making you do anything right now. It's just you and me."

He began to gag, his hand going up to clutch his mouth as his shoulders bobbed. "N-no, stop."

"There is no one with us right now." Her voice began to strengthen, trying to penetrate through the flashback he was experiencing, but only watched in helplessness as he continued to react to whatever he was seeing. "He is not here with us, Cloud. There is no one here that can hurt you."

He was rocking back and forth, shaking his head and pleading. "I'll do anything else just...not..."

"Mejia is not here right now, Cloud!" She reached out and gripped his upper arm, jolting him back to reality with a firm hold.

He sucked in a breath and blinked rapidly, causing the tears that had built up in his eyes to fall onto the hand that was still clutching his mouth. He pulled his hand away, his eyes searching his surroundings hesitantly, as if he were waking from a nightmare. His gaze then traveled down to his hand, where he gave the tears a look of confusion.

The psychologist slowly pried her fingers away from his arm, and he watched in a dazed interest. "What...did you see, Cloud?"

He began stammering quietly, uttering no words that she could possibly understand, and then he slumped to the back of the couch in exhaustion. After a moment of forming his words, he was able to speak through a few labored breaths. "N-nothing. I...don't remember."

"Cloud, please, you can tell me."

"No. I want to go. I want..."

She waited, lifting her eyebrows as their gaze met momentarily, before he looked away in shame. "What do you want, Cloud?"


~*~*~
She couldn't do it, but she had been told to. She just couldn't bring herself to convince Cloud that talking to Zack about the incident wouldn't be beneficial, when she knew damn well that it was. Shin-Ra was twisted, she knew this, but to deny the boy his only real means of coping just so the company could hang onto one of their 'prized' SOLDIERs was unfathomable to her. Admittedly, she grew somewhat numb to her job overtime, as that was sometimes a good thing given her profession, but there was something about this patient that she just couldn't let go and detach herself from. He was so young and seemingly fragile, and when she observed him interacting with the only person that seemed to make him smile, she found herself unable to lie to him for the sake of Shin-Ra.

She was reluctant to let him leave her office. She tried to get him to talk about the incident in Kalm a bit more, but he refused with silence. She was given as much detail as there was about it, but the only people who knew exactly what happened was Cloud, and Mejia himself. She knew he needed more help, but she couldn't force him to stay. She only hoped that he would come to the next appointment she penciled in for him in her books, and was surprised that when she handed him the appointment card, he took it without hesitation. She had faith, as he came to this session of his own free will, or at least so she believed, so perhaps she would be seeing him in two days time once again.

Cloud didn't look at her as he left, but he mumbled a very half-hearted thank you and slipped out the door with tears on his face. He didn't bother to wipe them away, not even as he passed by a few people in the hallway. They didn't seem to notice him, however, so he continued on back towards the barracks.

He entered the elevator and held onto the handrail for support as it began its trek to the barrack floor. He frowned to himself as he remembered the first time he was discharged from the infirmary, and Zack was there to hold onto him during the elevator ride. But now he was alone in the cart, almost feeling alone altogether.

Mejia's voice had been on a constant echo inside his head since he woke up back in Midgar. He strained his memory, unable to first recall what had happened to have him wind up in a bed surrounded by infirmary staff, but after a few minutes he regretted having tried to remember. At first, it was just a flow of the words and sounds the man made that would come back to him, but as the days went on, actual pieces of visual memory struck him to accompany that never-ending loop of noises inside his head.

He remembered the weapon and the fear it brought, and he remembered thinking of Elici and of Zack. He remembered his vision being blocked by the man's body as he was on his knees, and he remembered the taste of him. It made him gag again.

But as to how he was saved, and by whom, was still undiscovered in his mind. He thought he could remember other voices, and an intense heat around him, but that was it. He didn't even remember getting shot, and by now it was just an itchy and painful mystery to him sitting on his shoulder.

The elevator opened, and he was surprised with himself that he didn't vomit. He didn't think his throat could handle the acid from his stomach, as it was still hoarse and sore from...

He didn't want to think about it anymore.

He stopped at the double doors to the barracks, his hand just lightly resting on the handle. He wondered how many people knew about what had happened, and what type of ridicule he would have to face again this time around. He then wondered if Zack knew already, and he bit his bottom lip; he feared that Zack would react outrageously at the news.

Granted, the last time it happened, Zack was respectful and level about it with him, or so he saw. Then again, he wasn't there when Zack had found out about the news initially, so he really didn't know how he had received it at first. But given the night he went to Zack's after Elici's death, the apartment had been turned upside down in some fit of emotion over something, so perhaps Zack was capable of an extraordinary reaction.

And then again, the first time they weren't together.

He sucked in a deep breath and opened the doors, finding the barrack relatively empty. Their liberty had started, so most of the men were out, and only a few stragglers were behind and just lounging around. It didn't matter to Cloud, however, as he was placed on light-duty again. And as far as he knew, he had no work assigned for him yet.

His eyes fell upon his bunk where Ratcliff sat with another one of their barrack mates nicknamed Pawn playing with a deck of cards. Ratcliff was leaning over and explaining something to Pawn about the hand of cards he held, but the boy didn't seem as if he understood the game. Perhaps he was too young, as he was only one year older than Cloud, and even he didn't understand some of the card games the men played.

Across from them sat Zack. Cloud froze. He wasn't expecting him to be there, and he had been wondering why the man didn't visit him in the hospital at all. He assumed that Zack was either busy, or just didn't know, or both. And now that he sat waiting for him, he knew that perhaps he just didn't know about what happened. It was going to stay that way, if that was the case.

Ratcliff had glanced up and his eyes lingered a bit too long on Cloud, and Zack caught this and turned himself.

"Hey!" Zack stood, dropping the cards from his hand which caused Pawn and Ratcliff to grumble and toss down their own cards in defeat once they saw what he had held.

"Maybe we should go back to playing chess, yeah?" Ratcliff said dejectedly as he collected the cards, and Pawn just nodded.

Cloud just stayed where he was. He watched Zack walk towards him, his heartbeat becoming frantic as the man neared and he couldn't tell if it was from excitement or fear. He somehow managed a rather unimpressive smile at him as he approached.

"Good to see you, Cloud!" Zack smiled down at him and resisted the urge to lean down and give him a kiss. He reached up and ruffled his hair, however. People seemed to be used to him doing that to Cloud, so it was overlooked.

Cloud opened his mouth to speak, but nothing but a squeak came out. He didn't know what to say to him, or how he was supposed to act. But when Zack began to talk again, he relaxed and began to rethink his behavior and words.

"Have fun on the mission?"

All the behavior and words that he started to assemble in his head became void. Another mindless sound.

Zack had a rather smug look on his face as he leaned forward and muttered, "You missed me that much that you can't talk?" His eyes flickered down to Cloud's cheeks.

Cloud blushed, and was for once thankful that his body reacted that way, as he felt that it helped show that he was reacting how he normally would to something like that, or at least, so he hoped. He just nodded his head sheepishly and managed another strange smile.

"We were playing poker, want to join? We're teaching Pawn here how to play, although I don't think they're doing very well against me."

"U-um...I'm...kinda hungry, actually. Do you think that we can get something to eat?" Cloud blinked at his own words, as they came out without him thinking, and came out raspy and foreign-sounding.

Zack pursed his lips momentarily at Cloud's words, but quickly smiled at him again. "Sure," he said, somewhat carefully, "we can get something to eat." He refrained from turning around and glancing back to Ratcliff with a glare, but instead turned around and smiled warmly. "Want to come, guys?" As much as he wanted to be alone with Cloud at the moment, he wanted to see more interaction from both Ratcliff and Cloud in hopes that one might slip up and give him some sort of insight as to what was going on. "My treat."

After a moment of silence, Ratcliff tried to hide a rather guilty look on his face with a very superficial smile. "No, you two go have a good time, yeah?"

"I insist," Zack said simply.

Ratcliff just glanced back to Cloud, who was looking nowhere near him. "Sure," he said eventually. "Count me in, yeah."


~*~*~
They hadn't gone far down the road before hunger got the better of them, and they ducked into the first restaurant they saw – a ramen shop.

Zack had tried to convince that boy Pawn to join them out of courtesy, but he had just shook his head and mumbled something about needing to be somewhere, so they left without him.

So now they sat, Zack in the middle, and he and Ratcliff had been laughing together about a few hands that had been played in their poker game, to where Ratcliff had surprisingly held quite a decent poker face, despite being someone who could never stop smiling. It was decent enough for Zack to fall for his bluff and fold his hand for a loss. Now, had they been playing for actual gil, he would have probably come out on top after everything was said and done, but since they were playing with nothing but pride and fun, he didn't mind losing several games to the man.

And it was quite a poker face indeed. Zack almost commended Ratcliff for being able to hold out this long without telling him what the hell had happened in Kalm to make everyone seem so damn quiet and secretive. Even after Zack had ordered the man several beers, and they even had shared a small bottle of sake together, he still somehow managed to keep his mouth shut about it.

Perhaps he had been looking too much into it all. After all, Ratcliff was unable to hold in the fact that Graves had deserted; he caved after a few short minutes at the time. He seemed honest to a fault, so maybe Zack was just being paranoid.

Zack glanced over to Cloud who was just staring ahead to the chefs bustling about behind the counter they sat before. He seemed upset or disturbed over something, with eyes that looked lost in thought and with hands that were balled tightly around the package of chopsticks in front of him. Zack had then wondered if he found out about Graves being gone, and maybe that was the strange vibe he was picking up on from the two. Maybe Cloud was just angry at Ratcliff for withholding something like that for so long.

"Cloud?" Zack watched as his mouth was moving slightly and it looked as if he was mouthing words, but no sound came out, nor did his lips move enough for Zack to try and read what he was possibly saying. He reached over and touched Cloud's shoulder, and the boy flinched slightly beneath his hand. Zack would have sat and stared for a good, long while at him, if Cloud didn't turn his head and smile.

"Sorry," he said, then cleared his throat when his voice came out a bit raspy again, "I was just thinking."

Zack's eyes narrowed at him, almost in an angry look, and he ignored the word he hated hearing him say for the time being. "Yeah, I can see that. You okay?" He pulled his hand away reluctantly, watching as Cloud still held that awkward smile on his face.

"Yeah, fine." He cleared his throat again, and had a look of discomfort when he swallowed. "What were we talking about?"

"About how Zack folded with a pair of tens when I only had a pair of deuces, yeah!"

Zack whipped back around to Ratcliff, and they began to banter briefly about the card game, and Cloud just went back to staring blankly ahead of him until their order arrived.

They slipped their wooden chopsticks from the paper sleeve and began to eat the steaming bowls of ramen heartily and hungrily. A few more beers were ordered, and a conversation was struck up with one of the chefs behind the counter about their job in Shin-Ra, and a few laughs were shared between them. Even a second bowl of ramen was ordered for Zack when one wasn't enough, and another beer was ordered for Ratcliff when four wasn't enough.

After concentrating on his food for sometime, and concentrating on making sure Ratcliff didn't slip off of the stool from drunkenness beside him, Zack glanced over to Cloud who had been more than quiet as they ate.

"Uh...Cloud?" Zack reached out and touched his shoulder again, and he just slowly looked to him with eyebrows raised, as if nothing was out of the ordinary.

"Zack?"

Zack motioned down to his hands which were holding the chopsticks. "You...do know how to use them, don't you?"

"Of course I do."

Their eyes locked on each other for a brief moment before Zack forced a nonchalant laugh and reached over to take the chopsticks from his hands. "Sure could've fooled me, Cloud." He snapped them apart and handed them back. He frowned briefly when he realized they were wet, as if Cloud had been using them like that.

"Oh. I guess...I wasn't paying attention," Cloud mumbled and looked down at the separated chopsticks. "That was stupid of me."

"You've barely even touched your food, is everything all right?"

"Yeah, just...not hungry."

"But you were hungry before we left. Are you sure everything is fine, Cloud?"

Cloud suddenly slammed the chopsticks down and shot Zack a very intense glare. "Yes! I thought I told you this already!"

An uncomfortable silence settled over the three, and Zack just stared at Cloud with not a look of hurt, but a look of earnest worry. He had seen Cloud become angry before over the months that they knew each other, but it was never directed at him. He heard that Cloud had a temper when he was younger, but not once had he seen him snap so easily, especially when Zack was showing him concern.

But Cloud looked down at his food then after the angry look on his face melted into one of embarrassed shame, and he mumbled an apology to Zack with a sorrowful tone. He placed the chopsticks in his hand correctly, but didn't resume eating.

Zack stammered in shock at first, but quickly righted his words. "No, Cloud, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked so many times." Zack went to touch Cloud's knee beneath the counter, but he felt a warm hand on his own before he could. He smiled.

"I'm just...a little tired."

"Well, why didn't you just say so? We didn't have to go out," he said quietly, finally reaching over and stroking his knee with his hand. "We could've just gotten something at the chow hall, or back at my place."

"No, this is good, thank you," Cloud said, looking at him bashfully.

"You wouldn't want me to cook for you? I make a mean peanut butter sandwich, I'll have you know."

Cloud smiled, albeit it was a small one. Granted, it looked like any other small smile he would give Zack, but there was something different about it, and he couldn't quite place what it was.

Zack glanced around quickly before he leaned over close to Cloud's ear and whispered, "I can make dessert, too."

That small smile faded then into a look of what could have been fear, but it was quickly hidden beneath his hair as he ducked down to his bowl to slurp up a rather large mouthful of ramen.

Cloud was quite scared, and had he not buried his head in the food he really didn't feel like eating anymore, Zack would have noticed. The fact that Ratcliff began to slide off his barstool and fell against Zack was another big help in distracting, and Cloud almost felt relieved.

He would have liked to have thought that he was slowly piecing things back together in his head, and that whatever Mejia had said to him wasn't true, but the seed of doubt had been planted and he didn't know how to uproot it. As much as he tried to push Mejia's words out of his head, they always seemed to come back to him in full force.

Of course Cloud thought about sex. He thought about it even before he met Zack. There wasn't a way to not think about it when most of the guys around him were constantly talking about it and saying how wonderful it was whether it was with a man or a woman. Granted, prior to meeting Zack, most of his thoughts were about women, but once he met the SOLDIER, that slowly started to change. It was something he wanted to try with Zack, even if the thought of it petrified him in a strangely exciting way.

But was Zack really that type of person to get bored with someone? He was restless and impatient at times, but they were all endearing qualities that Cloud actually admired. Zack said that he would wait for him, but he felt that it was only because of the first incident with Mejia. If none of that would have happened, would Zack still be patient for him?

He didn't regret going forward with Zack, and he found that it was enjoyable like he had always pictured it to be. So perhaps having sex would be just as enjoyable. He only wondered how long Zack would wait for him as the days went on. If there was any chance that Mejia could be right, he didn't want to take it.

He didn't want to lose Zack.

Cloud asked with a quiet voice if they could head back to the building then. He finally finished his first bowl of ramen as Zack was already finishing his second. Zack looked more than happy to oblige, as Ratcliff was becoming quite...helpless in his actions, so he paid the bill and collected the man from the seat that he suddenly seemed to forget how to use, and they left.


~*~*~
They entered the barracks just as some of the men were returning for the end of their liberty. The dejected vibe that fell upon the men who began to shower and ready for lights-out was unmistakable. At times the men were merely scheduled for courses and general training, which only lasted until five or six at night. It was almost like a normal job for them, but there were days and weeks that they would be forced out into the field, patrol or on missions where they didn't know when they'd be able to sleep, or even where they were to be able to lay their heads for the night. It was tough on them, so they savored each liberty they were given, as it could be their last for quite sometime.

Zack and Cloud helped Ratcliff to his bunk, and had to practically hold him up as he clambered up the ladder, where he just collapsed with a drunken laugh.

"He sure is a lightweight," Zack said, smoothing out his uniform as Ratcliff had clung to him during their walk back so he didn't fall.

Cloud stayed silent as he shifted on his feet beside him. Zack could see that he was glancing down at his bunk, which to Zack looked as if it hadn't been touched in days. Of course, Cloud was a bit neurotic when it came to cleanliness, so it was no surprise that it looked so pristine.

"I guess I should be going," Zack said, smiling at Cloud gently. "I'll see you soon, okay?"

Cloud shifted again, and he pursed his lips together, as if he was preparing to say something.

Zack glanced around to the men who were scattered about, conversing with one another about what they did on their liberty. He leaned down and lowered his voice when no one seemed to be paying them any mind. "Do you know when your next liberty is scheduled? We can go out again."

"Tomorrow," he murmured, still refraining from eye contact. Perhaps he still felt ashamed for his outburst back at the restaurant, or at least Zack hoped it was only that.

"You guys get another one? Two in a row?" Zack's eyebrows wrinkled in confusion. That was a bit unheard of. Sometimes they were granted two days of liberty, but it was seldom.

He nodded, his hair swaying in front of his face. Zack watched as Cloud's eyes were still down at his bunk, almost as if he were trying to see through it to the floor below.
"Well, that's great. Then I can see you tom-"

Cloud suddenly turned and walked past him, heading towards the double doors. Zack called out to him, but when he didn't answer, he followed.

"Where are you going, Cloud? What's going on?" Zack said, watching as Cloud's pace was a bit fast, even for him. He himself had a quick stride, but this was a bit unexpected from the boy. Cloud didn't respond, but continued his quick pace, and Zack found himself just following quietly.

Zack felt ready to take him by the shoulders and not let him go until he told him what was bothering him so much. If nothing had happened during their mission, according to Ratcliff, had Zack done something to make him upset? He felt so conflicted, he didn't know what to think or believe.

He tried to piece together what little information he had about everything. It was hard to tell if Cloud had been in the barracks the entire time since Zack had been back, since he was stuck in the debacle with the infirmary and the insipid missions for five days. Each time he tried to go and see Cloud, he seemed to be conveniently whisked away, so he couldn't determine if Cloud returned from the mission safely, and returned to his daily routine immediately. But when Cloud had first entered the barrack earlier that day, he almost looked detached from his surroundings, as if he hadn't been there for a while and was taking everything in.

And when Zack had leaned down to mutter to him in the barrack before they left for dinner, he noticed what looked like a faint, yellowing bruise on his cheek right before the boy blushed. He wasn't sure if it was just the poor lighting, so he checked again in the ramen shop. It looked as if it had been a decent-sized wound at first that was healed by magic. It would not have been this healed by now had Cloud not received attention to it right away, and the only person that would have had materia on their person during the mission would have been Kunsel. And if Kunsel and Ratcliff weren't going to tell him what happened, he only wondered if Cloud ever would.

He hadn't realized that they had been walking for quite some time and when he finally came back from his inner thoughts, he realized they were standing outside his quarters. He looked down to Cloud who had such a bland look on his face that Zack wondered if he was musing about something as well. But when the blond finally spoke, his voice coming out raspy, he sounded as if he knew exactly what he was doing, despite his odd behavior through the night.

"Aren't we going to go inside?"

Zack nodded mindlessly a few times, trying to gather his thoughts as he fumbled for his key.

Cloud watched him from the corner of his eye, taking in a smile that Zack gave him as he found his key and unlocked the door. Cloud's eyes trailed the key as it was inserted into the lock and turned.

Would he really lose interest in me if I don't put out?

Zack opened the door and turned on the light, then stepped aside for Cloud to enter. Cloud stared into the apartment for a moment before their eyes locked, and Zack just gave him an upbeat smile.

"You wanted to come inside, right?" Zack reached up and brushed his fingertips beneath Cloud's chin briefly.

I don't want to lose him.

"Y-yeah, I do." Cloud found himself smiling, but it felt empty.

I have to do this...to keep him.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~
...To be continued in Chapter Twenty-Three: In the Dark.