Malady

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Chapter Twenty-Six: No Strings Attached

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He was hitchhiking in the back of a truck, trying to keep the wind from blowing out his cigarette.  He managed to keep it lit long enough to smoke it halfway down to the filter before he actually grew tired of it and chucked it off into the plains they drove through.

Chasing Mejia out of Kalm was the easy part.  It was keeping up with him that was next to impossible.  Graves was a fit man and had impressive stamina, but it was nothing compared to someone infused with mako and Jenova cells.  Even with a wound in the man's gut, he still managed to flee from his sight effortlessly.  But with a wound like that, he must have not gone very far before he had to stop and nurse it.  Mejia had fled Kalm abruptly; he was unprepared, or so, at least Graves hoped.  

Graves doubted that Mejia would have gone back to Midgar, and unless he owned his own sea vessel, the only way off the continent was Junon.  Since Junon was teeming with Shin-Ra, he wouldn't stay there for long, if even any time at all.  But besides Midgar and Kalm, there really wasn't anything worth staying on the continent for, so Graves figured he was possibly heading towards the western continent in search of … well, whatever someone like Mejia could possibly search for.  It certainly wasn't forgiveness, Graves was sure of that.
  
Without a helicopter, the only way to get to Junon was through the Mythril cave.  And the only way to get to that was through the marshes.  So Graves stopped off at the chocobo farm the previous day and agreed to rent a chocobo to cross them, even though he didn't believe in that old wives tale about the so-called Midgar Zolom.  Just a bunch of hot air to him, really.  But he had paid a little extra for the large yellow bird for a bit of information.  

The old man in the farm had told him a young man had stopped by the night before with a nasty wound, and Graves cursed to himself.  He was a day behind.  How the hell was he a day behind?  It took Graves two days to get there on foot, with minimal stops to rest.  There were hardly no vehicles that passed between Kalm and the chocobo farm this time of year since the miners from Kalm were all back in the town.  But Mejia must have hitched a ride or obtained some sort of vehicle to get that far that quick.  

But the old farmer said that the young man rented a chocobo after spending the night in their guest bed and left the next morning, which suggested he hitched a ride to get there initially.  Perhaps family members drove him as far as the farm once Graves lost sight of him, but he wasn't entirely sure.  All he knew was that he had to catch up to him.  He didn't have much else of a plan, admittedly.  He was never one for thinking things through, and it seemed to do him well enough throughout the years and throughout his decisions.

So after spending a few hours rest at the farm, he took the yellow bird and was quite thankful that it was a fast one, and that he could get a bit more rest on it.  His legs were tired, and at first he was shocked to be experiencing this feeling.  He had never really known fatigue.  

Growing up as a child in Corel there was no time to be tired.  His uncle Barret was constantly drilling him and pushing him to work hard in the coal mines with him.  He never once minded.  It kept his overabundance of energy focused on something positive, versus losing it to trouble with the other children of the dusty town.  Boredom struck Graves rather quick and he usually was unable to stop himself from instigating something.  Even now that he was older, he still was short-fused and fidgety.

But that energy was able to fuel his will and drive to be a stronger man.  He was able to detach his physical limitations from his brain and push himself beyond the expected.    Fatigue was just another word he heard people use – almost like excuses – to gloss over their own failures.  It wasn't like he never became tired, as that would be a lie and as soon as lights-out hit he was the first to fall asleep, but he felt that sometimes his body didn't register the aftereffects of a strenuous workout.  Sweat was accumulated on his skin, of course, but muscles never burned, joints never ached, lungs never became dry.

So for the first time he had rubbed his knees in an attempt to soothe the continuous ache in them.  He had ran a good distance after him – at least four miles straight, but riding the chocobo the long six hours from the farm and through the marshes gave him ample time to recover.  He had passed through the murky waters and came upon the corpse of an impossibly large snake, and be damned his previous belief on the rumored creature.  At first, he wondered if Mejia had killed it, as it had been sliced right through the skull by a blade.  It seemed like a SOLDIER style kill, but it was already beginning to decompose and fill water with its flaky flesh and the air with the stench of death.  It had at least been a couple of days, and he could only sit and wonder if there were more lurking about, so he quickly trudged on.

The cave was a bit hard to maneuver through since the chocobo refused to enter and he was forced to traverse through it on foot.  By the time he reached it, nightfall came and did little to nothing to light the way through in what few cracks there were in the ceiling.  He opted to use his cigarette lighter at first, but on second thought he didn't want to waste the lighter fluid in fear of not knowing when he'd come across a lighter next.  Junon was still a far ways away.  At least a few more days, and he would rather be without cigarettes than lighter fluid.

There was something about running out of cigarettes first that bothered him less than having them but being without a means to light them.  Sucking on the filter for the taste and nicotine proved fruitless and rather pathetic in his mind.  So he saved the fluid and walked through slowly with his assault rifle in hand and the seabag across his back with anything and everything he owned.  He hadn't much, but then again he never really did have much to begin with.  He only needed a few things to survive, and all of that fit neatly into his bag.

A few miles through the cave seemed to last for a while, but eventually the morning began to light the winding and narrowing paths through the ceiling, and the previously difficult trek was now reduced to nothing more than the occasional stumble on a rock or small pool of water hidden in the shadows.  His traveling time was reduced in the light of the day, and his pace began to pick up despite the nagging urge to sleep that hovered over him.  

He had only stopped briefly to rest and drink from a stream of water that trickled down from a stalactite, and he refilled his canteen since it at least tasted clean.  He had snacked on the leftover greens from the chocobo before they withered.  It tasted revolting – bitter and sharp – but he knew it was packed with vitamins and potassium that he needed to maintain and protect his muscles, and to help keep him going.  He wasn't going to be stopped.  This man didn't deserve to continue breathing, so with a grimace, the leafy feed was consumed.

Finally he exited the cave.  He had never been to Junon before, but the worn map he had from their Land Navigation courses was in hand and coveted and memorized as he began to plan a course for the city.  There was nothing on this side of the continent but a few nameless villages scattered about, and a place called Fort Condor.  From what he heard, it had a mako reactor on top, so perhaps he would be able to hitch a ride from a maintenance vehicle passing to and from Junon to it.

A day passed through the plains and not one sign of any sort of transport or any sign of human life really passed by.  Admittedly, Junon was a bit farther than Graves expected, or perhaps his pace was slowed due to lack of sleep and inadequate food.  He himself hadn't prepared for this.  His body just seemed to move on its own and told him what his ultimate goal was.  It did nothing to help him along in thinking things completely through, so whatever he had in his locker and whatever non-perishable food he could find in the chow hall before he left was all he brought with him.  Graves was a big man and required an equally big meal, so for him to go this long without ravishing some sort of once living substance was a miracle on its own.

He had tried to catch a few jackrabbits running through the fields to skin and cook, but for once his robust frame worked against him, and he only managed to lumber after them and scare them away.  He could almost hear the assuring comments to try again from Ratcliff, the soft laughter from Cloud and the jeering taunts from Elici in his mind as he chased after the creatures, and that's when he knew he needed sleep.  It was only when he became drowsy from a long day when his mind would turn to such useless and weak thoughts – memories – and he hated himself for even thinking these things.

So, not wanting to think about such things anymore, he reluctantly found a temporary home near a cluster of boulders and propped himself up against them.  Somnolence came quick, and if it hadn't been for the rumbling of the truck that approached from behind, he would have slept through his ride to Junon as it passed.  A hasty scramble to collect his things, and he managed to call attention to the driver with a piercing whistle of his fingers between his lips.

At first the driver was a bit reluctant, and as was Graves for it was a Shin-Ra truck, but the grunt just nodded and motioned for him to climb in back and shut the hell up once Graves gratefully and almost uncharacteristically thanked him several times.  He was relieved, it was a godsend, really, and through each mile they drove through, he felt as if he were coming that much closer to Mejia.


~*~*~

Twenty reps would skip into the thirties, thirty-something would drop back down to somewhere in the high twenty range unconsciously, and then a frustrated and tired sigh would accompany his inability to keep track and count properly as he used the weight machines.

He had managed to run a mile or two on the treadmill and found it was easier than he thought it was going to be for his body.  To push himself meant that he was required to empty his thoughts and stare blankly ahead to the dingy wall in the gym, which meant he was clear of any lingering thoughts of Kalm.  But the more and more he used the machines, and given the lack of visual stimulation to keep him distracted, he increasingly became bored and his mind began to wander around to places it should have stayed far, far away from.  Having no one to talk to when his mind was unable to hold onto the concept of staying empty was no help either, and so as he used the leg press machine and attempted to keep track of his reps, memories would creep into his mind and latch onto his current thoughts, rendering the attempt to keep count useless.

Skipping numbers, repeating numbers, completely losing track, it didn't matter how he was messing up, it just mattered that it was happening and frustrating him greatly.  

The sound of the weights clanking together as Cloud lowered the press down struck through his head and he winced, partially because it was a shrill noise, and partially because it drew unwanted attention to him from some nosy gym-goers who seemed to turn and look at him and the offensive noise.  At least, it felt like he was drawing unwanted attention everywhere he went.  He tried to tell himself that it was all in his head and that no one knew about the incident, but he couldn't help but keep his already lowered gaze even lower to the ground as he walked about the halls of Shin-Ra.  And yet, no one said anything to him, but embarrassment and guilt were powerful mechanisms in dictating his actions.

He contemplated showering in the locker room of the gym but there was a good number of men in there, and just the thought of being near them made his heart race and his stomach turn.  He tried to tell himself that they wouldn't harm him, that there were cameras and it was a much too public place, but he couldn't be rid of the nagging 'what if' that continuously played in his head.  He had taken a shower in the infirmary when he was strong enough, and in Zack's apartment, but he had yet to venture into the unit's locker room nude to clean himself.  He knew he couldn't avoid it forever, but he couldn't stop but think of all the hazing stories he had heard, both amusing and embarrassing, and of all the beatings and rape stories ….

Cloud wondered why none of that had really happened to him once he joined.  He had a few intimidating encounters in the halls, he had even found himself in a few scraps before, all of which he only received a few bruises, but never anything more.  A group of men had roughed him up a bit and tried to force him to wear a woman's dress, but he managed to fight back until Graves appeared and took care of the stragglers.  It didn't take him long to realize that he had his friends to watch over him, especially Graves.  With that large man lurking behind him, it was no wonder that most infantrymen never even gave Cloud a second glance, despite his appearance of being an easy target.

But right now with the thoughts that were swimming about in his head, he'd rather stay sweaty than run the risk of showering with men from other units that he didn't know, and not having anyone around to back him up if something were to happen.  It was so silly, he thought, but he couldn't stop himself.

So he slipped out of the gym, the muscles in his thighs burning with the remnants of his workout routine.  The doctors had told him to take it easy, but he didn't care.  He had nothing else to do with his time, so working out and trying to gain his coordination and strength back was about all he could think of doing.  His books were all read and retired, magazines didn't interest him much, all of the Shin-Ra exhibits he already memorized each of the information placards relating, and going off the compound to the city was only fun with the company of friends.  Elici was dead, Graves was in SOLDIER boot camp, according to Ratcliff, and Ratcliff himself was … well, acting strange.  

There was a few minutes of free time the men had between orders earlier that day, and Cloud had tried to talk to the man to inquire more about Graves.  But Ratcliff just laughed him off awkwardly and changed the subject to whatever the men were scheduled to do that day.  Which, of course, was just the usual routine that was like second nature to them now, and wasn't really touched on in conversation anymore with the men of the unit, so that only made things seem more strange.

Cloud made his way to the elevator and pressed the button for the 1st Class SOLDIER housing floor.  It was a bit late in the afternoon, not yet dinnertime, so he only wondered if Zack was available.  He worried that he was being too clingy by going back to his apartment and wanting to see him, but he didn't feel like being alone.  There were times where he did feel uncomfortable when he was around Zack, but it was more with himself than the man, but despite that, there was no other he could think of that could make him feel as safe.  

The beep of the keypad sounded with Zack's code as Cloud entered it and he opened the door to an empty and soundless hallway.  It was quite eerie to him, and he wondered if anyone else besides Zack lived on that floor, but then remembered hearing a door close every now and then while he was visiting.  His mind trailed back to Sephiroth who had helped him into Zack's apartment when his arms were too full.  He watched the quiet doorways as he passed, and he could only guess as to which one the hero lived in.  He assumed that two of them had to have been Angeal's and Genesis' as well, but had never heard anyone moving about in them, let alone leaving or entering.  It really was a depressing hallway.

Cloud hesitated when he reached Zack's door before knocking so softly that even he didn't hear it.  He paused, and when there was no response, he tried again, a bit too loudly.  He grimaced at the intensity of it and almost wished that Zack wasn't there to hear the embarrassingly forceful knock.

Zack wasn't there.

Cloud sighed to himself and leaned up against the wall next to his door, just … waiting.  There was nothing else he could do.  He would wait for a while, and if the man didn't show from whatever he was doing, then he would return to the barracks to do exactly the same thing.  Nothing.  He was still awaiting orders for his light-duty, and was both dreading it, and longing for it.  He needed distractions, he needed mental stimulation.  The quiet day of lounging in the barracks while everyone else was out in the swim qualifications was doing nothing for his wayward thoughts.

And this wasn't helping either.

His sneakers squeaked against the tile as he lowered himself down onto the floor.  His  hands and bottom were cold against the tile, his back cold against the wall.  The soft breeze from the vents above was just as cold, and the silence around him – unbearable.  Shrugging into himself did nothing to warm him, but only caused a spasm to course through his body, which he tried to control by bracing himself against the wall.  He relaxed when it was over and then wondered if he should have not thrown the medication out when he received them.  His extremities still were a combination of tingling and numbness from the shock.  Random twinges of pain would strike through the constant sensitivity of his nerves, his joints were stiff and achy.

Cloud thought he heard the beep of the door at the end of the hallway, but when he lifted his head and listened, nothing ever came of it.  He wasn't sure how long he sat there for after that, but the pain in his body began to slowly subside, and he might have even begun to feel warm again.  Eventually, his eyes began to sink closed and he could feel a slight heat of his skin from his knees against his cheek, but never realized that he had lowered his head down onto them.  But that tiny warmth was all he needed to push through the lonely cold, and he fell asleep.


~*~*~

There was someone asleep in the hallway.

A young cadet, actually, asleep against the wall in the hallway by Zack's quarters.

Why … was there a boy sleeping in a restricted 1st Class SOLDIER only area?

Sephiroth stopped near the boy and stared at him for a few moments, trying to piece together who this person was and why he was possibly sleeping outside of Zack Fair's apartment.  It wasn't until the boy stirred and his knees dropped to reveal his face did Sephiroth recognize him.  The name eluded him for a moment, but he definitely knew him to be Zack's young friend – the one he had saved from that 3rd Class only a few weeks ago outside the barracks.  He had been following up on that incident here and there between mounds of paperwork and his own business, and he was a bit disturbed to find out that it had happened again during the cadet's simple mission to Kalm.

And he was even more disturbed to read that it was to be kept entirely confidential, specifically mentioning from one Zack Fair.  That was another strange question that left Sephiroth mildly intrigued, but the more pressing anomaly was the softly breathing blond sitting rather awkwardly against the wall.

He contemplated just letting sleeping dogs lie, but without Zack's presence, the cadet really had no clearance – let alone a reason – to be there in such a restricted area.  Sephiroth knew the cadet was on a temporary lift of duty, but that still gave him no viable defense to be there.  If Zack wasn't home, then the boy belonged elsewhere, preferably the barracks with his peers.  

But, regardless, it was Zack's friend, and he knew that Zack would be quite cross with him if he found out that he woke the cadet and sent him away.  He had enough to deal with; he didn't need Zack scolding him for disturbing his business with this person.  Perhaps Zack arranged to meet the boy at his quarters and the 1st Class was just late in arriving.  On further thought, the boy was only recently discharged from the infirmary, according to the reports, so perhaps he wasn't sleeping.

Sephiroth cleared his throat softly, watching him for any signs of rousing him.  A second clearing of his throat proved fruitless, and by now he found himself squatting and tilting his head to see his face better.  The boy looked flushed – perspiring even, but the hallways were kept a cooler temperature, so it was a bit odd to see that on his skin.  On inspection, however, he looked as if he were dressed in training wear, so perhaps he came from the gym or a physical fitness test
.
Or perhaps he was drunk and deposited here as some sort of prank by his fellow infantryman.  Either way, he couldn't be just left lying there.  

"Cadet?"

Only the sound of his light breathing was Sephiroth's response, and he frowned briefly before mulling around the idea of shaking him awake.  If the boy was really that tired, then a rest on his couch until Zack arrived would probably be the best course of action, if need be.  He imagined that Zack would be just as angry with him if he found out that he simply walked past the cadet without a second glance as he lay possibly ill in the hallway.

He was surprised to hear himself sigh and hadn't realized that the simple act of a sleeping cadet in the hallway could cause him this much qualm.  As cold as it sounded, he didn't so much care about the cadet as much as he cared about not hearing Zack's relentless whining and more than exasperating griping.  Zack's behavior was challenging at times, and Sephiroth found himself bending the rules to tailor to the SOLDIER's approval.  Whatever kept the complaining to a minimum, Sephiroth was somewhat willing to comply.

He then realized that a quick call to Zack to see if he was expecting this person's company, then a call to the infirmary or commanding officer afterwards, depending, would remedy everything and he could be clear of his nagging conscience and go on with his business.  So he retrieved his phone and paused for a moment until Zack's phone number registered in his head and he dialed.

It rang a few times until he realized that it was ringing in the ear that he wasn't holding the phone to, and he looked over to see Zack trotting through the door with an impressively worried look on his face.

"Cloud!"

Sephiroth snapped his phone shut and stood calmly, already picking up on Zack's edgy vibe as he neared.  "It seems that your friend grew tired of waiting for you."

"Is he okay?"  Zack immediately dropped to his knees, almost tenderly brushing the boy's hair away from his face, and Sephiroth wasn't sure if he was just over-speculating as he caught that minute gesture.

"I've only just recently found him like this.  I was trying to contact you to see if you were expecting him, and what you would have liked me to do with him in the meantime.  I was going to wake him and have him wait in my quarters for you if I couldn't get a hold of you."

Zack looked up at the man with a shocked expression, but then it melted into a look of gratitude.  "Thanks, Sephiroth.  I'll take it from here."

Sephiroth glanced down to Zack's hand carelessly placed on the cadet's thigh, and the eyebrows that he trained to remain rather motionless on his face lifted a little, but nothing more.  "I'll leave it to you, then."

Zack waited until Sephiroth turned and continued down the hallway towards his quarters.  The sound of his footsteps echoing was driving Zack crazy, and did nothing to help the sense of panic he was experiencing with Cloud lying unconscious by his apartment.   Sephiroth finally disappeared into his own apartment, and Zack wasted no time in throwing his door open and scooping the boy up in his arms.

The couch was closer – no, too uncomfortable.  Zack nudged open his bedroom door and lay Cloud down on his bed that he didn't bother to make from the night before.  Was he cold?  He was shivering a bit, but his skin was feeling as if he was either becoming damp and warm, or cooling down from it.  Zack removed his running shoes for him and covered him with the blanket.  Cloud's face was peaceful, actually, and now he couldn't tell if he was just sleeping or something more, but the panic never left him.

"Cloud?"  He squatted down next to the bed and put his ear close to his mouth as his head slumped off towards him.  He was breathing normally, so he moved his ear towards his chest.  His heart was beating normally.  "Angel?  Hey ..."  He reached out and shook his shoulder lightly, finally receiving a response.  It was a soft mutter and a wrinkling of his eyebrows as if agitated that he was disturbed.  "Cloud, wake up."

"... Sleeping," he finally mumbled and Zack sank to his knees in relief when he realized he was somewhat cognitive.

"Are you sure?"

Cloud just nodded a few times against the pillow and turned to his side to curl up, never opening his eyes.

"Do you want me to let you go back to sleep ...?"  Zack wasn't even sure if Cloud was awake enough to have him go back to something he probably never even left to begin with, considering.  "Cloud?" he said after a moment of silence.

"... A little longer."

"Okay," he said, chuckling lightly, "just a little longer."  Zack watched as Cloud shifted, drawing the blanket over his shoulder and tucked it beneath his chin.  He settled after adjusting his position and his breathing perhaps trailed off into snoring.

It was to be expected after what Cloud went through.  A week wasn't sufficient time in recovering, so it really came as no surprise to Zack that Cloud would be so tired as to fall asleep in the hallway given his injuries.  He smirked at the thought of what would have happened if Sephiroth had woken him and brought him into his private quarters to wait.  The mental image of Cloud gasping heavily and staring wide-eyed at the silver-haired hero brought a soft smile to his face.  

Even Zack had never ventured in there, let alone was even invited in, but perhaps it was only because his own place was two doors down.  Sephiroth had stepped into his apartment once to wait for him before a meeting as Zack was running a bit late, and Zack never did understand why the man bothered to be late to the meeting himself for Zack's sake.  He remembered that day, despite Sephiroth's slight annoyance in his tardiness, that they walked to the meeting together at a surprisingly slow pace.  Strolling, even, and of course Shin-Ra affairs were the main topics of conversation, but even a bit of personal business was brought up between them.  It was nice to have someone to talk to, and perhaps Sephiroth was just in need of some company, as this was after the loss of Genesis and Angeal.  

Some company …, Zack thought, brushing his hand across Cloud's forehead.  We all need that sometimes, don't we, Cloud?


~*~*~

It was so warm; his whole body enveloped in both a natural heat, and the heat from a tender embrace.  The first thing he saw when his eyes blinked open were the array of bright orange hues of the sun setting past a familiar window.  The white walls were dusted with the luminance of the evening, lined with the shadows of the blinds, creating a sense of comfort, and what Cloud thought would feel like security.

Perhaps it was the blankets tucked around him that made him feel secure, or perhaps it was the body he lay against with arms that held him both strongly, yet gently.  It took him no time to realize who he lay nuzzled against, and before his eyes could even adjust to this person, the man's name was already rolling from his lips.   
    
"Zack ..."

Zack breathed in softly, as if he was beginning to doze himself and the sound of Cloud's voice had woken him up.  The hand that he had placed against Cloud's forehead instantly began to resume the caressing that it had been doing as the boy slept.  "Hey, have a nice snooze?"

"How long was I asleep for?" Cloud said, drowsiness lingering in his voice.

His hand didn't stop stroking his face as he stared down at him.  Zack was propped up against the simple headboard of his bed and the man had pulled Cloud into his lap as he slept, and the blankets were draped around them both.  "About two hours.  You didn't want me to wake you."

"Were you w-watching me the whole time?"

"Yep," he said casually, his voice light with content.

"... Why?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"... Weren't you bored?"

"How could I be?"  That content tone never wavered as he answered, each word confident.

Cloud began to sit up but the muscles in his shoulders and back tensed, sending a strike of pain and imbalance through his body.  He stuttered out a groan and lowered himself back down onto Zack's lap unwillingly.

"You okay?" Zack said, smoothing Cloud's hair away from his face to see a pained look in his eyes.

"Y-yeah," he finally muttered, his head nodding a little, "I think I over did it a bit in the gym."

Zack stared down at him incredulously.  "The gym?"  He paused, as if waiting for Cloud to say otherwise.  Why in the hell was he going to the gym in his condition?  "Are you sure you should be doing that!?"  Zack hadn't realized how loud he had snapped that.

Cloud finally sat up, careful not to cause himself any more discomfort, or perhaps it was to fool Zack that he was fine.  "... Why ... wouldn't I be ...?" he said slowly.  Why ... would Zack ask him something like that?

They stared at each other, both trying to look into the other and dissect their words and now cautious behavior between them.
  
Zack offered up a rather silly-looking grin – goofy and somewhat unbelievable.  "B-because ... you know," he started, tossing around any possible excuse for saying something so particular and particularly suspicious.  "... You might make the other guys jealous in there."  He rather lamely squeezed Cloud's upper arm, as if Cloud was flexing, and he was testing the strength of his muscles.

Cloud suddenly looked irritated and shrugged Zack's hand away.  "Are you patronizing me?"

"No, no!" Zack said, forcing a chuckle.  "Sorry, I tend to say stupid things when I'm happy."

"Happy?"  That irritated look dissipated into one of curiosity.  "Something good happened today?"

"Well ... yeah.  I was having a shitty day, and I came home to find a present sitting by my door."

"A present?"  Cloud tilted his head back to get a better look at Zack.

"You, of course."

"Oh please, Zack," Cloud said, rolling his eyes – something he seldom did, save for when they were together.  "You really do say stupid things."

They laughed together then, but Cloud stopped short as another twinge of pain crept through his shoulders and he winced once more.

"If you're that sore, why don't you take a hot shower?  It might loosen up your muscles."  He danced his fingertips across Cloud's shoulder as if to simulate the water from the shower, or perhaps it was just to get him to smile.

He didn't smile, however, but swallowed – hard, in fact.  He looked nervous for a brief moment, but then that smile that Zack wanted to see tugged onto his face as he spoke.  "Yeah, that could work."

Zack stood first and watched as Cloud climbed out of the bed carefully.  Cloud's knee wobbled slightly, and Zack wrapped his arms around him to steady him, but played it off as if it was just a simple hug.  "Good, let's get it ready for you."

Cloud pulled away and had another grimace on his face, but not one from pain.   "Um ... you can use it first, if you wanted.  I can wait."

Zack laughed heartily, releasing him from his grasp.  "Do I stink?  Sorry, I told you I had a long and shitty day."  He watched as Cloud looked away and began to nibble on his bottom lip.

"Why ... don't we take one together?" Cloud nearly whispered.

Now it was Zack's turn to swallow hard.  He could almost feel himself break out into a sweat at the boy's words and he tried to still his eyes that flickered on Cloud in disbelief and hesitation.  

There were plenty of reasons to say yes, but only one reason to say no.  After all of the times that he had joked with Cloud about showering together, after all the times he made obvious innuendos of different intent to shower together, how could be possibly and seemingly ignore all of that?

But Cloud was trying to continue the facade of a progressing relationship, one not hindered with lurking demons, and Zack only hoped that it was for a taste of normalcy.  Perhaps it was Cloud's personal way of coping, to trick himself into thinking that what happened to him was just part of some far-off nightmare that only existed when things weren't moving forward.  Zack didn't know if that was a healthy approach, yet somewhere he believed there was more to it than that.  There had to have been something or someone else pulling the strings of Cloud's behavior and erratic decisions.

It was Mejia, of course, but exactly what was said to Cloud would probably forever be hidden.  And that was the one reason why Zack felt like he should say no.  What if Cloud would start to think that Zack was trying to take advantage of him, as well?  But if he said no, Cloud would surely pick up on Zack's awareness of the incident.

He hadn't realized that Cloud was tugging on his arm and pulling him into the bathroom.


~*~*~

Clothes were shed tentatively, as well as brief glances shared.  The hiss of the shower could have been a soothing element to the nervousness that played between them, but it went ignored as the hamper was clumsily filled with a SOLDIER uniform, and the sink counter was covered with a neatly folded exercise outfit.

There was a sharp screech of the curtain rings scraping across the shower rod, and one was left to wonder why metal curtain rings were used for a metal bar.  Steam began to billow from the tub, crawling through the air with the heat of the water quickly following it, merging together to surround the room in a relaxing comfort that only a shower could bring, and only if it was chosen to be enjoyed.

Cloud stepped in first after Zack tested the water, and he was trying to mask his obvious hesitation.  He tried to tell himself that it was only showering, but when Zack stepped in after him and closed the curtain, that metallic screech was almost like an audible representation of his inner thoughts.  At least he wasn't the one screeching, so he had some form of hope that he could get through this when things turned sexual.

"Warm enough?" Zack asked quietly, reaching up and adjusting the stream lower so it didn't hit the shorter boy in his eyes.  It was then that Zack realized how much taller and formed he was compared to Cloud.

Cloud was, in all respect, fairly small.  And now Zack was able to catch a better look at his nude body, not to ogle, but to try and assess his physical condition.  He had never seen him without clothes, so he still didn't quite know what he looked like normally, but he had a general idea of what a boy of his age and height should look like.  Cloud was lean, but wasn't malnourished, much to his relief.  He had some good muscle forming, especially in his upper arms and pecs, and Zack nearly chuckled over how not five minutes before he was jokingly squeezing Cloud's biceps.

His thighs were a bit thin, but were proportionate with his calves.  His feet were slightly larger for being so short, but he was still young and would grow into them; it was endearing.   His bottom was … so cute.

Zack felt a bit funny for thinking that, but it really did look like the backside of a woman.  He glanced down at his hands, then back to Cloud as the blond turned to reach for the bar of soap, and Zack could do nothing but picture his hand covering those cheeks and squeezing ….

What the fuck is wrong with me!?  I shouldn't be thinking this ….

He scoffed at himself inaudibly when he realized he was getting an erection.  It was pathetic – they were just showering together.  They hadn't even done anything sexual, let alone even come into contact with each other, and here he was with a pathetic and raging hard-on.  Zack blinked as he saw Cloud suddenly lower down to his knees in front of him, and his heart stopped in his chest.  He should have been paying more damn attention to Cloud than to his urges.  Had he collapsed?

"Shit, what happened?" Zack said, his voice slightly panicked.  "Are you ok-"  He then sucked in a sharp breath as he felt Cloud's mouth surround his member and begin to suck on him slowly.  "Cloud!"  He looked down at him dubiously, watching as the boy hadn't collapsed, but simply kneeled in front of him.  It wasn't to pleasure him, but to suck him off.

Cloud responded with what sounded like a disinterested grunt, but over the hiss of the shower and the scolding of his brain, he couldn't exactly tell.
  
The water was warm, trickling down his body, heightening his senses along with the increasing pleasure in his groin.  Cloud's soft hands were grasped firmly against his thighs, squeezing with his movements, bracing himself as he bobbed his head.  It felt … so good, and it would have been even better had Cloud looked like he was actually enjoying it.  Robotic – that was the perfect word to describe what he looked like.  His body was rigid, shoulders squared, eyebrows level, eyes staring straight ahead into Zack's abdomen.  Cloud himself wasn't even aroused.  
    
"Cloud, stop."  Zack wedged his hand between his body and Cloud's chin and actually managed to pry them apart without much resistance from him.  "You don't have to do that."

"But-"

Zack didn't let him come close to finishing the sentence he knew he was going to say.  'But you looked like you wanted me to', or 'But don't we have to?' or any other part of a conversation they already had in the past.  "We're just showering.  That's it."  He wasn't going to let Cloud argue with him either– not after what happened two nights ago and he succumbed to not-so-convincing words, but a really convincing hand beneath his underwear.

The blond stood with Zack's help and he suddenly looked ashamed, his face red and turned away.

"Look," Zack said, then adjusted his tone as it came out sounding irritated, and he then spoke softly.  "I just wanted a shower with you, that's all.  Honest."

Cloud found himself being pulled to Zack's warm chest, and he closed his eyes with a heavy, but inaudible sigh.  He had noticed Zack looking at him not moments before, and he forced himself to not bolt from the shower, especially when he then noticed that the man was aroused.  He was so confused.  Mixed signals were coming from everywhere and were drowning out any of his own ideas or his own thoughts in his head when trying to decide what to do.

"Things ... don't always need to lead to ... sexual stuff, Cloud," Zack whispered, wrapping his arms around him with ease as the water was slick between them.  "Sometimes it's just nice to share something like this together."  He felt Cloud nod against him and he pressed a kiss down onto his wet hair, finally happy that the smell of the infirmary shampoo was gone.  "This is what people who are together do with each other.  Sometimes … there are no strings attached."

Cloud nodded again, thankful that the water was as hot as the tears that were now running down Zack's chest, but the man never noticed.

"Do you understand?"

Zack had meant every single word.  He was glad in the outcome of deciding to shower with Cloud, hoping that it was going to drive the point home that he truly did care about him, and that things weren't the way Cloud pictured them to be between them.  Whatever happened in the past with Mejia left Cloud spun, his views warped on what relationships were made of and what they needed to be.  He couldn't think of any other way to prove to him that this was what love was supposed to be like.  And he hoped that Cloud really did understand as he finally mumbled a quiet yes into his body.

They resumed their shower, standing closer to each other than what they had been, and Zack even managed to get a few chaste kisses to Cloud's head and lips without any tensing or hesitance from the boy.  It was hard for Zack to calm himself and his urges, but he managed.

It was cramped, so they had to switch when one was rinsing and the other one was washing, but that was done with care as to not rub up against the other as they passed by.  Admittedly, it was a bit ridiculous that they were doing what they were doing in such a tiny shower, but there was no doubt that it was a milestone for them, even if it was a strange one.  Perhaps it was what they needed to build that trust that Zack was scared that he was losing.

When they were done, it was obvious that they both had calmed and eased into the experience, and Cloud himself looked peaceful – sleepy even – as they began to towel themselves off.  Zack wrapped his towel around his waist and took Cloud's from his to pat off his back.  The boy was yawning quietly, and Zack folded the towel around his shoulders and gave him a squeeze.  He felt Cloud swaying a bit in his arms.

"Relaxed?"

Cloud nodded a few times, the once quiet yawns now louder and coming more frequently as he pulled away and began to slowly dress himself.

"C'mon, let's go to the room."  Zack was now the one tugging on Cloud's hand and leading him out of the bathroom to his bedroom.  He glanced at the clock – it was a few hours until Cloud would have to supposedly report back in for lights-out, even though he really didn't have to due to the light-duty.  But he knew that Cloud was going to continue pretending like nothing happened and leave when it became a few minutes before nine like he normally would.  Until then, Zack wanted to watch over him for a little while longer.  "Why don't we rest for a while?"

Cloud watched as Zack climbed back into the bed and pulled the covers back for him.  He paused for a moment, then crawled in after him and lay down when Zack urged him to.  He didn't fight it that much as he was tired.  Maybe he shouldn't have worked out at the gym as much as he did.

"If you fall asleep, I'll wake you up before you have to report back in."

"No ... we have a liberty tomorrow."

Zack watched as Cloud turned to his side and faced him, but didn't scoot any closer.  "Wait, you have another liberty?"

"Yeah, today and tomorrow."

"Three days total?"  Two was rare, three in a row was unheard of, even if he knew Cloud was lying about the whole unit having liberty, regardless.

"No," Cloud said, his voice beginning to trail off quickly, "two days.  Yesterday was the first day."

"What?  No, Cloud, yesterday we–"  

"We ... went out for ramen ... remember?"

His mind was reeling, trying to make sense of what he was saying.  Maybe he was just drowsy, maybe he was starting to lose track of the lies, and they were starting to contradict and overlap.  But … it didn't make sense.  It wasn't the days themselves that were the lies.  Zack stared at him, watching him in confusion as Cloud fell asleep, murmuring nothingnesses to himself quietly.  

… That was two days ago, Cloud.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~


… To be continued in Chapter Twenty-Seven: Forced.