~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Chapter Twenty-Eight: Distance

~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Zack was wondering if he should have felt remotely guilty for stealing classified information – plucked right off of Tseng's desk without him even noticing.  He was beginning to find amusement in the thought of outsmarting a Turk, but really, it wasn't all that impressive.  Tseng's back was turned, he saw the folder, and the rest pretty much played out on its own.

But what wasn't amusing was that the report had pretty much nothing new in it that Zack already didn't know on his own from what Reno had told him, and from what he observed with Cloud on his own.  It was actually a report from the psychologist's office on a session with Cloud a few days prior, and it had mentioned weird terms that Zack didn't know, let alone remember, and in the end it was all a wasted effort.  Albeit, an easy wasted effort.

He wanted to say he didn't want to know everything, but that would have been a lie.  He wanted to be able to fill his head with everything that he could, in hopes that he could gain even just a tiny bit of understanding of how Cloud was feeling and what he was thinking.  To be able to look inside his head and share everything, Zack hoped, would allow him to help Cloud discreetly.  If he knew what was said between Mejia and Cloud back in Kalm, then maybe it would help shed some light on everything.

But the report said nothing of the sort.  In fact, it went on to say that Cloud was withdrawn and had showed no improvement on complying with the psychologist with a willingness to talk.  Zack wasn't all that surprised, really.  Cloud was naturally a withdrawn person regardless.

So withdrawn that the mere sight of Zack in the hallway had caused him to turn tail and run.  If he would have given Zack a chance to explain everything, and possibly play it off like he didn't see him coming out of the psychologist's office, then Zack would have been able to tell him that he was going away for a few days, and that he would be back soon.  He didn't want Cloud to worry about him, or wonder where he was.  He didn't want Cloud to feel abandoned.
  
He entered the office and glanced around nervously.  He was thankful that the receptionist was busying herself behind the desk with her back turned as Zack approached.  A quick toss of the folder and his reports onto the desk and he'd be able to leave, unnoticed.  He didn't really think things through before he took the report, and he mildly panicked on how to get it back without anyone noticing.  The only thing he could think of was slipping it in with his report, and hope that it would just be overlooked.

"Oh, Mr. Fair.  Good to see you."

Zack flinched and turned to see the psychologist standing next to him and smiling a little.  He couldn't control the obvious guilty laugh – perhaps even a giggle – that came from him as his hand quickly retracted from the reports that he had set quietly down on the desk, and he scolded himself for not spotting the woman coming from her office.  He was too busy focusing on the receptionist to notice.  "Yeah, likewise," he said, his voice wavering a bit, which he just tried to mask with another laugh.  "Was Cloud just in here with you …?"

"Yes, we had an appointment."

"How's … he doing?"  Zack asked, hesitantly.  He felt stupid for asking such a thing, but it couldn't be helped.

She sighed a little, glancing down to a chart in her hands.  "He still seems really reluctant to speak with me about anything.  How is he with you?"

"About the same."

"Is that your report?"

"Yeah," Zack said quickly, "I can just leave it here on the front desk."  Zack cringed when she ignored him and picked up both folders.  

"That's disappointing to hear.  I had high hopes that he would talk to you.  You two seem close, and all."

"Yeah, that's what I thought … but I guess he just needs more time."

She nodded a few times and flipped through his report, skimming it over.  "So, he hasn't mentioned anything to you at all?"  She wasn't sure if Zack knew about what had happened.  She knew that the company was trying to keep it from him, but Zack seemed like the type to weasel his way around to get what he wanted.  He was an impatient man, she knew.

"Sadly, no."  He fidgeted a little as she closed the folder and looked back up to him with a solemn face.

"Please continue to monitor him."

"Yeah, sure."  He frowned a little, tossing around the thought of just outright asking her about it to see if she would indulge him in perhaps anything that he might have overlooked in the file, or something that Reno might not have known.  "Did something happen that I should know about?  Cloud is acting … a little different since his mission in Kalm."

She didn't speak, but just stared off to the front door where people walked past the windows in the hallway.  

"Not allowed to talk about it, are you?" Zack muttered blandly.

She was about to speak, when Zack's phone rang and stopped her.  

Zack growled a little when he glanced down and saw that it was from Tseng.  He hadn't realized that he was now running late.  "Sorry, gotta go."  

She nodded to him and watched as he began to walk off.  She waited until he got to the doorway to finally finish what she was about to say.  "I don't know any more than you do."

"What?"  He turned slowly.

She sifted through the stack in her hands and brought up the report from Tseng's office.  "But let's keep each other informed with the proper way."

Zack found himself tittering nervously as he rubbed the back of his neck.  "Uh … yeah, sorry 'bout that."  He really didn't know what else to say.

She smirked a little.  "Don't worry, I'll cover for you."

Zack gave her a questioning look, but then nodded and exited the office with a wave.  He wasn't sure why this woman who worked for Shin-Ra would be so willing to help him, and a part of him still didn't trust her, but there was also something there that he couldn't quite put his finger on.  There was a sort of faint aura of frustration or disgruntlement that he picked up on when speaking with her, and prior to all of this he wouldn't have noticed it, but since he had been feeling that way towards the company lately, somehow he understood.


~*~*~
The barrack was empty, save for several people bustling about between the lockers and their bunks.  Cloud entered slowly.  He was tired from running from Zack, and he really didn't even know why he did.  Zack knew he was assigned to something, but he couldn't think fast enough to just play it off.  He wasn't expecting to see him, and when he did he just froze.  There was no other way to describe how he felt but stupid, really. It hardly occurred to him that Zack said he needed to speak with him about something, and he didn't realize until he had already fled and reached the barracks.  

Ratcliff was at Cloud's bunk packing a seabag and chatting with the boy named Pawn who was a few bunks over.  He turned as Cloud approached and flashed him a quick smile, but then immediately looked down to what he was doing, and his conversation with Pawn tapered off.

Cloud felt awkward immediately, as they hadn't been talking much lately, and he really didn't know why.  He couldn't think of a reason why things would make Ratcliff distant with him, but maybe he was just being careful around him.  It irritated him a bit, but he would rather hold onto the interaction, rather than have none at all, even if it was strange.  

"Hey, Cloud.  How you doing, yeah?  Haven't seen you much."

Cloud watched as Ratcliff busied himself with packing, and it occurred to Cloud what he was doing then.  "What's going on?"

"Just a mission.  We haven't been briefed–"

"Mission?  What mission?  To where?" Cloud said, almost frantically.

"Cloud, we haven't been briefed on it."  Ratcliff glanced up to Cloud to see him looking worried and he wasn't even trying to hide it.  In fact, he looked worried when he first came in.  "Don't sweat it, yeah?  We're leaving in about an hour.  Shouldn't be more than a few days."

"But where are you guys going?  I mean, who are you going with?"  He was glancing into the seabag, trying to get an idea for what type of mission it was with what Ratcliff was packing, but it was just all the general provisions.

"It'll be me, Haskin and Pawn under 2nd Class Luxiere."

Cloud nodded a few times, his eyes still looking over what Ratcliff was packing.  "Just a routine thing?"

"I guess so, yeah.  Like I said, we haven't been told anything, but it'll be fine, Cloud.  Don't worry so much."  Ratcliff finished packing the seabag and closed it up.  There was nothing else left to take his attention out on, and he thought about reorganizing what he had already packed so it fit better, but it was only because he didn't want to look at Cloud and speak to him with eye contact, even though Cloud probably wouldn't make it with him anyway.

"This Luxiere … is he good?  I've never worked with him."

Ratcliff shrugged and began to fiddle with some of the straps on the bag, readjusting them and buckling them once more.  "I hear he's okay.  Kinda unsure sometimes, but capable.  Haskin will be there, and you know how reliable he is, yeah."

Cloud nodded again, but it was a bit less confident.  "I just …"  Cloud trailed off.  He didn't know why, but a feeling of dread washed over him, but there really wasn't any reason to feel this way.  They went on missions all of the time, it was a normal and expected part of their duty.  In fact, that's what they were there and signed up for.  So for Cloud to be worried over the norm was surprising, even for himself.  He knew he fussed over things probably more than he should have lately, and he tried to calm his thoughts.

He was paranoid, and he knew it, but couldn't help it.

"So, were you with Zack a lot?  I only saw you one night this week in your own bunk."

"Yeah," Cloud said, sitting on his bunk next to the seabag, "I stayed over there a few nights."

"Yeah?"  Ratcliff finally looked at Cloud, studying his rather bland facial expression, and now he worried that since Zack wasn't aware of what happened, something might have progressed between them not of Cloud's will.  He wondered how to word his question lightly, but his options were limited.  "Everything … go okay?"

"Fine."

"Did … anything happen?"

Cloud looked at Ratcliff funny, but then it slowly registered and he looked away, a little red.  "No.  Nothing."

Ratcliff rubbed the back of his neck, frowning.  "That's … good, yeah?"

"I guess."

They fell silent for a while, and the sounds of the other men in the barrack making things seem awkward and almost tension-filled.  Cloud glanced at Ratcliff who finally ran out of things to busy himself with in avoidance, and their gaze met.  Ratcliff greeted Cloud's timid smile with one of his own, and he patted the top of the seabag.

"Well, I'll tell you all about it when I get back, yeah?"

"Sure ..." Cloud said quietly, nodding.

Ratcliff nodded as well, still patting the top of the bag.  "Yeah."

"Hey … Ratcliff?"  Cloud's mouth twitched to the side as he paused momentarily.  "How's Graves doing?"

"I don't know, yeah."

"You haven't heard from him at all?"

Ratcliff shook his head quickly, turning away from the blond.  "No, Cloud, I haven't."

"Well, how long is he in the boot camp for?"

"I don't know," Ratcliff said, sighing.  

"I mean, is it going to be for a few months or–"

"Cloud, I said I don't know!" he shouted.

Cloud looked away in shock.  He pressed his lips together, his eyebrows wrinkling over his narrowing eyes.  When he spoke, his voice came out wavering and full of what Ratcliff could only assume was either embarrassment or shame.  "I'm sorry, I just–"

Ratcliff cut him off again as he picked up his seabag and swung it over his shoulder with a quiet grunt.  "Look, I don't know anything Cloud, so just stop asking, yeah?  I don't have any answers for you!"

Cloud's eyes flickered down towards the floor as his head slowly followed in a meek nod.  "Sorry."

"I have to go," he said, irritated.  "I'll see you in a few days, yeah."

Cloud just nodded a few more times as Ratcliff walked to the front of the barrack with Haskin and Pawn, and they left with the heavy shutting of the door.

Ratcliff's voice rang through his head a few times as he sat there in disbelief for quite sometime, and he felt a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach from the man's tone and words.  He didn't know what to make of it.  Everything was just weird, and he didn't know why.

Cloud groaned to himself and climbed onto his bed, alone in the barracks.  It was quiet, just the gentle buzzing of the lights above, and the hum of the air ducts in the shower area.  He lay there, racking his memory for anything that would explain Ratcliff's behavior, and he vaguely recalled speaking with him in the inn in Kalm after the incident.  He remembered the lights from the festival shining into the room from somewhere behind him, which made him think that he had his back to the window most of the night.  He remembered sitting up, so he could only assume that he was leaning against the wall under the window, and he vaguely recalled a cold sensation on his back.  He could recall the sound of running water, and then a presence beside him through the night.

But not much else.  He remembered bits and pieces of conversation, but couldn't compile it into any sort of sentence or context that would make sense to him.

Protect … protecting.  Those were the main words that floated through his mind when he tried to replay everything to himself.  It was Ratcliff's voice, and his own.  He figured Ratcliff had probably apologized for not being there to help him with Mejia, but there was something in the back of Cloud's mind that was telling him that it was about something else, or someone else.  And he couldn't help but think about Graves.  His thought process was muddled, mixed with strange feelings and intuitions that continued to nag at him, and yet he wasn't so sure he should be believing them.  It was hard to push past those feelings, however, and since he was released from the infirmary, Ratcliff had been acting strange whenever he was around him.

Although he really hadn't interacted with him much since then, but what little time they did spend speaking with each other, it was usually very awkward … almost forced.  He couldn't put his finger on it, and he couldn't help but worry that maybe he had done something or said something that he couldn't remember that would have made things strange between them.  He felt as if everything lately was his fault, and yet really had nothing backing up those thoughts but an empty memory.

And he didn't like the sound of the mission that Ratcliff had been assigned.  Although it wasn't entirely unheard of that the details of a mission weren't disclosed until arrival, he still couldn't stop himself from thinking the worst of the worst now, after Elici.  With Graves gone in SOLDIER, he felt as if Ratcliff was his only friend left, besides Zack, of course.  Ratcliff was always there with him, and they always seemed to be fortunate enough to be paired together in missions and in training due to their similar abilities and capabilities, and they had always been pretty much inseparable, even if they weren't even trying to be.  The luck of the draw just played out for itself for them, and now that he was being left behind, whether it was for medical reasons or not, it still felt strange.

He had an overwhelming feeling of alienation lately, and even felt that way with Zack, despite spending the past few days with him.  He felt as if there was some sort of wall between them that he couldn't break down, and he knew what it was, but didn't want to address it in fear of it becoming an even bigger wall formed from pity.

Cloud didn't know what else to do but lie there and hope that his mind would give him a break if he were to fall asleep.  But somehow he knew that wouldn't happen.  


~*~*~
It had taken a few good long hours to reach Junon, but the helicopter finally touched down on a landing pad, and Zack was immediately escorted by infantrymen right into another helicopter.  He barely had enough time to stretch, let alone breathe in the salty air, before he was urged into another craft and lifted to the skies once again.

And the flight wouldn't have been so bad had he anyone to really talk to.  The pilots of both helicopters seemed to be oblivious to his presence, even when he had left his seat to clamber up to the cockpit and attempt to drum up a conversation out of boredom.  But he was just coldly informed by both of the men to return to his seat and await for further instructions from either them or the personnel in ground control.  If this was supposed to be a vacation, why did he feel like it was a top secret mission?

So he spent the duration of the second half of his flight over the ocean towards Costa del Sol doing nothing but listening to the beating of the rotors and his own nagging thoughts.  They were scheduled to land on a large carrier for refueling, but it ended up being more of a massive cargo ship than anything else.  He was hoping it would have some cool machinery to gawk at so he could occupy his mind with for a few hours, as the helicopter was serviced, but he was informed that he wasn't allowed to leave the helicopter.  That was, until enough whining on his part about his bladder won him time to slip away and stretch his legs.

He poked around for a bit, but really found nothing of interest but a few men to chat with, mostly about Shin-Ra, and a quiet part of the deck towards the stern to stare off into the blue waters for about twenty minutes.  He was surprised that he was able to detach himself from his thoughts for that time, and was able to just enjoy the breeze for a while without much going on in his head.

But soon they had sent an escort to collect him, and he found himself begrudgingly making his way back to the pad to board the helicopter again.  Zack tried to fool the escort by saying he still hadn't found the bathroom yet to buy more free time, but as intimidated by Zack that he seemed, he still was rather firm in having him return to the helicopter.  Zack entered the helicopter without even so much as greeting the pilot like he normally would, and sat without even bothering to put on the aviation headset like he normally would to chat, even when he was instructed to.  He just sat for the remainder of the flight, staring out the tiny window and watching the sun sink down past the ocean.

It was a beautiful sight.  The sunset was pure towards this side of the planet.  The air around Midgar was so stale and teeming with pollution that Zack could never tell if the colors being painted across the evening sky were true or not.  

But here, the strength of the sun was contained in the darkening blue sky, reflecting a glowing light underneath the clouds that were stretched about.  The peaks were stained dark with shadows, softening them as the sun lowered, causing them to blend in with the sky.   Pure yellow, pure orange; the colors shimmered across the calm waters, bringing about a tranquility that was unrivaled.  He only wished that he could be watching it with Cloud, and watching it on better terms.


~*~*~
The flight had finally ended a few hours later, and Zack was surrounded by a warm rush of humid air and the smell of fuel mixed with a hint of a tropical breeze.  He had expected to be greeted by alluring women in bikinis once he stepped onto the helicopter pad, but he was only greeted by a disinterested embark bubba on the deck who simply informed him to report to the local inn to check into a room, and that was it.

Zack had stood there for a bit, just looking around almost in disbelief.  That was it.  No orders, no commands, no time frames or paperwork.  He was left with nothing but idle time.  Zack didn't have time to have idle time, and the more he thought about it, the more enraged he became.

He had never really heard of anyone going on a 'mandatory' vacation before.  In fact, he never really heard of any of the 1st Classes going on vacation before at all.  Angeal had taken one night off to be dragged along to a LOVELESS play with Genesis, and afterwards swore he would never take a day off again.  Either the play was that bad, or Genesis made for embarrassing company if he had been reciting the lines along with the actors like how Zack imagined him to do.  But other than that, Angeal and Genesis both seemed to work hard and all the time for the company.

Sephiroth had never taken a vacation before either, but then again he was rather secretive and never disclosed anything personally, at least, not with him.  He would disappear at times for days and weeks on end, but Zack would always assume it was work related.  Sephiroth never showed any sort of need to go on a vacation, as his demeanor usually stayed his usual cool level, and never had he seen him look stressed or flustered over SOLDIER.

So why had he been suddenly whisked away to this paradise with less than an hour's notice?  Was this some sort of punishment?  Shin-Ra's polite way of slapping him on the wrists for something?  With threats of AVALANCHE lurking about, with Genesis missing and his copies popping up everywhere, and with Mejia on the run, this hardly seemed like the time to have Zack scooting off to build sandcastles on the beach and drinking in the sun.

He had made his way to the inn and checked into a room.  It was all very anti-climatic.  A simple hello, a bit of silence as the man behind the counter registered him and gave him the key to the room, and even the room itself wasn't anything spectacular.  He was expecting an ocean front view, a minibar, jacuzzi bathtub, whatever else that would make it seem more like a vacation rather than just another assignment.

On closer inspection, his balcony actually had a view of the ocean, but that was beside the point.

He sat on the balcony for quite some time, just listening to the waves of the ocean slapping up against the shore, and after sometime sitting and thinking, he forced himself to try and see no point in being cynical any longer.  What was done, was done.  He was there, and perhaps he should try and make the most of it since he would continue to be there for a few more days.  He only hoped that Cloud would be okay without him.  He wasn't even able to tell him that he was leaving, and he had sent Kunsel a quick text message requesting that he tell the boy where he was, but he never got a response from him.  At that point, Zack wasn't surprised.  

He didn't even bother unpacking anything into the closet or the small dresser that was in the room.  All he did for the rest of the night was shower and slip into bed.  His thoughts were varied, but mostly consisted of Cloud in all aspects.  

Worry, joy, love, lust … each emotion formed the majority of his mind that night.  He even felt guilt for feeling any of those feelings.  He didn't want to worry about him; Cloud had strength and will, even if the boy himself didn't show it, and Zack knew he'd be able to overcome eventually.  He didn't want to feel joy; he knew Cloud probably wasn't feeling anything remotely joyful as of late, and didn't want to be the only one feeling it.  He didn't want to feel love; he feared that he would be selfish and confess his feelings for Cloud and run the risk of Cloud forcing himself to love him back.  He didn't want to feel lust; it made him lose control of himself, urging him to ignore intuition and make reckless decisions.

So what was he supposed to feel?  How was he supposed to act?

Zack had glanced at his phone again.  It was strange to him.  Usually he would have new messages in his inbox from Lazard, or from the SOLDIER fan clubs, hell, even spam messages.  But there had been nothing.


~*~*~
He had fallen asleep with his open phone in his hand, as if he were to watch it something would happen.  In the morning, he awoke to a dead cellphone and an amazingly bright day.  The skies were vibrant, as was the ocean, and his stomach was loud in its complaint for food and drink.  He changed into civilian clothes – shorts and a tank top – and made his way down to one of the livelier-looking bars that didn't seem to care that it was barely even noon.  

Loud and upbeat music flowed into the stone streets, filling his ears with a sense of relaxation, although he knew it wouldn't last when he got bored of the bar scene and he was left with just himself and his thoughts on a quiet beach with nothing to do.  But for now, the place was filled with happy patrons, dancing together off in the corners to the music, or happily slumped over the bars and asking for more alcohol in a less than coherent voice, and so far it was plenty distracting.    

Zack asked for a drink up at the bar once he found a good spot to wiggle his way through between the crowd, and at first the bar hostess asked to see his ID with a pretty smile, and he flashed her an equally pretty smile back instead, and soon his taste buds and thirst were rewarded with a cold beer.  A spot finally opened up at the bar, and he nestled onto the seat somewhat comfortably and began to somewhat enjoy his drink.

Three different hostesses with three different pretty smiles later, and Zack had already started a decent tab, and was by then quite comfortable and was more than enjoying his drinks.  He hadn't realized how strung out he felt lately until the muscles in his shoulders seemed to lower as did his ability to walk straight once he got up to play a game of darts off in the corner of the bar.

The room was spinning nicely, his mind finally able to ramble in a way that didn't remind him of every little thing that was bothering him.  It was constantly going, but of nothing in particular – mostly of just what was in front of him and around him.  But even then he had a hard time hanging onto his surroundings for more than a few seconds before something else crammed its way into his brain to keep his thoughts occupied.

Zack mumbled an apology to someone he bumped into as he swaggered his way over to the dartboard, and was mumbled an apology back with a dismissive pat on his shoulder.  He played a few rounds, he even got a few people to join him, which aided in taking his mind off of everything.  But he couldn't help but think of Cloud when he noticed that one of the people he was talking with was blond.  It no longer seemed as if the alcohol was keeping up with his thoughts anymore, so he said his goodbye, paid his tab, and left.


~*~*~
The first day in the psychologist's office was nerve-racking.  He was on edge since eight in the morning to five thirty in the evening when the office would close.  He hadn't gotten much sleep the night before and he felt that his attentiveness to the instructions he was given on how to do the job properly was affected because of it.  He found himself unable to concentrate easily on the tasks he was given, and would occasionally mess up one or two times while filing paperwork, or getting confused on how to operate the phone lines.  He lost count of how many callers he accidently hung up on.  Answering phones was never his strong point.

And each time the psychologist would pass by him, he would expect her to watch him intently, study him, but she merely just gave him one or two things to do and that was it.  She hardly paid any mind to him, and maybe it was so he could try and relax in the setting, or maybe she was just busy doing her job with her other patients.

During lunch time he opted to head down to the cafeteria.  He didn't want to use the breakroom in the office; he didn't know anyone there and would feel weird to him to be in close proximity with strangers and not knowing how to strike up a conversation with them.  Especially since they were office workers, and he was infantry.  

But upon arriving in the cafeteria, he realized that he was just as alone there as he would be had he stayed in the office.  No one was there that he knew well, or at least was comfortable enough to sit and talk with.  He forced himself to wander over to a table where Kumpf and Zabalza sat with a few other people from the unit, however, and they greeted him, but seemed generally unaffected by his presence.  A few empty inquiries of how he was doing, but it was more smalltalk than anything.

After a few minutes, when Cloud had settled in, they all began to finish up and stand to leave back to duty.  Kumpf passed Cloud his apple that he didn't get to with a pat on the shoulder, and the group of men left with disinterested partings.  He was alone for the rest of his hour long lunch.  It wasn't so bad, actually, as most of the men filed out to get back to duties, and only a few stragglers were left behind alone as well.  He didn't feel so out of place that way, and he ate the rest of his lunch in a relative peace.

His lunch ended and he reluctantly headed back to the medical ward.  The receptionist stayed for another hour or so afterwards, but then announced that she would be leaving early to start her vacation once she taught Cloud a few more things around the office.  She told him that there was a part-time receptionist that would be there in the morning to help him out for most of the time, but for the rest of the day he would be on his own.

Cloud panicked a little, but the office was slow and according to the receptionist, a 'moogle could do this job'.  She reviewed the phone system one more time with him before leaving.  And now he was alone in the office.

He was nervous for a while, and each moment he would glance at the phone and fear that it would ring, or that someone would walk through the door and request something from him that he had no idea what it was.  Forms, files, invoices … he was lucky enough at that point to even know where the stapler was located, let alone anything important that might be needed from anyone.  

He knew where the clock was, however, and couldn't help but stare at it, willing it to move faster.  The day was dragging, and the fact that it was Thursday and close to the weekend meant nothing to him.  In Shin-Ra, weekends didn't mean anything.  The infantry units were constantly working, getting liberty here and there on no set day, even the offices seemed to function on Saturdays and some even on Sundays.  He knew this office was closed on Sunday, so he had to get through two more days, and hopefully by Monday his assignment would change.  Perhaps he could talk to some of the operatives and request that his light-duty be lifted.

But it was interesting for him to see some familiar faces coming into the office and having appointments with the psychologist.  Upon inspecting the appointment books, he even recognized some names in there as well.  It was no one he knew personally, but it was almost comforting to him, knowing that he wasn't the only one that was seeing her, whether it was against his will or not.  He knew that there were others, that would just be a silly thing to believe otherwise, but he couldn't help but feel like he was the only one in the entire company that was sitting on that couch for that uncomfortable sixty minutes under her gaze.

"Are you doing okay?"

Cloud snapped his head up, unaware that it was even lowered.  He blinked a few times and glanced around dazedly.  He was also unaware that he had even closed his eyes as well.  The blonde psychologist came into his view beside him, and he just nodded sheepishly.

"Sorry, it's just … slow right now."

"And yet you have a pile of charts that need to be filed away next to you," she said, amused.

Cloud frowned a little and scooped them up.  "Sorry, Ma'am."

"Did my three o'clock appointment cancel?"  She was glancing down to the chart and flipping through the pages that Cloud had turned when his curiosity got the better of him and he started to search for more familiar names.  

"I … don't know.  Sorry."  Cloud hurriedly began to file the charts alphabetically.

"Oh, next time, please use pencil."

"What?"  Cloud turned to face her, and she was shaking her head a little down at the book.

"You used pen to fill in the appointments.  Use pencil next time.  When people cancel, we can erase their name and write over with other appointments."

"Sorry."


She stopped flipping through the appointment book and looked up at him.  The light from above was reflecting on her glasses, and he couldn't see her eyes but still felt them looking him over.  "May I be frank with you, Cloud?"

No, you may not, he thought.  "I guess so," he said.

"You apologize too much."

Cloud turned back to face the shelves where he continued to file the charts.

"When you're sorry about something, what do you usually feel?"

He paused for a brief moment.  "I don't know.  Like I want to fix what I did wrong so I don't do it again," he said, shrugging his shoulders dismissively, hoping that the conversation would end quickly.  All day she hadn't interacted with him, and now with only a few hours left of the day, she decided to strike up an unnerving conversation.

"Being apologetic is a good thing, it really shows that you're caring and that you strive to make others happy.  But being proactive, finding a solution to show that you're sorry can speak volumes."

"Okay ..."

"It's okay to feel sorry, but there are other ways to let people know that you feel that way, other than just saying the word."

Cloud continued to file the charts, even slower this time.  He was running out of things to occupy himself with, and when he was done he knew he'd have to turn back around and look at her as she stood there still speaking this nonsense.

"For example, you could have said, 'Now that I know, I will use pencil next time'.  That is a possible alternative.  It shows that you're aware of the mistake, and that you're willing to make an effort to prevent it from happening again."

"Then, I'll use pencil next time," he said quietly, finally putting away the last of the charts.  At this point he would say whatever he could to get her to go away.

"That's a good start.  I think if you tried this, it might help you gain a little confidence in yourself and those you interact with."

Cloud was compelled to roll his eyes.  It sounded as if she were reading this off to him straight from a textbook.  He already knew he apologized a lot, but there were times where he felt as if he couldn't do anything but say sorry.  And there were things that he was sorry for that he had no idea how to take any sort of action to right it.  He knew what she meant didn't apply to all situations, but he couldn't help but feel a bit cynical over the whole concept.

He finished filing the charts, and thankfully she had finished her preaching and went back into her office.  Most likely to study more textbook jargon that she could throw at him for the remainder of his time there that week.

The rest of the afternoon seemed to go a bit faster, and it wasn't until he noticed that he had dozed off again did he realize why it went by faster.  Normally he would give his full devotion to any sort of job that was given to him, but today it had been so droll that he couldn't possibly focus his all on it.  The receptionist had been right, a moogle could have done this job.  Despite falling asleep, he managed to get all of the tasks given to him done, with minimal errors.  At least, errors that he knew about.  Come morning when the part-time receptionist came, who knew what mistakes she would find.

The lights were shut off, and an awkward but brief farewell was said between him and a few members of the staff, and he hurriedly made his way down to the cafeteria again.  He assumed it was about dinnertime by now for the unit, and thought that he could perhaps try and sit with a few of the other men again.

His unit was there, but unfortunately the table with Kumpf and Zabalza was full, so he found a little spot on a table in the corner of the room to sit and eat.  He sat down and a man from another unit struck up a brief conversation with him, but it was mostly complaining about the texture of the cornbread being too dry, and then the man got up to throw it away, and never came back.  So Cloud once again spent his meal alone, but this time it wasn't so peaceful.  Even though his day wasn't too bad, he still felt bothered by it, and it wasn't until he noticed some SOLDIERs walking past did he realize what was bothering him.

There was still that conversation that Zack wanted to have with him, and he didn't know what it was about.  Perhaps Zack had found out about the incident in Kalm, or perhaps Zack didn't want to deal with him anymore and was breaking off ties with him.  Or maybe he was going to ask him out on another date.  Cloud had no clue, and it was nagging at him all day without him realizing it.  

He couldn't finish his dinner anymore, and he wasn't sure if it was because the cornbread really was so dry that it made him lose his appetite, or because he began to worry.    He threw whatever was left of his lunch away in the trash and exited the cafeteria.  He reached the 1st Class SOLDIER floor and entered Zack's code and slipped inside.  The hallway was quiet, as usual, and didn't help distract him from his nervousness.

Zack looked a little upset when he had tried to speak with him, but it didn't seem like it was necessarily towards him, or so he hoped, so he willed himself to knock on the door.  He shifted on his feet a bit and listened to the painful silence in the hallway, and coming from Zack's place.  He knocked again after a few moments went by, and then sighed heavily when he didn't answer.

A small part of him was relieved that he didn't answer, so he didn't have to find out what Zack wanted to talk to him about, but he was mostly disappointed.  Reflecting on his day, he decided that seeing Zack would have made it all seem less lonesome and bothersome.

He left after waiting for a few more moments and decided he would come back to see him the next day.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~
… To be continued in Chapter Twenty-Nine: Caged Bird.