Absolution I: Forsaken

Disclaimer: The girl with blue hair, who actually gets a name in this chapter, and the plot, are mine. Seifer isn’t, though I wish he were.

WARNINGS: Solo (with yaoi bondage fantasies), severe angst and suicidal thoughts, rough (nearly NC) M/F, though not graphic, and drug use. If any of that bothers you, why are you reading this? Hit the “Back” button a couple of times.

Come on, now,
I hear you're feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain
Get you on your feet again.
~ Pink Floyd- Comfortably Numb
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I know her name now, but she doesn’t know mine. And I’ve got no plans to tell her, either. Mattie's a bitch and a drug dealer, so I ain't gonna trust her one bit, even though what she gives me helps me forget for a while. The reward on my head is too good for anyone to want to pass up, so why should she be any less greedy than the rest of the world? Right now, it’s a relief that she’s off visiting “her suppliers.”

Days blend into one another around here, so I’m not sure how long it’s been since she offered me the first joint, but I’ve smoked no small amount of them since then. Dry mouth, fucked up sense of humor, being hungrier than I ever thought possible, and even the occasional shaky hands are all things I’ve gotten used to by now. Besides, if I want more, all I’ve gotta do is fuck her, even though she’s the last person in the world I’d want otherwise.

That’s because she’s not Squall, isn’t it?

Sadly, that’s the truth. While I’m pounding into her, feeling her nails in my back and hearing her moans, my mind keeps picturing her as someone else. Someone I thought I hated, thought I never wanted to see again. That’s the only way I can keep myself hard. She, or any girl, does nothing for me. But Squall…now that’s someone to think about while jerking off. Hyne, even picturing him is getting me hard.

Since where I’m sitting now is a bit too much in the open, I stand up and move behind a pile of cardboard boxes, sit down again, and undo my fly slowly, sighing with relief before I take off one glove and wrap it around my cock. I close my eyes and begin to imagine him, from the bottom up.

Tight leather pants filled out very nicely by those slender, yet powerful legs of his. Six belts, three around his waist and three around his thigh, making it harder for anyone that might want to get inside those pants. White shirt over slim and powerful aand and chest, leather jacket on top. But what to think about most are his eyes. Bluish-gray and with that scar I gave him in between; when I think about Squall, that’s what always comes to mind.

I move my hand slowly back and forth as I think, teasing myself as I wonder what he’d be like in bed, without those clothes protecting him from everything. Icy bastard doesn’t even know he’s hot, which makes him even hotter. And I wonder what kind of kinks he’s got; with all that leather he wears, there are bound to be some.

My eyes close tightly and I groan, speeding my hand up as I imagine him tied to a bed, totally nude and blindfolded, with no idea of what’s about to happen to him. I’d tease him – lick and nibble and suck on every part of his body aside from his cock until he’s got no choice but to beg to be fucked – and then fuck him senseless. As I keep thinking about this, I keep fisting myself faster and faster until my hips are bucking and I grunt, my seed landing all over my hand and shirt. The shirt’s dirty as it is, so another stain isn’t going to matter much.

Breathing hard, I sit there, not sure of when I started lusting after Squall, but I’m beyond the point of caring because thinking about him inevitably leads to thinking about Ultimecia and the incompleteness I still feel without having her to keep safe.

Nobody should have to feel that, as if a part of his or her soul was just fucking torn away and thrown into the trash, as if everything was pointless and a total waste of time. Why did I want to be her knight in the first place, anyway? It was my “romantic dream,” and I went into it knowing damn well what would happen if she died. I didn’t think she would die, didn’t think that Squall and his ragtag bunch of SeeDs, one Garden student, and the other sorceress herself would actually find a way to kill her. But she is dead and I’m incomplete because of it.

You were complete before she came into the picture and you can be complete now that she’s gone. Whatever happened to the old Seifer, the cocky, arrogant one who didn’t need anybody and did things his own way?

Damn good question. The old Seifer died as soon as Ultimecia did, died the moment Squall finished her off and saved the world. The new Seifer feels incomplete and probably always will because nothing can fill the void cause by losing someone you were bonded to.

I get up after fixing my pants, move back to my usual sitting place, and grab Hyperion, looking at its sharp double blade before I point it at my chest. The tip digs just below my breastbone, drawing a thin trickle of blood, but I don’t fucking care anymore. How much force would ike tke to shove it through my body? Hesitantly, I push a little, but the pain is too much for me to do this slowly. If I’m going to off myself, it’ll have to be fast. Ignoring the blood that’s running in a slightly heavier stream down the middle of my stomach, I lift Hyperion, turn it to my throat, feel the sharp steel against my skin, and close my eyes. Hyne, please let this be painless….

But a fist pounds into my elbow, causing me to first nick the skin of my throat and then drop the blade, growling as I open my eyes and look up, the weirdest blue eyes I’ve ever seen looking back at me. Fuck, Mattie’s back.

The bitch reaches down and slaps me across the back of the head, hands going back into her pockets while she laughs at me harshly. She might make me forget things for a while, but I really can’t stand her. Acted all curious and interested in me at first, only to get her kicks from watching me in a bad mood.

“You’re a fucking coward. Too scared of whatever it is in your past that you keep trying to forget. Oh, and I know who you are now, Almasy. So you better do what I want before I decide to turn you in.”

My eyes widen and my heart races. How in the hell does she know my last name? That means she knows my first as well. But why isn’t she turning me in now, collecting the reward money to blow it on more drugs? All I can do is mutter a single word. “How?”

After another fit of her harsh laughter, she plops down on the ground next to me. “Described you to my supplier. Soon as I mentioned the scar between your eyes, he knew and told me everything I didn’t already know from the news. A lotta people wanna get their hands on you.” Mattie says nothing else for a few moments, just pulls a baggie from her pocket, pills in a multitude of colors inside, and waves it out in front of my face.

“One of these will actually make you feel better, not forget…but you know what you’ll have to do to get it,” she practically giggles. Does the bitch have a thing for me or something? I sure hope not.

I snarl, “Remembering everything is almost better than having to fuck you, you scrawny bitch,” and get rewarded with a punch to the jaw, hard enough to rattle teeth. Hyperion’s still next to me, so I grab my gunblade and point it at her stomach, seeing some fear in her eyes and the sight makes me smirk. It’s been a long time since I scared anyone and she deserves this for stopping me. “If you know about me, then you know I’ve killed people before and I won’t hesitate to make you the next one.”

You couldn’t really kill a defenseless girl. Some training just won’t go away, will it?

Scaring her is enough for now. She won’t hit me again.

I lower the blade, but she still looks scared. Fuck, this anger and enjoying causing fear is bringing back all the wrong kind of memories, and I swear to myself while looking down at the ground and not even noticing if she’s still here or not. It was fun when everyone was scared of me, scared of who I protected and served. They’d do anything I wanted them to, but that’s all fucking over now and I want it back.

A hand touches my shoulder almost soothingly and the voice I hear, while still Mattie’s near-whine, sounds almost concerned.

“I told you I’ve got something to make you feel good, Seifer. If you want it, just pretend I’m someone else or something while you fuck me.” That’s what I’ve been doing, but once it’s all over and my eyes are open again, it’s not Squall that’s beneath me, it’s her. But at the same time, I want to feel anything else for at least a little while, so the game of pretend can continue, I guess.

Rising to my feet, I smirk because I’ll fuck her all right, just do it in a way that’ll help me get rid of some of this anger inside of me. I press her against the wall and slide my hand up her shirt, glad that she’s got almost nothing in the way of breasts because it’s easier to imagine that it’s Squall’s nipples I’m pinching as I bite at her neck and hear the sounds she’s making beneath me, a strange mixture of whimpering in pain and moaning in pleasure. Either I’m just doing things to the right spots, she’s a masochist, or maybe both.

Every other time has been the way she wants it, down on the dirty street or in an abandoned car, but this is on my terms now and she seems to know it. My earlier thoughts about how loose her pants are prove right; a single firm yank is all it takes to bring them down to around her ankles before I spin her to face the wall, only part of my mind registering the fact that she’s not wearing underwear.

Mattie doesn’t move as I undo my fly again and think about Squall while gently stroking myself to get to full hardness, but I watch her take a couple steps to spread her legs more before I get in close behind her, briefly thinking about being cruel and fucking her ass and not her pussy. Deciding to just do this the “normal” way, I position my cock and ram into her hard while my hands grab her hips, noticing that she’s not quite as wet as usual at the same moment I hear her hissing in pain and then mutter, “Not so fucking hard, asshole.”

But hard is just how I plan to do it. She never specified anything, only that if I wanted what she’s got this time; I had to fuck her. My eyes stay closed when my hips begin moving and I imagine that it’s Squall’s ass I’m in right now, Squall’s neck and shoulder I’m biting, Squall’s moans and whimpers I’m hearing.

This fantasizing works well and, although I hear a few more complaints about how hard I’m doing this, they die off after a short while and I just hear sounds, both hers and mine, while thrusting even faster. Time has a funny way of slowing down at moments like this, so I can’t be sure of how long it is before I feel her tightening around me and her entire body stiffening up as she gasps.

Mattie’s got what she wanted, so I stop and pull myself out of her roughly before once again putting myself back in my pants. Yes, I’m still hard, but I’ll take care of that later. She’s not going to do it for me.

She pulls up her pants and grabs the baggie from where it was dropped on the ground, opens it up, and gives me one of them. It’s red, with some weird design stamped into it, but I could care less. All I know is that it’s supposed to make me feel good, and that’s all I care about. After swallowing it with the help of a bottle of water Mattie manages to find and hand me, I just turn away.

Now, to wait for the pill to work. I get myself as far away from her as possible, sitting behind the same boxes I had earlier, and take off my shirt, looking down at the small stab wound. Gingerly touching it reveals that it doesn’t seem too deep and should heal just fine, maybe leaving a scar, but oh, fucking well. If whatever I was given doesn’t help make me feel good, I’ll go somewhere else in this maze of alleys and slit my throat, end it all because there’s no point in living.

I think about it every day, how much I’m a pathetic excuse of a human being and should just die, but today was the first time I actually tried. Ain’t as easy as I thought it would be to kill myself. Maybe Mattie’s right, maybe I am just a coward who can’t face up to my past. The more I think, the more I realize that I’m not feeling quite as bad I was earlier. Seems like whatever she gave me is kicking in.

My head’s beginning to feel disconnected from my body, which suddenly feels really heavy. Up above the buildings around me, the sun’s starting to set and those oranges, reds, and yellows are beginning to swirl with the bright blues that everything in Esthar happens to be. It’s weird to be seeing just a haze of color, but I’m too happy to care.

I haven’t even felt this good after mind-blowing sex, which is really saying something. Time again takes on that weird feeling of not really passing at all as I smile nearly stupidly and watch all the colors, still thinking about Squall and wondering what he’s up to. Probably screwing Rinoa and trying to ignore the spotlight, but that’ll be impossible. It’s not like I’ll ever see him again, so I can fantasize and think all I want, especially when I feel like I do now. Forgetting is still better, though.

On second thought, forgetting isn't better as long as I've got whatever this is in my system. It doesn't even bother me to think about Ultimecia. It's nice to remember when I was in charge and people would do whatever I told them to because they were scared she or I would kill them. Laughing a little at that, I just smile oddly and keep looking at the colors, enjoying this unnatural happiness.

It's dark by the time the drug wears off, and the sounds around me are the typical night ones, though they seem a little louder than usual. What's also worse is my mood.

I don’t deserve to feel good after everything I’ve done and all the failures I’ve made, so I won’t ask her for that shit again. It’s nice and all, but even artificial feeling good is wrong. Nobody who's a failure like I am is entitled to that happiness. It’s nice and alone back here behind these boxes, so I'll stay here a while longer. Will be able to think all I want now. Think, feel like shit, and contemplate death. What a pathetic existence I have now. But I don't deserve any better.
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A/N: Well, that’s the longest and most nearly disturbing chapter I’ve ever written. Mattie’s not going to get any nicer, so don’t review and tell me that you wanna see that. But if you have any other suggestions along with comments and/or things you find wrong with this fic, feel free to drop me a review and tell me, for crying out loud.

Review responses:

tashabot- I thank you for the information on drugs you sent me and more of it will feature in later chapters. Hopefully, you like this chapter and want to see me continue with it.

griffithismine- Well, this was a mix of internal monologue and action for you, Not really sure where I’m going with it just yet, but it’s getting some kind of plot the more I write. Just try to word your comments a bit less confusingly next time, all right?

Havi- Here's some more angst for you to offset all the damned fluff we've been RPing LOL. And thanks for the site, I can never know too much about the drugs I plan on using in later chapters.