~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Chapter Thirty-Three: Unspoken Words

~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Reinforcements finally came, but much too late.  Shin-Ra dispatched a few units from Junon, but they were utilized more as a cleanup crew than anything else.  By the time they arrived, the Genesis copies were dead, and left in the wake were blood-splattered roads, a few hundred bullet holes and the wounded.  The civilian casualties were numbered in the low double digits, which wasn't a large number, but given that the resort was so small, it was a heavy toll.

The clinic was swarmed and overwhelmed.  It certainly wasn't equipped to hold up against such an attack, but order was established by the staff fairly quickly, and with the help of the Turks.  Zack even helped out with going around and healing as best as he could.  Even though Tseng suggested that he rest, Zack couldn't just sit back and watch others work around him without him lifting a finger, despite having cleaned out the copies in town with a beach umbrella.

He made his way through the small clinic where people were placed on gurneys, but when those filled up, they were placed on surgical tables, desks, even the ground.  Whatever they could scrounge up, the injured were deposited on.  He finished tending to a little boy's scraped knee, and Zack couldn't help but smile as all the boy needed was a small bandage strip and then a ruffling of his hair to make him giggle.  At first he was crying as if it was the most painful thing in his young life, and it perhaps was by that point, but then he was distracted by a plush animal from the gift shop and seemed to have forgotten how to be upset.  He didn't know what he just survived through, and it amazed Zack that his childish innocence was able to block everything from affecting him.

After many of the things he had been through, Zack wondered if it would be possible to just distract himself with something and be that blissfully unaware.  And of course,  he thought of Cloud and how he wished that he could be a distraction for the blond and make him happy.

Zack's eye caught a trail of blood on the ground from around a corner where nothing but complete silence was coming from.  There were no staff members, no injured people lining the hallways, nothing but a row of rooms and the lights above.  It was a creepy sight – like something out of a horror movie.  He followed the trail until it led into a room that was nearly destroyed, with the bed practically cleaved in two and nothing but blood lining the floor.    There was a bedside tray that was but a broken heap off to the side and IV lines splayed about, lying beside what was the metal stand.  That was now in two separate pieces with one side dipped in blood.

He stepped in carefully, as if he was entering a homicide scene.  He glanced around the bed for a chart or anything that would give him some sort of inclination as to who was in the room and what could have possibly happened, but then he just scoffed to himself when he realized how daft of a thought that was.  He knew exactly what happened, but perhaps he was in such shock that both Graves and Mejia were in the same town with him that he didn't even notice.  

Mejia had been injured in Kalm by Kunsel, he knew this by the file that he removed from Tseng's desk, but how Mejia made it across the continent with such a wound was a wonder.  And how Graves managed to track him down was a wonder, as well.  Maybe he was underestimating Graves, but he never struck him as the type to be so good at detective work.  That was something left to the Turks to handle, and Zack only wondered if they had any idea of what happened here.

"Know what happened here?"

Zack jumped and turned quickly.  Reno was leaning against the doorway, the sleeves of his uniform rolled up with blood stains on his hands and arms.  He looked a bit tired, but was his usual calm self as he glanced Zack over.

"What?"

"Whaddya mean, 'what'?"  He motioned around to the destroyed room that Zack stood in the center of.  "What happened to the room?"

Zack looked around, sucking in a breath to speak.  He didn't know what to say.  He knew exactly what happened, but he felt conflicted about the truth.  As much as he wanted to go after Mejia, he didn't want to risk putting Graves in danger of getting caught if he were chasing him.  His main concern was Cloud and how he would react to everything, especially if his friend was harmed.

He wasn't even sure if the company was fully aware of Graves going AWOL.  If Cloud didn't know about it, but Ratcliff did, who else did and did not know?  Kunsel must have known, there was no way that he didn't, seeing as he was in charge of the unit, and the fact that he seemed to always be one step ahead of everyone.  Kunsel had a duty to uphold to Shin-Ra, so there was a possibility that he informed the higher-ups about Graves' disappearance already.  Although, he could have withheld the information for the sake of Cloud, or until he thought of how to properly handle it.  He was not one to make impulsive decisions just to appease Shin-Ra fully, but rather thought his actions out carefully, and how to approach certain situations.

And if Zack mentioned Mejia, would it make it seem like that was what was always on his mind?  He didn't want to give off the impression that he was becoming obsessive about hunting the man down.  It had been high up on his to-do list for a while, but seeing how broken Cloud had become, he was trying his best to reset his mind and his priorities.  Maybe the less that he inquired about Mejia and just kept quiet, the less that he would be followed.

He was obviously still being followed, as moments later Cissnei appeared behind Reno, peeking into the room to see what was going on.  He was really tired of seeing these two.

"No.  Not a clue," he said simply.

"Looks like someone had a little dispute about the dinner menu," Cissnei said, stepping in.  She was still wearing that yellow bikini, but was holding her weapon in her hand and looking very out of place.

Reno chuckled, pushing himself away from leaning against the doorframe.  "Mighty big dispute, yo.  Looks more like a war."

"Maybe one of the Genesis copies made its way in here,"  Zack said, trying to mask the nervous lie that wanted to come out.

"'Ey, leave the guessin' to the Investigative Department, yo.  Why don't ya go start packin'?"

Zack's ears perked up and it must have showed because Cissnei stifled a laugh.  "Wait … you mean …?  I'm goin' home?"

"Yup."

Cissnei flashed him a grin.  "No use having you trying to relax on vacation when the whole place has been destroyed."

"That means … I can see …"

The two Turks watched Zack as his previously solemn demeanor shifted quickly to an excitement that only a giddy teenager would get when having someone agree to going on a first date.  In fact, it was like the feeling he had when he went on his first date with Cloud, but this time it was more relief that he would get to see him and protect him than anything else.  There was still a fluttering in his stomach and a skip of his heartbeat, and that was about the best feeling he had had in the past few days.

"The bird leaves in an hour, yo.  Better get goin' if ya wanna get back to see 'im tonight before lights-out.  The flight is long, yo."

Zack nodded, almost gratefully.  "Right, sure thing."  He flashed Cissnei a smile and gave Reno a pat on the shoulder as he passed them.  But he stopped when Reno suddenly spoke, and that flutter in his stomach wrenched into a knot.

"Sure ya don't know what happened here?  If ya know somethin' …"

"No," Zack said quickly, and he was shocked to hear the firmness in his voice, and he could sense that the two Turks were a bit shocked as well.  "I would tell you if I knew anything."  He then changed the tone of his voice to a lighter one.  "But … gotta catch that bird."  He glanced over his shoulder to the two, and they just stood there staring at him.

Eventually, what seemed like an awkward eternity, Reno spoke again.  "See ya at home, Slick."

Zack let out a silent sigh and left.  He wondered if he just made things worse for himself.


~*~*~
Anger, confusion, betrayal – words that felt as if they weren't strong enough to compare to everything that was going on in Cloud's mind.  It was a storm – churning and unpredictable, leaving him disorientated about what to think and who to trust.  It left him feeling foolish for having believed Ratcliff, and for even thinking about confiding in that damned psychologist one bit.

They both knew the truth, but in some warped sense of righteousness they decided to lie to him, to force him to believe whatever they told him or whatever sick memory that would flash in his mind, all with the guise that it would help.  Distorting his already fragile psyche just because some text book or college course told the psychologist that it would benefit him didn't make it morally right, and his trust in her was shattered as quick as it had even briefly appeared.   

And how pretentious it was of the psychologist to think – expect Cloud to not be angry with Ratcliff.  He considered the man to be one of his closest friends, and for him to listen to some … shrink … over his own instinct was enough to make Cloud want to lose whatever shred of sanity he might have had left after everything.  The only thing that was keeping him from remotely losing it was a constant mantra of Zack's name mending the gaps between his tattered thoughts.  

He pushed himself forward, his legs weakened but willing, carrying him through the halls of the building.  It felt aimless at first, but once the elevator opened and he was met with a security door with a keypad, he recognized where he was.  He found his shaking hand scratching against the buttons as his mind searched for the code.  After a moment, he punched in the code, but had entered it incorrectly.  He cursed to himself, his breathing continuing its ragged pace as he tried again, and the little green light flicked on and he stumbled through the door.

The familiar hall was empty with silence, each door that he passed untouched and forgotten.  It felt like forever since he had last been in this hall, and it felt like forever since the last time he had knocked on that door, but it had only been a single day.  And each day before, he had done the same thing.  Cloud had searched for that person, he searched for the comfort that only he could bring, hoping that once he knocked, Zack would be there to open the door.

He had been calm the past few days when he approached the door, but now as he neared, he began to run towards it, as if getting there a moment later would change the outcome.  His hands sought to only knock, but found that they were pounding; he sought to stay strong, but found that he began to cry.  With each thud of his fists on the heavy wood,  the sound was only a reminder of the solitude he had been feeling.  It echoed in the hallway, bouncing off the walls and coming right back to him, resonating in him as he crumbled.

Now, his quiet sobbing muffled the last echo, and he sank to the cold floor with his forehead pressed against the door.  He wanted in.  He wanted to enter the safety of Zack's apartment, away from betrayal, away from his current reality.  But even if he had a key to the door, and even if Zack was inside, he would still be alone.

Cloud now wanted nothing more than to see the man and to put his wavering trust in his arms.  He didn't care anymore, and he couldn't care anymore.  It was getting much too much for him to continue with these thoughts all alone.  He thought he had Ratcliff and he even thought he had the psychologist if he wanted to open up, but now he realized that the only person who would never betray him was Zack.

Maybe Zack would think him weak.  There was a chance that he would judge him, or baby him, even be disgusted with him.  It was something that made Cloud frightened to think about, but coming clean with him and finally opening up with everything that had happened seemed to outweigh any sort of fear or doubt.  

He finally pulled his forehead away from the door and scooted around, leaning against it.  He wiped at his eyes with his gloved hand, but only more tears came rolling down his face.    He was past the point of telling himself how pathetic he was for doing this.  He had accepted it, and now all he could do was rest his head against his knees and stare at the door at the end of the hallway, hoping that Zack would walk through.  

Occasionally, he would hear himself sniffle or sigh heavily, and that was enough to keep him from crying himself to sleep on the ground for a little while.  After what felt like several hours, and perhaps it was, his crying did nothing to stop him from falling asleep.            

~*~*~
The hour went by slower than he would have ever hoped.  He didn't bring much with him for his vacation, but what he did have, he was able to pack back up in record time.  It was a haphazard packing job with his belongings tossed inside thoughtlessly.  He didn't even bother to take a shower to wash the sweat, dirt and sand from him, as he was afraid that he would somehow miss the flight.  So he simply changed from his swimming trunks to his uniform, and then went to leave.  He didn't even bother checking out of the inn as it was completely deserted.  Perhaps the innkeeper was killed, or holed up somewhere in refuge, but Shin-Ra would foot the bill, regardless.

So for the rest of the time, he paced back and forth restlessly on the dock, waiting for the helicopter to finish fueling.  It seemed like forever, but soon he was boarded on the bird and was flying over the ocean towards Midgar.  He had a long flight ahead of him, and it figured that the one time he didn't feel much like talking, the pilot was extra talkative.  He heard the man prattling on over the aviation headset about every little thing that he could possibly think of, and Zack just politely responded without so much as caring.

He immediately had his phone out, hoping that he would have some good news about anything waiting for him in his inbox, but he realized that he had no reception out in the middle of the ocean.  It was closed with a perturbed sigh, and he leaned back in the seat with nothing to do or occupy himself with for the rest of the flight.  All he could do was sit and think.

He seemed to be doing that more often than not, and it was becoming frustrating.  Thinking all of these thoughts, whether it was about Shin-Ra, Mejia or Cloud … none he could act on.  There was nothing worse than having to sit through days upon days of musing, and not being able to do anything about them.             

Forcing time to move faster would only work in his dreams, so perhaps if he were to nap, he would be able to see Cloud again.  So his arms were tucked against his chest, his head leaned against the small window by his seat, but sleep never came.  He tried for about an hour, and then another, but the sounds from the helicopter and his mind were too loud.

Zack opened his eyes after a while when the pilot said they would be landing soon.  He thought that maybe he had fallen asleep through the whole flight, but when he spotted a cargo ship out in the middle of the ocean, he realized it was only to refuel.  It was necessary, but certainly frustrating, as all he did in wait was more pacing, more musing and expending more energy doing this.  

He was very tired, perhaps even grumpy, and wanted nothing more than to get back.  He wouldn't rest, he wouldn't even bother unpacking his belongings.  With his seabag in hand, he would search for Cloud until he found him and held him at least for a moment.  Even if Cloud complained that he smelled of sweat and blood, it wouldn't stop him from that embrace.  A single moment of being near him would wash away any of his previous worry, and perhaps he could spend more time with him that week now that he was back.  

Zack wanted to take him out somewhere, and it didn't matter where.  He just wanted to help take Cloud's mind off everything and make him feel normal.  But he had a hard time thinking of things to do, and anything he did come up with just felt as if it wasn't good enough.  A great date to Zack could be considered something as cliché and simple as dinner and a movie; he would be perfectly content with that.  Cloud would probably enjoy it too, but he wanted to do something special for him in the future.  Maybe ease into some sort of elaborate date with small and casual ones beforehand.  And it couldn't be just yet, but possibly when Cloud was feeling a bit better and was more confident with himself.

Hopefully the Turks would be off their back by then, he realized.  Until then, Zack would be on edge, and also on his best behavior, no matter how hard it would be.

As he made his way back to the helicopter, he noticed that the sun was beginning to set, and it reminded him of the sunset he watched on his flight over to Costa del Sol.  He had been quite disgruntled at the whole situation then, and although he saw it for its beauty, he couldn't enjoy it.  Now he was beginning to feel more upbeat, and the deep and rich colors in the sky reminded him that he was getting close to home and close to Cloud.  He found himself finally smiling, and he resolved that despite how cliché and simple it was, he wanted to watch the sunset with Cloud one day.

~*~*~
Cloud wasn't sure what woke him up at first, but it had been something that he heard in the hallway.  He thought he had heard a voice, but when he lifted his head and looked around, he was by himself.  It took him a few minutes to realize that it had been his own voice talking in his sleep, but the fresh tears on his skin suggested that it wasn't so much talking in his sleep, as it was crying.

His legs dropped down from being bent, and his arms were sore from having fallen asleep with them folded across his knees.  He immediately felt embarrassed and hoped that no one had walked by while he was asleep, but assured himself that it was probably only a few minutes that he had dozed off.  It wasn't until he pulled down his glove and looked at his wristwatch did he notice that he had been asleep in the hallway for three hours.  It was about ten minutes to lights-out, and now it was pointless to be waiting around for Zack like a lovesick puppy.

He stood slowly, his body tense, yet weak.  His muscles complained at him as he stretched, and even his face was sore from having fallen asleep against his arms.  His uniform felt heavy on him, and he just wanted to go back to the barracks and change into his sleep gear.  He began to walk down the hallway but stopped as he heard a sequence of beeps coming from behind the door.  His breath hitched in his chest, and he began to both panic and become relieved.

His eyes were wiped quickly and clumsily and he sniffled a few times to make sure he wouldn't sound too nasally if he were to speak to the person behind the door.  If it wasn't Zack, he would still have to salute and greet the person, so no matter who it was, he didn't want the person to know that he had been asleep and crying.  

Cloud suddenly froze and his heart started to pound in his chest as the person entered.   Zack walked in, and he found himself unable to move or say anything.  The man looked very tired and a little down or irritated.  There was something different about him too, but Cloud couldn't put his finger on it.

"Cloud?  Hey!"  Zack's face lit up when he saw him, and a huge smile easily replaced the bland expression he previously had.  "What're you doing here?"

Zack's teeth looked whiter than usual, and Cloud realized that he was much tanner.  He must have been in Costa del Sol for the past few days.  Or at least working out in the sun.  "Oh, just stopping by to see if you were here."  Cloud blinked at the sound of his voice.  It sounded casual and confident, and he was surprised with himself.  "Just wanted to say hi for a bit."

Zack finally reached him but didn't embrace him just yet.  Instead, he peered down at him, inspecting the look on his face.  "I'm sorry, babe.  Were you waiting long?"

Cloud shook his head, forcing a smile.  He really didn't want Zack to know how pathetic he had been the past few days.  "No, no, not long at all.  Maybe about ten minutes."

Zack widened his eyes in a brief shock as he noticed deep red lines going across Cloud's face.  It looked like the imprint of a pillow after a long nap in his skin.  Maybe Cloud had been asleep before coming to see him, but he had a strong feeling that he fell asleep outside his apartment in wait for him again.  But Cloud had a smile on his face that was hard to read into, so Zack decided not to question him.  "Sorry about that, I hope you weren't worried about me.  I wanted to talk to you a few days ago to tell you that I was going on a vacation."

"Oh, I figured as much," Cloud said, shrugging casually.  "I stopped by here and there when I had some free time, but … just put two and two together."

"Kunsel didn't tell you I was gone?"

Cloud had remembered that Kunsel wanted to speak with him about something, and now it had made sense.  He wished that he hadn't been so flustered that day and in such a rush so he could have at least stopped to hear him out.  He now felt like an idiot.  "No," he said slowly, "he did want to tell me something, but I was … pressed for time.  It's okay, no harm done."

Zack smiled warmly at him.  He was so happy to be back and to see Cloud again that he started to already forget what happened earlier that day.  He wasted no more time and he leaned down to kiss Cloud's cheek.  His skin was warm and comforting, and Zack really did miss the simple feeling of just being near him.  He pulled away to move onto giving him a kiss on his lips, but as his tongue darted out to moisten his own, he tasted something salty.

Cloud looked up at him almost shyly or nervously as Zack frowned.  "Zack?"

He looked into his eyes, now seeing past that smile Cloud was holding.  His normally bright eyes seemed to be listless and reddened, heavy with the evidence of crying for a long time.  "Everything okay?"

"Yeah, fine," Cloud said, looking away briefly before forcing himself to smile more.    

"Cloud, was there … something you wanted to talk to me about?"

Cloud's eyes finally met Zack's again, and he stared at him for a few moments, shifting on his feet.  Zack looked even more tired now that he was up close, and he had smears of dirt across his face, and his hair seemed disheveled.  

It was nothing more than a bad day, Cloud told himself.  A bad week even.  Everyone has them.  It's not worth ruining Zack's night with my problems.

"No, nothing, Zack."  

"Are you sure?"

Maybe … I'll tell him another time.  I'm just happy to see him …

He nodded slowly, trying to keep a smile on his face.  "Yes, positive.  Just … wanted to spend some time with you and see how you were doing."

"You aren't lying to me, are you?" Zack said, his eyes narrowing at Cloud.

Cloud stammered for a moment, shocked, but he eventually chuckled a bit dryly and shook his head.  "No, I'm not lying.  I really did want to spend time with you."

"That's not what I meant, Cloud.  You just look like you have something to say, is all."

"Nope," he said, still holding a smile, "just that I missed you and that I'm happy to see you."

"Oh, well, likewise."  Zack smiled at him warmly as Cloud reached up and brushed his arm.  "Want to come inside for a bit?"

Cloud shook his head.  "No, gotta get going.  Lights-out in about five minutes."

"Are you sure?"

Cloud's hand dropped from Zack's and he frowned, speaking quickly.  "What's that supposed to mean?  Of course I'm sure."

Zack's smile faded as well at Cloud's tone.  "Well, I know that.  I just wouldn't feel right if I didn't offer again and just walked off …"

"Well, it makes it sound like I'm stupid and don't know what time it is or what I want!"  Cloud took a step back angrily.

"Cloud, what's wrong?"  Zack took a step forward, reaching up to rub his shoulders lightly.  "That's not what I meant, please."

Cloud suddenly let out a shaky sigh, his nonchalant persona crumbling quickly.  "I-I know, sorry.  I just had a really long damn day," he mumbled, looking down at the floor.

"Hey, keep those apologies coming, it just means more lip service you owe me."

Cloud looked annoyed and shrugged Zack's hands off his shoulders.  "Goodnight, Zack."

"Hey, hey, don't be that way," Zack said, stepping to the side to block Cloud from walking around him.  "Look, how about I go down to your barrack and see if I can excuse you for the night?  Spend some time with me."

"No, you don't have to," he said simply.

"I know I don't have to.  I want to.  C'mon, whaddya say?"

"No, Zack.  It's okay, really.  I don't want anyone thinking I have special privileges or anything."

"It's not special privileges.  They don't know what I'm pulling you out for," Zack said in a lighthearted manner, hoping to convince him.  He really didn't want Cloud to go off on his own after the way he looked.  He was worried and he had been worried about him for the past few days.  He just wanted to lie with him through the night and make sure that they were both happy.

"Please, Zack," Cloud said, his voice pleading.  "Just … don't."

"Cloud, I really think you should spend the night with me," Zack said, frankly.  "Especially if you've had a bad day.  We can go inside and talk about–"

"For the last time, I'm fine!  Just drop it!"

Zack stared at Cloud for a few moments in disbelief.  He had snapped at him yet again, and now he was worried that something might have happened earlier in the day to put him in such a foul mood.  "Please, Cloud, just talk to me," he said, his voice full of concern.  "I can tell something is really bothering you, so please."

But Cloud ignored the concern in his voice and took another step back from him, shaking his head angrily.  "I'm not a damn girl!  I don't want to sit and talk about my problems, alright?!"

"Cloud," Zack said, trying to keep his voice calm and his actions calm, despite the panic he was feeling towards the situation.  "I know you're not a girl, but maybe you'd be happy if you at least tried–"

"You know, you're starting to sound like that damn psychologist!"  He took a few seconds to try to calm himself when he saw the hurt expression on Zack's face.  "Just … leave me alone right now, okay?"

"If that's what you really want."

Cloud stood there, his eyes beginning to well with tears and he quickly looked away so Zack couldn't see them.  He didn't know why he was acting this way, especially towards Zack.  Zack didn't deserve to be talked to like this, but he wasn't sure why he would be so relentless with him.

"Is it, Cloud?"  Zack said almost impatiently as several long moments passed of silence.

"Maybe we can see each other tomorrow or something," he finally mumbled, his voice cracking a little.

Zack sighed, both annoyed and relieved.  "I'd really like that, Cloud."  And he meant it.

Cloud nodded a few times, not making eye contact with him.  "I didn't mean to ruin your night."

"You didn't.  But it'd be a hell of a lot better if I got a kiss goodnight."

Cloud nodded and they finally closed the gap between them.  Zack finally embraced Cloud like how he had been wanting to do since he had left.  He held him tight, burying his nose into his hair and breathing in deep.  He smelled like how he should have and Zack ridiculed himself for checking, but after the last time he was away, he wanted to make sure that Cloud hadn't been in the infirmary for any reason.  "Hey … Cloud?"

Cloud lifted his head slowly, his eyes a bit glossy from the tears he was still trying to fight back.  He looked so upset with himself, but he was as sweet and as cute as ever.  It reminded him of the night of their first kiss, no matter how heart-wrenching the circumstances were.  

"I …"

"Yeah?" he said when Zack trailed off, his voice barely coming out in a whisper.

Zack mouthed something, and then stammered something, but ended up just shaking his head to dismiss it.  "I just really missed you."

"I missed you too, Zack."

"Can I have that kiss now?"

"O-only if you think I deserve one after snapping at you."  He looked down again.

Zack reached beneath Cloud's chin and tugged his face up from looking at the tile.  He leaned down and placed a kiss on his lips, unhurried and full of emotion.  He began to pull away, but instead kissed him two more times, a bit faster but just as meaningful.  

Cloud finally pulled away, shivering briefly at the loss of body heat.  "Goodnight, Zack."

"Goodnight, Angel."  Zack watched him walk past, and it looked as if he had a slight frown on his face once again.  He waited until Cloud left before cursing to himself over not being able to say what he really wanted.

~*~*~
The barrack was calming down by the time Cloud made it back, and most of the men were packing up their belongings into their lockers and slipping into bed.  There was chatter between the men, but it was mostly subdued.  They had another outing planned in the morning and most of them were dreading it, so the mood was rather dull.  Cloud was dreading his own day tomorrow, as he surely would have to report into the office again.

The office.  No longer did he think of it as 'the psychologist's office'.  It was as if he was just accepting his fate and assuming his role as … one of them.  He didn't know how much longer he would have to go there, but any longer and he would probably lose it.  He even felt like skipping his duty in the morning, but the company would send the Turks after him for sure.  Suddenly Zack's offer of somehow getting him excused from the barracks didn't seem so bad, and maybe he could have done it with his duties as well.

He shed himself from his heavy uniform and changed into his sleep gear before climbing into his bed.  He watched as the last of the men settled in and the lights were shut off, and he realized that Ratcliff still wasn't back yet from his mission.  He had been gone for too long now, and Cloud surmised that he would have been worried if he wasn't so mad over everything.  

Despite his anger, his mindset was a bit more calmer now that Zack returned, so that was one less person to worry over.  And maybe Cloud was calm enough to start to think a bit more rationally.  Thinking back to the official orders that he was given to attend sessions with the psychologist, he recalled that the woman herself said that she ordered Ratcliff to lie to him.  At first, he thought that she was just running her mouth or was trying to make Ratcliff not seem like the bad guy, but he could have tried a bit harder to be more truthful with him.

Ratcliff wasn't one for confrontation or disobeying orders, but he did hold his friendships in such a high regard that it was shocking to Cloud that he wouldn't at least drop some sort of hint about what was really going on.  Perhaps the company threatened him with something big – a major punishment – and maybe he was just scared.  So Cloud was starting to see how it wasn't all his fault, but Cloud couldn't help but feel cheated.

He rolled over onto his side and stared at Elici's bunk, then looked up to Graves'.  What the hell was that man trying to prove?  What would he possibly have to gain for running off?  Cloud knew it must have had something to do with Elici, but there was more practical ways of asserting some sort of revenge for him, but instead Graves was doing things in his own way and not thinking things through.

Shin-Ra had to have been sending the army or SOLDIER out to look for Mejia.  Hell, even the Turks.  That was their job, after all.  They were the ones to investigate, and the army and the SOLDIERs were called upon to do the actual dirty work, depending on the severity of the mission, but in this case, the crime.  

Maybe that's where Zack had been all this time, or maybe that's where Ratcliff was.  If there was some chance that Ratcliff had been sent out to chase after Mejia …

Cloud didn't want to think about what could happen, or what Mejia was capable of, as he knew first hand what that was.  He felt sick to his stomach then, and now any possibility of getting sleep for the night was gone.  He was feeling tired, and he hadn't been sleeping well lately, despite the strange naps he was taking in front of Zack's quarters, so he was hoping that he could at least rest easy that night knowing that Zack was home safe.  But now this new revelation took away any chance of having that, and he was left with the cold surrounding air of the barrack and even more chilling thoughts.


~*~*~
Somehow Cloud managed to fall asleep around one in the morning, but it was only for about an hour.  He woke up when a strange dream began playing out in his mind, but it really was the conversation with the psychologist that he was remembering.  He was back in that hallway with that woman admitting having lied to him, and so he forced himself to wake up.  To him it didn't feel like a dream, but reliving the actual incident.  It was a surreal feeling, one that denied him sleep for a few more hours.

And during those hours, he spent his time just staring up at the bunk above him, thinking more and more about Ratcliff.  The more he thought about him, the more confused he became trying to decide how he should ultimately feel about him.  He eventually was able to calm himself once again, and right as he felt sleep tugging at him, the other men in the barrack began to wake and start their day.

Cloud groaned, frustrated.  It was already six in the morning and he had to get up to drag himself to his duties.  He was hoping that Zack would come in at any moment to whisk him away for a distracting date together, but after his behavior the night before, he felt as if he didn't deserve it.

But Zack never came, distractions were a far away dream, and his reality was the office in the medical ward.  Soon, that reality became a nightmare when the full-time receptionist was back from her vacation, but he was told that he still was needed in the office.

And if there was anything worse than a nightmare, Cloud was in it when the psychologist entered the office and informed Cloud that instead of working at the desk for the first hour, she would be having a session with him.  He wondered how good of an acting job he could pull off if he were to feign fainting.  It wouldn't be that implausible, considering his recent stay in the infirmary.  All he needed to do was just start complaining of a headache, or weakness, then when no one was looking, he could easily drop down to the ground and play opossum until the medics were called.

Instead, he found himself sitting – squirming – on the couch in her office for an excruciating hour.  He had absolutely nothing to say to her, and he made sure that he made that well known to her with a combination of glaring, scoffing and outright ignoring.  She would ask him a question and he would conveniently find some tiny little thread on his uniform to tug at for a good few minutes until she dropped the question and moved on.  He would then move onto another little thread that wanted attention, or even rubbing out scuff marks on his knee armor with his glove.

A few more questions later, and Cloud realized that he could do a much better cleaning job on his armor if he were to remove his glove and lick his thumb, then rub out the scuffs.  Soon, half an hour already went by and now he had very shiny knee armor.

He contemplated taking his now favorite little beaded pillow and using it to take a nap on her couch, but it would prove to be hard to accomplish sleeping when she was explaining how her actions and Ratcliff's actions really did benefit his memory.  The only thing that he benefited from by all this was remembering how much he didn't like her and how much he originally distrusted her.  Perhaps there was some good that came out of it, as he regretted ever having though about confiding in her during the previous week.

Soon, an hour passed and he finally said his first sentence to her that day, and in the end it was the only sentence he said to her.

"Can I go now?"

She finished with a small frown and a single nod, then went on to ask him to still not be so mad at Ratcliff, or even with her.  He was already exiting her office before she could finish her selfish plea, and he pretended to not hear her, or the sigh she made as the door shut.

The rest of the day there in the office was as expected – long and boring.  He was a lot less frustrated now that the full-timer was back, but still hated the job with a passion.  When the time finally came to leave, he was out the door even before they could shut the lights off.  He definitely wasn't going to linger for too long and allow that woman the chance to open her mouth again, trying to tell him some nonsense about accepting and understanding.

He made his way back to the barracks after a quick meal, and he was tempted to stop by Zack's place, but refrained.  He felt embarrassed with himself enough as it was for having gone there everyday, but now that Zack was back, he could at least relax, if only a little.  But as the night went on and there was no sign of the man, Cloud began to worry that perhaps he had offended him or made him angry.

Ratcliff still hadn't returned as well.

~*~*~
Two more days passed, and there was still no sign of Ratcliff, but Zack did manage to stop by once out of those two days.  He had claimed that he had to attend a debriefing of his vacation, of all things, and an undisclosed meeting for the past few days, and that was why he couldn't see him.  He didn't stay for long, and the most that they did together was take a short walk around the halls of the barracks.  They just chatted briefly and casually about their days.  Zack promised that he would see him soon, and take him out for dinner.  And as fast as he came, Zack had to leave again.

At the office, the psychologist had a session with him each of the days as well.  Cloud spoke only a little, but he fidgeted a lot less and was maybe more attentive and open to what she was saying.  Cloud just figured he was cooling off from it all, and getting over the shock of Graves leaving and being lied to.

The more he thought about it, the more sorry he felt for Ratcliff for having to actually go through with those orders, no matter how immoral they were.  And the more he reflected on it, the more Ratcliff seemed horribly disturbed whenever Graves was brought up.  It must have been difficult being torn between fear of punishment and fear of losing a friend.  In all honesty, Cloud probably would have done the same thing.

And he was doing the same thing with Zack.  He still couldn't find the courage to bring up anything that happened in Kalm, or even any of his feelings, so he really wasn't that different than Ratcliff.  He couldn't judge him anymore, and now he was beginning to truly miss him, and beginning to truly worry.

He hadn't slept well for the past few nights, so he was quite irked when the door to the barracks opened in the middle of the night and the relative silence was disrupted by the shuffling of three people.  Cloud tried to keep his eyes shut in hopes that he would fall back asleep quickly, but when his bunk began to shake, he forced himself to sit up.

Ratcliff was in the middle of climbing up to his bunk, and both Haskin and Pawn were doing the same to their own.  It was an odd time to get back, but Cloud could care less.

"Ratcliff!  You're back!" he whispered, kicking the covers off his body to stand.

He stopped climbing and smiled a little.  "Don't get up, Cloud," he said, his voice sounding tired.  "Go back to sleep, yeah?"

"You've been gone forever."

"Not forever, just a few days."

"It was a week, Ratcliff!"

Ratcliff climbed down the ladder, frowning in thought.  "Yeah?"

"I was … worried."

"Yeah?"

Cloud nodded and shifted on his feet, looking as if he wanted to say something.

"Everything go okay while I was gone?  You all right?  Zack all right?  Did I miss anything?"

Cloud was now frowning, a visible distress crossing his face.  "Um …"

"What?  What happened?"  Ratcliff was now worried, his eyes flickering on Cloud with uncertainty.

"I … remembered.  What really happened."

"Oh."

They fell silent for a while, just shifting uncomfortably in each other's presence.  Ratcliff no longer looked at him and instead stared to the side down at the floor in shame.

"I guess I don't blame you," Cloud finally said, almost sounding upbeat.

"Cloud, no, it was wrong-"

"I probably would have done the same thing.  I mean … I am doing the same thing."

"What?"

Cloud shrugged, looking away to the same spot Ratcliff had been staring at once he turned his head to look at him.  "With Zack.  Haven't told him anything."

"Cloud, look, I really am sorry, yeah?  It's just that … when you came back you didn't remember a damn thing, yeah.  The doc said that it would help somehow …" he said feebly.  He really didn't know what else he could say to get his point across other than an apology.

"Let's just forget about it for now, okay?  I'm just really glad you're back.  I was worried that something happened to you."

Ratcliff laughed quietly.  "What would've happened?"

Cloud's eyes went over to Elici's bed briefly before looking back down at the ground again.

"Nah, no worries.  We just escorted Scarlet to Corel to watch over the construction of the reactor there!  No Mejia, I promise, yeah."  He reached up and patted Cloud on the shoulder reassuringly with a small smile.

Cloud suddenly wrapped his arms around Ratcliff in a brief but tight hug.  It caught him off guard, and instantly his heart began to race.  He had never embraced Cloud like this, or been embraced by him.  It was always pats or friendly slaps … sometimes even an arm around the shoulder.  But a hug …

He pulled away and smiled up at Ratcliff, looking relieved.  

There was another silence between them, but this time it was heavy and full of a one-sided shock.  Ratcliff scolded himself for looking into the hug too much and tried to tell himself that it was just a friendly gesture.  Of course it was, Cloud was with Zack.

But he couldn't help but dwell on his own feelings, no matter how selfish they were and had been in the past.  He knew he was undeserving, but he still couldn't stop himself from wanting to act on his thoughts.

"Cloud," he began, after letting out a shaky sigh.  "A-after the incident in Kalm, I got to thinking, you know?  How much … I think of you as a friend, and …"

Cloud took a step back from him, not out of fear or confusion, but out of curiosity.  He peered into Ratcliff's face, trying to guess where he was headed with this.  

Ratcliff looked up at Cloud after going silent once again.  The expression on his face was very endearing and inquisitive.  He mustered up a rather stupid smile, and with each word he was yelling at himself inwardly.  "Well … I guess I … I … lo-left ..." He shook his head, letting out a dry laugh.  He paused for a moment more, then continued slowly and carefully.  "... to my mission on a bad term with you, and I'm sorry, yeah?"

Cloud looked lost in thought for a moment, picking apart what Ratcliff said.  "Bad term?"  He sat back down on his bed, frowning now.  "I guess I forgot about that, actually.  I understand."

"Well, I didn't mean to snap at you when you asked about Graves.  But … now you kinda know why."

"No worries, Ratcliff."  Now, Cloud mustered forth a smile that looked halfhearted.  Or perhaps he was growing tired again.

"Get some sleep.  And I promise that … next time I'll be honest and tell you what's on my mind, yeah?"

Cloud just nodded and crawled back into his bed, settling himself down beneath the blanket with a stifled yawn.  "No worries," he said again.

Ratcliff smiled down at him before he crawled into his bunk.  His smile faded instantly as he stared up at the ceiling.  He could feel Cloud turn in the bunk a few times as he messed with his pillow, but then quieted.

He couldn't tell him, and he knew he shouldn't.  But now, he couldn't stop himself from thinking of doing it, even if it was selfish.

I promise.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

… To be continued in Chapter Thirty-Four: Unhurried.