Absolution I: Forsaken

Disclaimer: The people at Square Enix would probably freak if they knew what I was doing to their characters, so they’re obviously not mine. I just abuse them because I can and it’s good stress relief.

WARNINGS: Angst (as should be expected by now), hard drug use, and some oddly decent behavior from everyone’s least favorite OC. I’m assuming that if you’ve made it this far, this chapter isn’t going to bother you at all. But if the thought of Seifer using heroin bothers you, you know what to do by now.

To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
~ Simple Plan- Welcome to My Life
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wake up as suddenly as if someone had dumped a bucket of cold water on my head and immediately notice the wet stickiness in my boxers. Just great, I have one of the best dreams to hit me recently and my body decided that it was getting into the dream a little too much. Times like this make me wish I had more clothes, but I don’t, so I’ll have to suffer as I go over the details of that dream in my head.

Fuck, that was one hot, realistic dream. I could feel Squall’s skin and blood, hear all the noises he made, see the way his lashes left shadows on his cheeks when his eyes were closed.

But I know that’ll never actually happen. Even if I did bite the bullet and manage to make it to Balamb Garden without being arrested, he doesn’t think of me as anything other than his rival. Never has and never will, especially now since he’s got his sorceress firmly by his side. Squall and Rinoa, the most mismatched couple of the century.

Not too far from me, I hear the sound of someone, most likely Mattie, since all of her cronies seem to have found new haunting grounds, moving around and I groan loudly. I don’t want or need to deal with her shit today. The psycho bitch is lucky to still be walking around this morning and I hope she knows that. I’m probably gonna end up killing her one of these days.

Planning to get even more blood on your already dirty hands? I thought you felt bad enough as it is.

My hands, already balled into fists, slam against the ground and I grumble a long string of obscenities. I just wish that that Hyneforsaken voice in my head would shut the fuck up and leave me in peace because it needlessly complicates things. I feel bad because I failed to protect Ultimecia, not because I’m responsible for a shitload of destruction and Hyne only knows how many deaths. I did exactly as I was told to do because I was following my dream.

It’s still amusing that you wouldn’t follow orders from anyone in Garden, but you took them from a woman intent on destroying the world.

Today, I’m not going to listen to the voice; see if it leaves me alone that way.

I look up and almost jump at the sight of Mattie standing there, but the fear I still see in her eyes makes me laugh to myself. She should be scared of me after yesterday. One hand moves to rest on Hyperion’s handle while I glare at her.

“What do you want at this time of morning?” I growl as I stand up and glare down at her. It’s definitely fun intimidating someone at least nine inches shorter than I am.

“Was gonna tell you that I felt generous enough to blow a good wad of gil on something that you might actually enjoy more than anything else I’ve given you so far. And I’ll even let you have it for free, no having to fuck me,” she tells me in that whiny voice I’ve really come to hate, along with every other thing about her. But if she’s giving me something free, there’s gotta be a catch.

I snicker and lean against the wall then. “You get some disease from that scrawny redhead I saw you standing so close to yesterday or something? The guy looks like a strong wind would blow his ass down the alley.”

“Reno’s a coke-snorting whore who actually pays in gil for what I get him. You’re just my charity case,” she snaps back. Touchy, touchy.

After briefly wondering just what exactly there is between them both, I keep staring at her. “If I were really a charity case, I wouldn’t have to do anything to get stuff from you, on any occasion. Not just this one.”

She takes a seat on the ground and motions for me to do the same while pulling some things out of the oversized pockets of the jacket she’s wearing today. A small black balloon, mostly empty bottle of water, lighter, the bottom of a can, small cotton ball, and a syringe. Looks like whatever she’s giving me today is going to take a little work before it actually gets into my system.

Without saying a word, Mattie gives me the bottom of the can to hold after I join her on the ground, so I take it and watch as she carefully tears open the balloon and pours a small amount of whitish-brown powder into the can, then adds the remaining water, which is just a few drops.

“Pay attention. If you like this shit, you’re doing it all yourself next time.”

“What do you think I am, stupid or something?” The look on her face after I say that tells me she’s resisting the urge to comment.

I swirl the water and powder around and watch as she heats up the bottom. Basic science says that she’s doing it to help whatever that powder is dissolve better. Once it looks decent enough to her, she drops in the cotton ball and I watch it puff up instantly.

“That’s in case there’s anything that didn’t dissolve right…and I was lucky enough to find an unused needle,” she comments before taking the cap off the syringe, sticking it a little way into the cotton ball and slowly pulling the plunger back to fill it up about halfway.

I hate needles, but I think I’ll force myself to just see if this stuff is any good. Maybe I’ll get over my dislike of them.

Mattie motions for me to hold out my arm, so I do as told, knowing without having to ask anything where she’s going to be sticking that needle. There’s a very nice visible vein in the crook of my elbow.

“I’m just gonna stick this in you and start pushing it in. You’re smart enough to do the rest, right?” What, is something gonna happen to me right away or something?

She giggles as I turn my head; feeling and not watching the needle go into my arm. Why in the hell do I trust her to shoot some unknown drug into my arm? For all I know, she’s gonna kill me right now and laugh at my gullibility.

Then again, you don’t really care if you live or die, which is why you’re letting her do this.

This time, the annoying voice in my head is speaking the truth. If it did that more often, I’d die of shock.

Apparently, she feels that her part is done now because Mattie gets up without saying a word and walks off. I take a slow breath before finishing pushing the plunger in carefully because I really have no fucking clue what’s about to happen to me.

Holy fuck, this feels like I’ve just come harder than I ever have in my life. I breathe hard before leaning over and throwing up whatever there is in my stomach. It made me sick, but that initial feeling of nearly orgasmic bliss is well worth it. I tug the needle out of my arm and press my thumb over the area to stop the bleeding since there ain’t nothing else I could use.

I lean against the wall and let whatever this stuff is work its way through my system. Soon, I feel very relaxed and content – almost numb, to be honest. It’s official, numb is better than feeling artificially happy or totally out of it or however else the other stuff made me feel. Needles or not, I’ll be asking for more of this.

The more it goes through me, the more relaxed I feel and the less I really care about everything going on around me. Is there even anything happening around me anyway? Don't know, don't care, just wanna lie back and let myself feel comfortably numb. My emotional pain is all but forgotten, floating away with the rest of my thoughts.

Time’s never really mattered to me out here, and it seems even less important now because the only complication to being high on this shit is the fact that I’m a little itchy. Note to self – attempt to be nice to Mattie as a way of thanking her. Oh, and ask her for the rest of the stuff in that black balloon.

I still hate myself, though. Nothing ever changes that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: Another chapter I’m not entirely proud of, but oh well. It’s written and I haven’t decided if there’s gonna be one or two more chapters to this before Forsaken is technically finished. Then, I’ve got a sequel to do that will be called “Redemption.” Oh, and if the angst seems to be lacking, blame the Paxil I was just put on.

Review responses:

tashabot (who actually left two reviews)- I like writing dysfunction and it’s good to know you enjoyed the chapters. Reno’s gonna show up at least once more, it all depends on how many more chapters I feel like writing.

hopemia- I’m working as fast as the muses let me, though I did write out two one-shots (FF8 fluff and some original angst) before finishing this part. Hope you enjoy this part.

rita- Of course I’m going to continue. I’m not one of those people who leave a partially finished fic sitting incomplete for everyone to wonder about the ending. Although I’m sure readers might not like how I plan to end this one. *Evil grin*

Dadella- All good villains get what’s coming to them in the end. It’s sad and things are still going to get worse before they get better. And I’m glad you’re entertained by my character abuse.

ChibiMasochist- Yaoi is fun, writing the dream was a lot of fun, and it’s nice to know that there are a lot of people who like reading dark fics as opposed to fluff. Wait, I’ve still got a rape fic to finish writing for a friend…guess I’ll get to that later. I can’t tell you what’s gonna be happening in the future, though. :P