Absolution I: Forsaken

Disclaimer: For the last time (in this fic anyway), Mattie is the only character that belongs to me. The others belong to Square Enix and I’m just playing with them because I can, though I’m also working on original stuff these days as well.

WARNINGS: Severe angst, violence, suicidal thoughts and actions, drug use, brief M/F, voyeurism, and a little crossdressing…but not necessarily in that order. Don’t like, don’t read.

(Cold in life's throes)
I fall asleep for you
(Cold in life's throes)
I only ask you turn away
Cold in life's throes
I fall asleep for you
~ AFI- Silver and Cold
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s only been a couple of months since Ultimecia was killed. That’s what I learned today by actually walking around for a little while and seeing the date on some tabloid news show. Apparently, there have been a lot of false tips and sightings of me, and SeeD’s getting impatient. So, they upped the reward for information leading to my capture.

Why “capture” and not “arrest"? Who the hell knows or cares right now?

I make my way back to the miserable part of town that I’ve been living in, moving slowly because there’s no burning need to be anywhere at any certain time. Mattie’s been getting on my nerves even more than usual the past few days anyway. Ever since she found the one thing that I really enjoy using to relax and forget about things for a while, it’s like she’s gloating over it. Weird bitch.

Rounding the corner, I go to step into the alley I’ve called home since it all ended, but I stop and smirk at the sight before me. Seems like there really is something going on between the blue-haired cunt and that scrawny redhead she sells coke to.

Mattie’s lying on the ground, her clothes beneath her so I get a view of more of her skin than I ever really wanted to see, with Reno above her, just as undressed. He rocks his hips slowly as one hand plays with her nipples and he nibbles her neck.

I’m just watching this to harass her about it later, not because I really want to hear her moaning and see her hands grabbing his ass when he gets faster and louder. Actually, if it weren’t for those scars on his face, he wouldn’t be too bad looking, but I ain’t gonna say that out loud.

They can’t see me because they’re too busy kissing each other and moving even faster, only stopping after I hear them whimpering each other’s names. Reno stands up, pulls on his pants, grabs his shirt, and kisses her again before walking off slowly. What’s with that look on his face anyway? He honestly can’t be happy to be fucking her.

“Looks like you were lying about what there was between you and the coke addict,” I smirk while strolling closer to her, inwardly laughing as she jumps while getting her clothes back on.

“Jealous or somethin’? What goes on with Reno and me is our business, not yours. You’re just a washed up excuse of a person who’s gonna find himself busted in another couple of days. I reported your sorry ass to the police, complete with a picture I took while you were sleeping.” Mattie smirks right back at me before walking past me, heading back to where I know she keeps all of her drugs.

I glare at her as I step back towards Hyperion. I’ve dealt with her shit for long enough and there’s no way in hell I can put up with even more. The bitch reported me for the reward money…too bad she ain’t gonna get a bit of it.

Once my weapon’s in my hand, I step up behind her slowly, tap her shoulder, and just let the anger I’ve been doing my best to control come out in one long torrent of words.

“You fucking cunt. For the past two months, I’ve let myself put up with your shit just because you give me the stuff that helps me forget for a little while as you laugh at how much I hate myself. I fucking dare you to go through the shit I’ve done and been through and not emerge from it bitter and self-loathing.

“I might be a sorry excuse for a human being, but you’re no better, making money from selling shit to people that fucks with their body and mind. You’re not going to live to see the reward money you’d get from having me captured, bitch.”

There’s fear in her eyes as she looks up at me. She should be scared because she’s about to die. Snarling, I pull my right arm back and plunge Hyperion through her stomach, a shocked, pained little gasp coming from her throat the moment the cold steel impales her flesh.

I pull it out slowly because I know that’s going to be more painful than doing it quickly, ignoring the few tears on her face. She’s the one who fucked up by reporting me, so she’s suffering the consequences now.

Her blood flows freely from the stab wound, staining her clothes and the ground as she leans back against the closest wall. Good thing my shoes and pants are black. Again, I raise the blade and look at her, seeing the tearstained face and hearing her pleas to be spared, but they don’t even register in my mind as I stab her in the chest, just below her breastbone.

Even more blood spills this time and some gets on my arm, hot and slightly sticky. I watch her slump down to the ground, pale eyes closing partway. But I’m leaving nothing to chance. I want her dead and I’ll make sure she’s dead before doing anything else. One quick slash to her throat is enough to turn the entire area around her deep red with blood and my pants get hit with a few spurts, making them wet. Not like I care right now, though.

Just out of curiosity, I kneel down next to her, soaking the knees of my pants in blood, and rummage through her pockets. Yep, there’s another small black balloon in there. I take it, stick it in my back pocket, and walk over to where I know she hides everything else drug related. Doesn’t take long to find everything else I’ll need to shoot up. Seems like she organizes everything according to the drug.

I thought you weren’t going to kill anymore.

Can I just kill whatever part of myself is responsible for that fucking voice inside my head?! I hate most of the things it tells me. Regardless of whether or not they’re true, I don’t enjoy having little random pieces of information rubbed into my face.

Fuck it, I’ll just kill myself today, rid the world of Seifer Almasy, the almighty fuckup. Nobody cares if I live or not. Hell, I don’t even care whether or not I stay alive. I just don’t want to be captured and have to face a whole shitload of questions when the only answer is that I was doing what I felt I had to do. That doesn’t seem to be enough for people these days.

I leave the alley where Mattie’s body is because I don’t want to get even more covered in her blood. I’m enough of a mess as it is. Sitting down and leaning against a wall, I see a flash of familiar red hair in the distance, but just shrug. If he finds her and goes after me, I’ll kill him too.

It takes just a moment to consider the possible ways to kill myself. There’s always the way I tried once – slitting my own throat, but there’s always a chance that might not work. Falling on my blade would be too painful, so that pretty much leaves an overdose as the only way. Mattie told me that the dose she gave me the first time was pretty average. Doubling it should be enough to kill me, since I know it slows my heart and breathing down.

Pour the powder into the can bottom, add water, heat to dissolve, stick in cotton ball, use syringe to get a lot more than usual, and then find the vein in my arm. Ain’t as easy to stick the needle in these days and I dunno why. My eyes close and my head falls back against the wall as I push the plunger down slowly, letting my body absorb every little bit of this poison that I like and I think I’m starting to get hooked on.

Minutes later, my stomach starts cramping up and my mouth gets dry. I lie down because I’m getting a little tired and close my eyes, trying to ignore this feeling of panic that’s slowly taking over my mind. It’s harder to breathe than it should be, which is the reason I’m getting scared.

Panicking, Almasy? I thought you wanted to die.

Just shut the fuck up already, annoying voice in my head. I do want to die, I just didn’t think it was gonna take this long for the drugs to make my heart and lungs stop working.

A glimpse at my hands shows that the skin under my fingernails is turning blue and everywhere I touch is cold and sweaty. Again, I close my eyes and try not to be scared by the feeling that my heart is going slower and it’s getting really hard to breathe, so I’m not doing as much breathing as I normally would.

The sound of two sets of footsteps in the distance makes me force my eyes open and I turn my head a little bit to see the source of them. It’s two people, one of them in worn out tennis shoes and loose faded jeans and the other in platform boots and a black leather skirt. Slowly, I lift my gaze and see that Reno’s the one in jeans while Boots has pale brown hair and…a scar in the middle of his face?

Just before I close my eyes again since keeping them open is too hard, I vaguely hear myself whispering a single word.

“Squall?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: Whee, it’s done. No idea how long I’ll let you wonder exactly what’s going to happen next, but I’d love to read everyone’s theories. Just review telling me what you think is gonna happen…some of you might get it right, others might get it wrong. I’ve noticed that the more dramatic chapters get more reviews, so hopefully this’ll get more than just two.

Oh, and if anyone wants to archive this or any of my fics on their site, just e-mail and tell me the site it’ll be on so I can keep track of where they’re available online.

Review responses:

tashabot- You are my most loyal reviewer for this fic and I thank you immensely for that. Hopefully, you’ll keep reading and reviewing when I get the follow-up posted. Maybe I’ll think of writing a giftfic for you if you keep being this loyal.

LadyCaos- Glad you liked the dream scene, it took me a while to write because I was enjoying myself a little too much. This is the way I’ve always thought Seifer would be, so I’ve had fun with this. Hopefully, you like the way it ended.