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Chapter Eight: Color of Existence

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There was knocking at his door.

Someone knocking at two in the morning?

Zack collected himself from his couch, kicking aside the overturned coffee table, walking through the explosion of paperwork scattered across the floor that was mingling with the contents of his seabag that lay strewn about. He stepped over an overturned barstool from his counter that had somehow made its way to the front of his living space.

The knocking turned into frantic pounding.

Zack wiped at his eyes quickly as he exhaled a brief sigh. He opened the door, peering through it cautiously at first. But then the door was swung open widely at the sight of his frenzied visitor.

"Cloud?"

And before Zack could inquire to him as to why his shoulders were heaving, as to why his face was stained with tears and why his eyes were trembling with turmoil, Cloud blurted out loudly through a sucking breath.

"Elici's dead!"

Zack stood there, his hand dropping from the knob on the door and stopped at his side. His mouth began to move, but no words came out as Cloud stood there quivering violently, making a valiant effort to hold back the tears that Zack knew he wanted to release.

"C-come inside." Zack ushered him in, closing the door behind him as he entered the apartment swiftly. Zack frowned down at him when he began to remove his boots with muscles being racked with spasms. His fingers could hardly latch onto the laces. "Cloud, don't bother, just get in here."

Cloud nodded numbly, and obeyed.

And the apartment was in complete disarray like there had been some sort of struggle. Everything was everywhere and nowhere it should have been.

"What...the hell happened?" Cloud said, turning towards Zack in the darkness. "Is everything okay?"

"Don't you ask me that right now. Don't you worry about any of this, okay?" He nudged him through the mess and sat him down on the couch which was slightly off centered – slightly meaning completely facing the neighboring wall it normally faced. They were staring into Zack's bedroom as they sat on the couch, and Cloud could see that the mattress had been overturned, and the sheets thrown about in what looked like a fit of rage and emotion.

"Zack, is everything okay?" He looked to his friend who was staring dully into the bathroom.

"I said don't worry about me. I'll tell you...another time." He forced a smile at Cloud, trying to repress his own tears that were trying to surface for his own reasons.

They sat in silence for a moment. The only sound was Cloud's heavy breathing and Zack's heavy swallowing.

"He...died at the Northern Crater..." Cloud finally confessed, and Zack could hear the leather gloves around his hands tighten and squeal as he formed them into fists. "He...has a family, too..."

Zack's mouth twitched, wondering if he should ask the boy the question that burned in his mind. He knew that Elici had been deployed out there with Mejia. "Do they..." He paused as Cloud looked to him. "...Know how he died?"

Those words seemed to have pierced through Cloud's troubled heart as his gaze went to the floor, and the tears began to flow silently down his face.

"...It's still being investigated," was his surprisingly steady reply through the shaking of his shoulders.

"When did you find out?"

"Right now."

"And you came here first?"

Cloud nodded, almost in a shamed way. He was angry at himself for having avoided the man for the past few days, only to run to him when he needed the comfort. He was pathetic, or at least so he thought.

Zack let out a shaky sigh, rubbing the back of his neck. He stopped when he glanced to Cloud, who sat there clutching his forearms in a feeble attempt to embrace himself through the pain. Zack's face softened as he slowly reached over to the crying boy beside him.

The touch made Cloud jump slightly; it was unexpectedly warm and soothing. Zack's thumb began to stroke the hot skin beneath his hand instinctively, and instinctively the boy began to lean into it.

"Cloud?" Zack whispered.

"Yeah?" he replied, his voice mild and full of remorse. He cried soundlessly, hoping that Zack wouldn't notice the tears.

"What can I do for you right now?"

Cloud shook his head. He sniveled quickly as he took in a breath to speak. "Nothing," was his breathless answer.

"I'll do nothing, then."

Cloud nodded, satisfied by his answer.

Zack, of course, couldn't do just nothing.

He gripped the base of Cloud's neck and suddenly pulled the boy into his chest. Cloud followed willingly with no ounce of hesitation in his movement. Zack pressed him against his body, wrapping his arms around the boy's shoulders as Cloud let out an unrestrained sob into Zack's uniform that he had been holding in.

He shuddered against him; he gasped before him; he nuzzled into him.

And Zack found himself crying then with Cloud as he tightened his grip, his eyes squeezing shut with his own pain, his own loss. But Cloud never saw those tears, as when he tried to lift his head, Zack only pushed his head back down gently into his chest with a soothing hush. To hold him down, Zack rested his chin against the soft spikes of hair that brushed against his wet face. His eyes fluttered closed, breathing in Cloud's scent. It was fresh, clean, liberating. Like an ocean of innocence.

And he soon found himself burying his face in that ocean as the boy cried against him silently. He was trying so hard not to break down completely like Zack could sense he wanted to, and Zack was proud of him for that, but also slightly disturbed by it as well. If he wanted to cry, he should just cry. If he wanted to wail in anguish, he should just wail in anguish.

Cloud was much like Zack whether they both realized this or not.

Zack clutched onto him until he felt Cloud's body relax against him after about fifteen minutes of holding him. The relaxing was followed by the soft escape of a moan from his burning chest as his emotions finally subsided into what Zack thought was sleep.

"Hey," Zack whispered to him, shaking him slightly, "you awake?"

Cloud responded with faint breathing into his chest, but nothing more.

Zack slid his arms even tighter around him. Assured he was asleep, he lowered his head once more, pressing his lips against the boy's hair. An intake of his scent once more, and Zack kissed him tenderly on the top of his head.

"Get some rest, kid," he whispered.

A slight stir. "I can't," was what was whispered back.

Zack gasped, lifting his head from atop Cloud's, his heart slamming against his chest. "I-I thought you were asleep, sorry." He was mortified at the now pressing thought of Cloud having been awake to feel the kiss that he laid upon his head.

"No, I was awake," Cloud whispered, and Zack could feel his hands sliding up his chest between them and gripping his shirt where his heart still sat pounding fearfully.

Cloud finally lifted his head to look at Zack. He could see Zack's sad eyes in the moonlight from the window in the kitchen. Light blue eyes scanned the troubled face above him quietly, observing the glistening trails of pain that were left against his skin.
"You lost someone too?" he finally asked.

Zack just nodded slowly, his eyes never leaving Cloud's. "Yeah. I did."

Cloud shifted upwards, sliding onto Zack's lap. His touch against his chest never left as he moved in close.

Blue eyes stared at each other in a thick silence. One pair of eyes closed as a hand reached up and brushed the tear that rolled down a face, undetected by its owner. Zack pressed his face into Cloud's hand, allowing one more tear to escape, almost inviting Cloud to touch him so softly, so warmly again.

And he did, brushing his thumb up against the tear, wiping it away.

"I thought SOLDIERs weren't supposed to cry," the blond whispered, his angelic face reflecting the moonlight from the side, causing his blond hair to illuminate white and glow with a soft sheen of purity.

I thought angels weren't supposed to cry either, he thought in reply, their eyes flickering back and forth on each other.

Zack reached up with a hand to the back of Cloud's head, running his fingers through his hair. He pulled his head close, resting their foreheads against each other as his breath quickened in his chest.

Cloud let him do this, his lids fluttering closed as their skin connected.

"It's okay, only if we cry together, Cloud." He nodded, reassuring himself and the boy. "There's nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to be afraid of right now, here with me."

Cloud nodded back, their noses rubbing against each other.

Zack's hand slid around to Cloud's face, and was soon joined by his other hand on the opposite side, cupping that angelic face in his palms. Cloud was suddenly shaking now; Zack could feel it against his body. He could hear the breath in the boy's chest catch in his throat as it tried to escape. His lips began to tremble as if he were shivering from an unbelievable cold that racked his body.

Blood began to pound in their ears. Breathing ceased, all time stopped.

Those trembling lips were seized still as Zack lifted his head and delicately touched a parted mouth against them.

"Z-Zack..." Cloud whispered, and as he spoke his lips brushed up against Zack's, sending a quake down the spine of the SOLDIER.

The silent moonlight from above seemed to blur out reality, seemed to wash away the color of existence around them and Cloud sat before him in a definitive display of black and white. Not even the color of the flushed cheeks that Zack caressed so gingerly, so affectionately could escape the moonlight's grasp.

But color began to flood back into Zack's world as Cloud opened his eyes, revealing a vibrant array of confusion, yet stability in them as he looked back. His face was riddled with uncertainty and fear; of reliance and innocence, and Zack couldn't help but smile at that face that held the look of pure humanity on it.

He leaned forward, and kissed Cloud again.

A startled yet brief resistance was met as his lips moved against Cloud's, but soon found that they melded together in a dance of emotion and need. Their breath caressed each other's skin as they were erratically released from noses that brushed against each other; their kiss began to deepen.

Shaking hands slipped down the young boy's face, following the curvature of his moistened neck as they stopped upon pitching shoulders. They began to wrap around him, pulling him into his body as close as he possibly could. Cloud shifted in the man's lap, his legs sliding to either side of his body as their heads twisted slowly with their kiss. A sound of surprise came from the boy as Zack's tongue flickered against his parted lips, and it caused him to stiffen in stunned apprehension, until a rubbing of his back coaxed him to relax.

Zack could feel the ridge in Cloud's lip from where the stitches had been as he licked his tongue against it. It was a feeling that tugged at his heart. Those lips he loved so much were blemished, no longer smooth and flawless. They were stamped with the constant reminder of Cloud's horrid encounter with Mejia. He hoped that it would eventually heal properly.

Cloud arched slightly as Zack continued to rub his back. He opened his mouth slightly, to allow Zack to enter with his tongue, and Zack took the invitation and pushed the muscle into Cloud's warm mouth with a sense of gentle probing.

The feeling of Zack's tongue in his mouth shocked him, even scared him. It was a strange feeling, one that he had never experienced before in his life, and this Zack could tell as Cloud was awkward and stiff, but nonetheless he was sweet. Cloud did his best to match Zack's movements, learning from him with each lap of the tongue, or each momentary suckle of a lip. His brain began to process and soak in all of the flooding information into him at that moment, breathing in each of Zack's breaths as they shared this sensual moment between them.

Cloud could feel himself begin to move as Zack raised up on the couch and slowly lowered Cloud onto his back, never breaking contact between their lips. The combination of the shock of the cold leather against his back, and the hot, moist feeling of Zack's tongue in his mouth caused him to release a wisp of a moan he had been bottling up inside. All of the doubt and anxiety Zack had for what seemed like months disappeared, and he decided in a mere instance that these actions were okay; that this single expression of instinct would convey to Cloud what he had spent countless days musing over. It was all gone in that kiss.

His hands began to trail down Cloud's tense body. Down his slight but defined chest, down his rising stomach as he breathed. His hands stopped at his uniform blouse, breaking the deep kiss they shared to move down onto his neck. His mouth caressed the clammy skin and he could feel Cloud's frantic pulse against his lips. He kissed the beating vein, sending a gasp through Cloud's throat, followed by a slightly louder moan this time.

"Z-Zack..." he said, his head lolling to the side in a dazed and drunken reaction, permitting a wider access to the flesh that Zack was so enamored with on his neck.

The SOLDIER ignored him, trailing kisses down to the crook of his neck where he nursed that area between his shoulder, enjoying the feeling of Cloud's body pressed against his face as he kissed him. Hands began to slide up the shirt they were resting beneath and Zack smiled slightly as Cloud bucked his waist up from the shock of the cold air around them mixing with the intruding body heat of the SOLDIER.

But the thoughts that Cloud had been trying to repress snapped through his brain as one of Zack's hands began to move downward towards the painful erection between his legs. "Zack..." he said again, this time his voice holding a pleading tone, but was soon quieted as Zack nipped at his neck with his teeth. The sharp feel of his bite was soon soothed with a lap of his warm tongue and Cloud arched beneath him, whimpering inaudibly.

A hand was trailed down his stomach and passed along one of his thighs tenderly.

An audible whimper now escaped Cloud's throat, a violent flash of memory scraping across his brain. His breathing quickened, his eyes clamped closed, his mind beginning to shut down. He panicked.

"D-don't...please..."

Zack lifted his head quickly, his eyes wide with sudden fear. "Oh shit." His hands quickly retracted from hovering above Cloud's arousal and replaced themselves against his now cold face.

"S-stop!" Cloud tossed his head to the side, breaking Zack's grip.

"Cloud!" Zack tried holding onto his face as he began to thrash beneath him. "Cloud, it's me!" he pleaded to the boy, who just flailed in sheer terror against his touch. "Cloud, please, it's just me!"

"N-no! Get the fuck off me!" His eyes were lost in a wave of horror.

"Hey!" Zack sat up as Cloud began to rise, his hands swinging out as if he were trying to fend off an attacker. He caught one of his hands in mid-swing and forced it down to his side. "It's me, Zack!"

Cloud sucked in a sharp gasp through his nose as he blinked. "Zack?" His face was littered with beads of sweat that clung to his skin, unmoving as if claiming his emotions for their own.

Zack was at a loss for words as he watched his friend glance around fearfully between them.

"I-I'm so sorry," Cloud finally said, as a memory of what had occurred between them not moments before came flooding back into his jumbled senses. He looked humiliated with himself.

"What did I tell you, Cloud?"

"What?" he replied breathlessly, through an attempt to still the trembling in his body and the heaving in his shoulders.

"You don't apologize to me, ever." He reached out to him, at this point not caring if he were to fight back in confusion, and pulled him against his chest.

Cloud fell into him, a sudden feeling of exhaustion washing over him. "I...didn't mean to ruin this..." he muttered, his voice muffled.

Zack shook his head mindlessly, a slight tremor to his voice. "No, it wasn't ruined, not at all." And he really meant those words. "I should have been more considerate." He meant those, too.

Cloud shook his head against his chest. "Maybe...we can try this again soon, Zack." He looked up at him with a slight tilt of his head as if he didn't want to lose contact with the SOLDIER's body. "I-if you want..."

"I think I want to." He let out a small laugh. "I really do. But only if you're comfortable, Cloud," he whispered down to him, brushing a hand across his cheekbone. "I won't hurt you like that again."

"No, you didn't hurt me, Zack." His face buried back into his chest again, his arms sliding around to Zack's sides in a tender embrace. "You could never hurt me."

"That's right. I won't," he reassured, pressing a small kiss down on top of his head once more, now content that Cloud was awake. His heart still slammed into his chest, however, this time around.

They fell silent against each other, with only the sound of Cloud readjusting his position in the SOLDIER's arms playing across them.

"I don't feel right, Zack," Cloud blurted out finally.

Zack couldn't help but smile at this; his mind trailed back to the night where he agreed with the boy about something when he wasn't even too sure what it was. "I don't either, but it feels good, Cloud. Doesn't it?"

After a moment, Cloud nodded slowly against him, and Zack could feel Cloud smile into his chest too.

They fell asleep like that together on the couch, in each other's arms throughout the night. When Zack woke in the morning, Cloud had already left.

Zack's uniform shirt was soaked with tears.


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...To be continued in Chapter Nine: Somewhere Like Here.